TAR All Stars episode three ranking

EPISODE THREE

Previously on TAR: Ten teams set out from Quito, Ecuador to Calama, Chile. Charla & Mirna got stuck in the mud, but David pulled em out. But on the way to the pit stop, Charla & Mirna passed her allies which pissed off Mary.

All editors and production’s hard-ons focused on Rob & Amber, and led producers all the way to first place.

Kevin & Drew finished last and were eliminated. Nine teams remain. Who will be eliminated this round?

*Guidos glasses clank in the intro and a plethora of synchronized head movements with the exception of Cha Cha Cha. I guess they don’t swing that way.

PHIL: Fraternity Brothers Kevin & Drew finished last, and were eliminated.
DREW: That’s cool.
PHIL: Nine teams remain, who will be eliminated tonight?

I love how casual the editing is about such a bizarre situation.

– Intro. How long will it take for Uchenna & Joyce to wash that car? And I’m wondering how David & Mary own those University of Kentucky hoodies without clearly attending the University of Kentucky.

– The intro is the only time we ever see Drew smile this season.

– We are introduced to the Atacama Desert. I haven’t seen deserts that look like Valley of the Dead. It was the second Romber victory in a race with Romber around the world.

– Romber, who arrived first at 1139am, will depart at 1139pm. That desert must be freezing at night. Rob reads with his Bostonian accent that teams must drive four miles and find the town of San Pedro de Atacama.

My guess is this is the town everyone visited who made a turn to the right at the end of the last leg. I bet a taxi set up Wanted posters for Kevin & Drew’s because of their cutoff manuever. Or posters for Mirna.

WANTED:
MIRNA — FOR GIVING DRIVER MONEY AGAINST WILL
REWARD: LIFETIME’S SUPPLY OF EARPLUGS.

– Once in town, teams must find the San Pedro de Atacama Church. Real original. Across the street is their next clue.

– Bee Rob is constantly taking chances. That’s how you finish worst and first in the same round.
He doesn’t seem to understand the game is all about not coming in last.

– He isn’t too concerned about other teams. Ambuh doesn’t care if people think she isn’t soooo good.

ROB: I could care less.

COULDN’T CARE LESS. COULDN’T CARE LESS. Sorry. But this phrase was in its peak in 2007, and started out as “I couldn’t care less” (which makes sense) to “I could care less” (which doesn’t make sense).

In conclusion, Rob cares about other teams because he considers caring less.

– Cha Cha Cha depart at 1218am. Romber have another significant lead over second place. Oswald says him and Danny came from Cuba, and is willing to run people over. Is that why he came to America? Because it’s impossible to run people over with those ailing Cuban cars. My sister’s Nissan Micra is more intimidating than half of the cars in Havana.

– OSWALD: I will not run people over out of maliciousness or to hurt anyone.

So you’ll do it with glee and under a delusional frame of mind? Holy crap, Oswald. I’ll remember not to go to Miami when you’re in town. A couple martinis in you and it’s game over for a pedestrian.

– Romber have the clue. Fly 800 miles to Puerto Montt. Once they land, they will choose a marked car and drive themselves 30 miles to the town of Metri and find the fishery with the longest name on the planet.

Centro Aqua Tora  Ici Mencias Del Mar. Just rolls off your tongue.

– Romber asks a couple roaming the streets of midnight if Internet is open. He convinces the couple to accompany him to the nearest Internet location.

– Guidos depart at 1232am.

JOE: We feel like the godfathers of tough competitors. We can be smart. We can be fast. There’s no need to minimize us because we are two gay men living together.
guidos minimize

Heh. I just minimized you, and switched the video to small screen.

– Guidos proceed to talk about Chardonnay wine. One minute later, Eric & Danielle open the clue.

ERIC: You have 37 dollars for this leg of the race. Peace out, Cub Scout.

lil scout

Oh god. He didn’t mean you, Lil. Please cease those tears immediately. Why do you think older people like Joan Rivers get botox?

scout survivor

Phew. Much better. Just don’t let the hackles come out.

– DANIELLE: I think Eric forgets this race is about me just as much as it is about him.

So do we.

danielle walk

Next Eric will teach Danielle how to walk and chew gum at the same time.

– DANIELLE: I’m a girl trying to keep up with Eric who is a guy, and doing the best that I can.

All female viewers cringed at that statement.

danielle mouth

Needless to say she really needs every inch of her jaw to speak.

– 1234am and Uchenna & Joyce leave in 5th. What is this? The Sesame Street part of the episode? Uchenna wants to make intelligent choices and work together.

– Cha Cha Cha has the clue. At 1235am I bet everyone will be on the same flight out. Eric decides to follow Guidos. Eric stops the car as he hears Joe asking for directions to church. Joe is upset when Eric & Danielle take off after he did all of the work.

– Eric & Danielle have clue and go back to car. Bill wants to talk to him about stopping to hear Bill’s directions then take off. Eric defends that it’s a race. Bill is channeling his inner Mirna.

– So Bill pulls a Tiananmen Square and opens his clue in front of Eric & Danielle’s vehicle as a form of protest to prevent them from driving forward.

bill car

The only missing part of the plan is how to prevent from Eric driving in reverse. Joe tells Bill to walk away because they made their point and not be too dramatic. At least Guidos have their limits.

– Romber has Internet. Guidos have clue. Chipmunks depart at 1248am. Thirteen minutes after Uchenna & Joyce. Chipmunks have an alliance with Teri & Ian because they are good with directions.

This season we discover if the Chipmunks can demonstrate their knowledge of the term ‘alliance’.

– Teri & Ian exit at 1250am. Teri thinks Chipmunks have proven to be strong racers.

teri hair

I could’ve sworn I have seen that hairstyle somewhere recently.

coach hair

The Big Kahuna Slayer.

– Teri likes them as strong competitors. Ian takes it to a new level.

IAN: They’re funny. They wiggle and jiggle around the world. It’s totally cool with me.

Wow. I can’t believe he said that in front of Teri. The idea of 50-year-old Ian talking about women half of his age wiggling and jiggling is a bit odd. Luckily Teri is not threatened because they are Chipmunks.

– 1254am. Time for Charla & Mirna. Mirna instantly launches into about how any team willing to battle with her will not find pushovers. Last to leave is David & Mary.

– Mary talks about how it’s tough to race without their friends. And this time she doesn’t have the Chos. We see a black and white picture from the middle of TAR 10.

mary cho

Yep. This was in the episode.

After this episode aired, I Google’d online if the Chos had died. Because there was really sad music playing. Almost like Gothic “Imma suck your blood” music. It was a soundtrack piece that TAR never used before. So I searched and searched.

The Chos aren’t dead. I was stumped. Why the heck was this included in the episode? Which producer thought to include a random shot that had nothing to do with this season? Why Chos? Why not Lyn & Karlyn? Did something happen during the offseason? I don’t get it. To this day I am stumped why they chose to include this. Each time I re-watch this I feel I have my equilibrium thrown off for a minute or two.

– I was waiting for a better shot of Mary’s Cho shirt that she wore at the Starting Line, but I discovered she does not wear it at any other time during the season. You know how the Chos had their shirts that said  the following:

MISSING:
(Picture of Phil Keoghan)
REWARD: Bushel of kiwis.

Well. . .

mary cho 2

MISSING:
(Picture of Chos)
REWARD: Chinese food. Although they’re not Chinese.

– Chipmunks go in the wrong direction with Teri & Ian. They figure out where to go. So much for the reasoning of the alliance.

-Charla & Mirna have the clue and ask for directions to the airport. Kentucky pulls up. Mary has the record for most repeated confessionals as the one from the ‘Previously On’ segment and the one from last episode is re-aired. Mirna criticizes David’s driving in the alley.

– Romber books tickets for a flight that lands at 1255pm. The next three teams are at the airport. Chipmunks and Teri & Ian have the clue and end their alliance right then and there. They hug it out.

Wow. Chipmunks stayed true to an alliance from start to finish. It was only ten minutes, but hey, they stayed true to it.

– Uchenna & Joyce head to a lineup. Guidos are front of one line. Eric & Danielle have their own. And Cha Cha Cha has another. Uchenna finds a solution. They all agree that whoever finds the best flight books everyone else on it. The four teams agree. Everyone gave each other their information, including the provided credit card codes to be used to book flights. Or so we think. Guidos give theirs to Uchenna & Joyce. The teams send Uchenna & Joyce to find a place with Internet to book tickets in the meantime.

-Kentucky is in a lineup behind Eric & Danielle and ask who is where. No Chipmunks and no Romber.

– Uchenna & Joyce see the 1255pm flight. Uchenna is virtually one of the best at booking flights. They go to book the other teams on the flight but only Guidos gave their security code.

– Uchenna & Joyce give Guidos their tickets. Uchenna explains the problem with Oswald and Eric. Good news is nobody blames Uchenna because he never plays dirty.

– Romber is satisfied with 1255pm flight. They have nothing to do with the situation but gets to comment anyway. 1255pm flight is full.

– Eric & Danielle book 155pm flight. So does Kentucky and Cha Cha Cha. And Chipmunks.

CHARLA (to KANDICE): Can you get our ticket?
KANDICE: What?
DUSTIN: Watch it.
CHARLA: We were here before you. . .

I. . .I don’t think that’s how it works. Prepare to be Tom & Terry’d, Charla. This is how they dooooo it.

CHARLA: We were here before you so I don’t know what you’re upset about.

FIFTEEN HOURS EARLIER

chipmunks charla

Charla must suffer from short-term memory loss.

KANDICE: What?
CHARLA: I can’t see over the counter. I’m not as privileged as you. So I’m talking right here if that’s okay with you.

charla counter

What, Charla? Can you speak where I can see you?

– Kandice gives an unintentionally amusing confessional.

KANDICE: Charla has a personality that’s HUGE!

Charla has something that’s. . .huge?

– Kandice is surprised by her boldness. Teri & Ian and Charla & Mirna are on the same flight. Eric sees that Uchenna & Joyce are on a 1255pm flight that they weren’t explicitly told about when Uchenna talked about the failed code.

– Eric goes to an agent to discuss the 1255pm flight. Mirna spies on him from afar and goes to join him. Ian sees Eric talking quietly and overhearing there is an earlier flight. At least he didn’t discuss how Danielle wiggles and jiggles.

– Ian asks for the agent. There are no seats left so Ian must go buy standby tickets.

ian hat 2

The white hat is BACK! I love how he has the same style of hat in multiple colours.

ian hat 3

I see ya baby,
Wearing that hat.

– Ian’s hat and Teri wander off disgruntled. Mirna buys tickets for same stand-by flight.

– Everyone is on the same flight to Santiago. From Santiago to Puerto Montt is where the scramble for standby tickets begins. Teri & Ian is first to the desk.

teri counter

Clearly first.

teri counter 2

And look who came to crash the party.

– Mirna lies and said they were told to be helped at the other counter. How do the Big Kahunas react to Mirna interrupting them while they talk to the agent as she lies out of her teeth and engaging in a grinding match?

teri counter 3

I officially declare Mirna fearless. Teri mildly pushes her, wags finger in face, and spits with fury. Teri orders Mirna to talk to her as Ian will talk to the agent. Mirna doesn’t accept these terms. Ian has only one response. . .

ian objection

IAN: Do not intercede!

“Do not intercede?” Wow, I think Ian is back on duty. Ian the undercover police officer against Mirna the lawyer. Ian immediately calls for security. Even outside of the courtroom it’s tough to push lawyers away.

And yes, I find it ironic that the police officer is using the ‘objection’ finger against the lawyer.

– IAN: You’re being rude.

Mirna’s comeback?

mirna rude

mirna rude 2

I’m like a snake cuz I’m hissin SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSNAP!

CHARLA: There was no reason for yelling and screaming at each other.

Or cutting in line, or shoving, or pushing, or avoiding all sense of etiquette.

CHARLA: We’re trying our best to get ahead.

Then why the crap say there didn’t need to be yelling or screaming? Screaming and yelling is a legitimate way to prevent Mirna from getting in line. Those who complain the most in public places tend to receive the best treatment by businesses. I think Mirna is upset she was outplayed.

– No standby tickets so everyone is screwed. Luckily only five teams are on the leading flight while the five trailing teams are on the 155pm flight. Dustin believes the four strongest teams are on the earlier flight. Odd how teams who arrive first get on planes first in TAR.

FIRST FLIGHT: Guidos; Uchenna & Joyce; Eric & Danielle; Romber
SECOND FLIGHT: Chipmunks; Kentucky; Cha Cha Cha; Teri & Ian; Charla & Mirna; Garfield & Friends

I should note that this is Romber and Uchenna & Joyce’s seventh leg in South America, and third overall in Chile. Pretty soon they’ll forget the idea of moving horizontally.

– First flight lands. Uchenna & Joyce leads. Romber right behind. Rob assumes Eric & Danielle are following. Eric tells Danielle to watch the Guidos behind them.

DANIELLE: He had a Jekyll and Hyde moment this morning.

Wait. Did Danielle make a reference to a Victorian novel? I never saw Bill bashing someone with a cane, though. But still. She talked about a book.

– Rob wants to slow down so he can let the teams behind him get lost. Ambuh is against it and tells him not to be distracted. So much for Rob’s strategy to have other teams be distracted by him. Rob really wants his reputation to stay intact.

– Romber takes a turn on their own. Uchenna & Joyce show a paper listing the address through their car window to a taxi. He nods and takes them. Eric & Danielle admit to following Uchenna & Joyce. Guidos are behind. Bill wonders where Romber is.

JOE: Rob is not Jesus.

rob jesus

What gave it away? Does Jesus wear a Yankees hat? Would Jesus not run the race with a newlywed? Does Jesus flirt with the woman who possesses implants? So many questions. What Would Boston Rob Do?

– Romber ask to follow a driver; Rob instructs Amber to read the map. She stares and does nothing.

– The other three teams are at the correct location. It’s a roadblock.

“Roadblock: Who can handle a slippery situation?”

In this roadblock teams must immerse themselves into fish farming. Each person chooses a 1800 gallon breeding tank. They must catch and transfer all eighty fish into a holding tank at the other end of the farm. Sounds very time consuming. There’s a ladder too that they have to climb into. Once finished, their clue will be revealed at the bottom of the breeding tank.

– Danielle is doing it. She hates fish. A fish farming area and she volunteered to do the task? She coils her hand back after touching one. They’re not electric eels. Or the eel penises from TAR 4. They’re just big fish.

UCHENNA: WHAT IS THERE? A HUNDRED OF THEM IN HERE?

Close. Only off by twenty. It’d be suspicious if he yelled “WHAT? THERE’S EIGHTY OF THEM IN HERE?”

– Eric tells her to quit being a baby. His face falls. This is why she finished eighth. Uchenna is doing it too. Joe is doing the roadblock. The fish are flopping as they try to escape before getting to the holding tank.

uchenna fish

Safe to say Uchenna doesn’t like fish either.

– Everyone is laughing on the sidelines. Eric knows he should’ve done this task. Romber is at the roadblock. The other teams comment on their presence. Ambuh wants to do it because Danielle is doing it.

– Second flight gets in. David drives back in the direction of the airport. Mary goes back to her role of screaming at David whenever he screws up. Cha Cha Cha has a map.

– Teri & Ian and Chipmunks split the price of the cab to follow. The alliance resumes. Their flight landed early while the first flight landed five minutes late. Charla & Mirna are in dead last heading into the driving portion of the race.

I must admit that teams driving on all three legs thus far has made me a very happy viewer.

– Teri & Ian pass Cha Cha Cha. Teri tells the cabbie to wait. Chipmunks have the clue first of the trailing pack. Teri & Ian and Cha Cha Cha right with them. David & Mary and Charla & Mirna still somewhere on the road.

– Kandice, Danny No Cardio, and Teri are doing the roadblock. All of the leading teams are still doing the task.

joe fish

Did this shot really need to be included in the episode?

– Joe crowns himself the fish whisperer. Eric calls for Danielle to use her boobs to squash the fish.

danielle fish

Well at least she’s listening.

– Rob comments on Eric’s comments. It goes nowhere. At least Eric’s strategy worked.

OSWALD: Be the fish. Become the fish.

danny fish

Danny comes a charging.

danny fish 2

Here comes the boom.

danny fish 3

Crash.

danny fish 4

Oswald told him to become the fish. Danny is now flopping on the ground all over the place. Be careful what you wish for, Oswald.

– Kentucky shows up next. David is doing. Mary tells the camera that David is afraid of fish. David is from Kentucky and is therefore not a water person. Why the heck didn’t Mary do it then? She had the luxury of seeing what the roadblock is unlike Eric.

– Uchenna is done. He reads that the next clue is along the beach at La Maquina just before the town of Petrohue. Phil elaborates teams must drive more than fifty miles until they reach the town of Petrohue and see the popular adventure sport spot known as ‘La Maquina’. This is where their next clue is.

– David takes his hat off. He means business as he starts grabbing the fish.

– Joe is done. He writes down ‘Along the beach of La Maquina search for your next clue”. The whole Petrohue part about 50 miles away is completely missed. TAR Blunder music plays. It’s not like the words were hard to miss. You remember the security code, but not the words staring you in the face.

– Charla & Mirna are last to the roadblock. Unfortunately Mirna is doing it. Charla doing this task would have been something. Would she require a step stool for the ladder?

– Guidos drive away with half a clue. Amber is done as she has the whole clue.  Rob is proud of Amber for smoking Danny and Danielle. Danielle is done. She says that was the hardest thing for her besides the time spent privately with Eric. Or maybe not.

– Mirna is afraid of fish.

mirna fear

For a woman is who not afraid to push around any man, woman, and child, we have come to learn that Egyptian sheep and Chilean fish intimidate Mirna into a state of quivering in fear.

– Guidos see a river so they assume the clue is somewhere around it. The other teams abuse the pronunciation of Petrohue. Eric and Rob are lost on the road so they ask a man on the road for directions. Eric agrees to follow Rob. Rob doesn’t mind Eric & Danielle because he wants him and Danielle as insurance. Classic race strategy. Ally with a team you perceive to be weaker and you are guaranteed to avoid elimination.

So why the heck doesn’t Rob ally with David & Mary or Kevin & Drew? I guess he can’t wait forever.

– ROB: Eric and Danielle versus me and Amber any day of the week. . .we are the ods on favourite.

Humble attitude is a trait passed through New England for generations.

– David transports seven fish at a time. Other teams are impressed. Danny trips. Teri struggles. Chipmunks are done and have the whole clue. Oswald is in agony knowing he should have done it. David is done as he made up four slots. Mary is impressed.

– Mirna thinks she could be here for hours as Ian proclaims they will be here for hours. Teri is done as Ian requests everyone to give a “Hoo-rah” for Teri.

– Danny is done and dries his hands on Oswald’s shirt. Oh no. His amazing attire now smells like fish!

DANNY: I am sweaty and delirious.

Delirious because he thought he would do well at it.

– Charla & Mirna are dead last. All teams are gone. Uchenna & Joyce get directions from a cafe. Uchenna goes to hug the lady afterwards but announces he smells like fish mid-hug. The woman shrugs it off.

– The three leading teams comment on the beauty of the landscape. So does Kentucky. Mary loves looking at the ocean despite her and David hating it.

– Mirna is done the roadblock and has the whole clue. Bill asks if there is a sign that says ‘La Maqina’. They are stumped so Bill heads back in the car. Alone and without the real clue. So toast.

– Romber and Eric & Danielle see the clue. It’s a detour.

In this detour teams will choose between Vertical Limit or River Wild. In Vertical Limit, teams must complete a forty foot rock climb. Each team member will retrieve one half of the clue to the ground. In River Wild, they will choose a raft and a guide to complete a 2 1/2 mile rafting course. These are category 3 and 4 rapids.

So I’m guessing that means they have some type of significance. I don’t know what, but it does. I wish I knew how many categories there were of rapids.

– Romber and Eric & Danielle both do this task. Uchenna & Joyce worry when Rob and Eric drive in their direction. Luckily a sign is right in their face so they don’t pull a Meredith & Maria. They will do rapids as well. Rock climbing sounds faster but whatever.

– Eric & Danielle get out at the wrong area. Chipmunks are at Petrohue and make the turn. David sees the sign.

DAVID: What was that? Petro–
MARY: Just go.

If only Petrohue had more words on the sign, Mary would be willing to listen. Blunder music plays.

– Charla & Mirna are in front of Guidos in town. Charla & Mirna scream at a guy to accompany them in the car to Petrohue. Guidos are out of the car too asking for directions from the guy but Mirna is too busy dragging him to the car.

petrohue

But he has work. No way you can get him to go with you, Mirna.

petrohue 2

the rock

IT DOESN’T MATTER WHETHER YOU HAVE WORK OR NOT!

I have a tough time believing that big dude gets overpowered by Charla & Mirna.

– Charla announces it is twenty-five each. Guidos agree and insist specifically that they won’t screw them like the Chipmunks did. I think Guidos should pay for the whole fare because that is the biggest stroke of luck I have seen. They are lucky that Charla & Mirna were so far behind that they were still in town.

– Romber head to change. Eric & Danielle see Uchenna & Joyce on the road. Eric thinks it is five kilometres and invites Uchenna to follow him.

– Chipmunks don’t see a sign for La Maquina and pull over. They’re at the river rafting detour. Teri & Ian and Cha Cha Cha choose to go river rafting.

– Chipmunks assume that their clue will be given out after river rafting. Yep. They’re just playing along with a task on zero notice and zero instruction. The adrenalin must be ridiculous to make that much of an oversight.

– Eric & Danielle spot Chipmunks already in the rafts. They don’t understand but keep going.

KANDICE: We’re looking for the clue while we do this, right?
GUIDE: I don’t know.

I’m happy that producers didn’t interfere with the race course. In the past a Highlander pointed out that the clue was blocked by the cab driver or a woman hints by saying ‘forgetting something?’ At least this is legit.

– David & Mary get directions. The woman is unhappy as she mimes that they missed it by several miles. Mary’s face falls when she looks at the map.

– Charla & Mirna and Guidos are at an info centre.

JOE: What does Petrohue have to do with anything?!
MIRNA: . . .You didn’t write the rest of your clue. You’re lucky you’re with us.

charla scratch

Charla doesn’t understand how the Guidos have managed to do so well throughout this season. Why in the world are her and Mirna always last?

– Both teams talk about how crazy of a stroke of luck that was.

MIRNA: They would’ve been done. Maybe I’m not cutthroat enough for this game.

Now look at what you have done, Guidos. Putting crazy ideas in Mirna’s head.

– Romber has clue. Time to drive 3.5 miles through the lake district to find Playa Petrohue. The beach made of black volcanic sand is the pit stop. So Romber takes a shuttle back to their clothes. It’s subtitled so it must be important.

– Chipmunks are still looking for clue. This is painful to watch. Rob asks for directions and keeps driving. Chipmunks are done and assume they didn’t have to do a detour this round. Oh boy. Luckily the pit stop is only 3.5 miles away. If the pit stop was the same distance as last leg they would be battling for last.

phil petrohue

Phil waits for Romber with the greeter. Romber is told they are first. Amber cheers and hugs Rob. For this leg they have each won a home gym. Home gym, motorcycle, and a trip to Vancouver. Rob would trade all prizes for team number one on thirteenth leg. They could be the first team to win a million dollars in prizes before the end of the game.

– Uchenna & Joyce are done and note the Chipmunks made up a lot of time. Eric & Danielle are done and make the same comment. Chipmunks are unable to start their car. They get out to push it from the front. Oh well. Both teams pass them. Car stalls. Then finally works. They should’ve just blown into the cartridge right away.

– The TAR 7 experts finish 1-2 this leg because Uchenna & Joyce are officially team number two.

joyce face

And are quite thrilled about it to say the least.

– Eric & Danielle are third. Teri falls out of the raft. Ian screams for her. Then commercial. There isn’t a good screen cap of her falling.

teri raft

Except this one. Ian watches helplessly.

teri raft 2

But she’s fine.

TERI: It was exciting to fall out of the boat.

Same words spoken by Teri’s great grandma in her final minutes on the Titanic.

I don’t understand why they do the water sports tasks considering what happened the last time they played. Jet skis and rafts are not their thing.

– Teri & Ian are done the task. Cha Cha Cha is done. Chipmunks enter the pit stop. Phil informs them that they need all of their clues before checking in. They have to mathematically add them all up and see what is missing.

chipmunks barbie

Math is hard.

– Chipmunks run back to their cars. They have yet to figure out that the clue they are missing is the clue that they thought they were missing.

Yeah, I know, right?

– David & Mary arrive in Petrohue. So do Charla & Mirna and Guidos.

– Cha Cha Cha elects not to change and run to the car. Ian admits it was smart because Cha Cha Cha gains about a minute and heads out of the parking lot about a few seconds before Teri & Ian. Oswald is not sure but tells them to do a turn.

– Teri & Ian see the Chipmunks heading in their direction and are concerned. Sure enough they pull over to ask locals where to go. Oswald realizes it is the wrong turn and tells Danny to go back. Chipmunks pass Teri & Ian on the road. So do the Chipmunks. The Chipmunks check back in and are stunned nobody to check in.

– Guidos budge Mirna at the clue box. This is the thanks she gets? Guidos and Charla & Mirna elect to river raft. Mirna hates that the Guidos took off ahead of them. Well, it does appear to be a race for last place.

Wouldn’t that be hilarious though? Charla & Mirna get booted for helping out another team of all things? Bring them back for a third time and they will spit in everyone’s mouths by the end of leg one.

– Cha Cha Cha hit the mat. Oswald thinks the Little Person greeter and Charla will fall in love. They’re ecstatic to be fifth.

– David & Mary have the Detour clue.
MARY: River Wild. Is that good?
DAVID: I don’t care. It’s up to you.
MARY: I can’t do a forty foot rope climb! GOD.

Some of us call that entrapment, Mary.

– Mary is scared to death because she doesn’t like thrills and chills. Good thing she signed up for The Amazing Race. Teri & Ian check into the pit stop.

– Charla & Mirna change faster than the Guidos. David & Mary see the other two teams in the water. So Kentucky changes.

mary hostage

The instructor is using the same language as you would hear during a hostage situation on TV. “You’re not gonna fall over if you follow my instructions.” The terror in her face is priceless. Since when do hostages get taken on a three mile white water raft journey? Freddy Holliday is entertaining when he pretends to be a kidnapper.

freddy gino 1

I take you hostage, put you on a boat, then we go down category 3 and 4 rapids, is there a category 5? I don’t really know, you struggle to paddle, you nearly fall off the boat, but you know the water equals your demise so you think of your kids and chos and bama to stay in the boat, then afterwards i hold you hostage as you drive to a supermarket, you buy five purple grapes and a yo-yo, what? i’m feeling hungry and a little nostalgic, we get into a stand-off with police because david managed to warn security and got away, then we have a shootout, you’re fine but i’m really badly hurt and yeah that’s what it would be like. finish the pizza, we need to go.

– David laughs as Mary knows she can’t swim and will die. Mary wants to beat Charla & Mirna. Kentucky, Guidos, and Charla & Mirna are all relatively together. Charla & Mirna are done but can’t find the car keys. Charla announces it is back at the tent.

MIRNA: Come with me, I can’t go by myself!

Chilean curfew can be tricky to negotiate.

– Guidos are able to get in their cars and leave right away. They run into a post Eve style before driving. Kentucky has their clue. Joe cries thinking about the nerve wracking day. Mirna has the key. She apologizes to the big dude knowing it is weird they are in a bathing suit.

– Guidos are seventh.  A race between the two allies. Plenty of suspense settles in. It’s Charla & Mirna. They’re eighth. For the third time in a row. Much like Romber finishing first three times in a row.

– Mary is happy she got to do the race not once but twice. They’re last and eliminated. Kentucky takes this exit better than last time. Accept each other for who they are is all they get from the race this time around. Thankfully it doesn’t get more over the top than that.

P.S. David & Mary finished in ninth all three rounds. Either they endorse Hermain Cain’s tax policy, like puzzle games produced by Nintendo, or like slamming their desks in German denial.

Next time on TAR: Romber meet their match in Charla & Mirna. And an ending that will have EVERYONE talking. Really, Phil? Now you’re just flat out exaggerating.

Confessionals

Rob.Amber 5.2
Uchenna.Joyce 2.1
Dustin.Kandice 2.3
Joe.Bill 1.1
Charla.Mirna 1.3
David.Mary 2.9
Teri.Ian 3.5
Oswald.Danny 2.0
Eric.Danielle 4.2

Team averages

Bulls— Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
— F +–
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF
–D+–
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
7th Dave & Lori 5.83
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th Fran & Barry 4.89
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
4th Monica & Joseph 3.50
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17
–A minus–
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17
3rd Weaver Family 3.15
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
–BEST OF THE BEST–
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF

Rank the Legs

1) Calama -> Puerto Montt (Okay, it was a round with rather easy tasks. None of them involved skill. However, everything else about the leg was great. There was the one and only scramble for flights during the episode, and teams drove themselves for the entire round. None of the teams can blame a dang thing on taxis.

The conflict between the teams were organic and set up what is to come for the next several rounds. Guidos vs. Eric & Danielle, Rob’s disrespect for Eric continues, Charla & Mirna vs. Everyone in sight. This makes the round crucial and ultimately a bridge to what will occur the remainder of the season.

Overall, a cast delivers as much as it can as all nine teams had something interesting going on. It’s just that production couldn’t provide a leg that was all-star worthy. Wish we went to a new doggone country.

One last thing that bothered me is how they spent another round in a country where two teams (Romber and Uchenna & Joyce) would have a big advantage, and everyone else is at a disadvantage compared to them. That’s one of the logistic issues when doing an all-star. You have to do countries where everyone is on a level playing field. Sadly, another round that tips the race course in favour of another team is not the answer.

One last thing that I liked is that David & Mary were eliminated. The three weakest teams are gone. From the fourth episode until the end of the game, this feels like a true all-star race.)

2) Miami -> Quito (The season premiere of any all-star edition of any competitive reality TV show is always a top ten episode of any franchise. Why? Because of the unlikely interactions. You can’t help but feel giddy as Ian groans at Charla & Mirna, as David and Drew physically fight over a car, teams going from goons to gods, and gods to goons. Who can finish at the top of the all-star pact or falter to the bottom? How do they match up against our expectations? So many great storytellers for the first round make minor events seem like the funniest things in the world.

Then there’s the jokes editors throw in. Gutsy Grannies reference thrown in for good measure. Themes in how teams continue to treat each other. You should watch a different show if you didn’t enjoy the premiere.

The only way I can penalize this episode is that the difficulty of these tasks were lousy. Cotopaxi seemed to be tricky for teams but it did not translate well on TV. Producers could have been more harsh, but with so many teams to catch up on in a one hour episode, I believe a one episode grace period is in order.

And Poor Drew. He probably gives enough hope to people like James & Abba to try their luck at a Craps table.)

3) Quito -> Calama (Both tasks were great. However, that flight to the final task is what ruined the episode. Add in a one-lane road to the pit stop with only one exit, and suddenly you have the bottom four teams having no choice but to travel as a pact to the pit stop. Luckily they screwed up on the same turn, but the fact production opened the door for complete chaos is not something I approve.

Drew’s 2-episode glamourous return was well worth it. We were graced with the opportunity to witness the least enthusiastic racer in TAR history. Charla & Mirna broke the record for blowing a situation out of proportion.  Mary giving directions based on the number of words was a series first.

Drew eliminating Phil from the pit stop was great. He just shuns them. There is no rule that you had to stand there as the sad music plays and Phil requests a life transformation from you.

Eric sounding like a lost kid as he followed Oswald and Amber and repeated ‘what is it’ over and over is an underrated moment. Or Charla falling.

Overall, the cast and tasks delivered. It’s just that one flight that knocks it down. Split charter flights would have been a better alternative if production was stuck in a crappy situation.)

Rank the Teams

1) John Vito & Jill

Bad directions from locals and perhaps bad luck from an overnight sleep at a restaurant sent them out the door.

It was nice to see them return and disappoint my sister yet again. However in a field of such crazy teams, they are probably ecstatic to avoid the chaos that will no doubt ensue any moment.

Go Team Friends With Benefits!

2) David & Mary

Fan favourites who recorded the 78th best average in TAR history came back. . .to perform the exact same way. No new dimension to their relationship other than David unwilling to go with his gut regarding Petrohue and the wrong turn that Mary wanted to take because it ‘had the most words’.

This is All Stars. They barely survived two eliminations and sure enough eliminated in the first round of TAR that they had to do entirely on their own. Three times in a row they finished ninth. They wanted to play aggressive and not have alliances, but sure enough they get by on an alliance and get burned within two rounds.

The most surprising thing is that Rob & Amber or another skilled team didn’t help them along the way to ensure they had a weaker team with them in the final legs of the season.

And if you have a team so weak that others are considering that strategy, production should have really re-considered another team to play in their place.

3) Kevin & Drew

I have to put these two last. Drew, particularly. Yes, seeing the least enthusiastic player ever attempt to go against all TAR convention was a treat to see. It was like Drew was parodying the show. But if this were to continue? It would have been annoying in episodes three and onwards.

Plus you can’t help but feel a team like Ken & Gerard would have appreciated that spot ten times more than Drew. I wish Drew was more grateful for it.

I can’t believe he made production stop for six hours to watch footage that didn’t matter.

This entry was posted in The Amazing Race, The Amazing Race 11, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s