TUF 8 episodes 7 + 8 + 9 ranking

Seventh episode

Previously on TUF: Junie Browning talked smack before his fight with Roli Delgado but after three brutal rounds Roli lost in  a split decision. Team Mir keeps the hammer. For the blue team it’s either light heavyweights Krzystof Soszynski or Vinny Magalhaes against Team Nogueira’s Kyle Kingsbury or Jules Bruchez. Who will claim victory in the cage and get a shot at becoming the ultimate fighter?

– We pick up from Junie’s victory. Fight recap. Everyone and their mom thought Delgado was a puss. Junie’s conditioning was nearly his downfall. Delgado nearly had the victory.

– Mir yells at Junie for showing chinks in his armour and that he struggled with Roli Delgado of all people given Delgado was the worst fighter. Everyone bags on Junie for his poor conditioning. It needs to improve in time for his next fight. Mir insists there cannot be no fiascos in celebration for his victory. He needs to act right if he wants a career.

– Mir training session. Coach and others are happy that it is tied at two wins. A tie? Usually it’s 4-0 for somebody. It is extraordinarily rare for it to be even. Production must be happy. Vinny is receiving special focus as he spars with Krzystof. And then Krzystof injures his thumb. He believes it is broken or fractured. However, he can make a fist and just has to ice it all day.

– Mir tells us that Vinny is an accomplished jiu jitsu ground fighter. ‘Tis a whole new ballgame in the MMA world.

– Team Nog training session. They play Leapfrog and run on each other’s stomachs. The light heavyweights have fun picking on each other. Big Nog recognizes they need to have fun and be friendly with them. Nog wishes Jules could fight this round. Or who knows. Maybe Kyle because of his big reach. He smiles knowing he can’t do anything about it.

– Mir training session. Frank knows it took him a ton of time to take conditioning seriously. He hired a coach out of Brazil who is the personal trainer of Wanderlei Silva and convert their exercise into muscle energy. They jog using snorkels because it restricts oxygen intake. Wow. Never thought of how much of a difference how that could make it. They are breathing real hard after removing the snorkels. Immediately after the jog they jump in a garbage bin full of ice. It restores all of your energy.

– Mir states that cardio pain is the biggest pain of all and that it affects everyone universally in the sport. He finds out Vinny is a submission specialist who could armbar him in thirty seconds or less.

– House time. Efrain and Tom are baking some wicked treats. Jules baked a chocolate cake with cookie dough. So does Phillipe which has flags on it. This is all for Big Nog’s birthday which is today. They say it is a dream come true to bake Big Nog a cake. Big Nog loves all of the food that was made for him and that it makes him feel at home and means a lot for him that his team did this.

– Nelson observes that Big Nog’s team is too close and they suck. They look like they know each other for twenty years and suck each other’s t–s too much. Well you did say they suck. Vinny finds it fake that they all wake up together and wipe each other’s booty. I think someone is exaggerating a little. Haters to the right, please.

– Big Nog talks to Jules on the porch. Nog instructs Jules to avoid the submissions against Vinny and that they will train at the gym for the next few days. Jules wants the fight against Vinny.

– Fight announcement. No presence of Dana White. Mir hosts the meeting. It’s Vinny against Jules. Another telegraphed match-up? Hmmm. Nog wants Jules to hit Vinny all the time and avoid getting into jiu jitsu territory at all costs. Mir picked Jules to fight Vinny so Vinny could destroy him. Straight up.

– Kyle is pulling for Jules.

– We are introduced to Vinny. He was born in Brazil and likes to train and have fun with females. Blah blah blah he won the super heavyweight division’s belt in jiu jitsu. Mir says Vinny is strong and could go all day long. Jules heard that Junie say that Jules’ brown belt is downgraded because Jules hasn’t fought in a while and maintains the trash talk. Vinny was in on the trash talk too. Nog was intending to pick Junie second but is so happy he didn’t get the chance to do it.

– Nog and Vinny have a conversation in Portuguese. Minotauro expresses his disappointment in Vinny and thought better of him. The conversation concludes with them being enemies. Vinny is upset because all of the trash talk came from Shane Primm. Vinny follows Nog to his locker room where they talk more Portuguese. More Portuguese rambling. And some more. Something about being children. Respect. That the other guys talk feces. That Nog will see the truth when he gets home.

– Vinny proceeds to call all of Nog’s team a bunch of f-gs and that an argument like that in Brazil would lead to someone getting punched in the face.

– Nog training session. Jules considers himself the underdog. Uh okay. We’ll take your word for it. Stankie is his usual kooky self as he coaches Jules. Jules labels Vinny as one of the top five jiu jitsu guys in the world.

– Van time. Vinny’s terrible hands will likely lead to a Jules knockout. Primarily because Vinny has never been in a situation to be hit and they look forward to his Brazilian face being smashed in.

– House time. Jules encourages Vinny to work hard because it will be the toughest day of his life. His teammates all give advice on the fight.

– Krzystof ordered a body bag and a R.I.P. sign. It just happened to come in. He created a grave with Jules’ name and a body bag that will be laid in front of his bed. There is a line of candles too laid across it. Dang Krzystof. That is one twisted prank. It’s not even crude. Just a bit dark.

– Mir training session. Krzystof says that Vinny doesn’t talk much and keeps to himself. He knows Jules will be tough because he is left-handed and Vinny may not pick up everything on a left-handed fighter with his inexperience. We’re also told by his own team that Vinny doesn’t like to get hit. Jiu jitsu may take a tumble after this match, evidently.

– Team Nog arrives from practice. They see the grave. The body bag is full and there are roses on top.

“JULES BRUCHEZ
He Lived. . .He Died. . .Who Cared?”
Sideways 8 – 2008

Veni, vidi, vici.

– No disgust for this prank. Everyone on Team Nog agrees it is the best prank ever. Even Jules feels special.

– House time. We are re-shown Jules’ fight where it was very short and how he didn’t get to throw any punches and had his crazy arrogant reaction. He believes it will be more of a test and a sneak attack from the top. Jules comes from a small school so nobody knows much about him. He likes to be the underdog and spoil it for those who think they will win the show. He wants to beat the guy who is phenomenal. No shame in losing but in winning the reward will be infinite as his birth date.

– House time for Vinny. He knows there won’t be a chance of being submitted by Jules. Vinny looks forward to making Jules cry in a submission. Jules intends to break Vinny’s teeth and punish him over and over. The teams quietly get to their locker rooms on Fight Day.

– Mir proclaims he will quit as a coach for the rest of the season if Vinny gets submitted by Jules. Vinny will leave the house if he loses. Mir will leave with Vinny if he does lose.

– Meanwhile it’s all business in Jules’ locker room. He wants to crush Vinny’s face so hard that he doesn’t compete in MMA again. Vinny looks forward to submitting Jules in less than a minute.

VINNY MAGALHAES / TEMECULA, CALIFORNIA / 2-2 / (LANCE EVANS)
JULES BRUCHEZ / LAFAYETTE, LOUISIANA / 0-0 / (ERIC MAGEE)

– Herb Dean is our referee. The hair is better than ever. They touch glvoes. No strikes as the dance around each other. Feints. Vinny throws a few head kicks but Jules blocks them. Vinny throws a few more but all are blocked. Jules is clearly looking for that key punch. Jules feints a couple times. Vinny lands a kick extremely close to the groin. Good ol low leg kick. Feinting. More feinting. Vinny lands a punch but misses a looping head kick. Jules blocks a kick and dodges a leg kick. Why isn’t Vinny going for the takedown? Jules misses a punch. Vinny lands a body kick. Who knew Vinny would dominate a kickboxing match. Missed jabs. Jules waves Vinny forward but all Vinny does is smile. Vinny lands a vicious body kick. Jules lands a jab. Vinny smiles. Jules misses a couple strikes and misses a knee too. Vinny counters. Jules lands a soft body kick. Jules misses a straight left.  Vinny clinches and brings Jules to the ground. He very quickly and swiftly has Jules in full mount and has his leg wrapped around Jules’ left arm. Then the tap. Wow. Vinny’s ground game is the slickest of any fighter I have seen in my life.

– Fight replay. Mir observes Jules being petrified when Vinny attempts to be a kickboxer. Nog states that Jules gave Vinny too much respect. Dana says Vinny’s standup is amazingly boring while the ground game is amazingly good. He nearly fell asleep until the fight went to the ground.

– Vinny knew the fight would end within a few seconds after Jules was taken to the ground. Jules prefers losing in the octagon than some local show.

Next time on TUF: Stolen food becomes bait for the latest wave of pranks.  Mir picks the next match-up for the four remaining lightweights. For the blue team George Roop and Diamond Dave Kaplan. And for the red team First Pick Phillipe Nover and Powerhouse John Polakowski. Plus a betrayal from a fighter could change the outcome of the octagon. Who will pound out a win and press on to become the next ultimate fighter?

Confessional count

TEAM MIR

LIGHTWEIGHT

DAVE KAPLAN 0
GEORGE ROOP 1
JUNIE BROWNING 0
SHANE NELSON 2

LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT

ELIOT MARSHALL 1
KRZYSTOF SOSZYNSKI 4
TOM LAWLOR 0
VINNY MAGALHAES 7

TEAM NOGUEIRA

LIGHTWEIGHT

EFRAIN ESCUDERO 0
JOHN POLAKOWSKI 1
PHILIPE NOVER 1
ROLI DELGADO 0

LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT

JULES BRUCHEZ 12
KYLE KINGSBURY 4
RYAN BADER 0
SHANE PRIMM 1

Rank the Fights

1) Ryan Bader vs. Tom Lawlor (Excellent control of all aspects by Bader. To top it all off he managed to knock a guy out from half guard. I applaud your work, Bader.)

2) Efrain Escudero vs. Shane Nelson (A triangle choke from full mount??? Is that even possible? A very good technical match in the latter half of the fight. Junie Browning’s WWF-like entrance following the match only boosts its honourable (or dishonourable) finish to the episode.)

3) Wesley Murch vs. JOHN POLAKOWSKI (These guys fought hard. Great battle. Wesley continues to fight on a knee worse than the broken leg that Olaf tried to fight with in match #2 with JOHN POLAKOWSKI. Wesley was completely out of his mind to attempt a flying knee with his hurt leg. Best match in the round of 32.)

4) Mike Stewart vs. Krzystof Soszinski (A memorable fight in the round of 32. I never thought a guy could defend in such a terrible manner on their feet. Krzystof punched through Mike’s barrier which resulted in one of the strangest stoppages I have seen. I didn’t know a guy covering up on his feet could lead to a referee ending the fight.)

5) Junie Browning vs. Jose Aguilar (What a beatdown by Junie. Jose ain’t stand a chance, naw what I mean?)

6) Ido Pariente vs. Efrain Escudero (Great reversals by Efrain to accomplish his game plan.)

7) Shane Primm vs. Sean O’ Connell (Great coaching and one of the neatest moves I have seen makes it one of the best Round of 32 fights.)

8) Eliot Marshall vs. Shane Primm (Why not?)

9) Dave Kaplan vs. Fernando Bernstein (

There was some flying knees in the air that fight
The kicks and strikes
Then choke Fernandooooo.)

10) Joe Duarte vs. Phillipe Nover (An unfortunate groin strike but the fact Phillipe was able to cause major damage while his back was taken is rather impressive.)

11) Eric MaGee vs. Jules Bruchez (Eric’s ground game sucks. Nothing much else to comment on this pre-house fight.)

12) Ryan Lopez vs. Tom Lawlor (This is ‘Rank the Fights’. How can this be classified as a fight?)

13) Vinny Magalhaes vs. Jules Bruchez (Nothing to report on this fight.)

Eighth episode

Previously on TUF: Team Mir unleashed a relentless barrage of pranks. Junie’s list of enemies grew. And in the third preliminary light heavyweight fight, jiu jitsu champion Vinny Magalhaes overwhelmed Jules Bruchez giving Team Mir its third straight win. Up next two more lightweights go head-to-head in the brutal quest to become the ultimate fighter.

– Intro time. I’m curious how many fights they will cram into the final episodes.

– Vinny’s hand is raised. Funky maraca music plays. Polakowski’s hair is red.  They talk about how Vinny threw a couple kicks and punches. Jules looked at Vinny. Some more. But threw some punches.

– House time. Team Nog raids the fridge and steals Tom Lawlor’s fruit tray and consumes it every day as a joke. Each day when Tom is back from practice they are gone and no one knows where it goes. Tom Lawlor says he comes home every day from practice to see the fruit platter plundered, pillaged, and ravaged by the red team. Tom intends to take matters into his own hands.

– Team Nog goes off to practice. Lawlor’s plan? The age old TUF prank. Piss in his own fruit tray. If they ate his piss, so be it. George doesn’t condone it, but how can one stop from urinating in their own fruit tray? All our fighters take a turn at urinating in the tray. They giggle like little school girls. Tom and Nelson waits for them to eat the fruit platter.

– Fight announcement. Already? Apparently so. No Dana yet again. Mir hosts the meeting. Dave Kaplan will fight Phillipe Nover. Phillipe has been dying to fight. Dave does the tunnel wave on his own team.

– Mir believes Phillipe will have an eye opening experience when he is punched and kicked by Dave Kaplan.

– House time. First thing Team Nog does when they get home is eat Tom Lawlor’s “fruit platter”. Bader and Nover dig way into it and make fun of Lawlor the whole time. They love Lawlor’s fruit. Team Mir watches Nogueira’s squad all dig into the fruit tray. Until Dave breaks the news to them at the end of the meal. Sure enough team red freaks out. Bader has a good laugh over it.

BADER (smiling): Yeah. We did eat piss. We wondered why it was so juicy.

Hmm. Bader may dig into the fruit platter tomorrow regardless of the urine contents.

– Phillipe says he was so hungry he didn’t think there was urine in there. Kyle doesn’t mind it. He thought it tasted better than normal. It should be Tom who is embarrassed for urinating on his own food. Kyle brags that he would drink it drip by drip. Wow. Phillipe spits on the hardwood floor.

– Mir training session. Dave Kaplan introduces himself with his chains and claims his hometown as Washington D.C. He spent seven months in Holland doing nothing but Thai boxing. Mir believes Dave is an unbelievable fighter after seeing what Dave can do in practice over the past few weeks.

– House time. Phillipe comes home from practice and has noticed that he has been missing sushi. He is getting mad that his sushi disappears. He’s getting pissed.

Well he just ate piss so getting pissed. . .ah, forget it.

– Phillipe should consider urinating on his own sushi. He screams that he wants his sushi. Supposedly this has been occurring since his second week in the house but is only speaking about it now. Phillipe discovers that Dave Kaplan has been the one eating the sushi. Kyle comes up with a prank. What is the prank, exactly? We don’t know.

– Team Mir training session. Junie claims that his team is not training hard. He knows he is training by himself. Junie insults Dave in a confessional for not wanting to spar. We see a montage of Team Mir’s members either getting a massage or sitting on the mat while Junie is training. An assistant coach spars with Junie and catches him in a guillotine right away. Somebody says that Junie is too hot and emotional. Junie proceeds to smash and throw stuff. He curses and accuses the others of never doing anything and that’s why he isn’t improving. He hates how little Dave is working. Mir keeps his distance when Junie blows up like this.

– House time. There is no rule in the TUF rulebook that you can’t do anything to your own food. Tom Lawlor outlined that clearly. Kyle jizzes all inside the sushi. Its consistency is white just like with the sushi rolls. Never has a season of TUF been so prevalent with bodily fluids. At least Mike Malin isn’t in this house or people would be catching some serious infections. Okay, TUF. You grossed me out. Congratulations.

– Team Nog gets home from practice. Dave is chowing down. . . .ugh, I don’t even want to finish. Roli sees the sushi is missing. After it has been confirmed that Dave has consumed the sushi, the members of Team Nog mess with him.

KYLE: Have you eaten sushi today?
DAVE: I ate one piece. It had Nover’s name on it and it is in the butter part of the butter dish on the refrigerator.
KYLE: Let’s say I ate somebody else’s semen.

Those are words you would not hear uttered in a sentence unless it was from your freaky girlfriend in a bedroom sesh.

DAVE: . . I did? Wait–wait–wait.
KYLE: You say I shouldn’t have ate Phillipe’s sushi because I just ate c-m.

I certainly hope this is as vulgar as TUF gets.

DAVE: I will have my fecal matter on your person by the time you leave this house.

– They argue about whether this is the same as the fruit platter incident. Dave claims his urine was not in the platter and that he did not know for sure if there was urine in there. Yeah right. Dave is frightened by the idea of future pranks. Dave warns Bader that he wouldn’t want to be him. Fecal matter will be had.

– Gym time. We are introduced to Phillipe fighting out of Team Insight in Brooklyn. Never heard of that team. He is a nurse professionally and does twelve hour night tours. A very busy hospital. He wraps bodies twice a week. I wonder if he has treated his opponent after punching their face off? Odd situation to ponder. He thinks he is made for the cage.

– House time. How have people not turned anorexic from the pranks? Phillipe got his hands on a Filipino delicacy. It’s balut. Right out of Survivor: Palau and Survivor: Micronesia. Much like Denise Martin, everyone else is disgusted by the idea of eating it. They are disgusted. C’mon. Virtually everyone eats this in the Philippines. The camera zooms in on it. They can’t believe they are eating that an abortion. Isn’t that all eggs?

– Team Mir tells Frank Mir that for the past twelve hours they have been quizzing Dave Kaplan on every single country capital. They are frustrated that they didn’t stump Dave once.

Welcome to the club, Dave. When I was eight years old I knew every country capital too. Heck, I still know all of them except for a few in the Caribbean. Those are tricky when everything is “Bridgetown,” “Roadtown,” “Kingstown,” and a bunch of generic British names. Mir asks what the capital is of Zaire. Is Mir still living in 1990? Of course it is now the Democratic Republic of the Congo and its capital is Kinshasa. Well done Dave.

– Weigh-ins. Dave weighs in nude at 156. Mir would say it would be the last opponent he would face in the house of lightweights. Dana finds Phillipe to be extremely talented.

– House time. Junie hates Dave for doing well at convincing himself and others that he is pretty good. He speaks to Phillipe and reveals Dave’s whole game plan to Phillipe. Junie tells Phillipe to take Dave to the ground and will have no problem submitting him. He shows Phillipe some of Dave’s techniques.

JUNIE: He talks too much and acts like a know-it-all.

Sounds like someone I know.

– Phillipe thinks Nog’s team is much tighter than the blue team. They have loyalty and preserve all of their secrets. While Team Mir divulges each other’s secrets and some of them refuse to sparr with one another. John proceeds to hug Big Nog who is a monster compared to John. Phillipe and Big Nog chat. Big Nog infuses Phillipe with the knowledge that Phillipe hits harder than any other 155 pounder that he has ever met.

– Fight day. Piano music plays. Phillipe is not scared because Dave has a funny head. Dave proceeds to do the worst Hollywood Hulk Hogan impression that I have witnessed in my life. We watch Phillipe brush his teeth for 25 seconds. Phillipe has the hunger. Big Nog enters the van. That’s a first. I have never seen a coach enter the van with the other fighters.

– Locker rooms. Taped hands. Dave won’t walk over Phillipe and Phillipe won’t walk over him. More hype. Dave proclaims he has never been knocked down. He doesn’t do things well but fighting is a rare exception. We see him copy Wanderlei Silva’s warmup of unhinging the wrists inside the octagon. Phillipe didn’t come here to make friends. OOOOOO. Reality TV show cliches 101. You’re well versed, Phillipe.

DAVE KAPLAN / WASHINGTON D.C. / 2-1 / (FERNANDO BERNSTEIN)
PHILLIPE NOVER / BROOKLYN, NEW YORK / 4-0-1 / (JOE DUARTE)

– Rosenthal is our referee. They touch gloves. Phillipe connects with a punch on the chin and a body punch. Phillipe rushes in with a huge combination and does not stop until he can put Dave on his back. Phillipe is inside Dave’s full guard. Phillipe creates space and is able to punch Dave’s head several times. He spins around to take Dave’s back and chokes him out. Dave taps. 62 seconds. Impressive. Everyone in the gym is in awe of Phillipe’s performance.

– Fight replay. Mir didn’t say anything at all during the fight because he was in complete shock. Junie is glad to see Kaplan lose and give Dave a reality check. Phillipe announces he is the toughest registered nurse on the planet. I concur. The kid is ready to fight the next day. Phillipe has been dreaming about this very moment for the past few days. He sees the contract within his grasps. Dana sees the potential in Phillipe that he wouldn’t be surprised if Phillipe becomes a GSP.

– Whoa. Dave is beat up. Mir interrogates Dave why he deviated from the game plan. Dave wanted to test out Phillipe’s power and assumed he could take the punches on the chin. He admits he had an idiotic game plan.

MIR: New Zealand?
KAPLAN: Wellington.

Next time on TUF: After his loss Kaplan spirals out of control. The coaches ditch the cage and take the field in the Coach’s Challenge. And in the last preliminary light heavyweight fight, number one pick Krzystof Soszynski of Team Mir faces Kyle Kingsbury of Team Nogueira. Who will become the next ultimate fighter?

Confessional count

TEAM MIR

LIGHTWEIGHT

DAVE KAPLAN 12
GEORGE ROOP 2
JUNIE BROWNING 5
SHANE NELSON 2

LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT

ELIOT MARSHALL 1
KRZYSTOF SOSZYNSKI 0
TOM LAWLOR 5
VINNY MAGALHAES 0

TEAM NOGUEIRA

LIGHTWEIGHT

EFRAIN ESCUDERO 0
JOHN POLAKOWSKI 4
PHILIPE NOVER 19
ROLI DELGADO 1

LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT

JULES BRUCHEZ 3
KYLE KINGSBURY 8
RYAN BADER 1
SHANE PRIMM 3

Rank the Fights

1) Ryan Bader vs. Tom Lawlor (Excellent control of all aspects by Bader. To top it all off he managed to knock a guy out from half guard. I applaud your work, Bader.)

2) Efrain Escudero vs. Shane Nelson (A triangle choke from full mount??? Is that even possible? A very good technical match in the latter half of the fight. Junie Browning’s WWF-like entrance following the match only boosts its honourable (or dishonourable) finish to the episode.)

3) Wesley Murch vs. JOHN POLAKOWSKI (These guys fought hard. Great battle. Wesley continues to fight on a knee worse than the broken leg that Olaf tried to fight with in match #2 with JOHN POLAKOWSKI. Wesley was completely out of his mind to attempt a flying knee with his hurt leg. Best match in the round of 32.)

4) Mike Stewart vs. Krzystof Soszinski (A memorable fight in the round of 32. I never thought a guy could defend in such a terrible manner on their feet. Krzystof punched through Mike’s barrier which resulted in one of the strangest stoppages I have seen. I didn’t know a guy covering up on his feet could lead to a referee ending the fight.)

5) Dave Kaplan vs. Phillipe Nover (Phillipe may have put on the slickest minute of striking and maneuvering into full mount that has been witnessed on the show in a really long time.)

6) Junie Browning vs. Jose Aguilar (What a beatdown by Junie. Jose ain’t stand a chance, naw what I mean?)

7) Ido Pariente vs. Efrain Escudero (Great reversals by Efrain to accomplish his game plan.)

8) Shane Primm vs. Sean O’ Connell (Great coaching and one of the neatest moves I have seen makes it one of the best Round of 32 fights.)

9) Eliot Marshall vs. Shane Primm (Why not?)

10) Dave Kaplan vs. Fernando Bernstein (

There was some flying knees in the air that fight
The kicks and strikes
Then choke Fernandooooo.)

11) Joe Duarte vs. Phillipe Nover (An unfortunate groin strike but the fact Phillipe was able to cause major damage while his back was taken is rather impressive.)

12) Eric MaGee vs. Jules Bruchez (Eric’s ground game sucks. Nothing much else to comment on this pre-house fight.)

13) Ryan Lopez vs. Tom Lawlor (This is ‘Rank the Fights’. How can this be classified as a fight?)

14) Vinny Magalhaes vs. Jules Bruchez (Nothing to report on this fight.)

Ninth episode

Previously on TUF: Instead of following Mir’s game plan, Dave Kaplan came up with one of his own: testing his chin against Phillipe Nover’s fists. And in his elimination fight Krzystof Soszynski crushed his opponent in a matter of seconds. But a hand injury while training has kept him out of the cage. Now in the final preliminary light heavyweight fight, Krzystof faces off against a formidable opponent in Kyle Kingsbury of Team Nogueira. Who will be crowned the ultimate fighter?

– Intro time. ‘Tis been a while since we were still doing preliminary fights in episode nine.

– Fight replay. Krzystof found it shocking. Junie thought Dave’s game plan of taking punches to the face worked out well. Krzystof thought it was one of the dumbest game plans ever. Team Nogueira has urban Harlem hip hop music play as they celebrate.

– Dana notes that both coaches have won three matches. Dang. It took eight seasons but we finally have an even game. We see a guy massage his hand and brags about the number of fighters he has made tap on his table. Don House is brought in by Mir as a hand expert. I recognize him! He’s the guy who puts on vasoline on fighters without gloves at events where Tab and The Cut Man aren’t present.

– Dave Kaplan and Tom Lawlor drink a series of shots to wash down Dave’s pain. Let the obnoxious talk begin. Dave reminds everyone that he has yet to be knocked out. Dave slaps Lawlor in the face and begs him to punch him in the face. If he doesn’t, he threatens to cast an illegal knee to the groin. Nevada State Athletic Commission will not be happy when they see this clip. This is all to prove Dave’s plea that he cannot be knocked out.

– Tom finally caves in and fires a right hook. It lands and Dave is knocked out. That’s why we have weight classes. Dave has gone limp. We see the instant replay of it a couple times.

DAVE: I was not knocked out.

Such a lie. He went limp and barely gets to his feet. In fact he can’t stand up on his feet. They both laugh about it.

– House time. We see alcohol on the table in the morning. Krzystof collects the cups. Tom tells Dave that he went out. Dave said he wasn’t out and remembers it. There is no way.

– Fight announcement. No Dana White presence. Unnecessary meeting because the match-ups are determined already. Nog calls Krzystof forward to fight Kyle. They shake hands and everyone roots for their teammate to win. No Junie Browning betrayal to be found here. Krzystof has no fear of Kyle.

– Van time. Team Nog. They are intending to pull a prank on Krzystof. For starters, shove the mattress and bed in his closet then throw several unrolled rolls of toilet paper into his closet too. They try to pack every movable object in the house into his room. Bottles, alcohol, beds, chairs, and mattresses. On the door they put a sign that states ‘UFC Storage Room’. I think the mock grave wins.

– Team Mir training session. They bring in Dan Henderson. Anderson Silva > Dan Henderson. Although Dan didn’t lose to Daijiro Takase by submission. And he held two titles simultaneously. Dan finds Krzystof’s striking to have a lot of potential. They are familiar with each other. Krzystof’s hand is dunked in ice as they rest on the mat.

– Exterior shots of Vegas. Van time. Mir’s van. Krzystof talks about going for submission. He smiles when he sees the storage room sign. He congratulates Nogueira’s team under his breath. Krzystof high fives Nogueira’s team at the table and says it was great. Their first great one. He has a good one in planned in the future. For the love of cheese let there not be semen.

– Coach’s Challenge. Dana loves it because the players are fired up while the coaches are nervous by how they will appear on TV. I suppose Rampage’s basketball skills would make any coach worried that the challenge will be their weakness. Mir told Dana he is certain it involves swimming because he can’t swim and would sink to the bottom like a rock.

– Nogueira heard about the Coach’s Challenge and has been training in every sport. Golfing, skiing, bowling, etc. except the one they are doing for the Coach’s Challenge. Nogueira sees the soccer net.

Let it be known that perhaps outside of jiu jitsu, the #1 thing Brazilians are known for sporting wise is soccer. That is borderline stereotype knowledge of the country. However, much like Rampage being unable to play basketball at all, Nogueira admits to being the only guy in the country who never played soccer in his life. Wow.

– He says he is the worst soccer player in all of Brazil. Mir thinks it is biased because they are playing a Brazilian sport and hasn’t played soccer himself. Dana defends that he is from America and has never played baseball. Picturing Dana at the bat is a bit amusing come to think of it.

– It’s going to be a penalty shootout. First guy to ten points wins ten thousand dollars. Winning team wins a thousand bucks each. No outrageous bets like the last two seasons. I suppose Dana didn’t want to lose ten grand for the third season in a row. Mir is going first. He misses.

– Nogueira scores. Mir misses. Nogeuira scores.

KINGSBURY: GOALLLLLLLL.

– Mir misses. Nogeuira scores.

DANA: GOALLLLLLLL.

MIR: I found it to be disrespectful but then I realized a lot of them are losers. None of them will ever be studs.

Yes, but suck at soccer. GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

– Mir finally scores one. Nogeuira scores. Mir misses. Dana makes fun of Mir for only defending if it comes straight to him. The score is 9-6 in favour of Nogueira. Final score is 10-7. They all celebrate around Nogueira. How has TUF not done more challenges each season?

– After the game Team Nogueira played basketball with Nogueira in the swimming pool. It was good motivation for the fight. I bet Big Nog is the centre in a game of basketball.

– We are introduced to Kyle. He brags about getting his abs now. Kyle didn’t tell his dad that he wasn’t a fighter because his dad forbid him from doing so. However by his third fight it got back to his dad and he took it pretty well. His dad divulges to him that his dad was a boxer and so was his dad. Kyle comes from a long line of fighters and his dad was worried about getting his head too damaged through his career.

– Kyle predicts a lot of action and that it will be good. Way to hype up your own fight. Nogueira’s team ends up completely dismantling a punching bag. The fluff is removed.

– Night time at the house. Opera and hip hop music is mixed. Krzystof comes up with a prank at two o’ clock in the morning. He grabs every dish and kitchen utensil in the entire kitchen and put it out in the basketball court. Krzystof grew up in Poland under a Communist regime. Everything was food stamps and waiting in line for food like it was the brand new opening of a Carl’s Jr. in Canada. At the age of ten him and his parents moved to Winnipeg, Canada and lived there for twenty years. Woo! He’s a motha canucka.

– This is the biggest fight thus far of his career. It’s as close as you can get to an American dream. It’s a Canadian dream. Morning arrives. Team Nogueira sees the kitchen table on the basketball court and all of the kitchen utensils surround the court. Everyone is amazed that he was able to pull it off. Roli had sushi outside. Krzystof finds it hilarious how everyone went to the basketball court for the utensils for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

– Weigh-ins. Krzystof’s game plan is to strike because he has the best striking skills in the house. When they square off Krzystof presses his fist against Kyle’s mouth and Kyle proceeds to kiss it. These guys are by far the biggest jokers in the house.

– Krzystof feels the pressure of being the number one pick. Kyle isn’t afraid of Krzystof and went against 240 pounders who had their heads shaved and biker tattoos. It also doesn’t help that Krzystof is a motha canucka. On the other hand, Winnipeg is laden with gangs.

– Fight Day. The Don is there to put vasoline on both fighters. Huh. Just noticed that Kyle hasn’t won a fight yet in this house. He compares Krzystof to a mosquito.

KRZYSTOF SOSYNSKI / TEMECULA, CALIFORNIA / 16-8-1 / (MIKE STEWART)
KYLE KINGSBURY / SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA / 7-1-1 / (NO ONE)

– Herb Dean is our referee. They touch gloves. Krzystof has a wide open stance. Krz leg kicks. He waves his arms around before they lock against the cage. Krz spins Kyle against the cage. Light knees lands on Kyle. Kyle groin strike’d Krz twice. Herb says it is his only warning. After an undisclosed amount of time they fight again. Krz lands a bunch of punches on the chin before Kyle locks with Krz. Kyle is pushed into the cage on their feet. Kyle lightly knees. Krz returns a couple of light knees. Kyle takes Krz to the ground. Full guard. Krz is cranking Kyle’s head from the bottom and has his left arm trapped and stretched. Kyle is on his stomach. Verbal submission. End of fight. Wow. Krz brags he has jiu jitsu too. He is a lock to make the finals.

– Fight replay. Mir said Kyle did all of the right things. Except for the part where he got caught, of course. Krzystof is focused on winning that one more fight to crack into the final. He intends to celebrate at the house. Krzystof hugs Dan as he exits the octagon.

– Kyle runs into the locker room without emotion. He acknowledges he needs to practice jiu jitsu more. Six months isn’t enough. Big Nog loves Kyle as the leader of the team. He will invite Kyle to train at his camp. Kyle knows he will return to the octagon. Whether it be six months or a year. When he comes back he’ll be ready for it.

Next time on TUF: It’s the final fight before the semis and Team Nogueira’s last chance to even the score. Can hard hugging John Polakowski pull it off? Or will Team Mir’s last pick George Roop ignore an injury and get away with the upset? Plus the semi-final match-ups will be decided. Who will survive and get a shot at becoming the next ultimate fighter?

Confessional count

TEAM MIR

LIGHTWEIGHT

DAVE KAPLAN 2
GEORGE ROOP 0
JUNIE BROWNING 1
SHANE NELSON 0

LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT

ELIOT MARSHALL 1
KRZYSTOF SOSZYNSKI 15
TOM LAWLOR 3
VINNY MAGALHAES 1

TEAM NOGUEIRA

LIGHTWEIGHT

EFRAIN ESCUDERO 0
JOHN POLAKOWSKI 1
PHILIPE NOVER 1
ROLI DELGADO 1

LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT

JULES BRUCHEZ 0
KYLE KINGSBURY 10
RYAN BADER 1
SHANE PRIMM 1

Rank the Fights

1) Ryan Bader vs. Tom Lawlor (Excellent control of all aspects by Bader. To top it all off he managed to knock a guy out from half guard. I applaud your work, Bader.)

2) Efrain Escudero vs. Shane Nelson (A triangle choke from full mount??? Is that even possible? A very good technical match in the latter half of the fight. Junie Browning’s WWF-like entrance following the match only boosts its honourable (or dishonourable) finish to the episode.)

3) Wesley Murch vs. JOHN POLAKOWSKI (These guys fought hard. Great battle. Wesley continues to fight on a knee worse than the broken leg that Olaf tried to fight with in match #2 with JOHN POLAKOWSKI. Wesley was completely out of his mind to attempt a flying knee with his hurt leg. Best match in the round of 32.)

4) Mike Stewart vs. Krzystof Soszinski (A memorable fight in the round of 32. I never thought a guy could defend in such a terrible manner on their feet. Krzystof punched through Mike’s barrier which resulted in one of the strangest stoppages I have seen. I didn’t know a guy covering up on his feet could lead to a referee ending the fight.)

5) Dave Kaplan vs. Phillipe Nover (Phillipe may have put on the slickest minute of striking and maneuvering into full mount that has been witnessed on the show in a really long time.)

6) Junie Browning vs. Jose Aguilar (What a beatdown by Junie. Jose ain’t stand a chance, naw what I mean?)

7) Ido Pariente vs. Efrain Escudero (Great reversals by Efrain to accomplish his game plan.)

8) Shane Primm vs. Sean O’ Connell (Great coaching and one of the neatest moves I have seen makes it one of the best Round of 32 fights.)

9) Eliot Marshall vs. Shane Primm (Why not?)

10) Krzystof Soszynski vs. Kyle Kingsbury (A guy who lost easily once ends up losing easily again? Who saw that coming?)

11) Dave Kaplan vs. Fernando Bernstein (

There was some flying knees in the air that fight
The kicks and strikes
Then choke Fernandooooo.)

12) Joe Duarte vs. Phillipe Nover (An unfortunate groin strike but the fact Phillipe was able to cause major damage while his back was taken is rather impressive.)

13) Eric MaGee vs. Jules Bruchez (Eric’s ground game sucks. Nothing much else to comment on this pre-house fight.)

14) Ryan Lopez vs. Tom Lawlor (This is ‘Rank the Fights’. How can this be classified as a fight?)

15) Vinny Magalhaes vs. Jules Bruchez (Nothing to report on this fight.)

 

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