The Ultimate Fighter 7 episodes 1 + 2 + 3 ranking

The Ultimate Fighter 7

Previously on TUF (yes on TV they recap the previous season) every season began with sixteen fighters. I recognize Koscheck’s pretty hair. A montage of all six seasons’ cast standing in the gym on day one.

DANA: You ready?
You ready?
You ready?
You ready?
You ready?
You ready f—ers?

Some seized the moment. Others lay naked by a pool or quit or engaged in a street fight. This season an ominous voice tells us it’s all going to change.

Wait? That’s all you’re telling us? You’re such a tease, voiceover.

– We begin day one in the gym. No van ride. No introduction to Vegas. Just a bunch of people in a gym. Our first confessional comes from middleweight CB Dollaway who talks about walking in with fifteen guys and that he’s finally made it. Another guy named Gerald Harris looks up the banners of Hall of Famers and hopes to be up there one day. They’re all smiling and having a good time.

– Then the dramatic music plays. Eight more guys walk through the doors on top of the sixteen. Gerald expresses confusion. And then ANOTHER eight. What?! 32?! Are they going to have to race to the other end of the beach for immunity and sixteen of the fighters will be Jonathan and Wanda’d? What in the nickelodeon is going on here?

– The smiles turn to frowns. Amir Sadollah says the demeanour was different. Everyone got more quiet. Some are nodding and psyching themselves up. Jeremiah notices there are thirty-two and thinks something is up.

– Dana enters. He tells them to gather around. Dana utters his first curse word of the season within ten seconds of his presence as his reaction to 32 people lined up is ‘holy s—‘. It’s like a public school after budget cuts. Dana welcomes them. He is going to bring out the coaches. Season one. Won the show. And beat the #1 fighter in the world Shogun. It is Forrest Griffin. The Shogun fight was great and you should see it.

FORREST: My first thought when I walked in was the same one I had when I was on the show. “Oh s—, what have I got myself into?”

Dana introduces the other coach. PRIDE FC superstar for many years. We are treated to many slams and wolf wailing.  The only man to knock out Chuck Liddell. The light heavyweight champion. It’s Rampage. Rampage thought about coaching on TUF because he’s never coached anyone before. He thought about it for approximately two seconds before accepting.

– Dana makes an odd comment that Rampage looks a lot bigger on TV. A hint that Rampage is more endearing on the show or that he is mortal and therefore his team loses? Who knows. Dana says their opportunity now is to stay for six weeks and train with the best fighters in the UFC and win this thing. Cue Rampage flexing his guns like he’s Colonel Guile.

DANA: What I get tired of every f—ing season drives me f—ing crazy. The p—ies and the poseurs who come on this show and want to be fighters but then the cameras bother them or they get nervous or don’t want to fight or do this. It makes me sick to my stomach because of all the people out there who want to fight and have the opportunity. I’ve found the f—ing solution to that problem. There are 32 guys here. The next 48 hours are going to be the most f—ing important of your life. Because this season you will fight your way onto the show.

RAMPAGE: I think some of em crapped their pants. I smelt it.

Whoever smelt it dealt it, Rampage?

So tomorrow they will weigh in then the following day there is a flight. The coaches will evaluate the fights. Rampage and the assistant coaches will be assigned to corner half of the fighters and Forrest will corner the other half. Once the coaches have evaluated the sixteen fights then it will be whittled down to sixteen. The match-ups are already set up. Dana says it will prove who the real fighters are and who the poseurs are. The gym will be open and the staff is open to help all of them.

FORREST: No pressure.

Reggie Orr is stoked they all have to fight. John Wood thinks it sucks to do it this way. Brandon Sene quit his job and sold his car to come out here so the idea of being sent home after 48 hours makes him sick. Jeremiah pipes in that he only needed one hour.

STEVE: We all came here to fight. Whether it was the first day or the end of it all. So let’s get it on.

Big John wants his royalties.

Nightfall. Sun is up. All sixteen middleweights go onto the scales one at a time. John Clarke admits to cutting seventeen pounds in a single day. That can’t be healthy. Nobody would say you’re a pussy if you failed to drop seventeen pounds on one day’s notice. Dana congratulates him and John whines he’s dying of thirst. What? You want water? You are such a poseur!

– We are shown the other fifteen all weighing in and squaring off with unnamed people in their own weight class.

FORREST: They all looked great. A bunch of naked dudes. Fantastic.

– Fight day. Surely all sixteen fights cannot be shown? It must have been available online. Forrest says he will only pick fighters uglier than him. Rampage thinks the idea of sixteen fights is crazy and he’ll sit back with popcorn. Jeremiah says he will not go home. David looks forward to separating the girls from boys. On a show with all men I think it’s already been done for you.

– A montage of Vaseline, punches, kicks, and sparring in the locker rooms.

First match (brought to us by Burger King):


– Prince has been on a losing streak lately. If he loses he does not know what he will do. Mike believes that fighting so quick has shaken them up but Mike is happy to beat the living s— out of someone on national TV. Mike spits in the octagon. No octagetiquette.

– Dana introduces the fight. Two 5-minute rounds. Luck is wished. Herb Dean our referee. Fight clock sponsoured by Direct TV.

– They touch gloves. They prance around for a bit. Leg kick by Prince countered by Mike who tries to punch but Prince blocks. Mike lands a huge punch on Prince’s chin and gets him down. Prince launches an upkick but Mike backs away. Mike pops into half mount. Prince rotates and is on top. Mike stands him up and takes Prince to the mat. Side control. A window in the top right appears to hear the coaches’ comments as well as Dana. Rampage likes Mike’s personality. Dana thinks Mike is crazy. Prince is getting out and both are up. Mike launches a couple punches in the stand-up and one lands square on the chin and Prince goes limp against the cage. Mike swoops in to Prince’s back to deliver more punches but Herb Dean manages to pull Mike away after a couple punches. Dana applauds the performance like a Caesar observing a gladiator fight. Mike celebrates.


Okay, Chicken Morris.

– Rampage goes on to boast about Mike’s punching power and accuracy. Mike feels bad for Prince who was the recipient. Dolce heads over to the table where he shakes the coaches’ hands and Rampage comments on his funk. Rampage thinks the knockout power came from the funk and not the punch. Prince wants to stand but the doctors insist he stay sitting. Prince breaks down and cries. It is his first experience being knocked out. He cries in confessional and in the locker room too. He walks away from the exit interview. 1 down. 31 to go.

– Second match:


Yarbrough? I haven’t seen that last name since UFC 3 where Keith Hackney received the nickname of Giant Killer and where Daiju Takase spun around in a circle for ten minutes. John Clarke who dropped seventeen pounds is the opponent.

– Cale is the youngest one with the least experience. He intends to push the pace because he knows John dropped seventeen pounds. He is a buddy of Forrest’s. Forrest thinks that John is the worst opponent because John’s wrestling is something Cale has not prepared for. We are re-introduced to John. John is at peace this is his last run at MMA. He doesn’t want to fight for 500 bucks in Boston bars every month.

– A referee who I don’t recognize tells them to fight. They touch gloves. John Clarke slips when walking backwards. Cale deals leg kicks. Overhand right. So does John. John goes in for a takedown. Forrest thinks that’s garbage. John deals punches in the full guard. And some more. Cale has a body triangle. John creates distance. John has his head against Cale’s feet. John gets side control and has a kimora. The coaches think he has it. John keeps punching the back of the head repeatedly. I think the ref is Rosenthal. John has Cale’s right arm and flips over Cale to take Cale’s back. Another flip but John fails to lock on a body triangle as he holds Cale’s back. They stand up with John still having Cale’s back. Back suplex. Cale crashes but is conscious. Cale turns into John to be on top in John’s guard. More flipping. John attempts another kimora. Cale appears to have his arm locked but flips around and gets out of it! John is against the cage and has Cale’s head in a headlock. Cale stands up and kicks John’s face against the cage. Misses a roundhouse. But lands a jab. John is exhausted on his knees.  Cale leans in to connect with upper cuts. John is turtling. Hammer fists. Rosenthal stops the fight. Dana concludes that John gassed out. Forrest thinks the weight cut was too much. Cale wins and feels awesome. No exit confessional from John considering he banked three prior to the fight.

Third match:


– Two guys we already know. We are re-introduced to Amir. He says he is 5-0 as an amateur and is excited to be here in the house to fight and not just be pretty. Only a little pretty. Steve’s fighting style is a wrestler then grappled in the Marine Corps. Forrest comments Steve has the fire in his eyes. Steve fought in UFC Fight Night 7 and had the jitters. This is his first crack at the UFC since.

RAMPAGE: Go Marine. Hoo Rah.

– Rosenthal tells them to fight. They touch gloves. Front body kicks by Amir. Steve grapples him. Amir has a headlock. Steve works to have the under hooks. Steve eventually gets Amir to the ground. Half mount. Full guard. Both are rocking back and forth. Close distance. Rampage loves Steve’s haircut. Somebody is bleeding from their nose. We’ve been in full guard forever. Steve gets a leg out. Half mount. Elbows from Steve. Amir turns into it and squats up with Steve attached to him before slamming Steve to the ground. The tables have turned. Steve has his legs locked around Amir’s arm. A lot of weight pulling down on the arm as Amir is standing up. He rests against the cage. Amir uses his left arm to punch. Steve is still yanking. Amir pulls it out then moves swiftly to get into Steve’s guard. Half guard. Rampage thinks Steve is not a good listener and is writing notes on him. Amir is punching until Steve pushes him off and gets into Amir’s guard. Forrest hates it. Dana says he should be cheering for the marine. Amir is the one whose nose is bleeding. Amir is elbowing Steve from the bottom repeatedly. He punches Steve hard enough that the mouthguard pops out. Steve has side control but Amir’s strikes from the bottom hits Steve’s face harder than Steve’s punches from up top. End of round one,

– Here we go. They touch gloves. Head kick by Amir. Superman punch somewhat blocked by Steve. Steve goes for a takedown by kneeling to take Amir’s legs. Amir spins and Steve lands the takedown. What happens is that Amir is really high on Steve’s back. Steve manipulates Amir into pulling full guard. Amir begins punching. Steve wraps around to have Amir’s back. Steve has an arm from the bottom but against the cage. Amir reigns down a punch. Steve gives up the arm and moves away. Steve goes for a leg as Amir is on top of his back. Amir takes an arm but Steve gets out. Amir lands a punch on a jaw. Then a knee. Then crashes Steve into the cage on their feet. Steve goes for a takedown but his energy is zapped. He gets the takedown but half a second later Amir has Steve’s back and his legs around Steve’s arms. Steve flips a few more. Amir out of nowhere has side control and brings down elbow after elbow after elbow as he rests on Steve. Steve barely gets half guard but Amir has full mount. Amir rolls over and lets Steve sweep him to get full guard. Amir takes an arm and uses his legs to stretch it for an armbar. Submission. Amir runs in joy to sit on the top of the cage but completely bails back onto the octagon.

– Rampage likes the nature of a back and forth fight and impressed by Amir. So was Forrest. Assistant coaches congratulate on Steve having a good fight. He doesn’t look like someone happy with having a good fight. Amir thinks that the three people at the table are happy with his performance. GSP was not impressed, though. Steve exits silently as we move on.

– Highlights from the following four fights are brought to us by The Ruins. Another one of the many movies and TV shows that sponsour TUF and the UFC that end up doing poorly. It’s a thrilling picture according to the voiceover.





– We see some punches, kicks, and a takedown by CB. David turtles. Twenty million strikes later and Herb stops the fight. Forrest and Dana are impressed. No exit confesh from Baggett. We shall mourn him and how he came here to fight whenever he was meant to do so. Say a prayer. Amen. Done. Next fight.

– Dahte takes John. Rampage thinks Dahte showed an excellent source of strength and essentially walked John across the octagon. Rampage hopes to learn from Dahte although the Arona slam is something Dahte should be picking up from Rampage. John Wood thinks it sucked they did the 32-person format at the beginning and now we see why. Because he wanted twelve weeks of TV exposure knowing he would likely lose his first fight.

– Two silent creatures fight. David is a friend of Forrest’s. However David was taken to the ground and choked out easily from the half guard. Nick pulls David up. Mr. Klein thinks he did a good job of showing how hard he has been working. He knows he belongs here and that his gym will be recognized.

– And now the fourth fight of the highlights. It’s a kickboxer vs. wrestler fight. Paul Bradley’s wrestling skills were shown off as Paul lays and prays for ten minutes. Dana is not impressed and thinks it is like watching turtles fight. Rampage jokes the guy could be the next ultimate fighter. Dana is okay with one “bad” fighter out of sixteen. Commercial.

– An unnamed guy is matched up with Dave Roberts. Dave is training with Rampage because they have known each other is fifteen. They wrestled with each other in high school.

RAMPAGE: In high school we told everybody that we were brothers but had two different dads. They believed us.

A brother from anotha fatha.

– Rampage tells unnamed guy not to look over at their training ten feet away.


Unnamed guy is Jeremy May. He thinks fighting has to do with how mentally strong you are. Like we haven’t heard that one before. Dave is convinced this fight is the most important of his life. Rosenthal is our referee.

– They feint touching gloves before doing so. Dave fires a legkick. So does Jeremy. Then Dave. Overhand by Jeremy. Jeremy has some ugly punching. Jeremy has Dave against the cage. Dave clinches but Jeremy foot stomps. Jeremy lands a punch on the chin that drops Dave. Jeremy swoops in but Dave recovers and takes Jeremy down. Jeremy manoeuvres his legs to lock on an armbar. Dave taps.

JEREMY (schoolyard voice): I’m going to the houuuuuuuuse.

Gracious in victory.

– Rampage says that fight was the most disappointing fight of the night for him. Jeremy points at Rampage and Rampage smiles. Rampage was impressed by Jeremy’s reach and using it to his advantage.

JEREMY: Mind your own business.

Turnabout is fair play.

– Jeremy is in the locker room and Rampage asks where his boy is. May jokes that he’s in the ER. Now the light-hearted banter is pissing Rampage off and tells Jeremy to simmer a bit. Jeremy says nothing is personal because it’s his job to bash people’s faces in and it so happened to be Rampage’s best friend.

– Rampage finds Dave. Dave is not happy and is very disappointed more so than any other loss. His dream goal was to get into the UFC and feels he let Quinton down. Rampage leaves Dave to sulk.

Next time on TUF: Eight have advanced but eight more still need to advance. One more chance for the other sixteen to have a shot at being the next ultimate fighter. Oh, and one guy leaves in an ambulance.

Confessional counts



Rank the Fights

1) Cale Yarbrough vs. John Clarke (Excellent grappling match-up. Dropping seventeen pounds in one day can really affect your fighting ability.)

2) Prince McLean vs. Mike Dolce (An overall good match I s’pose. Striking and grappling proves both of them were very capable of making it into the house.)

3) Steve Byrnes vs. Amir Sadollah (A slow war of attrition before Amir pulls out the victory/the arm.)

4) Jeremy May vs. Dave Roberts (Nothing noteworthy about this early bout. Rampage loses a dear friend.)

Second episode

Previously on TUF: It began with 32. A harsh dose of reality as everyone fights their way into the house. Sixteen fought. Eight were victorious. CB Dolloway, Dahte Rivera, Nick Klein, and Paul Bradley all made it through. John Clarke gassed giving Cale Yarbrough the opening he needed. Mike Dolce cleaned Prince Mclean’s clock. Amir Sadollah survived Steve Byrnes’ assault and got an armbar in round two. Jeremy May earned his spot by defeating Rampage’s best friend Dave Roberts. Eight more match-ups to go. Sixteen more fighters get a shot at becoming the ultimate fighter.

– Intro. . .Wha? No intro for episode two. Thank God because that song is annoying the feces out of me.

– Rampage comments they are all ugly. Dana wonders if that is really his evaluation. Forrest’s evaluation is the one guy needs a haircut. Dana loves doing it this way that all 32 have to fight their way on.


No time wasted. Both are getting taped up. Matthew is being slapped around by Forrest’s assistant coach. Dan Simmler has a wicked beard. He has known Matt Serra for seven years and therefore people must expect much from him. Ouch. Did you see last season? I think everyone’s bar for Serra protegees is really low. Matthew compares it to the Olympics. He is happy and has a smile on his face. Being in the octagon will pump him up. Rampage is chuckling at Matthew’s smile. Matthew wants to prove he ain’t no p—y.

– Dana introduces the fight. Herby is our referee.

– They touch gloves. Matthew fires a leg kick but caught by Dan. Dan throws Matt down but Matthew tosses him during Dan’s own toss to get on top in full guard. Crazy. Matt stands up with a hand on a leg but Dan attempts to grab Matt’s leg leading Matt to spin. During the spin Dan jumps up. They’re both on their feet. Matt misses a leg kick. Both are dancing around. Half-hearted leg kick for Matt. Dan leads in but feints. Matt connects with a leg kick. Dan fires a head kick that somewhat connects. Dan jumps up to wrap his legs around Matt’s head but Matt tosses him down. Hammer fists by Matt. Dan gets on his feet and they grapple. Matt is against the cage. Underhook for Dan. Matt looks like Michael Cera. Dan gets Matt away from the cage but keeps the clinch. Matt is delivering knees to the body. Matt has the under hooks. Dan is against the cage. Matt goes for a few punches and a knee but it largely misses. Dan has Matt against the cage. Nearly takes him down but Matt defends. Frozen against the cage. Rampage wants a foot stomp. Dan attempts a sweep but fails. Knees instead. Dan has Matt on the ground but Matt has a leg and gets Dan up against the cage. He turns around and takes Dan down. Full guard. Action stalls. Herb tells them to work. Dan is looking to grab the head but Matt stands up above Dan. Matt is kicking Dan’s legs. Booty scoot for Dan. Matt comes in to deliver a couple punches. End o round as Dan tries an upkick.

– They touch gloves. Matt’s first punch lands Dan square on the chin. Dan drops and his head bounces against the cage. Herb runs in as Matt puts everything he has into two hammerfists before Herb tosses him away. Matt yells. Dan is out cold. He wakes up.

HERB: Get your bearings. Relax.

This looks bad, man. Ain’t never seen anything like this. Rampage agrees with me as he pipes in that he has never seen anybody moan on the ground like that. It took him a long time to get out of the most gruesome knockouts ever seen.

– Everyone in the gym looks on in concern.

DOCTOR: His jaw’s in trouble.


– Fight recap. Forrest said Dan came forward with a naked kick that you’d fire at an orthodox fighter but Matt countered with a right hook.

RAMPAGE: That was knockout of the century.

Not saying much considering it is 2008. 92 years for it to be trumped.

– Dana and Herb Dean are both impressed. So is Matt himself. The gym applauds. Forrest thinks that was great killer instinct. People help take Dan out of the gym as he sits down in the locker room.

DAN: Rampage. . .what happened?
RAMPAGE: I didn’t say anything to him.

I s’pose saying that a guy got knockout of the century may relapse the shock and moaning that we heard only minutes earlier.

DAN: Where the f— am I?
SOMEONE: Las Vegas, man.

Holy s—. This has got to be at least ten to fifteen minutes after laying on the ground. This is some serious damage.

DAN: Was there a fight?
SOMONE: It was a fight, dude.

Oddly enough this is the point where a stretcher is magically brought in and two paramedics on the scene.

DAN: Like a real fight? What happened?
SOMEONE: Your jaw is broken.
DAN: What the f— happened.

(Outside on the stretcher.)

DAN: Was this a real fight? What happened? What the f— happened? Was it a fight was it practice or what?

Wow. Something tells me he won’t know what happened until he sees this episode air months later.


We see a poster of Forrest who is covered in blood and cuts. Luke doesn’t know anything about Patrick except he doesn’t like his hair. Well, at least you’re not judging a book by its cover. Rampage is head bobbing. Luke feels comfortable on his feet. Patrick has a very Rob Mariano accent as he wants to be on the ultimate fighter after being in MMA for seven years. He goes further with his Bostonian background by describing the UFC as the Ivy Leage of MMA. >_> He doesn’t want to tap anybody but rather to finish the fight.

Since when did tapping out not finish the fight? Has he only seen the Bustamante-Lindland fight. But I digress.

– Mazzagatti tells them to bring it out. They touch gloves. Luke has a strange wide open stance. Patrick punches with a jab. Luke fires a legkick but Patrick catches it and punches Luke’s face which is wide open. He drops Luke and follows through with two more additional punches. He grabs ahold of Luke’s body. Patrick leans on top of Luke’s back. Luke scrambles away from Patrick on his back and both get to their feet. Patrick comes in but misses. A body kick is countered by Luke who throws a punch to the face. Patrick comes underneath but Luke uses his weight to lean on Patrick which leads to Patrick taking himself down. Rampage jots that down in his notes. Half guard for Luke. Patrick has a headlock. Luke fires a few punches to the head from this position. Patrick levers Luke over and has side control. Luke spins to take Patrick’s back. Both are grappling as Luke grips Patrick and takes him down to the mat on his butt. Full guard. Patrick is grabbing at arms. Luke has an arm across Patrick’s throat. Punch by Luke as he stands. Patrick has a wrist around Luke’s neck but Luke pulls out. Patrick has an arm of Luke’s behind his back on the ground. Luke has one free arm to punch in half guard. It’s out. Luke has his hands clasped behind Patrick’s head. Patrick is bucking but Luke takes Patrick’s back with a choke.  Patrick rotates a couple times before tapping out. Good ol rear naked choke. Assistant coaches congratulate Luke on the performance.

– Fight recap by Forrest. Patrick was on top but was uncomfortable and was reversed. Luke tapped him quickly from this position. Mazzagatti has a wicked Super Mario moustache again. Luke has been wanting to be on the show for a long time and is happy to finally make it. Patrick wanted to be on the show and watched every episode. He wishes to be an alternate.

– First conflict erupts between the coaches. Forrest’s assistant coaches have won nearly every fight. Rampage is starting to get irritated and wants to be borrow Forrest’s cornerman. He wants his cornermen to do better.


– Tim is a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu black belt and claims to be dangerous on the ground. He’s looking to break you. Erik is a striker and likes to hit it. He believes he is the fastest one out of all 32 and wishes to fight everyone. Herb is our referee.

– They touch gloves. Tim goes in for a takedown right away but fails as Erik is pushed against the cage. Tim switches legs and gets the takedown on Erik. Full guard. Rubber guard for Erik. Tim passes into side control. He has both of Erik’s arms paralyzed. Tim hammer fists a couple times as he secures the arm and yanks it. Fastest tap out. Erik not only wins fast but taps the fastest of everyone. His black belt is legit.

– Guys in the locker room are getting taped up. Rampage voices his frustration that his assistant coaches have sucked. Forrest sticks out his tongue. Dana says they can do whatever they want because no teams are picked yet and this is merely the evaluation period. Dana looks at Rampage and says it is time to release the pain.


No intros. Mazzagatti is the ref. One is 4-0 and one is 2-0. We see highlights of punches and knees. Forrest observes Aaron taking control of the match until Brandon got Aaron down. Aaron’s knee looks like it took the fall awkwardly. Dana comments it’s the bad knee too. Forrest says it is now if it wasn’t before. From there Brandon goes high risk for an armbar. Forrest wonders if he will get it despite going high risk is a bad move. Rampage stands up and goes to his corner to coach Brandon but Brandon never listened. Brandon taps out Aaron  in the centre of the octagon.

RAMPAGE: Brandon had his a– handed it to him in a brown paper sack then he opened the paper sack and put it on the behind him and kept on going.

I need to Google Translate this. Brb.

– Rampage thinks Brandon could be a good soldier. Forrest congratulates him.


– Headkicks by Mike but Gerald set up a huge takedown and has Mike against the cage. Several strikes and taking Mike down several times. Gerald wins by unanimous decision. Gerald thinks Mike was tough but is happy to have dominated.


– Rosenthal was the referee. I cannot figure out who is who. Funky triangle was slapped on. Elbows on a fighter’s mouth guard. Back taking. The least technical fight either of them have seen. Full mount. More elbows. Punches. Then round two has tosses. Dana thinks that if the fighter who has been dominating knew any technique that he’d be a scary person to fight.

– Eventually there was an upkick from the guy who has been losing. Rampage doesn’t know if an upkick to a grounded opponent is legal. Dana says it isn’t PRIDE FC rules and that those are indeed illegal. They all have a good laugh about it. It was a string of four illegal upkicks. Rosenthal deducts a point. The guy on top tries to go for submission but knew nothing. Full mount. Rampage yells out an order and the kid tries to do it but doesn’t know the technique. The dominator turns out to be Daniel Cramer and wins by unanimous decision.

– Dana says both of them had a great fight. Jeremiah has nasty bumps and bruises. Rampage is proud of Jeremiah for never giving up. Jeremiah is happy to put Mississippi on the map and says it will not be the last time we see him. Daniel wishes Jeremiah could be in the house with him.


– Nick says Jesse is a lot shorter than him so he will keep it standing and will do what he needs to do. Jesse says it is black and white because he came here to fight and does not hold a job but has a kid back home to feed. Jesse will kick anyone’s a– who is in front of him. Once the door closes it is battle time for Jesse.

– Very flashy T-Pain style of music plays slowly prior to the fight. Dana thinks Nick is the Slim Shady of MMA. I must say Nick looks nothing like Mr. Mathers.

FORREST: Nick is the reincarnation of Eminem. And I was blown away by his Eminemness.

If this were 2002 ‘Eminemness’ would be adopted as a new word in Oxford’s Dictionary.

– Mazzagatti is our referee. They touch gloves. Dana roots for Slim Shady. Jesse the Short One shoots in for a takedown. He successfully takes Nick down. Side control for Jesse. Forrest thinks Nick should have known better. Half guard. Forrest wonders if Jesse is a south paw. Shady uses the fence to his advantage and gets out. Jesse goes for another takedown. Shady is against the cage. Another takedown. Dana concedes Shady cannot wrestle. Half guard. Full guard. Jesse attempts to pass. He has Nick against the fence. Full mount for Jesse. He has an arm around Shady’s throat. Dana thinks Shady is going back to 8 Mile. Shady submits.

– Rampage is not impressed by Jesse who is a one-trick pony by doing just a textbook rear naked choke. Jesse shows off his golden mouth guard. Forrest thinks Jesse’s grade A wrestling was impressed because Nick was doing the right things but Jesse finished Shady and sent him back to 8 Mile.

– Only one fight remains.


– Josh claims he is here to win and not to f— around. Considering the cast is all males either you’re really safe or you’re bound to find some unexpected twists and turns. Josh is here for one thing. To play with bunnies. Oh no. Wait. To be a fighter.

MATT: There’s no strategy. Kill or die.

My strategy: Not die.

– Rampage knows Josh Hall as an excellent wrestler and has trained with him for years. You know what that means? Everyone Rampage knows is doomed to fall just like what happened with Matt Serra. Forrest comments he knows nothing about Matt Brown and that he looks small as well as unassuming at 185. Ouch. No love from either coach.

DANA: Those motherf—ers didn’t stop staring at each other. It’s going to be a good fight.

– Herb Dean is our referee.

– They do not touch gloves. They circle. Hall feints a couple times. Hall goes for a takedown but Matt Brown defends. Brown is against the cage. Hall attempts a couple knees. Forrest is coaching Hall. Hall has an underhook on Brown. Dana asks if Forrest knows Hall too. Forrest says ‘no’ and explains Danzig called his house to say Josh is his boy. Dana concludes Brown is not just a boxer. Brown continues defending. Josh attempts a trip but Brown seems to have the upperhand and we’re back on our feet with brown against the cage. The coaches are impressed with Matt. Herb tells them to work. Josh is dirty boxing Matt against the cage but Matt is defending. Matt fires a leg kick and Josh sneaks in a punch. Head kick misses. Brown comes in with a couple punches to the face that lands. Leg kick by Brown.  They circle. Brown jabs. Another leg kick. He grapples Josh against the cage. Josh trips him finally. Brown is covering up. Matt pulls up the full guard. There is zero space between them. Hammer fists by Josh. Oma Plata attempt by Matt. Josh is defending well as he shoulder strikes Matt in his full guard. Josh stands up. Brown grabs a leg but Josh comes into the full guard. Matt has a grip on Josh’s arm. Josh responds by using all of his strength to pick up Brown and slam him to the mat Rampage style. Forrest thinks it is a horrible idea and that Josh’s posture is ruined. Brown has a body triangle around Josh’s head. Again Josh tries the body slam but it only makes it tighter and Josh is wasting a ton of energy. Both are on the ground as Brown maintains the body triangle. Both are striking each other’s heads. They are both looking for an arm or a leg as they stretch. Brown has another body triangle around the head but Josh gets out. They roll around until Brown has him in a funky side position where he is kneeling and deals strikes to Josh’s head on his right. Matt jumps up so he can use his momentum to land an elbow on Josh. Side control.  Matt fires a flurry. Herb tells him to fight back. He doesn’t. Herb pulls Matt Brown away with three seconds left in the round.

– Dana believes Matt Brown is an animal.

– The sixteen fighters are sitting on mats and benches while the losers are sitting on the perimeter of the frame. Cuts and bruises can be seen everywhere.

DANA: Honestly guys this was set up to get rid of the p—ies and the poseurs and I am so proud to say there are none here today. I’m so f—ing impressed.

DANA: Sixteen are going home. That’s a f—ed up feeling. The sixteen that are going home thought they were here and would be staying in the house. But they didn’t make it.

– Dana thinks the sixteen losers fought great but is sending them all home. He congratulates Josh Hall on a great fight before he exits.  Dana goes on to say that for the first time ever all sixteen deserve to be in the house and believes it will be a great season. Never have so many bruises and cuts entered the house. Now that there’s sixteen middleweights it means there will be a preliminary bout, a quarterfinal bout, a semifinal bout, and that is not including the bout they just had. All of this will be done in a matter of about six weeks. I am expecting many alternates.

– The voiceover previews the ‘main’ season of Ultimate Fighter. After a baptism of blood sixteen are still standing. He goes on to name all sixteen fighters. The ‘real’ battles begin. The verbal, the physical, the pranks, and the drunkenness all occur. And plenty of slaps and blood. Tons of shouting too. Who will run the gauntlet and be the next ultimate fighter?

Rank the Fights

1) Dan Simmler vs. Matthew Riddle (Guys? What happened? Which episode are we on? Did these two fight? I can’t remember if they fought. They didn’t fight? Was it an amateur bout? Was it real? F— you, Rampage tell me what happened!)

2) Josh Hall vs. Matt Brown (An incredible pace. Both guys gave it their all. Submission attempts, slams, kicks, punches, grappling. Funky positions on the ground. Another one of Rampage’s friends goes down. The unknown Cincinnati Kid takes it all with a really smart game plan. Best fight of the first two episodes beside the outrageous knockout.)

3) Cale Yarbrough vs. John Clarke (Excellent grappling match-up. Dropping seventeen pounds in one day can really affect your fighting ability.)

4) Tim Credeur vs. Erik Charles (Erik’s claim to being the fastest guy is debunked as Tim’s slick black belt jiu jitsu travels at rocket speed to successfully take Erik down and submit him within about thirty seconds. Great lessons to be taught from Tim’s technique.)

5) Luke Zachrich vs. Patrick Schultz (Great technique by both fighters except with Patrick taking himself down despite having the under hooks.)

6) Prince McLean vs. Mike Dolce (An overall good match I s’pose. Striking and grappling proves both of them were very capable of making it into the house.)

7) Steve Byrnes vs. Amir Sadollah (A slow war of attrition before Amir pulls out the victory/the arm.)

8) Nick Rossborough vs. Jesse Taylor (There was a guy who somewhat resembled Slim Shady and possessed a Boston Rob accent. That’s about it.)

9) Jeremy May vs. Dave Roberts (Nothing noteworthy about this early bout. Rampage loses a dear friend.)

Confessional counts



Episode 3

Previously on TUF: 32 fighters took to the octagon in just two episodes. Some won by decision, some by submission, and some by knockout. We are shown highlights. One was even sent home on a stretcher. Sixteen warriors have earned a place in the house and a shot at becoming the ultimate fighter.

– S—. The intro has returned. It is the same terrible song. I predict at least three of these guys will be replaced by injuries because of injuries. I don’t think having 32 fighters really solved anything. Anybody who quit or got ejected in the past were because it was down to the core of sixteen and only the top tier guys remained. An additional sixteen guys who are nowhere near the top will not interfere with those who will quit or get into fights. This is easily going to be the goofiest season.

– We are introduced to Las Vegas and the house. Mike says the sixteen had to fight their way into the past unlike the freebies of the past. Everyone checks out the house. Mike claims they are not reality TV guys anymore and are real fighters. I think going from a fight to being in a house 24/7 means quite the opposite. Matt Brown says everyone had to fight so we should not discount anyone. Not true. Do you know what the qualifying process was to be in the house in the previous six seasons? You fought and demonstrated your skills prior to filming then too.

– Matt thinks everyone is competitive. Brandon claims it will be a great season. Others comment on it being too much fun.

– Morning arrives. It is time for the team selection at the gym. Dana boasts about being so impressed with the fights yesterday. He thinks it will not only be the most amazing season ever but that all sixteen have a legitimate chance to win. Dana knows Forrest and Rampage are great fighters but not proven as coaches. He admits it could very well come down to having the right coach.

– Dana pulls out his traditional coin. Blue side is Rampage. Brown side is Forrest. Flip it on the mat. It’s Rampage. He can pick the first fighter or pick the first fight. In a shocking development Rampage wants the first fighter. Uh oh. Short-term thinking on the horizon. Forrest may prove to be the better coach.

– Rules have changed from last season’s stupidity. Last season who controlled the fights changed regardless if you won or lost. Not the case this season. It reverts to the method of the previous three seasons where winning the fight means you have control. I am glad Dana identified how ludicrous it was last season that alternating made picking the match-ups meaningless.

– Dana lets Rampage have the opportunity to change his mind. Rampage doesn’t. He wants the first fighter that bad. The first fighter he picks is CB Dolloway. CB shall be his protogee. Forrest counters with Tim. Tim says it is an honour and he is speechless. Rampage goes for Matt who is southpaw red. Matt’s new name is Chipper because he is always smiling.

– Forrest picks Amir. Rampage’s third round pick is Paul Bradley. Forrest’s is Justin Taylor (his name is really Jesse Taylor). He had an Ozzy Lusth schoolyard pick moment there. Rampage chooses Kramer who I have no idea whose nickname that is. Forrest goes with Matt Brown. Gerald Harris for Rampage. Forrest wants Cale. Oh. Kramer is Daniel Cramer. Rampage picks Mike Dolce.

– Forrest wants Dahte. Rampage chooses the guy who beat his best friend (Jeremy May defeating Dave Roberts). Forrest goes with Nick. Rampage’s final pick is Brandon Sene which sends Luke Zachrich to Team Forrest by default.

– Forrest is happy with his picks but seems hesitant to declare it is a good team. Rampage is confident the winner is coming from his team and also is confident Team Brown Nose is going down. Rampage’s confidence level appears to be above Forrest’s. Jesse likes being on Forrest’s team because he is a warrior and will teach great conditioning. Haven’t you seen Rampage’s PRIDE fights? Jesse believes he relates to Forrest more than he does to Rampage.

– Both teams have a huddle. Rampage asks if anyone has any injuries he should know about from the first fight. Jeremy takes a confessional to tell us Paul has nasty stuff on his neck. Mr. Bradley may get Roman’d. Rampage jokes if Paul has herpes on the neck. He finds the cold sore on the neck to be weird. Mike says he will not roll around with Paul on the ground and everyone does not want to contract anything from Paul. So off to the doctor he goes.

– Awkward rock music plays for the opening training sessions. Rampage’s team is high-stepping around the gym. He wants to be a coach for this season because if he retires he wants to train guys to be champions himself. It is the first time he has trained people. He does a drill with them.

RAMPAGE (on back): Push him off like you’re in prison and he’s trying to grab your booty. You don’t want to give him that.

So MMA does have real life applications after all.

– Rampage introduces us to his coaches. One can tell what people have ate by their spit. Another is Jack Light who is a very technical wrestling coach.

– Rampage brings Paul into the locker room. Dana has called in a dermatologist by the name of Jason Michaels. He wants his opinion and trusts him absolutely.

RAMPAGE: Jason Michaels, do you have any relation to Shawn Michaels.
JASON (sarcastically): No, no, no. No relation ever.

Something tells me that Jason has been asked that ever since his high school days in the early 90s and then his friend’s kids ask him that too.

– Dana wants to ensure Paul is not contagious. Jason thinks it is a herpes complex and that it is not shingles. The non-HBK Michaels informs us that stress brings it out and that it is contagious.

DANA: Stress brings it out. Guess what? He’s gonna be pretty f—ing stressed out living in a house of sixteen guys who could potentially kick his a–, and this guy is probably going to be a walking Herpes the entire time he is here.

Observe that Dana says it with a huge grin on his face. What did I say about shocking everyone with 32 fighters to solve problems not being all that beneficial? I win, Dana. I win.

– RAMPAGE: Could he give it to other guys while training?
THE GUY WHO THINKS HE’S SEXY: Good possibility. Truth is they could have it on and off for the rest of their life.

– Rampage sentences him to running by himself on a treadmill. The guy will be ejected from the house in no time. Paul is not in the octagon either and is stuck alone on the mat practicing his punches with the assistant coach.

– Forrest’s training session. Griffin admits he is not the best coach in the world but can run a training camp. He had cameras here when he did jiu jitsu and never noticed it. So if he didn’t notice them before why not be able to teach jiu jitsu without noticing the cameras?

– Cameron Diffley is Forrest’s assistant coach. He has known Forrest for years. Excited. For Muay Thai Mark Breecher/Preecher is holding the pads. Gray Maynard is teaching people to wrestle. Ah. TUF 4 alumni. Gray goes on the record to say Forrest is the hardest working guy he has known in the sport. Forrest tells them there is no quitting and that the juice is worth the squeeze.

The juice is worth the squeeze. Oh dear. What coach do they have?

– And Forrest says there will be no clapping.

– Next training session. Everyone is on the mat for Rampage’s team as Dana calls in Walking Herpes and Rampage. The news is indeed the inevitable. Dana informs him he has to be sent home because the doctor said he is extremely contagious. Herpes defends he is taking pills that will make it go away in two days. However Dana tells him that the Herpes could be resurrected amongst fifteen competitors, six coaches, and camera crew. Dana has never felt bad about sending home from the show before but this is the first time.

DANA: I’ve kicked people off the show for a million different things. My girlfriend I miss her and love her, you name it I’ve kicked a guy off for it. This is a new one.

Three consecutive episodes where Noah Inhofer has been mentioned for being a part of the UFC Hall of Shame. That doesn’t include the multiple unnamed references to him ever since TUF 3. Dang that guy was not thinking when he quit.

– Paul is stuttering and crying. Dana repeats he cannot legally put twenty guys at risk. Paul is crying and doesn’t know what to do. He quit his job. We are given a confessional reminiscent of Boston Rob crying in Heroes vs. Villains saying the game has been too much. Dana says this has been a debate going on all day. I believe that. There is no doubt production crew behind the scenes were shouting at each other to determine if Paul should stay or go. Dana finishes it off by giving Paul a minute alone with Rampage and the camera crew.

– So we hear Paul crying and Rampage informing him everything that happens for a reason. In the gym we are shown everyone laughing with Paul awkwardly to the side grabbing his belongings and going to the House to take his stuff from a house that he only unpacked to stay in for forty days only a day earlier. Rough. Rough. Chipper and Mike feel bad for him. So does Tim. Chipper is happy his team will be safe from catching herpes. So Paul is sent off. The obvious question is what happens now? An alternate? No replacements? Hmmmm.

– Gym meeting for the match-up. No word of replacement. Dana tells Forrest he has the floor. Forrest immediately calls for Jesse to fight Mike and jokes Rampage told him to do that.

– Mike wonders what Forrest is thinking and that Jesse is a sacrificial lamb. Jesse wants to take out the strong and the wind from Mike’s sails. Jesse says he has heard people tell him he looks like John McCarthy. Huh. He’s right. He took time off from MMA prior to the show to finish school. Forrest tells us Jesse is a meathead. Jesse claims to be a good wrestler. Forrest is going to quit coaching him because Jesse is the next Matt Hamill. He is that confident in Jesse’s abilities.

– Mike was a municipal tax assessor in New Jersey and was one of the youngest in state history. That is the blandest record one could have. He became a full-time pro athlete. He works with Team Quest. Mike reads the bible and Rampage believes he is a force to be reckoned with. Mike is working out in track pants and a black shirt. Not the most appropriate work wear during sparring.

– We transition away from the pre-fight hype to Dana and Rampage entering Dana’s office. It is indeed time to pick an alternate in the first House episode for the second consecutive season. Roman’s broken arm that was fine to today where we mourn Mr. Herpes. Dana asks Rampage who he wants to be brought back. Rampage’s first pick to come back has his knee injured. In fact in a bunch of the fights the losers ended up injured.

So why was bumping the roster up to 32 people and forcing a fight on two days notice such a good idea that had Dana beaming from cheek to cheek?

– Rampage points at his next pick on the photograph. Dana tells him that Tim Credeur is indeed on Team Forrest which Rampage set up as a joke. Dana gives him two options. Rampage makes his pick but we are not shown who. The guy is seen walking across the parking lot and from the waist down. It’s Patrick Bostonian Schultz. Excellent.

PATRICK: What’s up plaaaaaaaayas.

He did really try to say ‘players’ but that was his best attempt. Maybe he’ll follow Rob’s footsteps and get it right on the fourth try?

– The team welcomes him. Jeremy says Patrick’s ground game was terrible and that if he was tapped out by the weakest guy in the whole competition (Luke) then he should not be here in the first place. Mike echoes that. Dana is surprised that Rampage’s two assistant coaches really liked Patrick Schultz but Dana feels that was not the strongest choice. Patrick regardless of being hated on in confessionals is happy to be on Rampage’s team. Patrick wishes to rob everyone else of an easy fight.

– We have our first house chat. Chipper asks Mike if he likes hurting people. Mike says yes. Rampage enters because he wants to check out the house and get to know the other fighters. Particularly Mike Dolce. So the team of eight powwows with Rampage in the kitchen. Dolce is cooking and Rampage teases him for doing his own cooking show.

RAMPAGE: I can get along with anybody. Guy, girl, dog fish–ANYBODY. If they ain’t trying to eat me I can be friends with them.

If only Nemo hopped into your boat then we wouldn’t have an awesome Pixar film.

– Rampage goes through what he knows about all of the fighters. Although Rampage admits he knows nothing about Patrick. Everyone reveals his occupations. Chipper reveals he lives with his mom and is a 22 year old without a drivers’ license and job. Geez. Is that my future a year from now? Patrick sold wine and jewellery. Patrick thinks Rampage is a great coach. He wants to win for Rampage.

– Rampage talks about he was so broke that he borrowed his older brother’s underwear and the underwear was leopard print. He says he started training because he had just started wrestling. He wrestled when he was seventeen in the ninth grade. Chipper makes fun of him but Rampage says if he does not have a license then Rampage himself can be seventeen in the ninth grade. Chipper loves Rampage’s calm demeanour and is a nice guy. Rampage departs and CB concludes Rampage is there to support them unlike Forrest Griffin. Mike feels he is exactly where he needs to be now that Rampage has visited.

– The next day Mike has huge confidence from his first fight. Jesse would fight every week if he could. Mike thinks Jesse’s weakness is his mindframe. Although Jesse’s weakness is properly closing a dishwasher tray.

– Promo time.


– The five thousand dollar win bonus by submission or knockout no longer comes from Dana White’s pocket. It comes courtesy of Burger King. They provide standings, match-ups and now fight money? This is serious bizz. Herb Dean our referee.

– Taylor shoots but Mike defends and puts him in a headlock while Jesse’s knees are on the ground. Jesse works his way to get Mike’s back but gives up the underhooks. Mike has the left leg. He tries to fall onto Jesse but Jesse dodges and takes Mike’s back. Jesse pulls Mike back and has the hooks in. An arm is working its way under Mike’s neck. Mike converts it to being only around his mouth. Jesse is punching Mike’s face. Mike is elbowing. Both coaches are shouting. Rampage’s voice is louder. Mike works his way to his feet but Jesse maintains his grip and gets Mike down. He is too high on Mike’s back. His arm is deeper under Mike’s neck. Deja vu to one minute ago. Jesse gives it up which is an opportunity for Mike to turn into Jesse. He punches the side of Jesse’s head. Full guard for Jesse but it is loose. Side control for Mike but Jesse grabs Mike’s body and has Mike on his back. Half guard. His head is under Mike’s armpit for a bit. Offers few punches. Mike rotates to give his back to Jesse. Jesse has no hooks. Oh now he has the hooks. Mike is flat. But Mike bucks to reduce Jesse to side control. Jesse is resting with few elbows. Both of them suck. Jesse has Mike’s back but Forrest tells Jesse to stay on top. Side control for Jesse. Only one punch. A couple more punches. Then a flurry but it stops.  Half guard. Jesse throws the biggest bombs of the round. Mike is doing nothing. Full guard. End of round. I’d say that’s 10-8.

– Start of round. Mike throws a hook but Jesse shoots in and takes Mike to the mat. Full guard. Jesse stands in a full guard pointing to the sky. Jesse rests his knees on the mat after a few seconds. Punches. McHammer fists. Side control. Takes Mike’s back. Full mount but neither is striking. Jesse bothers to strike. Mike turns to give his back. Jesse has the best position on Mike’s back that he has had yet. He reclines Mike back and has an arm under Mike’s neck. It is fairly deep. Mike lazily taps. Herb stops the fight. I don’t know if that was a tap.

– Fight recap time. Mike threw a big right hand then Jesse took him down. Forrest said Jesse pacing himself was out of the question and he had the highest energy for the first few minutes of a fight ever. Jesse tried to demonstrate jiu jitsu but Mike was reversing it and throwing punches so Jesse regurgitated his wrestling and took control of the rest of the round. Second round same crap happens except this time there was a rear naked choke to put Mike out of his misery.

– Jesse pukes after his hand is raised. He gives a confessional hoping producers won’t show it. But if I did screen caps I could show you several puke shots. Thank goodness I don’t do screen caps for TUF, right? He’ll finish any fight if it leads to him puking.

– Locker room scene. Dana says that the Burger King money is for winning no matter what. Stopping the fight by submission or knockout is an ADDITIONAL five thousand dollars from Dana himself. Fighter’s pay cheque is bumped up to 10k per victory this season. Not bad. Justin Eilers fought for the heavyweight title earning only 3k on PPV.

– Locker room scene in Rampage’s room. He is disappointed because it was so important to win the first fight. IF IT WAS SO IMPORTANT TO WIN THE FIRST FIGHT THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED THE FIRST FIGHT INSTEAD OF THE FIRST FIGHTER WHEN YOU HAD THE OPTION! Dolce is disappointed too as he pathetically lays on the floor of the locker room. He says he trained too hard and did most of his training without tape. The coach didn’t have enough time to improve his abilities one hundred percent. We  are shown his stomach inhaling and exhaling. He is ready to be an alternate if somebody else goes down. Very possible considering how poorly the brilliant idea of having 32 people fight on two days’ notice has turned out.

– Next time on TUF: Rampage looks to rebound after a first round defeat. Chipper lights the spark that ignites Dahte’s inferno. Who will survive the trial by fire (clever and be the next ultimate fighter? I iunno.

Rank the Fights

1) Dan Simmler vs. Matthew Riddle (Guys? What happened? Which episode are we on? Did these two fight? I can’t remember if they fought. They didn’t fight? Was it an amateur bout? Was it real? F— you, Rampage tell me what happened!)

2) Josh Hall vs. Matt Brown (An incredible pace. Both guys gave it their all. Submission attempts, slams, kicks, punches, grappling. Funky positions on the ground. Another one of Rampage’s friends goes down. The unknown Cincinnati Kid takes it all with a really smart game plan. Best fight of the first two episodes beside the outrageous knockout.)

3) Cale Yarbrough vs. John Clarke (Excellent grappling match-up. Dropping seventeen pounds in one day can really affect your fighting ability.)

4) Tim Credeur vs. Erik Charles (Erik’s claim to being the fastest guy is debunked as Tim’s slick black belt jiu jitsu travels at rocket speed to successfully take Erik down and submit him within about thirty seconds. Great lessons to be taught from Tim’s technique.)

5) Luke Zachrich vs. Patrick Schultz (Great technique by both fighters except with Patrick taking himself down despite having the under hooks.)

6) Prince McLean vs. Mike Dolce (An overall good match I s’pose. Striking and grappling proves both of them were very capable of making it into the house.)

7) Steve Byrnes vs. Amir Sadollah (A slow war of attrition before Amir pulls out the victory/the arm.)

8) Nick Rossborough vs. Jesse Taylor (There was a guy who somewhat resembled Slim Shady and possessed a Boston Rob accent. That’s about it.)

9) Jeremy May vs. Dave Roberts (Nothing noteworthy about this early bout. Rampage loses a dear friend.)

10) Mike Dolce vs. Jesse Taylor (Jesse could have finished the fight so much earlier. Or be more aggressive with his excellent position. Same goes for Dolce in the few instances when he had the dominating spot.)






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