Previously on TAR: Teams set out from smelly Lancaster, Pennsylvania for Washington D.C. where they searched for a spy with a password. Nope, this isn’t a MADtv parody. This really happened. But along the way the Gaghans struggled to be featured in the ‘Previously On’ segment for the second episode in a row. The Paolos argued (although a highlight would be if they got along so gingerly). The Rogers drove in the wrong direction then Brock got blamed for his father’s mistake. At the detour families were drafted into a Civil War battle. Wally Bransen faltered in front of his daughters. While the father and sons-in-law of the Aiello family were in awe. In the end it was the widowed mom and kids of the Weaver family that took the lead. While the Rogers struggled to the end and never caught up. Now eight families remain. Who will be eliminated and drive themselves ten minutes back to their house next?
– We are introduced to Welbourne Manor. An 18th century estate in northeastern Virginia where black families no doubt worked on until the Emancipation Act. Once owned by a Confederate in the Confederate Army this 230 year old manor house was the second pit stop.
– Can the Bransen family overcome Wally’s lack of physical endurance that rivals the physical endurance of Steve & Dave to move up in the pack? And will Linda Weaver be able to maintain her new leadership with her kids to keep them on top?
– The Weaver family who arrived at 226pm will depart at 226am. It’s way past Rolly Weaver’s bedtime. Teams must FLY (what?! no driving?!) to Charleston, South Carolina. Once there their freedom of the backseat of a car ends as they hit another SUV and drive into historic Charleston to an area known as The Battery. Here in the gazemamabo is where they will find their next clue.
– Rebecca Weaver said they came out here to prove they are strong team. And guess what? The chronic screaming howler monkeys ARE a strong team.
REBECCA: We’re not in it for any drama.
Can you repeat that? I think I have a plethora of wax in my ears.
– 227am is when the Linz family embarks. Megan talks about being the only one on the team who has a vagina. Shut the f— up, Meg. Nobody gives a flying feces. Godlewskis are next a minute later. Sharon says they have not talked about who is the boss of the trip but will take the lead and run with it.
– A few minutes later it’s Schroeder time. Char is happy her stepkids think of her as their friend rather than “Oh, the stepmom” and the horrible connotation that goes along with it. Her nose is awfully small.
STASSI: I’ve always wanted to go to Charleston.
HUNTER: It’s all historical. I don’t know my history.
CHAR: Hunter, we need to focus baby.
Don’t worry, Hunter. Nobody watching at home knows their American history and therefore couldn’t care less about the places you’re going to, either. Charleston doesn’t hit anyone’s sweet spots unless you’re going to a Bobcats game.
At the mat Matt Aiello is defecating on one side of the pit stop mat.
Then urinates on the other. Tony and Kevin couldn’t frown more about the situation.
– Matt says they’ve been too business like in the first two legs and wants to be lighter. Yet all of Matt’s business is all over the pit stop mat. Bransens check out in the van rather than the pit stop. I guess Bransens don’t exactly have compelling departures.
– BETH: We’re doing well being three girls and an old guy.
That b— just did not call me old.
– Wally says that after physical activity he needs more rest than others. In more interesting news Billy Gaghan leads a yoga exercise at the mat.
BILLY: Deep breath. In and out. One two three. You can do this.
– Tammy talks about how her and Bill have raised their kids to be like little adults on this race and not like kids who will hold them back. Wise strategy. Carissa really picks up on her TAR lingo and asks if they need a map. Bill thinks that if there is anyone who believes kids don’t belong on the race then they need to check out his kids. That’s a hint to production that they could have been more brave to leave the continent. Weavers hate that there is a truck occupying two lanes.
MEGAN: Oh man. There is a huge wide load in front of us. You can’t get around this big wide load.
TOMMY: I hate wide loads.
NICK: Wide loads are the worst.
Alex sheepishly grins to cue that this indeed can be considered a laugh-worthy moment in the Linz household. Alex does not laugh, but when he does, he chooses to laugh at wide loads. Stay humble, my friends. Wink. You look like Swanky Kong with your sparkling teeth.
– Beth asks for a cell phone. She calls the airport. First airport call and it is episode three. My god. There is a US Airways flight at 1006am. Tammy asks for a cell phone too. Bill books the 1006am flight.
– Paolos are last to leave at 305am. 38 minutes after the 1st place Weavers. In the second leg teams departed 48 minutes apart. Apparently production has made the tasks so easy that it is impossible for teams to separate from each other by excelling at a task or impossible to struggle at a task for too long.
TONY: I came from Italy when I was twelve years old. . .
Tony’s count of referencing his immigration from Italy to New York: 2.
– The Weavers car overshot the exit which lets the Linz car pass them on the road. Linz family goes to the Independence Air counter and books a 1004am flight. So do the Weavers. Linz tells Godlewskis about the 1004am flight. Bransens yell out to Aiellos who are nicknamed “Boston”. Wally reveals that Boston and his team have a cooperative relationship going.
– Bransens tell them they booked the earliest tickets which is the 1006am flight. Aiellos go to Independence Air and find out it leaves at 1004am within two seconds. Beth Bransen will never be allowed to book tickets again.
– Linz, Weaver, and Aiello are all on the first flight. Bransens go to book the 1004am flight but there is only one seat left.
LAUREN: I can’t believe they are out of seats.
4 families * 6 seats + production = < 24 seats.
Is it really that big of a shocker? In the past that would mean six teams would squeeze on a domestic flight.
– Gaghans book a 1006am. They have the last seats on the second flight. Luckily it’s only two minutes behind. Linda Weaver announces she will investigate the airport system. She wants to find out “anything”.
LINDA: I haven’t done a lot of flying and I’m not real familiar with how it works.
Well we check your luggage then you sit down then you get a terrible meal then you watch a crappy movie then voila you’re in Charleston.
Look into my eyes young lady or I will cue them to scream. Don’t think I won’t do it.
LINDA: I was very intimidated by airports so I’m going to keep asking questions until we find out what we want.
Ask if there’s a state named Pennsylvania.
– Stassi observes the Weavers. And I observe Stassi. But seriously, she wonders what the heck Weavers are doing and proclaims they are being sneaky. If by “sneaky” you mean “wasting six hours until the flight takes off” then yes.
– David Aiello asks them if they found another flight. The Weavers say nothing and walk right by. Wow. Not even an acknowledgment. That’s a bit rude. David is pissed that he got shunned by people he treated well on the race.
Marshall hates them so much he can’t begin to describe to us. Watch him. He will get even with them.
– David tells the other teams what happened. He hates the Weavers looked at him like he was speaking a foreign language. Stassi thinks they’re just playing mindgames.
CHAR: They’re silent but deadly. They’re STD.
What an odd technique to use to give your kids sexual education. Is this The Amazing Race: Facts of Life edition?
– The Paolos are next to the airport. Weavers have nicknamed them the “Cleavers”. A rhyming alliance is formed as the Weavers tell them there is a 1038am flight which is the third flight but will be your best option at this point. The Weavers hate the nicer teams like Godlewskis, Schroeders, and Aiellos but love the shouting teams like the Paolos? Intriguing.
LINDA: It arrives 30 minutes later no big deal.
Teams have been checking in within a 45 minute span from first to last. How in the world is 30 minutes NOT a big deal?! Please ask that in the airport.
– It’s 4am. The flights do not leave until 8am. What’s the best thing to do to pass the time?
I am Rolly. King Knee Slapper!
I’m sorry honey, but that Rolly kid is nothing but trouble! He looked at a grown man like he was speaking a foreign language!
You may be the king of knee slaps, but Hunter has you one-upped. All hail Hunter! King of Groin Slaps! The only competition better and more competitive than knee slaps. All that’s missing is the America’s Funniest Home Videos cheesy ‘BOING!’ sound effect.
It is way back in the dark ages of 2006. Parents didn’t like their young boys groin slapping other young boys and befriending each other through the competition of a gentleman’s sport. Gay Pride 2012 today has made strong advances towards groin slaps being welcomed with open arms by a child’s loved ones.
HUNTER: He is my age. So naturally I started hanging out with Rolly. . .
If you watch this confessional you can pinpoint the exact moment when Mark’s, Char’s, and Stassi’s hearts break. At least Hunter avoided using the words “one thing led to another”.
– CHAR: What are y’all talkin about?
A 14 year old is not exactly too coherent with his answers at 4:00am. Good luck starting too engaging of conversations at this time of night.
CHAR: We’re going to keep our strategy more amongst Stassi, Mark, and myself.
1) Geez. A kid plays groin slaps with the Weaver boy and this is what he gets?
2) What effin strategy is super secret that cannot be shared? The sky is blue and the sea is green? This is the family edition! Chill the crap out.
– CHAR: I pulled Hunter aside. I told him to shut his pie hole.
Shut his pie hole? A 14 year old knows you mean business when you tell him to shut his ‘pie hole’ of all things. Although other holes may need to be shut if this groin slap game goes to the extreme.
– I can sense the frustration emanating from Hunter. What is Hunter’s half asleep response at 430am when he’s been yelled at for doing nothing wrong but perhaps play the best card on The Amazing Race–make racers on other teams like you?
Whiny Parents Council races to their phones.
WPC: Hi, is this that blogger Logan who is a complete jack— to all people who have ever competed on The Amazing Race?
LOGAN: It’s all in good fun, but yes, go ahead.
WPC: I’d like to file a complaint regarding a 14 year old calling his mom a b-i-t-c-h and having it air on television.
LOGAN: It wasn’t his mom.
WPC: Uh yes it was. Don’t insult my intelligence.
LOGAN: It was his STEP mom.
WPC: Oh. Really?
LOGAN: Yep, just a stepmom. Not even his biological mother. Huge difference, don’t you agree?
WPC: Hmmm. I suppose you are right. Stepmoms can be a bizzle and the concept of having a mother who isn’t your biological one is immoral.
LOGAN: Glad we can agree. I would say Hunter should be applauded if you ask me.
WPC: I’ve gotta go. The Simpsons just showed a side boob and FOX will receive hell for it. Bye!
– Linz, Godlewski, Weaver, Schroeder, and Aiello are on the first flight.
– Gaghans and Bransens board the second flight two minutes later.
– Paolos are the only team still stuck in the airport. They conspire to buy a map. But then DJ questions if they should buy a map of irrelevant South Carolina. He wants everyone to put their bags down and whines he is tired. Marion says he should have gone to bed when he had the chance instead of staying up all night playing World of Warcraft in Welbourne Manor.
– DJ whines that his mom is yelling at him like he is a two year old. He starts rolling his eyes and his mom continues on saying they need a map regardless.
BRIAN: My family apparently has many mood swings.
This is new to you, Brian?
DJ finishes off by saying that if his mom wasn’t his mother that she would be his worst enemy. It appears she is his worst enemy regardless.
– The first flight lands. The five teams pile into cars and get on the road. Two minutes later the Bransens and Gaghans pile into cars. We hear a bell ringing throughout the town. Schroeders are first to the gazebo. It’s a detour. Time to choose between two tasks that are common in South Carolina.
Smoking weed or throwing rocks at cars.
In smoking weed, teams will go to a 30 year old’s house who still lives in his parent’s basement. Once there, they will grab a bag of chips in the hallway and offer it up as munchies that the thirty year old will gladly accept. When teams are inside, they will roll up the joint and smoke it. After teams have giggled at dots on the ceiling, the 30 year old couch surfer will hand them their next clue.
In throwing rocks at cars, teams will drive until this flagged mile marker where they will pull over on the side of the road. Then teams will make their way up into the hill until they are hidden in the bushes. Once there, teams will use the red and yellow rocks provided to covertly aim it at cars passing by on the highway. When teams have broken five car windows, the homeless guy urinating in the bushes will hand them their next clue.
Oh wait. That would be a detour in British Columbia.
In this detour teams will choose between Forrest Gump or Muddy Waters. In Forrest Gump and Muddy Waters.
In Forrest Gump, teams drive themselves seven miles to the Wando Shrimp company and hop on a traditional shrimp boat. Then using their hands they must behead 200 pounds of shrimp to get their next clue. In Muddy Waters, teams drive themselves 37 miles to the town of Ridgeville and find the Ridgeville Mud Run. There they will jump into a 4×4 and drive through a 400 foot gully known as a mud bog. Teams must make a complete lap without getting stuck before receiving their next clue.
– Weavers are doing the mud run. Schroeders and Linz are doing the shrimp. Paolos’ flight lands. Godlewskis are at the gazebo. Aiellos are doing the mud run. Godlewskis are doing the shrimp.
– A woman teaches Schroeders how to behead shrimp. There are two crates where each weighs one hundred pounds. Char complains she has shrimp juice in her sock. Sweet justice for all those who hate stepmoms. Megan Linz thought she saw a sign so the brothers agree to turn the car around. They sarcastically mock her. Turns out she is right. Onto the boats they go. Godlewskis follow.
– Gaghans decide to do the mud run.
CARISSA: That’d be fun to play in.
Carissa Gaghan may be the first and last person in the history of the series to think a place that is nasty would be ‘a fun place to play’.
CARISSA: Mommm, can my friends come over and play in the mud?
TAMMY: No sweetie, you girls will all get too dirty and their parents will be mad.
– Linda Weaver drives the 4×4. Aiellos watch them do it the first time. It is stuck. Kevin Aiello takes the wheel and does half a lap. They are ten feet before the finish. But then the mud is too much.
MATT: We were doing so well.
EVERYONE: . . .
DAVID: But we’ve got f—ing great guns though.
– Bransens have the shrimps. Lindsay advises to behead two shrimp at a time. Paolos are at the gazebo and opt to do the shrimp. Wise move because Weavers, Aiellos, and Gaghans could waste a ton of time.
– Weavers get stuck a second time as the Aiellos watch. David takes the wheel and gets stuck about twenty feet from the starting line. An inverse of what happened last time.
Nothing like a mud fight as you wait for a tractor! Watch out though Tony. If they get too bored they will resort to groin slaps.
DAVID: It’s definitely more fun than chopping shrimp!
– Schroeders are on their last crate. The gumbo task seems to be much faster. They are having fun. The Linzes bond with their shrimp before removing the head.
Hannibal Lector joins in on the action too.
– Godlewskis are on the last crate and argue about which pair is removing heads faster. Bransens
WALLY: If it’s got a head squeeze it.
The same thing Wally said to his wife the night before he went on the race.
– Bransens wonder what the Gaghans did. Cut to Gaghans getting inside the 4×4.
CARISSA: Let’s go 120 miles per hour so we can go on top of the mud.
Looks like somebody has already had an apple fall on their head at the tender age of nine.
– The sixth attempt for the Weavers. Linda still has the wheel. Aiellos are on their sixth attempt. David is stuck immediately. Linda is stuck too.
DAVID: This hurts.
– Weavers are switching tasks. Linda doesn’t care if they have to chop shrimp until six o’ clock. Schroeders are done the shrimp. They must drive themselves to the Charleston Visitor Centre and sign up for one of two charter buses. The first bus departs at 3:00pm and the second bus at 5:00pm. They will go to a mystery destination. Teams must go to the Visitor Centre on foot. Finally teams can stretch their legs.
– Paolos begin the shrimp.
MARION: I don’t wanna stink. It’s 90 degrees you know what it’s gonna smell like?
At least your friends aren’t waiting to visit you after you behead shrimp, Marion.
– Bransens are having fun. They finish. Gaghans are on their first attempt which Billy signals the start by tossing mud behind him. It’s like tossing salt behind your back. The Gaghans keep driving. Bill completes it on his first attempt.
– Linzes see the Schroeders taking a leisurely stroll and decide they will run ahead and beat them.
MEGAN: My heart is hurting.
The other three casually acknowledge it and take her backpack. Then tell Megan to tough it up regardless of a hurting heart. Schroeders see the Linz from the opposite direction which lets Linz sneak in to sign on first. It doesn’t matter because Schroeders and Godlewskis are going to be on the exact same bus. So are the Bransens. Poor Gaghans did well on the mud but are screwed anyway.
– The four teams board the bus and are already gone before any of the other four teams show up. So how stubborn are the Aiellos with sticking to the mud run?
Thirteenth time’s the charm.
DAVID: C’mon baby, bounce! Bounce! You can do it! You can do it! C’mon baby! C’mon baby! Damn you! Damn you!
Those are lyrics to a Mystikal song if I am not mistaken.
– David swaps out Kevin. It took 13 attempts before they switched drivers. Kevin completes it after much coaching from David. Those who can’t drive through mud, teach.
– Gaghans are sad to see they will be on the second charter. This saves the Aiellos, Weavers, and Paolos. Paolos made up thirty minutes and are second on the second bus. Aiellos then Weavers get on as well.
BILL: We’re in last place!
EVERYONE: Woo hoo! YAY!!!!!
– Phil takes over to tell us teams have no idea it will take eight hours to get to their mystery destination nor do they know that they are being taken to Huntsville, Alabama. The rocket capital of the world. Ugh. I wish it was the “rocket man” capital of the world. At the entrance of the bus station is where teams will find their next clue. Eight hour bus ride? That means the buses will not arrive there until 1am and 3am. Space camps must be open 24/7. The people who work the graveyard shift are very cranky to deal with.
– Bransens peel away from the other teams and are in first place. They read the clue and are instructed to go to the Space Rocket Centre five miles away. When they arrive they’ll have to find the Edward O. Buckbee Hangar. I bet it’s a dead guy who was important to space. Teams will find their next clue. Bransens find an all too familiar SUV. Linzes and Schroeders are next there followed by Godlewskis. Schroeders are following the Linzes. Bransens are first there. Roadblock. Take the argnet and put it on top of a rocket ship.
– Okay. Joking again. Phil says that roadblocks have always been performed by one person. But for the first time ever, this roadblock will be performed by TWO people. Whoa! TWO people? What is this? Amazing Race: Bizarro World Edition?
– In this roadblock two people will enter a centrifuge and ride the machine until gravity presses on them at 3.2 Gs. Phil is saying this as he is inside the centrifuge as his voice sounds like the guy from Spaceballs who pushed a button to have the ship go ‘ludicrous’ speed. When teams reach 3.2 Gs they will receive their next clue.
– Lindsay and Beth are going to do it. They take the ‘1’. Linzes are next to pull on.
MEGAN: Oh my god I’ve been here. In the sixth grade. This is space camp.
TOMMY: Uh huh.
Yeah. No one really cares, Meg.
– Tommy and Alex are doing the roadblock. Tommy watches the Bransens on the monitor and tells them not to puke. Stassi and Mark are doing the roadblock.
TRICIA: A hangar is an airplane.
SHARON: No. A hangar is what an airplane is IN!
TRICIA: Are you sure?
Sharon is sure. She was taught well from the first level of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2.
– Bransens are done. Teams must now race on foot one mile to Rocket Park and search for a Saturn 5. It is the same ship that took man to the moon. After several small steps by Wally, Bransens will click on one huge advertisement for production as they will log onto a computer inside and go to AOL.com. Phil will give a video clue.
– TOMMY: I gotta fart.
ALEX: Not cool.
That would be the worst possible prank you could pull in an enclosed centrifuge. I think company policy bans flatulence in shared centrifuges.
– Wally is several feet behind his daughters. They slow down to wait for Wally to catch up. Meanwhile Linzes are done and are convinced they can catch up with the Bransens. Schroeders are next. Mark and Stassi try to lift up their arms. Everyone so far has been stoked to watch every team inside the centrifuge on the monitors. They laugh at each other and witness how much their cheeks stretch.
Well not everyone. Hunter doesn’t understand the historical significance of space travel.
Mark stretches his arms to wake up Hunter and the viewers at home.
– Bransens are inside Rocket Park. Linzes jog too. Phil tells the Bransens that they must race on foot to their next pit stop. The space shuttle pathfinder. The last team to check in will board the rocket and be blasted off into Future Fun Land. Bransens exit and see the Linzes entering. The Linzes log on to AOL.
Something tells me that Alex is not oogling AOL and took a detour of his own on the Internet. Enjoying 2 g 1 c, Alex?
– Linzes remember where the Bransens ran so they follow in their footsteps. Suspense music plays for thirty seconds as we see teams run into the dark. It’s the Bransens. The greeter is in an ugly jump suit. Bransens are excited to have their first victorious leg.
PHIL: I have some very good news. All licensed drivers receive free gasoline for life.
Whoa. That’s an enormous reward in the coming years. Anytime they go into a BP or Arco station they will fill up for free. However I recall reading online that they could only fill up for one hundred bucks a week and that it expires after twenty years. Shall I do the math for you?
100 (dollars) * 52 (weeks) * 20 (years) * 4 (gas guzzling Bransens) = $416, 000
The Bransens can quit while they’re ahead. They just won over one hundred grand each and don’t need to bother with traveling domestically on camera anymore and put themselves through mundane tasks.
WALLY: There’s nothing like being on top.
How horny is Wally Bransen this leg?! This is starting to get uncomfortable.
Beth gives her dad a dirty look, Lauren looks ahead as if Wally did not say a word, and Lindsay smiles uncomfortably to cover up the situation.
– We pretend my insinuations of borderline incest never happened as the Linzes check in second place. Only a minute away from 400k.
– Rebecca Weaver recaps how much they failed today and that they had only three hours of sleep. Marion tells Linda that Rebecca sounds very nervous. Linda hates feeling like a prisoner on the bus. David is tired of hearing the Weavers complain the whole bus ride.
– Rebecca simultaneously cries and laughs as she recaps chopping off shrimp. Thank you for the episode summary, Rebecca. You just did my job. The teams pull into a waffle house. I guess that is the pit stop before the pit stop. Linda, Rebecca, and Rachel are in the bathroom together. Tammy Gaghan tells Bill that the Weavers are crying in the bathroom.
– What’s Linda’s advice to Rebecca to stop her from being offensive and whiny?
That’s how Russell Hantz got cast on Survivor if i am not mistaken. It’s the American way! Linda says she is not used to being a single parent and told the kids to make a game out of it. Rebecca starts giggling and jumping around in the parking lot. Her and Linda skip. The other three teams look on in fear.
– DJ: At one point the Weavers completely snapped. Lost it. Like they were just. . .lost it. I don’t know how to explain it.
No TV and no sleep makes Rebecca Weaver go something something.
And Linda Weaver is Ralph Maccio in his Karate Kid days.
Kids. . .get back in the bus. Don’t pay attention to them.
TAMMY: These people are crazy.
– Rebecca talks about how they’ve been through much more in the past 18 months than a bad bus ride. Rachel is worn out by the highs and lows emotionally.
– Sanity is restored when the Schroeders are done in the centrifuge. Michelle and Christine Godlewski are in the centrifuge then are done. Christine says that it was so fun in her Sarah Palin voice.
– The second bus stops. Weavers are first to the clue and hop in the car. Aiellos, Gaghans, and Paolos all read their clues together before racing into their cars. The teams all identify where to go five miles away on the map. Schroeders log onto AOL and Mark recalls seeing the pit stop. So they check in about two seconds later. Then the Godlewskis where Christine cannot stop speaking like Sarah Palin.
– Rolly and Rebecca volunteer to ride inside the centrifuge. Linda butchers the pronunciation.
– Bill catches on that it is space camp and tells Billy that they simulate weight lessons.
BILLY: I’m doing it!
He’s like a dog being offered a treat. Aroo?
– Paolos are last to pull in. DJ says the cars are all there. Marion is frightened. The last three teams grab the ‘roadblock’ clue and see it is first come first served. A sprint ensues to the stickers on the sticker stand. Brian Paolo contributes for once and raises his ‘6’ sticker. Bill snags ‘7’. Aiellos were slow pokes and have ‘8’. Weavers are done the roadblock and are off to Rocket Park. Tony and Brian are in the centrifuge.
– AOL: You’ve got mail.
RACHEL: Thank you Lord.
Jesus H. Chris–Proud Supporter of America Online. He doesn’t endorse that Comcast crap.
– Weavers check into the pit stop in fifth. Phil asks why they weren’t happy. Linda says they are happy now and goes on to give a rather condescending confessional. Paolos slowly walk to Rocket Park after being inside the centrifuge.
– Bill and Billy are inside the centrifuge. Aiellos, Tammy, and Carissa are tense as they wait. Tammy leads the way but are only walking as well. David and Matt are done in the centrifuge.
– Tammy led them down the wrong path. Brian tries to get his family to change direction insisting it is another way but Tony asks somebody where it is and sure enough it is straight ahead. Poor Brian. That’s why he is never in charge of the maps.
– Gaghans have resorted to their age old strategy of running aimlessly. Aiellos see the Paolos ahead and chase after them.
BRIAN: You’re doing good, mom. You’re doing really good.
MARION: Keep in mind I’m approaching sixty years old.
BRIAN: You’re nowhere near sixty years old.
That’s the closest thing you hear to a compliment in the Paolo household.
– Bill tells Billy to push harder but points out Carissa who is running faster and carrying less than him. Bill says to focus on how fast the trailing team will be regardless of Billy’s fatigue. Gaghans try to figure out where to go.
CARISSA: Look at the signs. Look at the signs.
BILL: Thank you, Carissa.
Sure enough Bill listens to Carissa’s advice and they are pointed in the right direction. Sharpest nine year old to ever run the race. She ensures they have maps and a good sense of direction. Carissa is going to be a frontrunner if she applies to be on a real and legitimate season of The Amazing Race.
– Paolos log onto a computer. Brian wants to make sure the pit stop is not inside the room. Marion tells him to not be an idiot and to run outside. Gaghans walk by the Paolos and log on. The Paolos argue for a few more seconds before scrambling outside. They have no idea where to look. Paolos and Gaghans disperse. Aiellos log in and are running out. Matt claims he sees it. The three teams all spring throughout the park. Everyone yells at each other to run.
– Brian Paolo claps as his parents hit the mat. In the first leg the Paolos were sixth which led to Tony tackling Phil. When they were eighth last leg Tony avoided tackling. This leg they are sixth again. So what does Tony do?
Marion only warns Phil because Phil’s shrimp allergies have gone from ‘bad’ to ‘worse’ over the past few years.
– Zero suspense as the Gaghans are next to hit the mat. They are relieved. The sad piano music plays as the Aiellos land on the mat. A plethora of sighs. Phil tells them they are last and are eliminated. Silence. Matt pats David on the back. Tony pats Kevin on the back. Tony says the guys are all good guys. Matt’s respect for his new brothers is unsurmountable. Yep. He made up a word. Tony said they were good guys going in and that the race only confirmed it.
Next time on TAR: Weavers visit the grave of Papa Weaver, production teases the teams as they hug the perimeter of the US without leaving the country, and a team flirts with elimination ten minutes away from their house.
Tony.DJ.Brian. Marion 22.214.171.124
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
Rank the Teams:
2) The Rogers Family
One of the few teams I was looking forward to analyzing again in their short run. My analysis leads me to conclude they are not only the least entertaining team all season but also in the bottom tier for least likable. Denny seems like a man straight out of a 50s TV show where he expects dinner the moment he comes home from work, Brittney plays the “I’m just a girl so I can’t do _____ card, Renee plays the role of Donna Reed where she just wants everything to be perfect for everyone around her, and Brock is saturated with angst and hates rules.
If it were up to me I would eliminate them round one.
2) The Black Family
Ever wanted to see a crossover between The Cosby Show and The Amazing Race? What would be produced is the Black Family. They don’t scream or yell. The family works together to do fun little tasks. If an issue does come up they deal with it calmly and say it is all about trusting their family bond. They are not nasty to any teams.
In addition it plays out like a Cosby Show episode. At the beginning nothing happens to any of them and by the end nothing has happened to any of them. The 90s G-rated urban sitcom has officially played out.
P.S. Thanks for giving me a ton of material to work with in the first episode.
1) The Aiello Family
Kevin Aiello is such a drama queen. His ability to screw up directions in his hometown is a great storyline for episode two. Matt’s extremely goofy nature sets himself apart from the other in-laws. David Aiello barking at a 4×4 in the mud for hours may be one of the funnier moments in race history.
Just the fact it is three in-laws racing with their father-in-law is an intriguing dynamic. Tony is extremely protective of his daughters which forces the new sons to kiss his ring throughout the race. Add in all four having an extreme fear of insinuating eroticism and you have a very entertaining squad.
Rank the Legs
1) Middleburg -> Huntsville (Space camp! Teams finally book flights in an actual airport. Teams kept the screaming to a minimum this leg. Plus this leg looked exhausting with forcing kids to do the race at 1am to 5am in the morning. Mystery bus rides pinched the team’s nerves. David Aiello screaming rap lyrics at a 4×4 for thirteen attempts on a track is memorable when you cut it to Bill Gaghan who guns it on his first try. Bodies morphing in a centrifuge was a memorable experience. The 3-way sprint to the pit stop at the end makes it a memorable episode. Oh, and how can we forget the Weavers absolutely going bonkers in a waffle house at three o’ clock in the morning? And shunning the Godlewskis and Aiellos.
P.S. Groin slaps.)
2) Lancaster -> Middleburg (After viewers have grown accustomed to the disappointing nature of Family Edition, this episode breathes life into the season. Missed highway exits leads to screaming. Traffic congestion leads to screaming. An empty gas tank leads to screaming. Oh, and a government-based theme combined with the Civil War battle makes this leg very distinct like the Amish and NYC fusion of the season premiere. David Aiello’s errors were amusing as well as Papa Gaghan who refused to ask for directions at the reflecting pool. The big shoe gave me an excuse to reference Snoop Dogg so that was G double O D. And the Rogers were mercifully removed from the race.)
3) NYC -> Lancaster (The last time the race started in New York they flew to Johannesburg. This season they don’t even fly. They drive across a couple states. Viewers were extremely disheartened to see after two hours that the ten families only traveled a little over 100 miles from the starting line. The Gaghans have probably run from New York to Pennsylvania in less time than the several days it occupied in the show’s filming. This marked the first episode where Phil started became an Advil popper.)