Previously on TAR: Romber and ten other teams set out from Long Beach, California and flew over four thousand miles to Lima, Peru. Romber got help from a local who recognized them from Survivor to leapfrog to the front of the pack. Some teams (but really only Patrick and Bianca) were upset. Teams rode a zipline in Cusco including Rob and Amber. Patrick, who does not like Rob and Amber, struggled herding llamas. While the llamas took kindly to Meredith & Gretchen who have yet to air a confessional or a quote regarding Rob and Amber. In the end lifelong lesbians Debbie & Bianca won the leg. While a foot race determined the elimination and sent the good ol hillbillies home over Ron & Kelly. Who will be eliminated tonight?
– Intro time.
Happy to have made the intro.
– This is Cusco, Peru. Once the capital of the Incas. It’s old. And there’s a church in the centre of the city. Cute. Phil wastes no time to ask “Will Rob & Amber use their Survivor notoriety to get ahead or can Ron & Kelly climb out of last place after narrowly escaping elimination?”
As if these two questions are mutually exclusive.
– Debbie & Bianca, who lesbiangly arrived at the mat at 10:54am will depart at 1054pm. Travel by bus to the city of Arequipa four hundred miles away. It is known as the white city because. . .most of the cities are made out of white volcanic stone. Once in the city of white teams will find a shoe shine union. There is a shoe shine UNION? Must be the highest paid shoe shiners in the world.
– Bianca says it’s important to be the first all-female team to win. Unfortunately only idiots are that superficial to eat it up so let’s move on. They are not the strongest physically but are the strongest mentally. Deceiving Ron however may discredit your claim of ability. Susan & Patrick depart at 1105pm. Patrick thinks teams never give them enough credit for how smart they are. It’s only been one round, Patrick. Patience. You haven’t even had the opportunity to fill up a diesel tank with unleaded yet. Romber exit and announce $184 was given out. Amber says Rob is the leader of the team and she lets him make most of the decisions except for times where she tries to talk sense into him. This is new information on TAR but sadly it has beaten us to death after fifteen episodes of Survivor All Stars.
– Office opens at 530am and first bus leaves at 620am. Romber, instead of sitting for six hours, ask around if there is another bus that leaves later and gets in earlier. There is. A later bus has only one stop while the other bus has several. Someone just leapfroged to the first bus.
– Brian & Greg have flagged two taxis for them and Lynn & Alex. Greg’s strategy is to build relationships with all of the teams. Now THAT’S how you play TAR strategically. Especially when everyone and their mother goes out of their way to target the alpha males after seven seasons. Alex wants to prove that a gay couple can be butch. Meredith & Gretchen depart. Gretchen says she is emotional while Meredith is rational. Meredith tipped the cabbie. Not smart.
– Rob speaks of how he’s sitting in the original line to fool everyone into thinking there is no other bus available. Ray & Deana depart. His competitiveness has blinded him to the fact he has another team mate. He knows he needs two people to cross the finish line. The camera and sound operator are depressed that Ray failed to include them. Uchenna & Joyce depart at 1257am. Joyce says they fight every day but so far on the race they’ve relinquished control.
– Rob tells Ray about the earlier bus and apparently Rob paid the guy who told him about the bus to not tell anyone else. Rob says the only other person who needs to be told about the bus is Uchenna. We are then told by Rob that these three teams are going to team up for a while. Rob expresses he is a man of his word.
This is the part where you kiss the Robfather’s ring, Ray. You may as well given you’re already kneeling at his side.
– Ray tells Uchenna he is on a secret list and to play dumb. Speaking of dumb, Megan & Heidi leave at 1255am. Megan believes her and Heidi can be leaders. And look what happened to Ryan & Chuck following you on the beach last leg. Ron & Kelly are last to depart at 1258am. 124 minutes behind first. Ron says he is a down and gritty type of person because–wait for it–he was in the military.
I’ve had it.
For the rest of the season I’m doing a tally of anytime Ron is shown referencing the military or being a POW. I almost did it during the premiere but the premiere took me nearly four hours to do altogether. So Ron, here’s your scorecard:
Military Ron: 1
He mentions that Kelly is the beauty queen.
– Things are heating up at the bus station. Alex asked a security guard if there is an earlier bus. The guard tells him he has been paid not to tell anyone. Alex asks who paid him.
GUARD: The guy in the cap.
This sets Alex off to tell every team that they’re being BSed and that they need to get on a different bus. What would be funnier is if Rob paid the guard to not tell anyone just to make the other teams paranoid to switch buses when really the first bus is the best one anyway. That would have been genius. Maybe Rob will learn to pull this off in his fourth TAR attempt.
– Bianca and Alex confront Rob. Rob denies all of it.
DEBBIE: It makes me nauseous to have to deal with you.
ROB: It makes me nauseous to have you call me a liar when that is not even what transpired.
LYNN: It’s a good thing people can’t be voted off.
Lynn had that zinger prepared for ten minutes. Bank on it.
– Rob winks at the camera. All ten teams are on the same bus according to Brian. It’s a ten hour bus ride through the Andes. Brian claims him and Megan got closer on the bus ride. What is this? The Bachelor? I thought it was Greg at first because I assumed that Brian would be sitting in the left seat since the team name is “Brian & Greg” and TAR likes to sit them in order to not confuse the audience. So Brian in the right seat really threw me for a loop.
– Rob goes up to the bus driver. He says to open the front door ONLY. The back door, which presumably holds teams not named Rob & Amber, will suffer a few minutes delay while Romber at the front of the bus will benefit. He tells us inside the bus with all teams possibly overhearing is that Ray & Deana, Ron & Kelly, and Uchenna & Joyce all chipped in five soles to bribe the driver to only open the front door?
Rob never chipped in his five. He put it back in his pocket. That’s his cut for talking to the driver, I s’pose.
– The plan works. Those four teams all get into cabs a few minutes ahead of the other six teams who yell for the back door to be open. It took a while but the driver complies. Ray & Deana are first to the shoe shine union.
Roadblock: Who loves shoes?
It would be better if it was “Roadblock: Who throws a shoe?” just so we can see an Odd Job inspired task.
– Phil explains to us that in this task each person must have a shoe shine representative accompany them with the equipment. They then must shine shoes for one Peruvian Sole (pun) per shine. They must shine five shoes. Once done they must go to the shoe shine union headquarters where they will exchange the money for their next clue.
– Production is outsmarted when Ray agrees to do a roadblock upon hearing it is one who loves shoes. Rob shoves Kelly up the stairs out of impatience.
He’s climbing into your windows, snatching beauty queens up so hide your kids hide your wife cause he be camera whoring everybody out here
– AMBER: Who loves shoes?
ROB: You do!
KELLY: Who loves shoes?
RON: I’ve done military shoes all my life!
Military Ron: 2
– A bunch of the teams do not exactly know which one of them loves shoes. Ron shines a shoe. Followed by Amber. Then Ray. Then Joyce. Then Megan. Then Susan. Then Debbie serenades and kisses the young male who got his shoe shined. His buddies all push him around. Then Lynn. Then Brian. Suddenly Ron has shined five shoes as well as Ray. So is Amber. Ron & Kelly have gone from tenth to first in a matter of twelve hours.
But then a division occurs.
KELLY: Congratulations you have been awarded tickets on the first of two flights to Santiago, Chile.
If this were TAR 6, all ten teams would be on the exact same flight.
– The flights leave forty-five minutes apart. Once in Santiago they must ride a funicular to the Virgin Mary Statue. Susan and Gretchen are both done the roadblock. Joyce is having a tough time finding anyone to shine their shoes. It goes to commercial in the least suspenseful cliffhanger ever given we know worst case scenario is being on a flight with four other teams.
– 1st flight: Ron & Kelly, Susan & Patrick, Romber, Ray & Deana, Meredith & Gretchen
2nd flight: Everyone else.
I am indeed shocked that Gretchen was the first or second of the backdoor crew to finish while Joyce lost the entire front door lead.
Am I the only one who really wants an explanation for the bandaid over the eyebrow? If this were a MMA fight, Patrick would not be allowed to continue.
BRIAN: You gotta entertain these people! They just don’t want a shoe shine. They want to be treated well.
Says the guy who was ninth out of ten people to finish the task. I did enjoy his cowboy sound effects as he slapped the duster.
– Lynn is done after uttering a series of ‘glaciases’.
LYNN: We’re good at pulling up the rear.
I feel guilty for giggling at that statement.
– Both flights head to Santiago in the middle of the night. It’s broad daylight when teams get to Santiago. We are treated to all five teams getting inside the cabs and head to the almighty funicular. Romber is first. Ron & Kelly join them on the funicular. Ray & Deana are on the next one alone. Meredith & Gretchen are stuck in the traffic as well as Susan & Patrick. First funicular gets to the top and the statue is obvious. I should hope so otherwise the statue has lost its purpose.
– Detour. Shop or Schlep. In shop, teams travel two miles to a restaurant and are given a known Chilean recipe from the chef. From there they enter a crowded market to buy five ingredients and bring them back to the chef where they will receive their next clue. In schlep, teams travel to a bookstore which holds Chile’s many nobel prize winning authors. They must transport one hundred eighty books to the Library of Congress eight blocks away. They are allowed to take multiple trips. Once the books are shelved they will receive their next clue.
– Romber and Ron & Kelly schlep because they do not want to waste money shopping. Naturally all ten teams should do this task. The second flight lands. Ray & Deana are logical and schlep it like it’s hot. Susan & Patrick do not have enough Pesos to get on the funicular. American dollars are not accepted. So they wander out in the streets and beg for pesos. Meredith & Gretchen are surprised to be in fourth place and alone on the funicular. They feel sorry for Susan & Patrick.
– Susan & Patrick receive the pesos from a source unknown as we are only privy to them being on the next funicular ten minutes later.
– ROB: I work in construction. I know that for a load to be really high and stable it all depends on how you stack it.
– Ron & Kelly have 109 books. The books are not stable but Kelly insists that 109 books on this trip is much better than splitting it 90/90. Ron tries to present logic but is shot down.
Get it. Shot down? Like a POW?
– Debbie & Bianca excitedly have a reunion with Patrick. Gretchen is excited to see the virgin. It’s a statue of Chuck. They decide to shop because 180 books sounds like a lot of weight to Meredith. Rob brags about having 180 books stacked all in one trip.
RON: Do you know if we’re on the right street?
KELLY: I don’t know. I don’t speak Spanish!
You’re on TAR. I s’pose it will be Kelly’s excuse for not knowing where to go in every country until they return to the United States.
The bookstore is not liable for anybody who stacks 109 books for the first time and let it falls to the pavement.
– Kelly tells Ron to calm down after freaking out about not speaking Spanish. Romber passes them. Ray & Deana stack 180 at once. Uchenna & Joyce and Lynn & Alex get to the funicular. Brian thinks it is ridiculous his cab speaks no English. Megan & Heidi’s cab appears to not understand where to go. Susan & Patrick and Debbie & Bianca’s funicular gets to the top. Meredith & Gretchen get into the same funicular that will not go down for four minutes. Advantage lost. Debbie & Bianca carry books while Susan & Patrick miss the funicular because they argued about shopping.
– Lynn & Alex were surprised to see Meredith & Gretchen ahead of them. Uchenna & Joyce, Susan & Patrick, and Lynn & Alex take the same cab down. They’re all shopping. Ray stops to look for directions while Deana holds up the book. Meredith receives the recipe. “Three kilograms?!”
It appears books do not weigh too much more than three kilograms. You lose, Meredith. You lose.
– Rob yells when he enters the library. Amber tells him that it is a library. She shushes him in the same manner Nicole shushed Brandon in the Hermitage.
KELLY: She (the librarian) will count them because I can’t count.
You can’t read directions, you can’t speak Spanish, and you can’t count up to 109. You would have learned all of this if you joined the MILITARY, Kelly.
– Librarian counts 180 books for Romber. Only the 27th minute but yet it’s a clue for the pit stop. Travel one mile by taxi to the centre of Santiago and find Cero Santa Lucia. Once there find a statue of Neptune and find the pit stop. What is with Chile and their statues? Ron & Kelly have 112 books. Kelly cusses out Ron for not doing it all in one trip. I thought Ron was supposed to relax? In other news Ray rolls over Deana’s ankle with the schlepper.
DEANA: Ow. You just ran over my ankle.
RAY: I can’t see you walking behind me. C’mon, pick those up.
KELLY: We need seventy-eight books.
RON: No, we need sixty-eight.
*Cues Final Jeopardy! music*
– Romber find Neptune. They reach the top of the stairs. Romber are indeed team number one. They raise their arms and shout. They have won a Travelocity trip to Atlantis in the Bahamas.
– Meredith & Gretchen barter with the local to cut down the price of fish. They realize why carrying books is much smarter on your tiny TAR wallet. Worst part about it is that they have five more ingredients to buy. Brian & Greg get on the funicular and wonder where Megan & Heidi are. They are concerned and wish they could get to know them without the stress of the race. Brian & Greg schlep. They see Megan & Heidi on the way down. One funicular separates them.
– Debbie & Bianca commence their schlepping journey. They agree on two trips. Ron & Kelly are on their second trip. Uchenna & Joyce, Lynn & Alex, and Susan & Patrick enter the markets. Although Susan & Patrick had difficulties finding the chef. Megan & Heidi decide to shop despite Heidi not happy with the idea of one of them carrying a huge fish. Ray & Deana finish schlepping.
– Ron & Kelly get to the pit stop. From tenth to second. They’re understanding the race. Debbie & Bianca have ninety books. Ray & Deana arrive in third.
And Deana misses the high five and pokes Ray’s bottom lip instead. Dragging books is strenuous.
– Susan & Patrick ran out of money. The second time this leg. They beg for money so they can buy food. Patrick even tries to trade money for a flower. This ends up creeping out the locals rather than it be endearing. Next time do a detour when you have the funds as opposed to preparing to waste several minutes begging.
– Meredith & Gretchen call out the name of an owner who sells colinabo. Everyone in the market follows suit and calls his name. Dogs are barking. Gretchen is such a five year old for most of the race. She reminds me of one of my mom’s daycare kids that she watched a few years ago. Just with the way she has an extremely exaggerated ‘OOOOOOOOOO’ reaction to everything and puts her hands to both sides of her cheeks.
– Lynn & Alex manage to get much of their food for free. They give plenty of over the top kisses and hugs in exchange. We are treated to fifteen seconds of them kissing and hugging random merchants. MUAH MUAH GLACIAS MUAH MUAH GLACIAS MUAH.
– Brian & Greg get to schlepping. They come up with the “brilliant” strategy of stacking the books now and counting later. They come up with a pile of 150 books. Hooray for maximum efficiency! Debbie & Bianca commence their second trip of books. Megan & Heidi are at the marker.
GRETCHEN (subtitles): I hope that fish weighs enough.
Hmmmm. Why are they telling us this? Ah, it appears the fish is underwent. The question is whose scale is wrong. Is the chef’s scale rigged because TAR production wanted maximum drama? Or are the other merchant’s scales not properly calibrated? To preserve TAR’s integrity, I pray it’s the latter.
– Uchenna & Joyce’s strategy to buy a fish well over three kilograms pays off as they pass both Lynn & Alex and Meredith & Gretchen whose fish all came in underweight. Meredith & Gretchen buy a new fish and return it no problem. No complaints. Lynn & Alex on the other hand. . .
LYNN: This is not three kilograms. You’ve got a rigged scale. We want our money back! De niro!
No idea why they show her because she says nothing in the argument. I would be too scared to film her, personally.
– Sure enough the merchants do not appreciate Lynn’s attack and all scream and waive him away from their store.
A double flip off would have been the preferred route.
– Lynn & Alex joke about it as Susan & Patrick obtain vegetables from Chica Low Low. I am certain that’s not how you spell his name but that’s what it sounds like. He’s really short. Even shorter than Susan. Lynn & Alex offer air kisses after receiving the clue. Uchenna & Joyce check into the pit stop and are ecstatic to be in fourth. They’re happy to improve from eighth.
– Meredith & Gretchen doubt they are at the real pit stop. Debbie & Bianca finish the detour. Brian & Greg are really loud clanking the schlepper as they go back to the bookstore for more books. Susan & Patrick finish detour. Meredith & Gretchen are still lost.
MEREDITH: You guide us because Meredith is trying his best.
So lost that Meredith has sunk to referring to himself in the third person.
– Lynn & Alex’s taxi arrives at the statue. They manage to shortchange their cab driver thanks to the expensive nature of shopping for food. Debbie & Bianca’s taxi pulls up while they agree to not pay the full fare. Lynn & Alex take off in a different direction from Debbie & Bianca. Meredith & Gretchen finally spot it. Lynn & Alex are team number five.
ALEX: I love the number five.
File this info away for later.
– Debbie & Bianca check in sixth place. Meredith & Gretchen are seventh.
MEREDITH: Seventh is better than a sharp stick in the eye.
Or being forced to watch TAR 6.
– Megan & Heidi are done purchasing items. Brian & Greg frantically pile up eighty-six more books. Megan & Heidi were impressed by how fast Chica Low Low was. I am not because he has had the same order of items four times by similar Americans in the past forty minutes. Susan & Patrick are eighth. Megan & Heidi are done the detour. Then Brian & Greg.
GREG: PIT STOP CITY!!!
BRIAN: SSHHHHH! SSSHHHHH! Use your library voice.
– The two remaining teams see each other on the road. Traffic is slow. Both teams are yelling at their taxis to go and both go so far as to lightly tap their cabbie. Megan & Heidi decide to run. So do Brian & Greg.
I ate bull testicles on Fear Factor. Think I’m scared to give you a smack?
Rinse and repeat for ten seconds.
So who got their first?
The team that looked like they got pepper sprayed for getting a little too close to Megan & Heidi.
– Greg sulks on the sidelines as Megan & Heidi check in last place. Heidi says the words “I can’t” never came out of their mouths.
Sad slowly winding music plays. BUT THEY WERE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER! WAAAAAH. WAAAAAH. I CAN’T HANDLE THIS. TAR IS JUST SOOOOO EMOTIONAL. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Okay. I’m good.
Next time on TAR: Romber steal Debbie & Bianca’s taxi. And Brian & Greg have a blowout (it’s a pun on tires). How heartless of them not to mention Megan & Heidi.
Susan & Patrick 0.1
Ray & Deana 1.0
Uchenna & Joyce 0.4
Debbie & Bianca 0.1
Brian & Greg 5.1
Lynn & Alex 2.2
Meredith & Gretchen 0.1
Ron & Kelly 1.1
Megan & Heidi 3.1
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
Rank the Teams
2) Megan & Heidi
They’re blonde. They like alpha males. Heidi drove 70 in a 50 zone. Drove on the wrong side of the road. However both of them knew how to drive a stick shift which instantly trumps previous best friends to be cast in Meredith & Maria. Their fondness of shopping cost them the race. You need to check your first world tendencies at the door when you go onto the race. I do applaud them for a couple of ‘Wtf’ quotes in two short episodes. Their failed showmance with Brian & Greg was lawlzy.
I’m still crying from them losing in a foot race to their newfound loves. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
1) Ryan & Chuck
Hillbillies who can speak Portuguese and are taken straight out of the Barenstein Bears books. Luckily none of them had a drinking problem like Papa Bear or anorexia like Sister Bear. I understood what they said a bit more than Tom Buchanan which is a plus. They are the heaviest racers in the show’s history if I do declare.
Rank the Legs
1) The LBC where it’s hard being Snoop D O double G -> Cusco (Only because it was the most refreshing episode to see in over a season. The TAR 6 nightmare was officially over.)
2) Cusco -> Santiago (Too few of tasks in Santiago. I wish there was perhaps one more task to even things out. Lynn arguing over a rigged scale, Gretchen ‘OOOOing’ at every little event, and a foot race where the team I was rooting for hit the mat first makes this a quality episode. Plus the irony of Debbie & Bianca being nauseous that another team lied.)
P.S. Heidi’s real name is Heidi Heidel. Her parents are interesting or did not think things through. Like what 180 minus 112 is.