TUF 9 episodes 4-6 ranking

*Please note my TAR blogs are ten times better and with screen caps

Fourth episode

Previously on TUF: In the final two elimination fights, Frank Lester beat Kiel Reid. And Jason Dent disposed of Rob Browning. Rounding out Team USA’s roster with only nine episodes to go to the finale. Then Dan Henderson won the right to pick the first US vs. UK fight sparking some heated smack talk. Up next the road of the contract begins (isn’t this fourth episode? I’d say ‘continues’ is a better fit). Who will survive and become the next Ultimate Fighter?

– Intro time. Jason and Frank are finally added to the intro. They should’ve really been added last episode because they were technically living in the House, but whatever.

– Shots of Vegas. Team Bisping is running with Bisping leading the run. He’s got headphones in. They are suddenly on the mat. Bisping couldn’t ask for a better team. Oh please. Such a cliche. None of them are injured, he claims. Which naturally means someone has to get injured.

– Bisping says some of the fighters are already well-known in the UK. He introduces us to his assistant coaches. He finds it strange that his real coaches now work for him rather the other way around. Neither of these coaches will top Big Nog’s striking coach, I can assure you of that.

– Mario Sukuta for submission. Dave Jackson for Thai Boxing. Both experienced. Everyone is happy and wants to beat the Americans badly. Suddenly Henderson enters the gym. Bisping doesn’t care what the US team is doing. They stand by side. Bisping doesn’t think Henderson will train his guys harder than Bisping is.

– Bisping taunts the American fighters as they enter the gym. He coaches his players on how to properly taunt the opponents over the next few weeks. Damarques is once again pissed off. What happened to being all smiles? Is he going to be the Ed Herman of this season?

– Henderson finds the taunting as motivation and lets it fly. He is excited to finally have the guys and who he can focus on. Unlike the UK team who has known who the crew would be for weeks.

– He has brought in Gustavo Pugliese for boxing and footwork. No idea who he is. For jiu jitsu it is Ricardo Feliciano. Cyrille Diabate for Muay Thai. This guy sounds familiar. And Heath Sims for Wrestling. Hopefully no relation to Marlon Sims. For his sake.

– UK guys have had two weeks break while the US guys have only had three or four days. He tells his team that the British fighters needed a handicap. Christy Smith is nowhere to be found. Henderson asks his guys who can make weight for the fight. Most of them are ready. A lot of inaudible volunteering. Then they cheer.

– Moon comes out. Sunrise. Van. Fight Announcement. No Dana. Five seconds. Now we’ve got some suspense. Henderson does the worst recap ever. He chooses Mark Miller (the first American fighter) to go against Nick Oscipzak. Both are happy with the choice. Nick loves his reach choice.

– Dan picked Mark because he looked to be in good shape. I don’t think the styles match up. Demarques is eyeing up Bisping. As Bisping proclaims they will make their own luck.

– Odd car cam as Bisping gets into the gym. He mentions for the second episode that he had VISA problems and missed Team USA’s fights. However he was given video tape and will likely have much more angles to see how it all played out compared to being there in person. Bisping looks at Miller’s photograph and thinks he looks like a psycho.

– A videotape counter appears on screen. We know that was digitally edited to make it look like we are watching the tape with Bisping. Huh. Fight occurred at 146pm in the afternoon. We need subtitles as the British accent is heavy. Bisping even makes fun of Mazzagatti’s voice.

– This is a brand new feature to see a coach watch footage of a fight for several minutes. Diagnosis is that Mark Miller is one-dimensional. He wanted to be a southpaw to help the others train. However Nick is a southpaw too so they have to decide who will be southpaw and who won’t be. Nick decides to switch so Mark is tricked during the fight.

– Bisping thinks Nick needs to work on his footwork. Plenty of instruction.  It’s a montage of Bisping training with Nick. Did absolutely nothing occur at the House? Geez.

– Speak of the devil, it’s house time. Demarques sees that Team UK left a T-shirt behind. So Demarques resigns on his ‘pranks are off limits’ deal from last episode and gets right to work. He writes ‘Team USA-1 Team UK-0’ on their shirt. Okay. At least it’s not like he is oozing semen into their breakfast or urinating in his own fruit tray.

– A ransom note comes into play. Santino suggest to write the following:

There is a UK shirt,
Was Found in a Common Area
The Tee Shirt Will
Not be Harmed

RULES. . .

1. No Laundry Room Antics
2. No going in each other’s room
3. It won’t be placed outside or in pool or hot tub.
4. No body fluids on shirt.

Sadly all four of these rules have been broken in prior TUF seasons. You think the mother of a TUF fighter wrote these rules. “Now Jimmy, don’t pee on this shirt”.

– Frank recaps the rules. Demarques puts it in a very obvious place. USA scores the first prank point.

– First official weigh-in of the season. Jeff Lawson talks about Nick’s game not typically being to trade. Jason thinks Mark Miller is the toughest guy on Team USA.

DANA: Nick didn’t impress me too much. He won over a leprechaun.

President of UFC is never known for being politically correct.

Dana said he was impressed with Mark fighting his own buddy and willing to give it to the audience. He thinks Mark has the upper hand. Bisping says he and his team are not here to mess around regardless of being underdog.

– UK sees the ransom note when home from practice.

????: This is a bit gay for us, really.

That might be bleeped out in 2012. It was Dave Faulkner’s shirt. The House games begin.

– USA training session. Mark says his grandma asked him what his fighting nickname was at breakfast one day.

MARK: I told her the ‘Meat Missile’ as a joke.

So breakfast with granny earned you your nickname? What the heck?

– Mark is fighting southpaw. What’s with all the southpaws this season?

MARK: I’m not one for game plans.

Hint–Don’t join Craig Jackson’s camp.

– The coach for Henderson’s team has seen Nick fight. He says Nick does not have good kicks and is lazy with his strikes. Hear that, Brits? You’re all lazy.

– DEMARQUES: ‘F— them’ on three. One two three–
USA: F— them!

– Goofy music plays. Demarques runs out into the gym. He sees a Brit has left their wrestling boots behind.

CAMERON: Wrestling shoes are a touchy subject for me.

Ah yes. The taboo nature of wrestling shoes. Ask Townsend Saunders back in UFC 14 or 15 when they were relevant.

“USA–2 UK–0. Cheerio, Mate”

Excellent. Two pranks in one episode that don’t gross me out.

– Dent makes fun of Bisping’s accent. Whoever has the blonde mohawk walks by his wrestling boots. It’s Ross Pearson. Andre Winner laughs at the prank.

ROSS: They wrote all over me wrestling boots.

– Ross is ready to smack them when he gets back to the House.

ROSS: You wrote on me boots?
DENT: What?
ROSS: You wrote on me boots?
DENT: ?
ROSS: You. Wrote. On. Me. Boots.

This grammar is too much.

Dent denies it and reports it to his teammates.

– Bisping finds it childish. He knows where it is in five weeks.

BISPING: Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Too much Austin Powers for him.

– Bisping was watching Mark’s fights on YouTube and thinks Mark is weak on his back. He gives this info to Nick. So take him to the ground. It’s a strategy match in his eyes. Dare I say Nick has a game plan? Bisping wants a round of applause for Nick.

NICK: I couldn’t have done it without you all.
BISPING: Shut up, you puff.

Is ‘puff’ offensive? I’m so lost.

– Fight Day. Sunrise. Slow piano music plays. Nick lays outside shirtless on a sunken trampoline.

MARK: Doesn’t matter if there’s ten thousand people watching or five people in your backyard.

I have a feeling the backyard fight will not be approved by the Nevada State Athletic Commission.

– Locker rooms.

NICK OSIPCZAK
LONDON, UK
24
5 inch reach advantage
3-0

MARK MILLER
Chicago Illinois
30
10-4

– Herb Dean is our referee. They touch gloves. Mark comes in with strikes and hugs. Nick reverses it and takes Mark to the ground against the cage. Full guard. Butterfly/TK guard.  Nick is pushing Mark along the ground. Mark grabs an arm. Mark bucks and is on top of Nick. But Nick turtles. Mark pushes Nick onto his back. Half mount. Full guard. Tables have turned. Nick keeps the space tight.

– They’re on their feet. Mark has the headlock. Brutal knee to the head of Nick. Nick does one of his own. They throw ferocious punches. One drops Nick against the cage. They are grappling on the ground as they scramble about. Nick works to his feet. Mark is against the cage. They break the grapple. Then re-grapple. Both are landing some big bombs. Knee to the belly of Nick. Mark is striking Nick’s face.  Mark throws an enormous punch but Nick ducks and puts Mark on the ground. Full guard. Exciting match. Punches from the top by Nick. Nick is back on his feet. So is Mark who gets Nick onto the ground as Nick has an arm around Mark’s throat. It’s tight. Mark nearly taps but gets out. Even Herb wasn’t sure. Full guard. Dang this is great back and forth battle. Punches to the chin of Nick. Nick punches from the bottom. Mark is standing then goes in tight. Plenty of wrist holds by both fighters. Mark is connecting with some strong strikes. Both rest. Mark gets up-kicked as he stands. Both come in for big punches as Nick wraps Mark and takes him to the ground. End of round.

– Shot of Arianny’s flat butt and we’re off! They circle. Mark throws too big of overhands. Knee to Nick’s ribs. Nick knees Mark’s cup. Nick gives Mark distance. Herb thinks nothing of it. Mark has an arm around Nick’s throat as he is taken to the ground. Nick attempts to elbow Mark from up top. Five soft elbows. Nevermind. Blood coming from Mark. Not much granted. More elbows. Side mount. Some more elbows. Mark is indeed doing not much from his back. Herb proclaims that Nick needs to work. Mark cranks Nick’s neck some more. It’s half mount. Herb tells Nick to work as he gets into full mount. Mark is still hanging his arm around Nick’s throat. Herb wants more work. Mark flips Nick and finds himself on top in Nick’s guard. Nick elbows from the bottom and controls Mark’s wrists. Herb wants more work. Mark opts to punch from the top. They’re working plenty. Nick elbows some more from the bottom before slapping his legs around Mark’s head. Mark escapes and gets half mount. The back to full guard. Nick is striking quite a bit from the bottom. Herb is standing them up. Wtf? They trade kicks on their feet. Nick deals one kick to Mark’s head. Mark collapses like he’s Mark Coleman against El Burro. Brits enter the ring and go ecstatic.

– Fight recap. Mark describes it as a rumble from the beginning. Nick was told Mark tapped in the guillotine but didn’t feel it. Replay shows it was clearly a tap. A page out of Murilo Bustamante’s book. Bisping thought his team was like a pack of wild dogs as they all screamed at the same time.

– HENDERSON: Mark didn’t quite stick to the game plan.

Mark didn’t have a game plan according to him.

– We see the kick over and over. So much for Nick’s lazy kicks. Bisping is happy that Nick listened to the game plan. He turns to his team to say listening is important. Bisping wants to excessively celebrate so that the American fighters will lose before they step into the octagon.

– Mark avoids vomiting in the locker room. Finally he vomits.

Next time on TUF: After only one loss, Team USA starts to splinter. While the bond between the Brits grow even stronger. Are the Brits for real? Are the Americans just hoosiers? Two fights in one episode will provide the answer. Who will become the next Ultimate Fighter?

1) Waylon Lowe vs. Santino Defranco (Santino is going to quit. He’ll totally quit at the end of the round. Wait, he’s coming out? Big knee? Rear naked choke? Dang.)

2) Mark Miller vs. Nick Oscipzak (So many reversals. Who was in control? Some good strikes too. Yeah they were slow to work at certain moments, but then the knockout kick came.)

3) AJ Wenn vs. Ross Pearson (Skillful grappling followed by the biggest beatdown of the premiere. Those knees were vicious. How the heck did AJ answer the bell for the second round?

4) Gary Kelly vs. Andre Winner (Perhaps the best fight in terms of striking. They weren’t afraid to go after each other, and that’s what we love to see in MMA. That brutal knee was the best strike of the episode.)

5) Demarques Johnson vs. Ray Elbe (They squared off in the beginning, but Demarques pounded him, pounded him some more, and created one of the biggest gashes in TUF history. I love blood.)

6) Kiel Reid vs. Frank Lester (Two words: Gray Maynard.)

7) Che Mills vs. James Wilks (Great rally from James as he grabs a leg and taps Che out from the bottom. Granted it was a quick fight.)

8) Richie Whitson vs. Paul Bird (Decent striking by both guys. Paul clearly didn’t know what to do on the ground compared to Richie. There was a fine armbar attempt by Paul, but Richie brushed it off and slapped on a textbook rear naked choke on Paul.)

9) Martin Stapleton vs. Dan James (Only about ten seconds of the whole fight can be considered exciting or engaging to watch.)

10) Jason Dent vs. Rob Browning (Nothing to recommend watching. Except that it features a Browning?)

11) James Bryan vs. Jeff Lawson (I am not impressed by either fighter.)

BISPING

LIGHTWEIGHTS

ANDRE WINNER 1
JEFF LAWSON 1
MARTIN STAPLETON 0
ROSS PEARSON 2

WELTERWEIGHTS

DAVID FAULKNER 0
DEAN AMASINGER 0
JAMES WILKS 0
NICK OSCIPZAK 11

HENDERSON

LIGHTWEIGHTS

CAMERON DOLLAR 1
JASON DENT 0
RICHIE WHITSON 0
SANTINO DEFRANCO 0

WELTERWEIGHTS

DEMARQUES JOHNSON 6
FRANK LESTER 1
JASON PIERCE 1
MARK MILLER 8

Fifth episode

Previously on TUF: Team USA coach Dan Henderson chose the first match-up. Nick Oscipzak versus Mark Miller. The fight was an explosive display of mixed martial arts. But in the end Nick floored Mark Miller with a brutal kick proving that Team UK is for real. Now get ready for two more preliminary fights. Can the Americans pull together as a team or will they crash and burn on the way to becoming the ultimate fighter?

– Intro time.

– Bisping is convinced the team will keep this momentum. Not too far fetched seeing how TUF has a tendency for lopsided victories in the preliminary stage. He asks for the team to loudly applaud Nick. Bisping was “off the moon” after knocking out a guy on his own pick.

– Henderson hopes the loss woke them up and to follow the gameplan. Dent and Pierce know they have to come together as a team. I hate it when two people with the same name have a confessional one after the other.

– In the van dent tells everyone to train and not get an attitude or b—-. Cameron retaliates a feel-good message by telling everyone to do whatever the f— they want to do. Way to break the mood. Silence.

– Dent thinks Cam tries too hard to be a west coast playa with his big mouth and pretty boy looks. I have a feeling they don’t train together.

– Damarquez tells us that it’s not a team and it is not a secret that this is the case.

PIERCE: We’ve got a pretty wide range of ages. From 32 to 28 to 22 to 21.

That’s a range? Eleven years? Do you know Randy Couture?

– Like Lopevi in Survivor: Vanuatu, a young versus old division is clear. The young guys sit outside and drink beers.

CAM: I am sorry to say this but I have humped probably about seventy girls if not eighty.

Note that when he says ‘sorry’ there is ZERO sincerity in his voice.

CAM: I don’t remember their names.

The empathy.

CAM: I have a friend. He’s married. And I–
DENT: You humped his wife?
CAM: . . .
DENT: You didn’t have to put your d— in her.
CAM: She totally threw herself at me.

I can only imagine Cam saying ‘I am sorry, but I will consent to this highly immoral sexual intercourse’.

– Pierce is in the hot tub with one of the under-the-radar British players. He likes them more and enjoys talking to them. The British guy with the blonde mohawk (Faulkner) admits to being a nerd. The fourth wall is broken when he says one of the production team said he is the biggest nerd that he has met in his life.

FAULKNER: He said ‘f—ing hell,’ you truly are a geek.

– Pierce says him and Faulkner have shared interests and like the same jokes. Somehow the others have avoided using any homophobic lingo towards them.

– Fight announcement. Bisping wastes no time to say Andre Winner will be going against Santino DeFranco. They hug then pose. Bisping knows there is no chance that Santino will hang with Dre. I agree seeing how Santino was beaten to a pulp in his entry fight before rallying back from highly improbably odds. Yet Santino is getting the heroic edit. So maybe he replaces an injured fighter later on? I dunno.

– We get to know Andre. He fights to get paid. Thank goodness he didn’t come up with a sob story. Bisping and Andre grapple against the cage. Andre fends off takedown attempts. He even takes down Bisping. Everyone cheers. Applause ensues.

– Santino recaps the brain aneurisms. Need I go over that again? Here comes the sob story.

SANTINO: That’s the back story of brain stuff.

Okay. Now there’s proof he had a brain aneurism.

– Henderson tries to grapple with Santino. He looks lost. Henderson’s expression drops. Santino talks about striving for excellence. As said after anytime when a fighter loses, Santino ‘shows heart’.

– Fight Day. Santino believes he has more avenues to win the fight. Andre is focused on being calm.

– Santino compares fighting to tubs of water leaking out. I know. Let’s just move on.

ANDRE WINNER
LEICESTER, UK
27
5’11
70″
9-2-1

SANTINO DEFRANCO
TEMPE, ARIZONA
26
5’10
74″
13-4

– Andre says Santino’s only way to win is via submission. Striker versus grappler. Let’s do this.

– Dana introduces the fight. Mazzagatti is our referee. They touch gloves. Santino leg strikes. Andre punches the body. Some dancing commences. Leg kick by Santino. More circling. Andre feints. They dance some more. Santino shoots but Andre fends off the takedown easily. Santino leg kicks but countered by punch. Santino keeps throwing leg kicks. Henderson calls for combos and mixing it up. Santino shoots. Andre defends. Again. Santino keeps throwing leg kicks but Andre is dodging. Santino throws punches but Andre is dodging those too. Santino is dodging Andre’s punches. Except for one lightly. Santino misses a punch to the face. Santino misses a looping leg kick. He shoots but Andre puts him on his back. Santino goes for a triangle attempt. The right arm of Andre’s is trapped. Andre gets his arm out. Full guard. Very tight. Another triangle attempt by Santino. Andre gets out and starts wailing on Santino against the cage. Santino merely has his arms covering his face. That is not enough as Santino refuses to budge. Andre reigns down more and more and more. Sounds powerful. Mazzagatti surprisingly stops it.

BISPING: It’s not supposed to be this easy.

Gracious in victory.

– Andre cannot describe the feeling. He says we have to feel it ourselves. Like that will happen for somebody like me. Santino feels like an idiot and thought he had to finish it quickly. Henderson says it was just a matter of not sticking to their gameplan. He tries to teach them to be mentally tough for fights but clearly the two players have not possessed it in the octagon.

HENDERSON: On the count of three, ‘hard work’. . .One two three HARD WORK!

This is different from Day 1’s cheer of ‘F— THEM!’

– House time. Dent asks if Frank got his elbow checked out. Damarques answers it was skin disease about a week ago. He is stunned and wonders where Dent has been this whole time. Cam doesn’t help by making fun of Dent asking a million questions all of a sudden.

DENT: Do you think it would hurt if I smash this glass over your head?

You may want to back off, Cam.

– Dent is not used to this much social interaction. It’s like sticking needles in his eyes. Maybe Rob Browning would be better off socially than Dent. The players must be regretting their choice to support Dent rather than Browning. Dent just wants to train and get the job done until the show is over.

– Dent leaves the room by saying UK gets along while his own team b—es and fights all the time.

DENT: It’s more enjoyable to hang out with the UK guys than half the f—ing Americans?

I wonder which half Cam would be assigned to. And Dent isn’t really helping team morale with that statement.

– Cam picks his nose as he makes fun of Dent’s hat. Damarques finds it funny as Pierce is silent.

– Team USA runs up stairs in 100 degree heat. Richie the Silent Ginger is sweating profusely. Henderson says they need to start winning. It’s only two fights down. This storyline is premature.

– Henderson wants to choose Damarques against Dean, and Frank will fight Wilks. Both fighters are ready for that challenge. Finally Henderson wants Pierce to fight Faulkner.

PIERCE: I’m not good with short stocky guys.

. . .So why come onto this show? Opportunity of a lifetime and you can’t exactly be picky. How is that going to look when Dana picks which fringe TUF fighters get a UFC contract? Imposing restrictions when you want to get noticed is a horrendous move.

– Henderson wants Pierce to have confidence in himself and says Faulkner has not won a fight by a method other than ankle lock.

PIERCE: He said he has finished a couple by suplex knockout.
HENDERSON: Are you going to get f—ing suplexed and knocked out?

If you answered yes to the previous question, you may want to leave the show right now.

PIERCE: I don’t plan on it.
HENDERSON: Then you should pick him apart.
PIERCE: I just don’t do as well as with the short stockier guys.

It might be time for Henderson to give up on getting Pierce’s permission. His reasoning has been cracked but sticks with it anyway.

– Henderson asks who Pierce wants to fight.

PIERCE: I don’t care.

So how about a short and stocky guy?

– Cam gets a confessional and says Pierce is scared to fight Faulkner and is bonding with the UK guys. He has no respect for them.

– As they head to the van we get this neat exchange:

(MARK bends over to spit.)
(CAMERON spanks him on butt.)
MARK: Get your f—ing hands off me, dude.
(CAMERON touches him.)
MARK: Don’t touch me, man.

I think this team is less disastrous than the lightweight teams from TUF 5. Granted these guys are lightweights and welterweights.

MARK: F—ing c—sucker, you wanna go?

Ah. We finally get our first homophobic remark of the episode.

CAM: You’re a p–sy dude.

DAMARQUES: If you want to fight, then fight. Otherwise shut the f— up. Because nobody gives a f—.

Damarques. The voice of reason.  Surprisingly Dent is the one who talks back and tells Damarques to turn the f— around. Damarques turns to the camera. Dent makes fun of him for doing this and showboating for airtime. Well, you did say for Damarques to turn around.

– Cam asks Dent if he is angry for missing his wife in an insulting manner.

DENT: Why don’t you go bang some more guys’ wives.

Oh no he di’int.

– Cam wants Dent to cry to mommy. Damarques goes on to summarize the situation. Henderson comes in and wants the fighters to help each other train and represent the United States. If it weren’t for the national theme for this season, everyone would request a trade. Heck, they may even quit if it weren’t for attempting to represent America.

Although some say quarrelling over trivial and privileged situations is the true American way of life.

– Henderson leaves them with last words about the only balls who should be busted is Team UK. Thanks coach. He asks for ‘Team USA’ on three. Cam wants it to be a team but knows everyone is an individual.

– UK guys are taking turns rolling off of trampolines. No wonder they don’t get airtime. Their cohesive nature is quite explicit. Martin mentions how there are no egos. They think the bonding as they play soccer and trampoline wrestling will carry them to the end.

– Fight Announcement again. Henderson makes the pick. It’s Damarques against Dean. They have a friendly square-off.

DEAN: Black on Black crime!

I think you have to pay Rampage his royalties.

– Henderson picked the match-up because he wanted to ensure USA has a win. He thinks Damarques is much better all around than Dean. Bisping says Damarques is USA’s best fighter while Dean ‘works hard’. Uh oh. Sounds like the streak will be interrupted.

– Bisping says Damarques typically wins by triangles. You know who is susceptible to triangles? Yep. Dean. Things aren’t looking good for Dean. Bisping still thinks Dean is a well-rounded fighter.

– Dean thinks he has worked well on his weaknesses.

– Damarques says he is fighting Dean F—ing Mr. T. Heh. Dean does look a lot like Mr. T. Except for the bald spot on the mohawk. Good stuff.

– Damarques examines the goosebumps as he stands in the octagon.

HENDERSON: He’s got some great hips and great control.

That statement could be taken completely out of context.

– Henderson thinks Damarques is the number one guy in the division for this season. Damarques doesn’t feel overly aggressive.

DAMARQUES: I don’t want to rape and pillage anybody.

I heard that went out of style about four hundred years ago.

– Damarques thanks God/production for giving him the opportunity. However he doesn’t want to pray for victory but rather to fight well. So much for victory by ‘any means necessary’.

– Damarques doesn’t feel pressure to win for Team USA. This is more for him.

– Andre agrees to shave Dean’s back to look good for Damarques and is ready to put on a show.

– DAMARQUES: Cooks don’t think about what they do in the kitchen. They just make it up. That’s what I’m going to do.

And Damarques wins the award for the worst analogy of the episode. He may as well pull a Ted Rogers Jr. and say he will fight using 150 to 200 percent effort.

– The players do their usual ‘utter as many cliches as possible as I punch in the locker room’. There is an interesting development for once during this segment. Bisping has yet to show up. Dean assumes it must be a good reason and thinks Bisping is in a cell somewhere. One of the others thinks he is asleep. Everyone speculates.

– Dana White, who has rarely spoken this episode, confirms that this is the first time in nine seasons that a coach hasn’t shown up for a fight. Especially when the underdogs are pulling it out but Bisping is crashing the momentum. Dave Jackson, the assistant coach, will be the corner like they usually are in real life.

– Dean doesn’t understand because he does not know any circumstance where Bisping misses a fight. For once, a fighter is disappointed in their own coach within a harmonious squad.

– Damarques sprints into the octagon. His goal is to ensure Dean never wants to fight him ever again. Regardless if it’s win, lose or draw.

DEAN AMASINGER
NOTTINGHAM, UK
24
5’10
73″
4-1

DAMARQUES JOHNSON
SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH
26
6’1
76″
13-6

– No intro by Dana. Probably too busy looking for Bisping. Rosenthal is our referee. They touch gloves. Damarques faints. Dean gets a leg kick. Fires another but Damarques catches it and sends him to the ground. They scramble to their feet. Damarques leg kicks Dean. Dean tries for another takedown but Damarques defends it and has a hold on Dean’s right arm. He lets go as he pulls full guard. Damarques closes the distance as he pulls dean’s head into him. Damarques has the wrist control despite Dean being on top. Suddenly Damarques’ legs are getting higher. It’s tight. Dean tries to slam but it only makes it worse. There’s a tap. Textbook. Dean buries his face into his hands.

– Damarques is happy for the win. He can pay for some child support (I s’pose he must be a baby’s daddy). He intends to celebrate the Browning way by drinking beers. Ceebratory music as Damarques is happy and Frank congratulates him. As well as the rest of the team surprisingly. Damarques is happy to get the team off ground zero.

– Team USA thinks Bisping didn’t show up because he assumed Dean would lose and would miss out on the opportunity to gloat after the fight. Not much reason for Team USA to gloat on their own. Henderson doesn’t think there should be any reason why Team USA loses another fight.

– Dean curses loudly all the way to the locker room and sits down. His eyes are hidden as he cries. A towel is behind his head. He analyzes the tightness of the triangle choke. He thought he was going to beat Damarques and admits it was all his fault.

Next time on TUF: Why didn’t Michael Bisping show up to Dean’s fight? Will Team USA ever get along? And once again, two fights in one episode. Who will become the next Ultimate Fighter?

Rank the Fights

1) Waylon Lowe vs. Santino Defranco (Santino is going to quit. He’ll totally quit at the end of the round. Wait, he’s coming out? Big knee? Rear naked choke? Dang.)

2) Mark Miller vs. Nick Oscipzak (So many reversals. Who was in control? Some good strikes too. Yeah they were slow to work at certain moments, but then the knockout kick came.)

3) AJ Wenn vs. Ross Pearson (Skillful grappling followed by the biggest beatdown of the premiere. Those knees were vicious. How the heck did AJ answer the bell for the second round?

4) Gary Kelly vs. Andre Winner (Perhaps the best fight in terms of striking. They weren’t afraid to go after each other, and that’s what we love to see in MMA. That brutal knee was the best strike of the episode.)

5) Demarques Johnson vs. Ray Elbe (They squared off in the beginning, but Demarques pounded him, pounded him some more, and created one of the biggest gashes in TUF history. I love blood.)

6) Kiel Reid vs. Frank Lester (Two words: Gray Maynard.)

7) Dean Amasinger vs. Damarques Johnson (Seeing a guy struggle helplessly to escape a triangle choke is disturbingly gratifying.)

8) Che Mills vs. James Wilks (Great rally from James as he grabs a leg and taps Che out from the bottom. Granted it was a quick fight.)

9) Richie Whitson vs. Paul Bird (Decent striking by both guys. Paul clearly didn’t know what to do on the ground compared to Richie. There was a fine armbar attempt by Paul, but Richie brushed it off and slapped on a textbook rear naked choke on Paul.)

10) Andre Winner vs. Santino DeFranco (Well. . .uh . . .at least Andre finished it relatively quickly. Did Santino do anything worthwhile?

11) Martin Stapleton vs. Dan James (Only about ten seconds of the whole fight can be considered exciting or engaging to watch.)

12) Jason Dent vs. Rob Browning (Nothing to recommend watching. Except that it features a Browning?)

13) James Bryan vs. Jeff Lawson (I am not impressed by either fighter.)

BISPING

LIGHTWEIGHTS

ANDRE WINNER 4
JEFF LAWSON 0
MARTIN STAPLETON 2
ROSS PEARSON 0

WELTERWEIGHTS

DAVID FAULKNER
DEAN AMASINGER 7
JAMES WILKS 0
NICK OSCIPZAK 0

HENDERSON

LIGHTWEIGHTS

CAMERON DOLLAR 2
JASON DENT 6
RICHIE WHITSON 0
SANTINO DEFRANCO 6

WELTERWEIGHTS

DAMARQUES JOHNSON 9
FRANK LESTER 0
JASON PIERCE 3
MARK MILLER 0x

Rank the Fights

1) Waylon Lowe vs. Santino Defranco (Santino is going to quit. He’ll totally quit at the end of the round. Wait, he’s coming out? Big knee? Rear naked choke? Dang.)

2) Mark Miller vs. Nick Oscipzak (So many reversals. Who was in control? Some good strikes too. Yeah they were slow to work at certain moments, but then the knockout kick came.)

3) AJ Wenn vs. Ross Pearson (Skillful grappling followed by the biggest beatdown of the premiere. Those knees were vicious. How the heck did AJ answer the bell for the second round?

4) Gary Kelly vs. Andre Winner (Perhaps the best fight in terms of striking. They weren’t afraid to go after each other, and that’s what we love to see in MMA. That brutal knee was the best strike of the episode.)

5) Demarques Johnson vs. Ray Elbe (They squared off in the beginning, but Demarques pounded him, pounded him some more, and created one of the biggest gashes in TUF history. I love blood.)

6) Kiel Reid vs. Frank Lester (Two words: Gray Maynard.)

7) Dean Amasinger vs. Damarques Johnson (Seeing a guy struggle helplessly to escape a triangle choke is disturbingly gratifying.)

8) Che Mills vs. James Wilks (Great rally from James as he grabs a leg and taps Che out from the bottom. Granted it was a quick fight.)

9) Richie Whitson vs. Paul Bird (Decent striking by both guys. Paul clearly didn’t know what to do on the ground compared to Richie. There was a fine armbar attempt by Paul, but Richie brushed it off and slapped on a textbook rear naked choke on Paul.)

10) Andre Winner vs. Santino DeFranco (Well. . .uh . . .at least Andre finished it relatively quickly. Did Santino do anything worthwhile?

11) Martin Stapleton vs. Dan James (Only about ten seconds of the whole fight can be considered exciting or engaging to watch.)

12) Jason Dent vs. Rob Browning (Nothing to recommend watching. Except that it features a Browning?)

13) James Bryan vs. Jeff Lawson (I am not impressed by either fighter.)

Sixth episode

Previously on TUF: A unified Team UK won the first two fights. While the Americans bickered. Then in the third preliminary fight, Damarques Johnson got Team USA on the board by choking Dean Amasinger and Michael Bisping failed to show up for the fight. And Andre’s win is completely ignored in this segment. Up next two more preliminary fights. Who will move one step closer to becoming the Ultimate Fighter?

– Intro time.

– Cam asks Dean where Bisping was. Dean insists he doesn’t know. He is only disappointed in himself. Dean and Cam friendly talk about the fight and the tight triangle. Cam even offers advice to not slam because then you get into the grip tighter.

– Pierce, who hasn’t spoken since the extensive age range of 21 to 32, speaks about. . .

PIERCE: There are people here of different ages and all walks of life.

*facepalm*

– While Cam is out of the room, Pierce makes fun of Cam for telling Dean how to get out of a triangle. Cam walks in plain sight as Pierce announces he hates Cam. This scene seems highly staged or ‘worked’. Cam walks outside.

PIERCE: He is such a parasite.

– Cam comes in and challenges Pierce over it as he walks by. Pierce is ready to explain but Cam interrupts to say everyone hates Pierce as he walks by.

PIERCE: You old grumpy f—.

– Cam says the house does weird things to him. Like the Big Brother House. Cam assumes he is going to be picked next.

– Fight Announcement. Bisping is back and ready to make his pick. It’s Martin Stapleton and Cameron Dollar. Cam gets his wish. Dean observes that Cam looked scared in the face-off with Martin.

– Note that everyone is calling Martin as ‘Stapes’. Ah. He is worthy of being referred to by his last name. Half of it anyway.

– We get a confessional from Frank (Frank!) about how Cam stands a chance. I wonder if this is a tip off that Frank is the other Team USA fighter this episode? Because we still haven’t heard from Richie.

– Jeff and Andre know Stapes doesn’t make any mistakes.

– In the USA van, people ask Cam if he’s alright. Cam confirms he is “nervous as f—“. How can you be “nervous as f—” when you claim to “f—” eighty women is beyond me. Cam is willing to get himself out of this situation by fighting.

– Bisping pulls Dean aside in the gym. He apologizes and explains to him that he suffered from jet lag and completely passed out. Isn’t this episode six? There’s been well over two weeks of Bisping staying in Vegas. Jet lag should no longer be a factor.

BISPING: Next thing I know I look at my watch and see it is 430pm.

YOU SLEEP UNTIL 430PM?! How the crap do you do that? I can see why they call him The Count. Not because of his physical features but because he is equally nocturnal. My oh my.

For the record I don’t buy it. I think he didn’t have an ounce of faith in Dean. Bisping claims it is inexcusable.

– We shift to discussing Stapes. His cardio is off the chain. One of the few good wrestlers and is in the Marines. Bisping still thinks Cam is the better wrestler but Stapes is still the best wrestler. Strategy is to stop Cam’s takedowns and implement striking. Hasn’t that been the strategy of every British fighter thus far? I’m surprised Americans haven’t employed their ground game more.

– Frank calls out Stapes for being a hostile person jokingly. Richie, Cam, and Frank have a fun time joking with Stapes. Well not Cam. He looks really nervous.

– Training session. Cam grew up on wrestling and loves it. Henderson knows this. He knows Cam needs to force himself to do some striking. Cam tells us his stand-up is worse than Jay London. Gameplan is to strike Stapes against the fence then take him to the ground and wrestle him into submission.

– Stapes says this is the longest he has been away since his daughter was born. Boo hoo. Cam is stressed out. I bet he has ten daughters that aren’t claimed. Wing out on the ol’ child support. Cam is scared every time he fights. My two cents is that Cam won’t be long for this sport. Or a thrill-seeker. Feeds off anxious energy.

– Stapes has put his wife and daughter’s names on his toque. Luckily it’s only briefly mentioned. Then he talks about being in the Marines for eight years.

– Fight Day. USA locker room. Cam says it’s good to fight scared.

CAM: Well, that’s what my coaches tell me.

Classic fighter’s response.

– Stapes talking about training and suffering to get to this point.

MARTIN STAPLETON
ROCHDALE, UK
25
5’9
70″
5-1

CAMERON DOLLAR
COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO
21
5’11
71″
4-1

– Mazzagatti is our referee. No touching of the gloves. They dance around. Both feint frequently. Cam backs away and runs in. Then backs away. Shapes connects with a punch to the face. More dancing around. Cam fires a leg kick but Stapes catches it. Cam withdraws it and backs off. Cam punches Stapes as Stapes charged in. Suddenly Stapes has Cam against the cage. Cam uses a hip toss to get Stapes to the ground. Cam takes Stapes’ back. They roll around as Cam has both hooks in. This is deep trouble. Cam punches the back of Stapes’ head. Cam uses the cage for leverage occasionally until he has an arm under Stapes’ throat. It’s tight. It’s over.

– Fight recap. These have been very rare this season. Stapes started strong.  But Cam landed a punch to the top of the head that dropped Stapes. Then the cage grapple. Then the hip toss. Dana is impressed with Stapes’ fight about ten times more than the entry fight with Berger.

– Henderson says the shock on Bisping’s face was as nice as he expected it to be.

– Stapes turtles in the ring as he cries. Bisping runs over to say everything is fine and will be okay. Everyone comments on the 2-2 tie. Dana can’t help but think USA is getting their stride.

– Stapes’ heart is praised by Bisping. Stapes intends to train.

– Cam was scared s—less. Damarques celebrates moreso than Cam.

– Fight announcement again. Henderson picks Frank Lester to fight James Wilks. Another anonymous British fighter.

– Wilks training session. Talks about how he got into MMA. I assure you it’s not anything worth elaborating about. He started training then did it full time. He thinks Frank is a stiff fighter and only throws big bombs. James is fond of being on his feet and moving around. He has been told he has a great ground game but he isn’t so comfortable. Sounds like Wilks has Cameron Dollar-like self-esteem issues.

– Bisping is certain that James will beat Frank in all areas.

– House time. Damarques doesn’t think James wants to get punched in the face. Frank brags he will get punched many times and will have his face broken.

FRANK: James Wilks is the biggest spoiled brat f— face. He is on Team UK even though he has been living in Orange County for the past ten years! He’s a f—ing traitor. He’s not a Brit. He’s not an American. . .He’s a f—ing a–hole. He’s a f—ing a–hole.

Why hasn’t there been any Frank airtime in the past?

– We are treated to a montage of Frank acting out his vision of putting James against a fence and bashing his face in. Santino defines James as ‘good crazy’. However, he is afraid of Frank wishing to cause real physical harm to Wilks.

– Henderson trains Frank. He wants him to focus on clean straight punches rather than the ones that drain all of your energy and aren’t the best form. Speed and quickness is key. He views him as too emotional of a fighter and needing to always relax him.

– We see Frank headbutt a dummy as Henderson speaks. Great editing. Camera pans to Frank lightly pacing back and forth in the octagon. Henderson calls Frank over to the mat for a casual chat.

FRANK: I’m having a tough time controlling my brain. Like I want to put my head through a f—ing window. Every time I see James I wanna tap him and beat his head in.

Most fighters after a fight are taken to the hospital for medical treatment. However, Frank will be the first fighter to be taken to the hospital, not for medical treatment, but rather to the psychiatric ward.

– I like how Henderson is the biggest contrast to Frank. Henderson is easily the calmest and most soft-spoken coach in TUF history. Frank reveals his tattoo of a spider web on his elbow. The elbow is the centre of the red web. Dang this guy is crazy.

– USA van time. Damarques resumes his comedic role by offering Frank one hundred dollars for each tooth of James that he breaks. Is this legal? And what happened to Damarques needing to pay child support?

– Fight Day. James says his celebration will be to eat carrot cake. Meanwhile the USA fighters remind Frank about the tooth bet.

– Everyone is getting taped up. James practices his strikes and grappling with Amasinger. Henderson instructs to have patience. Bisping insists to use a jab. Henderson also emphasizes quickness.

JAMES WILKS
LAGUNA HILLS, CALIFORNIA
30
6’1
75″
5-2

FRANK LESTER
24
5’11
71″
3-2

– Frank sounds too wild. I think he’ll lose.

– No intro from Dana. Mazzagatti is our referee. They touch gloves. Frank is circling like mad. James chases him down for a punch. He charges in some more and lands a few punches to the top of the head and a front body kick. Frnk runs away some more. James leg kicks but Frank counters. Frank lands a punch. A couple more uppercuts by James. Frank lands a punch and holds James’ head for a few seconds. Lands a jab. James leg kicks close to the crotch. Circling. James blocks Frank’s punches. Frank misses an overhand. James leg kicks. Frank circles some more. Counter jabs by both fighters.  Frank does an inadvertent headbutt. James falls down. Catches Frank’s leg and tries to gain leverage for a leg lock. Frank escapes. They scramble to where James gets side mount on Frank. James elbows to the body. He has control of an arm but gives it up. Frank nearly escapes out the back door but James converts it into north-south. Frank attempts to trap an arm but James pulls it out and elbows the head. Frank elbows from the bottom. Frank tries an upkick as James stands up but James snags it and attempts a lock. Frank pulls it and butt scoots as fast as he can. James chases him down on his feet. Frank has a hand on James’ crotch from the ground. James is standing with his butt above Frank’s face. Unusual position. James punches Frank’s head. Frank gets up and slams James to the ground. James stands. They trade on their feet. James lands some brutal uppercuts before grappling Frank against the fence. Holding Frank against the cage. Knees to Frank’s mid-section. Frank reverses it and fails at a hip toss. They grapple again. Frank knees James’ body. James returns a knee to the face. Frank gets away from the cage again. Frank’s mouthpiece comes off after another knee to the face. Blood coming from the mouth. Both are attempting to use their legs. James tosses Frank to the ground. Half mount. Strictly holding at this point. This must be a tiring round. Neither fighter is doing much besides wrist control. Which I suppose is quite a bit. James nearly has a darth choke but end of round.

– Frank complains his teeth are knocked out. Does that mean he owes Damarques one hundred bucks per tooth? Life was simpler back in the days of the Tooth Fairy. Mazzagatti says break is over but Frank complains about his tooth. Bisping screams ‘what the f—‘ at the referee as Frank is not returning the bell. Mazzagatti sees there is four teeth in the mouthguard. It is Henderson’s responsibility to pull the teeth out.

MAZZAGATTI: Get the tooth out and put it on ice.

How often do you hear that during a MMA match?

– Second round. They touch gloves. Frank is circling because we know how well it worked in round one. James goes for a leg kick but Frank ccatches it and throws it back. They feint and counter each other’s jabs. No significant damage. Frank is completely off-balance. Frank is going to be finished very soon. James misses a leg kick. He lands a MASSIVE head kick. Frank is still standing. No power behind any of Frank’s strikes. James attempts a forward body kick that misses. He strikes high but ducks to grab a leg. Frank defends the takedown. James holds Frank against the cage as he connects with five uppercuts. Frank tries to fight back with strikes of his own but James regains control and connects with a few strikes. They roll around on their feet against the cage. James grabs both of Frank’s legs and takes him to the ground. James punches Frank’s face several times as Frank scurries back up. James knees Frank’s face. Frank holds onto James. Frank is standing against the cage. James takes him down with relative ease. Side mount. If this were pro wrestling, he’d have the 3-count pin no problem. He maneuvers into full mount. Frank is bleeding from his eyes. James wraps his legs around both of Frank’s arms. One gets free but the other one is pulled back. Submission. End of fight.

– Frank brushes off the towel man who intends to clean the blood off of Frank’s face.

– Fight recap. Everyone says it was a good back and forth fight until the knee that knocked FOUR of Frank’s teeth. We are told it was fake teeth. Bisping defends the screaming at Mazzagatti because of the indirect recovery time that Frank received when he was losing.

– Second round is recapped.

BISPING: Frank showed a lot of heart.

Haven’t I said that’s a huge cliche?

– UK celebrates the regained lead. James wish he had a submission in the first round.

– Frank cries as he admits he fought like crap. Henderson comforts him by saying that they will go over some mistakes. He is confident Frank will be in the UFC in the future.

– We see Frank lick his mouth. I think Frank has more teeth knocked out than ones that are remaining. That image is burned in my memory. His whole mouth is a pool of blood. And his eyes. And nose. Then he coughs up another tooth like it’s a furball. And that’s how the episode ends.

– It will take a miracle for Frank to be a replacement fighter.

Next time on TUF: Only one fight behind the pace, TUF takes a break from two fight specials. Infections wreak havoc at the house. Team UK’s unorthodox training backfires. And Team USA tries to avenge Lester’s loss. Two more fighters will square off. Who will be one step closer to becoming the Ultimate Fighter?

Rank the Fights

1) Waylon Lowe vs. Santino Defranco (Santino is going to quit. He’ll totally quit at the end of the round. Wait, he’s coming out? Big knee? Rear naked choke? Dang.)

2) Mark Miller vs. Nick Oscipzak (So many reversals. Who was in control? Some good strikes too. Yeah they were slow to work at certain moments, but then the knockout kick came.)

3) James Wilks vs. Frank Lester (It was exciting in the stand-up and exciting on the ground. Wilks landed some impressive strikes and knees during the fight. Frank’s inability to go down was worth the prolonged destruction. Oh, and who can forget one of the most iconic images of TUF 9–the four missing teeth? Is that how a Christmas tune was inspired?)

4) AJ Wenn vs. Ross Pearson (Skillful grappling followed by the biggest beatdown of the premiere. Those knees were vicious. How the heck did AJ answer the bell for the second round?

5) Gary Kelly vs. Andre Winner (Perhaps the best fight in terms of striking. They weren’t afraid to go after each other, and that’s what we love to see in MMA. That brutal knee was the best strike of the episode.)

6) Damarques Johnson vs. Ray Elbe (They squared off in the beginning, but Damarques pounded him, pounded him some more, and created one of the biggest gashes in TUF history. I love blood.)

7) Kiel Reid vs. Frank Lester (Two words: Gray Maynard.)

8) Dean Amasinger vs. Damarques Johnson (Seeing a guy struggle helplessly to escape a triangle choke is disturbingly gratifying.)

9) Che Mills vs. James Wilks (Great rally from James as he grabs a leg and taps Che out from the bottom. Granted it was a quick fight.)

10) Cam Dollar vs. Martin Stapleton (Short fight without any memorable strikes except for the one to the top of the head. Textbook rear naked choke. Should be lower, really.)

11) Richie Whitson vs. Paul Bird (Decent striking by both guys. Paul clearly didn’t know what to do on the ground compared to Richie. There was a fine armbar attempt by Paul, but Richie brushed it off and slapped on a textbook rear naked choke on Paul.)

12) Andre Winner vs. Santino DeFranco (Well. . .uh . . .at least Andre finished it relatively quickly. Did Santino do anything worthwhile?

13) Martin Stapleton vs. Dan James (Only about ten seconds of the whole fight can be considered exciting or engaging to watch.)

14) Jason Dent vs. Rob Browning (Nothing to recommend watching. Except that it features a Browning?)

15) James Bryan vs. Jeff Lawson (I am not impressed by either fighter.)

BISPING

LIGHTWEIGHTS

ANDRE WINNER 0
JEFF LAWSON 1
MARTIN STAPLETON  8
ROSS PEARSON 0

WELTERWEIGHTS

DAVID FAULKNER 0
DEAN AMASINGER 1x
JAMES WILKS 4
NICK OSCIPZAK 0

HENDERSON

LIGHTWEIGHTS

CAMERON DOLLAR 7
JASON DENT 0
RICHIE WHITSON 0
SANTINO DEFRANCO 1x

WELTERWEIGHTS

DAMARQUES JOHNSON 0
FRANK LESTER 6
JASON PIERCE 2
MARK MILLER 0x

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