TUF 7 episodes 4 + 5 + 6 ranking

Episode four

– Previously on TUF: An infectious disease sent Paul Bradley packing home. Patrick got a (not so) rare shot at redemption. At the first preliminary fight Jesse Taylor left Mike Dolce gasping for air. Team Forrest has control. Fifteen are still in the running for the title of the ultimate fighter.

– Intro time. I noticed that they specifically aired the confessional about Patrick losing to who the fighters think is the worst fighter in the house (Luke).

– Fight recap. Nick says it was explosive. Real descriptive. Patrick analyzes it further. Daniel says Mike fired a couple of shots but Jesse’s wrestling was too strong. No kidding. Brandon thought Mike would stand up the fight for longer than he did. Cale gives props to Jesse and is happy his team controls the ball. Wasn’t it once referred to as the hammer thanks to Shamrock?

– Jesse’s huge mouse under his left eye told him that his victory should be celebrated by alcohol. I hear doctors prescribed that as medicine. Like in the 1800s but I’m sure they had the expertise then. He opens and closes the door repeatedly until the blinds broke. He has the wind sucked out of his sails and Rampage’s sails. He breaks further blinds while fixing the blinds. Dante thinks he’s a good guy but a kid at heart. Eight blinds are broken. Jesse intends to be around for the long run.

– Rampage’s guys ask who will be fighting Dante. Chipper says he busts Dante’s balls and Dante busts his. Dante likes to break his chops. Whether it is the BB House, the Glass House, or the TUF House, every season needs a good showmance. I wonder if the busting of balls was blacked out on the live feeds? Dante will retire if Chipper beats him. Someone comments the house is too much fun.

– Training session for Rampage. He is coaching episode 1 confessional hog Gerald Harris. Rampage wants to work with every individual so he knows them prior to their fight. Rampage almost stepped out from taking the coaching job because he has never done it before. What happened to claiming it only required two seconds of thought before signing on? Everyone is at their respective stations. Rampage wants to be their friend too and wants to let the players get to know him. He asks around who his players think Team Forrest will pick.

– Rampage is convinced that Forrest will put forward their best guy against his worst guy. Patrick is training to fight Dante. Rampage brags that he submitted Patrick despite sucking at jiu jitsu. So Patrick better learn how to fight on the ground. Patrick gives his Bostonian accented confessional. He wants to give someone else the pain of losing take what’s theirs. Stealing is frowned upon in the UFC.

– Jesse has fungus all over his body. So Amir sprays weird stuff all over him. Meanwhile Chipper wants to fight anyone who is put in front of him and thinks Dante does not want to fight. Privately he says he does not think he will be picked and believes Dante is overconfident. He just wants to push it. Chipper tells Dante he will punch his face in and ground and pound then tells the audience that he thinks he can beat Dante no problem.

– Fight announcement. No Dana White present so Forrest Griffin hosts the meeting in almost a mocking manner towards Dana. It is Tim Credeur against Chipper Riddle. Forrest thinks Chipper’s heavy hands are tough but that Tim can take him. Chipper is surprised that he isn’t fighting Dante because he does not match up as well with him compared to Tim. Rampage thinks Chipper fighting the right fight will win.

– Tim wasn’t here to pick the easy fights and wants to go against fighters who will make himself a better fighter too. He goes on to throw Patrick Schultz’ name under the bus as someone who cannot improve Tim as a fighter. Jesse voices that Tim’s standup is better. Tim thinks Chipper’s confidence from breaking Dan Simmler’s jiu jitsu and his jaw is what he’s riding on but is not prepared for Tim.

– House time. Dante will bet 5k that Chipper will not make it out of the first round. Chipper is not a betting guy which Dante teases as a lack of confidence. Oh my goodness. This is House foreplay. I can smell it from a mile and four years away. Dante says he lives in Chipper’s head since the day he got here and is playing mind games. Geez. He’s even inside his head. If Chipper loses he has to give his cheques to Dante. Won’t matter because they’ll be splitting all of their earnings anyway. Dante gloats over previously being a used car salesman and is used to being in people’s heads. He is one dog hunting incident from being the next Brian Heidik.

– Tim has a less exciting story. He is only here to be the next ultimate fighter and doesn’t care about being famous nor being in the limelight. He just wants the wars. He wants to feel the bleeding and test the things inside of him that are solid. Stool samples don’t happen until after the fight. He thinks it’s only fun and the experience and the neato mosquito for Chipper. Huh.

– Chipper is skipping on the jumprope. He is excited. Boasts about his right hand and submission abilities. He will grind Tim out. That is a step down from sending a guy onto a stretcher in your last fight. Chipper talks about not training with a big gym. He trains in a small gym called the Rat Pack. I picture an African-American coach from the 1930s named Doc training him and he’s Little Mac. Real small gym. Rampage starts singing “We Taking Over”. It’s 2008 after all.

– Weigh ins. Matt weighs in his underwear. Everyone comments on the size of his p—s. Dana says Chipper does not have much experience but is big while Tim has trained with great guys and is experienced with losses to only two really good guys. They square off. Tim tells Chipper to look at him during the square-off. Jeremy May out of nowhere says those who talk s— during weigh-in are scared. When was this discovered, Jeremy? UFC 33? In Big John’s “Let’s Get it On” book.

– Chipper says that Tim is not very nice and that is how Tim pumps himself up prior to the fight. Chipper proceeds to talk s— about Tim’s serious s— at the weigh in. Chipper says Tim has only five years left in the sport and is on his way out while he has plenty of time. Tim acknowledges this as he burns incense. He knows this is his last chance to make the dream come true.

– Morning. On the ‘request list’ someone wrote a driver’s license and a picture of Chipper’s mom for Chipper. He says that was funny. He admits he is a mama’s boy but knows he must grow up. Tim does not think Chipper can beat him. It is supposedly not humanly possible.

– Rampage has written markers on the locker room signs. Matthew is known as “AKA Chipper” and Team Forrest’s locker room is “TEAM BROWN NOSE”. Everyone casually comments on Rampage’s joke. Tim thinks he has man strength while Chipper has kid strength. Did Tim not see Dan being sent away on a stretcher? He pulls out some French too. Must be the Louisiana nature coming out.

TIM CREDEUR / BREAUX BRIDGE, LOUISIANA / 10-2
MATTHEW RIDDLE / PALMERTON, PENNSYLVANIA / 1-0

– Dana introduces the fight and how Burger King is donating 5k. Rosenthal is our referee. They do not touch gloves. Chipper crouches down for a leg. Tim defends. Chipper moves to take Tim’s back while standing. He eventually gets him onto the ground and has a hook in. He does not have a body triangle. Tim is pinching Chipper’s toes. Isn’t small joint manipulation forbidden? Tim is the Tommy Lee of MMA given how much he is touching Chipper’s toes. Tim scrambles and they are on their feet. Tim punches and throws a couple leg kicks. Chipper punches and their bodies lock. They break. Tim throws a high kick but Chipper blocks. Chipper misses with a leg kick of his own and misses a punch. High front head kick by Chipper that causes a clinch but Chipper uses the momentum to toss Tim to the ground. Tim is against the cage. Tim gets up easily because Chipper didn’t secure his position. They exchange punches on their feet. Tim takes Chipper to the ground. Full guard. Chipper is against the cage. Tim bounces out of the guard hoping to gain a better position. He has an odd head lock from the side. Chipper swiftly moves to take Tim’s back. Tim goes for Chipper’s toes again. They are rolling about on the ground with their legs locked. Chipper is on top and reigns down a few punches. Back to an orthodox guard on the ground. Tim clutches Chipper’s body and flips him over. Full mount for Tim! Chipper is doing an excellent job of defending. Tim breaks through and connects with several unanswered strikes. Elbows. Rosenthal is warning Chipper to fight back. Chipper bucks but Tim has a body triangle on Chipper’s back. Blood on the mat. End of round. Chipper survived 45 seconds of full mount. Tim won the round.

– Rampage tells Chipper that he needs to win the next round. Tim claims he has plenty in the tank left.

– They do not touch gloves. Head kick by Chipper that is blocked. Chipper takes Tim down. Odd full guard here. Chipper is almost passing. Tim clutches Chipper’s body. Tim tries a spinning heel hook but Chipper escapes. Tim is now in Chipper’s full guard. Crazy pace for a preliminary fight.  Elbow by Tim. Whoever wins this fight will likely be kicked out for injury. Chipper’s feet is against the cage. Chipper is warned about the upkick. Tim stands up for half a second to allow Chipper to fire an upkick but Tim dodges it and swoops in for a huge elbow. Tim fires a few punches before creating enough space for Chipper to move. Tim goes for a head lock but Chipper has enough strength to stand up. Chipper swings for the fences and fires knees to the body in a Muay Thai clinch. Chipper works Tim to the ground. Full guard. Rosenthal warns them to work. Chipper is trying to land a few punches. Rosenthal warns again. Tim has a rubber guard. Chipper fires a few more rabid punches. Tim has an arm. Tim slaps on a triangle but Chipper gets out and Tim sweeps. Tim has side control but gives it up for a full mount. Tim searches for an armbar. He grabs it. Chipper is ready to tap. Stops. Then taps.

– Fight recap. Forrest thought there was a lot going on. Chipper liked that he was working him but then Tim worked him. Rampage thinks Chipper’s bloody nose bothered him. Tim said in round two they went back into the battle. Rampage told Chipper to let Tim up but Chipper wouldn’t let him up. When Tim went for the armbar Forrest told him to not do it because there was only 50 seconds left. Chipper thought the fight was fun.

– We see Rampage walk to a seat further away from the octagon. Forrest is proud of Tim’s jiu jitsu. If Tim listened to him he would be five grand poorer. Forrest is disconnected from how poor most of these fighters truly are.

– Rampage was disappointed that Chipper lost. Chipper preferred that they would be mad instead of disappointed. Chipper is still Chipper. Rampage really wanted that win.

– Next time on TUF: Rampage goes on a tirade. Bisping returns to the house. And Jeremy May pushes Matt Brown to the limit. Who’s gonna bring the heat (Karo Parisyan?) and be the next winner?

MIDDLEWEIGHTS

TEAM RAMPAGE

BRANDON SENE 2
CB DOLLAWAY 0
DANIEL CRAMER 1
GERALD HARRIS 0
JEREMY MAY 1
MATTHEW RIDDLE 11
MIKE DOLCE 0
PATRICK SCHULTZ 2

TEAM FORREST

AMIR SADOLLAH 1
CALE YARBROUGH 1
DANTE RIVERA 4
JESSE TAYLOR 1
LUKE ZACHRICH 0
MATT BROWN 0
NICK KLEIN 1
TIM CREDEUR 9

Rank the Fights
—-

1) Dan Simmler vs. Matthew Riddle (Guys? What happened? Which episode are we on? Did these two fight? I can’t remember if they fought. They didn’t fight? Was it an amateur bout? Was it real? F— you, Rampage tell me what happened!)

2) Matthew Riddle vs. Tim Credeur (The pace was great. There was some decent striking. Excellent back and forth on the ground. No idea who would win either. Tim pulled out the submission with only 50 seconds left in the fight to avoid a Cecil Peoples scorecard. Awesome.)

3) Josh Hall vs. Matt Brown (An incredible pace. Both guys gave it their all. Submission attempts, slams, kicks, punches, grappling. Funky positions on the ground. Another one of Rampage’s friends goes down. The unknown Cincinnati Kid takes it all with a really smart game plan. Best fight of the first two episodes beside the outrageous knockout.)

4) Cale Yarbrough vs. John Clarke (Excellent grappling match-up. Dropping seventeen pounds in one day can really affect your fighting ability.)

5) Tim Credeur vs. Erik Charles (Erik’s claim to being the fastest guy is debunked as Tim’s slick black belt jiu jitsu travels at rocket speed to successfully take Erik down and submit him within about thirty seconds. Great lessons to be taught from Tim’s technique.)

6) Luke Zachrich vs. Patrick Schultz (Great technique by both fighters except with Patrick taking himself down despite having the under hooks.)

7) Prince McLean vs. Mike Dolce (An overall good match I s’pose. Striking and grappling proves both of them were very capable of making it into the house.)

8) Steve Byrnes vs. Amir Sadollah (A slow war of attrition before Amir pulls out the victory/the arm.)

9) Nick Rossborough vs. Jesse Taylor (There was a guy who somewhat resembled Slim Shady and possessed a Boston Rob accent. That’s about it.)

10) Jeremy May vs. Dave Roberts (Nothing noteworthy about this early bout. Rampage loses a dear friend.)

11) Mike Dolce vs. Jesse Taylor (Jesse could have finished the fight so much earlier. Or be more aggressive with his excellent position. Same goes for Dolce in the few instances when he had the dominating spot.)

Episode five

– Previously on TUF: Chipper showed disrespect for his elder. But when he was called out into the octagon it was Tim who dealt out the spanking. Dealt out the spanking? Really? That’s extremely immature for a voiceover’s standards. Now Team Forrest has two wins and gets to pick the next match-up. Who will claim victory and continue the journey to be the nest ultimate fighter? Steve Urkel.

– Intro time withthatawfulthemeBOOmanotherterribleverseandachorus. Luke’s picture is in front of a pitch black screen. They got lazy on the fifteenth picture.

– Fight recap. Chipper got the takedown. Chipper used his Thai Boxing to beat up Tim. He was winning the second round but he was worn down and the jiu jitsu is what won the fight. Tim knows Chipper made him a better fighter. The storyline from last episode how he didn’t want to fight Schultz because Schultz wouldn’t make him better continues.

TIM: I’ll buy you an Xbox.
CHIPPER: Are you serious?

Chipper gets to re-enact that viral video where he was seven and really excited to receive a Nintendo 64 for Christmas. I think he’s happier about having an Xbox than the possibility of winning the fight.

– Van time. Rampage’s team. They all agree to be Chip n Dale’s if fighting does not work out. Chipper is stoked Tim is buying him an Xbox 360 and believes that he won. Chipper does some promotional work as he realizes the UFC game will be out by the time he is out of the house. Jeremy joked that if you defend an armbar you get the Xbox. Riddle thinks that was a jerk comment. The whole van goes silent. They are equally unimpressed. Jeremy is marked as the Matt Hammill, Sam Hoger, and Andy Wang of his team.

– House time. Odd punk rap music plays. A few guys are in the hot tub. Jeremy watches from the inside with his luggage. Someone from the hot tub tries to get back inside but the door is locked. They shrug from the outside window thinking who would be such a jerk to do so.

– Jeremy did it. He is bored. He goes to the ceiling and spray paints ‘Jeremy The Bam May Lives’.

JEREMY: Dude this house bores you so that–uh, I definitely miss having sex like two to three times a day but when I get back I might break my girlfriend’s back. You never know. *snort*

If you say that to the camera knowing it will be broadcast to the world I imagine that none of those statements are true. Sorry Jeremy. I won’t believe a word you or Marlon Sims says. The snort was a tell.

– Nick thinks Jeremy acts like a kid and pretends to be a bada– mothaf—a by doing things like chalking up the ceiling. He is baffled. How does that prove Jeremy is a bada– mothaf—a? He wants Jeremy to stop acting like a child.

– Jeremy throws a ball at Jesse and tells Jeremy to quit. Jesse sounds like Napoleon Dynamite. Jeremy throws it again and steals Jesse’s gatorade. Jesse is trying to keep his temper under control. He wants to deal with Jeremy in the cage.

– Rampage training session. He wants everyone to show him that they want to be here. He hates that his team is getting beat by fighters worse than them. So he brings in somebody who has won the show. Enter Bisping. Good friends with Rampage. The fighters are not shown their reaction to Bisping’s entrance. He grapples with a few guys in the cage. Brandon thinks it is cool to train with someone who he watches on TV. Bisping gives them a pep talk.

BISPING: This is the biggest opportunity of your life. It changed my life completely. Don’t slack on your training, don’t get drunk at the house, eat right, get your sleep in. Everything I didn’t do.

Bad joke but yet they all laugh. -_-

– Jeremy foresees fighting this round but Rampage disagrees and thinks it will be Pat.

– Forrest training session. It is a dream come true for Matt. Sparring day. Forrest wants Brown to not sparr so hard. Jesse says Matt’s nickname is Matt ‘Mothaf—a’ Brown. They all comment on how intense he is. Winner’s edit? What an unusual side scene.

– House time. Jeremy took Matt Brown’s dip and puts lime juice in it.

JEREMY: I don’t see anything in the rules about not f—ing with the other team.

No. That rule does not come into effect until Survivor: Samoa when Probst wants to garner as much ratings as possible. Although in that case it was a matter of f—ing with your own team.

– Tim Credeur is shaking his head. He wonders what God’s green universe is Jeremy on that it would be a good idea. He is convinced Matt will punch holes into Jeremy when he finds out. Jeremy gloats from above. Matt calls out Jeremy after he knows what he does.

JEREMY: It was a joke.
MATT: Are we tight like that?
JEREMY: Uhhh. . ..
MATT: It’s okay cause you’re the next fight now. Start getting ready.

– Matt walks away before he was going to punch Jeremy. He’ll wait until the cage to punch him.

– Fight announcement in the gym. No Dana anywhere. Forrest runs the meeting for the second episode in a row. He recaps Tim’s win. Dante Rivera is fighting Brandon Sene. Matt says that assuming Dante wins that the next fight will be him against Jeremy.

– Rampage training session. Brandon is supposedly tough and brave. Rampage is convinced Brandon will knock Dante out. Brandon thinks Dante has more to lose because Brandon is 2-0 while Dante has made a life out of this. I think that means you have more to lose with your undefeated record. He was a sniper in the Marines and thus has composure.

– Forrest training session. Cameron researched his opponent. He knows Brandon made a mistake in his notes in terms of technique. So he is teaching Dante counter it. Dante thinks he is a conditioning maniac. Forrest believes this is a good fight for Dante but Brandon is much bigger so Dante has to take Brandon down.

– Fight day already. No weigh-ins. Sounds like a long fight. Brandon thinks he is the underdog (really?). They sparr in the locker room.

BRANDON SENE / TAMPA, FLORIDA / 2-0
DANTE RIVERA / JACKSON, NEW JERSEY / 10-2

– Dana must be tired of making the same speech. He must have asked Burger King to be a sponsour just so the speech would be different this season. Mazzagatti is our referee.

– They touch gloves. Few shots from Dante before they both clinch each other. Hot. Brandon is against the cage. Both are in a deep embrace. Brandon shuffles along the cage but it is as fruitless as getting away from Antoine Dodson’s sister’s attacker. Antoine ain’t around to pull him off of  him. Dante gets the takedown. Side control. Headbutting by Dante is missed. He gets away with it like he’s Clay Guida. Dante twists Brandon’s arm but he leaves a big gap for Brandon to escape. Back on their feet. Clinch. Brandon against the cage. Knees from Brandon. Brandon turns the tables and delivers knees to the left leg. Punches to the ribs. Dante returns with a knee. Brandon knees the body. Dante turns the tables. He has the underhooks. He struggles for thirty seconds in the clinch to get a takedown before resting Brandon against the cage. Mazzagatti tells them to work. Action has stopped. Mazzagatti breaks them up. They touch gloves. Dante tries another takedown. Brandon has a headlock on Dante. Dante pulls off a HUGE slam and Brandon’s head bounces off the cage. Brandon strikes from the bottom. Dante is on his feet which means Brandon can upkick. Dante sinks into Brandon’s full guard. Brandon wants to be back up but Dante holds him on the mat. Dante pulls for a heel hook. So does Brandon. Brandon pulls his feet off but Dante has side control before Brandon escapes. Dante attempts a last second armbar but time expires. End of round.

– They touch gloves. Circle. Circle. Brandon cuts him off. A couple strikes before Dante clinches. Brandon is against the cage. Knees from Brandon. Dante is doing nothing but holding. Brandon looks at Steve in frustration. More punches and knees from Brandon. Dante refuses to give up position. Brandon works for an underhook.

Mazzagatti is the worst referee.

MAZZAGATTI: Stop! Stop!
(DANTE takes BRANDON down.)
MAZZAGATTI: Uhhhh, keep fighting!

I love how fighters have zero respect for Mazzagatti’s directions. At least it is not Cecil Peoples refereeing. Have you seen any fights that he has been in control of? Painful to watch. No concept of when to stop a fight.

– We continue. Dante has half mount as Brandon is on the ground parallel to the fence. Punches and elbows from Dante. Brandon returns the favour. Brandon is back on his feet but still in a clinch. Dante has Brandon against the cage. Dante is looking for a Russian leg sweep. Several seconds later and Dante sweeps. Half mount yet again. Brandon has his mouth wide open like Mason. Elbows from the bottom via Brandon. Dante is trying to free a leg to be in side control. Brandon sweeps and has side control on Dante. Brandon elbows and punches Dante’s head. Hammer fists. Everyone in the gym is screaming. Dante traps a leg. Half mount. Brandon tries to use the momentum from the elbow. Very weak hammer fists. Brandon gets full mount with four seconds left. Brandon lifts up Dante at the end of the round. Everyone prepares for overtime. People think it’s either overtime or Dante won.

– We return. Everyone speculates. Coaches ask. Mazzagatti says they are going to a third round. They touch gloves. Crowd is more fired up than ever. Brandon fires a jab but Dante shoots. Brandon defends. Dante shoots and Brandon defends. Dante goes for a Muay Thai clinch. Brandon is in the all too familiar position of being against the cage. Brandon is throwing knees. They do nothing on the cage for several seconds. Mazzagatti breaks them up. They touch gloves. Dante lands a huge overhand left that crashes into Brandon’s elbow. They clinch. Dante has Brandon against the cage. Dante dives to get a stronger hold on Brandon’s legs. Dante uses the leverage to get Brandon to the ground. Full guard. Brandon fires strikes from the bottom. Brandon is doing more damage from the bottom. Dante is simply resting his head on Brandon’s chest. Dante stands up. Brandon upkicks. Dante goes back in to improve to side control. Dante knees the body. He works for an arm but Brandon frees it. Dante hesitates kneeing the spine and stops before doing so. More kneeing of the sides. Brandon needs to do something quick. Brandon keeps bucking. Dante has had side control for three minutes but has done nothing with it. End of round. Both are instructed to walk around and raise their hands.

– Fight recap. Dante got the takedown. Brandon scrambles to his feet and throws hard knees. Brandon from his back is throwing elbows and punches. Little bit of ground and pound in round two. Dante got swept with 22 seconds left. In round three Dana thought Brandon inflicted the most damage but Dante stayed busy. Dana is not overly impressed with either guy being in the UFC.

– Dante is declared the winner. He wanted to finish the fight but Brandon was tough. Dana says judges score for different reasons. The one universal thing that all judges should be looking for is who does the most damage. Dana thought Brandon fulfilled that requirement.

– Rampage is pissed. He thought Dante did nothing but stall. That Dante didn’t fight. Rampage overturns stuff in the locker room. He knows he is losing it and walks into the parking lot. Rampage has had his temper under control for many years and used to go to anger management but they made him angry. I love Rampage.

– Rampage slaps a parking sign to the ground before re-entering the gym. Everyone tells Brandon that he whooped Dante even from the back. Rampage doesn’t see how Dante won the fight. The one assistant coach tells Brandon to stay positive. So do the other fighters.

– Fighters quietly celebrate Dante’s win. Forrest doesn’t think it was that bad of a decision. He thought Dante did more takedowns and control.

– Fight announcement. Already? There’s two minutes left. Could they possibly announce the fight, prepare, then have a knockout in like two seconds? What is going on here? In any case, Forrest holds the meeting for the third round in a row. It is Matt Brown and Jeremy May. They square off. Jeremy levels his height to show how much taller he is. He goes on to say Matt Brown has small man complex.

– FORREST: If Chuck Norris was a real person and not an evil alien robot he’d be Matt Brown.

How many punches has Forrest taken to the head?

MATT: I’m just letting him know this is how the fight is gonna be here right here. Right in your face. Except it’s not gonna be my face in your face it will be my fist in your face.

– Forrest says that because Jeremy put lemon juice in Matt’s tobacco that he wanted this fight. What you don’t do to a southern man is put lemon juice in his tobacco. It’s unacceptable.

Next time on TUF: The grudge match is on. Someone predicts Matt will win by murder. Will Jeremy’s head games pay off? Or will Matt Brown’s rage put the punk in his place? Then get ready for another preliminary fight all in one episode.

MIDDLEWEIGHTS

TEAM RAMPAGE

BRANDON SENE 7
CB DOLLAWAY 3
DANIEL CRAMER
GERALD HARRIS
JEREMY MAY 5
MATTHEW RIDDLE 2
MIKE DOLCE 1
PATRICK SCHULTZ

TEAM FORREST

AMIR SADOLLAH 0
CALE YARBROUGH
DANTE RIVERA 6
JESSE TAYLOR 2
LUKE ZACHRICH 1
MATT BROWN 6
NICK KLEIN 1
TIM CREDEUR 3

Rank the Fights
—-

1) Dan Simmler vs. Matthew Riddle (Guys? What happened? Which episode are we on? Did these two fight? I can’t remember if they fought. They didn’t fight? Was it an amateur bout? Was it real? F— you, Rampage tell me what happened!)

2) Matthew Riddle vs. Tim Credeur (The pace was great. There was some decent striking. Excellent back and forth on the ground. No idea who would win either. Tim pulled out the submission with only 50 seconds left in the fight to avoid a Cecil Peoples scorecard. Awesome.)

3) Josh Hall vs. Matt Brown (An incredible pace. Both guys gave it their all. Submission attempts, slams, kicks, punches, grappling. Funky positions on the ground. Another one of Rampage’s friends goes down. The unknown Cincinnati Kid takes it all with a really smart game plan. Best fight of the first two episodes beside the outrageous knockout.)

4) Cale Yarbrough vs. John Clarke (Excellent grappling match-up. Dropping seventeen pounds in one day can really affect your fighting ability.)

5) Tim Credeur vs. Erik Charles (Erik’s claim to being the fastest guy is debunked as Tim’s slick black belt jiu jitsu travels at rocket speed to successfully take Erik down and submit him within about thirty seconds. Great lessons to be taught from Tim’s technique.)

6) Brandon Sene vs. Dante Rivera (‘Twas a fine grappling match for a good chunk of it. Fights going to the third round avoids BS decisions. For the most part. Unfortunately this fight should have been a draw in round three and go to a fourth round. Oh well. It triggered Rampage flipping over s—.)

7) Luke Zachrich vs. Patrick Schultz (Great technique by both fighters except with Patrick taking himself down despite having the under hooks.)

8) Prince McLean vs. Mike Dolce (An overall good match I s’pose. Striking and grappling proves both of them were very capable of making it into the house.)

9) Steve Byrnes vs. Amir Sadollah (A slow war of attrition before Amir pulls out the victory/the arm.)

10) Nick Rossborough vs. Jesse Taylor (There was a guy who somewhat resembled Slim Shady and possessed a Boston Rob accent. That’s about it.)

11) Jeremy May vs. Dave Roberts (Nothing noteworthy about this early bout. Rampage loses a dear friend.)

12) Mike Dolce vs. Jesse Taylor (Jesse could have finished the fight so much earlier. Or be more aggressive with his excellent position. Same goes for Dolce in the few instances when he had the dominating spot.)

Episode six

– Previously on TUF: Controversial decision sends Rampage on a tear. Jeremy May pisses Matt Brown off. Matt Brown gets his wish and the fight is on. Now get ready for Brown vs. The Board of May. Who will win this whole thing eventually?

– Intro time. Thirteen people still in contention as of episode six. That is a bit much if you ask me. Luckily there will be two match-ups this episode. And likely for the remainder of the season come to think of it.

– Shots of The Strip. One of the fighters is drinking a ton of unnamed orange liquid. Luke is looking forward to telling crazy stories to his kids about Matt Brown. Everyone wants to call him Matt “The Smackdown” Brown. When Matt asks for new sheets he wanted a landmine. No idea what that joke by the other fighters means.

– At the house Team Rampage is drinking. Jeremy is the one leading the booze fest. Chipper specifically requests no lime juice. Amir sits down Jeremy to tell him to be responsible to his team. Jeremy claims to have done thirteen shots. Tim says that if him and Jeremy were the last two men on earth that Tim would quickly become the last man on earth.

– We get a strange confessional on the stairwell as Tim walks down. He talks about how Jeremy is everything that a fighter in this sport is proving themselves to not be. He wishes for Jeremy to be destroyed.

– Jeremy is playing mind games. He emptied out a vodka bottle but poured himself shots of water to convince everyone else he was drunk. Followed by a snort.

– Rampage training session. Jeremy is confident about the fight but not in a disrespectful way. His training is Jeremy Jiu Jitsu. The last time I heard someone invent their own fighting discipline it was called Joe Son Do. And we all know how that turned out after fifty Hackney groin strikes and a 900 year prison sentence.

– Jeremy pulls a Peter Griffin and yells in pain about his knee. Ice and a medic is called. Rampage feels bad about May’s bummed knee. We are told May has nursed it for over a week. Chipper says May’s conditioning is terrible because all he does is ride the bike.

– Forrest training session. Matt Brown is alone in the cage. He spits in the mat then stomps on it.

AMIR: I predict Matt Brown will win by uh. . .murder?

Cecil Peoples would say murder doesn’t finish fights.

– Nick points out that nobody knows what Matt is thinking or feeling. Occasionally Matt will say some things but they are manly. Matt finally speaks for himself. He used to get in trouble when he was a kid. He has been to jail and had a few brushes with death. Street fights. Drugs. Alcohol. I should note for the whole session intense horror music fit for Matthew Von Ertfelda has been playing. Boxing and MMA changed Matt’s life for the better. Forrest says Matt has heavy hands and will punch you full speed. If a guy can beat up his own teammates in training then the least he can do is fight someone on an opposing team to a pulp.

– Club music plays for the weigh-ins. It is the first official weigh-in brought to us by Direct TV. Alex Ybarra is here yet again. Gerald says if it is kept standing that Matt will win and if it is on the ground that Jeremy will win. Jeremy is 184 and Matt is 183.5. They square off again. Matt looks intense with a fist cocked while Jeremy tilts at his head and looks at him sweetly.

– House time. Chipper admits that Jeremy says obnoxious and offensive things all the time and is not funny. Chipper tells Matt that Jeremy has sparred only once. Chipper says he never thought he would share information with the other team but he has never disliked somebody this much in his life. He wants to chuck water bottles at him. Matt says Jeremy must be good if he beat somebody to get into the house. Chipper thought Jeremy should have shown Matt more respect.

– CHIPPER: I didn’t underestimate him. I said kick the knee.

When Chipper auditioned for Karate Kid he was the guy in the audience who called for the leg to be swept.

– Jerey said he has been using his knee to pace himself. We are shown a montage of Jeremy kicking a soccer ball around inside the house. His knee must be good after all. He says he has been using his knee as a way to sandbag throughout the competition. You’re in the best training camp you could possibly be for the next 40 days and you’re sandbagging it? Bad play. He claims it will clear his mind for the fight.

– Fight day. Locker rooms. Matt’s hands are being taped. Jeremy believes Matt is fighting off of emotion. Matt fight off of emotion? He is one of the most stone-faced contestants to ever be cast.

JEREMY MAY / OCALA, FLORIDA / 6-5
MATT BROWN / CINCINNATI, OHIO / 9-6

– Quick speech from Dana and a clean shaven Herb Dean appears. Rampage gives last second advice for Jeremy to keep his chin down.

– No touching of gloves. Mar misses a left and a right, barely connects with a knee then swings wildly against Matt who signals for Jeremy to give him some more. Uppercuts. Head kick from the left. Head kick from the right. Matt catches the leg and deals a huge right upper cut that sends Jeremy flying. He does an unnecessary backward somersault before lying on his back. Matt casually kicks his legs. He then swoops in to get side control. Forrest wanted him to let Jeremy up but Matt didn’t listen. Matt gets into full mount. Jeremy tries to sweep Matt and has an arm trapped. He flips over to straighten Jeremy’s arm but Jeremy slams Matt down to yank it out. He reigns down a punch. He tries to do another one but Matt trips him from the ground. Jeremy goes in but gives his arm and Matt makes another attempt. It fails. Jeremy is standing and tries to punch Matt a few times but misses. He gets into Matt’s  guard who looked for a submission. Jeremy is standing. Then goes back into the guard. Then standing. Matt stands up too but opts for going into Jeremy’s full guard. Matt has Jeremy against the cage. Matt has a strange choking side control attempt. Jeremy gets out. More side control from Matt. Matt has his knee on Jeremy’s stomach before going into north-south. Jeremy turns and they work in a clinch to their feet. Jeremy issues a knee. Jeremy runs away. He is EXHAUSTED. Jeremy misses with a really slow punch. His hands are down. Matt comes in with a hook that brings Jeremy down to grab Matt’s leg. But Matt brings him up to punch Jeremy’s chin again. Jeremy flounders on the ground. Matt reigns down a few punches from the standing position then kneels over Jeremy. Jeremy tries to grab but it is a clinch. Matt isn’t even clinching with him. He just deals an elbow to the head while both stand. Then Matt has a Muay Thai clinch and knees Jeremy’s chest. Jeremy has nothing to hold onto. Jeremy saunters a few steps before Matt kicks Jeremy in the chest and Jeremy is OUT. Herby stops the fight.

– Fight recap. Dana said Jeremy came out aggressive like he thought he would. Forrest said Matt did a lot of grabbing but not countering. He wanted the animal. Forrest conceded Matt knew best because Jeremy punched himself out. Rampage thought Jeremy should have gone to the gas station and put more than two dollars into the tank. Dana comments Matt landed a beautiful kick that landed on Jeremy’s chin. Ah. So it did land on the chin. Tough to judge by this angle.

– Matt is declared the winner. Jeremy is silent but standing with them surprisingly. Team Forrest is 4-0. Matt says his foot hurt from Jeremy’s face. Jeremy realizes his lack of cardio ruined it and said Matt got lucky.

– In the gym Forrest’s team gather on the floor. Forrest says having control of the matches is important but he never directly decides the matches. He asks who wants to fight this round. Two volunteer. They flip a coin. One of them wins. Forrest asks who he will pick and it goes to commercial.

– Fight announcement. Dana is there for once.  Luke Zachrich will fight Daniel Cramer. Tim thinks nobody gives Luke much credit. Dana says Cramer is the pretty boy who everyone thinks does not look like a fighter but in his first fight he looks like a fighter. Tim thinks Cramer is by far the hottest cast member and should be in the Abercrombie catalogue. Gerald says the dude can fight.

– Rampage is baffled. He asks Forrest how the fights are being picked. Forrest tells him that he is honestly flipping coins. Dana says nobody has done it before and that he is the luckiest guy ever. Rampage thinks it is crazy and asks his assistant coaches if that is really how Forrest is picking fights. They tell Rampage to not let it get to him. Rampage drives out of the parking lot.

– Forrest training session. Luke is training with Jorge Gurgel. He is still upset about being picked last. Tim thinks Luke will knock out Cramer in the first or second round.

– Weigh in. Cramer introduces his state and record. He worked at a country club. Rampage thinks Cramer is a sleeper.

– Fight day.

DANIEL CRAMER / BETHEL, CONNETICUT / 3-0
LUKE ZACHRICH / CINCINNATI, OHIO / 7-1

– Mazzagatti is our referee. They touch gloves. Cramer rushes with a few punches. Luke clinches Cramer and pushes him to the cage. Cramer pushes off and uses the momentum to throw punches in the clinch. They break away from each other. Cramer rushes into Luke but Luke counters Cramer with an awesome punch. Luke pushes Cramer into the cage. Both of them have palms against each other’s faces. Mazzagatti warns them to watch their fingers. They clinch. Knees from Luke but Cramer gets him into the cage. A knee from each of them. They walk along the perimeter of the cage. They break up the clinch. Luke is dancing around. He misses a few punches before another clinch. Luke knees. Cramer trips Luke but Luke has a hold of Cramer’s back but then are on their feet. They exchange quite a few punches. Luke knees Cramer in the chest. Luke misses an overhand. So does Cramer thanks to Luke ducking. Cramer rushes in for more punches of his own but looks exhausted. Luke knees the body in the clinch then backs away. Cramer takes a hold of Luke’s head and throws him to the ground but Luke gets back up. They clinch. Cramer fires a right before clinching again.  Framer fires several more rights. Luke gets a knee to the head. Luke fires a few punches. Then some more. Several go unanswered from Cramer. Cramer wildly punches some more. Luke tries a clinch.  They clinch. Cramer gets even more punches. They trade. Luke works Cramer into a takedown. Side control. Nobody is moving. Luke has Cramer’s back. He manipulates Cramer into a choke. Luke is squeezing but gives it up. Luke goes for some more punches. Both of them are resting. End of round. Luke takes forever to get up off of Cramer.

– Both noses are wiped which means it is time to fight. They do not touch gloves. Cramer lazily throws punches and Luke lazily defends it. Muay Thai clinch but broken. Luke comes in for punches. Cramer clinches Luke and brings Luke to the ground. Full mount. Elbows by Cramer. Luke rolls over to give his back to Cramer. Both are in slow motion. Cramer issues a few more punches. Mazzagatti tells Luke to fight. Luke has done nothing. 90 seconds of full mount. A few more strikes and the fight is over. Team Rampage’s first win.

– Fight recap. Dana thought this was a war. Rampage brags about Cramer’s head movement. Rampage excitedly talks in a really fast pace about the fight. Best fight he has seen in a long time.

– Cramer’s hand is raised. Cramer is happy to make Rampage happy. Locker room was great. Rampage mugs for the camera. Dana White tells Cramer he wins 10k. Luke meanwhile is disappointed and gives complete respect to Cramer. Cramer comes over to congratulate Luke in the locker room. Luke has never been TKO’d until then and gassed out. He did not expect to gas out like he did. He exits in the van.

– Dana says the score is 4-1. Rampage struts out of the gym and is muttering things like “yeah boy” under his breath. He is all smiles.

RAMPAGE: To finally be in control was like “yeah I’m in control”. I’m gonna go out tonight and celebrate. Nobody’s gonna know what I’m talking about but I’m gonna be like “I got control! I got control!” I’ll be dancing around like pop it like it’s hot and back that thang up like Janet Jackson and be bouncing it and snap pop and lock.

. . . . .

Next time on TUF: The final preliminary matches are announced and the three match-ups are announced. Team Rampage gets their first fight pick. A close fight sets both coaches off. And four more fighters step into the octagon. Who will hold on to be the next ultimate fighter?

MIDDLEWEIGHTS

TEAM RAMPAGE

BRANDON SENE 0
CB DOLLAWAY 0
DANIEL CRAMER 7
GERALD HARRIS 3
JEREMY MAY 7
MATTHEW RIDDLE 3
MIKE DOLCE 0
PATRICK SCHULTZ 0

TEAM FORREST

AMIR SADOLLAH 3
CALE YARBROUGH 1
DANTE RIVERA 0
JESSE TAYLOR 0
LUKE ZACHRICH 7
MATT BROWN 7
NICK KLEIN 1
TIM CREDEUR 6

Rank the Fights
—-

1) Dan Simmler vs. Matthew Riddle (Guys? What happened? Which episode are we on? Did these two fight? I can’t remember if they fought. They didn’t fight? Was it an amateur bout? Was it real? F— you, Rampage tell me what happened!)

2) Matthew Riddle vs. Tim Credeur (The pace was great. There was some decent striking. Excellent back and forth on the ground. No idea who would win either. Tim pulled out the submission with only 50 seconds left in the fight to avoid a Cecil Peoples scorecard. Awesome.)

3) Josh Hall vs. Matt Brown (An incredible pace. Both guys gave it their all. Submission attempts, slams, kicks, punches, grappling. Funky positions on the ground. Another one of Rampage’s friends goes down. The unknown Cincinnati Kid takes it all with a really smart game plan. Best fight of the first two episodes beside the outrageous knockout.)

4) Jeremy May vs. Matt Brown (Jeremy May acts like a jack— all season. His cardio is terrible. He appears that he may beat Matt Brown after all. But then the pain comes. And a sweet head kick KO.)

5) Daniel Cramer vs. Luke Zachrich (A fight where fatigue was a factor. Both of these guys deserve credit for taking a bunch of knees and nasty hits before Luke had zero energy left in him and let Daniel win.)

6) Cale Yarbrough vs. John Clarke (Excellent grappling match-up. Dropping seventeen pounds in one day can really affect your fighting ability.)

7) Tim Credeur vs. Erik Charles (Erik’s claim to being the fastest guy is debunked as Tim’s slick black belt jiu jitsu travels at rocket speed to successfully take Erik down and submit him within about thirty seconds. Great lessons to be taught from Tim’s technique.)

8) Brandon Sene vs. Dante Rivera (‘Twas a fine grappling match for a good chunk of it. Fights going to the third round avoids BS decisions. For the most part. Unfortunately this fight should have been a draw in round three and go to a fourth round. Oh well. It triggered Rampage flipping over s—.)

9) Luke Zachrich vs. Patrick Schultz (Great technique by both fighters except with Patrick taking himself down despite having the under hooks.)

10) Prince McLean vs. Mike Dolce (An overall good match I s’pose. Striking and grappling proves both of them were very capable of making it into the house.)

11) Steve Byrnes vs. Amir Sadollah (A slow war of attrition before Amir pulls out the victory/the arm.)

12) Nick Rossborough vs. Jesse Taylor (There was a guy who somewhat resembled Slim Shady and possessed a Boston Rob accent. That’s about it.)

13) Jeremy May vs. Dave Roberts (Nothing noteworthy about this early bout. Rampage loses a dear friend.)

14) Mike Dolce vs. Jesse Taylor (Jesse could have finished the fight so much earlier. Or be more aggressive with his excellent position. Same goes for Dolce in the few instances when he had the dominating spot.)

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