TAR 9 episode 2 ranking

Second leg

Previously on TAR: Eleven teams of two set out from Colorado’s Red Rock Amphitheatre and flew nearly six thousand miles to Sao Paulo, Brazil. Friends Eric & Jeremy and best friends BJ & Tyler surged ahead and took a ride over the city in search of a clue. Married parents Fran & Barry kept walking by the clue box. While lifelong friends John & Scott bickered and struggled to communicate with the locals. Childhood friends Danielle  & Dani tried in vain to build a motorcycle. While locals cheered on dating couple Ray & Yolanda. But married parents Lake & Michelle rose to the task. Married parents Fran & Barry couldn’t figure it out so they switched to the other detour. In the end Eric & Jeremy arrived first. And while sisters Lisa & Joni lagged behind, John & Scott tried to conjure luck to move them ahead. But ultimately the lifelong friends were the first ones eliminated. Now ten teams remain. Who will be eliminated next? Beats the heck out of me.

– Sao Paulo. The largest city in the Southern hemisphere. Crammed with 20 million people who love soccer, the world’s most popular sport. This city’s heart beats at the massive soccer stadium. It served as the first pit stop in a race around the world.

– Will Fran & Barry move past their mistakes and stay competitive in the race? And can Lisa & Joni find a way to climb out of last place?

– Eric & Jeremy, who were the first to arrive at an undisclosed time, will depart at 534am. Eric reads that they must travel 2 1/2 miles by taxi to Edificio Copan. Go to Block F to find your next clue.

ERIC: We definitely have girls on our brains. And if we get some sex on the race–
JEREMY: Or dating or something–
ERIC: Or sex, then it’s good. Naughty things are going to happen.

I can see why everything is dirtier in the south.

– Two minutes later it’s BJ & Tyler’s departure.

TYLER: Let’s go Muscles from Brussels.

Don’t you dare compare them to Jean Claude Van Damme.

– They flag down two cabs and are on their way. Nine minutes later it’s “jammy” time for Wanda. Desiree believes third place is a boost of self-confidence for them. Dave & Lori proceed to talk about love.

DAVE: She’s my hotty boom body with the naughty pilates.

Ugh. Just get off the race and make your own sex tape for crying out loud. You couldn’t make it more obvious.

– Lori has stolen Kendra Bentley’s purple bandana.

– JEREMY: Those are prostitutes.
ERIC: Nice a–.
JEREMY: Oh! That’s a man, dude!
(Whistles in the background.)
ERIC: I just said a guy has a nice a–. Yeah.

– BJ & Tyler go inside. Eric wants his boyfriend first before going inside. Dave & Lori have caught up as well as Wanda & Desiree. The office manager tells them it opens at 800am.

TYLER: Oh crumb!

Dag gummit still wins out as the best avoidance to cursing thus far.

– Lake & Michelle check out. Michelle says Lake is Type A which is where her strength will come in because she can calm him down. Monica thinks sixth place is great when they were the last ones to land in Sao Paulo. They won’t give up.

– Lake & Michelle and MoJo are at the equalizer. At 647am Ray & Yolanda depart. Yolanda is not used to flubbering. Ray knows it is a marathon and not a sprint. They will make up ground.

– Fran informs us she was diagnosed with breast cancer four years ago. After the treatment she wanted to prove she was as good as shape as she was before the cancer was diagnosed. Hence being on the race. Barry loves Fran’s resiliency. Danielle & Dani thought their femininity would get them through the race but hasn’t worked for them whatsoever.

– Lisa says the race is so much harder than she thought it was going to be and that it is so far out of her element. That explains the tenth place finish. What’s even better is that her only allies finished in 11th. So the creation of coalitions is far out of her element too.

I present to you Exhibit A. Exhibit A of what, you wonder?

Exhibit Glee. They look similar, don’t they? Lisa versus Jane Lynch.

– Lisa goes on to say she doesn’t handle things well like this. Then why sign up? Joni’s role will be to calm Lisa down and prevent her from being too far down. Meanwhile Fran and Joseph play traffic cop as they tell incoming teams to slow down because it does not open until 800am.

– 800am comes with nine of the ten teams running. BJ is first to the clue box. Tyler shortly follows.

TYLER: Tuh-tow!

WTF?! Tuh-tow? What does that mean? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! Don’t make me bring in an expert interrogator to get it out of you, Tyler.

TELL ME WHAT TTOW MEANS NOW!

– Roadblock time. One player will choose to run up one of three fire escapes. At the top they will put on a harness and repel 400 feet to the bottom. Note that the order you arrive at a fire escape is the order in which you descend. So you need to be smart about which fire escape you’ll choose.

– Desiree is first up stairway #1. Jeremy is second. Ray is third. Danielle is fourth. Fran is fifth.

Stairway #2: Dave. Lake. Joseph. Dave stops running after five steps. Joni is fourth up the staircase.

Stairway #3: Only BJ. He will run up it without worrying about anybody else running into him and will not have to wait in any lineups.

TYLER: TTOW!

Those Two Only. . .Work? Ugh. I’ll figure it out at some point I am sure. If I solved Tommy Linz being Bone, then TTOW will be no match for me.

– Jeremy has stopped running. Eric tells him to go otherwise Danielle will catch up. Dani cheers on Danielle to pass Jeremy.

ERIC: Hey, what’d you say?
DANI giggles.
ERIC: You gotta make the girls feel good. So you can get in their pants later.

Eric Sanchez.

– Desiree has fallen to third. Barry wants Fran to show that senior power. A complete montage of people cheering on their teammates.

– Jeremy is first at stairway #1. Joseph is first at stairway #2. BJ wins his heat by default. Cheering continues. Jeremy is at the bottom and Eric reads the clue.

– Teams must go to the Batuh Booda Fun Bus Station and find tickets for one of three charter buses. 1015am, 1115am, and 1215pm. They will travel more than 150 miles to the town of Brotas in Brazil. They must choose one of the VW Bugs waiting in the parking lot to receive their next clue.

– Eric & Jeremy and Joseph & Monica work together to get to the airport via cab. BJ & Tyler get a cab a few seconds later. Ray is second down stairway #1. Lake is second down stairway #2. Dave and Joni are finally at the top. Fran is still walking up. Maybe she couldn’t find the fire escape.

– Ray and Lake are done. Michelle takes a public bus to the bus station while all other teams so far are taking a cab. Dave and Desiree are third down their respective fire escapes. Danielle expresses a fear of going down. Dave is down. His weight likely dropped him down quickly while Desiree’s tiny frame took a while to get down.

– They are done and in cabs. Danielle wonders why she did it if she is petrified of heights and says she will not do it because she knows she will have a heart attack. This is insulting seeing how Fran is right beside her and three times her age. Fran consoles Danielle anyway and eventually agrees to do it. The commercial break did nothing to convince us that Danielle wouldn’t complete the task. Sometimes the cheesy commercial suspense can be annoying.

– Joni and Danielle are doing the roadblock. Danielle completes it and says she conquered a fear that she didn’t have until two minutes ago. Joni is done too. All that remains is Fran.

JONI: Do you speak any English?
LOCAL: No.
JONI: Okay.

Joni has lost the battle of wits.

– Fran is done the roadblock. Lisa & Joni fall to ninth because of their delay to find a taxi. They found a local to ask a cab to take them to the bus station. I think ‘boos station’ is all you need to say to a cab.

– The leading four teams all scramble to pull a ticket off the sign as they sprint to find it. Eric & Jeremy then BJ & Tyler then Joseph & Monica are on the first bus. Ray & Yolanda compare times and realize they are an hour back thanks to a wrist length’s mistake.

– Lake & Michelle get off the bus. They arrive at the WRONG bus station. So they hail a cab regardless and just wasted a bunch of money. Wanda & Desiree and Dave & Lori are at the bus station. The teams already there cheer them on and point them into the right direction like it is the finish line.

3000 miles, a few route markers, and four days, congratulations Wanda & Desiree, you are the official winners. . .of a bus ticket that puts you in a 3-way tie for fourth.

– Danielle & Dani are at the bus station and have the first ticket for the final bus. Danielle wastes no time talking to Eric, though.

Have sex with your boy, Rick James! Show me your t—ies, b—-!

Sadly her muscles are bigger than mine.

Since when did the producers of American Pie sponsour The Amazing Race?

– Fran & Barry and Lake & Michelle have the second and third tickets. Somehow Lisa & Joni are dead last to grab their tickets. Nothing is explained why they fell behind teams who made critical mistakes.

– BJ & Tyler pick the golden beetle in Brotas. It’s a detour. Press It or Climb It. In Press It, teams travel to a plantation by the name of Camping Bela Vista where they will process raw sugar cane into juice. Then teams must distill the juice to create 500 mL of ethanol. It is an alternate fuel source used by one-third of all Brazilians. They must pour the ethanol into their car before driving to their next destination.

In Climb It, teams travel to Usina Jacare and hike to the waterfall. Once here they must perform a 90 foot rope climb using mechanical ascenders. Once at the top they will receive their next clue. It is the exact same as the roadblock in leg 12 of TAR 5. I can picture Karen slipping further and further as Colin passes.

TYLER: Back to our roots in these VWs, huh buddy?
BJ: Yeah, man!

I don’t know if the ‘man’ at the end was on purpose or not.

– Eric & Jeremy park behind BJ & Tyler as Tyler asks for directions. They weren’t working together but Eric likes following them. Jeremy wonders if Tyler will lose them on purpose because they aren’t doing any of the work. This conversation is detracted when they see MoJo drive by.

JEREMY: Too bad she (Monica) has a boyfriend.
ERIC: Yeah, I’d spank her butt too.

Jeremy acts out what he would do to Monica via the steering wheel.

BJ: Punch buggy white! No punchbacks.

With ten teams on the road, this game could be played in every car up to nine times. Everyone’s shoulders will be bruised by the end of the leg.

– Monica warns Joseph she will hold them back because they are against two alpha male teams *eyeroll*. But she will work her butt off (or spank her butt off if around Eric) to climb up the rope. Jeremy can’t wait to slip on his speedo before climbing up the rope.

– BJ & Tyler are first to ascend. MoJo are second. Eric & Jeremy are third. Eric wore his suede shoes through the shores of the water. Did he not see that episode of Seinfeld? Never wear suede in any areas where it could be exposed to water.

JEREMY: Where are the girls? We need girls to help us. In swimsuits.

I have concluded that Jeremy is a virgin. Nobody talks about sex that much without being EXTREMELY frustrated.

– Second bus gets in. Dave & Lori are the only team doing the sugar cane task because Dave did the same experiment in high school. Wanda & Desiree and Ray & Yolanda both choose to climb it. BJ & Tyler are done climbing and read the clue. Teams must drive themselves 20 miles through the Brazilian countryside and search for the Primavera Da Matt Serra. This is the pit stop. 22 minutes into an episode with ten teams and we already have a pit stop? I for one strongly believe that a route marker was skipped from the episode.

– The pit stop is a coffee plantation just so you know.

– Eric’s ascenders are all twisted. Monica encourages Joseph that he will receive a kiss from her when he joins her on the top. Eric is uncoordinated as he does the task. Eric is done with Jeremy still to go. MoJo already has their clue and in their VW.

BJ: Who needs the reverse gear?

BJ delves into his memories of Flintstones cartoons to know that a car can be moved by brushing your feet onto the dirt road. That’s why they’re in first. Yabba dabba doo!

– Monica meanwhile has something to say about her hygiene.

 

Or maybe she’s not talking about her hygiene.

– Jeremy is making up time until his helmet rams into the rock. They finish the task and start driving. The other teams comment on Brazil’s beauty. Wanda & Desiree are making ‘eeethanol’. They might not do well on the task.

– Fran & Barry made a mistake with the motorcycle and since they know nothing about sugar cane that they will climb it. Lisa & Joni are the only team from the final bus that will do the sugar cane.

– Joni’s car is barely alive. She’s had to keep the clutch in the whole time.

LISA I’ve got to keep this car alive. You’ve got to tell me where to go.
JONI: But we’re working together!
LISA: I’m driving and you’re telling me where to go. That’s how we’re working together. I’m going down the wrong way.
JONI: Just go with the flow.
LISA: I need you to do this for me. We agreed that I would drive and you would do this. I can’t do both.

And Joni can’t do neither. I guess Joni’s idea of working together is someone does all the driving and most of the navigating while the other person does nothing. I love how ‘just go with the flow’ is a form of navigating. Yes. Go with the flow. Right into a freakin’ ‘wrong way’ sign!

– Joni asks for directions but Lisa does most of the talking. And on their way they go. BJ & Tyler quickly ask for directions too. MoJo do not receive directions. Eric & Jeremy and Double D drive in opposite directions.

JEREMY: I hope they don’t get eliminated. What are we going to do? Hook up with hippies?

Eric did hit on a man at the start of the episode so nothing is out of bounds.

– BJ & Tyler find a guy who will take them directly to the pit stop. Eric & Jeremy are right behind them on the road and tag along. MoJo go inside and get directions. Dave & Lori are at the sugar cane plantation. They must do fifteen stalks. Lori gets some good ol sugar cane juice in the face. Ray & Yolanda are at the waterfall. Wanda & Desiree notice they already passed by the sugar cane plantation once and wonder if it will cost them the race.

DAVE: I hope the spirit of Mr. Wizard is with us right now.

I don’t even know who Mr. Wizard is. Therefore, these two are indeed uber geeks.

– Dave & Lori hear Wanda & Desiree bicker about missing the place to the clue box. Wanda is unable to feed the sugar cane through at first. Dave & Lori watch the flask fill up millilitre by millilitre. Wanda eventually has the technique. Ray is done the waterfall while we get to see Yolanda’s legs work their way up. There’s no audience for her doing this detour task, however. Dave & Lori are done and put the ethanol into their car. The sugarcane plantation was the faster of the two tasks it appears.

– Ray & Yolanda are done. Wanda & Desiree are exhausted after cranking fifteen stalks of sugar cane. The liquid is put onto the Bunsen Burner.

DESIREE: This is karma for all the times I passed out in Chemistry class.

Karma? You were getting crucial sleep. I would say the karmic retribution is you used your precious energy on things that actually mater in life.

– Lake & Michelle have caught up with Fran & Barry on the road. Double D are right behind extremely slow trucks. Lisa cannot enjoy the scenery because she is ready to pass out from the exhaust fumes. Wanda & Desiree receive their clue.

WANDA (casually): You have gas all over your hands.

Eh, no biggie.

– Tyler asks BJ if they should stop at a gas station because there is a sign for one that is a few hundred metres away. BJ says to keep following the driver regardless. Eric & Jeremy see the sign and break away from riding coattails and opt for receiving better directions. No trust in the coattails.

JEREMY: Where is this place?
ATTENDANT: Straight ahead.
JEREMY: How far?
ATTENDANT: One kilometre.
JEREMY: . . .Dang. We could have been in first.

– Sure enough BJ’s persistence works out to a first place finish on the mat.

One of these days BJ is going to hurt himself jumping onto things.

PHIL: You are team number one!
TYLER: Shut up! Stop it!
PHIL (annoyed): You really are team number one.

– They have won a trip for two to Tahiti. Although I don’t think the hippies are paying much attention.

.

Yeah, just ignore them Phil. Maybe TTOW has something to do with this?

– Eric & Jeremy are pissed that the hippies beat them when first place was in their grasps.

JEREMY: Where’s the damn Phil at?
ERIC: Do you know how cranky I am right now, Phil? I’m gonna smack you, woman.

O RLY?

– Phil asks why they talk about the opposite sex so much. Eric & Jeremy respond that they do that at home a lot and it’s all about a good time. Particularly with male prostitutes, too.

– MoJo are team number three. Fran & Barry are at the waterfall. So are Lake & Michelle. Fran is first to work up the waterfall. She has major issues attempting to ascend. Mischelle is shocked by how deep the water is at the base of the waterfall. Michelle passes Fran in about two seconds.

How is she not getting anywhere? That looks like perfect form to me.

– Barry instructs Fran to copy Michelle and put both hands on the ascender. Suddenly Fran is moving much faster. Michelle completes the task as Lake gives a warning.

Run b—-, run!

– Fran barely edges out Lake. At least she avoided the embarrassment of both Michelle and Lake passing her. Lake & Michelle are in their car. Dave & Lori check in the pit stop in fourth place. Ray & Yolanda get there in fifth. Desiree hopes their lack of direction won’t cost them the race. Team Boricua has other plans for Phil to avoid being Philiminated.

Give me all your money and your clothes. The only thing I won’t take from ya is ya passport! In addition I won’t give you any money when you start filming the next leg!

– Phil offers them a better alternative of breaking the news to them that they are sixth instead of their projected tenth place finish.

Desiree is so shocked that she acts out her attempted kidnapping by a stranger during the fifth grade fun fair.

– Double D are at the waterfall. Danielle easily passes by Barry on the way up. Fran & Barry receive their clue. Fran looks like she is dead. It is raining outside. Lisa is worried about the muddy road. The VW gets stuck for a few seconds but Lisa backs up and does another run. It works. They are at the plantation. Lisa struggles to crank the sugar canes.

JONI: Pretend you are giving birth to a child.
LISA: I didn’t. I had a C-section.

Pick another cliche memory to focus your partner, Joni. What a fail.

– Dani finishes the end with a Yolanda-like booty shot from the camera operator. They are done and are in the VW. Joni spits into the sugar cane juice accidentally. That should save you a couple millilitres. Lake & Michelle drive through the countryside.

LAKE: Do not expect me to ask anybody. I am over done with Spanish.
MICHELLE: It’s Portuguese.
LAKE: I can’t understand it.

Spanish, Portuguese, they both sound the same to me. By the way, I doubt Lake talks to Wanda & Desiree much. As soon as they spatter about that ‘boricua’ nonsense, Lake tunes them out.

– Barry’s VW dies in the middle of the road. The battery is dead. Lake gets out to a gas station and convinces a patron to take them to the pit stop. Soon enough they follow an anonymous man on a motorcycle. Meanwhile Fran has the car in neutral while Barry pushes the VW. Double D excitedly drives around them. Sure enough Fran determines a dead battery with her extensive mechanical knowledge. She doesn’t know what an engine is but she does know all about car batteries.

– Lisa & Joni receive their clue. Time to catch up to the team with the dead car battery! Lake & Michelle follow the motorcyclist to the gas station. Why? Because the motorcyclist is out of gas. That’s right. Out of gas for a pit stop that is a few miles away. Harsh. Double D get directions of their own and continue raving about Fran & Barry being behind them and helping keep them in the race.

– Lake wants the motorcyclist to take them right away. If he’s last he wants to get this all over with.

LAKE: We’ve wasted so much time it’s not eeeeeeven funny.

I’m going to emphasiiiiiiiiize randoooooooom syllableeeees just because I caaaaaaan.

– Phil tells us about the car replacement rule as Fran & Barry are awarded their replacement VW. Barry says some crap about it not being over until it’s over. No s—, Sherlock.

– Double D see Lake & Michelle right behind them. Danielle drives faster when she sees them in the rear view mirror.

LAKE: They’re speeding up. They see us right behind them.
MICHELLE: Lake. . .
LAKE: WHAT?!
MICHELLE: Calm down.
LAKE: Michelle! I mean you F—ING HAUL A–!

Michelle cannot live up to her role in the team. Not even the best of us can calm down Lake.

– Double D and Lake & Michelle are in a foot race. The motorcyclist is confused as he sees the 4-way foot race. Lake & Michelle outrun Double D by several seconds. Lake is ecstatic and shocked to be seventh. Double D is relieved to be eighth.

– Suddenly it is pitch black. That means the last two teams are enormously behind. Fran has the blue head lamp on as she reads the map.  Suspense music plays. Fran & Barry are ninth and are stoked to still be in it. A moment later Lisa is crying all the way to the mat whining about how she couldn’t drive a stupid car. She cries some more before Phil has a chance to give them the news. They say nothing worth mentioning.

And so ends the alliance between John & Scott and Lisa & Joni. It’s funny that the only alliance established in the first two rounds happen to be the first two teams out. That tends to happen with alliances that suck.

Next time on TAR: We say goodbye to Brazil as we cross the Atlantic for the first time in about sixteen rounds of TAR. However this visit wears out its welcome as the worst twist to come out of TAR from the past few seasons re-emerges once again.

Lake&Michelle 0.1
Danielle&Dani 2.2
BJ&Tyler 1.1
Ray&Yolanda 1.2
Joseph&Monica 0.1
Eric&Jeremy 3.3
Lisa&Joni 2.3
Fran&Barry 3.2
Wanda&Desiree 0.2
Dave&Lori 1.0

Team averages

12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8

9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
3rd Weaver Family 3.15
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31

Rank the Legs:

1) Denver -> Sao Paulo (Much like the TAR 7 premiere, a new cast and a new route to follow a terrible season can make an episode ten times better simply due to its contrast with the content leading up to it. After suffering through episodes seven through thirteen of TAR 8, one cannot help but feel giddy as they witness this season’s opener. A brand new starting line that exhausts teams with its altitude combined with the first trip to Brazil in seven seasons? Yeah, I’m game.

The level of mature content has never been so prevalent in TAR but is necessary because of the watered down nature of TAR 8. Then there’s the kooky cast. They are all over-the-top mixed with the exceptionally brilliant and the exceptionally stupid. Many of the players are superfans who seem to be playing a game of one-up with each other to see who can parody the events of TAR the best. Compare the pit stop entrances of the first eight seasons with what you see in the premiere and you’ll know what I mean.

Fran & Barry losing 45 minutes for a clue sitting in front of their face the whole time is an extremely bizarre sighting (no pun) for TAR. Locals sexually harassing one of the players has not occurred to such an extreme since the train rides in TAR 4 with Kelly and Jaree being fondled.

And the tasks? Running up an amphitheatre? Going to fancy bridges? An insanely expensive helicopter scavenger hunt? A religious ceremony and tracking down a huge soccer stadium? That my friends is a proper premiere. The icing on the cake is that the worst and the biggest bore of a team is gone in the opener too.)

2) Sao Paulo -> Brotas (It’s been a while since TAR has had to cram ten teams into a single one hour episode. In this episode it is noticeable. We repel, we go to the next destination, we ascend, then pit stop? Ascending and repelling in two places only one hundred miles apart makes this a very ho-hum leg on paper. The episode plays out more like a recap show where a couple of key characters are the only ones shown (hippies, Eric & Jeremy, and Double D)

Rank the Teams:

1) Lisa & Joni

The frosties and/or glamazons. For some reason the only thing I remember about these two heading into this re-watch is that they were extremely negative and cranky. However that only occurs for Lisa at the end of the second round. Joni was much more upbeat but lacked that urgency you need to do well on the race. Both of them are dead last to virtually every route marker except for maybe one or two. The one time they weren’t last is when they spent five minutes screaming and shouting into the faces of everyone they ran into.

P.S. Lisa & Joni are the only team to have an average of 10.0 for playing at least two rounds. Out of all teams to play in only two rounds, they are by far the worst of all-time. They sucked that much.  I hope to get their screaming and urine talk out of my head eventually.

2) John & Scott

John has a fear of flying but doesn’t have a fear of flying. Scott is quiet and non-chalant. John wants to ask for directions and change their strategy when things don’t work out well. Scott thinks things will work out on their own and is taking in the scenery. He hopes John can get over his non-fear fear of flying.

Oh joy.

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