TUF 5 episodes 1 + 2 + 3 ranking

The Ultimate Fighter (season 5)

First episode

– Jens Pulver. BJ Penn. Two legends in the UFC lightweight division. Well that isn’t true because Jens barely fought in UFC and was defeated by Joe Lauzon. BJ Penn only has a handful of fights granted they are title fights. Anyway they will be coaches for the sixteen lightweights that will enter the house. The shocker is that these two will battle in the season finale. These two will be the first two coaches to do so. None of this one week break crap. We are told Jens Pulver defeated BJ in their first fight.

– Ultimate Fighter House. One guy says it’s the new house. Yet it still has the usual pool table. We are introduced to Corey. 6’4” and a lightweight.

– Next is Allen. He runs a seafood restaurant. Gabe intends to mess with everyone’s minds. Dana believes the lightweights are all crazy motherf—ers and would never live with them. He thinks they have big chips on their shoulders and have Little Man Complex. He says the coaches are crazy too.

– We are introduced to BJ. He beat a who’s who of lightweights in 2001 and 2002  before the lightweight division was removed. Poor Yves Edwards. Okay BJ Penn is a legend. I just wish he would not give up in fights where he is losing.

– We are shown highlights of the fight between BJ Penn and Jens Pulver. Jens beat Penn. Jens also lost to Joe Lauzon who is one of the contestants. Therefore neither are legends if they lost to a guy who was from the Bloodhound Gang.

– BJ and Jens trash talk each other in confessionals. BJ thinks Jens will retire after he defeats them. Jens believes he can beat a guy who has never touched a lightweight title. Dana enters the gym and approaches these two. He informs them the new goal of rebuilding the lightweight division. Like the division was deep in 2002 before it was shutdown.

– The sixteen fighters enter the gym. They train and sparr as Jens looks on. Nate is mentioned as being explosive and his brother Nick originally started with Jens. Corey is explosive too. I bet one of these two will fight in the premiere. Joe was the one who praised Nate and Cole was the one who praised Corey. Perhaps Corey is first out?

– BJ enters. BJ believes all sixteen fighters were tired and not into it. He thinks Jens made them exhausted so he could not evaluate them. He stops the exercises short because they are clearly drained. One of the assistant coaches in Penn’s camp has a wicked beard.

– Gym scene is done. We’re in the van. Everyone wants Penn to pick them. Allen specifically mentions that nobody will recall Jens in ten years, but BJ will be remembered thirty years from now.

– Gym again. Time for selections. Dana brings out the almighty coin. The yellow side says Pulver and the blue side says Penn. The side showing face up on the gym mat gets power. The coin shows yellow. New dilemma for this season.

1) Be the first to pick a fighter
OR
2) Pick second and instead choose who is in the first match-up. I would choose this option. Jens agrees and lets BJ pick first. Gabe or Nate would be my choice.

BJ: If you want to give me 100% and want nothing to do with Team Pulver, raise your hand.

:O
Nobody has had the guts to say “raise your hand if you want to give the ol’ middle finger to Jens Little Evil Pulver”. You’re essentially choosing your path for the next several years in the MMA universe. Talk about creating an ‘Us’ vs. ‘Them’ mentality. Whose hands raise?

Ten out of sixteen hands are raised. Holy crap. Dana intervenes and says you get one pick. But Pulver jumps in and says whoever raised their hand can go to the right. He’ll pick two of the ten and that right there will make it eight versus eight.

DANA: What the f— is going on here? It’s anarchy! You get one pick. One pick.
So we get a drawn out schoolyard pick even though the sixteen fighters plus the two coaches know what the outcome will be.

We see a re-enactment of Dr. Evil’s ‘Zip It’ from Austin Powers as Jens insists the ten to keep their hands up and says he will only pick from the six. BJ keeps asking Dana White to do it his and Jens’ way but Dana does ‘cut it’ and ‘cut it’ a couple more times until BJ gives up.
BJ: Gray.
JENS: Hill. (Corey)

BJ: Now the nine guys keep your hands in the air.
JENS: Their hands will have to stay raised as you pick them one and one.
DANA: Shut the f— up. Shut the f— up.
JENS: Raise your hands. Bring em up.
BJ: Wyman. (Who?
JENS: Diaz. (Nate.)
Rest of the pick em is edited out. Wait, whuh? That’s a first.

Oh it’s because it is time for the Burger King TUF Standings. Dana takes to a voiceover as we are shown a slideshow of photographs along with the player name being thrown onto the screen like it is the NBA starting line-up.

Penn’s team: Gray Maynard, Matt Wiman (from WEC), Gabe Ruediger (from WEC), Joe Lauzon (defeated Jens Pulver),

– Is Brandon the brother of Gilbert Melendez? Who knows. We fast forward to the van ride back to the house. Somebody is drunk. Corey is ready to bust people on the opposite team. He starts imitating a pitbull as he bites wildly in the air. Somebody hops on Corey’s shoulders. Everyone on opposing teams are sons of b—es and mothaf—ers. Perhaps Corey is thrown out of the house. He shouts in the face of somebody’s face.

SOMEBODY: He puts on a gold shirt and turns into DMX.

COREY: I feel like we have a beef and I don’t know if I like you.
GABE: What are you talking about????????
COREY: *cues barking*
GABE: *waves him off* On your way.

Gabe goes into a room by himself.
Gabe has two words for Corey in his confessional–BARK BARK. The camera fades to the exterior of the house as editors play Corey’s barking audio.

– Everyone complains about early morning practice. Andy Wang does not go home until 6am. Instead they are in the van at six. Him and the rest of the team commence training with Penn. A bunch of them have very long shorts. No doubt inspired by BJ Penn. Rudy Valentino is kickboxing coach, DeSouza is a wrestling coach, and Ragan Penn (yes, BJ’s brother) is a jiu jitsu coach.

– Gabe claims that whoever is on BJ’s team wanted to be there and those on Pulver’s team also wanted to be on BJ’s team. Likely because Penn didn’t lose to Joe effin Lauzon.

– Gabe weighs in at 175 pounds. He ate chicken and greens. Penn hopes Gabe doesn’t get picked because cutting twenty pounds in a couple days is a Bobby Southworth nightmare.

– Pulver time. He’s going to guide and push them. It won’t be the Pulver Hour where he commands them every step of the way but he will keep their a– in line. Matt Pena is the boxing coach who is from Miletich Fighting System, Kikuchi is a coach because he’s good and knows what to do on the ground, and Kirk White because Pulver needs a wrestling coach. We see people praise Pulver who is deemed to be likeable. Really? Little Evil is likeable? He must be limiting the trash talk as a coach. They gather in a circle to discuss who will fight.

– DMX and Diaz both wish to fight. And both want to fight Gabe. Which of course means Gabe won’t fight at this point. Cole jumps in to say he wants to fight first but is pretty sure it’ll be Corey because Pulver likes Corey the most and Corey wants to fight.

Prediction: Cole vs. Gabe? (Although I am doubtful Gabe fights.)

– Training time for Penn. Good ol Ruediger is now 22 pounds overweight. On Fight Day? Wow. Penn yells at him in practice that he just wants to be on a TV show as a way to motivate him. We are told Ruediger was TWENTY-SEVEN pounds overweight when he came in the house. BJ, known for not believing to cut weight, is certain this will be the end of Gabe.

– Aras Baskauksas calls the whambulance because Gabe is crying outside in the parking lot. Rudy Valentino is hugging Gabe and rubbing his body telling him it will be fine. Hey, he’s Latin American. They’re much more affectionate. He didn’t even kiss him on both sides of his cheeks.

– Rob thinks Gabe is a ‘f—ing chick’ for crying about his weight in the van. Penn has to ask if it was because of the names he called him. Some of the fighters tease Gabe. Gabe has enough and leaves the van. We hear Gabe weighed in at 177. Holy crap. Return to the WEC, Ruediger because you ain’t cutting 27 pounds in less than two days. What did Southworth cut? Eighteen?

– Sure enough Pulver is seen urinating outside in front of the gym as he stresses over the situation. Geez.

– We’re in the gym. Time to pick the fight. Dana says you need to win three fights to get to the season. Oh right. I forgot casual audiences are mentally challenged when it comes to catching onto formats. And because this show is on Spike, the situation is only worse. 16-8-4-2 Yep, you need to win three fights. It is much more exciting when one person can fight anybody on the opposing team at any time.

– Pulver calls out Cole to fight. Cole heads over to Allen Berube. There were zero cues for anybody besides Gabe to fight so I had no idea it would be Allen. Good on my read for seeing it is Cole.

– Cole has wanted to be in the UFC for ten years. He is targeting those who are not taking it seriously. Yet Gabe is on the sidelines at 177 pounds.

– BJ knows Cole is a prospect. Allen says his record in MMA is 2-1. He wrestled in high school and fought in MMA as a way to advertise his business. Perhaps being on cable TV is a way to advertise his seafood restaurant. He

– Fight day. Penn’s team has lathered blue paint on their face and body. Cole wishes to fight first so he can make an impression on viewers that lightweights can fight.

– Promo time. Allen refers to himself as the Crustacean Sensation. What is he? The guy from Forrest Gump? Is he going to tell me all the meals you can make with shrimp? Shrimp gumbo. . .

ALLEN BERUBE TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA / 32 years old / 2-1
COLE MILLER COCONUT CREEK, FLORIDA / 22 years old /11-2

Nothing like some Floridian on Floridian action.
COLE: Allen–do yourself this favour. Ask BJ to throw in the towel when the clock hits one second into the fight.

Cole, do yourself a favour. Shut the f— up about your ego when the clock hits one second into the fight.

– Straight up booty shot of the ring girl which means a new season of TUF is officially underway!

– Allen is five inches taller than Cole. This fight is 2 5-minute rounds. If it’s a draw we go to sudden victory.

– Big John our referee. He has a fashionable goatee.

– Cole starts with a body kick. Then a head kick. Allen rushes in with some feints. They size each other up. Allen is too exposed. Allen lands a punch on the chin. Another punch by Allen. They size each other up some more. They exchange. Allen is getting the better of the exchanges. Allen comes in to clinch but Cole wraps his arm around Allen’s neck as they go to the ground. BJ tells him to watch for the guillotine. Allen pulls his head out. He rolls into Cole’s full guard. Cole has his feet against the fence. Allen nearly does a strange somersault. Cole attempts to pull Allen’s left arm. He leans back again and takes an arm hoping to stretch it but Allen will have nothing of it. Allen is striking in the guard. Suddenly Cole has a triangle on Allen and has his left arm trapped. Allen’s face is turning a deep red. He taps for a split second then stops. Repeat. Then Allen taps for several seconds. End of fight. Cole wins. 2:27. Great opening fight.

– Fight recap. Not much to recap for two minutes. Pulver comments it was a good technical fight. So did Penn. As opposed to the fighters doing the recaps like last season we have the two coaches.

– Cole’s arm is raised. He said how he was not cocky and only said what needed to be said. Nothing more. Nothing less. He sprints out of the octagon keeps running like Charlie Bucket with a golden ticket all the way into the change rooms.

– ALLEN: You don’t really lose when you get submitted. I got caught with an arm hanging.

You don’t consider it a loss when an arm is hanging?! You’re in the lightweight division. It’s the only way you CAN lose. If a lightweight does not count a submission as a loss then he’d be undefeated. Go back to your seafood restaurant.

ALLEN: I don’t feel beaten. The only thing that’s beaten in my heart.

Incorrect tense.

Next time on TUF: Scribbles, betrayals, threats, and an actual fight. These lightweights are crazy motherf—ers, as Dana would say.

PENN

ALLEN BERUBE 8
ANDY WANG 1
GABE  RUEDIGER 10
GRAY  MAYNARD 1
JOE LAUZON 1
MATT WIMAN 0
ROB EMERSON 1
NOAH THOMAS 0

PULVER

BRANDON MELENDEZ 0
BRIAN  GERAGHTY 2
COLE MILLER 12
COREY HILL 5
NATE DIAZ 3
MANNY GAMBURYAN 0
MARLON SIMS 0
WAYNE WEEMS 0

Ten people got a confessional. Oddly enough it is the same number as those who raised their hand to be on BJ’s team. Glad the shrimp guy is out provided he is not brought back because of injuries. In fact I would be surprised if he was not brought back.

Episode two

– Even Survivor changes the intro music for each season. Five seasons of the same TUF intro grows tiresome. A lot of these fighters have monkey ears. Do most wrestlers get the monkey ears? Nothing like putting cauliflowers into those monkey ears.

– Fight recap. Miller cried at the end. He had his game face on. We are treated to BJ’s yells of ‘watch the guillotine! Watch the guillotine!’. Virtually everyone on Penn comments on a fight that their team lost while Pulver’s team says nothing except Melendez.

– Cole said he had a ten year plan before getting into the UFC. He cannot believe it has only been 3 ½ years. Gamburyan made a belt for Miller to wear the belt. They will rotate it between whoever wins on their team. That’s one of the most interesting fun and little things that a team has done on TUF.

– Allen calls a team meeting a couple hours after his loss. He said he is ready to replace anyone who gets injured and will continue to train with the team. So the trend continues. Wiman hopes Allen can keep his motivation up and not drag the team with his relaxed nature. All while we see Allen drink a beer. Hey, it’s his first loss. Let him drink the pain.

– Massage day. Gabe trash talks fellow WEC mate Matt Wiman about how he’ll beat him up. Wiman is upset because Gabe at 22 pounds over is making their team look bad. Uh oh. Here we go. He takes Gabe aside how it makes their team look stupid in front of Pulver’s. Gabe says Wiman is the only one making the team look stupid. If both of them get to quarters they’ll fight.

– Fight announcement? Ten minute fight I would guess. Penn grabbed Rob Emerson and took him into his office. They devise a plan so that Pulver caves and matches up Corey Hill with Rob Emerson. Penn hands Emerson a script and instructs him to memorize it then crash Pulver’s circle by uttering the script.

SCRIPT: Corey, pick me you f—er, you f—ing coward.

How poetic.

– Dana gathers everyone up in front of the TV. Everyone supposedly turns their heads to the Burger King TUF standing screen. Cole is in the quarterfinal and Allen is out. That segment is so out of place. Dana asks Pulver to make his pick. Pulver steps up but so does Rob Emerson.

ROB: You better bark cause you better take me out. Nobody should bark or holler without backing it up.
COREY: I will baby, I will.
ROB: All that bark show me the bite. Show me the bite.
COREY: I love that s—.
ROB: C’mon baby.
MANNY: Let’s do it.
Pulver yawns and rubs his hands together.
PULVER: There’s still a game being played. It’s Manny versus Noah.

MANNY: I’m gonna show Noah that he is the f—ing weakest link f—ing here.

Anne Robinson wouldn’t use quite that language but we get the point.

DANA: Good day you crazy motherf—ers.

– Training Sesh. Noah is a self-proclaimed underdog and grew up as a Marine Corp. He wants to hurt you and break you. All bark and no bite?

– Manny is sleeping on a bench. One of the guys drips water from the UFC water bottle on him. He twitches. Suddenly they see two females on horseback in the road behind the backyard. They learn Jeremy Jackson’s lesson and tells them to come around to the front.

– Then disaster strikes. A horse is on the ground. We are told it tripped on glass or ice (I’d assume the former because Nevada does not have ice) and everybody in the house comes out to assist with the fallen horse. A cowboy with the females specifically asked the guys to leave the house. Emerson didn’t want to go near the horse because he is afraid to be kicked by a horse. Unusual few minutes.

– But more unusual crap occurs. That night Wiman and Gabe get into an argument in the van. They are ready to fight the same night. Could it be the first voluntary trade in TUF history? Joe brings it to BJ’s attention.

– BJ and MATT: They were doing this and that this and that this and that this and that.

BJ: Sit down.
GABE: I don’t sit down for Matt Wiman.

Gabe says if BJ takes Matt’s side then he’ll leave the team. BJ gathers the whole unit.
MATT: Once this airs on TV I don’t want nothing to do with you. This ain’t no stunt to get extra TV time. This is not supposed to be a cool feud that the cameras zoom in when you say something behind my back. You need to worry about your weight not about saying something mouthy every time somebody says something.

– Gabe half-heartedly shakes hands. Matt and Gabe will fight later on but just not now.

– Manny is from Armenia. TAR 5 had Charla & Mirna as Armenians. I s’pose it’s only TUF 5 has an Armenian too. It is revealed Manny is Karo Parisyan’s cousin. We see him training with medicine balls and difficult push-ups where you wrap your legs around someone’s body and pull up. He claims he  hurt his shoulder really bad in Judo. Great. He already has an excuse set up in place.

– NOAH: Marine Corp makes you more tenacious than the average bloke.

Bloke? Bloke?! Are you Bisping or Ross Pointin?

– Weigh ins. Noah is eating a sandwich with a ton of bacon on the scale. He is taking several bites while the doctor says he weighs in at 155. Forty fights in 2 ½ years. It is the same amount of time that Manny has been off injury.

– It is a reset day where Penn told everyone not come to the gym. Rob is drinking a bottle of wine. They find a shield hanging on the wall. Collectively Penn’s team takes turns holding it or leaning it against a post as  others throw spears and other objects at it as if they are gladiators. This is what happens when fighters have days off. It is why they need to be in the UFC. Initially they do a test run as Gabe throws a big ball and Rob holds the shield. The ball misses the shield and instead hits Rob in the America’s Funniest Home Videos area. The shield game is over. They opt to write ‘support the troops’ in felt marker on a white wall and name all of the groups they are supporting. Rob  writes ‘suck it team pulver’ because he was bored.

– Pulver Team comes home from practice.
COREY: We saw nothing specific on the walls then we saw some choice words regarding our team.

No cursing or barking from Corey in a confessional? That’s a first. Nate takes it offensive because he is Team Pulver. He confronts a few people on Penn’s team and wants to fight right away. He tosses his hate and takes off his jersey and undershirt ready to trade hands. A couple of his teammates had to hold him back. Rob regrets doing it. He says things need to be civil. Gabe gets in Brandon’s face which increases the tension. Rob insists he worked alone but nobody on Pulver’s team believes it. Manny gets into it and swears at everybody and is ready to pop the mothaf—er who did it. Rob’s name is thrown out there and quietly talks about it with Rob.

– Rob crosses out the words and writes ‘sorry guys — love ya =)’ in its place. Ah. Much better. Manny’s tirade continues as he says he is ready to pack up and leave because he didn’t come here for the trash talk. ‘F— this bulls—’. Somebody from Penn’s camp tells him he should stay and save it all for the cage.

MANNY: No! Call Penn and Pulver. I’m ready to leave.
WIMAN: It’s a sad day for humans.

– Manny is STILL yelling. All because Rob was bored and wrote something on the wall. Manny’s tirade must have gone on for over an hour. I doubt we have time for a fight. His energy must be zapped from yelling, pumping his fists, and running around inside the house and outside the house. He isready to fight. Now he’s sitting on the cage shouting and on the verge of tears. The writing may literally be on the walls. Corey catches onto what I was thinking and says Manny should never give in to Penn’s mind games. Manny is staying after all.

– Fight day. The garbage is toppling over. We see the scribbles from the previous day. Brandon believes he is exhausted from last night. Gabe tells Noah to ‘kill this kid’. Manny says he is a nightmare. I hate to break it to you but that nickname is already taken.

– Rob mocks Manny’s singing and chanting as he plays with Gabe.
GABE: It sounds like a dog getting raped while it’s hungry.

How would you know, Gabe? Are you Michael Vick? Personally I think it’s more like 1930s Popeye. My prediction is that Noah will be eliminated by submission. I’m ready to see Judo in action.

MANNY: I’m gonna hurt him so next day he’s going to pee blood.

Oh, what a tough guy. He’s gonna make Noah pee for his mistakes. I mean pay. The Armenian accent gets in the way. As Ben Stiller says in Dodgeball, nobody makes me pee my own blood.

– NOAH THOMAS FORT COLLINS, COLORADO / 25 years old / 10-4
MANNY GAMBURYAN NORTH HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA / 25 years old / 10-4

– A not-so-clean shaven Dana is in the octagon to tell us it’s 2 5-minute rounds. Mazzagatti’s mustache is in the octagon to tell us he has a nice van parked outside.

– Manny and Noah touch gloves. This fight is sponsored by Direct TV. New sponsour. Manny lands a solid punch on Noah’s chin and goes into a sprawl. He has Noah against the cage. Noah has a headlock but Manny is so strong that he suplexes Noah from this position and has him on the ground. He passes Noah’s guard into side mount after standing up and jumping in to strike. Noah is effed. Elbows landed by Manny. Noah has his feet spread along the fence. Manny re-direct TVs his feet from the fence and lands some punches. Manny resumes side control. He has north-south. He finds a wrist and yanks on it and Noah INSTANTLY taps. Quickest tap.

COREY: This is why we work! This is why we work! This is why we work!

– Fight recap. Pulver says Manny was a pitbull. Penn reluctantly recaps the fight. Manny was surprised that Noah was rocked but didn’t go down. Penn was glad Noah tapped because an arm lock like that can stop you from wiping your a– for ten months. Hmm. Never thought of it that way before. If you wish to wipe your a–, then please tap.

– Mazzagatti butchers Manny’s name as he announces he won by kimora. Dana is surprised that a guy who has not fought in over two years dominated a guy who has fought forty times in that same amount of time. How embarrassing for Noah.

NOAH: I don’t know where to go now.

Noah enters the van as he two-straps a backpack. Sorry. Just watched 21 Jump Street. I note when someone one straps or two straps it.

Next time on TUF: Penn and coaches are not happy with his team’s attitude and work ethic. Gabe uses a rectal tube to cut weight. Corey is too intense. A grudge will be settled. And that be all.

PENN

ALLEN BERUBE 1
ANDY WANG 1
GABE  RUEDIGER 9
GRAY  MAYNARD 3
JOE LAUZON 3
MATT WIMAN 10
ROB EMERSON 9
NOAH THOMAS 11

PULVER

BRANDON MELENDEZ 5
BRIAN  GERAGHTY 1
COLE MILLER 1
COREY HILL 2
NATE DIAZ 2
MANNY GAMBURYAN 15
MARLON SIMS 0
WAYNE WEEMS 0

Episode three:

Previously on TUF: Gabe was overweight and out of shape when he entered. DMX yelled and barked in Gabe’s face. Rob wrote something on the wall that made Diaz go into Nick Diaz mode. Manny beat Noah. Corey smacks a mat and shouts ‘1, 2, 3’ like he’s a pro wrestling referee. Will Pulver keep their streak?

– Intro time. Whenever Limp Bizkit says ‘Boom!’ someone deals a slam or punch. Except for when it is Andy’s face that appears in the intro. Production does not care about Andy. He was only cast because his name is Wang.

– Fight recap. Mazzagatti’s creepy mustache. Marlon speaks. Cole and Miller agree that Manny f—ed Noah up. Nobody believes Noah made one offensive move during the fight. We are shown Gabe approaching BJ to ask Dana if he is allowed to get a colonic. Gabe explains that a Colonic removes all of your waste and can eliminate five to seven pounds in your body. BJ is unsure how that works.

– BJ hugs and talks to Dana about Gabe requesting a Colonic. Penn knows Gabe is one of the weak and will therefore be picked very soon. As a viewer this means Gabe succeeds and wins the next fight. Gabe is there for the conversation and claimed he did it in Thailand. Dana is the one who makes the arrangements for a Colonic. It is healthy, it cuts weight, and it is uncomfortable. Gabe laughs uncomfortably.

– Manny wears the belt. Nate wanted to fight Joe but is shifting his focus to fight Rob the S—writer. He needs to fight immediately. Fighting to him is what like weed is to his brother.

– Penn Meeting. BJ asks Gabe that he needs to show that he wants the contract. Andy comes in to say ‘this-and-that’ which needs to be edited out of all episodes. DeSouza says Gabe is worried about tubes shoved up his a– as opposed to training to fight. The assistant coach does not regret it as he harps on Gabe.

– Corey says there is a Good Corey and a Bad Corey. The Bad Corey is the one who shouts random crap with his mouthguard on. He flexes his muscles.It is all an effort to push himself as hard as possible. We are shown his insane workouts and doing his reps at record pace. Pulver has brought an assistant coach to improve everyone’s ground game. He is from the UFC. Of course it goes to commercial.

– The coach is Jeremy Horn from Miletich Fighting System. Nate says that him and his brother worshipped him on TV because Jeremy has fought everyone. I know that isn’t a joke either. Look up the list of people he has fought and you will see what I mean. The TV does not mention it but Jeremy would fight for free just so he would prevent ring rust. He is that wild.

– Corey does not know who he is because he does not have cable. Newsflash: Jeremy has never appeared on cable except maybe once or twice in WEC or when Pride was on FOX Sportsnet.

– Jeremy coaches Corey. He is impressed with Corey because Corey has zero coaching prior to TUF but picks up anything Jeremy tells him. Jeremy takes the time to ask Corey where he trains. Corey says he is not apart of a gym. Mr. Horn takes this opening to invite Corey to his training camp when this show is over and has officially taken him under his wing.

COREY: This is my zone! This is my home! Nobody comes between me and my zone or my home!

Picture that but Corey is only wearing a white towel. ‘Tis a little strange.

– Gabe enters a place called Healing Waters. He tells us it cleans your insides. Colleen is the therapist.

COLLEEN: We’re gonna have some fun.

That’s right. A blonde woman would rather be in no other place than the inside of a man’s a–. How ironic considering outside of this job she will never have the biological chance to be in such a position. We are shown the visual of her enacting what they will do to Gabe’s rectum. Her right pinky is inside of her left fist. That’s the only visual I need. She tells him how to lubricate his rectum.

– GABE: You’re pretty excited about it?
COLLEEN: I love it. Show me a mudslide and you have a good colon.
***GABE’s procedure is done***
GABE (puts on sunglasses): F————————-.

– Gray does not agree with Gabe missing practice because of a Colonic.
GRAY: Shoving things up your a– to lose weight is the easy route. It’s not working hard. It’s his way of getting attention.

I believe the boy from Kite Runner would definitely have choice words for Gray’s statement.

GABE: I didn’t lose enough. I might get another one because my therapist said you do not feel the full effects until your second.

The scale reads 170-something as he says this. How long until Gabe gives up and becomes a welterweight? This is the third episode in a row of him cutting weight.

– House time. One guy is wearing a thong and another guy is giving himself a wedgie. Nate says he doesn’t mind people who are gay but doesn’t approve people of acting gay. Somebody is wearing a cape and thong. Rob is wearing only a thong. Never had to type the word ‘thong’ so much since I wrote the lyrics for a Sisqo song.

– Fight Pick Day.
DANA: Let’s see where we’re at.
*EVERYONE’S HEADS TURN TO THE BURGER KING TUF STANDINGS*

Allen and Noah are out. Manny and Cole are safe. Jens comes out without any challenges or mindgames from Penn.

– Nate steps forward and lines up with Rob.

DANA: They had a great staredown. That’s when you know you’ll have a great fight.

Dana speaks of Nick Diaz who is Nate’s tougher and weed-prone brother. We are shown clips of Nick Diaz.

DANA: The Diaz brothers are strong, emotional, tough street kids. Diaz brothers are angry at everyone.

None of the clips are from Diaz’s recent victory over Takanori Gomi. Boo.

-The numbers ‘209’ are written everywhere on the house. That is the area code of Nate’s hometown. Since when was it cool for area codes to represent your identity? Shouldn’t robots be the only thing identified by a number?

– ROB: I had my first fight when I was nineteen. I was in the stands at an underground card drinking beer and eating donuts when somebody came up to me and said ‘a guy dropped out. Would you like to fight?’ and I was drunk and said I’d do it. I knocked the guy out in the first round. The next day I have been training ever since.

Wow.

– They follow Shonie’s tradition of spraypainting the UFC logo your favourite colour. Rob paints it blue for obvious reasons.

– Weigh-ins. 156 for Emerson. 156 for Diaz too. Nate wears his boxers irregularly high.

– Training session. Promo time. DeSouza.

ROB: I’ve been in street fights. I’ve been hit with bottles, skateboards, you name it.

What a strange combination.

ROB EMERSON IRVINE, CALIFORNIA / 25 years old / 8-6
NATE DIAZ STOCKTON, CALIFORNIA / 21 year old / 5-2
Prediction: Nate loses. WEC ain’t got s— on UFC.

– Dana gives the usual lecture. Herb Dean our referee.

– Rob fires a leg kick. Nate’s southpaw draws nearer. Kick by Nate. Nate is looking to grab an arm. Nate punches. They clinch. Nate throws a knee. Left punch by Rob against the side of the face. Rob splits away and punches Nate forcing him to cover up. They are running about the ring. A clinch. Both are firing low knees. Nate nearly has a standing armbar but Rob breaks away. Nate is trying to fire himself up as he nods when he punches Rob. Rob is fighting back. Nate catches a knee on Rob’s face. They clinch and Rob is against the cage. Muay Thai clinch by Diaz but Nate loses a hand and lets Rob elbow him in the face. They break and are in the middle of the ring. They clinch and both tumble. Nate is on his back but Rob is standing. Nate tries to kick but stands er up.They clinch and Nate is against the fence. Tough time for me keeping up. Nate is using his strength to drive Rob halfway across the octagon into the fence. Rob spins and breaks from the fence. They meet for another clinch. Nate sneaks in a good punch. Both issue combinations. Rob is backing away until he fires a headkick. Muay Thai Clinch by Rob. Knees galore. Nate breaks it. They opt  for underhooks. Both of them are simultaneously against the fence. Now it’s Rob. Now it’s Diaz. Now it’s Rob. They fire elbows in the meantime. Nate attempts a combination that largely fails. A clinch by Diaz. He has the underhooks. Rob defends well in a Liddell manner. Clock expires. They be drained.

– Round starts. Nate tries a flying knee but it fails. They circle for ten seconds. They touch gloves involuntarily a million times. Nate’s right arm is straight out. Rob goes in for a clinch. Nate pushes him against the fence. Rob still has the underhooks. Rob’s lip is cut! Rob pushes him away but they scramble and are against the fence. Uppercuts by Nate. More land. Rob is rocked. Rob is exhausted. Rob is going to lose. Knees by Diaz. Nate sweeps Rob and Rob is desperately defending Nate from going to guard. Rob fends him off and is halfway up but Nate grabs him and drops him. It is half guard but not a traditional one. Rob is sweating like a pig. He looks like Stephan Bonnar after three rounds. Or Yarbarough after ten seconds. Nate flirts with side control a few times but does not waste previous seconds to initiate a series of strikes. Rob is taking a pounding. Nate stands up to do a few leg kicks before coming into full mount. He takes Rob’s back but Rob is on his side. Nate improves position on Rob’s back. Nate is timing his strikes well before working on Rob’s left arm. Nate wraps his legs around Rob’s left arm trying to twist it. Rob does an impressive job of spinning out of it. Nate has full mount on Rob and reigns down some bombs. Rob spins out. Nate has Rob’s back and is trying to choke with twenty seconds left. Rob slowly taps but is resisting. Eventually he is in such a panic that he taps with BOTH hands. Is that a double submission? Or would Allen say that’s a double no-loss? Nate pats him on the back afterwards.

– Fight recap. Everyone comments how great of a fight it was. The coaches, Dana, and our competitors recap it. Dana applauds when herb announces the verdict. Pulver’s team presumably are the only ones clapping. Dana talks to both fighters in the octagon.

DANA: That was the baddest mothaf—ing fight we’ve ever had in this gym in five seasons.

I would jump to that conclusion too after I saw TUF 4.

– Rob is gloomy and says it is the first time he has been finished. He should’ve respected Nate’s game more.

Next time on TUF: He screams at somebody who is taking the easy way out. Gabe decides who he wants to fight. Marlon brags he is the best street fighter and challenges all comers. A UFC champion comes to help Team Pulver. BJ ain’t gettin no love.

PENN

ALLEN BERUBE 0
ANDY WANG  1
GABE  RUEDIGER 6
GRAY  MAYNARD 1
JOE LAUZON 0
MATT WIMAN 0
ROB EMERSON 11
NOAH THOMAS 0

PULVER

BRANDON MELENDEZ 0
BRIAN  GERAGHTY 0
COLE MILLER 2
COREY HILL 6
NATE DIAZ 16
MANNY GAMBURYAN 1
MARLON SIMS 2
WAYNE WEEMS 0

Rank the Fights
—-

1) Rob Emerson vs. Nate Diaz (It sets the bar high for the remainder of the season. A perfect combo of striking, grappling, ground game, and submissions.)

2) Allen Berube vs. Cole Miller (The first fight of the season breaks the terrible chain of fights that were prevalent throughout the second half of TUF 4.)

3) Noah Thomas vs. Manny Gamburyan (Seeing Manny advance his position more and more in a matter of 2 1/2 minutes is a thing of beauty. He puts on a clinic for all up and coming lightweights on how to play the lightweight game.)

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