THE AMAZING RACE 6
USA, ICELAND, NORWAY, SWEDEN, SENEGAL, GERMANY, HUNGARY, CORSICA, ETHIOPIA, SRI LANKA, CHINA
Me watching TAR 6.
Okay, this season is not that bad. I should start off by saying that TAR 6 aired only two months following the conclusion of TAR 5. For fans this was excellent news considering we were used to TAR airing on an annual basis at this point. The fact we were seeing two seasons air in a calendar year was perhaps the best news any of us heard as TAR fans. The show seemed unstoppable following what was arguably the best season to date (it was in my books so that indeed makes it the best season). I would hate to be on TAR 6 because the expectations were enormous. How do you follow the intensity of Colin & Christie? The odd double standards reinforced by Charla & Mirna? The super duper likeability of Chip & Kim? The ditzy nature of Kami & Karli? The ‘everyday’ but yet surprise success story in the Bowling Moms? That is an extremely tough act to follow.
The quick turnaround means a quick casting session. They had a year to put together TAR 5’s crew. Therefore TAR 6’s crew was put together five times faster and the rushed nature of this process is extremely noticeable. Phil essentially billed this season as “21 stagnant contestants featuring one guy who will carry this season and make it worthwhile”. If you don’t know who I am talking about then welcome to your first viewing of TAR 6. I will not be surprised if by the end of this premiere ninety percent of my screen caps involve him in some capacity.
There are just as many new countries this season as we saw last season. It shows how crappy TAR 4 was for going to new places. Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Sri Lanka, Ethiopia, Senegal, and Hungary are all new countries. By today’s standards that would be enough countries to sustain a twelve leg race course.
I’ll talk about the format changes. As I alluded to at the end of TAR 5 production scratched their heads at why co-ed teams are only capable of winning or being runner-up unless the male performs every roadblock. Flo, Teri, Nicole, Christie, Kim, Margarita, and Kelly would all need to combine for doing enough roadblocks to fill out an entire season. Incidentally the record for a female in a co-ed team with the highest number of roadblocks is Tara with a measly four. Production solved the non-elimination problem by instituting a penalty so people like Flo couldn’t win anymore. But what to do about the roadblock issue? Phil always says at the starting line that the team with the right combination of brains, brawn, and teamwork will win, but is it teamwork if one person does 91% of all roadblocks? Not really.
This brought in one of four format changes:
1) Each person must perform at least six roadblocks. Flo is the luckiest person in the world to have played before TAR 5 and TAR 6 where money was not taken away if you were in last or the fact she would have to suffer through six roadblocks. There is a zero percent chance her and Zach win if she was cast for this season. Not only does this new rule force teamwork but it will inevitably create colossal collapses of teams where a weak player has to do a strenuous roadblock. Production knew this would produce good television in an episode every now and then.
2) The number of Yields are reduced. Fast Forwards are reduced to two in TAR 5 and now Yields are reduced to having only three per season. I am puzzled why production made either of these changes. I know for a fact Yields would have been used nearly every leg this season thanks to how close Chip was burned for not using it in leg ten of last season. The lesson had been taught. Why then did production think their new drama starter need to have 75% of it chopped off? Maybe they wanted Yields positioned in the later legs so that big rivalries would be guaranteed to explode if Yields could not be used until late in the game? That is the only benefit I can see to why production did this. Personally I believe the Fast Forward should be on every leg or not at all, and Yields should be on every leg or not at all. I recall being annoyed by this when TAR 6 aired.
3) The next change is a modification of an earlier leg. I won’t spoil when it occurs but TAR ran into a pre-production issue that forced them to do a modified early leg. It would be an extra leg where whoever came in last would not be penalized in any form whatsoever and teams would continue onto to the next leg without a pit stop. The fact ONE team gets to come in last without a penalty is backward thinking on the part of production. To their credit they needed to institute a modified leg against their will.
4) A prize is awarded to winners on every leg of the race. In seasons past it was usually leg 1 then leg 6 or 7 would give away smaller prizes like cameras and work their way back up to vacation packages. In TAR 5 they were vacations for all prizes for legs 1 then 5 or 6 to the end. This season will give a vacation to the winner of each leg unconditionally. A very fair decision I should say.
TAR 6 made questionable casting choices. Last season we saw six couples, one co-ed family team, one male duo, and three female duos. This season we have seven couples, one co-ed family team, one male duo, and two female duos. I am puzzled what made casting think that SEVEN couples were necessary. Couples are usually the most hated team in the first five seasons or the most boring teams.
How many couples have been the fan favourite in TAR?
Exactly. This was a huge mistake by production. In this season we will mostly see petty arguments that get recycled between all seven of these teams. In addition this cast was largely modeled after last season’s cast except every team here except for one has a milder personality. I personally believe all of these teams were the semi-finals group for TAR 5 and were simply carried over to TAR 6.
But I digress. Let’s get to episode one.
– Phil is on top of an unspecified tall building in Chicago. Ah, the fifth city to host the starting line. Phil calls it the Windy City but his shirt nor hair is budging an inch. Teams are being transported on speedboats across Lake Michigan.
This is as close as TAR gets to a game of Micro Machines. They’re yellow so all of them are controlled by Jethro. We move past my obscure reference and meet the teams.
This is Kris & Jon. Long distance dating mactors who only have time to fill out a TAR application and hang out in front of waterfalls. They are calm, cool, and collected. How dynamic.
Mactors: 2 All other occupations: 0
This is Lena & Kristy. They are Mormons, sisters, and models. Lena has not followed the Mormon lifestyle too closely while Kristy has. They throw a football around but are disappointingly not married to professional athletes. Lena likes to get crazy and get loose while Kristy is not. If Kristy packs on an extra hundred pounds she would resemble Kathy Najimy. The Sister Mormon Act. Can’t wait.
Mactors: 4 All other occupations: 0
And now for a segment of Backyard Wrestling. But seriously these two are Lori and Bolo. Married professional wrestlers. Lori is the b— and Bolo says they are the bad guys.
Too bad Kelly Parks is not around to make fun of Lori’s mole. It looks like all references to her mole will go unscathed this season.
Mactors: 6 All other occupations: 0
The obligatory old couple. Don says this is the best shape they have been in in thirty years. What kind of lifestyle did they have where approaching the BB Andersen age has them in the best condition in a whole generation? May I point out that the first shot we see of these two are working on a 1920s car? They may as well honk the horn and scream ‘Yep, we’re ollllllllllllllld’. You will be no Teri & Ian nor Bob & Joyce.
Mactors: 6 All other occupations: 2
And occupations outside of mactorage are on the board!
MARY JEAN: They’re gonna say we’re too old. We’ll take that as a challenge.
Jerry Seinfeld & George Constanza are cast for this season. More mactors? Oh, no. These are best friends Avi & Joe. They are walking below a pizza sign. They are like an amateur version to Marshall & Lance. Heck, even Marshall didn’t eat a pizza in his opening video so these two guys must really have been careless about their fitness prior to the race. Avi says both have big brains, Joe has the big heart, and Avi has no heart. Could it be? The Brian Heidik of TAR? Joe adds that Avi is the most competitive person he has met.
HEY! JERRY! GRAVITY AND HEIGHTS?! THE WORLDS ARE-UH-COLLIDIN!
Mactors: 6 All other occupations: 4
The tens of thousands of other occupations are catching up. The almighty nature of acting and modeling are losing their precious lead! Who’s next?
This is Hayden & Aaron. Dating. . . Actors! From Hollywood. Groan. Hayden is the one with the cleavage, while Aaron is the one staring at said cleavage.
That is NOT how you play basketball, Hayden. I think that would be how Silas Gaither plays basketball.
Hayden claims it was love at first sight. Aaron says he knows he wants to marry her. How sweet.
Mactors: 8 All other occupations: 4
This is Gus & Hera. A father and daughter who are struggling to improve their relationship. Please note that Gus’ glasses are the direct inspiration for the glasses worn by Greg “Fossilman” Raymer. Google him and you’ll know exactly what I mean.
HERA: My father and I butt heads a lot because he still sees me as a little child.
GUS: When it comes down to it I’m gonna have the final word because I’m still the parent and I’m still more stubborn than she is.
HERA: You would think he has the final word but it’s really gonna be me influencing his decisions.
GUS: Yeah, right.
Gus is right. It’s not like a father-daughter team where the father treats his daughter like a little girl has ever relinquished leadership of the team on TAR. You are the master and commander.
Oh. Forgot about that.
Mactors: 8 All other occupations: 6
This is Jonathan & Victoria. Jonathan appears to have high energy because Victoria is pressuring him with her hand to remain in his seat. What a surprise.
JONATHAN: I am a dictator. I know the answers, and when we run into problems I will make her understand what it is we need to do.
The fiercest dictator we have seen Sasha Baron Cohen.
Victoria says Jonathan is like a speeding train and does not want to be in that path.
Mactors: 9 All other occupations: 7
Jonathan works at PlayBoy Mansion and Victoria is a model at the mansion. It’s still anyone’s game.
Freddy & Kendra. Engaged racists–er, I mean models from Miami. Freddy is ten years older than Kendra and is ready to start a family. Kendra says she is not. How intriguing.
Courtney Yates would think Freddy is a bad boy. Jean Robert wishes he bought one of these.
Mactors: 11 All other occupations: 7
These are best friends and roommates Meredith & Maria. Judging by the way Meredith fits that belly shirt I shall deem these two are not models. We should also factor in that they’re slurping ice cream and a creamsicle in the least seductive way possible.
MEREDITH: We are two girls who like to have a good time.
Mactors: 11 All other occupations: 9
The score is 11-9. We have only one team left. The suspense is killing me.
It is Adam & Rebecca. That hair is not photoshopped. Adam walked into a hairdresser and requested specifically to have his head shaved except for a strip of hair that is directly above his eyes. These two are ex-lovers wondering what could possibly go wrong when one of the two looks like Hellboy and the other one, well, doesn’t.
REBECCA: Why we broke up is because we fought a lot.
Their professions are that they both work at a gym. However a few years ago I saw my sister watching TV. She was watching a crappy channel like Food Network or Life where they have low-budget and highly scripted reality shows air all day long. She is a sucker for those.
Anyways, I walk in and she is watching a group of people work together and operate a gym. One of the people in the opening credits looked extremely familiar to me. In true Logan fashion, I identified Rebecca. I Google’d it and sure enough my assumption was verified. That alone makes her a mactress.
Mactors: 12 All other occupations: 10
Suck it, Adam. She got a career out of this. And became a Lesbian after the fact.
P.S. Rebecca looks a lot like my friend Karrina who went to school with me all the way from elementary school through university. Once I saw Rebecca in TAR I couldn’t break up the association between her and my friend for how freakishly alike they looked and acted. I’m waiting for Karrina to date someone who has devil horns for hair.
– Phil says the questions waiting to be answered are who will have the right brains, brawn, and teamwork to win the one million dollars. Incorrect time to pluralize a statement, Phil.
You are nothing without your turtleneck.
– In just a few moments, blah blah, blah, blah, let’s get to it.
Whoa, easy Jonathan. Stop hopping like a Playboy Bunny and listen to these essential instructions. You don’t want to be screwed at the starting line, do you?
– The other ten teams smile while Jonathan is jumping up and down and moving from side to side. Victoria is jumping a little too. Heh. Jonathan is STILL bouncing even as Phil points at the luggage. A new twist this year: No marked cars to the airport. Teams are told to take the train there. Public transportation is just a fad, Phil. The first team to cross the finish line wins a million bucks. Jonathan is waving his hands in the air and Victoria is pumping her fists. Is this a TAR flash mob?
– Phil lowers his hand and bends them over which is the international TAR signal for “GET THE F— OUT OF HERE!”
– The starting line is on wide open gravel as opposed to a narrow nail-laden pier. Freddy is the first to the clue. He looks like a greaser come to think of it.
– First destination is Iceland. Kris reads that teams have $178.28 for this leg of the race. I would love to know what happened in the production meeting that approved for those extra twenty-eight cents.
– ADAM: It’s cold there right?
REBECCA: No. It’s cold in Greenland. It’s warm in Iceland.
Rebecca shows off her sixth grade geography knowledge. Comparatively that is true. But contrast Iceland’s latitude co-ordinate with any other region in the world and it is still going to be bleeping cold. I would never travel more than 100 miles further north into my nation of Canada. I would never entertain the thought of being as far north to be in line with Iceland.
– Teams jaywalk across the street. 22 contestants and 22 crew members would be a hectic sight in the busy downtown streets of Chicago. This is the greatest diaspora of people since Avi & Joe were told stories of their ancestors.
– Everyone asks for directions to O’ Hara airport and the train station that would get you there. Super athlete Bolo is cramping. He insists to walk as a confessional plays that pain will be no problem for him.
– Adam & Rebecca are first to enter the subway and solve the riddle of how to swipe your ticket. Jonathan meanwhile yells at his wife because she called him mindless as he ran the streets amok looking for the train station. Jonathan is right which means he celebrates as loud as humanely possible. Victoria utters a ‘my god’ already. Jonathan tells us his condescending nature is all passion.
– Jonathan yells ‘woo’ and says ‘we are second!’ as he high-fives Adam & Rebecca. The other teams close in on Blue Line Train #1. Everyone is there except Meredith & Maria and Don & Mary Jean. They work together to find the blue line. The Mormon sisters are further behind but catch the second train. The chances of a female duo have already been squashed if the rustic old couple are the only ones at the back of the pack with you.
– The teams exchange pleasantries on the train. Jonathan & Victoria say that Adam’s name for the race is Hellboy. Note that this was filmed in the summer of 2003 so Hellboy was a fresh movie in people’s eyes. They would soon forget Hellboy ever existed after the movie was a quiet flop.
ADAM: I am eccentric. I’m weird. I’m definitely my own person. I really don’t care what people think of me. I’ve been that way my whole life.
“I am definitely my own person”???? Keep this quote in the back of your mind. There will be a payoff to this.
– Gus proposes a secret alliance to Team Seinfeld and Hayden & Aaron. If nobody knows that they’re ganged up they will be able to bump them off one at a time.
Does Gus even know what he is talking about? Do you know how much effort you would have to put into secretly working to get to route markers without other teams just assuming that those three teams are working together? Has any alliance ever worked on TAR except temporary deals? How do you bump a team off? Take turns using Yields to save the other? But wouldn’t you all be in a pack together so you guys would hit the Yield mats together? And does he know nobody has ever cared who has alliances in TAR?
– Gus reveals he worked for the CIA. Alliances will wreak havoc and destruction. So what is Gus’ first plan to lead his three-team squad?
Hayden’s cleavage is listening to Gus intently.
NOOOOO!!!! WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYY. THE MOST EFFIN ENTERTAINING AND DELUSIONAL NUT IS YOUR FIRST TARGET? F—- YOU GUS!
Jonathan is hooting and hollering unbeknownst to Gus’ scheming. Victoria reaches with a hand hoping Jonathan can avoid running into that metal pole.
GUS: He is a pain in the a–.
– Victoria is stuck in a doorway. Jonathan pushes her through. The push was consensual. Jonathan asks a guy to use his cell phone to call the airlines and ask which flight arrives first. Evidently Jonathan watched TAR 5.
JONATHAN: I am a magician. My foresight is so powerful that I have a way of going into a situation and seeing what needs to be done.
– Jon borrows a cell phone from a guy with a neck brace to call airlines. Hera borrows one from an attendant. Gus and others question if they should get on the flight that connects through Minneapolis. Gus believes it is not a good place to fly to. Does he mean Minneapolis’ weather or Minneapolis in general?
– Neck Brace objects to Jon’s travel plans.
Neck brace inserts himself into the strategy and says going to Minneapolis will help them miss the weather. Gus insists Minneapolis does not have a reputation for flying without flight delays and suggests to go to the Boston flight.
– All flights land within five minutes of each other. In other words it does not mean crap which flight you take. A bunch of the teams scramble up the stairs.
– FREDDY: Kendra and I are modeled and so we travel a lot. We know the nuances of airports.
KENDRA: That will give us an advantage.
FREDDY: Can you check flights to Iceland?
ATTENDANT: We go to Canada. I don’t know how to help you.
– Kris & Jon are first to flagged counter. They get on the flight through Minneapolis. It arrives first. Lori & Bolo follow.
– Gus’ alliance get on the Boston flight.
– Lena & Kristy, and Meredith & Maria join Gus’ counter. Jonathan goes to Minneapolis counter. He converses with Bolo.
Between my blue and your yellow we are superheroes!
Victoria is embarrassed, Jonathan has a childish grin, and Bolo is ready to turn into the Incredible Hulk but opts to grit his teeth.
– Freddy & Kendra are late to Minneapolis counter. Adam & Rebecca get the last tickets. Gus’ alliance are on Boston flight. Meredith, Lena, Don, and Freddy are on the final Baltimore flight.
– Boston’s flight is delayed to 3:00pm as opposed to 2:16pm. The other two flights leave on time. Mary Jean is sitting directly behind Don. I guess they couldn’t get seats together.
– Boston flight leaves. They may or may not make their connection.
– Phil recaps who is on which flight. Luckily I already recapped it for you. Phil tells us that once in Iceland teams will pick a marked car and begin driving to the first route marker.
And it is our first turtleneck sighting. Lovely.
– 5:54am arrival for Baltimore. The final flight is first. Reykjavik airport is pretty empty and small. Freddy & Kendra have gone from last to first overnight.
– Drive to Seljalandsfoss Waterfall over 100 miles away. I think the Glettterschlecht from TAR 3 has the record for longest route marker name. Everyone comments on how foggy the roads are. Teams discover they must get onto Highway 1 to find the Waterfall. My gut tells me that is the only highway in all of Iceland. Teams will be overwhelmed figuring out directions in future legs.
– 6:03am arrival and 6:04am arrival for Minneapolis and Boston respectively. Bolo’s calf has recovered.
– Victoria cannot find the place on the map. She stuffs the map into Jonathan’s face and tells him to find it.
– Bolo asks for directions from a local.
LOCAL: Go straight straight straight straight then turn left.
What a difficult first leg to navigate. -_- Let’s find Les at the BP gas station while we are at it.
– AVI: I am very logical and linear while Joe is creative. Whatever challenges we come up against we can conquer them all.
Avi serenades as he drives.
AVI: New York Jeeeews in Iceland. New York Jeeeews in Iceland.
Are they supposed to be the stereotypical out of shape New York Jews team? Rinse and repeat from TAR 5, I s’pose.
– LENA: Kristy, there’s no way we can screw up on this (getting to the Falls) we’d have to be total idiots.
Therefore someone must screw up driving on the only highway road in Iceland.
– Don asks for directions. Him and Mary Jean conclude everyone in Iceland is ‘ripped’. I was puzzled what they meant when I saw this episode air but on re-watches have concluded that it’s their outdated way of saying ‘they’re high’.
JONATHAN: Everyone is working and working while we are no team. There’s no team here!
VICTORIA: Stop Jon! I can’t take your whining!
JONATHAN: My whining is your incompetency.
I couldn’t make up these quotes if I tried.
– Lori & Bolo pull over to ask for directions. A lone fisherman tells them just keep heading straight on this lone road. Hera honks as she passes by them. Gus cusses her out and says to not do that. He thinks it is classless. Team Seinfeld yell ‘See Ya’ like the YES announcer for the Yankees.
– Gus & Hera drive alongside Hayden & Aaron as Aaron shows off his map. So they follow him. Hayden speaks of alliances being difficult because you have to worry about four extra people. Hayden is catching onto the ridiculousness of tight alliances.
– Adam puts on sunglasses.
REBECCA: Why do you put that on?
ADAM: Do you know what they’re called? SUN glasses!
REBECCA: It is extremely foggy. Sunglasses are not condused for fog.
ADAM: Rebecca. . .I’m going to put you in your bag and close the trunk.
– KRISTY: Our strategy is that we’re following Freddy & Kendra.
Apparently turning to the left when you see a huge waterfall on the only road possible is too difficult of a task. Freddy yells ‘Yahtzee’ and chuckles when he finds it. He pulls in but then motions to Lena & Kristy that it is not it. They get back on the road and keep driving. We see the clue box faded behind the waterfall. They drive to what they think is the route marker but turn around and acknowledge the first falls were the right place. Kristy yells at herself for following teams which was the one thing she told herself not to do prior to the race. At least you learned your lesson much earlier than Andre & Damon.
– Avi & Joe pull up alongside Meredith’s car just to see who it is. They fade behind them in the fog. Eventually Avi & Joe turn off while Meredith & Maria keep driving. TMaria boasts how they know where to go on the map and that Avi & Joe are going the wrong way. Wow. This lone road is indeed difficult to navigate. Kristy is right. You are all idiots for screwing this up.
– Gus bumps his head on the head of the door. Heh. Gus is having a tough time running. Hayden’s team is way ahead and finds the clue first. Bolo falls on the falls. The irony. The four teams exit the falls before opening the clue. It reads for them to go to Vatnajokull Glacier which is Europe’s largest glacier. Once there sign up for a shuttle that will take them to the glacier’s edge.
– Hayden is worn out from the run. She tells Aaron to slow down and not run like the Olympics.
– Meredith suggests Maria should turn the car around. However they continue to drive.
– Joe asks if Avi wants to pull over. Avi shouts that he doesn’t want to.
– Meredith & Maria see Hayden’s car. Aaron sticks his arm out the window and points in the opposite direction. Maria interprets it as needing to turn the car around to get to the Falls.
– Aaron is amazed. He merely points and suddenly Maria is now following them. Hayden thinks that’s mean. Aaron responds by doing a Matty Whitmore laugh into his own hand.
Although from this angle it looks like he is eating his thumb.
– Jon easily passes by Adam. Hellboy is pissed and talks about giving Adam’s car a little bump. Adam & Rebecca pass them in the run but both are essentially tied. Freddy & Kendra and Lena & Kristy backtrack to the falls successfully to be 7th and 8th.
– Kendra whines in the whiniest voice of the Floest of the Flos that Freddy ran ahead of her “like you’re gonna get there before me. It doesn’t make any sense.”
– JONATHAN: I feel like we’ve lost this game by not being a team–
VICTORIA: Let’s FOCUS!
So what happened to Jonathan being a dictator? Does that role only apply to within the boundaries of the continental United States?
– The morning fog has lifted. Hayden & Aaron lead a pack of nine cars. Gus tells Hera to not worry about being passed. Bolo and Jon both pass Hera. Gus says teams are driving too fast. He tells Hera to let them go. It’s not worth killing them. I bet money on Gus insisting they drive seventy on the highway.
– Don & Mary Jean are last but insist they must walk to avoid spraining ankles. Nothing like rallying with a slow walk. They assume they’re last. Then we cut to Maria who wonders where in the universe is the waterfalls. They stop with Adam & Rebecca at the gas station who are asking for directions to the glacier. Looks like Aaron’s fun is over. They didn’t screw up that badly though, did they? How far is it to go back?
So an hour and a half there and an hour and a half means. . .oh s—. Meredith is now the driver.
– First shuttle. Hayden & Aaron, Lori & Bolo, and Lena & Kristy.
Second shuttle. Adam & Rebecca, Avi & Joe, and Kris & Jon.
– Victoria shows Jonathan the map yet again. Holy crap just make Victoria the driver.
JONATHAN: Victoria. . .You need to figure out where your boundaries are.
I thought you’re the dictator. You make the boundaries, Jonathan. Victoria simply wants to ask someone who is ripped or a fisherman.
JONATHAN: You’re driving me crazy man. I’m going to get a divorce.
There are no boundaries for jokes in the Baker household though. He is the dictator of jokes.
– MARY JEAN: If we get lost I’m jumping off a bridge.
Prepare to jump by the ankles of your hitched up pants.
– Jonathan & Victoria, Freddy & Kendra, and Gus & Hera are on the third shuttle.
– Clue time. Teams must ride a snowmobile 2 1/2 to tents. Once there they must pick one of three departure times that are posted in this small campsite. No island of trees to search hours through or a giant mall. So you’d have to be really stupid to not pick the best time. They will spend the night similar to TAR 2 where they slept in igloos on the final leg.
– Lena does not like roughing it. Then the three teams ride on the snowmobile. Hayden screams extremely out of place. We switch to Don & Mary Jean signing up for the fourth charter. Don says they are not last. Meanwhile over an hour and a half away is Meredith & Maria finding the waterfall. Rough opening day.
– 1000am-1030am-1100am-1130am. Bolo snags the 10. Lena & Kristy pull the 1030 immediately. Wow. They are experiencing major first leg jitters. Hayden & Aaron check every tent until they find 10am. The next three teams arrive at the jet ski.
REBECCA: Adam has a huge problem leaving his comfort zone. He still lives at home.
Well, anybody who is their own person lives with their parents. He claims to have never been in snow and refers to it being a giant ice cube.
– AVI: Our peoples spent forty years wandering a desert. Now we’re wandering a glacier.
– The third shuttle finds the snowmobiles. They ride. Don & Mary Jean have a van alone. Meredith & Maria sign up for the fifth and final shuttle. Kris & Jon have 1030am. Avi pulls 1030am. Rebecca searches only to see 11 and 1130. They take 11. Jonathan takes 11. Freddy has 11.
– Gus has flown in an open cockpit plane around the North Pole. He has navigated some of the wildest vehicles ever and is an expert. His expertise in a snowmobile?
License revoked. They are on the 1130. Don & Mary Jean take the 1130 and comment on the landscape.
– Lori & Bolo get into a mock wrestling match on the glacier. Dang they’re strong. Lori wins the match. Rigged.
– Meredith & Maria’s arrival is met with applause as the ten teams are all in a line. It’s the same mood as when a team crossses the finish line to collect a million bucks.
You can sleep in the tent you know.
But I s’pose you’ve had a rough day.
– Victoria and Jonathan argue outside the tents.
VICTORIA: Jonathan is so intense. He needs to know I am just a regular person.
JONATHAN: Victoria needs to step it up and understand the competitive nature of what’s going on here.
VICTORIA: I wish I could change my name just so I don’t have to hear ‘Victoria! Victoria! Victoria!’
You two: Please win. Please. It would be so awesome.
– It is morning time. Some kiss. Some hug. Some complain. Gus’ way to commence the morning is to. . .
Commence armpit farts. Okay. He’s really washing himself with snow. Like it’s that much better of an alternative to armpit farts.
– LORI: I’m so cold that my implants are frozen!
There’s cold. Then there’s implant cold.
– Route marker for the two leading teams. Drive to Glacier Ice Beach. Lori’s car is on the side of the road. Hayden knows they are waiting to follow them. Hayden starts driving and Lori falls behind. Her hypothesis is confirmed. Aaron reminds her that nothing should matter because they are number one right now.
– Second shuttle arrives. Avi, Lena, and Jon all start driving. Charter three is next.
JONATHAN: You need to be at my pace or in front of me.
– Glacier Ice Beach for the leading two teams. Aaron opens the clue. Detour time. Ice Climb or Ice Search. In Ice Climb teams travel over 30 miles, put on special gear, trek across the glacier, and use ice picks to get up the face of the ice wall. Once both are at the top they will receive their next clue. In Ice Search, teams travel a short distance, choose a boat and driver, and search among thousands of icebergs for a buoy with their next clue. The lagoon is seven square miles. Thus, ice climb is the much smarter option.
– Bolo thinks Hayden will not be able to do it because she is too weak. Bolo is confident they’ll get first. The third shuttle arrives at the clue. Jonathan gets in the car and speeds ahead of Freddy and Adam. Gus, Don, and Meredith all get on the final shuttle.
– Lena looks into the camera to say they will do Ice Climb. Kris and Avi follow shortly behind to find the clue. Kris is excited for the first detour. Avi thinks Ice Search will be easier because it is the logical choice. These teams have not had an impressive premiere.
– Lori & Bolo and Hayden & Aaron suit up as a single group. Avi & Joe continue to search the lagoon to no avail. Hayden and Lori finish the climb simultaneously. It has turned into a showdown between Bolo and Aaron. Bolo crushes Aaron on the glacier wall. I think Aaron did it slower than Hayden.
– Pit stop time. Find The Blue Lagoon. The last team to check in WILL be eliminated. Hayden makes fun of Lori for yelling at Bolo to keep moving.
. . . Why?
Boat driver chuckles and shakes his head. He was clearly rooting for Avi and did not want Avi to waste his time.
– Jonathan leads the three teams into the glacier. Adam & Rebecca and Freddy & Kendra are doing the climb. Jonathan & Victoria are going to search. Avi & Joe are bumpuzzled and ask each other if they regret this yet.
JONATHAN: OHHHHHHH! LOOK AT THIS! WHO’S GOT GAME! GIMME FACE! GIMME FACE! GIMME FACE!
I have never seen somebody do this with marked drivers on TAR. I could not imagine anyone other than Jonathan yelling in excitement for a boat driver to ‘gimme face’ and identify which driver is more pumped up. The best part is that none of them smile nor frown and maintain the same stone-faced expression. Victoria eventually breaks Jonathan’s ‘GIMME FACE!’ repetition by insisting a driver who is giving face.
– Jonathan screams and raises his arms as he cheers in excitement for moving in a small boat.
– Bolo pulled over for directions. Hayden passes him and Lori on the way to the pit stop. Hayden takes more jabs at Lori’s yelling. Meanwhile Lena’s team and Jon’s team are at the ice wall. The fourth shuttle gets to the detour. Gus & Hera are the only ones of that group doing the search. Meanwhile Avi & Joe see Jonathan & Victoria and call them schmucks. They ain’t no schmucks because Jonathan & Victoria both holler, scream, bark, and meow as they spot the buoy. If I were Avi & Joe I would have no problem hearing their voices of excitement echo across the lagoon. He rips open the clue and they both scream and yell in excitement of reading it’s the pit stop. Holy cow.
– Joe says they’ve been doing this detour for half an hour. They insult Lori for the third time. Bolo cannot read the map and Lori mimics his voice in a childish manner and says ‘ooooh i said i was good with maps–OH PLEASE!’. Bolo cannot put up with her running her mouth and her ignorance.
– FREDDY: Behind us are Hellboy and their girlfriend. Do you see those things sticking out of his head?
KENDRA: Horny hellboy.
REBECCA: The models are in front of them. I like them.
ADAM: Yeah. They’re nice.
KENDRA: Hellboy and his girlfriend are 4’2” they’re gonna be like little monkeys climbing up the wall.
– Models and Monkeys all do the Ice Climb. Kendra is excited about the pit stop. Freddy laughs at how over-the-top her reaction is. Ah. I recall my sister making fun of Freddy’s laugh because of how fake it always sounds. Too practiced for modeling perhaps.
– Jonathan is reading the map in front of him as Victoria points to places over his shoulder.
VICTORIA: I thought you wanted to go down here.
JONATHAN: What? Do you think I’m insane?
No. I think she just wanted you to go down there. . .
– Gus & Hera are on the boat. He sees he knows what an ice buoy looks like. It is an orange buoy. Meredith’s team are ready to climb.
Mary Jean and Don get into an argument over whether or not Don released a lever so that the seat can be adjusted. Mary Jean is trying to push it forward but there is no point because Don is leaning as forward as possible like any old man. Their backs are naturally like that when they drive so no seat adjustment is necessary. I love how the seat is so far back that even a scrub from a TLC song couldn’t lean that far back without being unable to see traffic.
– Hayden takes on extra responsibility as the driver.
Drive the car with one hand and give your boyfriend a -foot rub- with the other. What is the best thing to do when you have been running in soggy socks and soggy shoes in the morning fog?
If you smell closely you may be able to get a toe hair stuck in your nose. If Hayden is willing to do this then I would say she must be a struggling actress. Why? Because if she was successful, she would not be driving nor give people foot rubs. She would have Diva’d it.
– Kristy discuss which of two roads they should take. Kris says the team in front of them is ‘Nina & Kristy’. Avi spots the buoy. They are like what? Eighth? Gus & Hera find the clue. Hera is instructed how to take a clue from a buoy. Geez Gus, at least Jim understood his daughter was capable of doing simple tasks before they got on the first flight.
– BOLO: We made mistakes.
LORI: We? We? WE?!
BOLO: I made mistakes. I’m admitting it. Let’s move past it.
LORI: I should’ve never trusted you with a map.
BOLO: Keep running your mouth like a dumba– redneck. That’s right. I’m looking at you while I’m saying it.
The rest of the conversation is incoherent. It must be carny wrestler talk.
– Don & Mary Jean get to detour. Mary Jean insists they lock the car. She fails to recall this is rural Iceland and not Detroit.
– Joe has decided that they will take a series of smaller roads to the pit stop. Hayden & Aaron are well ahead as they spot the pit stop and comment on the place’s beauty. Epic music plays. Aaron insists they are first, but Aaron is happy to see the man. Hayden awkwardly says ‘hi’ to Phil to break the silence. Phil informs them they are team number one and that they have won a trip to ‘beautiful’ Hawaii. Hayden and Aaron both hug Phil before has a chance to plug in the sponsour and say it is compliments of American Airlines. I’m going to guess the adjective Phil uses for the remainder of the season. I imagine we will have exotic, incredible, luxurious, and craphole.
– Maria’s goggles fall on her face as she coaches Meredith up. Don & Mary Jean both pass Meredith. Don shows his age by saying he would like to put the ice on the wall into a martini. Maria talks about how fun the detour was but fails to acknowledge they are in last place.
– Lena’s team and Kris’ team run to the pit stop. However Lena does not see the pit stop and Jon followed them blindly. Kris calmly pokes fun at Jon if he even sees the pit stop. Jon clues into this and agrees to backtrack. Sure enough the AYY DEE DEE nature of Lena’s team screwed up for the millionth time this episode which leads to a second place finish for Kris & Jon. They are shocked to be as high as three.
– Adam & Rebecca fill up a car with gas and assume it is not diesel. Why is this significant?
TAR 6 season premiere should be named 101 Dont’s When Racing In Iceland. These are the least competent group of racers I have ever seen.
ADAM: Gas or diesel? How would one know which to fill it up with?
Adam & Rebecca both miss the glaring label. The best part about it?
She is staring directly at the label. Iceland must be one exhausting place to race.
The attendant comes out.
ATTENDANT: It’s supposed to be diesel.
ADAM: It’s diesel!
REBECCA: Why? Is that bad?
Yep. It’s pretty bad. The attendant warns them of the following symptoms they will have to suffer through before recovering from this ordeal. The side effects include and are not limited to:
Burying your head into your knees at three o’ clock in the morning on the side of a highway road.
Your current partner is exchanged for somebody useless.
Adam goes inside to sulk. Rebecca meanwhile remains calm. I have a feeling neither of these two have Ian’s skills of getting underneath the truck, break the fuel line, and siphon it out with a siphon hose. Those kids these days. I am sure the attendant is having an eventful day when Hellboy comes in saying he put in the wrong type of fuel when it is clearly marked on the vehicle. The mechanic comes in to say they must siphon it out. Much of the $178.28 will be used on this I’m sure.
– Freddy & Kendra check into the pit stop. Freddy does that fake laugh of his. Jonathan checks in and screams and raises his arms before Phil has said a word. Phil tells them they’re fifth and they both jump, cheer, and scream for a solid five seconds. Teams that have won the million bucks have had a milder reaction to Jonathan finishing in the middle of the pack on the opening leg.
BYAAAAAAH. I’M HOWARD DEAN. BYAAAAAH.
Jonathan & Victoria. . .what the heck? Oh, and you’re the first team ever to wake up an entire nation.
– We see Jonathan yelling and cheering on the side of the road as Lori & Bolo check in. They think they’re last. Even when Phil says they’re sixth Lori shouts at Bolo for letting blue hair (Jonathan) beat them. We are treated to a montage of Jonathan still running.
– Adam & Rebecca pass the grandparents. Adam asks permission to wave as they pass. Don is frowning. Mary Jean is willing to beat them in a foot race or die trying.
I take the latter.
– Gus & Hera go to the resort of the Blue Lagoon. Hera sees something at the other side of the sauna that is well outside of the resort. Avi & Joe get there too. Gus & Hera tell them it isn’t the right place and that they’ll drive around. Avi is skeptical and refuses to believe that it isn’t the right spot. In other words, Avi does not trust his super secret alliance. Joe says it is a waste of time. They search until Avi spots the red and yellow flags for the pit stop.
– Meredith’s, Adam’s, and Don’s teams all get to the pit stop at the same time. It is a three-way scramble. Adam & Rebecca barely win the foot race. They’re 7th. Mereidth’s team is 8th. Don & Mary Jean are ecstatic to be ninth.
– The super secret alliance battle for tenth. Gus & Hera arrive in tenth. Gus is extremely disappointed while Hera smiles.
– Avi & Joe arrive at the pit stop. Constanza’s face falls like he’s Alex Angarita when he sees the first vote for Edgardo. Constanza takes off his hat and reveals an equally bald head.
JOE: The race taught me that we could do inconceivable things. It has taught us that we can really do anything.
What the f—?! Did production put a gun to Joe’s head and make him say those lines? All Joe did was run on a trail to a waterfall, slept in a tent, and sat in a boat searching for a buoy. He must have aimed REALLY low. Joe would have the whole universe opened up to him if he had the chance to eat a two pound bowl of caviar judging by these standards.
Next time on TAR: After an abysmal performance for all eleven teams we see at least one team continue to screw up. Jonathan & Victoria continue to entertain us, and Adam makes Rebecca cry. Production shows Logan some mercy as the next episode is only one hour. Good stuff.
Don&Mary Jean 1.1
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF