Big Brother Canada Episode 1 ranking

– Some of you have been asking if I would blog Big Brother Canada, so I am. Unless they all make that annoying tone when they say “oh my god” or their communal laugh.

“Most explosive season of Big Brother Canada ever! Big Brother has finally set foot in Canada!”

I could’ve sworn there was a Quebec version, but per usual, Quebec doesn’t count in the eyes of network executives.
Just the way it goes.

– But let’s take it from the top. Contestants were introduced in three groups of five. The game is on a shortened 70 day filming schedule, so I’m fully expecting someone to go home tonight. Silly rushed double eviction nights on the horizon?

– The first group of five is surprisingly the sanest.

Alec: As a fellow UBC student, I think he is the epitome of the d–chey UBC student. Literally. I was literally convinced he must have been from the Engineering faculty. For once, the Engineering faculty is literally off the hook. Literally. He comments on his Situation. Literally.

Peter: The guy who most likely stole my spot on the show. He is a YouTuber. Wait, you can make money off of there?! He hates people. Peter and I will get along just fine. I bet producers picked those glasses for him. In fact, I think Jaleel White sold his glasses to producers for Peter, Aneal, and Gary to wear.


Did I do that?

– Then it’s someone named Kat. Eh, what else am I going to go with? Anyways, she professes herself to be an athletic Asian-Canadian.

KAT: Just because I’m 5’3″ and Asian doesn’t mean I can’t (insert an activity we’re all supposed to amazed that she can do but all she is really doing is putting down her own stereotype. The only thing she or Albertans could say that would genuinely surprise us is if she said “doesn’t mean I can’t drive”.

But seriously, saying “just because I’m ____ doesn’t mean I can’t ____” card is getting old in 2013. I thought Jamie Dugan put it to rest in Survivor: China.

jaime dugan

Just because I look like Jessica Simpson doesn’t mean the opposing tribe can humiliate me.

P.S. She hates princesses with breasts. Which brings us to. . .

– Danielle talks about how she is an aspiring actress. The ‘aspiring’ part is easy to believe because she puts on her own make-up. No longer a girl, not yet a diva. I should note she is the second player in a row to make a comment about breasts. She tries to boost her street cred by talking about a time where some guy said she didn’t look good, and she proceeded to regulate.

danielle finger

The least intimidating bird I have ever seen.

Aneal: The other guy with funky glasses. He is obsessed with BB, we are told. Is that the editor’s way of ensuring the audience is okay with this guy being cast? Uh, okay. No need to be defensive. This guy does look like he is capable of winning, though. There are few ways for me to make fun of Aneal, sadly.

– After the first group tries to do their best Mike Boogie “Daddy’s home!” impression, they claim the most comfortable beds. Lucky bunch. The second group is a little less sane.

– Next is Suzette. The only contestant heavier than Danielle. She claims to be a Mama Bear of three kids. Works in East Vancouver as a radio host and does a bunch of charity work that will make us all weep. A reference to her being Aboriginal is thrown in. I suppose it is topical in Canadian news. Next week I have to perform The Accidental and Unnatural Women in my fourth year class (based on an incident in East Vancouver where stupid police work leads to the murders of several Aboriginal women in East Vancouver. . .a bit of a heavy subject for a blog, I know), so this is ridiculously relevant. And yes, much like Danielle, Tom, and Kay, Suzette wishes to note her curves.

I think Wynona from TAR 22 beats both of them for most out of shape competitive reality TV contestant in 2013. The Biggest Loser doesn’t count because that show is terrible.

– Talla laughs at her own jokes. Ugh. I have a feeling she is going to be annoying quickly. She chose to wear the tallest heels in the world to lead to the slowest entrance into the house. And the heels are blue. Trying too hard?

– Now we’re introduced to Andrew and Jillian. The two least likable people ever.

ANDREW: I’m divorced. And I’m divorced. It’s tough being divorced. I will be down for any type of relationship. If I was a 2006 relationship status, I would be ‘whatever I can get’. My identical twin is married with kids and I’m jealous. I broke the engagement. I like to think of myself as Hugh Grant, and am looking for my Sandra Bullock.

Note: He resembles nothing of Hugh Grant.

andrew grant

Do you sense the Hugh Grant-like charming aroma? Neither do I.


JILLIAN: I am a substitute teacher.

I would’ve left out the ‘substitute’ part.

JILLIAN: People say I look like Sandra Bullock. I really want a relationship. I’m down.

Note: She does not resemble Sandra Bullock in the slightest.

sherri caramoan



Truth be told, I think Andrew and Jillian are either going to be really close or really hate each other. I think production went too far to force this pair. In fact, I think there might be a X-factor twist where these two know each other. Their initial interaction in the house was too awkward for strangers. They kept trying to state their relationship status too many times.

– Then AJ. He reminds me of somebody from your high school basketball team who ended up in business because they like the women, the caviar, and the fancy cars as they’re pimpin all over the world. It’s only right that he shares his experiences with y’all because he’s been places you’ve never imagined. He’s going to start at home and walk right up to her like “hey girl how ya doin you’re the girl that I’m really pursuin so if I could get to know ya could ya jot down my number and I’ll give you mine in exchange”

Er, hold that thought. He lives with his parents. BALLIN’!

– The third group, the least sanest of them all.

TOM: What am I looking for in the BB house. . .titties.

You should’ve been watching the feeds for BB Brazil, Tom. Just hope Suzette and Danielle don’t lose weight or they are going to sag REALLY fast. Thank goodness Tom is direct, but he seems so socially withdrawn that I am fully expecting him to be 2nd out. I doubt he will raise any attention in the first round because of his quiet nature.

I expect a Mike from BB8 edit, to be honest.

– Then Gary. Or Gary Extraordinary. Or Gary Diddy Dirty Money! He has a lot of nicknames! Gary considers himself closer to the homosexual end of the heterosexual-homosexual continuum! Producers must have told him to bring his own glitter to toss up in the air when the host announces his name! Thank goodness the host didn’t call out Jake the Snake Roberts’ name for Big Brother! I can’t tell if the flamboyancy is an act for attention or not! Maybe too much diva-ness because he proceeds to hate a guy for living in a Toronto suburb that ISN’T TORONTO!!! By the way, I don’t think Gary will succeed in converting anyone to homosexuality after they spend ten weeks with him!

gary glitter 2

Did he take a page out of Brian & Greg Smith’s wardrobe but winterfied it?

brian greg botswana

Gary’s summer wear.

gary glitter

Gary has more glitter than a mediocre Mariah Carey film.

– Emmett has a gay brother. This is repeated twice more which is summed up with “watch for the gay one”. Why am I watching this when I am six weeks away from earning my degree? His family has lived in Nova Scotia since John Smith started dating Pochahantos. Suzette’s great-grandparents and Emmett’s great-grandparents may not get along too well, according to my university classes. Sure enough we see a bunch of rural countryside in Emmett’s audition as if you couldn’t get the idea.

By the way, did you notice Emmett’s tattoos that are limited to precisely the left side of his body? It’s like there is an invisible ink barrier engrained into his body.

– There’s Topaz. Her first name is something bland and unoriginal like Emerald, so she decided to go with something funky like Topaz. Don’t challenge her on it because she cleans teeth for a living, and as we know, only sadistic people can work in the dental industry.

– Lastly, there’s Liza. One of the worst tans I have seen. I would be worried about catching a disease from that glow. Of course, she packs bronzing material and baby wipes. And bikinis upon bikinis. We see bikinis being packed by every female contestant. I won’t ask what the baby wipes are for. Regardless, she may prove to be the most annoying one in the house.

– So everyone has a bed. They laugh in the most annoying tone, they say “oh my god” in the most annoying tone. This happens on the first day because everyone is mentally aware to keep their personalities in check. It’s all about relationship building. Wait until they get worn out in five or six days. Just because they are mother Canuckers doesn’t mean they will be polite forever.

– What is the first thing Gary says to Danielle? He pulls a Kathy Sleckman and immediately comments on her chest. In addition, he pokes her in the chest right away. If Tom, Emmett, Aneal, AJ, Peter, or Andrew did that, they would be punched out like Little Mac.

– Gary makes Peter a drink. So that’s how he intends to convert the other males in the house. Gary loves it and wonders what the secret ingredient is. I bet it’s homoeroticism.

– There is a phone booth in the house. Whoever answers it will be given a secret task. If they complete it, they are rewarded. If they fail, they are punished. It’s a mix of the dumb Pandora’s Box and the even dumber America’s Player twists from Big Brother. Whatever you do, don’t let Colin Farrell answer that phone. I hear his secret task will be a bit tough.

colin farrell

If ratings go down, I really hope they don’t bring in Kiefer to be a producer from the adjacent building.

– So the phone rings. It’s the banker offering a deal from Deal or No Deal. Actually, it’s a guy who sounds like he could be Kiefer from Phone Booth. Suzette answers the phone first. She is HoH. She must go to the diary room without telling anyone. Wow. What a mission. Is there a way to fail it unless you blurt it out right away? What happens if she does? She complies because she is told her family has been kidnapped. What a rough first day.

– Suzette/Mama Bear has the worst puh-puh-poker face I have seen after receiving the phone call. Unusually quiet and fidgety? Oh my goodness. Remember to not leave you with secret alliance information. You’re gonna crack Mama Bear.

– Stop talking Suzette. Your uptalk is a bit excessive. Uptalk? Yeah, I’ve been taking Linguistics classes lately. Everyone is being too fake for my tastes. Just short of being as fake as Liz’s tan.

– Host tells everyone to go into the living room. Get your feet off the couch when running into the living room! We have to return them to the Brick by the end of the hour!

– Everyone cheers for Suzette’s HoH reveal. Gary has his mouth open about two seconds more than necessary as he is shocked by the news. This is the lamest first HoH competition ever. Answering a phone. What’s next? First one to wash a dish is crowned the second week’s HoH?

– Host prompts Suzette for an impromptu nomination. Off of virtually no information at all, and in too far of an upbeat mood during the ceremony, Suzette nominates Emmitt and Tom. They happened to be the two sitting furthest to the left. Leftist bias in the media once again.

TOM: It’s stupid for her to go after the two most dominant guys in the house.

How in the world do you know you’re dominant? This is still night one. How do you know you’re dominant? Who handles the cheap liquor the best? Who slammed their bags on the bed they claimed the hardest?

– I’m fully expecting the first person to answer the next phone call will win POV. I really wish the next phone call is a telemarketer. That will show them. “Tell me, are you satisfied with your Big Brother experience. . .”

– The POV format is a blatant rip-off from the US version. Probably for the best. They might have had to phone a friend to figure out who to pick if the producers had to choose on their own. I personally prefer the BB3 and BB4 format, but I understand why it is “more exciting” game-wise to use the format of the past nine years. Peter is drawn by Suzette, Tom draws Aneal, and Emmett draws Mr. Extraordinary.

– They are all dressed up like the baby humans from the anime Welcome to the NHK. Yeah, I know I am reaching a bit with that reference. Gary does several cartwheels as expected. Their mission is to pop balloons that are hanging. Some will have pieces in them, some will not.

GARY: Pop it!

Yes, Gary. Pop it! Bop it! I love 90s commercials. Peter enjoys popping balloons by thrusting. Aneal does a sexually suggestive way to pop it. He has zero interest in winning. Tom goes all out with his thrusting. Liza marks him as Final Two. I personally think it is a lazy technique. Emmett is popping like a normal person. I’m pretty sure they touched the balloons with their hands, but production is happy as long as everyone is popping balloons suggestively.

My theory that the Canadian BB will be more sexualized is holding up thus far.

– Did you know Lowe’s built the BB Canada house? Well they did. So buy their s—. That’s what BB is saying, anyway.

– Suspense keeps up. Everyone wants to win. Somehow Tom wins POV. He is granted the power to remove himself from the block. I admit this host has much more personality than Julie Chenbot. Thank god. Maybe her announcements and script will vary from time to time.

– Emmett feels sick. He should’ve watched for that straight woman. Emmett bashes one balloon away with his hands in a dramatic slow-motion shot.

– Tom keeps talking about how the males need to stick together because the physical players will be targeted. My word. It’s only day one. You’re basing this off of a lone nomination by someone who has proven to be incapable of winning Big Brother. Feeling threatened by Suzette is a big joke. If anything, just focus on eliminating Suzette.

– Dan Gheesling is making a guest appearance. Winner and runner-up. How is he the best of all-time? Wasn’t he silly enough to lose in a Final Two? If you lose in a Final Two, it proves you are truly a player who didn’t deserve to win. Dan could have held the ‘best ever’ reputation if he stuck with being a one-time player with a 7-0 jury victory under his belt.

P.S. I wish Will Mega would’ve made a guest appearance. Yeah. Big Brother 2000. What up!

P.P.S. The following words were used as synonyms for breasts: Breasts, boobies! (yes, the exclamation mark is intentional thanks to Gary), those, curves, cleavage, girls, and titties.

Confessional Count

None yet. I debated about doing a confessional count. Maybe I’ll rewatch the episode online and do a full count as I always do with TUF and TAR.

What am I Going to Rank?

I don’t know. There’s only been one of everything so far. So the only thing I could do is maybe say who I don’t think will win: Tom, Gary, Andrew, Jill, Suzette, and Alec. I really want to put Liza on this list too.

P.P.P.S. In American reality TV, it is very rare for them to cast somebody who is First Nations. Canada has manged to pick somebody in one of its fifteen opening slots. I am going to be very curious in the coming weeks how much they integrate that into Suzette’s edit on TV. Will it even be acknowledged? Will it be shoved down our throats? Positive edit? Negative edit? So much is at stake with the representation of a minority group who receives very little airtime on TV.

Confessional Count (confessionals in the diary rooms that are the only ones that count)

ANDREW (comfortable to discuss Ladywood in front of other females):

PETER (what is with the inverse of the Nigerian flag in his home? Hates Suzette): 3

KAT (how many baseball caps will she wear backwards?):

ANEAL (loves Gary): 5

ALEC (attracted to Topaz/showmance #1): 2

EMMETT (blocked his settlement of a house because of the Aboriginal community): 6

GARY (hates Aneal): 1

SUZETTE (missed her calling of being a receptionist): 6

TOM (likes titties. . .and Danielle. Well, her titties anyway): 8

LIZA (frequently mistaken for an Oompa Loompa): 2

KAT (already matching Hope’s confessional count from Survivor: Caramoan): 1

Competition wins

HOH: Suzette


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