TUF 6 Episodes 1 + 2 + 3 Ranking

The Ultimate Fighter 6

Episode one

– Here we go again. First ever UFC champion produced from returns as a coach. Matt Serra. Hughes is here too. They will fight following the TUF 6 finale. We are shown previews for this season. They will fight in December. Holy crap the House is going to take a beating this season.
SERRA: Hughes is so egotistical. That poster up there makes him look like he’s taking a s—!

– Intro time.


– Serra brags he’s back when he comes into the gym. Dana had called him shortly after the GSP fight to come into the show as a coach. He asks Dana what’s up and they share what appears to be a very staged conversation. No way Mr. White would stick around just for kicks. Hughes creeps in from behind. Both coaches know they don’t like each other even though Hughes has not been the one bad mouthing him. Serra is the one who consistently calls Hughes a d—.

– Dana leaves. Serra asks if this is the period where they leave them alone in the room to talk random trash talk. Heh. Meta editing. Hughes disagrees with Serra’s attitude. Serra thinks Hughes is the stuck-up jerk and giving nerds wedgies in high school. Hughes thinks that if you bring in Serra, GSP, BJ Penn, that Serra would be the easiest to beat on this list. Serra says he has friends and can use some enemies and Hughes will be one of his enemies.

– The van. The sixteen pile out of the van. No confessionals as they head into the gym. Dana squeezes in three F-bombs in the opening statement.

DANA: I can tell you right now a lot of you guys won’t f—ing make it. But this is your f–ing shot. You ready f—ers? Here’s how it’s gonna work: I hope you brought your s— because we’re gonna start training right now.

He said they better be ready to train this minute because they will be training with the coaches for the next two hours. They clap hearing the announcement. The coaches will evaluate them immediately. What a twist. They don’t have time to eff up the house beforehand. We see push-ups where people clap each other’s hands on the way up. The coaches stand above them writing stuff into a clipboard. Dan is praised for having good technique.

– Dan told his wife he was preparing to go balls out. In the gym. Not the bedroom. Mac does not see anyone well-rounded enough to beat him. He is not impressed (with their performance). Serra thinks George is going to be a good fighter all around in jiu jitsu and striking. Joe trained under Matt Serra at his gym. Joe is loyal to Matt Serra. Hughes and Joe are alone in a part of the gym. Joe makes it clear he wants to be on Serra’s team. Hughes concedes and says he doesn’t want him on his team anyway. Hughes told Joe that he should go to Serra and say he better be picked early. Hughes’ plan is to mess with Serra and force him to pick Joe first round. The real gameplan is that Hughes believes Joe sucks and is making a play at Serra wasting a valuable first round pick. ‘Tis good strategy.

– Whoa. Time to pick teams already. Dana has a coin that is not coloured. It just says Hughes on one side and Serra on the other. Serra wins. He gets to choose if he wants to pick who is on his team first or if he wants to select the fight first.

WHITE: It does not matter if you win the fights this season. It rotates. Whichever team wins the most fights in the preliminary stage will get to pick the quarterfinal fights.

So if it rotates then you would want first pick, am I right? Serra isn’t an idiot so he decides to have first pick. Good choice. I assume this new rule was a measure to prevent people like Ortiz or Team Mojo or Pulver to rack up such a streak of controlling fights that the opposing team winds up with only a fighter or two in the semis.


Dan had a premonition that he would be picked by Hughes. He thinks he sees God in him.


Mac was offended that Dan was picked ahead of him. He coins it as a guaranteed loss. What a team player.

The rest of the picks go by instantly.

– Hughes is happy he gets to pick the match-ups first. He set up the trap for Serra to waste a first round pick on Joe.

– Dana says the season has been good so far. Really? Ten minutes into the episode and you declare it a good season? Uh, okay. This is really a setup for Dana to tell us that Roman hurt his elbow during the evaluation. So naturally he must go see a doctor. Less than two hours into the competition and you may have injured yourself permanently? Who are you? Kourtney Moon?

ROMAN: It’s feeling a little better. I don’t know. Let’s see what Dr. Saunders says.

– He visits Dr. Saunders. Doctor informs him he has broken elbow all the way across. He cannot fight with the elbow. What happened to him thinking it felt better? Maybe the word he is searching for is ‘numb’?

DOCTOR: You broke it.
ROMAN: I’m going into depression now.
DOCTOR: You cannot fight.
ROMAN: No, I’m fighting. That’s for sure. I don’t know what’s wrong with you I’m here to fight.

What’s wrong with the doctor??? Says the man who wishes to essentially fight with one arm.

ROMAN: You make me laugh now. You’re a comedian, doctor. I’m not trying to be an a–hole I swear seriously but I’m like really nice guy but don’t push my buttons.

Are you threatening a guy who took the time to diagnose your elbow free of charge? The phrase “don’t push my buttons” does not come across exceptionally well. A doctor will instantly suspend you for a longer period than he intended.

ROMAN: What are you gonna do? Put it in a paper that I can’t fight? Well I’m gonna tear that up and I’m gonna fight. And that’s what I’m here. I’m not a p—y.
DOCTOR: This isn’t about your inner strength. I understand he’s a high end athlete and it’s frustrating. You dislocated–

He believes in the doctor’s diplomas and kicks over a garbage can in the office. What makes this dialogue better is that Roman has a wicked accent.


He sits on a bench by bushes. He smells a flower and picks at it.

– Serra comes in. He wonders where Roman is. Apparently he is at the doctor’s. He tells everyone in the gym to do push-ups. Not the type you do before you go to a club. Everything is normal until Roman walks in.

ROMAN: He says my elbow it’s broken but it’s cool.
SERRA: It’s broken. Not cool. Run on the treadmill. Whatever you do don’t fall.

– Dana calls Serra from Florida. Dana White references the p—ies from other seasons who cannot handle the cameras in their face or girlfriends who are complaining their girlfriend is mad at them (haha Noah Inhofer) while Roman is willing to fight with a broken elbow.

– Meeting is called. Roman still wants to fight with one arm. But Serra says can’t happen. Roman tries to apologize but Serra says there is nothing to apologize for. Serra calls for everyone to hug Roman and send him on his way.

ROMAN: Kill that motherf—er please.

So Roman wants Serra to crush Hughes. Dana told Serra that a replacement is coming in. He was called last night and is coming in today. The guy walks in. It’s Jon Kappenhaver. He claimed he was on a beach with women when he was called to come in. Imagine Nate Diaz’s voice but ten times more stoned and you have Jon.

– SERRA: Hughes has first pick. He could choose Joe to fight first but that would be a d— move. But it’s Hughes so who knows.

– Hughes gym. Matt tells everyone to weigh in. His strategy is not to put their strongest out against Serra’s weak. But rather take out their strong. Oddly enough that was Dana’s criticism in the second season that the coaches picked the strongest fighters to fight at the start and led to many injuries. The irony is that Hughes was a coach that season. Hughes is ready to fire an arrow and attack the heart of the team.

– Fight match-ups. Hughes has picked Mac to fight Joe. Hughes makes fun of Joe’s eyes. Serra rounds up his crew and says they will overcome it.

– We are introduced to Mac at the house. Our first scene at the house. He is pissed some of the people are eating his s—. Mac is a vegan so he only has veggies and humus. He cannot eat random chicken in the fridge but yet everyone else can do it and eat his own food. We are then thrust into the van. His number one rule is that he needs two things: Food and sleep. Do not f— with either of them.

QUOTE IN THE VAN: Men were meant for battle because I mean you know don’t teach a little girl how to not play war.

You can make sense of that one.

– Gym workout. This episode is on crack with how fast-paced it is. Hughes is coaching Mac privately in the octagon. Mac boasts about having more experience than anyone in the house.

– Joe is having a tough time in the house. He does not have his dog, son, and wife. Joey knows that Mac has much tougher fights against much more well-known opponents. Serra says he was his first black belt in his gym but still lacks certain confidence. Matt goes on to say that he has the sickest submissions in the house. Serra lectures that Hughes will be a d— from the corner, act like it’s his last fight ever, have the balls to use the technique, and that he is more than a pretty face.

– Ominous music at night in the house. Mac and Joey hug in the house alone and talk. They want to get it done and over with so they can have fun. Fight day already. No weigh-ins. This fight must go the full fifteen minutes.

– They are in their respective locker rooms. Trash talk. Boast about their technique. Mac believes he has the advantage striking but could slip on a banana peel and get knocked out. Joe’s strength is on the ground

MAC DANZIG / LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA / 27 years old / 17-4-1
JOE SCAROLA / EAST MEADOW, NEW YORK / 28 years old / 6-0

– Danzig wins by decision?

– Dana White informs us of the rules. Herb Dean our referee. The clock is sponsoured by the video game Juiced 2.

– They dance around for twenty seconds until Joe rushes Mac into the cage. They are standing up. Mac lands a knee on Joey and gets Joey onto the ground and into side control. Mac is not striking from the top. Joey is working for an arm. I have a feeling their conditioning will be terrible for being the first fight. Mac has Joey’s back. He flips Joey over but the action is paused as Joey has an arm. Mac works out of it and has side control. They spin some more until Mac is in Joey’s guard. Tight guard right below Mac’s arms. Mac throws a few strikes. Joey hits from the bottom. Mac spins out of it and gets into side control. Joey gets up into a ball as Mac has his back. Black belt says what? They both stand up as Joey controls it and gets into Mac’s guard. Jiu jitsu guy on top against a striker? This could be over quickly. Mac is holding the full guard. Not as tight as Joey’s was. It’s open. Mac works for an arm. Herb tells Mac to watch the back of the head. Joey spins to one side for half guard then launches himself up to get side control. Mac slaps on full guard within seconds though. Half guard. Nobody has landed a significant punch all round since the knee by Mac. Mac slaps on a triangle right before the end of the round. Twenty seconds left. Joey tries to hold off. He taps with SEVEN SECONDS LEFT. Ouch. What are the requirements to get a black belt in jiu jitsu under Serra?

– They recap the fight. Hughes talks about how Joey couldn’t pass Mac’s guard. Serra told Joey that in the last thirty seconds he should have made an impression on the judges but instead Joey did nothing and went into a triangle and lost. Serra firmly believes Joey was looking for a way out of the fight and did it by tapping out with seven seconds left. Serra was shouting to not even dare to tap. Serra is furious but is compassionate in the locker room when Joey said the nerves got to him. He talks about how Joey could have defended that triangle because it was telegraphed. Serra agrees he found a way out.

– Joey does not think he let Serra down and is not finished yet. Ooooooh.

Next time on TUF: Matt Hughes turns his team into a war machine. After his defeat Joey hits rock bottom and wants to leave. Hughes gloats over Serra’s next fight selection. Serra tries to talk Joey off the ledge.

An unusual premiere. A black belt jiu jitsu specialist has one of the worst guards I have seen. Roman breaks his elbow in the first two hours and tries to play it like it’s the doctor’s fault. Personally I’m happy to see him gone. Serra’s #1 pick was strictly emotional when really Joey should have been picked last.





Second episode

Second episode

Previously on TUF: Roman shouts at the top of his lungs when he discovers his elbow is broken. His injury will occupy the whole filming period that he is sent home immediately. Jon Kappenhaver replaces him. Hughes went after Serra’s top pick and eliminated him thanks to Mac’s performance. Who will join Mac in the quarter-finals? The answer is seven others.

– Intro time. The theme is still terrible. They have this supersonic wave whenever the singer says ‘BOOM!’. It’s the only real change to the intro this season.

– Fight recap time. We are reminded Mac won. They were impressed by Mac’s flying knee in the clinch. Joey’s reversal that did not really materialize as he was way too nervous. Then the match was done. Serra’s screaming from the corner reminds me a bit of Gilbert Gottfried.

– Mac is in the locker room. Somebody imitates Borat and offers a ‘hiiigh fiiive’. Ah. That makes sense. This is 2007. Mac is ready for the next fight. He’ll be waiting awhile. Dana informs us of the rule change that Hughes does not retain control of picking the fights regardless of his team winning.

– Troy and Richie thought it would be fun to make a tally on the wall of fighters who got eliminated. There are two charts set up. I do not envy the person who has to wipe off the felt marker on the bare wall. They discuss if the winner should be circled or crossed out. Joey is in his room laying on his bed staring vacantly. He is unhappy and does not want Serra to see him like this.

– Mac is training at full force regardless of just winning. It is a military mindset for Hughes’ team. I would not be surprised if they sweep. Nobody broke in the practice. The one fighter has HUGE muscles. Hughes says he has never had a practice like this before. Prepare for injuries galore?

– Joey did not show up to practice like he is Allen Iverson. Serra calls a meeting to say Joey was not caught but rather found a way out. Matt says that Joey wanted to be on a reality show as a friend but the catch is that he needs to fight in the octagon. They return to the House. Dorian thinks it is cold that Joey’s name was crossed out. He thinks it’s like he’s dead.

Geez. It’s a tournament. Who carries if it is circled, crossed out, scribbled, why does it matter? Is the house going this smoothly that crossing a name out as opposed to a pretty little star is the way to go? My goodness.

– Mac ultimately wrote Joey’s name back on the board. I would never fight in any sport and hate playing competitive sport but even I think this is a much. Mac and Joey discuss things. Joey wishes to quit. Mac encourages Joey to remain in the game and nothing good will happen if he stays. Joey hates losing and wants to go home and get over his first loss and think about if he should keep with the sport.

– Serra tells us that during the night time training session his team informed him about Joey’s desire to quit. The coach makes a rare appearance at the house. He goes into Joey’s bedroom and gives him the pep talk.

SERRA: Don’t be like Noah who left for a chick. My first loss was the spinning backfist by Shonie which I still have to see on the highlight reel. It’s rough.

What’s rough about being in a highlight with Mr. International? That’s what we call a privilege.

– Serra says it is not about fighting right now it is about being a man. He echoes Mac that he could replace an injured fighter in the future. Joey agrees to stay but wants to call home. Awe. He’s homesick. Serra shakes his head and says it will not work out. Matt offers him to be another coach. Serra is hilarious as he comments on the yellow wall in the bedroom and the crazy monster in the room. “What the f— is that?”

– Joey is staying in the house and is coaching the others in jiu jitsu. Ben is happy Joey is staying. Serra’s team looks stronger than ever. Er, in episode two.

– Team Hughes discuss who Serra will match up for the fights. Dorian thinks he will be picked because Serra is under the impression he will be an easy win. Dorian thinks Ben will be the opponent because Ben is better on his feet than Dorian. He gets so worked up that he is ready to cry. Serra’s team gets back and sees Dorian convinced that him and Ben will be picked. For what reason?

– Fight announcement. Dorian is pacing back and forth like he is in pre-fight mode. Sizes up Ben.

DORIAN: Give me all those motherf—ers, I’m outta my mind. For real.

You don’t say.

– Dana is not present. Serra runs the meeting. Matt Arroyo is fighting Dorian Price. The striker in Ben is changed to a jiu jitsu specialist in Serra. Hughes’ assistant coach is surprised they picked this match-up because it is the match-up Hughes wanted. Arroyo is viewed as a stand-up guy who is terrible at stand-up.

– We are introduced to Matt. He has the least amount of fights. Three pro fights and won all three by submission. He has been training in boxing and jiu jitsu.

– Hughes hands out the book of ester/esther/estar/I dunno. A Bible. Hughes instructs everyone to grab a copy and read it. Tell him who he is from the Book of Ester. We see Jared reading it and making fun of this Sunday School assignment. Dan thinks God gave him the power to break down the Bible into “guy terms” and “fighter terms”. Mac is not here to find himself spiritually and does not wish to read. Hughes says he doesn’t have to read but that “it’s just a story”. Ah yes. Just a story.

– The answer the team comes up with is that Hughes is the Queen. He helps people in a tactful manner.

HUGHES: That makes me feel good. I can leave this sport and go work in a nursing home.

– We resume actual training. Dorian and Hughes train together. Hughes is confident. Serra’s team meets together and Jon relays the one hour bible study lesson that Hughes’ team had.

SERRA: Oh, he’s trying to turn everybody into Christians. What a whack job. He’s making them do bible study and push his religion onto them. Are any of you Jewish?
JOHN: I’m offended as an Atheist so. . .

Serra cannot wait to fight Hughes.

– Chillout time in the backyard. Joey is ready to say f— this and leave. He wants to go home and f— his girlfriend and watch TC. Why does he have the ‘3’ painted on his shoulder? What’s the significance of that? Joey gives a confessional that he wants to lick his wounds with his girl.  In other words he is H-O-R-N-Y.

– Weigh-ins. Dana shows up for the first time since the previous fight. He has barely been around this season. Dorian weighs in at 170. Hughes thinks Dorian will knock Matt out. 168 for Matt. Well below weight. Serra thinks Matt will get Dorian to the ground. Dana tells us that Dorian has a 6-2 record but 5 of his 6 wins are by submission so his Muay Thai has yet to come into play.

– House time. Joey shows the others pictures of his girlfriend. He is attempting to deal with his first loss but wants to get over it with his girlfriend. Joey is making himself crazy by talking about what she’s doing ALL THE TIME. He fears she is f—ing somebody else because she has no friends, she is used to being in his pants (WHAT?!) and is rambling. Jon and the others think he’s going to blow any second and are instructing him to not keep talking about her. It ain’t working. Joey just wants one phone call per week.

– The Serra team goes off to train. Matt requests Joey to stay behind and play Ping Pong with him the day before he fights.

– Serra is in the cage with two guys who are sparring. It is the round of their spar. Serra is pissed that he is called out of the cage because he hears Joey is at the house begging to use the phone again. Right at the start of practice. Don’t be a Noah Inhofer. Serra returns from the office.

– His lips disappear and is shaking his head. He is ready to punch something. He calls the team together.

SERRA: I know you guys want to be here so keep sparring. I have to go back to the house and send a f—er home who wants to talk to his girlfriend every day. How many of you have kids? I know you have a little girl at home and I know some of you have kids too. You’re smiling like a motherf—er because you want to be here. F— him. I have to go send a b—- home. You get your sparring on and I’m gonna kick this f—ing guy off the show. So if you don’t see that pretty p—k anymore it’s his own doing.

– Joey is inside the house. He wants a penis pump on the list for the next thing production to stock up the house with. In a house of all guys I can only see one purpose for such an item. Dang Joey is so hone-eh. When he gets home he is going to ask his girlfriend to marry him.

– Serra gets to the house and is outside in the backyard. He is told Joey is inside. Once inside he finds the room and asks Joey that he needs to talk to him ASAP. Joey is calm and enters the house. Serra has a tough time getting through Joey. He pulls Joey aside and says production has informed him Joey has been b—ing about the phone call. Joey said he just asked for one call per week. Nothing materializes from the situation and Joey remains in the house.

– Fight day. Both fighters insist they’ll win. Dorian walks in with nearly an empty jug of milk. Didn’t know that was a pre-fight beverage. Matt knows Dorian will want to keep the fighting standing. Serra coaches Matt how to breathe.

Prediction: Dorian wins by KO?


– Dorian wants to put judges out of his business. He will not take it to the judges.

– Dana introduces the fight. Mazzagatti our referee.

– A couple of headkicks by Dorian. Headkick by Arroyo. Huge knee on the noggin by Dorian. You can hear the smack. Arroyo goes in for the takedown and is in Dorian’s guard. He moves out of the guard and reigns down a huge punch as he gets into side control. Dorian gets it back into side control. Arroyo punches the ribs. Dorian wraps an arm around Arroyo’s neck. Matt gets into full control. Arroyo is punching the ears.  Elbows. Punches. More elbows. More punches. Dorian gives his back. Insta rear naked choke. Dorian taps within half a second. Fight over. What happened to the huge knee? Really.

– Fight recap. They talk about the huge flying knee. Matt was seeing stars. Dorian was impressed Matt took the flying knee full on. Matt’s huge punch when he got out of the guard hit the mat instead of Dorian’s face. Arroyo thought the fight would be stopped earlier but gave him the choke. Nobody is unhappy with either fighter’s effort and performance.

– Serra says that Hughes asked him what he saw in Matt. Now he proved it. Dorian covers his face with a T-shirt as twelve people watch him cry in the room. They have a circle prayer. “And in the Queen’s name, amen”.

DORIAN: The fact I tapped out is what discourages me the most. I should’ve probably went to La La Land and had a nice little dream. A dream about some fat hookers and a little Latino midget.

The referee is happy he did not have to be the first thing you see during a daze of hookers and Latino midgets. Awkward moment for the referee, I have a feeling.

Next time on TUF: Hughes has a heart to heart with his fighters. Joey asks for a day off from training. The fighters watch UFC 72 and get stupid and crazy. Joey’s future on the show hangs by a thread. Who can take the heat and emerge as the next Ultimate Fighter? Not Joey. That’s for sure.

P.S. If Joey does not quit next episode then it is the biggest waste of a storyline ever. Just saying. I wish Roman could come back and break his elbow again just so he could freak out.





Third episode

Previously on TUF: Hughes took out Serra’s good friend Joey. Arroyo got Team Serra’s first victory by choking out Dorian Price. Joey threatened to quit and Serra was pissed. After talking to his mentor Joey promised to stay. But will he????? Oh. I see what you did there voiceover.

– Intro time. Thereisnosomethingultimateiswhatsinstorewarriorboomahithaslanded.

– Fight recap. John says the fight went exactly how their team planned. Jon says the Dorian knee landed beautifully. Nobody thought Matt would recover but he did and pounded him out. Richie has purple hair!

– Serra training session. Matt thinks Hughes will try to take out George or Hightower because Hightower appears to be smaller. Serra thinks Hughes might not go after George because George is too strong and may screw up Hughes’ match-ups down the road.

– Joey wanted to go home in the first couple days and wanted to get out of there. But then he was picked to fight and concentrated on the fight. He lost and now wants to go home. He asked Serra to take the day off because he didn’t sleep well.

BECAUSE HE DIDN’T SLEEP WELL?! It’s only episode three. We are less than a quarter into this competition Pete Sell/Drago from TUF 4 is Serra’s assistant coach. Sell is not surprised Joey requested a day off. Serra screws himself pouring coffee. Matt didn’t let Joey have a day off and forces him to spar. It will be a rough day for him considering people get revenge on those who irritate them in the House during a sparring session.

– Fight announcement occurs twenty minutes earlier than normal. Hughes selects Billy to face John Koloschi. Nobody thought this match-up would happen. Both fighters like this match-up. At the start of the season John told Serra he wanted to fight Billy in the first place. Will we have consecutive weeks where the team not in control gets their desired match-up but still lose?

– We meet Billy. He has a son. Anytime he thinks about his son he uses it as fuel. In contrast with Joe who uses it as a way to get out. Billy is getting fatigued all of a sudden and wishes to see his son. The coach tells him that these six weeks can change his son’s life. The team has a meeting in a circle. Hughes tells everyone how he has left behind a ten-month-old girl, a seven-year-old boy, and a wife he “still” loves. Huh. He didn’t have high expectations.

– Hughes says his clock is ticking in this sport. He has two or three fights left then he’s done. Yeah right. He goes on further but Serra’s team walks in. Hughes says they need to leave. When they leave he continues on with his depressing story. He admits the last three or four fights he has not been preparing his body. He took an easy route and thought these final fights he needs be as good as he can be and have his daughter watch those tapes.

– Hughes compares it to their junior college days where it sucked as it happened but the moment you leave you wish you were back. The sap story ends and they do a huddle and yell ‘Family!’

– Serra and Hughes’ teams are getting along fairly well. John is the happiest guy in the house. He was a technical engineer and made it to the top of management. John’s nickname is Fight Club as a result. He is a supervisor at a Microsoft healthcare corporation and sits in a cubicle telling people what to do. His strengths are ground and pound. Boasting about beating people from inside someone’s else guard begins.

JOHN: I wouldn’t get hit in the first few fights so I’d headbutt into the guys’ fists so I could get hit and feel the pain.

– Van time. Dana says he is in Belfast for the UFC 72 PPV card. Although not really on PPV for most of the world. He let the guys at the house watch the PPV. Hughes brought chicken wings and shrimps. Mac can’t eat any of that so he asked for French Fries and Hughes brought in French Fries. Hughes’ armpits are sweaty. Serra comes into the house too.

– Hughes brought food for his own guys but Serra brought nothing for his guys. Hughes is silent. Serra meanwhile talks about it with everyone else. The only one not watching it is sure enough Joey. What? You want to be in the UFC and you are outside sitting in a chair staring into the distance? What be wrong with you? He doesn’t want to think about fighting.

– Serra brings Joey inside. They talk. Serra tells him he will punch him out if he bugs him about phone calls. Joey mocks him by saying he wants out of here. But in all seriousness he wants out of there. He fought and lost and thus wants to go home. He’s so done by this episode.

– Commercial. Matt talks about how Joey was Serra’s Best Man at his wedding. The assistant coach Ray Longo shows up. Ray, Serra, and Joey all discuss the issue. Joey is homesick. Serra says it is about keeping his word and about the team and being a man. Matt Serra smiles and tries to cheer him up and is confident he got through to Joey who is frowning and resting his head on his wrist.

– That night everyone is drinking in the house. Another bleeping Joey scene. He wants to go home and see his girlfriend. His c–k aches I must imagine. Richie, War Machine, and Rudeboy, then everyone starts drinking. I have no idea who has those nicknames.

MATT: Fifteen minutes later everyone is smashed.
*Two guys smash their heads with garbage cans. Literally smashed.*
*They fling paint on the walls and write ‘war’ on the wall’.*
*Joey writes ‘Angie’ in paint on the cupboards. I get it.

Someone is walking on the roof and Joey swings at a bush with a noodle and spins around to falls.

– Joey for the millionth time says his head is not into fighting, training, coaching. His head is somewhere else (not in conjunction with his brain I can assure you) in the van. They arrive at the gym.

JOEY: I gotta get outta here, dude.
SERRA: No, you can’t. The deal is this–I can’t have you teaching at my schools if you do this. If you give up on us now then you’re not teaching at my schools no more. If that’s what you accept.
JOEY: That’s not what I want.
SERRA: I can’t have people wanting to join and train with me saying ‘Hey, I wanna be a quitter’. That’s what you’re doing. You’re giving up on everyone here.
JOEY: That’s not it. You see how I am.
SERRA: You can be an asset to the team just technically you can be an asset.
JOEY: I can’t.
SERRA: You “won’t”. That’s the problem.
JOEY: Yeah but. . .
SERRA: But what bro. I mean, dude, not for nothing. But f—ing high school? What happened? What went wrong with that? You didn’t even want to make it through that. This is like a pattern in your f—ing life.
JOEY: That’s not true.
SERRA: Yeah it is yeah it is. You’re not gonna have a job if you go home. Someone else will have your position. If you go home it’s gonna be hard because I’ll lose a friend.
PETE SELL: I feel bad for you. You’re gonna regret it the rest of your life. You’re throwing your life away. What are you doing? You won’t have a job when you get back. You wanna go back home and work at the bank? You have the life, dude. People are homeless and you ain’t got it bad. You’re in a million dollar mansion, you’re on TV, and you get to hang out with a bunch of guys. You can eat anything you want. Boo hoo. You’re thinking you in shackles and chains? Come on. Go home.

– Joey goes into the van. He’s hurt losing a friend in Serra but he packs his stuff up. Dana enters the House. He is back from Northern Ireland and gets a phone call that Joey wants to leave the house. He went there and has known for Joey a long time. He’s a nice guy according to Joey. He literally just landed and has not talked to Serra. He tries talking him off the ledge.

– Joey complains about the house and having nightmares and pacing the house.

DANA: Regret is f—ing forever. You don’t wanna go out like this. This could put your whole f—ing life on track. It’s f—ing easy to leave to pack up your s— and go.

Dana exits. He reminds us that if he leaves he will be like the other quitters who are never allowed into the UFC. That should be enough of a deterrent. In addition he will be losing a job at Serra’s gym and a great friend. Just for Joey Dana has promised him that he can call him if he needs anything and to sleep on it before he decides. In other words, don’t eff this up. Your existence in the MMA world will end if you leave.

– Suspense ticking music plays. What will he choose? The red pill or the whiny horny quitter pill? He packs his bags and gets out of the house.

JOEY: I’m not a d—, a d—-bag, a p—y. Don’t hold it against me.

I’m holding this against you–oops. Too late.

– Serra’s team trains. They are excited that the distraction is gone and this is the end of his career. Joey has to live with it. John believes Joey was a p—y for whining about a girlfriend he has been with for six months. Serra is happy he can concentrate on his fighters rather than Joey’s piss poor attitude.

– Training session for Hughes. The day before weigh-ins for Billy Mills. 179 is his weight. Nine more to go. Assistant coach Nick Fury (yes, that’s his name) is against the sauna. He thinks training in black garbage bags does the trick. That is a ton of sweat on the mat. Staph Infection Heaven.

– Weigh-ins. Billy is a good wrestler and strong. He is nude as he weighs in at 171. John weighs in at 169. Dana predicts a Billy win by ground and pound. So do I.

– Training session for Hughes. Billy thinks Hughes has prepared him for war. He awkwardly looks at the camera when it is time to train.

– Fight Day. John wakes up with chills and has a cold. He cannot take a deep breath without coughing. I certainly hope it is not as contagious as staph. Others tell Billy that John is nowhere near his skill. John claims to be through enough three round wars while Billy has not. Too bad the fights are designed to be two rounds. Did someone not inform John of the format?

BILLY MILES / LOOMIS, CALIFORNIA / 29 years old / 2-1
JOHN KOLOSCI / PORTAGE, INDIANA / 32 years old / 8-4

– Herb Dean is our referee.

– They touch gloves. They circle each other. John does not have his hands up. John fires a punch. He comes in for a takedown against the cage. Billy is defending it. John works him onto the ground. He deals some punches. Billy is scrunched against the cage. John is in Billy’s guard. Serra calls for John to bring his head up. Billy spins out of the cage and gets John onto the ground. John has a butterfly guard. Billy has him against the cage doing nothing. John is sitting doing nothing. He starts hitting Billy’s back who is yawning. John has his right arm on a lock. Whoa. Billy taps. That’s the fight. No one could have predicted that.

– Fight recap time. Serra expected John to keep it on his feet but he rushed Billy. John explains he ran under the jab and shot. Billy was shocked because he believed he was the best wrestler by far. Once Billy got John down he was purely holding onto him. Billy tapped literally two seconds after the guillotine. It is the third happiest day of John’s life after the birth of his daughter and his fiance saying yes.

– Serra is happy for Johnny because he is such a nice guy. Hughes doesn’t think Billy gave it his all and gave up.

DANA: It looked to me like Billy choked. . . No pun intended.

I bet he has used that joke from time to time over the past ten years with his buddies.

– So a guy with a cold beats arguably the best fighter. Fun.

Next time on TUF: Hughes is not happy with Billy’s performance. Pressure mounts for Dorian who loses it. Hughes and Dana have a meeting about Dorian. Dana tells Dorian he cannot touch any of the crew. Whaaaaaaaat? How did that happen? Who can survive to become the next Ultimate Fighter? I dunno.





Rank the Fights

1) Dorian Price vs. Matt Arroyo (He ate a huge flying knee and still won in the first round? Matt Arroyo, you my friend are impressive.)

2) Joey Scarola vs. Mac Danzig (A black belt jiu jitsu specialist has his guard passed quickly and is submitted by a triangle choke. Danzig = best ground fighter in the house then?)

3) John Kolosci vs. Billy Miles (Billy thinks the best position possible is to sit someone in a guard against the cage and hold them there. That should be tough to counter, right?)

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