TUF 5 episodes 4 + 5 + 6

Episode four

Previously on TUF: From the start the teams hate each other. Nate and Rob had a huge brawl. Coaches questioned Gabe’s desire to fight because of his willingness to get tubes shoved up his a–. Team Pulver is 3-0. Will BJ’s team stop them or will another one of their fighters bite the dust? The latter is most likely.

– How did Larry Landliss get into the intro? Thought Big John would be a preferred choice as the ref shown in the intro.

– Fight recap. Nate tried to get Rob down but Rob defended well. Pulver’s team thinks Diaz outworked Rob in the first round to exhaust Rob.

– Andy thinks Rob didn’t lose because Nate never took his warriorness, his spirit, or willingness to fight. What is it with Penn’s team? How do you win in the UFC?!

– Penn is not disappointed with Rob’s performance. He’ll simply figure out how to turn around an 0-3 work.

– Diaz’s room cheers. Pulver is excited he’s 3-0. The cutman not named Tabbs celebrates with them quietly.

– Weems is mentioned for the first time all season. Pulver believes he has worked with him too much. There are seven guys who need training and Weems has not improved. Gamburyan states that Weems has zero ground game nor stand-up. Weems gets his first confessional as he calmly states that Pulver is teaching him a bunch of stuff and training him to be the best. I can see why Weems has not been shown.

– Gabe is laying on the mat with BJ. Ruediger is strategizing for who he would like to fight first.
GABE: I think I know who I’d like to fight first.
BJ: Who?
GABE: Weems. Somebody’s got to do it.
BJ (laughing): Uh, you’re not doing that to get an easy win are you?
GABE: He’s gonna get his a– kicked sooner or later.

Therefore neither Gabe nor Weems will fight this round. It will be the fight in episode eight.

– At the house Rob thinks Gabe’s move to request fighting Weems is a weak move. It does nobody any good. He is not thinking for the team but rather as an individual. Pulver’s team would be crazy to have Weems fight in episode four.

– Melendez was supposed to fight this round but Pulver hates how much Melendez has been babying his newly injured foot that there is no way he can put Melendez into a fight this round. It’s too risky if they want to maintain control. Jens is waiting for Melendez to train harder before he gets the chance to fight.

– New development: Melendez has yet to get down to 155. In fact the weight cutting is why people think he has been faking an injury. Brandon has not been below 160 while Jens thinks he has not been below 168. Ruediger and Melendez should fight this round so both get disqualified for not making weight. All of the Colonics in the world cannot change that. Jens will not have Brandon fight this round if he does not get to 160 come fight announcement time. We are treated to Brandon being in the sauna wearing black garbage bags.

– At the house someone asks Marlon what his nickname is. It’s “Mr. Indestuctible,” according to Marlon. Why? Because he beat a nasty Street Fighter. Unfortunately none of them are named Ken, Ryu, Blanka, Zangief, or Sagat. Not even that Mexican fellow T. Hawk. So he’s lying already. Marlon said the nickname was cemented after a couple hundred street fights. His body language from my point of view indicates he’s lying. He hesitated to recall how many fights and his eyes shifted as he held the pool cue uncomfortably.

– GABE: He is the biggest exaggerator of all-time.

Ironic statement Gabe. That statement was the biggest exaggeration of all-time.

GABE: In other words what I’d like to call a bulls—-er.

– MARLON: I’d be in the bar ask me ‘Are you Sims?’ and they’ll start throwing at me.

– GABE: He says he won three hundred street fights and fought seven guys at once like it’s a Steven Seagal movie.

– Six people sit in sofa chairs as Marlon gives a ten-year-old’s re-enactment of a 2 vs. 1 handicap street match that he had. Although a handicap match may be that Marlon fought two truly handicapped people.

He makes a sound effect as he shows a leg kick when he knocked a guy down and how the guy tumbled grasping his knee in pain.

MARLON: So he’s like ‘do that again dick!’ so I punch him in the face. Then the third guy comes out and I grab him by the back of the head and smack him in the face with a knee. Then the next guy comes and I run in with a left combo and I drop him.

NOAH: He says ‘I fought five guys at once’. I don’t care who you are you don’t fight five guys at once.

I have an announcement to make. Marlon Sims will forever be known as Benjamin ‘Coach’ Wade a.k.a. The Dragon Slayer. This title is crowned for the person who comes up with the craziest bats— stories in their respective reality show. Coach does it on Survivor while Marlon does it on TUF. I hope this guy sticks around. How does he have only two confessionals????????

– People outright call schenanigans. Gabe says that Marlon also drinks the blood of his victims and defeats thirty people at once with his eyes closed.

– Fight announcement. Dana is absent so Pulver will lead the meeting because he has the choice. Therefore production likely told them to not do anything out of the ordinary which for this group would be out of the ordinary. Pulver has the honour of telling everyone to look at the Burger King TUF standings. Pulver calls Melendez to step up. His attitude and weight is great. Melendez walks over to the Wang man.

WANG: Fortune cookies baby, be careful what you wish for.

– Andy is easygoing and is happy to fight. Melendez will defeat Wang. I have a feeling.

– Gabe informs us that Andy is not a good fighter. He corner’d Andy’s last fight prior to coming to the house and Andy apparently threw recklessly and wild. He told Andy to take him to the ground but Andy did not listen and traded with the guy to lose.

– Penn insists and questions if Andy will take him down at least two times. Andy accepts the deal and promises to listen to his coach.

– ‘Get to Know Andy’ time. He was born in Taiwan. Moved here. His father taught him Tai Chi in China. He is fighting to honour his family. Ah the Asian stereotype. Penn adds that Andy is a black belt in jiu jitsu. Therefore Andy should not consider to lead a boxing match.

– Weigh ins. Brandon weighs in a thong at 155 1/2 pounds. Andy Wang is 155. Somebody must not make weight if it is emphasized for once.

– Brandon eats a bunch of s— praying that he will be at 175 come the fight. He clenches his stomach in pain.

– Who is in the gym sweeping? It is former welterweight champion and previous TUF coach and cameo coach Matt Hughes. He is sweeping? Your career really goes downhill after you lose your belt. He is a member of Miletich Fighting System like Pulver. Pat Miletich coached quite the roster.

– Hughes comes to this gym on better terms than last season. He trash talks Penn as he yells at everyone. Hughes has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu? I didn’t know that. He is happy with this group that they’re all willing to train.

– Andy is sitting at home crying as he looks at a photograph of his family. He talks about his first martial arts teacher who happens to be his grandpa. He recently passed away.

– Brandon is squeaking a stuffed animal of his child. Malakai? Is that the kid’s name?

– Fight day. Andy only wants arrows in the chest and not arrows in the back. He ran away from too many things like prom. Brandon likes the guy but wishes to rattle his brain.

ANDY WANG LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA / 29 years old / 8-6
BRANDON MELENDEZ BOUNTIFUL, UTAH / 23 years old / 11-5

– Ah. It appears Brandon is from the most Mormonist city in the universe. Think he’s got the magic underwear under his trunks?

– We know the deal. Melendez so has this. Big Jon our refereee.

– They touch gloves. Andy gets a leg kick. Melendez reaches for a punch that misses. Andy fires a leg kick that is countered hardcore by Melendez with a punch on the chin. That is a solid land. Wang falls backwards but sits on his butt. Brandon clinches him to add on some extra punches. Punch-elbow-knee to chest is devastating. Andy is surprisingly steady. Melendez comes in to land two more punches. A legkick by Andy that is countered by Melendez with another punch. Wang falls into the trap again. Penn is yelling for takedown. Wang puts together a punch and headkick combo that largely misses. They trade on their feet. Melendez tacks on more punches as the pace slows considerably. Plenty of feints from both fighters. When Wang fires a headkick Melendez reaches in for punches that land. Andy lands a punch of his own for once. He is getting into the trades. Melendez lands a combo. Then Andy. Feints as they circle on their feet. Wang swings for the fences. None of it connects. A right hand by melendez. Andy has the ugliest shoot I have seen. Melendez throws him away. Melendez tries a combo but stops it after one punch. They resume circling. Punch by Melendez that misses. A couple slaps by Melendez. Wang is countering but fails. Wang says something and fight is stopped. Mouthpiece fell out. It’s put back in and fight resumes. Melendez is missing more frequently. Ugly punch by Melendez that spins him around. He tries a flying knee but that doesn’t connect. More combos by both fighters. No blood yet. Legkick and bodykick by Melendez. End of round one.

– Penn tells Wang he must promise to take him down. Start of round two. Vicious knee to the head by Melendez. He catches Wang with a few punches. Wang is dazed. Wang stumbles around as he swings for fences. Superman punch by Wang misses. Melendez lands a body punch and a headpunch. Failed uppercuts by Melendez. Elbow toss by Melendez misses. Bad cut under Wang’s eye. Wang shoots and has Melendez against the cage. Melendez throws a huge knee to Wang’s face and Melendez falls to the ground. He gets away before Wang can use his jiu jitsu and stands back up. More combos are thrown by Melendez and Wang. A couple body punches thrown by Melendez. Wang shoots and clinches Melendez against the fence. Lazy knee by Wang. Melendez breaks it up and misses an uppercut in the process. Centre of ring. Melendez is punching close to Wang’s groin but does not connect. Wang is missing his combos per usual. Melendez is too. HUGE punch lands by Melendez on the side of Wang’s head and simultaneously Wang lands a punch too. Wang lands another punch to the face. So does Melendez. Legkick by Melendez. Straight left by melendez that misses. Straight rights by Melendez misses. Gigantic uppercut by Wang misses. Melendez puts together a string of combos at the end of the round but none of them connect. End of round two. No way Melendez loses.

– Winner is Brandon Melendez. Recap time. Wang says after Melendez’s initial punch that it was like somebody taking his lunch money so the only way was to finish him. Did he forget there is a thing called ‘submission’? Isn’t that the ONLY FREAKIN WAY to finish a lightweight?

DANA: BJ is screaming, screaming from the corner to take him down. And the kid would not take him down. The kid would not f—ing listen to BJ and not take him down.

– Wang is SULKING in the corner after the fight. He is hysterical. Ruediger looks at a person on each side of him and finally shrugs his shoulders and goes to comfort Andy. Ruediger of all people.

BJ (imitates Andy’s crying): UHHHHHH UHHHHHH! (giggles) Are you kidding? C’mon man, how can you sit there and be sad in the ring? Doesn’t want to listen to no word anybody says. It’s unreal. He thought this was the bottom and he was gonna brawl and everybody would lift him up and chant his name and crown him the new Bruce Lee. Well no more chances. This is over. Everybody likes to win or nobody likes to lose it’s done. I don’t care how you did.

Next time on TUF: Noah angers Coach Tony. The next fight is flat out revealed. Gabe cuts weight. And Corey trains hard.

PENN

ALLEN BERUBE 0
ANDY WANG 11
GABE  RUEDIGER 5
GRAY  MAYNARD 0
JOE LAUZON 0
MATT WIMAN 0
ROB EMERSON 2
NOAH THOMAS 0

PULVER

BRANDON MELENDEZ 11
BRIAN  GERAGHTY 3
COLE MILLER 1
COREY HILL 0
NATE DIAZ 1
MANNY GAMBURYAN 1
MARLON SIMS 1
WAYNE WEEMS 2

Rank the Fights
—-

1) Rob Emerson vs. Nate Diaz (It sets the bar high for the remainder of the season. A perfect combo of striking, grappling, ground game, and submissions.)

2) Allen Berube vs. Cole Miller (The first fight of the season breaks the terrible chain of fights that were prevalent throughout the second half of TUF 4.)

3) Andy Wang vs. Brandon Melendez (I for one think Andy should have taken Brandon down. A fun and unnecessary stand-up fight for ten minutes is always fun to see though. And hearing Penn quit giving advice in frustration is rare for a TUF coach.)

4) Noah Thomas vs. Manny Gamburyan (Seeing Manny advance his position more and more in a matter of 2 1/2 minutes is a thing of beauty. He puts on a clinic for all up and coming lightweights on how to play the lightweight game.)

Episode five:

Previously on TUF: Noah was dominated by Manny. Jeremy Horn found a possible future superstar in DMX but somebody forgot to tell him he has already been popular for several years. Gabe’s weight problems annoyed his entire team including Penn. Corey wished to fight Gabe and barked at him that in Corey’s language means ‘Let’s get it on in the octagon’. Gabe meanwhile got epic Colonics and targeted Wayne Weems. It’s time to put up or shut up on the road to becoming the ultimate fighter.

– Fight recap. Melendez had started off the fight with a straight left. Manny was surprised a black belt jiu jitsu fighter would not go for a takedown. That’s why Pulver wins. They’re four wins away from the record.

– Allen was disgusted with Andy’s performance. It takes a loser to call someone else a loser. Penn calls their team the Bad News Bears. Noah has joked around too much with DeSouza. He comments on the seriousness and says Tony is missing a chromosome. DeSouza gives a confessional of his own and expresses Noah is not taking it seriously to be an ultimate fighter.

– Noah is yelling for Tony to stop during a grappling match. Tony dominates Noah as Noah could not escape. He mocks a choke on Noah and ends the grappling. Tony says that’s what he gets for talking s—. Noah then takes to screaming in a Shane Powers-like fashion and shouts ‘OKAY, I LOST TO SOMEBODY BETTER THAN ME. YOU MADE IT PERSONAL, DUDE’ and kicks one of the punching bags.

– Penn pulls over a couple of his guys to see if they are prepared to fight. Ruediger is walking around at 176 pounds. The Colonic did not work after all. The moral of the story kids is not so shove things up your a–.

– Ruediger wants to wake up tomorrow at 170. The next day we see ice cream cake. Ruediger takes a huge slice of cake. Wiman heads to confessional and tears into him for not being professional because of his bowls of cereal, cookies, and ice cream.

– Fight announcement. Pulver announces that Dana could not be here. So it’s time for all of them to crank their necks and look upwards to the heavens for our Burger King TUF Standings recap. Essentially it’s Penn has lost every time as Pulver has won every time. Maybe in TUF 25 we’ll have three teams of six coaches.

– Pulver does not say directly who will step forward. ‘It’s been a long time coming. I’ll let him step forward and let him pick his opponent’. Commercial. And we’re back. Corey steps forward and does a line of handshakes with his own team. He slaps the hand of Ruediger in a friendly manner. It’s Ruediger’s D-Day. Ruediger brings out a step stool so he can eye down Corey. Humourous.

– Ruediger and Penn discuss a game plan but DeSouza says the only thing he needs to worry about is making weight. What happened to DeSouza wanting him to train at all costs? Anyways they get into the van.

RUEDIGER: I’m going to deal out legkicks then I’ll give him some punches and knock him out.
MAYNARD: So what about when we get back to the house?
RUEDIGER: I’m going to eat a handful of spinach. Get it into my system. Nap. Then get down to 165.
MAYNARD: You can jump rope and grapple. . .

Ruediger has prepared them to lock him in that sauna if the have to.

– Ruediger writes a series of positive notes on the wall that he looks at as he warms up his arms. He claims there is always some sort of military in history. But there should also be a type that goes into a fight unarmed. He does not spell it out but I presume he is referring to MMA fighters.

– Corey has a wife, kids, and insists he’s normal. He says normal a few times. He has been wrestling since he was four or five. After college he had the option of getting a job like everyone else or try out for the UFC.  The latter was chosen obviously. He sneaks in a few more normals. The guy who is 6’4″ and 155 pounds.

– BJ searches for Gabe. They put him on the scale. 173 1/2 pounds with 18 hours to weigh in. Everyone else is training in the octagon while he puts on a hoodie and  heavy silver pants as he runs on the treadmill and bikes.

– 169 1/4 pounds with sixteen hours to go. Isn’t the saying that the last fourteen pounds to lose are the hardest? Although I presume the timeline is longer than sixteen hours.

– 163 1/2 pounds with a little over three hours to weigh in. He is walking on the treadmill but Penn is worried he is not running. Penn sets up a teepee of towels over his head in breaks. DeSouza comes in to make the teepee.

– Corey says cutting weight makes people grumpy. Everyone has to cut weight. It’s part of the job in UFC. We see him in the sauna.

– Ruediger weighs in at 162 pounds. A little over two hours. That’s what he gets for sitting in the sauna. Penn comes to the house for the first time and throws him into the sauna. They put tape around his arms to make him sweat more. DeSouza eats food in the house. Penn is inside the sauna with Ruediger. Penn sits in the sauna as Ruediger tries to exit but Penn’s strategy is to talk him into staying inside for seconds or minutes at a time. There is a bike in the sauna. He rides for two minutes before he gives up. Penn amazingly sits in the sauna the whole time. Penn never cuts weight so him sitting in the sauna for this long must be a record. Gray holds the door shut saying he will do it for ten minutes.
GABE: How far into ten minutes am I?
GRAY: Two.
GABE: Two?!!! *moan*

He sounds like a kid on a road trip where the parents tell him that they only left their uncle’s five minutes ago.

– Much like Southworth Gabe has turned into a new human being. He keeps insisting to check his weight. Gray and Penn team up to drag Gabe into the sauna. He slumps to the ground and kicks and hollers like a kid going to the dentist for the first time. They let him collapse a couple times before giving up. Gabe proceeds to take the energy to rip up his garbage bag clothes and strips down to his speedo before checking his weight. It’s 159.4. Over three pounds to go. Gabe claims that he’s done. He jumps into the swimming pool. Gray drags him out of the pool onto the pavement like Anakin Skywalker removed from the lava.

PENN: I’ve never seen something like that before. A naked guy laying on the pavement. I wondered if this was jacka– or Ultimate Fighter.

– They wrap a towel around him. 56 minutes to go. Gray and Penn tape the black garbage bags around him. He puts on the red hoodie. Gray is inside coaching Gabe as he rides the bike. Slowly. Very slowly. Gray is sweating more than Gabe is. Eventually Gabe falls off the bike and out the door. Gray sighs and drags him like Koscheck dragged Southworth out beside the billiards table. You can hear the squealing of his sweat against the ground.

– Training session. Corey weighed in at 155 1/2 pounds. He comments how it is a beautiful day. Pulver busts into the gym saying they have to go back to the house. Jens couldn’t get information from producers (supposedly) but they must all go back to the house. Grab their gear and go. Apparently this is not even weigh-ins. Everyone is rushed out of the gym. Corey yells everyone to kiss his black a– because of how much time he put into cutting weight.

– We are shown Gabe on the ground in a deathbed voice saying ‘P, put me back in. Put me back in.’ but Penn is replying that Penn must stand on his own two feet. ‘I can still do it. I can still do it. Just put me back in.’

– Ruediger is shedding tears. How much weight can you cut by crying on the floor for half an hour straight? Commercial time.

– We resume with Pulver’s van seeing an ambulance ahead of them going into the direction of the house. Manny thinks it concerns Gabe. They are told he passed out and medics are giving him an IV.

BRIAN: Gabe I got the perfect show for you–Celebrity Fit Club.

Some people are saying that Gabe could have someone suck on his breast milk to lose that last bit of weight. Oh my. These fighters are too much sometimes.

– Brian believes that Gabe could have made weight but chickened out because he would be fighting Corey instead of Weems. Gabe quit because he couldn’t get his way.

– The two teams are chatting together with an unusual level of friendliness towards one another. The mutual annoyance with Gabe unites them. I s’pose both teams hate you if you do not make weight. Especially if you are the biggest name in the house like Ruediger. Nate references how Southworth had to drop 18 and made weight. Although Bobby was a higher weight class and had a much lower percentage to lose. Noah chimes in that over 500 guys had f—ing killed to be here and tried out. That’s a lot of potential lightweight contenders.

– Corey says that the rules state that either one of the losing four is brought back to compete and has to cut weight all over again or he gets a bye to the next round. I personally believe Corey should get the bye because he technically won the fight via default.

– Ruediger strolls into the house. He has an IV bandage. Gabe was in the hospital for two hours so I’d say he wussed out. If you were truly cutting weight you’d be in there for a whole freakin day. Nobody greets him when he enters. He searches for Gray.
GRAY: Be careful, bro. Everyone’s f—ing pissed.

– Gabe strolls in to the basement. Everyone does not really acknowledge him. They look out into the distance. It’s a massage day.

BRIAN: You skipped practices to get Colonics! That’s it. I’m done (Exits confessional.)

– Gabe receives a huge amount of backlash. Much more than he was expecting. I would not be surprised if Gabe is kicked out of the house by Dana. He takes Corey aside. He said apologizes to him more than anyone else. Corey brushes it off and says it is fine.

COREY: He let himself down but more importantly he let himself down. That’s gonna be more hurtful than anything.

And that is how Corey likely became a fan favourite. Rob says he was even cutting weight today. He spits a rant and doesn’t want Gabe anywhere near them. Gabe is eating alone on the couch as the rest of his team eats together. One of the saddest visuals I have seen.

– What was supposed to be fight day. Gabe stands alone in the gym. We fast forward to Penn greeting him warmly on the bench. There will be a meeting at noon. Penn’s team will be 0-5 if Gabe is eliminated. It’s up to ‘Whatever Random S— Dana & Production Pulls’. Penn leans back and lets Gabe ramble. BJ’s only response to all comments is ‘what’s done is done’.

– Gabe sits on the treadmill. Pulver believes Gabe got his TV time and should go home and get his sponsourship.

– Dana calls everyone for the meeting. Commercial. Okay. Decision time. Ten seconds of Dana standing silently. Awkwardest thing ever in the show.

DANA (very controlled soft tone): Nothing pisses me off more than guys not making weight.

You hear that Travis Lutter? Dana would rescind your 100k contract and 100k Xyience deal if he could! How dare you spit in the face of Anderson Silva!

DANA: You know how many people wanted to be here? People who knew they wanted to f—ing fight? Knew exactly what they f—ing wanted? Making money? Traveling around? Trained by Liddell? Trained by Pulver? Trained by Penn? You shouldn’t be here if you can’t make 155 pounds. . . . . .Bro, you f—ing blew it. Blew it. You’re not staying in the house. You can leave.

Yep. Dana doesn’t put up with s— anymore. Gabe is crying in his confessional which transitions into this:

DANA: He couldn’t make f—ing weight. That’s f—ing pathetic. No free passes. I’m bringing Emerson back.

– DANA: Team Penn, as a team you should’ve been on his fat a– two weeks ago making sure he made weight. So you’re getting penalized. Team Pulver picks the next two fights. You guys have 24 hours to pick the new fight.

– Everyone is in the vans. Penn has the Core Four. They pow wow in the van. A new sun rises the next day. Fight announcement. Melendez has the title belt.  Geraghty is called out to fight Weems. Wait they’re on the same team? Kidding. Geraghty challenges Lauzon. The other fight will be Corey versus Emerson. Weigh ins are the next day.

Next time on TUF: Two fights in one episode. Will Lauzon be the first Penn member to win? And in the fight that will decide who gets control will be Corey versus Emerson.

PENN

ALLEN BERUBE 0
ANDY WANG 0
GABE  RUEDIGER 13
GRAY  MAYNARD 14
JOE LAUZON 5
MATT WIMAN 2
ROB EMERSON 4
NOAH THOMAS 2

PULVER

BRANDON MELENDEZ 0
BRIAN  GERAGHTY 4
COLE MILLER 0
COREY HILL 11
NATE DIAZ 0
MANNY GAMBURYAN 1
MARLON SIMS 0
WAYNE WEEMS 0

Episode six

Previously on TUF: Corey picked Gabe to fight but Gabe failed to make weight and was thrown out of the competition. Rob Emerson gets a second chance. Two fights will occur this episode.

– We start the episode by looking at the Burger King TUF standings. At least the band-aid is ripped off early. The fight picks are completely re-shown. I’ll be surprised if Emerson can win considering the quick turnaround.

– Penn believes Lauzon is creepy or psycho. We are treated to a montage of Lauzon giving weird looks. Lauzon acknowledges he is qualified to have a computer job and would make good money but would rather fight because it is fun. Sounds like an updated version of another scholarly UFC Canucker named Carlos Newton. We are shown Lauzon’s fight with Pulver that I have referenced before. We are shown highlights of the fight and how Lauzon knocked out Pulver. Out cold.

– Training session. Pulver tells Brian to forget that Lauzon has knocked out the coach. Forget the fight ever happened. Reinforcement tends to have the opposite effect though.

– Fight day. Joe’s fight day ritual is to relax on the couch and not think about the fight until he gets into the octagon.

JOE LAUZON E. BRIDGEWATER, MASSACHUSETTS / 22 years old / 13-3
BRIAN GERAGHTY KENOSHA, WISCONSIN / 26 years old / 24-9-2

– Usual spiel from Dana. KO or submission earns 5k. Mustache Mazzagatti is our referee.

– Touch gloves They throw punches and clinch. Lauzon has incredible strength as he crashes Brian into the ground. Geraghty is scrunched against the fence. Full guard as Lauzon works to land strikes. Brian is trying to push out of the fence but Lauzon is elbowing like a mad man. Joe misses a huge punch as Brian rolls out to escape. Joe chases him like his prey and takes his back with little resistance. He works for guillotine position as Brian lands to the ground. That arm is deep as Brian’s tongue is sticking out. He leans back and Brian taps. 3:48. End of fight. Four finishes in five fights. WOO! Everyone recaps the fight. Joe admits the slam was more of a slam of his own head than it did to slam any part of Brian. BJ says that Brian was out for a split second from one of the elbows. Dana could not determine if Lauzon had one hook or zero hooks in to rear naked choke Brian which is unbelievable.

– Brian is humble. He does the confessional with his head down the whole time. He says Dana should not invite him back. It is the worst performance in his life.

– Penn is ecstatic to have the team’s first victory but they do not get control. However they do not acknowledge it because they are so dang excited to win one.

– Rob is training hard. He takes it on two days o’ dang notice. I will be amazed if he defeats Corey.

– Pulver and Corey walk down the street together. Corey comes clean. He is not 4-0. He is 2-0. One was in a ring and one was in a cage. He said he lied to Dana about his record during casting and said it was 8-0. At least he can be true to himself during the fight.

– Corey is cutting weight as he sits in the sauna and works out. He even does a running backflip off one of the pads in the octagon. That guy’s got skill.

– Weigh ins. Corey makes it in at 155. Emerson comes in a thong at 155. He gets the Amanda Kimmel blur.

– Okaaay. One of the most random scenery shots is a dog in a car lot jumping up to the fence before falling back down and barking. ‘Tis a bulldog.

– Fight day. The guy taping him up asks how many pro fights Corey has. Corey lies and says four.

– Emerson and Mazzagatti fist bump in the octagon. wtf.

– Decision in favour of Corey is my prediction.

ROB EMERSON IRVINE, CALIFORNIA / 25 years old / 0-0
COREY HILL SPRING HILL, FLORIDA / 28 years old / 8-6

– Corey and Rob touch gloves. Corey is crouching and spinning trying to feel Rob out. He comes in to sprawl with Rob and toss punches but Rob defends and they break. A couple punches by Corey that don’t land. Rob is taking his time. Corey feints. Rob lands a punch near the neck. After a few seconds Rob sneaks in a great punch on Corey’s chin. Corey misses with a wild kick then a wild punch. Rob runs in like a child with a huge combination that lightly connects. Corey is able to hold Rob’s head whenever Rob goes for a combination. Superman punch by Rob misses. Corey punches Rob’s elbows. Rob lands a combo. They clinch and sprawl. Corey tosses him away. Corey throws a kick that turns into a knee to Rob’s face but it did not hit smoothly. Feints by Corey. Rob comes in with a combo where the punches are straight up. Corey retaliates somewhat with punches. Emerson fires a legkick. Huge punch for Corey but Emerson counters with skyward punches. Rob really flies at Corey during combos and Corey flies back. Corey is doing an excellent job of holding Rob’s head during exchanges. Corey catches Rob’s leg and uses that time to use his right hand to punch. Corey is doing well. They trade punches. Corey bullrushes Rob with insanity as there are several punches and kicks in the final seconds. End of round one. Wow. Do none of these fighters like the ground game?

– They touch gloves. They spin in a circle for a full minute with nothing but feints or punches that are very half-hearted. Big legkick by Rob that connects only with air. Straight lefts by Corey that are poor form. Rob comes in with some legkicks. Corey is stumbliing. Corey is exhausted. Corey is running towards Rob in an ugly manner where he catches punches before they clinch. They clinch until Corey knees to break the clinch as Rob’s against the fence. Players on ringside channel Koscheck and say ‘He’s tired!’ They exchange more punches. Uppercuts. Upkick by Corey that misses. Rob attacks with some punches but it largely misses Corey. Corey grabs Rob’s head and lands some punches. Rob uses the clinch to punch Corey’s body. Corey looks mad and breaks it up so he can fire punches of his own. They drift to centre of ring. Corey punches Rob’s face but it did not connect fully. Rush by Rob but he looks like an idiot missing. HUGE uppercut by Corey. Corey deals some more punches. They circle for ten seconds. Corey issues a small fist tap on the noggin. Rob ducks and simultaneously deals a punch. Corey and Rob are defending. Rob issues a spinning legkick that misses. Counters by Corey. They clinch then break it. Smattering legkick for Rob. Spinning legkick again but misses. Superman punch that misses for Rob. Corey then grabs his head, punches, and CHARGES Rob into the ground. Corey is in Rob’s full guard. They spin on the ground until Rob nearly has a heel hook. Corey defends it though. Will it go to sudden victory?

– Dana is in middle of ring. Rob and Corey prepare for a third round. It is indeed a third round. They touch gloves for a third time. Corey bends over in exhaustion. Corey deals one lone punch in thirty seconds. Rob has not changes his tance except to rub his nose. Corey comes in to punch Rob’s head a few times before they break. One minute. Rob is cricling. Leg kick by Corey. Few punches land on Rob. Punch in favour of Corey. Rob’s only concern is to block. Corey misses an uppercut. Missed spinning legkick yet again for Rob. Quick exchange initiated by Corey. They circle around each other. Corey grabs Rob’s head and Rob uses it to punch Corey’s head. They split. Rob lands a legkick. Another exchange where Rob connects. Soft tap by Corey. Missed straight for Rob. Two minutes remain. BIG punch landed by Corey. Few taps. Rob is telegraphing his right hand like a Punchout!! computer opponent. Rob falls to Corey’s knees but Corey reaches down to punch his head a few times before Rob peels away. Straight left by Rob. Kick by Corey. One minute. They rush each other for a couple exchanges. Rob lands a superman punch. Corey lightly punches. Massive legkick by Rob again. Rob misses an overhand. Rob warms up his legkick but buzzer goes in the midst of the delivery.

– Fight recap time. Everyone agrees it was back and forth. I think Rob lost. Penn and Rob agree Corey won. However Dana thinks Emerson won the fight.

– Judges score the fight in favour of Corey. My predictions are much much much better this season. Corey admits that it was his first professional MMA fight. He brags about it being his first fight. He went the full fifteen minutes. Rob is unhappy with the judges’ decision. Dana thinks Rob fighting not to lose was his mistake.

Next time on TUF: Penn questions someone giving 100 and kicks someone off the team. Marlon, Wayne, Matt, and Gray have yet to fight. All will fight in the next episode. Wait a minute. That means either a later episode has no fights or there is an additional fight for “no reason”. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Rank the Fights
—-

1) Joe Lauzon vs. Brian Geraghty (Lauzon is a monster. No wonder they put him as the first fight as opposed to the second fight where control of the following fight would be up for grabs. Brian was meant to be the sacrificial lamb.)

2) Rob Emerson vs. Nate Diaz (It sets the bar high for the remainder of the season. A perfect combo of striking, grappling, ground game, and submissions.)

3) Allen Berube vs. Cole Miller (The first fight of the season breaks the terrible chain of fights that were prevalent throughout the second half of TUF 4.)

4) Rob Emerson vs. Corey Hill (It’s entertaining to see two people fight who have an eight inch height disparity. Stand-up wars are fun even if these two did not do an exceptional job of one. The first sudden victory fight of the season had a reasonable pace. Those legkicks on Corey make the fight memorable. They echoed on the tape.)

5) Andy Wang vs. Brandon Melendez (I for one think Andy should have taken Brandon down. A fun and unnecessary stand-up fight for ten minutes is always fun to see though. And hearing Penn quit giving advice in frustration is rare for a TUF coach.)

6) Noah Thomas vs. Manny Gamburyan (Seeing Manny advance his position more and more in a matter of 2 1/2 minutes is a thing of beauty. He puts on a clinic for all up and coming lightweights on how to play the lightweight game.)

PENN

ALLEN BERUBE 0
ANDY WANG 0
GRAY  MAYNARD 0
JOE LAUZON 7
MATT WIMAN 0
ROB EMERSON 7
NOAH THOMAS 0

PULVER

BRANDON MELENDEZ 0
BRIAN  GERAGHTY 5
COLE MILLER 0
COREY HILL 7
NATE DIAZ 0
MANNY GAMBURYAN 0
MARLON SIMS 0
WAYNE WEEMS 0

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