TUF 10 Episodes 1 to 3 ranking

*Please note my TAR blogs are ten times better and with screen caps compared to these crappy TUF blogs.

This season has been promoted as sixteen fighters who consist of Kimbo Slice, unnamed football players. . .and those other guys who we won’t bother showing unless they make it to the end.

THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER 10

– We are shown clips of Lesnar, Kongo, Dos Santos, Gonzaga, Couture, more Lesnar, Crocop, and even more Lesnar.

– Dana White appears, as he likes to do in every season premiere. “In UFC history, our heavyweight division has never been more exciting than it is now.”

Easy to believe considering the bar has been low. It was only years earlier that Tim Bowser Sylvia and Andrei Arlovski had a stranglehold on the division. Justin Eilers was given a freakin’ title shot.

– We see four football players. Three fierce UFC vets. Last champ of the IFL, and the biggest name in street fighting (and sadly MMA).

– We are shown a Rampage highlight reel. The Slam Specialist. An extraordinary list of victories and a championship under his belt. Rrrrandleman goes down.

– On the other hand, there is the only TUF Heavyweight champion to date and has only one loss–Rashad Evans.

Both held the Light Heavyweight championship belt, but neither could keep it long as Rampage defended it only once and Rashad never.

– Dana claims both are in line for a title shot against Machida, and both desperately want to re-gain the belt. Unless you get offered millions of dollars for an action flick role.

– A highlight of Rashad and Rampage touching faces as they utter pointless insults carries on for a few seconds. Both have put off a title shot just so they can settle the score. This is The Ultimate Fighter.

– The training center. Rashad and Rampage are sitting on a bench beside the door. Rashad claims Rampage will be too slow in the ring. Rampage says Rashad has proven he couldn’t take on Machida. Rampage has yet to face Machida. Rashad points to it as his lone career loss. A bunch of heavyweight giants enter one-b-one as they walk in on the argument. Rampage and Rashad stop the argument to hug them and shake their hands.

– I should point out they are HUGE.

– The first confessional comes from Roy Nelson. He claims to be one of few MMA professionals on this show. Considering he is an IFL Champion, he has no business being stuck with a bunch of TUF amateurs. It would be like sticking a PRIDE champion onto TUF right away. Consider the competition to be slanted.

– Second confessional is from Wes Shivers. He is a former pro NFLer. He brags about already living a dream and finds it an honour to be on the show. Marcus Jones goes inside the octagon and tells us that we have no right to judge whether or not NFLers should be in MMA.

Hey, nobody is arguing about Bob Sapp. I think the stigma is gone, Mr. Jones.

– Rashad says Machida hit like pillows until the knockout. Rampage claims the Sugar Man was a fish out of water. Rashad asks Rampage how many times he has been knocked out or quit. Rampage claims he was knocked out once. Arguing ensues.

– Dana White enters and immediately tells Rashad and Rampage to avoid fighting for five minutes. He emphasizes it is only five minutes. Dana projects a long season ahead.

– Dana rounds up the usual gym lineup. He does it to emphasize the star power that is about to enter the room.

DANA: You may have noticed there are fifteen of you. Not sixteen. We’ve got one more coming. I know for a fact this next guy is coming is a fighter. Question is if he’s a Mixed Martial Artist. Talk more s— about this guy than anybody ever, and coming from me that’s saying a lot. Let’s bring him in.

RAMPAGE: Who is it? Tank Abbott?

I wish.

– Everyone breaks into laughter at the thought of Tank Abbott.

– Sure enough it’s Kimbo. Let the ratings rush in. Rampage chuckles and Dana invites Kimbo to join the line-up. Kimbo is wearing a shirt with his own name on it.

Oddly enough, Kimbo beat Tank Abbott in EliteXC prior to joining TUF 10. I love coincidences.

– Dana summarizes that Kimbo got famous off of street fights on YouTube, and admits he talked a bunch of s— about him in interviews for years. Rampage wants him.

BRENDAN: F— that guy.
???: YESSSSS.
????: F— him.
????: YESSSSSS.
BRENDAN: F— that guy.
???: YESSSSS.

That guy is one creep mothaf—a.

BRENDAN (the 3rd NFL player): Kimbo walked in with a bounty on his head.

I doubt that bounty would be too high in the octagon. I think Seth Petruzelli from TUF 2 already claimed the reward for that.

ROY: I thought I was the big announcement, but apparently I wasn’t.

You would’ve been if anyone cared to watch IFL.

– Kimbo knows he has been proven on the street, and now it’s time to prove himself in the ultimate proving ground–the octagon.

– Dana introduces the two coaches who he wants to be respected. He tells them they will train with Rampage and Rashad for the day before heading to the house. Rampage announces he wants to pick Kimbo. Rashad is happy to give away that pick. Rampage offers to shake Rashad’s hands. It is the loosest handshake I have seen.

– Rampage approaches Kimbo and tells him he doesn’t have to train multiple times.

NOTE: Notice anything different? That’s right. For the first time since TUF 6, there isn’t elimination fights for the first two episodes. These are the sixteen guys who will stick with us no matter what.

Why did they do this?

I’ll provide you a two word answer for this: Kimbo Slice.

Losing Kimbo in the elimination match would have crippled ratings. By disabling the elimination match round for the rights to enter the House, production ensures that Kimbo will be on TV for all twelve episodes.

– Rampage thinks Kimbo could smash people. Rashad knows there are other fighters more well-rounded than Kimbo.

– Rampage tells an assistant coach that he wants to win this season after losing TUF 7 to Forrest Griffin. I should note his team barely lost to Forrest’s in TUF 7.

– Fighter evaluations. Rashad introduces us to his assistant coaches. Greg Jackson. Holy crap. Rashad’s team is going to win. They will pick mentally strong players who can follow direction well. Rashad personally knows James McSweeny and Brendan Schaub because he has trained with them. Quick two picks.

– Abe Wagner speaks. His job is listed as “Director of Finance & Operations”. What the heck is he doing on this show?!

– Mitrione finds this exponentially (or as he says, “expodentially”) tougher than NFL training sessions. That’s bad press for NFL.

– Rampage tells his assistant coach Tiki Ghosen that he can’t wait to see them kick. Tiki Ghosen vs. Greg Jackson? 99 times out of 100 I’d pick Jackson as my coach.

– Rampage’s evaluation was to see the guys beat each other up. He checks out Roy Nelson’s belly and how tremendously fat he is. Rampage announces that one of the fighters has titties. He raises his eyebrows and wants him to do a chest dance with em. Rampage permanently calls him Titties. His real name turns out to be Darrill Schoonover. But he may as well be called Titties from this point forward.

– Rampage introduces himself to Marcus Jones and compares his hand to Marcus’. He is amazed by the size of Marcus’ hand. Marcus comments on the lack of rest.

– It’s time for Kimbo to spar. We see his gold teeth. Rampage is impressed by Kimbo’s perseverance. His wrestling was sub-par as expected, but his takedown defense was great.

– Rampage wants to pick Rashad’s guy, McSweeny. Tom Blackledge is Rampage’s assistant coach. We hear only one inaudible word from him.

– Everyone is lined up. Dane introduces the coin toss. It’s mixed up again this year. Whichever coach wins the coin toss can have the first fighter or choose the first TWO fights. You must win BOTH fights to retain control. That simple.

– Rashad wins the coin toss. He wants the first fighter. James McSweeny is on the team.

RAMPAGE: Our first pick is going to be Ti–
(DARRILL smiles.)
RAMPAGE: Kimbo Slice!
RASHAD: Brendan Schaub.
RAMPAGE: Abe.
RASHAD: Jesse.
RAMPAGE: Damiko. Rashad’s older brother.
(Looks nothing like Rashad.)
RASHAD: John.
RAMPAGE: Wes Sims.

WHAT?! Wes Sims is in this cast? That guy has fallen off the MMA map in the past few years. This isn’t 2003 anymore. He is going to be out very quickly. This is more of a cameo if anything.

WES SIMS: It’s about time Rampage Jackson!
RAMPAGE: It was my assistant coaches!
WES: I’d put this whole team on black!
RAMPAGE: We’re gonna do it, baby.
WES: I didn’t notice these guys. They didn’t pick me up there in the front by Kimbo.
RAMPAGE: C’mon up by Kimbo.
WES: No offense, no offense.

WES SIMS: For those of you who don’t know Wes Sims, I was the only guy to defeat Frank Mir on two separate occasions.

If UFC fought under PRIDE rules, yes.

WES SIMS: And one more thing, Wes Sims will never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

That’s true. Wait, did I defeat logic?

RASHAD: We’ll take Roy.
RAMPAGE: Scott Junk.
RASHAD: Schoon.
RAMPAGE: Wes Shivers.
RASHAD: Matt.
RAMPAGE: Big Marcus Jones. We need some big a– gloves to fit him.
RASHAD: Mike.
RAMPAGE: I guess I will choose the cameraman.
ZACK: F— you.
RAMPAGE: C’mon over baby.
ZACK: I felt like an attorney. The only thing to make it more awkward is if my pants fell down.

– Teams are picked. Rampage thinks his are better because they are bigger. Rashad assumes nobody on his team can lose to anyone on Rampage’s team.

– House time. Kimbo assumes the target is on his back. Everyone else talks about eliminating Kimbo. One of them wants the 21 year old to take out Kimbo.

– Rashad enters the gym alone. He glances at his face on the poster. There’s a smile. He reflects on going from TUF champion to coach. Much like Forrest Griffin and Matt Serra. All have incidentally gone on to be UFC champions.

– Jon Madsen wants to fight ASAP. Mitrione wants to fight Marcus Jones because Marcus’ enormous head will be a perfect target.

– Rampage enters the gym to kick out Rashad. New training session begins. We see them crawl, jump, and roll in a test of cardio. Marcus Jones is drained and expected to vomit on the mat. He is pouring a ridiculous amount of sweat. Much like Bobby Southworth in a sauna.

– Fight Announcement.

RAMPAGE: We choose–what’s your name?
JON MADSEN: Jon Madsen.
RAMPAGE: It’s not you. Oh wait, it is you! We want you. Your opponent is Big Abe.

– Rashad laughs. He loves his #1 wrestler being pitted against Abe who does not have a ground game. Abe understands that Rampage knew he wanted to fight. Uh, okay. Jon thinks strength, quickness, and agility is more important in size. Of course this is coming from the smallest guy.

– Jon brags that he worked with Robbie Lawler and Matt Hughes. Not too shabby. Jon wants to use knockout power on top of his excellent wrestling skills. Trevor Wittman is one of Rashad’s assistant coaches.

– Rampage training session. We see Rampage punching Abe’s belly. Marcus Jones is demonstrating graceful somersaults. Rampage acknowledges Abe’s jiu jitsu is good, but his wrestling not so much. Abe reminds us that he is director of finance at a company. Rampage quizzes him what 11*2 is.

– Abe knows Jon’s stand-up isn’t too spectacular, so the strategy is to keep it standing. Rampage demonstrates how he’ll be partying at the club. He’ll even imitate Rashad being knocked out by Machida.

– Fight Day. Jon wears mean sunglasses. Now he’s being taped up. Abe talks about how he is doing MMA because he wants to do it rather than needs to. We see him spit blood into a bucket.

– Abe walks into the octagon. This is moving fast. Then Jon. Then shots of Lariani’s curves. Jon refuses to touch gloves. Jon by decision?

RAMPAGE: Don’t care if you touch gloves with him. Only care if you touch your hands with his face.

ABE WAGNER
29
6’4″
77″
6-1
OMAHA, NEBRASKA

JON MADSEN
29
6’0″
72″
1-0
GRANITE CITY, ILLINOIS

– Dana introduces the preliminary fight. Two 5-minute rounds, per usual. Mazzagatti is our referee.

– They touch gloves after all. Jon shoots and gets the takedown easily. He punches from up top. Half control. Abe tries to stand up but Jon stand over him and strikes. Then he enters his guard. Abe holds Jon’s head.

– Minute passes. Jon rarely strikes. Position has not changed. The shouting is the most exciting part of this fight. C’mon guys. Don’t give the ground game a bad name. Jon fires a couple strikes. Abe’s nose is bleeding. Shouldn’t Abe be able to submit from the bottom?

– Jon starts throwing elbows. Abe is bleeding from the face. A couple more punches by Jon. Abe has the right side of his face painted red. Jon shoots for the ribs. Rampage encourages Abe to do something. No freakin kiddin’. There is a POOL of blood against the cage. Two pools. Abe is bleeding profusely. It’s all over his right biceps. One of the worst pools of blood I have seen. I am surprised Mazzagatti has not called a doctor over. End of round one. 10-8. Some of Rashad’s players assume the fight will come to an end.

– Stitch does his job. Dana comments saying it is the bloodiest fight on TUF he has seen. By one fighter, I would agree. But in a fight by both fighters combined? I don’t know.

– Abe offers to touch gloves at the start of round two. Jon shoots under the glove and takes Abe down easily. Rampage yells at him for offering to touch gloves. I must say it is a dirty move. Jon works elbows. More blood. Mazzagatti stands them up. Jon takes Abe down against the cage. Half guard. Working a couple more elbows. The Couture method. Abe has no idea how to cover up. Mazzagatti calls for action. Rampage calls for Abe to do something.

– Jon stands over Abe and reigns down some strikes. Mazzagatti warns Abe about touching the cage. It doesn’t matter because Abe doesn’t know how to defend other than maintaining guard. Mazzagatti stands them up again.

– Abe tries to throw two punches but Jon ducks and takes him down a third time. Rampage yells that Jon is doing the same thing over and over. Rampage repeats for Abe to get up. Half guard. Neither fighter is doing anything. Frozen. Abe is out of breath.

– 90 seconds remain. Jon works in more strikes. Has Abe done ANY damage? I don’t think Abe has thrown a punch from the bottom or attempted a submission. Jon consistently punches. Mazzagatti stands them up for a third time. Twenty seconds left. Jon takes down Abe after Abe throw a slow knee while his hands are up.

RAMPAGE: HE’S DOING THE SAME THING! F—!

Both Jon and Abe are, yes. Jon is a wrestler while Abe keeps his hands up. Worst strategy against a wrestler ever.

– Round two ends. Rampage retreats to locker room. Rashad praises Jon. Nobody on the planet can praise Abe’s performance. 20-16? Yep, two judges scored it 20-17 while the other counted it as 20-16. Abe did NOTHING. The worst performance I have seen in TUF.

– Rampage tells his guys to never touch gloves. Abe attributes his lack of performance to being controlled by a wrestler. I guess keeping your body low was never in the playbook to counter a wrestler. We see him being injected with a needle. We can see the bone in his forehead! Yet Abe thinks he could replace an injured fighter. I doubt it.

Next time on TUF: With Kimbo in the crosshairs, Rampage scrambles to get the former street fighter ready. While Team Rashad dishes out an attitude adjustment to Big Country. Rampage reveals his second match-up, and has another heated run in with Rashad.

Confessionals

RAMPAGE TEAM

ABE WAGNER 8
DEMICO 0
KIMBO SLICE 3
MARCUS JONES 2
SCOTT 0
WES SHIVERS 1
WES SIMS 1
ZACK JENSEN 1

RASHAD TEAM

BRENDAN SCHAUB 1
DARRILL SCHOONOVER 1
JAMES 0
JON MADSEN 8
JUSTIN 0
MATT MITRIONE 2
MICHAEL 0
ROY NELSON 3

Rank the Fights

1) Abe Wagner vs. Jon Madsen (It will be a shame if this isn’t the worst fight of the season. A cut so deep that we saw the bone in Abe’s forehead, though. I can’t recall seeing a fight with three stand-ups in one round.)

EPISODE TWO

– Previously on TUF: Fifteen heavyweights descended upon the UFC Training Centre before Dana shocked everyone with a surprise introduction. Team Rashad won the coin toss and made the first team pick. Rampage picks the first two match-ups. In the first preliminary match-up, Jon Madsen turned Abe Wagner’s face into a bloody mess earning the victory by unanimous decision earning Team Rashad its first win.

Next, Team Rampage tries to even the score. Who will move one step closer to becoming The Ultimate Fighter?

– Intro time. They like to showcase Abe’s bloody face.

– Crosses on the road. The scorching heat of Vegas. Kimbo is hanging out alone on a couch. He knows he is here to fight and prove himself. Roy Nelson is in the kitchen (Does Roy Nelson ever leave a kitchen?) and looks forward to beating up Kimbo.

– Rampage training session. Kimbo likes Rampage taking the time to train with him. Rampage sees himself in Kimbo, but with actual abilities. We see Kimbo sprawling and practicing his striking. Kimbo loves to learn. Awe. Rampage knows Team Rashad will want to put up a wrestler or jiu jitsu specialist against Kimbo. We see Kimbo sprawling some more. Rampage believes Kimbo is a fast learner.

– Team Rashad training session. Rashad is on the high of winning the first fight. He thinks he picked the mentally strongest players.

– Meeting time. Rashad wants everyone to take a knee. Roy refuses to do anything with his knees. Rashad thinks he is just joking around and refuses to listen. Rashad finds him hard to coach. He understands that Roy is the same age as him, but isn’t being respectful. They have a meeting in the locker room. The assistant coach thinks it is disruptive, and Rashad is pissed that Roy has a rebuttal to everything. The assistant coach references Roy’s eighteen fights and brings up that Roy was knocked out by Arlovski. Roy just answers ‘okay’ to everything. Roy probably wishes he was back in the kitchen.

– Fight Announcement. Rampage asks Roy’s name.

RAMPAGE: He looks smaller in the pictures.
ROY: So do you, cool.

Wow. Roy is going all diva in this episode. I’m not sure how I feel about this. There is sweet music playing.

RAMPAGE: Second fight is James Mcsquingle?
JAMES: McSweeny.
RAMPAGE: Versus big man over here. Wes Shivers.

– Rashad thinks Rampage using his #1 pick to fight Shivers is a personal attack. Uh, okay.

– McSweeney says he is from England. This is the first time we have seen him all season. McSweeney claims to have a wonderful upbringing despite what the tattoos indicate. McSweeney prepares to fight a guy who is 6’10”. He finds him bulky and easy to read. I wish there were subtitles for him.

– The assistant coach asks everyone to think about how losing would feel as they sit in a circle. Rampage comes in to break up the meeting because it is time for training. He is upset and wants to use a ghetto blaster. Rashad doesn’t think five minutes overtime a big deal.

– Rashad and Rampage have another showdown. Rampage jokes around that they all need to get out. He doesn’t want Rashad to take up his time anymore. Rashad can’t come up with a decent rebuttal. He claims to fake smile when joking around with Rampage.

– Rampage training session. Shivers was drafted by the Tennessee Titans. He tore his shoulder in his first year of college. Shivers attributes his ability to be in MMA to God. He intends to weigh 270 pounds when he enters the octagon. Somebody is looking to beat Brad Imes’ TUF record. We see Shivers spar. Rampage gives a pep talk to believe in himself. We see Shivers practice some more. He feels great to fight Rashad’s #1 pick.

– Rashad training session. Rashad thinks the team chemistry is going well. We see them train. Van Arsdale is Rashad’s assistant coach!  Van Arsdale thinks Roy is a self-made fighter, but believes Roy is slowly coming around to understand the value of their coaching. Rashad tells everyone to put their arms up, and talks about TUF being the toughest road.

– Marcus and Demico have a conversation in the living room. Marcus doesn’t think that McSweeney’s kickboxing will be able to hold off Wes’ striking power and walking around 285. Demico projects a second round stoppage from ground and pound.

– Fight Day. Shivers is praying. We see both guys in their respective locker rooms.

WES SHIVERS
32
6’7″
81.5″
2-0
BILOXI, MASSACHUSSETS

JAMES MCSWEENEY
28
6’4″
75″
3-3
LONDON, UK

– Dana finally speaks. He introduces the second preliminary fight. He must have been out of town this episode.

– Mazzagatti is our referee. They circle. James fires a leg kick. More circling. James fires another leg kick. Wes clinches James against the fence. Wes trips James onto the ground. Half mount. Wes holds down a wrist. James has his feet on the fence. Wes has bent a wrist really far back. James escapes and they are back on their feet. James fires a leg kick. Both retreat to the centre and are exhausted. James nearly lands a headkick. Both fire same-time kicks. Wes kicks James in the crotch. Rampage tells Wes to breathe. James is ready to resume the fight.

– Wes misses several punches. James lands a jumping kick. Wes clinches James’ back but James escapes. More kicks from James. They circle each other. James misses a punch. James lands a jab. James nails a couple more leg kicks. Someone channels Koscheck and yells that Wes is tired. Wes misses a combination and leans against the cage to breathe. Wes’ cardio is terrible.

– Wes misses a couple jabs. James misses one too. Neither fighter is impressive. James lands a leg kick. And another. Now a jumping body kick. Then a leg kick. Wes connects with a jab. End of round one.

– Rampage tells Wes to check the kicks. Rashad tells James to continue working the jab.

– James lands a jab and a kick. Circles. Wes misses a wild combination. James kicks Wes in the butt. James lands another wicked combination. Wes is stumbling. Wes catches a leg and tosses James to the ground. Wes rests on top of James. It’s half mount. James has a foot against the fence. Wes moves into full mount! He finally starts striking. James gives his back. Wes has an arm around James’ throat. Despite being 285 pounds, Wes is unable to control James. Wes’ arms are at his hips when they get back on their feet after James reversed the position for a second. James connects with a big shot. Wes lands a wicked kick before leaning against the fence. James has his arms on his waist too. Both are dancing around. Wes is gasping for air. There is nothing in Wes’ punches. James lands a leg kick. Wes connects with a jab. James lands a leg kick. After doing nothing for several seconds, Wes takes James to the ground. James has an arm around Wes’ throat from the guard. Wes lifts his head up to escape the guillotine. End of round two.

– Wes sits at the centre of the octagon. James gets to his corner. After several seconds, Wes makes it to his corner. Everyone assumes there will be a third round. But there is a decision much to Mazzagatti’s dismay.

– Rashad and Rampage recap the fight. McSweeney wins by majority decision (20-18, 20-18, and 19-19). Rashad likes that he was able to shut up Rampage by having his two ideal match-ups be picked for him.

– McSweeney sits in the locker room being fanned by a towel. Wes tips his hat off to James’ victory. Rampage knows they are in a terrible situation as they are 0-2 after picking their own match-ups as well as giving control to Rashad.

– Fight Announcement Time. Rashad is picking Roy Nelson to fight. . .

RASHAD: The big black buck with the greasy beard–Kimbo Slice.

If I said that, I think Kimbo would beat me up within seconds.

– Dana knows Roy Nelson’s well-rounded skills will match up well against Kimbo’s explosiveness.

Next Time On TUF: Moment of truth for Kimbo Slice as he prepares to fight grizzled veteran Roy Big Country Nelson. The smack talking continues but James McSweeney backs up Rashad. Then get ready for the biggest fight in the history of The Ultimate Fighter (really?). Will former IFL Champion Roy Nelson use his size to flatten Kimbo? Or will Slice prove once and for all that he is more than a backyard brawler. Who will move one step closer to becoming The Ultimate Fighter?

RAMPAGE TEAM

ABE WAGNER 0x
DEMICO ROGERS 1
KIMBO SLICE 4
MARCUS JONES 1
SCOTT 0
WES SHIVERS 6
WES SIMS 0
ZAK JENSEN 0

RASHAD TEAM

BRENDAN SCHAUB 0
DARRILL SCHOONOVER 0
JAMES MCSWEENEY 5
JON MADSEN 0
JUSTIN 0
MATT MITRIONE 0
MICHAEL 0
ROY NELSON 2

Despite a cast that normally has twice as many people in the first two episodes, we still have three people who have not been mentioned. At all. Their last name hasn’t been displayed or said aloud. Their fortunes don’t appear to be changing anytime soon when Roy Nelson and Kimbo Slice, two guys who have already hogged the airtime in the opening two episodes, are fighting in the third episode and will no doubt sideline everyone else.

Rank the Fights

1) Wes Shivers vs. James McSweeney (It was a very average affair.)

2) Abe Wagner vs. Jon Madsen (It will be a shame if this isn’t the worst fight of the season. A cut so deep that we saw the bone in Abe’s forehead, though. I can’t recall seeing a fight with three stand-ups in one round.)

Episode Three

Team Rampage suffered a second loss at the hands of Rashad’s training partner, James McSweeney. Then in his first match-up, Rashad wasted no time going after Rampage’s high profile protege. Will IFL champion overcome the street fighting legend? Or will Kimbo show up to do what he does best? This is the fight you CANNOT miss. Who will be the Ultimate Fighter?

– Intro time. Sweat dripping from a man’s pecs is the first thing we see? Hot. Who the heck are Scott, Justin, and Michael? The heavyweight division is thin personality wise too, according to the editing. Whoa. That’s a lot of shadow boxing at the end of the intro.

– Sun slowly rises. Kimbo has a talk about his relationship with God. He says being a kind and gentle soul would be an oxymoron. Kimbo said he’d lose himself if he shaved off the beard. Well, how else would anybody recognize him on the streets? Kimbo cannot figure out who the enemy is.

KIMBO: Who is the enemy? Who is the enemy? It’s the inner me. *gestures to himself The inner me.

Oh no. He found a way to rephrase the cliche of “I am my own worst enemy.” Or is it “I am my own worst inner me?”

If the enemy is the inner me, I’ll be quiry in Albuquerque. Dang you Springfield Isotopes!

– We see Kimbo jogging. Everyone is at a kitchen table discussing how this would be a main event on a PPV. Fast forward to 2013 and we have title fights on cable. They talk about how Kimbo would make 500k if he fought on PPV. We see Kimbo running some more. Kimbo stops running.

KIMBO: I’m just a regular guy.

I’ll go and check out my own street fighting videos in the meantime.

KIMBO: These other guys have chips on their shoulders. I don’t have chips on my shoulder.

Neither does Roy. Wait, those are potato chips on his shoulder.

KIMBO: I’m a family man.

I recall Colonel Guile being a bodyguard for a pornographic film studio.

– Roy considers this being a last hurrah. He intends to be in the UFC for the next four to five years. A prophecy. Rashad talks about how Roy manages himself, getting his own sponsourships, books his own fights, and trains out of his house.

No wonder he has a tough time training with others. A program like this is his worst nightmare in terms of adjustment.

– Rashad knows Roy won’t get intimidated. I believe it.

– Hey look, it’s Keith Jardine! He trains with Rashad in Greg Jackson’s camp so he’s here to help some players out. He meets with Rampage.

RAMPAGE: They spelled TapOut wrong on your shirt.
(KEITH looks down. RAMPAGE hits his nose with a finger.)

That joke was old when Bob Pinsciotti tried to do that to Red Foreman.

– Rampage had to fight Jardine because Jardine refused to fight Evans since they are in the same camp. This led to Rashad defending the title against Machida. Rampage likes Jardine and had a fight with him. However, he hates that it led to Rashad fighting Machida.

– Rashad tells Rampage that Rampage’s jaw hurts because of Keith (or as Rashad nicknames him, KJ). Rampage defends it was Hector Ramirez who hurt his jaw. Don’t worry, he’s an obscure fighter.

– Rampage said that Rashad was supposed to fight him but Jardine stepped up because Rashad wanted to keep his belt longer. They are right in each other’s faces. Cameras are close to them. They look like they are preparing to kiss because they are right up against each other’s faces. Rampage steps away claiming Rashad has bad breath. That’s why Liddell was knocked out.

– McSweeney is seen shaking his head. Rampage catches this and tries to get it on with James. He attempts to do the worst British accent ever. It’s like Ross Pointon as a zombie.

RAMPAGE: I train in the UK, and even I can’t understand you, homie. Take Rashad’s nuts out of your mouth then talk to me.

– Rashad throws himself into the middle to stop McSweeney from being thrown out of the competition, and claims to be five seconds away from hitting Rampage.

– Kimbo training centre. Rampage gets to the hard hitting questions–

RAMPAGE: How long have you been growing hair out of your face?
KIMBO: Since before my son was born–he is four.

Next question–what’s your favourite colour?

RAMPAGE: Have you found chicken bones or bread crumbs in there? Why do you wear a yarmukle? Are you a Black Jew?

KIMBO: Just to keep the hair down.

– They all have a good laugh, and Rampage promotes that Kimbo is super likable and tough to not hate.

– We see Kimbo do a variety of aerobic exercises. Both knees are heavily wrapped up. He is sweating like crazy.

– Rampage doesn’t like Kimbo’s mount defense. It will be tougher with Roy because, according to Rampage, Kimbo will lose his hands in Roy. He is afraid he will lose his hands in Roy’s belly.

RAMPAGE: That’s a big belly. Biggest belly I have ever seen. His feet don’t get in the shower. I bet he hasn’t seen his little friend in years.

I can only imagine Rampage’s opinion on Chris Christie. Kimbo thinks he can handle being able to put Roy in half guard and guard. Tiki knows there is a bombardment of info and wants Kimbo to not worry about overthinking everything.

– Kimbo and Roy are at the house and being told what to do by their respective players.

– Rampage training session. He shows up late. Right into working on condition. After last fight, that is no surprise. Marcus is worn out as he wears a shin brace, and starts walking away.

RAMPAGE: Is he changing his tampon?

Ah yes. Using feminine insults. Classy. Marcus limps into a seat.

?????: After he wins, I want to fight next.
MARCUS: You said I could fight next!
RAMPAGE: You’re sitting down. Your knee is bothering you!

Marcus proceeds to whine and complain. Rampage walks over. Marcus gets up to return to training. Marcus is preparing to cry. Rampage knows Marcus is sensitive. Rampage knows if somebody made fun of his mom, Marcus would rip the guy’s head off and punt it like a football.

– One of the guys at the house tells Marcus that he is emotional like his sister. Marcus doesn’t mind that his nickname is now Big Baby. He is a passionate Dungeons and Dragons player and a gardener. Then add in football and MMA. His words, not mine.

MARCUS: My book would be called Family, Friends, Fighting, and Flowers. I must be the most boring brother at home.

– Marcus talks about the plants he has grown. Nothing illicit. He has put most Spike viewers to sleep. He refuses to give up his gardening tips. Kimbo weighs in that Marcus is on a different planet. Kimbo doesn’t like flowers? Ain’t no family man.

– Kimbo and Marcus have a conversation. Kimbo’s analogies are from another planet. Marcus defines Kimbo as a nice guy who refuses to quit. We see a camera operator scurry in the mirror. Kimbo respects Marcus.

KIMBO: Looking at Marcus is like looking in a mirror.

Yet their hair growth is on the opposite ends of the spectrum. They couldn’t look more different.

– In what has become a rare event in TUF, we are shown the weigh-ins. Sponsoured by Castrol. We’ve had about two or three weigh-ins shown since TUF 8. They really want to hype up this fight. Dana talks about Kimbo being ferocious and being Rampage’s #1 pick.

KIMBO: 230.

– Dana knows Roy is well-rounded despite looking like he left every buffet in Vegas.

ROY: 264.

– Heavyweight weigh-ins make sense for TUF because it is the only weight class with a wide variety. It was boring to see everyone weigh in at 204-184-169-155.

– Kimbo training centre. Scott is apparently Scott Junk as he describes Kimbo as a beast. Nice knowing you, Scott. Michael. . .Wessel talks about Kimbo working hard. Sucks to be Justin.

– Roy training session. Matt discusses Roy’s phenomenal balance. Brendan thinks people would pay 40-50 bucks for it. Half as much for Kimbo to fight Houston Alexander. Justin. . .Wren thinks Roy will blast through Kimbo.

– Fight Day. Usual trash talking in confessionals resumes. I am surprised we heard from Scott, Michael, and Justin in a space of thirty seconds. All barely uttered a line. I could make a joke about Roy’s stomach but I won’t bother.

ROY NELSON
35
6’2″
77″
3-1
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA

KIMBO SLICE
32
6’0″
74″
13-4
MIAMI, FLORIDA

– Dana introduces the third preliminary fight. Herb Dean is the referee.

– Roy circles and lightly jabs. Kimbo closes in but misses. Kimbo circles. Both feint. Roy connects with a jab. Both circle. Roy lightly jabs. Kimbo fires a leg kick. Both circle and feint. Kimbo backs away. Backs away before coming in with jabs. Roy feints. So does Kimbo. Neither connect.

– Kimbo swoops in and tries to uppercut Roy against the cage. Roy spins around and has Kimbo against the cage, clinching him. Both are low standing while playing with each other’s wrists. Roy sneaks in a couple shots. He has underhooks against Kimbo on the cage. Neither is going down. Position frozen.

-Roy throws a couple knees. He manages to sweep Kimbo and has him fully mounted against the cage. Now half mount. Kimbo is holding Roy’s body close but then lets go. Kimbo has a wrist on the mat. Roy goes into side control and puts weight on Kimbo’s wrist. He throws in punches. Kimbo somersaults and nearly reverses position.

-But then Roy holds him down and has Kimbo completely held down as he throws punch after punch after punch after punch for the last thirty seconds of the round. Surprisingly, no blood. And even more surprising, no stoppage. I’m sure Herb didn’t want to be egged on the street for stopping a Kimbo fight.

– Second round. Nobody is throwing anything. Kimbo backs away. He looks exhausted. Kimbo lands TWO big punches. Roy tries to clinch as Kimbo throws in two more big punches as Roy has him on the mat.

– Roy instantly goes into side control. Kimbo has a wrist on the ground which Roy is trying to work. Roy tries to put his knee on the wrist. Kimbo is virtually flat. Roy throws in a punch to the head. He has the crucifix position while throwing in punches. He attempts a kimora but gives it up. One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten-eleven-twelfve-thirteen-fourteen-fifteen-sixteen (Rashad’s team increases the count from earlier punches) which forces Herb to stop the fight.

– Fight recap. Dana thinks Roy’s punches on the ground in the first round were like the ones where Dana’s daughter pins him down and lets her hit him. Is Dana’s daughter like what Jeff Probst’s niece is to pathetic comparisons?

RAMPAGE: Nobody can get the belly off of you. It’s like the moon sitting on top of you. You can’t get the moon off of you.

Stop stealing Letterman’s Chris Christie jokes.

ROY: Can I get a double whopper with cheese? No pickle. No pickle. The king wants it his way.
DANA: The guy is acting like the whole world should be blown away by the performance he just put on. Roy did just enough to win and not get hit.

ROY: It would’ve been nice to fight elsewhere to get a nice payday, but glad to put on a show for Dana and Lorenzo. And Rashad is starting to see I’m the #1 guy. Besides that I’m ready to go get something to eat.

– Dana thinks Kimbo stepped up. He feels he needs to absorb as much wrestling knowledge as possible, and that if there is an injury, Kimbo could come back.

KIMBO: I’m a street fighter. . .I don’t feel bad. I feel bad. I feel like s—. I lost by TKO. I gotta pick up and keep going. It’s a fight it’s a battle–
(Construction sounds in the backgound.)
KIMBO: Hey keep the noise down!

Was the fourth wall just broken? A confessional acknowledging the surrounding environment? I suppose they wanted to throw that in for Kimbo.

KIMBO: These f—ing guys man.

Next Time on TUF: Marcus Jones displays unstoppable power but then collapses at the House which creates speculation for a Kimbo comeback. And Team Rashad cooks up a strategy to extend their winning streak but only to find they have a traitor in the midst. Who will rise up and fight for their shot at becoming The Ultimate Fighter?

RAMPAGE TEAM

ABE WAGNER 0x
DEMICO ROGERS 0
KIMBO SLICE 7
MARCUS JONES 4
SCOTT JUNK 1
WES SHIVERS 1x
WES SIMS 0
ZAK JENSEN 0

RASHAD TEAM

BRENDAN SCHAUB 1
DARRILL SCHOONOVER 0
JAMES MCSWEENEY 2
JON MADSEN 0
JUSTIN 1
MATT MITRIONE 3
MICHAEL WESSEL 1
ROY NELSON 5

Rank the Fights

1) Kimbo Slice vs. Roy Nelson (Big names who end up finishing the fight before it goes to the lousy judges? Sadly it’s the best one after three episodes.)

2) Wes Shivers vs. James McSweeney (It was a very average affair.)

3) Abe Wagner vs. Jon Madsen (It will be a shame if this isn’t the worst fight of the season. A cut so deep that we saw the bone in Abe’s forehead, though. I can’t recall seeing a fight with three stand-ups in one round.)

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