TAR 9 episode 3 ranking

Third leg

Previously on TAR: Ten teams set out from Sao Paulo, Brazil. Eric & Jeremy started flirting with Danielle & Dani. At a physically demanding roadblock, Eric & Jeremy and BJ & Tyler took the lead while sisters Lisa & Joni, Fran & Barry, and Danielle & Dani fell behind. Fran helped Danielle overcome her fear of heights to swiftly repel to her teammate. Teams ventured into the Brazilian countryside that was either sugar and spice or water and strength. Fran & Barry struggled but finally made it to the top and had major bad luck. BJ & Tyler beat Eric & Jeremy for first place. While Lisa & Joni never mastered driving their car or working together. In the end Fran & Barry recovered while the sisters arrived last. Now nine teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

– Intro time. Is it just me or are the recaps getting longer? That clocked in at 100 seconds. I love how only half the teams were mentioned in the recap. Not only that but were mentioned over and over again. I suppose the editing is setting us up in a certain direction.

– We are introduced to Brotas. It is a small farming community built on Brazil’s coffee trade. It is a picturesque coffee plantation.

– While at the pit stop, Eric & Danielle and Dani & Jeremy had a fatal four-way. Will this relationship turn into a powerful alliance? And will Fran & Barry, the oldest team in the race, get out of last place?

– BJ & Tyler, who arrived first at 448pm, will depart at 448am. BJ reads that they must travel three miles to an anonymous farm. Once here they will take a ride on a 300 foot zipline. That is a very tourist-friendly farm. They must drive to the marked entrance before getting onto the zipline. The ‘fun’ music plays as BJ & Tyler talk about themselves. Eric & Jeremy depart next at 501am. They have 307 bucks for this leg of the race. They are going to a place that is very expensive. Jeremy spanks Eric’s butt repeatedly before getting into the VW.

JEREMY: This old beast has been going the distance for us. I think we should name it Danielle #3.

I thought they named it Danielle #3 because both of them can ride inside the VW at once.

– MoJo check out at 518am. Monica has never seen Joseph be so optimistic. Joseph manages to cram all of their bags into the trunk. Dave & Lori are next at 528am. Neither of them have traveled much outside of the US. They read the map before driving to the farm. Lori talks about identifying driving through the countryside because she is from Kansas. Oh great. Another one of those ‘from rural to world’ stories on TAR. As if we needed any more of those. Surely that stops in TAR 10?

– BJ & Tyler find the marker. So do Eric & Jeremy. It is closed. The hippies announce that it is open at 700am. Eric & Jeremy discuss not trusting the hippies and finding them to be a bit shady. Meanwhile the hippies hide on the side of the road so they can scare Eric & Jeremy.

That’s the best wakeup call one could ask for at the start of a new leg.

I don’t think Jeremy needs any more coffee from the plantation. He’s awake. Trust me.

Tyler proceeds to hitchhike to Brazil. What a true hippie. Not only is he hitchhiking, but he is hitchhiking to a country he is already inside.

– MoJo are next to the route marker. BJ & Tyler proceed to grope Dave & Lori’s car.

It’s not the first time the hippies have scarred a VW for life. I saw it on a 20/20 special.

– 631am arrives which leads to the beginning of Ray & Yolanda’s journey. They recap their long-distance dating and how they will get to know each other better. Wanda & Desiree are next to depart. Wanda is nervous about the zipline and hopes her stomach can handle it. Desiree pipes in that her mom can overreact in tense situations and that her role will be to keep the team focused and calm.

– 700am is here. The teams run out. Hippies lead out first and start a military jog chant.

BJ: I don’t know but I’ve been told a zip kinds. . .zip lines. . . . .

. . . . . .

– Lake & Michelle are next at 706am. Lake thinks Michelle is seeing the game that he saw after the first leg. Whatever that means. I suppose it means that Michelle is going to be as intense as he is on the race. Good luck on that happening. He is frustrated with her because she likes to play it safe. They go over a pothole.

MICHELLE: Oh god dangit. That just killed my a–.

Well at least we know not to blame Eric & Jeremy for this condition because we know neither of them are capable.

– Double D a minute later. They say they are playing with their hearts first, body second, then boobs and butt. Doesn’t boobs and butt fall under the body category? Lake & Michelle drive to the farm.

MICHELLE: You gonna take a right?
LAKE turns left.
LAKE: Why are you turning left?
LAKE: Shhh. Shut it.
MICHELLE: I’m just asking you.
LAKE: Shhh.

Aw hell naw. Michelle just got talk to the hand’d, dag gummit!

– And where does Lake’s unilateral decision take them? They drive right into the trees. Lake screws up on the very first turn. BJ & Tyler meanwhile suit up for the zipline. Tyler is first to do it followed by BJ. They receive their next clue.

Tyler reads that they must fly 7, 300 miles to Moscow, Russia. Founded during the 12th century it is the country’s largest city and the seat of the political power. Once in Moscow they must find Chaika Bassein. It is a facility once used to train Olympic athletes in High Dive. There is a note that teams must drive to the Brotas bus station and pull a ticket for the next available departure time to Sao Paulo. Tyler and BJ read the second half of the clue in complete unison.

Production would point out that military marching with guns is part of the Russian culture. The USSR image has carried on to the 21st century, evidently.

BJ and Tyler voluntarily do a celebratory headbutt. Oddly enough, Tyler grimaces in pain afterwards. They explain that TTOW is their power word. It is the circle of the universe. I’ll get more out of you by the end of the season. I know it.

– Eric & Jeremy are done. They have a much milder reaction to going to Russia. So is MoJo’s. Lori is freaking out on the zipline. Ten bucks says it will be the commercial break. Nope. She does it right away.

DAVE: This is so goooood.

Okay, Amber.

– The hippies are ready to drive to the bus station. But first. . .

Spin move!

– MoJo greet Rayray and Yoyo on the way out. It’s nobody’s nickname for them on the race. Just easier to type on a keyboard. Double D know they are close by. Lake on the other hand does not know where to go. Because he is tired of asking people in Spanish or Portuguese or Brazilian or whatever the heck language they speak in Brazil, Lake comes up with a unique strategy.

Stand on top of the car and get a clear view of what is about thirty feet around them in all directions. I hear the top of the VW is a great source of elevation.

MICHELLE: Lake get off the car. You’re popping the hood.

LAKE: If you don’t shut up. . .
MICHELLE: We’re getting killed.

– Over an hour later Fran & Barry depart in dead last. 824am. Fran says they will give it their all and they are hot to trot. Ray & Yo are done the task after Yolanda was frightened. Desiree warns us in advance that she will pee her pants. Okay, Joni. They complete the task. No word on the release of urine.

– Hippies, MoJo, and Eric & Jeremy have a ticket for the 915am. Dave & Lori are at the station. BJ psyches them out and points to the wrong side for the sign then corrects them. Oh you jokester BJ. Dave & Lori are on the 915am.

– Wanda & Desiree and Ray & Yo are on the 1000. Lake asks Danielle if they are fifteen minutes behind as Double D are done the zipline. They confirm it.

LAKE: Fly to freakin’ Russia! Jack Gumhouse I was hoping we didn’t have to go to Russia. Moscow, Russia? It’s going to be freezing cold.

– Double D have a 1000 ticket.

JEREMY: Why do you guys have all those stickers on your shirt?
DANIELLE: What stickers?
ERIC: Here. I’ll get it. Let me see that.

Well played.

DANI: We got to know the boys a lot better at the pit stop.

And it looks like they got to know you.

– Fran & Barry are done the task. BJ & Tyler, Eric & Jeremy, MoJo, and Dave & Lori board the 915am bus and are away to Sao Paulo. Lake wants Michelle to read the clue again.

LAKE: Read the clue one more time.
MICHELLE: I’m going to punch you in the mouth.

I don’t think anyone’s role in this team is to calm each other down.

– Lake & Michelle are on the 1000am bus.

DOUBLE D: There’s another bus.
LAKE: There’s three buses?

Uh oh, it’s starting. . .


– Michelle realizes she forgot her fanny pack and took it off in the VW. Lake warns her never to do that again. Michelle doesn’t want to argue over something so stupid because she did not in fact end up losing it.

MICHELLE: Are you going to hush?
LAKE: Michelle, don’t be a b—- now.

Apparently arguing with your husband over a fanny pack makes you harder than Captain Falcon. That’s right. I just made my first ever nipples based joke in this blog.

P.S. I promise it will also be the last.

– The second bus departs. Fran & Barry take a ticket for the 1045am bus. They see no other teams and clue in that they are dead last. Therefore it’s a 4-4-1 spread between the three buses that depart 45 minutes apart.

– The first bus is at the Sao Paulo airport. Hippies begin their airline expedition by going to the Lufthansa counter.  They buy tickets from Sao Paulo to Moscow. It’s easy to book tickets in South America’s biggest airport. The first flight gets into Moscow at 1210pm.

LAKE: Senorita?
MICHELLE: I don’t think senorita is the right word.

Dang that tricky Portuguese.

– All nine teams are on the 1210pm flight to Moscow. Remember in TAR 5 where flying from Patagonia to St. Petersberg was like pulling teeth and put teams like ten hours from first to last across four flights? Yeah. I miss those days. This airport session is about ten minutes.

– On the flight Dani gets directions to the swimming pool from a passenger on the flight. She goes to the back of the plane and writes it down for Eric & Jeremy. Eric rubs and pats her head like a dog.

That’s a good b—-.

– And here we are in Moscow. More intense music plays to reflect the intense nature of Mother Russia. Fran & Barry mime the act of swimming before getting into a cab. The driver eventually nods and complies. All nine teams get into cabs. Dave & Lori and Joseph & Monica share a cab. Lake complains about how cold it is. He ain’t lyin’!

– JOSEPH: This guy is hauling balls.

My favourite new expression.

– Double D are sharing a cab with Eric & Jeremy. Danielle knows how to say ‘go fast’ in Russian. Tyler comments that Russia was the bitter cold that killed Napolean’s troops. Monica comments that she knows Russians only drink and smoke a lot. I guess we all know a unique piece of Russian trivia.

Feel free to go to the website and e-mail that address. I’m just as curious as you are if it is still active.

– The hippies are first to the clue inside the pool. It is a roadblock. ‘Who wants to take the plunge?’. Tyler volunteers. Phil explains that racers will suffer through the same conditions as Russia’s champion High Divers experienced during winter training. They will put on a bathing suit and plunge ten metres into the water. They will swim to the opposite side and grab a clue underneath the water. Dang that’s cold.

– Yolanda is doing the roadblock. She volunteers for it. However she can’t swim and claims she sinks. Besides my typical ‘way to break the reality TV stereotype joke,’ why volunteer for a roadblock at a SWIMMING POOL? You should know what you’re getting yourself into. Seriously. What do you think the roadblock is going to be? Tyler is done the roadblock.

– Tyler reads that teams must travel three miles to the 408 year old Novodevichiy Monastery. Once on the grounds teams must find the cathedral of the virgin of some place. So many references to human sexuality that even RyLis would cringe. Here is where they will find their next clue. And away they go.

– Lake says Michelle will take the plunge.

LAKE: You need to do it.
MICHELLE: I can’t do it.
LAKE: Why not?
MICHELLE: Cause I might have to do it naked!
LAKE: Okay, I’ll do it.

Which is more insulting? Michelle isn’t willing to do what it takes to win or how quickly Lake was willing to avoid seeing Michelle naked?

– Double D and Eric & Jeremy have their clue. Dave & Lori and MoJo are next there. Wanda & Desiree comment on how impressive the scenery is as they are dead last to the clue. Wanda will do it.

– Barry is second to complete the roadblock.

FRAN: The clue is underwater.


– So we see Barry use the worst technique possible to dive underwater. He needs another try before grabbing it. The hippies have a cab. Barry changes. Ray tells us that it was the one thing Yolanda was scared of before the race. Michelle, locals, and other racers encourage Yolanda to do it. Everyone is waiting for her to do it. The whole crowd cheers. We see a pause before she emerges out of the water. I have never seen somebody wave their arms so frantically in the water. She gets the clue too miraculously.

– Lake is next do it. Jeremy wants Eric to do a flip but no fancy diving from Eric. My brother totally would have dove. And hey, Eric has both of his nipples pierced! Dani does the dive too. Yolanda is freezing.

– DRIVER: We going?
ERIC: The pretty girls, with the big boobies?
DRIVER: Yes, yes.
ERIC: They’re coming with you.

– Lake hates wearing the Speedo and wishes Michelle would have done it. He hated looking so white. Michelle thought he looked good in it and thinks that Lake would not have been happy with her wearing a bathing suit in front of all of those people.

– Double D and Eric & Jeremy are back in their cab. Monica completes the roadblock. Lori causes a big splash as she hits the water. Wanda plugs her nose as she crashes into the water. She swims over to grab goggles from Desiree. Wanda has a fear of deep water. Again. It is a swimming pool. How do you pick the person who HATES MORE THAN ONE INCH OF WATER TO DO A ROADBLOCK?!!!

She swims about one inch and comes back up. She is completely fine with being a frozen icicle. In fact she may be a frozen solid before getting the clue. That’s how determined she is to not dive more than an inch. She doesn’t know how to get underwater. Good grief this is painful to watch.

NOTE: My mom’s biggest fear is deep water as well. She only goes up to her shoulders. The odd thing is that she was the best swimmer in her class and is extremely fit for the water. So why the fear? Because she watched the movie Jaws. And has seen the movie Jaws ever since. My guess is Wanda is in that same age group of mothers who watched Jaws too many times when they were younger.

What have you done.

– Desiree coaches her to kick herself into the water. Wanda does it for about two seconds before re-emerging. The hippies get directions and have the clue. Tyler says they should silently check out the place before they open the clue. Religious music commences as we see a montage of the cathedral.

TYLER: Time to pay the bills.

Heh. They compared grabbing a clue from the clue box as grabbing mail from a mail box. Good one.

– Detour. Scrub or scour. In scrub, teams will travel to a trolley depot and wash an entire Moscow trolley. In scour, teams travel to a theatre and search through 1, 500 multi-piece Russian nesting dolls to find one of ten microscopic clues. Strength versus luck? I have a Russian nesting doll but it is of the 1993 Chicago Bulls roster.

– The hippies head for the depot. Fran & Barry, Ray & Yolanda and Lake & Michelle see the cathedral. Double D figure out that they left their fanny pack with their passports, money, and clues at the roadblock. So they exit the cab as Eric & Jeremy continue onwards. Jeremy comments that it is a “stupid, stupid, stupid” and huge mistake. Double D are stuck on the main drag looking for a cab.

– Yolanda thinks cathedrals are usually big. Eric & Jeremy run inside gingerly. I guess they didn’t completely violate the whole sacred religious rules that appear universally. Lake & Michelle, Fran & Barry, Ray & Yolanda, and Eric & Jeremy all have the clue. Lake wants to scrub. He directs Ray to the box. So do Eric & Jeremy. The cab has an interesting reaction to Eric wanting to go to Trolley Park. Particularly because the cab driver does not speak any English. They give up on communicating with the cab driver. Lake & Michelle’s cab isn’t fairing much better.

– Ray & Yolanda’s cab driver knows exactly where the theatre is for the nest dolls. Ray & Yolanda themselves know where it is because they saw the sign for it as they exited the airport. Lake & Michelle and Eric & Jeremy overhear the driver acknowledge where Ray & Yolanda want to go. So what ends up happening? Lake & Michelle and Eric & Jeremy tell their cab drivers to follow Ray & Yolanda.

The best part about this situation is that two teams think that riding coattails will get them ahead but lo and behold it will take them to the opposite task. That is a lesson in how karma operates, Desiree.

– Michelle warns Lake that they might be going to the opposite detour. At least she caught onto the situation. Double D are still in transit back to the roadblock. Meanwhile Wanda successfully does the roadblock on her 100th attempt. Boston Rob would have done it 96 attempts earlier. Desiree is proud of her mom for conquering her biggest fear–diving to the bottom of a swimming pool.

Desiree’s definition of swimming to the bottom of the pool is where you stretch out doing a somersault and barely flatten out your arms. Her feet are above the water for crying out loud. I’d say that clue isn’t more than five feet down. Most swimming pools are nearly twice that depth.

She ain’t conquered s—.

– The audience cheers. Didn’t Russia help out Puerto Rico during the Cold War? Wanda & Desiree see Double D (or as Desiree calls them, the ‘Pinks’) return to the pool. We see a highly edited hand grab a blatantly obvious fanny pack that takes up the screen. There is no doubt this scene was re-worked in post-production. This means the camera crew failed on site. Danielle is on the verge of summoning the whambulance.

– MoJo and Dave & Lori are doing the trolley. The hippies figure out that the cab driver did a complete circle. They get out and ask for directions from about ten people including a truck that takes off when the hippies approach them. Fran & Barry stop to see the hippies on the road. Fran & Barry ask people on their own and decide to switch to the opposite detour. The hippies know they are wasting precious time and choose to go to Dubrovka Theater too. Trolley Park must be in a relatively unknown neighbourhood in Russia.

– The leading three teams are at Dubrovka Theater.

ERIC: Why didn’t you guys go to a damn car wash?
MICHELLE: We wanted to.
LAKE: You said you were going to the car wash.
ERIC: We tried but we were following you guys.
JEREMY: This was Ray & Yolanda’s dumb idea.
YOLANDA: You guys should have picked your own damn detour.

If I was a racer, that would probably be the most memorable experience for me all season. Seriously, what are the odds of a situation with three teams playing out in the most poetic and funniest way possible? That dialogue exchange is one of the best in terms of friendly banter.

Ron Swanson has no opinion on this matter.

– Dave & Lori look for the evasive trolley park. Joseph wonders what the heck the driver is doing. Maybe production shouldn’t set up a detour task in a place that no taxi driver in all of Moscow can find.

WANDA: El trunk?
DESIREE: He’s Russian, not Spanish.

Spanish, Portuguese, Russian. We’ve established they’re all the same.

– Double D are last into the cathedral. They saw Wanda & Desiree in their cab on the way out. They are in the middle of the road hailing a taxi. Every taxi they have run into is occupied or doesn’t know where either detour place is. Eventually they find a taxi. Dani tells it to go fast in Russian.

– Jeremy makes a farting noise with the Russian dolls. I was guilty of that too. . .when I was six years old! Lake takes time to curse at dolls.

I–I don’t get it. I’ll go back to solving the TTOW mystery. That sounds easier than a rotten mammy jammer.

– Eric repeats over and over that he has found one clue to Jeremy. Jeremy finally listens and udders a ‘holy cow bro’.  Lake asks to see it but Eric says they can’t do it. Lake finds the clue two seconds later. Eric says he will see them in a bit.

– Eric reads that they must find Phil outside the St. Basil Cathedral at the Red Square.

– Michelle concludes it was quicker than the car wash and Lake is pumped. Eric & Jeremy are in a cab too.

– MoJo and Dave & Lori’s shared cab turns around yet again. Lori says it all looks like nothing. Their lead is destroyed as Wanda & Desiree and Double D are both at Trolley Park. Somehow two cabbies know where Trolley Park is and it happens to be the two trailing cabs. Danielle wishes she was in Brazil because her hands are freezing. Desiree says it has not been a good day. If she saw what has been happening to the other cabs then she may have a change of opinion.

– Fran & Barry are at the detour. The four of them complain about how annoying the music is and how it breaks your concentration. Ray has the clue. The hippies just got to the theatre and ask Ray if the detour is inside. Ray confirms it for them and couldn’t look happier that a leading team got lost in the cab.

– Wanda & Desiree and the Double Ds are at the detour. MoJo and Dave & Lori see the flag and start cleaning a trolley. Wanda & Desiree and Double D can’t believe that two teams are behind them and have catapulted them into the running. Wanda & Desiree ask if they’re good but the judge says they have missed a spot on top.

– Back at Dubrovka Theatre. . .

A young boy simultaneously limbos and does the kankan. It makes me want to put my hands together.

BJ: Can you do a lucky dance for me? A lucky find the clue-y dance?
TYLER sees the clue.

– Fran & Barry ask where they found it. Tyler says it is in the smallest one.

BARRY: It’s impossible.

You mean a team that misses this:

Can miss that:

Yep. They’re bone’d.

– Eric & Jeremy are at Red Square. Harsh military theme picks up. Lake & Michelle are out of their cabs too. Both teams struggle but then see Phil at the mat.

PHIL: Eric & Jeremy. . .

PHIL: I’m wearing my first turtleneck in two seasons. Do you like it?

– Phil informs them that Eric & Jeremy are still racing but that they are still racing. They don’t have much of a reaction as we see a closing shot of St. Basil’s Cathedral. End scene.

Next time on TAR: In the earliest non-elimination leg to date in TAR’s history, will it change anything? Or will teams at the back of the pack end up in last place regardless? And how meaningless will Moscow prove to be when the possibilities of a post-To Be Continued equalizer lie ahead?

Seeing as how no teams were eliminated, I’ll save Rank the Legs, Rank the Teams, and Team Averages for next round.

Lake&Michelle 1.0
Danielle& Dani 1.2
BJ&Tyler 0.1
Ray&Yolanda 3.1
Joseph&Monica 1.1
Eric&Jeremy 4.2
Fran&Barry 1.2
Wanda&Desiree 0.2
Dave&Lori 0.1

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