Previously on TAR: Jonathan said a bunch of funny things. Lori & Bolo had a heated battle that caused them to meltdown. Rebecca filled the car with incorrect fuel. Jonathan did more crazy stuff. Avi made an alliance with Gus but did not trust him when the alliance was at a rare juncture of being important for once. So he’s gone.
– Phil introduces us to the land of fire and ice–Iceland. It was the first pit stop. Teams don’t have a clue where to go yet. Will Jonathan & Victoria’s constant fighting slow them down or be a motivating force? And will Gus & Hera get out of last place? Hayden & Aaron, who arrived at 4:57pm, will depart at 4:57am.
– Fly to Oslo, Norway. Once there find the Holmenkollen Ski Jump. Kris & Jon at 5:42am. Then Lena & Kristy. Lena is the driver for this leg. Freddy & Kendra check out of the pit stop. Jonathan & Victoria kiss before departing.
VICTORIA: . . . .
JONATHAN: Stop panicking.
VICTORIA: I’m not panicking.
JONATHAN: Stop whining.
VICTORIA: I’m not whining.
Funniest interaction to start a leg ever. Seriously, there’s no way either of these two are playing for camera. Do you know how much energy you’d have to put into acting like a witty, argumentative, and extremely high energy couple? You’d be exhausted after performing for one leg in front of the camera. These two have not toned it down for one second. These two are carrying this season as it stands. While Freddy & Kendra or Meredith & Maria may be better served not being cast for the race.
– VICTORIA: I hope this race will evolve our relationship to a more positive place.
. . . . .LOL.
– Lori & Bolo depart at 550am. Okay, these two are pretty entertaining too. Bolo used to be put into jail but stopped that when he met Lori. Awe. Adam & Rebecca say when push comes to shove (cue Jonathan) they shove together. Rebecca tells Adam to not pass cars because he is going too fast. Adam stutters like the Comic Book Guy and tells her to enjoy the drive. If you listen to the clip it sounds like a CD skipping.
– Meredith & Maria check out at 6:34am. Equalizers when you were four hours behind before the shuttle last leg did wonders.
MEREDITH: The men in Oslo are very handsome.
Unfortunately the men in Oslo may or may not say the same thing about you, Meredith. Ohhhh snap.
– Mary Jean thinks Don thinks he is in charge of everything but he knows that is not the case. So how does he think he is running things if he knows he is not? Your logic confuses me, MJ. Gus & Hera check out of the pit stop. Gus believes their biggest weakness is they are both stubborn. They depart at 6:56am. So it’s a two hour spread from first to tenth.
– Jonathan’s team is named Botox. Everyone knows the wrestlers follow the nearest car in front of them. The teams go to the Iceland Air counter. The couples call each other ‘baby’ to the point that viewers get sick. Kristy says there are enough seats for all ten teams to be on the same flight. Who knew a flight from Reykavik to Oslo would not be high in demand. Whoa. Eighth minute and we are in Oslo. That is a huge shift from being in airports for twenty minutes at a time last season.
– The teams pile into their marked cars. Jonathan and Victoria scream at each other where the cars are. Mary Jean hears this and tells Don to duck down in the parkade so Jonathan does not see them.
– MARY JEAN: DUCK DOWN! DUCK DOWN! PLEASE DUCK DOWN!
The camera operator who stands well above you has blown your cover. Or the trunk door that is wide open and well above the cement wall. Mary Jean and Don must have brittle bones and zero flexibility if that is their best effort to duck down. Jonathan spots them.
– Lena & Kristy made friends with a man on the plane. The man arranges with his son to hang with them for the rest of the day. The son admits he would not have volunteered if they were big men. I think he wants a piece of American Mormon a–.
Oh ho ho ho. They’re all laughing. They’re all having a good time. Look at the grin on the guy’s face. If only people reacted the same way to reading this blog.
– Meredith & Maria get into their car. Several teams honk their horns at them because. . .
What? Dri…ving? This wasn’t part of the race!
SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO FREAKIN DRIVE A STICK!
– The teams wonder what’s going on. Meredith signals for the teams to drive around them. Maria eventually figures out how to drive. Kendra cannot read the map, Victoria can’t, Mary Jean can’t (although she yells at Don who is driving for not knowing where to go), and Gus asks for directions. Victoria gets back in the car after asking for directions and her voice is SQUEAKING. It is no different from a mouse.
JONATHAN: Shut up!
If this were the movie Clue, it would be the part where Mr. Green would slap the maid Ivette so he could stop her from screaming. It’s that bad. Victoria’s voice sounds like Pipsy from Diddy Kong Racing.
– Maria stalls the car a couple more times in the middle of the road. Kris reveals she was a geography major in university. Mormons and Kris’ team gets to roadblock. “Who is ready to perform an Olympian feat?” In this roadblock teams will climb to the top of the highest ski jump in Scandinavia and ride down a thousand feet on the zip line. Jon and Kristy are doing the roadblock. I think tasks where there is zero skill required should always have your weakest player do it. So things like riding a zipline should be for the Nicoles or Flos.
– Jon does it first. They have to drive to Viking Village. Kristy does the roadblock next and finds the son to direct them where to go. Meanwhile. . .
How do you solve a problem like Mariaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Yeah, I busted out a Sound of Music reference. At the beginning of the leg this team said they would have a positive attitude. During this clip Maria keeps repeating “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t”. Where’s the optimism now when you need it most? Meredith is not driving because she would not be any better at it. Maria keeps working at it and finally gets the car working again.
– Bolo is doing the roadblock. Adam and Rebecca discuss who will do it. He stutters. Finally he commits to it as Rebecca keeps telling him to do it. Bolo does the roadblock and exits. Adam screams “Mom I love you” about five or six times. Rebecca cheers as Adam likely screamed his mom’s name instead of Rebecca’s during another high ecstasy activity.
– Hera does the roadblock then Kendra. Freddy does his fake laugh yet again. The Norweigan fellow named ’Audi’ directs the Mormons to the Village. They arrive in first.
Why Audi agreed to help these Americans. Kristy grabs the clue. Crap. Another overnight equalizer. The roadblock is meaningless. In the morning the ten teams will choose one of two viking ships. Only five teams per ship. The two ships will race simultaneously in the morning. When the ship gets to the dock they will receive their next clue. In other words the detour will be the only chance teams have to differentiate themselves from the pack in this leg. Poor production planning. Kris’ team is next to the clue. Hayden & Aaron are lost on the way. Aaron says ‘I have uh no idea’. His Italian roots are kicking in.
– Jonathan reluctantly agrees to do the roadblock. Don immediately volunteers to do the roadblock. She is pissed.
MARY JEAN: Don and I agreed that if the roadblock was heights and things I would do it because it does not require strength. It’s a roadblock, he says ‘M J I can’t let you do it’ and he’s running. I’m pissed!
Dang. The older couple figured out the proper strategy but Don has too much AYY DEE DEE to stick to the game plan. This team really sucks. So why did Don do it?
DON: I was here 52 years ago. Those stairs were a lot easier back then. 17 versus 69. Phew.
He is re-living his old Olympic memories like he’s Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. What a fool.
I never noticed this before but Jonathan took his shirt off just for the roadblock. It is pouring rain in Oslo during the leg, and it’s Scandinavia so no doubt the rain isn’t exactly tropical, and Jonathan still insists to have his shirt off. I think he wanted to be some Jean Claude Van Damme action hero on the zipline. He must be the biggest kid at heart in the history of TAR.
And he even hangs upside down at the end. What a guy.
– Hayden & Aaron get into a quarrel in the car. Maria stalls at the toll booth when she asks for directions to the ski jump. Don drove onto a dirt road. Bolo can’t read a map.
– This is my favourite sequence in perhaps the entire season of TAR 6. Jonathan & Victoria get to the village.
Jonathan accidentally slams the trunk door on Victoria’s head. He does not apologize and runs ahead of Victoria despite her concussion telling him to wait. He grabs the clue.
Then starts screaming and cheering for no reason. He hasn’t even opened the clue.
JONATHAN: We are number one!
VICTORIA: No we’re no.
Survey says Victoria is correct.
Jonathan is now skipping along the path.
JONATHAN: YOU’RE A WHINER AND A COMPLAINER AND WE’RE NUMBER ONE! YEAH!
VICTORIA: We’re not number one. Look there’s people here Jon.
– Jonathan chats with Lena & Kristy after finding out they are number three.
JONATHAN: I KNEW the other teams would not be smart enough to find this. She had no confidence in me, but I knew–
LENA: I’m so proud of you.
JONATHAN: But this game teaches you things about yourself! I cannot believe it.
The Shove. Or “A Shove” rather.
Did I just say I am proud of him like his mother? And did he just shove you?
JONATHAN: You owe me an apology.
VICTORIA: I’m sorry.
JONATHAN: You me a bigger apology.
VICTORIA: I’m really sorry!
JONATHAN: You need to look inside yourself and and
JONATHAN: You need to look inside yourself and do something different. I’m so proud of myself!
He finishes the trifecta. Jonathan slams his wife’s head, shoves her, then pokes her all without intent thanks to how high strung he is. I am so proud of you. And I bet you is proud of you.
– Aaron unnecessarily sprints up to the ski jump. The rest of the teams aren’t as crazy as Jonathan so they just read they’re at a traditional Viking Village and hang out with the others.
– Twenty million hours Maria does a roadblock. Meredith reminds me of my friend Kaitlyn in the way she talks. But I think Kaitlyn would contribute more than Meredith.
– AARON (sigh): I hate this place.
Yep. Nothing is a buzzkill like spending overnight in a traditional Viking village. If we were in Normandy though that’s a whole different story.
– Meredith & Maria get to the traditional Viking village in what appears to be close to dawn. I would estimate they were three hours or so behind the others. Seven o’ clock arrives and the teams get into their boats.
BOAT 1: Lori’s team, Adam’s team, Hayden’s team, Kris’ team, and Lena’s team.
BOAT 2: Gus’ team, Jonathan’s team, Meredith’s team, Freddy’s team, Don’s team.
In other words, it’s normal versus the eccentric and those that suck. Let the Viking games begin!
– Remember when Rebecca told Adam to not wear his sunglasses in times of fog? It appears Adam likes to wear them on a cloudy Scandinavian day.
Rebecca sounds more like his mother.
Adam recognizes this and does not let Rebecca tell him what to do. Seeing how far apart they are on the boat means the other four teams were privy to this argument. Awkward. He obliges and takes them off.
– Jonathan yelled at Meredith’s poor rowing. She cries. Boat 1 wins no problem. Teams must drive to the town of Honefoss, take a two hour train to Voss, then drive to the bridge to receive their next clue. Aaron yells for all five teams to travel to the train together to beat the trailing five teams. See. That’s how alliances work in TAR. Team up when you are in the same proximities with another. Aaron is a bright fellow.
– JONATHAN: Freddy, you give everything to me I’ll take everything off.
FREDDY: Get your own damn s—.
Okay, alright. I concede defeat. Logan approves of how Freddy behaved here. Jonathan shouted at Meredith and Victoria the whole time on how to paddle the boat.
Somebody from Boat 2 is in big doo doo. A dropped clue?
Kendra asks Freddy if he has the clue. He says he doesn’t. Kendra was the only one to have it. It must have dropped out. Freddy says the quick solution is to grab another clue from the clue box. I am sure that would be fine.
– Meredith cries in the car. She says Jonathan doesn’t have to scream at her like she is his wife. Incorrect. You mean he cannot shove you like you are his wife. Screaming at people is universal, my dear.
– Lena & Kristy are first to the train station. Then the trailing four teams get to the train together. The other four teams from Boat 1 have yet to be found. You know what else has yet to be found?
Something appears to be missing from Adam’s eye vicinity. Oh. His sunglasses. He lost them in the boat. His head snaps back so quickly and the venom is so fierce. He does look full on Hellboy.
ADAM: If you ever tell me to take glasses off again I will never talk to you again! For the rest of my life. You understand me?
That’s gonna be some interesting scenes in the bedroom.
Relationship. Over. Rebecca cries silently as Adam continues his rambling.
– Don asks if there is a senior discount. There is. The first person to exploit their age to save money on the race? All ten teams wait for the train. Rebecca tells Adam the relationship is bad all the time. Adam disagrees. Everyone else reads the map.
REBECCA: I’ve lost that feeling for you. I don’t know what to do about it because it makes me not want to be with you.
Adam’s rational response?
ADAM: Do you want me to jump on the tracks? I’ll jump on the tracks. Seriously. If that’ll make it better.
REBECCA: You’re such a drama king.
He tears up. Rebecca knows he was sorry because his whole demeanour changes. He becomes caring, resourceful, and threatens to jump on train tracks. What a healthy relationship I say. His next pair of sunglasses will be taped to his face for safe measure.
– Marked cars are in Voss. Maria is stalling the car and struggling with the stick in last place. Lena & Kristy are first. Jonathan friendly pushes Victoria ahead. Detour time. Endurance or Accuracy. In endurance teams must roller ski a one mile course. In accuracy teams must play three games traditionally played by the Vikings. In Coo, teams take turns knocking down a ring of sticks by tossing a stick. Once all sticks in the ring are down, the king-shaped stick in the centre of the ring is their final target. In the next game one team member must hit a log with an axe. In the final game the other team member hits the centre of a target on a hay bale with a bow and arrow. Once this is complete they receive their next clue.
– BOLO: Let’s do accuracy.
LORI: In accuracy you have to be accurate.
BOLO (dumbfounded): Uh, okay. Let’s do roller ski.
Jonathan & Victoria, Don & Mary Jean, Gus & Hera, Freddy & Kendra, and Kris & Jon do the roadblock.
FREDDY: They actually play this in ancient times? This is the biggest waste of time.
I think this is what made my mom hate Freddy & Kendra for the remainder of their time in the race. You have to remember that this team has zero sense of humour so anything that comes out of their mouths is one hundred percent serious. So when Freddy makes a culturally offensive comment directly to the face of a Scandinavian you can’t help but feel it is offensive.
This episode with him and Adam leads me to make a point of what bugs me throughout this season. Couples who are newly dating, engaged, or recently engaged, or newlyweds, are typically in the same frame of mind for the race. This is extremely noticeable when we have a season oversaturated with six four mactor couples, then two couples who are in their 30s.
They are there not so much for playing the game itself but to find out on the race if they are ultimately compatible. Traveling to see how far you can go as a couple is supposed to test your relationship. Contrast this with Charla & Mirna, Chip & Kim, and similar relationships where the only focus is to win, see other places, and be competitive sons of b—es. While I don’t mind the odd romantic couple in their 20s on a race, it gets a bit irritating when half the teams don’t give a crap what they are experiencing and only want to see if they can remain together or not. This absolutely zaps the competitive feel of the season.
Which is why couples like Tara & Wil or the Colin & Christie are the most fun couples to cast because they are so competitive and their relationship crap develops naturally on the periphery rather than being a central focus and making the game secondary.
Now back to our programming.
– Production knew what they wanted out of the Endurance portion of the detour.
Booty fall! Somebody could crack their tailbone.
Lori and Bolo laugh about the situation.
Oh wait. Lori was being sarcastic. Muh bad.
– Kristy booty falls. Aaron says they should switch because it’s not safe. Hayden is trying to teach him how to snow plow. Adam sees Aaron booty fall then insists to switch tasks. Meredith & Maria are last to the detour. They do Viking Games.
– For the first time in his life Jon asks a romantic partner to knock the wood down. Gus & Hera finish the first two tasks before the other teams complete the first task. Adam & Rebecca hit the king first a few times then switches back to booty falling.
– Gus connects with the arrow. Pit stop time. Go to Nesheimstunet. They have quite the lead. Everyone else is nailing the king too early or booty falling. They turn left out of the pit stop. Kris & Jon finish second and are turning left out of the pit stop. I s’pose there’s some significance to this road.
There’s ten more booty falls but this is my favourite one.
HAYDEN: I’m so sorry. Please find the humour in this.
Ouch! I think some of the falls in the credits of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater look more pleasant than what Aaron just endured.
– Don & Mary Jean do task one. So do Freddy. Jonathan does task two. Don insists to do task two even though MJ spent a whole summer firing a bow and arrow and never hitting the target. Don does task two. Kendra, MJ, and Victoria all struggle. Victoria completes it. She directs Jonathan to drive to the left. Lena & Kristy finish skiing and drive to the RIGHT. Bolo is done. He says go left.
– Kris & Jon are first to the pit stop.
The greeter curtseys. She has been practicing to welcome the teams for the past several hours standing on the mat. ‘WelCOME. . .No not quite right. . .WELcome?. . .Then curtsey? I do not know’.
– Oh. I have to guess Phil’s adjective for the trip right? I’ll guess ‘sunny’. As in sunny Caribbean.
– No effing adjective. He says straight up it is a 7-night cruise to Alaska.
– Don & Mary Jean finish the detour in a surprisingly good position. They get into a car and are well on their way to the pit stop. Meredith’s team is just happy to finish the Kings portion. Jonathan & Victoria are right behind Gus & Hera. They jump and scream when they find out they’re second. Gus & Hera barely react to being number three. Gus may be the slowest runner I’ve seen on TAR.
– Kendra completes the roadblock which cues Freddy’s fake laugh. Meredith & Maria complete the axe. Adam & Rebecca finish detour in ninth as they scramble to the pit stop. Except there is one problem.
This is TAR’s edition of Dude, Where’s My Car? Why? Because Adam & Rebecca get inside all available cars and note that none of them are theirs. As a racer this would be the most confusing thing in the world. How can you screw up not being able to find your marked car in the marked parking lot? It doesn’t help that they are next to last so they are more panicked than ever. What happened?
Old people do the darndest things.
Mary Jean announces it is not their car.
DON: We have to go back.
MARY JEAN: No we don’t.
DON: Yes we have to, we can’t pick up their stuff. It’s stealing.
They return the car and Adam & Rebecca exclaim it’s their car. This may be the least upset and vocal I have seen two victims of grand theft auto when it occurs. Don & Mary Jean get out of the car like nothing happened and the teams do not exchange words with each other. It may be one of the most unusual and most underrated things seen in twenty seasons of race. I mean the old senile couple STOLE A CAR. They stole it. How old do you have to be to not discriminate between which car is yours and which one is not? Adam nearly runs over Rebecca’s foot in the process.
– Bolo asks for directions from a big Norwegian woman. Hayden & Aaron arrive in fourth. Then Lori & Bolo.
LORI: Speak now or forever hold your peace.
PHIL: Lori & Bolo, you’re team number six.
LORI: THAT WORKS BETTER THAN SIXTH!
And Phil jizzes in his pants. Wonderful. Will he have time to change before the next team arrives?
– Lena & Kristy realize they turned right instead of left out of the detour. I’ve noticed over the past couple legs that Lena wears her seatbelt so it gets wedged deep into her cleavage. Too many mactors this season if you ask me.
– Freddy & Kendra check into the pit stop. Phil penalizes them for taking an extra clue from a cluebox. So a stolen car this leg and an extra clue are two Race firsts this leg. Dang this is the least competitive season as of two episodes. The penalty is thirty minutes after we are shown the flashback. They sit on the rock and hope the four remaining teams do not check in. Please let them be eliminated. . .
– Mary Jean cries and apologizes to Don. She is breaking down and both of them laugh for tearing up so badly. Adam & Rebecca are sixth as Freddy & Kendra have 21 minutes. Then thirteen minutes as Don & Mary Jean arrive in seventh. Surprisingly there is no penalty for stealing another team’s car. That is the softest penalty for Grand Theft Auto since, well, the last time somebody played Grand Theft Auto Vice City.
They cry model tears of sadness while the viewers cry tears of joy that they might be eliminated.
– Maria hits the target and Meredith golf claps. Freddy & Kendra continue to cry. Meredith brags about buying a map of Voss. Freddy & Kendra’s penalty expires. They are eighth. It is a showdown between Lena & Kristy and Meredith & Maria. Ten seconds of suspense are built. They are ninth. Kristy is surprised they are not eliminated. Therefore Meredith & Maria are last and are indeed eliminated.
So they are gone. I would say this is the worst two episode run of any team in the first six seasons of TAR.
1) They were last to O’ Hare Airport.
2) They arrived at the first route marker over an hour after the tenth team.
3) They were a couple hours later to the tents than the tenth team.
4) They were last to the roadblock this episode.
5) Their boat was last in the race.
6) Neither of them knew how to drive a stick.
7) They were last to complete the detour.
Next time on TAR: Jonathan & Victoria yell. Gruelling detour as Don says “this is the longest day of my life”. Okay, Jack Bauer. And that was a weak preview.
Don&Mary Jean 1.3
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF