TAR All Stars episode two ranking

EPISODE TWO

Previously on TAR: Nine all-star teams, David & Mary, and Kevin & Drew set out from Miami, Florida on their second chance to win a million dollars. At the airport, David & Mary targeted the Chipmunks.

MARY: We don’t wanna help them. We want them out.

Phil forgets to mention the plan doesn’t work.

Once in Quito, producers created a buzz about Rob & Amber. And Drew took a painful spill. Romber won the round, and formerly dating couple John Vito & Jill were eliminated. Ten teams are still in the race. Who will be eliminated next?

– Phil introduces the Cotopaxi Volcano, and Mirador Cotopaxi.

– We see Drew on his back.

DREW: I can’t get a full breath.

drew oxygen

Forget the oxygen tank. He needs unicorn blood!

drew nose

This might be one of the most pathetic visuals in TAR history. The one thought Drew must have is. . .

drew continue

Drew is considering to not push start.

DREW: I’ve had oxygen administered four times.

Four times?! I thought Boston Rob was the only person who needed something four times. How the heck is Drew going to survive with a hurt shoulder, knee, flat tire in his car, lack of oxygen, and a sore throat? Has anyone ever been in such a dire situation after one round?

– Phil’s Questions: None.

– Rob & Amber, who were the first to arrive, will depart at 742am. Longer than 12 hours for sure.

– It is time to fly 2, 400 miles to Santiago, Chile. Once here they will travel twelve miles by taxi to the headquarters of Codelco–the largest copper mining company in the world. Here they will find their next clue.

ROB: I don’t want the other teams to be afraid of us. I want them to be pre-occupied with us. It distracts them from what they should be doing.

I think so far that has only worked for the producers and editors. Other teams just give their answer and move on.

– At 753am, it’s Cha Cha Cha time. Oswald hopes they proved that they can compete. Danny doesn’t want to wait for other teams.

– At 817am, Teri & Ian depart. Ian says if they stop, look, and listen, they will do well like they did near the end of last season.

IAN: We are going to have a marvellous time!

Did Ian just break into Amy speak from BB3?

amy bb3

Only a true southern belle can say ‘marvellous,’ my dear.

– 824am. Eric gives Danielle a pep talk.

ERIC: Don’t break your ankles. Don’t roll down the hill like Humpty.
DANIELLE: Humpty?
ERIC: Off the wall.
DANIELLE: Ah.
ERIC: We’re call you Humpty Dumba–.
*crickets*
*clue opens*

– Eric understands now that relationship based teams face added pressure, and for the time being they don’t have any problems.

– 825am, time for the Guidos.

BILL: Who says gay men can’t drive!

Was that a rhetorical question? Because I can think of plenty of gay men who are allowed to drive. In fact, I can’t think of any gay men who can’t drive.

bill toque

What is with the frog coloured toque?

bj frog hat 1

Who knew Super Mario Bros. 3 fashion would sweep America in the 2000s.

– 834am. Dustin & Kandice. 835am, Uchenna & Joyce.

– Kandice isn’t thrilled over sixth.

– Joyce learned a lot of life lessons in the first race as a couple. Uchenna knows he can’t have Mrs. Right without being Mr. Right. Luckily he drove through Ingreso Norte in the previous round.

– Charla & Mirna depart at 850am. Mirna thinks it might be chilly in Chile. I hear that’s common with tropical countries.

You could be eating chilli too while playing baseball with Chili Davis. The possibilities are endless, Mirna.

– 851am = David & Mary departure. What is with 4th and 5th, 6th and 7th, then 8th and 9th departing in pairs. I don’t get it. Only 69 minutes behind Rob & Ambuh. Better than I thought.

– They have 187 dollars. The two teams agree to let David navigate. That’s right. Three women do nothing as David navigates and drives. And you wonder why it’s a travesty that all-female teams don’t win?

– Mary thought she wouldn’t like how Mirna plays this game, but has come to love them.

– Mirna gets stuck in the mud. Just don’t pull a Brandon.

brandon mud

Why’d I take my shoes off in the mud?!

– But this is an ironic situation. In round three of TAR 5, Brandon & Nicole got stuck, and Charla & Mirna waited with them to be pulled out because they were allies. Two seconds later Charla & Mirna drive the wrong way but Brandon & Nicole take off. Here, Charla & Mirna are stuck and Kentucky helps get ’em out.

– David tows em out. Mirna declares she owes them and says they are very sweet people.

MIRNA: They are the most trustworthy and sweetest of the teams here. I guess you could call it a bit of an alliance.

– Kevin & Drew are way behind. It’s 944am. Drew stumbles five steps in the round. Once in the car Drew screams because Kevin barely taps him on the shoulder. Drew drives like a madman as they get really deep into the mud. Three major Drew mistakes all in a time of eight seconds this leg. Skupin’s jaw dropped.

– Oddly enough, Kevin is frustrated by Drew’s over-the-top behaviour and inability to do anything without incurring severe pain.

KEVIN: What’s the alternative? Not do this?

Zach felt the same way in TAR 3.

– How was Drew’s driving?

kevin face

Sheer terror from Kevin as Drew closes his eyes while driving.

drew mud

That wheel is really wedged in there. Replacement vehicle on the way?

– There’s no other cars around so Drew assigns Kevin the task of attaching the belt to something that is stable, heavy, and can’t move.

kevin tow

Ding! All criteria met. But I feel like there is something that could go seriously wrong with this plan. . .

DREW: I gotta be able to see you!
KEVIN: I’m the big black thing right in the middle.
DREW (full throttle): I got it! I got it!

kevin tow 2

Yes! It’s out. Except for one thing.

kevin tow 3

Kevin is forced to play Super Hang On as Drew is so excited that he forgets to push on the brakes. Is it better to be ran over by somebody you know than a stranger on TAR?

kevin tow 4

Drew may be dong this on purpose so we can run the race with Nagini as a replacement.

KEVIN: You’re pulling me with you!
DREW: Oh. Sorry.

He forgot about it? Really?

– Romber show up to LAN counter. Flies Guyaquil-Lima-Santiago. 150am arrival. Same for Cha Cha Cha.

– Rob asks the agent to not tell the other teams about the flight.

– Eric & Danielle go to Taca Airlines. It gets in forty minutes later at 230am. Teri & Ian too. Ian wonders where the top two teams are. Romber takes the first flight out.

– Rob is happy to race on his own. It’s not about the other teams, but rather it’s about the course.

– Guidos are on 230am flight. Both hope for a shower. Chipmunks buy same tickets elsewhere. Uchenna & Joyce too.

– Cha Cha Cha board the next Guyaquil flight. They will connect with Romber there.

– Charla & Mirna and Kevin & Drew discuss the flight. They buy tickets. So does Kentucky. Ian grunts when he sees Mirna at the airport.

– Mirna asks the agent to look for a Rob Mariano in the passenger list. Amber probably wouldn’t be put into the system. They’re nowhere to be found. Mary projects they are already there.

– Romber are in Guayaquil.

– Romber recaps their flight. Mirna assumes he is better on a flight. Rob hopes everyone else is paranoid. Although those are the only two talking. Cha Cha Cha joins Romber.

– Romber and Cha Cha Cha’s flight is delayed. Uh oh. That’s what happens when you deviate from the pact. Luckily a 150am arrival virtually guarantees there will be an equalizer. I think so, anyway.

– David learned from last season that putting his backpacks in First Class makes for a much faster exit at the end of the flight.

drew plane

Drew points out David & Mary aren’t in First Class. Uhhhh, why does this matter?

drew plane 2

Is he pulling their bags down?

drew plane 3

Oh my god he is. This is unprecedented. A team pulls another team’s bags down? Wouldn’t that be against race rules? Handling and sabotaging another team’s possessions? Drew has lost his mind.

– Drew admits he pulled down their bags. David is pissed as the other teams laugh. Why the heck is Drew picking a fight with David? No team did that in TAR 10. David would sell his soul before getting ugly with another team. You shove the 78th best racer and take down his bags? I think Hantz’s social game would be better on TAR.

– Romber asks about the Taca flight. The gameplan is for everyone to connect on the same Lima flight to Santiago.

– The eight teams board the Lima flight. Bill recaps the state of affairs.

– Romber and Cha Cha Cha are at the gate begging to be on the flight. He is turned down. Only Uchenna can pull a flight reversal. Rob is not happy. A showdown between Cha Cha Cha and Romber

ADVANTAGE IN SANTIAGO

BIGGEST: Uchenna & Joyce; Rob & Amber (Played a round there in TAR 7)
BIG: Charla & Mirna (Spent two rounds in Argentina)
SMALL: Oswald & Danny; Eric & Danielle (Portuguese speaking Brazil nearby)
SMALLEST: Teri & Ian (Spent two rounds in fellow Spanish-speaking Mexico)
NONE: Guidos; Kevin & Drew; Dustin & Kandice; Kentucky

– Eric & Danielle jump in the first cab followed by Uchenna & Joyce, Teri & Ian. Joyce grabs the first clue. It’s our first roadblock of the season.

– Teams must go to the building’s ground floors and head into the boardroom.

trump boardroom

For once, he has to wait for us.

Luckily Burnett owns Trump so this is not a cheesy Apprentice-TAR crossover. Here there will be eight men sitting at a board room. Paintings are on the wall. Pens, cups, and pads of paper are littered on the table. Teams must search the room for letters of the alphabet on display.

boardroom

Brought to you by the letter ‘A’.

– So there’s ten letters on objects and pocket watches. When unscrambled, it will reveal the name of one of the ten destinations on the wall.

boardroom painting

That is a fine painting of a copper mine you have there, Mrs. Johnson.

– Teams are told only to search for letters. They must clue in that they must unscramble it to form the word. I wish they wouldn’t have told them to look for letters in the first place. Should have been done on their own.

boardroom clue

Never mind. Phil decided to be a dirty stinkin liar again.

– Eric wrote down letters.

JOYCE: I am very detailed.

– Dustin is doing the roadblock. And Joe. And Kevin.

– Wouldn’t this be an ideal task to do at four o’ clock in the morning?

– Joyce and Eric both screw up on their first guess. Dustin stands in front of the copper mine picture and puts it together. It’s correct.

– Teams must now fly 230 miles to the city of Calama and find the Chuquicamata. The largest open pit copper mine in the world. One task then another flight at four in the morning? Either these are common domestic flights or we have another mass equalizer on our hands.

– Eric wonders if it’s ‘Chuquicamata’. But dismisses it because he did not find the ‘H’ on a pen. Camera does the pleasure of zooming on the pen.

– Romber and Cha Cha Cha land in Santiago. Joe notices the picture on the wall. Joyce is wrong again, but Joe is correct and jumps up in glee.

joe fanny pack

Until the fanny pack hits him square in the face.

– Ian is doing the task because Teri crowns him to be the officer. You’ll have to do roadblocks at some point, Teri.

– Mary and Charla are doing the roadblock.

– Mary immediately writes down the names of all the paintings. She is the first to do this roadblock in reverse.

– Romber show up. Everyone else comments on their delay. Amber is doing it. Oswald volunteers to do the task. Seven people are on the scene while three teams are off and away to the airport.

– Mary calls Charla over to peer over the table. I wonder if I can get a suit tailored with a letter ‘R’ on the tie or a ‘C’ at the end of my vest.

– Mary tells Charla which one has a ‘Q’ in it. I hear Joyce can pay attention to detail.

mary answer

Except for the ones where Mary is announcing the answer over your shoulder.

– Mary says the answer out loud with Kevin directly behind her. David announces that Kevin eavesdropped. However Kevin gives a wrong answer anyway. How the heck can he not hear? Is he deaf? The back of Mary’s hair was touching him.

– Mary calms David down and says Charla & Mirna will be right behind them and restore all equilibrium in the universe.

– Charla asks Kevin in the boardroom if Mary answered it correctly. Kevin confirms that she did and walks elsewhere. Charla bolts out of the room. See? Kevin just wants to make nice. He ain’t ripping your bags down from a plane. Drew is the evil one.

– Charla has the clue. So does Kevin. Joyce is wrong again. Uchenna is frustrated.

– Ambuh finds a ‘H’ on the pen and tells Oswald. Is this the Rich Alliance? Eric overhears them discussing the ‘H’ as he sounds lost asking them where they found it. They ignore him as they have their own conversation. Eric blindly wanders.

– Romber and Cha Cha Cha have the clues and drive away. Eric sees the painting they discussed and claims he has no idea as he goes to offer his answer to the guard. It’s correct.

I wonder if this is the most exciting role the guard has ever had at Headquarters?

– Eric lowers his head in shame and leads Danielle away. Uchenna stomps his foot.

– Joyce and Ian wander inside. Teri and Uchenna bite their lips on the sidelines.

– The other teams slowly arrive at the airport.

– Joyce sees ‘Chuquicamata’ and tells Ian to follow her. If it’s right, she’ll tell him how to spell it. It’s correct and Joyce announces the spelling.

That’s why Ian is a RETIRED police officer. Only one who is in their prime when retired is Jack Bauer.

– Joyce rambles on about how she usually does good with attention to detail. Uchenna attempts to mock her. How do I know?

uchenna sarcasm

When he makes a face like this.

uchenna sarcasm 2

And ones like that.

– Everyone is on the same unspecified flight. Uchenna is the grumpiest I have ever seen him. I bet Ian would have been there all night if it wasn’t for Joyce. Maybe he needs a new lucky hat.

– A new ticket agent opens up. Eric & Danielle are last in one line and head to being the front of the new one. Rob recaps the situation and is pissed.

– Rob speaks loudly about what Eric is doing because he wants to stir the pot up. To accomplish what exactly? I have yet to figure out.

– For the first time ever, Amber openly disagrees with Rob cussing him out. Rob is defending it playfully. Clearly Rob is not doing this to be nasty or appears angry at all. He’s just bored.

– When Romber is at the front of the line Rob tells her that it was the only thing he didn’t like about the situation. Amber doesn’t mind Rob stirring up trouble, but that situation went to such an extreme that Amber woke up and was aware of it enough to think it was ridiculous.

– After Romber pretend to have a boring fight without substance, we had to Calama, Chile. The map is so funny. Chile is like if Kate Moss turned into a country.

chile map

In Chile, they are so poor they can’t afford a X-axis.

– A bunch of teams scream for a taxi in broad daylight. Who is first into a taxi?

kevin drew first

Huh.

– Guidos are second? TAR 1 has the lead. Until Chipmunks pass them two seconds later. Then Kevin & Drew.

chipmunks tongue

Ms. California, ladies and gentlemen.

– Mirna uses her trademarked Spanish to pass Guidos. Romber passes Guidos and Charla & Mirna. The cabs pull off to the mine. Everyone is instructed to put on the extensive safety gear. It reminds me of the sewers task in France from TAR 1.

Yeah, an obscure reference, I know.

– Rob opens up the clue first. Even before he has put on all provided safety gear. Such impatience in that man.

– It’s a detour. Teams will choose between two tasks that are crucial to the copper mining industry. By Hand or By Machine.

– In By Hand, teams must choose a two ton tire and properly put on the washers and bolts on each screw to finish securing the tire to the truck. Once finished, they will receive their next clue.

After they leave, the employees will no doubt be redoing the tire. Allowing American reality TV contestants to be responsible for a death because of an improper tire will undoubtedly sue the pants off of Chuquicamata.

And doesn’t Chuquicamata sound like the sexiest name for a copper mine ever?

WOMAN: Where you off to?
MAN: Ah, mi angel. I have a shift at Chuqicamata, por favor.
WOMAN: Oh senor, you had me at mori rapideaux.

That’s all the Spanish I know.

– In By Machine, one team member will take control of an abnormally large tractor. They must cover a yellow line on a stick with gravel. The other team member guides where to dump the gravel. But seeing how there is a tall yellow stick, it’d be tough for the driver to not see it unless it was Fran & Barry.

Driving a tractor? To move gravel? Like in construction? I say we hear about Rob’s construction work past in under a minute.

It’s 24:00. If the clock hits 25:00, you win.

– Rob immediately goes for By Machine. So far so good.

– Chipmunks are not happy with this detour.

chipmunks frightened

I hear Chipmunks scurry away because they don’t like construction in their natural habitat. You want a million bucks or what?

– DUSTIN: Nuts doesn’t sound that hard. You just screw em in.

chipmunks screw

And she even motioned screwing nuts by closing her fist. Kandice never anticipated a sex education lesson in the midst of a family show. Neither did we.

– 24:05. Still plenty of time.

– 24:07

ROB: I have a lot of experience driving back hos.

Go on?

– 24:10

ROB: I was in construction for ten years.

I WIN!

– Kevin & Drew do By Hand because Kevin can’t drive a stick shift. My god they are unprepared. A bunch of other teams choose tasks but it’s so rushed I can’t keep track. I know David & Mary chose By Hand.

– Rob thinks it is cool that Amber is driving a back ho. They each take a turn.

YES! It’s All-Stars baby. If you want the easy Detour, BOTH players need to know how to drive a stick shift. Awesome. I wish they would force both players to drive a stick shift more often throughout the seasons.

– Cha Cha Cha is doing it. Dustin yells at Kandice that she isn’t doing it right, but Kandice insists it won’t be complicated.

It won’t be complicated on All-Stars? How was that boardroom meeting?

– Mary throws on the washers recklessly. David tries to correct her but Mary doesn’t understand that certain types go with certain screws. She scoffs it off and continues doing it her way.

– Charla & Mirna proceed to scream each other because Charla needs a step stool to reach the higher bolts. Mirna says there isn’t enough time but Charla screams as she grabs one.

charla stool

Those step stools are unlicensed, and Codelco cannot be held responsible if improperly used.

– Drew complains that it is going to be torture. Shut up and do the task, Drew.

– Chipmunks comment on Charla & Mirna’s screaming match. They think they are too dramatic, and makes them abrasive.

Uh, did you see TAR 5?

– Mirna insists she can do the task.

– Rob is in the tractor.

– JOE: I’ll drive.
BILL: We both gotta do it. Read your clue.
JOE (gets inside): Don’t worry about it.

Aren’t you guys the kings of making few but critical mistakes, Deana?

– Romber is done. Teams must drive 71 miles to the Valley of the Moon. Sharp turns and shifting sands require teams to drive no more than forty KILOMETRES per hour. I must emphasize kilometres because I know miles is about twice as fast. That is one slow car ride. Once they exit the Valley of the Moon, they can resume driving 50 kilometres per hour. Still slow for a road. From there, they can drive to the pit stop. The Valley of the Dead.

So let me get this straight. They fly to Santiago. Do a roadblock where teams are spread out by an hour. Equalizer occurs where everyone heads to do the roadblock, and then a pit stop on a one lane road? I guess production wanted a tight finish.

Or to ensure Romber would win a round because Rob’s advanced construction past is no secret. No wonder they’re in first as opposed to tenth only a few hours earlier.

valley of the dead

I can see why it’s not Valley of the Alive. There is not a single human, mammal, reptile, amphibian, insect, arachnid, larvae, or paramecium that could survive here. Citizens of Chile are stumped that Americans would want to film in that no man’s land. We don’t see a single soul when seeing the pit stop. My guess is there won’t be a greeter. I bet this would be the perfect hiding place for Drew to hide a horcrux.

– Joe is doing all of the tractor driving.

– David’s wrench is squeaking.
MARY: Careful. I don’t like that sound.

david wrench 1

david wrench 2

*clunk*
Men.

andre listen

He just wouldn’t listen.

david wrench 3

Look how quickly and how far he flew from the tire! This is so going to be in an episode of Tosh.0

– Am I the only one who is concerned that David hasn’t related coal mines to copper mines yet? Why the heck is CBS missing up this golden opportunity? I suppose Rob’s construction took precedence.

– Dustin thinks her wrench is weird.

– Drew is crying about his back killing me as his throat is dry. What the heck? He went from fatigue to anger to crying? Yep, I sense a Depends advertisement at the commercial break.

drew cry

He’s even going to take time to cry into his sleeve on the race course?

aras whambulance

Somebody call a whambulance! Drew is crying on the course!

– Cha Cha Cha and Uchenna call for the foreman at the By Hand task. Only Cha Cha Cha is approved. Right behind Romber.

– Danny thinks his manicurist would be angry with him if he saw him doing the By Hand task.

– Uchenna & Joyce have their clue. Eric & Danielle do By Hand for all two seconds of seeing them and are done.

– Uchenna & Joyce agree to follow Eric & Danielle.

– Joe is done but still in the truck. They know no clue is given (I’m guessing they were told). Bill is told by voice of God to read additional info. He screams at Joe.

BILL: I TOLD YOU TO READ THE ADDITIONAL INFO!
JOE: I didn’t hear you.

Pretty sure you did seeing how you told Joe to not look at the additional info to see if he needed to scoop.

– Kevin is doing it and asks Drew to see if any are out of line.

DREW: I can’t right now. I’m taking my medicine.

I love that sense of urgency.

– David & Mary request the foreman. I wonder how much you can charm a foreman to approve the borderline bolts. Sure enough virtually every bolt that Mary did is not approved.

MARY: All of them?
FOREMAN: Not all of them.
*proceeds to point out every bolt*
MARY: Yeah, that’s all of them.

– Guidos are done. The tractor task was very fast.

– Teri & Ian did it By Hand and foreman approves. They run off.

– Drew stands and does nothing as he yells at Kevin that Teri & Ian are done. Kevin is calm and says it doesn’t matter.

– Chipmunks, Mary, and Charla struggle.

mary constipation

And Mary picks this moment to battle her constipation.

– Mirna tells Charla to go faster.

charla fall

CHARLA: I can’t hang on!

charla fall 2

Only Charla can suffer a significant vertical fall. . .from a tire.

charla fall 3

And that is the last we ever see of Charla.

phil hand in sand

I understand the inspiration for Uruguay’s Hand in the Sand monument. It really is the last thing you see of somebody.

felix freefall

Charla falling from the tire.

Yeah, I’m going to Hell for this joke.

– Kevin & Drew are approved. They are in seventh. Kevin is running but Drew moans as he slowly walks. You’re not allowed to die until we reach the Valley of the Dead.

– Teri & Ian hop into a cab and tell the driver to take them to the front gate. No cars in sight. At least they weren’t trying to pull a Heather & Eve. They were intending to save time at an enormous copper mine.

– Kevin insists for Drew to start driving.

– Charla & Mirna are done and pay a driver to lead them the way. Dustin & Kandice’s By Hand are approved. This leaves David & Mary last at the Detour. Finally living up to their potential.

– Teri & Ian go back and see the car. Ian is not happy and says this has not been their best round for listening and looking. So much for what he wanted at the start of the round.

– Chipmunks are ahead of Teri & Ian. You know why David & Mary could be last?

mary despair

david despair

This is why you’re 78th.

– Amber reads the clue out loud. Danny jokes he was a man in a previous life because of his work on the Detour.

– David & Mary are done and on their way.

– Mirna tells us that the Chipmunks are following her. Meanwhile Mirna is paying all of the money she has to follow a cab. Well, it is a one lane road.

– Chipmunks discuss in their car to follow Mirna because she is following a cab. Eh, I’d do the same thing. There may be no such thing as a Free Lunch, but there is a thing as a Free Eighth Place Finish.

– Mirna is about to put a stop to this. The taxi driver pulls over. So Charla & Mirna pull over. And so do Dustin & Kandice. Woops. Your plan is officially exposed. Good luck getting out of this one.

DUSTIN: We can get there together.
MIRNA: Are you gonna split the fee since you’re following us?
DUSTIN: If we can get directions. Let’s see–
MIRNA: Hold on, hold on. You guys either go and we’re just gonna sit here and hang out for a while, or you can split the fee with us.
DUSTIN (talking to driver): So, uh the Valley
*KANDICE says something to driver too*
DRIVER (quietly): Uh–
CHARLA: Split the fee! What would you like to do? Decide!

chipmunks charla

I love how Dustin & Kandice are doing their best to ignore them. It may be a series first–ignoring Charla & Mirna yelling at you.

DUSTIN: Chill out a second. How much money are we talking?
MIRNA: One hundred dollars.
KANDICE: Okay. Let’s draw a map.
MIRNA: NO!
DUSTIN: We can’t afford half of that.
MIRNA: He’s not gonna draw a map for you. I’m really sorry.

Is that before or after charm is employed, Mirna?

– Chipmunks come to their senses and decide to drive and ask someone else. That’s right. You will never win an argument with a lawyer. You resigned. You quit. Mirna is the victor.


*Chipmunks drive by*
MIRNA: FREELOADERS!

Mirna can’t seem to make friends.

– Charla exclaims another team is coming. Mirna tells ‘amigo’ that there is no time and rushes back to the car. Teri & Ian honk incessantly as Ian is ecstatic to pass ‘Mirna & Schmirna’.

– Mirna goes into complete hysterics and says for the driver to take all of her money. She shoves it into his hands. I love how the driver didn’t even ask for the money outright. Mirna aggressively gives him money to worsen her position. Wow. She has really flown off the handle since the Chipmunks followed her.

– You would think he was trying to rape them but all he’s doing is trying to give the money back.

CHARLA & MIRNA: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

This is why locals don’t travel much to Valley of the Dead. Geez. Could anyone survive a trip with Charla & Mirna there?

– MIRNA (exaggerated Spanish tone): Twenty dollars to eat food. (kisses money) I don’t eat tomorrow. Muchos gracias, amigo. (does cross) God help you.

What. The. F—.

– David & Mary pass Charla & Mirna on the road. Mirna’s dramatics suddenly has put herself into dead last.

MIRNA: All because of the girls.

Or you don’t put on a ten minute high school theatre act and just get back in the damn car when teams start passing.

CHARLA: Beauty is skin deep, and easy to make yourself beautiful with plastic surgery. But to have pure morals and a pure heart is not easy to make up.

Wait. Are you trying to reference the Chipmunks? Because I don’t see the whole ‘beauty’ and ‘Chipmunks’ really going together that well. Dustin is as flat as a pancake.

All of this over Dustin & Kandice calmly rejecting to split a taxi. My word. See what I mean by Charla & Mirna being able to make the most mundane aspects of the race into major moments of the episode?

– Romber enter the Valley of the Moon. So do Oswald & Danny. Danny comments on the beauty. Oswald cries and feels like he is happy to be alive.

OSWALD: Oh my god, I feel like such a b—-.

Eh, have you met Drew or Mirna lately? Oh right. You’ve been too far ahead.

– Eric asks the man at the gate to the Moon for directions. Uchenna is behind and runs up to hear it. Him and Eric have a powwow free of charge. Now that’s how you work together. And they rush to start moving as Guidos pull up behind. Mirna needs to be taking down notes.

– All three teams discuss 40 kilometre speed limit. Romber and a crying Oswald talk about in their respective cars. They are confused about a sign that takes them back to Calama.

– Thirty second suspense to see who is first.

valley of the dead greeter

It’s Apollo Anton Ohno! He came out here? Is this really Valley of the Stars?

– Romber are first. Phil emphasizes ‘again’. They have ach won an off-road motorcycle.

amber mouth

AMBER: Oh my god. Off-roading is sooooo good.

I take it Amber is into off-roading.

romber dance

And they are in such good spirits that a dance is in order.

– Kevin & Drew stop at the gate and receive a map. Chipmunks behind them. Then Teri & Ian. Then David & Mary. Then Charla & Mirna. Mirna honks and screams for the traffic to move. Kevin & Drew continue to hold up the line.

– In the meantime, Cha Cha Cha finishes second.

valley of the dead lineup

Kevin & Drew decide to hold up the bottom four teams. I anticipate aggressive and destructive off road racing combined with a ridiculous sprint to the mat the likes of which we have never seen.

– Kevin receives some important instructions. You listening? Write this down. You’re holding up the line, after all.

kevin drew 40

Okay. Kevin nods. He understands Espanol, I imagine. He’s got the first part.

kevin drew 50

Eh, second half isn’t all that important. Merci, amigo.

– Chipmunks go ahead. Drew eyes the cars passing them. Kevin once again plays role of grandchild and tells his ailing grandpa to move ahead. We can’t sit and commentate as teams pass us while we sit still, ya know.

– Teri & Ian and David & Mary recap the 40 kilometre speed limit. Eric stops to get into 4-wheel drive. During this time Uchenna & Joyce pass them and turn right.

– Eric & Danielle come up behind and turn left.

ERIC (driving): Go left.
DANIELLE (navigating): You sure?
ERIC: Yep.

Wait. This doesn’t add up.

– Guidos went left too. Joyce sees two teams go left. Uchenna agrees and turns around. Eric gets his car started which lets Joe & Bill pass them. Guidos barely maintain the lead in the footrace. Joe swoops in for the hug.

JOE: The girls get to do it.

No need for defense. Just get the hug in. It’s why Phil earns the big bucks. Fifty-six days of the year.

– Uchenna & Joyce pull up as the two teams were running, by the way.

– Guidos finish third; Eric & Danielle are fourth again. Uchenna & Joyce are fifth.

– Chipmunks turn to the right as they announce exiting Valley of the Moon. Kandice wants to stop and ask.

– Kevin & Drew stay on the same road, and Kevin says he must stay forty kilometres no matter what. As they also miss a reminder in the form of a fifty kilometre visual.

speed limit

If only it was more clear.

– Kevin commands Drew to not let Teri & Ian pass them. Ian comments that Drew must be working under the premise that it is still forty. Good work, detective.

– David & Mary pass Kevin & Drew because David saw the sign. Charla & Mirna pass Kevin & Drew with pleasure.

– Charla & Mirna proceed to pass David & Mary as well.

MARY: When I saw what I believe was my friends trying to pass me, no the game was on. I’m not giving this game to nobody.

How many different ways will Mary say ‘Because they did X action, the race is on now’ before the end of the season? She’s racked up quite a few of them in her career.

– Mary spits at David for him to pass Charla & Mirna. Teri & Ian let David & Mary, and Charla & Mirna pass them.

– David & Mary come up to the junction that Uchenna & Joyce and Dustin & Kandice screwed up on. They guessed wrong because of their inability to read a map. Mary does it for other reasons.

DAVID: Tell me. Right or left?
MARY: I would think right. Because it’s got the most words.

I have to pause the episode for a minute and wax my ears.
.
.
.
.
.
Okay. Let me replay that.
.
.
Nope. Still the same.

– CHARLA: We’re following David & Mary.

Beauty is only skin deep, and can be maintained by plastic surgery. However, a pure heart and pure morals is not easy to make up.

– Teri & Ian go right. Teri thinks he should’ve gone left. No explanation given. Kevin & Drew come up on the same sign.

KEVIN: Make a right. Everyone else did.

Also sound reasoning when you are in dead last. If you go straight you’re suddenly in sixth rather than guaranteed last.

– Chipmunks find Park Ranger and receive directions. They turn around as three incoming cars come in. Kevin & Drew must be about 20% behind. 😉

– Dustin loses confidence after the three cars blindly follow because it had the most words. They get out to ask the Park Ranger again. Teri & Ian see Chipmunks asking for directions. Teri puts her foot down and commands Ian to turn around.

Wow. I haven’t noticed it until now, but I don’t think Teri & Ian have argued with each other once this race. In TAR 3 there was a screaming match of “I’m the pilot and you’re the co-pilot” every two seconds.

– Kevin & Drew sees Chipmunks exiting. Dustin is concerned but sticks to driving. Kevin & Drew see Teri & Ian coming out as well. Kevin insists they are fine.

– Chipmunks see entrance and finish sixth. They’re okay with sixth. Teri & Ian are seventh. Ian says it was a rough leg. Now let’s catch up with the three trailing teams.

– Charla & Mirna, David & Mary, and Kevin & Drew are far into town. Drew decides to turn around. Whoa. Drew is making the smart choices. Mirna hires a cab to follow for free. Luckily nobody is behind her. Lucky for her sanity, anyway.

– Drew asks Kevin for water. Kevin says there is none. Drew takes his eys off the road and to argue about whether there’s water in the car. C’mon Drew. The episode is two minutes from ending. Nothing bad can happen when taking your eyes off the road, eh?

drew road

Drew successfully cuts off Charla & Mirna right before her taxi driver. That’s right. Wedged between the car and the taxi. I can’t wait to see how Mirna reacts.

– Sure enough, Mirna screams from her car. The camera reels upwards in shock. Wheels screech.

MIRNA: Wait a second. He just caught us off. I HAVE TO FOLLOW! GO! GO! What’s your problem? Drive like a girl?

porter girl

You play The Amazing Race like a GIRL!

KEVIN: Just go your forty kilometres.

mirna road

Mirna takes out her frustration by shrugging her hands off the wheel in despair and closing her eyes. No eyes. . .no hands. . .no self-control. . .you’re doing the same thing Drew just did, actually.

MIRNA: What are they doing? Do they know where the hell they are going? The taxi guy left.
CHARLA: Pass them. They’re going under forty.
MIRNA: At least if you knew where you were going you could do your little maneuver.

– Kevin tells Drew to stay back and follow because maybe the other teams know something they don’t. Like anything. David & Mary pass freely.

DREW: YOU’RE SPEEDING!!!

TRY READING!!!!

– The three teams follow each other to the pit stop. All discuss their faults and how bad they want it.

DREW: I won’t run. My legs ache in pain.
KEVIN: Just try. C’mon Drew, you don’t want to go.

Except Drew.

– Charla & Mirna finish eighth. David & Mary come in ninth. Mary groans quietly. Phil asks what’s wrong. She says she is dissatisfied.

PHIL: Why are you dissatisfied?
MARY: Charla and Mirna. They just passed us.

MARY (confessional): For two races all I have done is help people. Charla & Mirna. They were my friends. After today? No. This is the last time I’m going to help anybody.

Excuse me while I cry Wolf.

– Kevin & Drew walk. Kevin walks at a normal pace. Drew walks like Tim Conway to the mat.

KEVIN: C’mon Drew, we’re wasting time.

– Two hours later and Drew is on the mat.

phil chile

Phil tells them they are last and prepares to Philiminate them.

drew last

DREW: Okay. It’s alright.

He has been hit very hard by this news. Kevin contemplates if this is Bizarro All Stars.

drew last 2

And exits stage left. If he’s not on the mat, you can’t Philiminate him. Consider yourself outwitted, Phil.

KEVIN: Where are you going?
PHIL: Can you stay right here please?
KEVIN: C’mon. Be a good sport.
DREW: I am being a good sport.
KEVIN: No you’re not.

phil chile 2

PHIL: I am “sorry” to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race.

drew last 3

Okay. I’m gonna go walk across the street and get a Frank before we Mat Chat.

phil chile 3

Needless to say Phil struggles to work off script.

PHIL: Drew–
DREW: Let me put my hat on.

You would think Phil was paparazzi as Drew finds a lame excuse to escape.

PHIL: He doesn’t seem that happy.

I think he’s happy he has been eliminated.

KEVIN: No. These have been two excruciating legs and he’s doing all the driving and he has all the pressure on his neck, on his shoulder, on his back, on his PMS. Yeah.
DREW: I can’t breathe. My back hurts. That’s it. My voice is going.

DREW: I didn’t quit. I tried my hardest. That’s all I can ask.

Even his personal requests aim low.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I was told by a reader named Ben that Kevin & Drew protested their elimination. You know, because they don’t know Spanish and can’t read signs. They thought all of the teams around them were speeding. If a team speeds on the race, it’s usually a penalty for the time gained. However in newer seasons this rule from TAR 2 may have been amended to thirty minutes. Anyways, production and the teams stood out in the heat for SIX HOURS (half of the pit stop) so producers could look through every second of footage to see if a team even remotely exceeded the speed limit. No such evidence was found, so everyone drew out their wands and cast the following spell:

Next time on TAR: Charla & Mirna waste no time picking another fight to forge new enemies. And Danielle shrieks continuously. Yep. That’s what we can look forward to.

Confessionals

Kevin.Drew 2.3
Rob.Amber 8.2
Uchenna.Joyce 2.3
Dustin.Kandice 2.2
Joe.Bill 2.1
Charla.Mirna 2.3
David.Mary 1.2
Teri.Ian 1.4
Oswald.Danny 4.1
Eric.Danielle 2.0

Team averages

Bulls— Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
— F +–
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF
–D+–
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
7th Dave & Lori 5.83
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th Fran & Barry 4.89
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
4th Monica & Joseph 3.50
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17
–A minus–
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17
3rd Weaver Family 3.15
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
–BEST OF THE BEST–
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF

Rank the Legs

1) Miami -> Quito (The season premiere of any all-star edition of any competitive reality TV show is always a top ten episode of any franchise. Why? Because of the unlikely interactions. You can’t help but feel giddy as Ian groans at Charla & Mirna, as David and Drew physically fight over a car, teams going from goons to gods, and gods to goons. Who can finish at the top of the all-star pact or falter to the bottom? How do they match up against our expectations? So many great storytellers for the first round make minor events seem like the funniest things in the world.

Then there’s the jokes editors throw in. Gutsy Grannies reference thrown in for good measure. Themes in how teams continue to treat each other. You should watch a different show if you didn’t enjoy the premiere.

The only way I can penalize this episode is that the difficulty of these tasks were lousy. Cotopaxi seemed to be tricky for teams but it did not translate well on TV. Producers could have been more harsh, but with so many teams to catch up on in a one hour episode, I believe a one episode grace period is in order.

And Poor Drew. He probably gives enough hope to people like James & Abba to try their luck at a Craps table.)

2) Quito -> Calama (Both tasks were great. However, that flight to the final task is what ruined the episode. Add in a one-lane road to the pit stop with only one exit, and suddenly you have the bottom four teams having no choice but to travel as a pact to the pit stop. Luckily they screwed up on the same turn, but the fact production opened the door for complete chaos is not something I approve.

Drew’s 2-episode glamourous return was well worth it. We were graced with the opportunity to witness the least enthusiastic racer in TAR history. Charla & Mirna broke the record for blowing a situation out of proportion.  Mary giving directions based on the number of words was a series first.

Drew eliminating Phil from the pit stop was great. He just shuns them. There is no rule that you had to stand there as the sad music plays and Phil requests a life transformation from you.

Eric sounding like a lost kid as he followed Oswald and Amber and repeated ‘what is it’ over and over is an underrated moment. Or Charla falling.

Overall, the cast and tasks delivered. It’s just that one flight that knocks it down. Split charter flights would have been a better alternative if production was stuck in a crappy situation.)

Rank the Teams

1) John Vito & Jill

Bad directions from locals and perhaps bad luck from an overnight sleep at a restaurant sent them out the door.

It was nice to see them return and disappoint my sister yet again. However in a field of such crazy teams, they are probably ecstatic to avoid the chaos that will no doubt ensue any moment.

Go Team Friends With Benefits!

2) Kevin & Drew

I have to put these two last. Drew, particularly. Yes, seeing the least enthusiastic player ever attempt to go against all TAR convention was a treat to see. It was like Drew was parodying the show. But if this were to continue? It would have been annoying in episodes three and onwards.

Plus you can’t help but feel a team like Ken & Gerard would have appreciated that spot ten times more than Drew. I wish Drew was more grateful for it.

I can’t believe he made production stop for six hours to watch footage that

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