Previously on TAR: Twelve teams set out from Seattle, Washington on a race around the world for one million dollars. Teams objected when “dating” couple Peter & Sarah used Sarah’s artificial leg to board the plane ahead of other teams. Once in Beijing teams raced to the Forbidden City. Where a surprise elimination awaited the last team, Bilal & Sa’eed. The next day an arduous climb on China’s Great Wall left some teams hanging while others breezed by. In the end models Tyler & James arrived first. Married couple David & Mary were certain they were out. But it was Vipul & Arti that came in last. Ten teams are still in the race. Who will be eliminated next?
– Intro time. There’s Sarah’s leg. Wow. Bilal & Sa’eed are included in the intro. How nice of production. Erwin’s hair flows greatly. I’m wondering if there’s subliminal messaging in those flashes at the end of the intro.
– This is the Great Wall of China, and this is Chow Yung Fat, one of its eastern gateways. This was the first pit stop in a race around the world.
– Will Peter & Sarah remain at the front of the pack even with her prosthetic leg in disrepair?
Nope. I’m not going to buy it like production is. HOOK, line, and sinker.
– And can David & Mary overcome their lack of travel experience to climb out of last place?
– Tyler & James, who arrived first at 904am, will depart at 904pm. Tyler reads that teams must travel 963 miles by bus and train deep into the barren landscape of Mongolia. How did they know it was 963 miles to the route marker? GPS? Mapquest? Who knows. They will arrive at the capital city of Ulaanbaatar. They will then make their way to the Shojin Temple and observe a ceremony before receiving their next clue.
The mascot for Mongolia’s branch of Burger King makes his appearance!
And less creepier too.
– Tyler says having this opportunity in sobriety is icing on the cake. For them, that is. As a viewer, I’d find it icing on the cake if a team high on crack cocaine beat out eleven other teams on the leg. They’d fly up the Great Wall in two seconds and would only have their energy level and excitement be trumped by Jonathan Baker.
– Tyler wants to pinch himself to know that this is really happening. He talks about being in streets and gutters. I’ve never heard about gutters that can hold 175 pounds of muscle. It’s all about having fun.
– Tyler & James sign up for a 1200am charter.
JAMES: We’re gonna have a two hour lead on these guys.
TYLER & JAMES: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.
The editing doesn’t quite match up. What he said isn’t funny. It wasn’t even a bad joke. They must have cut to the laughter to show that they’re having a good time.
– Duke & Lauren depart thirteen minutes later at 917pm. Tyler & James did indeed dominate that wall.
DUKE: I can accept gays and lesbians. But when it’s my daughter, it makes you think a little bit differently.
For instance, that you don’t accept her because she’s gay or lesbian? Contradictory much.
LAUREN: I want him to see beyond my being gay.
Lauren, isn’t that asking for a little bit much? You mean you don’t want your homosexuality to define who you are? I don’t get it. And it’s really hot anytime you’re with your girlfriend. Like dang. That’s what I want to be around. Woman-on-woman. I can’t really think of much else you’d be useful for or really any other part of your personality that interests me.
– Peter & Sarah are next at 922pm. We heard about the hydraulic knee halfway through last leg, at the end of last leg, the start of this leg, and I bet again when they check out right here.
SARAH: Ride to Mongolia. I’ve blown out my hydraulic knee.
Eighth and ninth word she utters is about her hydraulic knee? Impressive.
– It’s still leaking but Sarah says it’s possible to get around. It’s like driving with a flat tire. The same statement we heard last round. What a well-rounded edit.
– Dustin & Kandice are fourth at 936pm. Dustin says they were randomly paired as roommates at Miss America. After the Pillow Fight Initiation, they realized they need each other at friends. In the competitive world where they live there isn’t a whole lot of people they can count on. Geez. It’s a pageant. Not the Sicilian Mafia. They sign up for the 1200am charter.
– Rob & Kim are next at 951pm. Kim talks about their 2-year relationship. They are deciding if their relationship will go to the next level. They are last on the 1200am bus.
ROB: Kimberly, give me the flashlight.
KIM (insanely screechy): HOLD ON!
What the f—? Did audio or editing distort the voice on purpose? It sounds nothing like Kim’s real voice. Nowhere near it. And they blare it on the audio too. It’s like the sound crew edited the clip so that Rob & Kim would sound more at each other’s throats then they really are.
For instance, if Rob & Kim’s volume in each of their clips is increased to 150% and the other teams are reduced to 75%, then guess what? We’re going to presume that they are the bickering couple.
What really happened
ROB: Kimberly, give me the flashlight please honey.
KIMBERLY: Hold on, I’ll get it in a second. Just too much in my bag.
ROB: KIMBERLY, GIVE ME FLASHLIGHT.
KIMBERLY: HOLD ON!!!!!!
– Rob & Kim are last on the bus.
– Kellie & Jamie depart at 956pm. Rob & Kim got to the charter sign-up in less than four minutes? I think it’d be more interesting if they made the charter sign-ups over a mile away. Such a simple solution to make the race a bit more challenging.
– Kellie thinks they have a strong relationship and that they motivate each other to do better. They sign up on the 200am bus. Tyler teases them. Erwin & Godwin leave at 702pm. Godwin knows it’s a competition but it’s also about building a relationship with others. Godwin wants to find the people that he can trust.
Godwin’s strategy is a very underrated one on TAR. Help people as much as you possibly can in a co-operative manner. Yes, you won’t be able to pick up first place most of the time, but you’ll put yourself in a position 99% of the time of not finishing last, which is the goal for the first twelve legs of the race.
However, where Godwin screwed up in the premiere is that he worked with another team when they were fighting for last place. This is when stopping to help others will eliminate you rather than help you. He may very well be the nicest racer to ever be picked for TAR.
– Tom & Terry are next at 1013pm. The first team to finish over an hour behind Tyler & James. Keep in mind that teams started the previous day between 700am and 730am. That means it was an extremely short second half despite finding a route marker, going to a detour, and climbing up a wall into the pit stop. They must have stuck to the same district of Beijing to finish so quickly.
– Tom says they’ve traveled independently but never together. They are embracing this challenge.
TOM & TERRY (reads clue): AMAZING!
They practiced to speak in unison. I bet hippies did it for two hours per day. Tom & Terry backed off and only did it enough for one lone word. Amazing.
– Lyn & Karlyn are next at 1019pm. I think they spent well over an hour on the wall. Karlyn wants to tell her daughter what she did after the race. That’s what she wants to take away from the race. Making her daughter jealous.
– David & Mary are last at 1029pm. So it’s less than ninety minutes from first to last. Close to a record I imagine.
DAVID: Put it up and we can get ready to jog in a little bit.
MARY: Why? We’re all on the same bus.
Pardon David. He has seen so many seasons of TAR that a jog was obligatory. No one questions the start of leg jog. Except Steve & Dave.
DAVID: She wouldn’t care if the president was standing right there, she’d tell him “you’re wrong”.
President Bush was in office at the time. At least now I know who was responsible for throwing the shoe during his speech.
You’re wrong, okay? So shut up!
– Tom & Terry, Lyn & Karlyn, and David & Mary sign up for the 200am charter.
-Another clip featuring Mary. So far she’s not used to new cars, hasn’t traveled the country, compares herself to a baby, and emphasizes that she’s from Kentucky where “we don’t have _____ in Kentucky”.
– So ready for production to present Mary as uncivilized as possible?
MARY: I am making friends with people I would’ve never thought in this world I would’ve met. I’ve never met an Asian man.
An Asian. Mary’s only Asian friend. Sorry Vipul, Arti, Bilal, and Sa’eed, but Mary doesn’t consider any of you to be her friend.
MARY (leans into camera): We’ve never been around gay people.
Shhhh. It’s okay. Your secret is safe with us. By us, I mean the millions of people who are watching at home and slamming you on the Internet. Or making fun of you six years after this episode aired.
This is oddly enough the closest position to heterosexuality that Tom has been.
MARY: But I like ’em!
I do too. But my taste and reasoning highly differs from yours, Mary. Just a gut feeling.
– Mary’s soliloquy is done. The 1200am bus is here. Peter recaps who is on the bus. It’s the teams who finished first through fifth. On the second bus are teams sixth through tenth. They dance outside and snap their fingers during the wait. Tom & Terry would have never expected for them to bond so close together. Awww. Isn’t this such a nice race? Hugs and kisses around! Muah muah muah muah muah.
– The bus arrives in Erenhot, China. From here the five teams buy tickets for a four o’ clock train. Dustin & Kandice say they need to do something conspicuously. They do not want to share their information and walk away. Tyler & James notice Dustin & Kandice walking. Tyler notices they snuck off to do some research.
– Tyler & James follows the Beauty Queens to where Dustin has borrowed a cell phone. Good luck finding out information about Ulaanbaatar in English over the phone.
– So Peter & Sarah take a relaxing seat outside the bus station. So does the camera operator.
And it’s a relaxing time to focus on Captain Hook. Because it’s not like we’ve grasped that Sarah has a hydraulic knee that is leaking fluid.
Northern China doesn’t get to see a Peter Pan play too often, so this is the closest they get to doing so. The crowd is larger than the ones Yolanda gathered in TAR 9. By the way, do you want to hear some of the most offensive quotes regarding disabilities in this segment?
PETER: It’s good having a physical disability.
PETER: We’re gonna use that to our advantage.
PETER: For 5 (currency) she will dance, run, and run back.
PETER: You gotta pay? No? No? Okay no show.
SARAH: They’d pay money at the zoo.
If they can get away with those statements, I can get away with Captain Hook.
“You don’t want to see my fake girlfriend the circus freak? What’s wrong with you? I’m questioning your morals for not paying up to see a one-legged woman dance for your amusement.”
– The second bus is at the train station. The two separate charter buses means squat because production has it set up for everyone to be on the same train. Good ol fashioned equalizer.
– The train travels through the Gobi Desert like it’s Marco Polo.
TYLER: I can’t imagine coming out here like in a normal life.
We get it. You did lines and were in trouble but recovered and now clean. Sigh.
TYLER: My wake up call came when I was arrested for a third time. I knew my life would be over whether it be in jail or death. And so everything that has happened in my life since then has been a dream.
Or a trip. 😉
– Welcome to Ulaanbaatar.
Ulaanbaatar–world renowned for its sculptures of scalene triangles.
– Peter & Sarah are first into a cab. Duke & Lauren. Rob & Kim.
– Cab goes through a puddle where water comes in through the window and hits Kim.
KIM: Ew, dirty water. Can I get diseases from dirty water?
Yes. Feel better now?
– Tyler & James are fourth and going in the opposite direction of other drivers. Tom & Terry are fifth. Tom & Terry’s cab is attempting to pass. Jamie brags that the lady who checked their passport wrote the address for the temple in Mongolian.
– Kellie & Jamie are first to the temple. But they read the sign that a ceremony occurs every ten minutes. Rob & Kim and Tom & Terry wait with them. Peter & Sarah and Duke & Lauren still haven’t shown up. The ceremony begins. They run until the Burger King guy tells them to stop. Kellie & Jamie dance while the ceremony happens.
– Terry reads that teams must choose an old Russian military jeep and drive themselves 43 miles to the village of Terelj and make their way to the river bed. Once there they must choose a pair of horses and ride 2 1/2 miles with a Mongolian nomad to find a meadow where their next clue is waiting.
An old Russian jeep? If I remember correctly from the Hungary leg in TAR 6 where they drove a similar small Soviet car, I would say that we should expect plenty of breakdowns.
– Kim makes an observation of Rob’s driving.
Meanwhile in Thailand. . .
Doesn’t appreciate Rob’s grinding.
– ROB: Babe, it’s not me it’s the car.
Ted tried to use the same explanation but nobody would listen. ;_;
– Kellie & Jamie get directions. There shall be signs, they are told. But on the road Jamie describes it as “way confusing”. Yeah. Way confusing.
– Peter & Sarah and Duke & Lauren wait outside the doors. So do David & Mary. Tyler & James discover they are taken to the wrong place. Second ceremony is over. Duke pulls over to ask for directions. They can’t understand anyone. Peter & Sarah have directions. Dustin & Kandice must have been at the second ceremony because they have directions too. Mary convinces a man to come along with them.
– Tom wants a map. Terry is scared because it’s a road to nowhere. Rob pulls over on a dirt road. Kim asks why he’s going that way. Kim has no choice but to sit in the back as Rob does everything per usual.
– Kellie & Jamie transcribe the worst directions possible. They write down “go around the circle and that way”. Kellie is still lost.
– Tyler & James they would have been there first if it weren’t for cabs. Welcome to The Amazing Race. They head into the ceremony with the Chos. David & Mary keep going on the highway and are happy to have the local with them.
They even have matching teeth.
– The third ceremony ends. Turns out Lyn & Karlyn are there too. All ten teams are done the ceremony. Considering ceremonies are ten minutes apart, it is safe to assume that all ten teams are within twenty minutes of each other. Close. However the train didn’t get in there until four o’ clock so I suspect an equalizer.
– Lyn & Karlyn have picked up a well versed Mongolian traveler.
Who happens to be American. Huge advantage. They drop him off.
KARLYN: They give you angels along the way.
Oh no. Not this Romber crap about ferns being angels. This is annoying.
– Terry gets out at a toll booth to ask where horseback riding is. He doesn’t speak Mongolian so he mimes it.
Next time just ask “where’s terelj, you know?”
– Terry is told left. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s wrong. Rob & Kim hit a dead end. Rob admits that Kim was correct, and that he 100 percent screwed it up. Kim would’ve been correct if she actually gave an instruction in the first place.
– Kellie says they had to start over with a map. Erwin & Godwin see the place. Duke gets clearer directions. Lyn & Karlyn are turning around and re-trace their steps. They wasted a perfectly good fern. That’s a first.
– Kellie utters “oooh doggie” when she is given perfect directions. Since when did my dad become a contestant on TAR?
– The first seven teams are excited about Terelj. Until Tyler notes that he feels like he is on another planet. Oh, and that they have a flat tire. Him and James get out and use the jack to replace it. James figures out that the jack is broken. Rob & Kim drive up and pull over. Tyler asks for their jack. Rob says this verbatim:
ROB: I can’t get it up, dude.
– Kim says that another car is coming and that they need to go. Both teams are still on the road. There is a narrow strip for teams to get through, however.
LYN: What’s going on?
KARLYN: Peace out! Gogogogo.
TYLER: Stop? Please?
KARLYN: Their tire is flat! That’s what they’re mad about! Screw them.
Nothing like committing social suicide in the second leg, ‘Bama. You had a perfectly good lead with enough terrible teams in the race that stopping for thirty seconds, or being polite in the slightest, would have been to your benefit. Now watch as teams will go out of their way to help each other for the sole purpose of getting you out. Count on it.
– Kellie & Jamie are driving until Jamie catches on that the car is stuck. Tyle thinks he’s done.
Broken Car Count: 2
– A random car comes through. Tyler & James asks the man in the top hat to change their tire and use the jack. The man does it in two seconds and they’re back on the road. Jamie repairs her car after a few minutes and is back on the road.
Repaired Car Count: 2
Something you rarely see.
– Peter & Sarah are not far from the route marker. Sarah makes an interesting move.
She is switching out her foot in case she needs to put her feet into a stirrup.
That’s a sentence I thought would never be typed in my life. She switches out feet like teams switch out players in a sporting event. You’ve gotta love technological advances. And did Sarah paint those toenails purple or did it come like that? Do they have feet that come in yellow nails?
– Peter & Sarah are first. They wear Mongol Horde hats with the needles on top. They aboard the horses. Dustin & Kandice put on the hats.
KANDICE: I’m Mongolian baby. Bring me some barbeque.
Besides scalene triangles, I can recall my summers spent in Ulaanbaatar doing a summertime cookout.
– David & Mary are stuck in the mud. He thinks that he can get out while Mary insists that he’s digging deeper. Sometimes you can get out but other times you do get deeper.
DAVID: No matter what she’s always right.
If you are crazy enough to believe that a tire that is FULLY SUBMERGED IN MUD will be able to drive itself out, then Mary will never be wrong about anything when you two argue.
– Luckily the tobacco smoking Mongolian man gets out and scouts for a tractor. Duke & Lauren passes them. Erwin & Godwin have the funny hats. Tom & Terry is ahppy to see a team stuck. Rob & Kim points them out. So does Lyn & Karlyn. They all have the funny hats.
KIM: Do horses smell fear?
ROB: No. Those are like bees and dogs.
Horses smell fear, taste prejudice, hear silence, and refuse the touch of Christopher Reeves and Joyce Agu.
KIM: I don’t like to ride horses have a mind of their own.
But yet horses are role models that you need, Kim.
ROB: Steer him. It’s just like a car.
Because cars have a mind of their own.
The horse smelled the fear and rode Kim into a Mongolian clothesline. How did Kim not see that glaring thick branch in the way? Her stupidity results into a fall on her back to the ground. A harder fall than Joyce Agu.
Pure comedy gold. If only the branch was a real clothesline.
– Lyn thinks her kids will be surprised that their mom is riding a horse. Kim is still on the ground. Jamie hopes to not be the bottom for the episode.
DUSTIN: There’s never been a girl-girl team to win the race before. This is not just a chance to win but to break the stereotype.
What stereotype? The only reason why the stereotype exists is because every all-female team keeps repeating that an all-female team needs to win or they suck. I hate the big deal over the lack of all-female winners.
The horse is dragging Kandice. See? All-female teams can’t do it on their own. I wonder if the horse bucked her off because he mistook her for a chipmunk?
– Peter & Sarah have the clue. It’s a detour. Take It Down or Fill it Up.
In Take It Down, teams choose one of these traditional nomad shelters and then they must take down the canvas walls and roofs and pack them properly. Then they must load them onto a camel.
TAR loves their close-ups of camels. What’s with the teeth though?
In Fill It Up, tea s choose a cart pulled by an indigenous animal known as a heineck. Then after leading their heineck cart to a river five hundred yards away, they must fill four metal buckets with water. Return to the nomad camp and fill this barrel with the water they collected. Once they fill the barrel to the designated line, a nomad will give them their next clue.
– Peter & Sarah choose to tear it down. Kandice pulls the horse to the finish to receive the clue. Sarah hates that sometimes you can’t control animals.
– Kandice, who was just pulled fifty feet by a horse, wants to pull the heineck. That is one brave soul. They drag the heineck to the stram. Kandice uses a ladle and cup while Dustin uses her right shoe. How many pairs of shoes does she have on the race? That’s going to be difficult to dry due to the nature of the race. So sweaty. So wet. What a nightmare that would be.
– Sarah looks at the example before folding the canvas. She talks to herself.
PETER: Don’t talk. Just focus on your task.
Translation: Sarah talking to herself to focus is bothering Peter’s ability to focus. But Peter would never admit that, right?
– Erwin & Godwin are too passive as Duke & Lauren are ready to pass them on the horses. Back on the road David & Mary requested a new car. Phil gives his first car troubles speech of the season. He says if a car breaks down through no fault of the team that a new car is provided without a time credit. However getting your car submerged in mud should definitely be your fault. It’s a loose rule, I have a feeling.
– Tyler & James are at the route marker. So are David & Mary. They know they’re ninth.
– Duke & Lauren choose to fold the canvas. David & Mary and Tyler & James launch themselves past Rob & Kim, Tom & Terry, and Lyn & Karlyn. Rob & Kim must have been paralyzed for a good thirty minutes because they are in ninth. Lyn & Karlyn are in eighth for unexplained reasons.
– Kellie & Jamie are last to the task and in dead last. Peter is stumped with the knots and announces he can’t match the knot system. He can’t stop shouting and breaking Sarah’s focus that he can’t do it.
PETER: We might have to change tasks.
SARAH: Oh my god. I hate quitting.
PETER (repeatedly claps): SARAH! C’MON! WE’LL BE ABLE TO REBOUND HERE!
Shut up Sarah and focus! LET’S MOVE SARAH CAUSE I CAN’T FOCUS WHILE I SHOUT AND CLAP!
PETER: I’m sorry Sarah, I don’t like to quit either, but this is not quitting.
Indeed. It’s just called a permanent hiatus.
– Lauren cries at the knots. Duke kisses her on the forehead and says it will be fine. She just needs to chill out. What a hip dad.
– Tyler & James and David & Mary, the two teams with enormous car troubles, rode a horse well enough to catapult themselves into fifth and sixth place. They both decide to fill it up.
PETER: Sarah, you’ve got to hold those jugs.
– The teams are struggling to keep the jugs on the cart. Tom & Terry choose to do the barrels. Lyn & Karlyn are folding the canvas. Rob & Kim are doing the carts too. Tyler & James pass Peter & Sarah. Peter’s heineck runs away from them. Far away.
PETER: Sarah, we did the best we could.
What an uplifting attitude.
PETER: Let’s just do it again. Sarah, if he runs again he is completely spooked and there’s nothing we can do about it.
SARAH: I know.
PETER: Sarah, this is fun. Let’s stop for a minute.
SARAH: We don’t need to stop. Let’s keep moving forward.
PETER: NO! I cannot move on with you like this. I need you–
SARAH: Stop lecturing me, Peter!
PETER: I need you–I need you–I need you–to be cool with me.
Even this Mexican d—-bag would jump naked off a pier if he found out somebody was cool with Peter.
– Sarah says she cries plenty of times on the race (in two episodes only?) but wants to keep moving forward. She hates Peter’s M.O. that results in them not being in sync.
– She picks up her jugs and puts them on the cart. Dustin & Kandice pour the water into the barrel but it’s not enough. Peter tries to slow down the heineck but it runs away. Sarah cries. Her and peter go back to the other task. Lyn & Karlyn suck at communicating in the moment as Karlyn tells her to shut up and do it if Lyn wants to be bossy. Erwin & Godwin, Tyler & James, and Tom & Terry all pour water into the barrel and go back for another trip.
– Dustin & Kandice finish up at the stream. They can’t find one of their helmets but thinks they don’t need it.
ROB: Gahhhh, owwww, gahhhhh, owwww. Stop!
KIM: Shut up!
ROB: You shut up! I say stop you stop.
Such a wide vocabulary. -_-
– Dustin & Kandice are done with the barrel. They are awarded the next clue. Kandice reads that they must drive 47 miles to Hotel Mongolia. Incidentally it is the only hotel in all of Mongolia. Here they will find their next clue. But first they must wear ALL safety gear provided as they ride back on their horses to the parking lot. Time to fetch a helmet. Luckily it can’t run away thousands of yards like a heineck.
– In an unusual twist, the guide that is part of production agrees to find the helmet. Are you serious? In any other similar situation this burden rests with the team. They are responsible for all gear and objects provided to complete the task. You’re never allowed to look at the camera operator and order them to find your binoculars in the parking lot or a clue you left on a banister.
This is bulls—, or camels—, or horses—-, or heinecks—.
– Erwin & Godwin receive their clue. But Godwin is missing his hat too. Duke & Lauren finish the knots that Peter refused to believe that could be completed. Way to be ahead of the game. Lyn & Karlyn give up but don’t quit on the task because they are doing Fill It Up. David & Mary says Lyn & Karlyn are their friends so they tell their friends to follow them to the stream.
– Dustin & Kandice ask Tom & Terry if they have seen a hat.
TOM: A hat? A pink hat?
Maybe Dustin & Kandice do need to break a stereotype after all.
– Peter & Sarah finish a task they once didn’t quit. They still have a shot at winning the leg after all that trouble.
KIM: Where are we going?
ROB: Left. Left. Left!
KIM: OKAY!! MAKE IT THROUGH THIS PLEASE.
KIM (hysterically sobbing): I can’t make it through this if you won’t stop yelling at me.
Maybe Dustin & Kandice do need to break a stereotype after all.
– Tyler & James are done in fourth. Erwin finds Godwin’s helmet. Duke & Lauren are first into the car thanks to Erwin & Godwin and Dustin & Kandice misplacing their hats.
– Dustin & Kandice cry. Kandice’s helmet has yet to be found. Stereotype not broken.
– Peter is proud of Sarah getting through the meltdown. Tyler is stoked they went from ninth to third place. Anything is possible in the game. Much like how anything is possible in their lives after rehab.
– Tom & Terry are done the detour in fifth. Rob & Kim are done in sixth. Rob apologizes for yelling but Kim says in her confessional that Rob cannot talk to her in that tone in their relationship.
– Kellie & Jamie see Dustin & Kandice pathetically saunter over. Kellie wonders if Dustin & Kandice gave up on the task.
JAMIE: I think they’re done and just chillin.
What? Does Jamie think that Dustin & Kandice are so relaxed that they are standing around to cheer on the other teams before leaving? Or casually watch the racers do the detour? Maybe wait to work with them to see who will finish last? It’s amazing how many mind-blowing things Kellie & Jamie have managed to utter in less than two full episodes.
– Dustin & Kandice continue to stand still as David & Mary finish filling up the barrel. They give a barrel to Lyn & Karlyn. How nice. The three all-female teams occupy eighth, ninth, and tenth. Breaking barriers, anyone?
– A MAN is bright enough to locate Kandice’s helmet. I suppose standing outside in the muddy weather didn’t help Dustin & Kandice locate it on their own. You have to love it when production intervenes to find Kandice’s helmet. I wish they would have shown where the helmet was on the race course. If anyone read an interview and knows the answer to this, I’d love to know.
– So Dustin & Kandice embrace before riding the horses. Lyn & Karlyn walk back to fill up a couple more barrels. They bring it back and finish. Kellie & Jamie complete loading up the camels. They get back on the horses and are right behind Lyn & Karlyn. Dustin & Kandice pass David & Mary on the horses.
DUSTIN: Who’s that?
KANDICE: I think those are the bumbkins.
Bumbkins? What does that mean?
So I looked up the word. It’s actually bumpkin.
A bumpkin refers to an awkward simple rustic. Also known as a yokel. Not the most flattering of nicknames for a team.
You may as well call them the Cletus Slack Jawed Yokels while you’re at it. It’s probably less offensive and more PG. I’m surprised I didn’t make a reference to Cletus in the season premiere, come to think of it.
– Dustin & Kandice compliment each other. David & Mary admit they are following Miss New York and Miss California. Peter & Sarah pass Duke & Lauren on the road. Duke needs to beef up his driving.
SARAH: We’re not last, Peter. You know what a smile that brings to my face?
It is easily the most difficult detour the show has seen in a long time if the first place team thinks they are sitting in ninth place. How do they not see eight other teams doing the tasks with them at the same time? It’s not like the camera operators, sound operators, producers, contestants, and Mongol Hordes are hard to miss.
– Tyler & James pass Duke & Lauren on the road.
You can take off that bandana. Everyone knows you’re not a bada– anymore after seeing your less than stellar driving ability.
– Kellie & Jamie and Lyn & Karlyn get into their cars at the same time. The suspense music plays. Except it turns into the skate chase scene from Blades of Glory. Why? Because NEITHER team can get their car started. They’re both frantically wanting to get on the road but are instead stuck unable to go anywhere. Leg three could start by the time these two teams check in. It’s like Becky & Sundra being unable to make fire and we’re forced to sit for hours and hours until someone succeeds.
– Erwin & Godwin’s car breaks down. They flag down a flatbed truck. Tom & Terry pass them in the meantime. Terry complains that they don’t know how to fix a car so they drive by. Rob & Kim pass too, and after yelling at other teams for not helping with their own car troubles, Rob & Kim proceed to drive by Erwin & Godwin without the slightest bit of sympathy.
Geez Godwin, I don’t know if our strategy of helping the other teams at all costs is doing us any good.
– Dustin & Kandice pass too and say ‘sorry’ to the Chos in the meantime. David & Mary pass ’em too. Erwin bows before the Mongolian who finishes fixing the car. However the man doesn’t acknowledge and walks right by. Pwned.
– Godwin proclaims he loves Mongolia right now and says that the bow disser is a good man. I suppose. Halfway.
– Kellie & Jamie and Lyn & Karlyn both have dead batteries. Kellie & Jamie are the first to get a jumper. They drive away. Lyn & Karlyn remain behind to work on a crank. A random man from the field comes to help without being asked. He succeeds. It happens to be the same guy who just finished Kellie & Jamie’s. So Lyn & Karlyn must be at least ten minutes behind.
– Peter & Sarah and Tyler & James pull into the hotel. There’s only eight minutes left in the episode. This is a very late roadblock. Peter brags to the druggies that he knew he wouldn’t lead them in the wrong direction. Peter fails to grasp that Tyler & James don’t care.
– TYLER: Who’s ready to aim high?
In this roadblock that person must take part in an ancient Mongolian training exercise–using a traditional bow, teams must shoot a flaming arrow into a target on the ground 160 feet away. Once the flaming arrow ignites the target, the teammate will run to the pavilion. This is the pit stop for this leg of the race.
He’s happy to not be doing this roadblock.
– Peter is doing it. He gives it a shot. It barely clears the barrier. Tyler is the other person doing it. Peter hits the target on what appears to be his second shot. Him and Sarah run to the mat.
Kublai Khan’s third wife’s daughter’s niece welcomes them to the pit stop.
– Phil breaks it to them that they are team number one. Despite a heineck deserting them twice. They have each won a Kodak EasyShare digital camera.
Nah, I’m just pulling your leg.
Not what I meant.
– They have won a trip for two from Travelocity in Mexico’s tropical paradise. They get to swim with dolphins.
PHIL: Did you imagine you’d be two legs into the race and be first?
I think Sarah anticipated being one leg into the race and being first. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA.
– Peter says his “perseverance” and never giving up (didn’t he suggest to switch detours twice?) and that they have their moments but it’s a team.
SARAH: There are things I’m learning about Peter and not always impressed with that and I make no judgments. But I am making note of it.
Saying you’re not impressed is making a judgment. Just sayin’.
– Only six minutes left in the episode. Tyler keeps missing. The instructor tells him to go higher. Tyler finishes. They are second before any teams get there. Lauren is doing the roadblock. Kellie gets directions and finds out that they must turn around. They drive past Lyn & Karlyn who are driving in the opposite direction. So who is driving further into oblivion?
– Tom is doing the roadblock. Him and Lauren face off. Lauren misses several arrows. A Mongol laughs at Tom’s inability to shoot the arrow. Lauren connects. Her and Duke excitedly run to the pit stop. Third place. Hoo-rah. Tom is much closer to the target. He barely misses three before connecting. He hugs the Mongol before him and Terry run to the pit stop.
TERRY: Talk to us.
PHIL: I’ll talk to you. You’re team number four.
Since when did Phil talk with a New Yorker dialect?
– Dustin and Kim are doing the roadblock too. Kim and Rob scream at each other before Rob shuts up. David & Mary are at the task. David is doing the roadblock. David is doing AWFUL with the bow and arrow a few tries before clearing the wall.
They don’t have bows and arrows in Kentucky, I can tells ya that.
– Dustin is first to connect of these three. Rob tells Kim that she has to do it now. Erwin & Godwin are at the roadblock. Dustin & Kandice are fifth.
– Rob coaches Kim how to do it. Micromanagement. Kim fails horrendously. In this eight second exchange I count four “babe’s”. No joke. Someone needs to make a YouTube video of every time these two use the word “babe”.
– David keeps missin’. Erwin barely misses. I’ve never seen that much emotion from Godwin as Erwin is unable to connect. Kim makes it. Rob has an interesting reaction.
ROB: GET OVER HERE!
– David lands the arrow. Mary whines that she twisted her ankle. They are reduced to walking. Rob & Kim are sixth. Karlyn doesn’t know what place she is in and hopes to make up some time. All I can say is that she is ninth or last and that there is very little time left to get ahead because David & Mary check in at seventh place. Erwin completes the roadblock. Chos barely escape elimination once again with an eighth place finish. So much for the whole misconception of alpha males having to be dominating no matter what.
– Suspense to see who will pull into the roadblock first. Who drove in the right direction? It’s Lyn & Karlyn. Lyn is doing it because it’s her turn. Kellie & Jamie pull over to ask for directions. They are told to go the other way. I have a feeling they are a solid hour behind.
JAMIE: Today is our stupid day.
I don’t even want to know what they classify a day where they are stumped if Muslims pray to Buddha.
– Lyn is doing awful. She misses several times. Karlyn is coaching her but Lyn is hearing none of it.
– Jamie & Kellie aren’t ready for their race to end yet. Lyn succeeds with the arrow. Ninth place is locked down. They are ninth. Note that there is plenty of daylight.
– One second later we see Jamie doing the roadblock as it approaches sundown. We fast forward a greater chunk of time to it being pitch black. Kellie coaches Jamie. Jamie is missing several more arrows. She says she is so weak and hugs Kellie. She quits the task. They walk over to Phil and check in.
JAMIE: I’m not one to quit but there’s no way I could do it.
I think all of these teams need to be armed with a dictionary and understand what the word ‘quit’ means.
– I bet if they had a perfect day of driving that they’d be eliminated regardless. That was a huge chunk of daylight that was wasted. They are in total darkness now. They learned to rely on each other and why they bonded so much and brought them closer together. End of episode.
Next time on TAR: Vietnam is revisited for the first time in seven seasons. That means special flags to avoid confusion with the exterminated South Vietnam flag. We go to a new region of Vietnam and witness a much more island-like leg take place. There is a very creative roadblock that forces teams to fork over a ton of money to complete the task. One could say this is another unique twist for the TAR franchise.
Bulls— Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
7th Dave & Lori 5.83
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th Fran & Barry 4.89
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
4th Monica & Joseph 3.50
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
3rd Weaver Family 3.15
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF
Rank the Teams
1) Bilal & Sa’eed
This team was heavily promoted prior to the season. A Muslim team?! They’re really going to pull over on the side of the road to pray no matter the circumstances? How long can they last? How will other teams react? Has the U.S. truly evolved and are acceptable of all people? How will the Christian right react in terms of viewership?
These were the questions waiting to be answered as we were set to begin The Amazing Race. However all of this remains a mystery to this day thanks to the biggest bulls—-ing twist of the bulls—.
So what did we get out of it? These were Cleveland sports fanatics who happened to pray towards Mecca. Sa’eed brought nothing to the table but it was Bilal who delivered. He lasted only half an episode but his interviews were always entertaining. His refusal to shake a cheerleader’s hand will stick out.
“But it doesn’t say that this was a pIT STOP!”
That quote alone is enough to put them above last.
2) Kellie & Jamie
We’ve seen several teams cast over the years who are supposed to be like a pair of Reese Witherspoons from Legally Blonde. It started with Heather & Eve in TAR 3, Godlewskis in TAR 8, and Danielle & Dani in TAR 9. Here we are in TAR 10 and Kellie & Jaime are “just another team”. They probably surpassed a huge chunk of teams for dumbest quotes ever uttered. What is more impressive is they did this in two short episodes.
Is Allah apart of Buddhism? Are they way confused? Go around the circle then turn as perfect directions?
Yeah, the list would be much longer if they stuck around. But they don’t. So this was it. And I feel after everything is said and done that they’ll be ranked fairly low. They needed a stronger personality.
3) Vipul & Arti
These two were tough to write about. Arti looks like Princess Jasmine. . .and that’s all I could come up with in this blog. These two got along and had their romantic future set in stone. Nothing compelling happened to them on the race. They sucked for the first half of the episode as well as the second half. Their elimination is a generic bad taxi and a mistake on a couple tasks.
In other words, they weren’t terribly competitive and were doomed to be bottom feeders. Unlike Bilal & Sa’eed, these two had the luxury of playing until the pit stop before being eliminated in the opening round.
I like both of them. I’ve even talked to Vipul on Facebook a couple times. Both of them are huge TAR fans. But TV wise? For one episode it’s tough to be “OMG I want these two to win!”.
I imagine if these two lasted until the end that they would be massive fan favourites, but like most of the nicer couples who go early, it’s best they go at the beginning if they won’t be with us at the end.
Rank the Legs
1) Beijing -> Ulaanbaatar (There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that there was an enormous equalizer. The good news is that it occurred before any route markers in the episode.
This episode featured Peter & Sarah for the second leg in a row. It is one of the most negative episodes I have seen for a team. The one-legged circus and Peter literally not understanding the meaning of ‘quit’ were two great storylines. It is perfect timing for me to re-watch this round as the Paralympic games are in full swing.
We also got to see a brand new country in the Genghis Khan homeland of Mongolia. It was a surprisingly challenging round. Teams either struggled with directions, operating the car, avoiding the hazardous mud, riding horses, guiding heinecks, folding tents, and firing arrows. Following how much the leading position changed was truly remarkable. I can’t recall a time where after each task it felt like the whole line-up of teams had shuffled.
We managed to hate Rob & Kim a bit more as they abused the word ‘babe’. Eight times for the whole episode? Their ironic reactions to breaking down and seeing a different team break down was classic.
Plenty of other storylines are set up. Dustin & Kandice want to be a strong female team but they crumble and cry when they make such a silly mistake. Erwin & Godwin’s kindness nearly eliminated them for the second round in a row. David & Mary’s lack of world and social experiences put them at a disadvantage. Rob & Kim’s bickering will set them back. And Tyler & James finding new joy in life. Isn’t that incredible how we get that many stories that will play out all season long? And we learn the origin of Rob & Kim’s conflict with Lyn & Karlyn. The friendship between Chos, Lyn & Karlyn, and David & Mary are present too.
Kellie & Jamie are a decent second boot seeing how nobody was taking them seriously, and us as viewers didn’t want to see stupidity like that rewarded for too long.
Plus it benefits from not having an extremely unfair elimination like we witnessed in the season premiere. That helps too.)
2) Beijing -> Seattle. Woops. Reverse it. Seattle -> Beijing. (There was plenty of comedic material to work with in the opening round. Water guns in an airport are busted out by the Cho Bros. Ironic quotes uttered by nearly every single team. The shocking nature of heading west to begin the race was a bonus.
But then the bad came. Taxis were abused once we entered China. And then Bilal & Sa’eed’s elimination came. It was worse than scaling down of Fast Forwards and Yields. Or the non-eliminations in seasons 1-4 when teams managed to get off scot free. It was random and served no other purpose than to “set the tone” that would be quickly erased for the remainder of the season.
Then there’s Peter who made me want to punch my TV screen on multiple occasions. I don’t know Sarah. Are you okay Sarah you can do it Sarah Oh sarah i dont know sarah. God. Shut your face.
The tasks weren’t that bad. Climbing into the pit stop was creative. In addition this was the first premiere to feature a roadblock (other than the unaired one in TAR 1). But all of that is overshadowed by the injustice of eliminating Bilal & Sa’eed.)