TAR 5 episode 7 ranking

Leg seven
—-

Previously on TAR: Bowling Moms caught up to the other teams and regained their money. When they arrived Mirna fought with Colin & Christie over a cab. Also, Mirna spits. Marshall’s knee brought them to the back of the pack. Bowling Moms fell nearly to last but the Pizza bros quit. Six teams are left. Which team will likely be (non-) eliminated next.

– Intro time. I wonder what happens if a team quits on a non-elimination leg? I have always wondered that.

– We are introduced to Luxor. It was formally known as Thebes. Crocodile Island is the pit stop for this leg that sits on the Nile. We are reminded for the fiftieth episode in a row that the pit stops are where teams can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams. Will the animosity between Colin & Christie and Charla & Mirna fuel these teams’ drive to win even more or lead to their demise? And after two close calls will Bowling Moms get out of the back of the pack?

– Colin & Christie depart at 5:33am thanks to arriving at 5:33pm.

– They must hire a taxi to take them to the airport. Each team has been given a ticket on any Egypt Air flight to Cairo (either 7:00am or 10:00am) which eliminates much of the airport strategy. From Cairo they will map their way to Nairobi, Kenya through flights. Once in Nairobi they will sign up for a charter flight to a mystery location. Why do the central Africa legs always involve a mystery location? The first leg of TAR 1 did that and TAR 2 did it too. Does that increase the exotic atmosphere of the leg? A place oh so untouched by “civilization”?

– Christie gives a boring confessional of how you can go from first to last. Chip & Kim depart at 6:01am. Kim thinks her and Chip can win this race. Chip says it is more about brain than brawn. We ironically cut to Kamkar departing.

– Kamkar believe they can be in first place. That will be the same day that the Globetrotters lose to Washington.

– Brandon is unsure if it is in God’s plan for him to win a million dollars on a show. Nicole believes the people in Egypt are so friendly

CHARLA: I can do anything. That’s why I’m on this race

It’s okay. Let me help you with that child.

– They MASSACRE the envelope. Stephen treated avocadoes better than they treated the clue.

– MIRNA: People don’t underestimate us anymore. In fact I think they overestimate us.

I am inclined to agree because you can’t open up a freakin clue. They’re scared. They think we’re too capable.

– Bowling Moms check out at 6:33am. Exactly one hour after Colin & Christie in first. They talk about cheering each other up. Awe.

– Everyone brags about having the earliest flight. However the flight is delayed half an hour. So Charla & Mirna and Bowling Moms are on the same flight.

CHARLA: Everything is always delayed in this country.

Charla–Not a Second World country advocate.

– Everyone scrambles into cabs in Cairo. Much like the cab race of the previous leg in Luxor. The cabs are ridiculous because teams are traveling only one terminal.

KAREN: Where are we going?
LINDA: To the other terminal to book tickets to Kenya, Nairobi. . .Nairobi, Kenya.

Geography is not required on the race but it certainly helps.

– Mirna calls the cab driver ‘habibi’. No idea how that translates. I love how Mirna attempts a terrible accent in every country possible. You think the locals would be offended at their attempt.

– Kamkar are first in the airport! They ask for specific tickets.

KAMKAR: We have to go to Kenya, Africa.

Employee says office for whatever airline it is does not open until 11:00am. At that point you can book all the tickets to the wonderful city of Kenya along with the Bowling Moms. I will go into an airport and say I need a flight to United States, North America. I assume I won’t get any eyebrows.

– Christie is standing in the doorway of the terminal.

CHRISTIE: C’mon Colin!

The last place I would choose to wait for somebody is in the doorway of Africa’s busiest airport. Surely no one will mind the wait? The first people Christie is blocking is Mirna. In the biggest surprise since the crash of the Space Shuttle Challenger’s crash, Mirna is polite to a fellow racer and says ‘excuse me’. If I were Christie I would turn my head in shock.

There is a guy on the other side of the door who looks completely confused as to what’s going on. Not every day someone is holding the door at the New (or Old?) airport.

MIRNA: Can you move out of the way?
CHARLA: Ass.

Charla limbos under Christie’s arm and is on her way to the counter.

Colin clears the railing. Christie is about to plow over Charla. And Mirna quotes one of my favourite songs of 2002.

Dear Wacky,

There is a mean old Texan in my life. A despicable human being. Repulsive. A maniac. I’d like to dedicate this song to her.

Mirna

Oh no!
Race is out!
Christie’s gonna plow Charla’s lights out
Camera crew get the f— back
Guard the film
If something goes wrong
Mirna can’t stay still
Chip’s been doing all the roadblocks and detours finishin them too
And Marshall’s knee been bustin too and uh
Is as useless as Flo’s head
And if a non-elimination jumps in
There’ll be more s—
Clues be causin confusin the teams and airports disturbin the peace
Taxis are used to makin us losin as they get lost in the streets
So bye bye to all you Fast Forwards and alpha players
Is that Andre & Damon following our ass?
No playa!
Colin doin 100 on the Argentine highway
So if Mirna not knowin the speed limit
Then get the f— outta his way
Tian & Jaree’s Aleppey taxi has a DUI
Hardly ever caught sober
So be prepared for him to f— them over
Move Christie
Get out the way
Get out the way
Christie, get out the way

– So Christie reports what happened to Kamkar and how Mirna called her a b—-. Mirna reports what happened to Bowling Moms and said Christie was a b—. “Christie is one evil b—.”

– MIRNA: Even though they’re the scum of the earth they think they own the earth.

– This incident has repercussions.

Colin asks Brandon & Nicole, Chip & Kim, and Kamkar to all work together.

– Nicole doesn’t care and is willing to follow the group.

CHRISTIE: If you’re in, you get information. If you’re not in, you get no information.

Everyone sides with Colin & Christie except Bowling Moms. Linda believes Mirna is better.  Mirna volunteers to book the tickets for the Bowling Moms. Given Mirna’s airport savvy I would say this is the best news for the Bowling Moms who are unlucky in airports except if it is an equalizer or a delay.

– Chip is fascinated by this.

CHIP: There is a Colin camp and a Mirna camp. It’s like a clash of the titans. They can’t staaand each other.

In the red corner, hailing from Corpus Christi, Texas, we have our current champion Titan in Colin.

And in the blue corner, hailing from Armenia, we have our challenging Titan in Mirna.

KIM: Hopefully they’re gonna knock each other out of this race.

– Swiss Airlines for the Colin camp.

– Mirna heads into Golf Air with the Bowling Moms. They go to Abu Dhabi then Nairobi where they arrive at 6:30am. Mirna calls for everyone to hide in the office.

Well nobody ever said titans had to be mature.

– Colin leads his army into Gulf Air. Mirna tells the agent in Spanish to not help these Americans because they are violent. The agent brushes them off in annoyance.

– A snake hissing sound effect plays as Colin stares at the camera for a solid five seconds.


A violent American.

– Mirna & Charla loudly celebrate as they exit the office. Colin books tickets on the same Gulf Air flight.

When Kami is saying that you know you really are an idiot.

– Mirna & Charla and Bowling Moms board the Gulf Air flight on their own.

– CHRISTIE: We like to pay for any ticket as much as we can.

Unless it’s business class.

– At the last second everyone is booked on the same flight. Their stop is not through Abu Dhabi. It’s Bahrain.

– Charla & Mirna and Bowling Moms change the second connection from Abu Dhabi to Dubai. Everyone else is flying through Abu Dhabi thirty minutes after Mirna’s camp.

– Bowling Moms and Charla & Mirna get to Dubai. Unfortunately the flight is delayed. Meanwhile the other teams get all the way to Nairobi no problem. Colin is a lucky bastard.

– Colin and Chip sign up for 8:00am flight. Kamkar and Brandon sign up for 8:45am flight. Kamkar does the stupidest dance when Colin announces they aren’t there. Bowling Moms and Mirna sign up for the third charter at 9:30am.

– Nicole sees a rainbow.
NICOLE: It’s a symbol of God’s promise.

– Charla hates flying in a small plane. Who knew you would have to do that on a race around the world.

– central Africa music plays. Teams find out they’re in Kilimanjaro, Tanzania.

CHIP: We’re really in Africa.

Egypt has played an idol. All legs that take place in Egypt do not count. One leg Egypt, two legs Egypt. We have no Africa legs for anyone on the race.

CHIP: Africa! Wuh hah hah!

Chip McAllister is changing his name to Chip Mutombo thanks to his posture and stance.

– KIM: I’ve always wanted to come to Africa ever since I was a little girl.

Geez. Egypt is really getting the snub.

– Clue time. Get to Mto Wa Mbu seventeen miles away. Chip & Kim and Colin & Christie go to the bus station.  Taxis aren’t an option I imagine.

– Chip bumps fists with a local as he gets on the bus. Christie complains about the smell on the bus. There are about thirty buses all over the place and people are even culling chickens. The bus ride costs five dollars. The two teams confirm with each other.

– Second charter. Brandon & Nicole get to the bus thanks to a guy wearing a Canadian hat. The guy tells him it’s forty dollars. Uh oh. Busted on national television.

NICOLE: We have to go now!
CANADA GUY: No problema.

They stall on the bus.

BRANDON: We pay you one hundred dollars if we go now. Go now
KAMKAR: One hundred between the four of us.
CANADA GUY: Two hundred dollars.
KAMKAR: No.
CANADA GUY: Okay. One hundred and a half dollars.

The raging Pageant Queen, come out to plaaaay.

– BRANDON: This guy’s shady. I’m getting  off.
CANADA GUY physically blocks people from getting off the bus.
KAMKAR: We’re getting off. You’re f—ing with us.

Holy crap. Where did this Kamkar come from? They’re growing bigger balls than the soap variant inside a mega disco.

KAMKAR: Jump out the window!

Well you’re half smart.

CANADA GUY wises up and instructs the driver to drive.

– Detour time. Buzzing or Bizzing. Ride bikes to a honey farm. Put on suits and harvest two pounds of honey from African hives. In busy, load a chair on a cart and deliver it to an address. This is difficult because they are finding an address in a rural town where nothing is marked.

– Chip & Kim and Colin & Christie both go with chairs. They ask locals which address they know before choosing a cart. Great strategy. Better than picking a cart THEN asking for an address.

CHIP: So we’re going the right way?
LOCAL: No, it’s over there.
CHIP: Then why are we here?

Wooden chairs are not exactly the most comfortable.

– KIM: We’re not getting pillows but that is thoughtful.

That’s Kim’s polite way of saying ‘Thank you very f—ing much’.

– CHIP: We didn’t want all the acoutrements. We just wanted to take the doggone thing to the address!

– Brandon verbally pushes back against the CANADA GUY. Kamkar remark how grateful they were that Brandon was there. Brandon challenges the man if he is trustworthy. He wonders how Bowling Moms and Mirna will do.

Who knew chaos would occur here.

– Charla proposes riding the bus for three dollars. They got on no problem.

– Christie gets a receipt. They finish.

– Chip & Kim deliver the chairs. They sit with the people who receive the chairs.

DOYLE BRUNSON: You can still survive in the game as long as you have a Chip and a chair.

Great joke by me, I know.

No witty poker analogy to be found here. Only that Chip & Kim are the only team to be offered watermelon on the race. I won’t even go there.

– Brandon’s bus stops. Fuel has run out.

CANADA GUY: Dontchu worry. No problem.

A few guys are running to get more fuel.

If the summer Olympics have taught me anything, these three African men should have no problem running a long distance to get fuel and come back in no time.

– Bowling Moms and Mirna see Brandon the side of the road. They are ecstatic.

– Brandon prays. For the first time ever Brandon gets a commercial cliffhanger. The Bowling Moms and Mirna’s streak is broken.

– Fuel returns. They continue.

– Christie gets the clue from Katongo Furniture. It’s time to head to Kibaoni and find the Kavishe Hotel.

– Mirna’s bus stops. Why?

Potty break for the driver! Who do they think they are? Jon Corso in Malaysia?

– Brandon’s bus passes Mirna and Bowling Moms. I s’pose there isn’t a fixed bus speed on the roads to meet stop deadlines.

– Chip & Kim receive their clue. Time to find the hotel. Hint: It won’t be five-star.

– Brandon and Kamkar’s bus arrives. Kamkar get the detour. CANADA GUY is satisfied with them and moves onto Brandon & Nicole. He asks for ten more dollars.

NICOLE: Ten more dollars?! But you broke down.
CANADA GUY (pokes Brandon): Ten more dollars my friend.
BRANDON: Buzzing. . . .busy. . .
CANADA GUY keeps poking.
CANADA GUY: Yo, listen my friend.
NICOLE: Get out of my face.
CANADA GUY: Ten dollar
NICOLE: No listen.
CANADA GUY hits her on the shoulder with his money.
NICOLE: Don’t hit me!
CANDA GUY: Ten dollars.
NICOLE: Don’t hit me!
BRANDON: He’s slowing us down.
NICOLE: What do you want me to do?
BRANDON: Give him the other ten.
NICOLE: What? Ten more dollars! You know what. . .

(NICOLE throws the ten dollar to the ground.)

NICOLE: Get it.
CANADA GUY (grabs cash): You fool. You fool.
BRANDON: Thank you.
CANADA GUY: No. You fool.

– Brandon got them out of the situation. I noticed the guy was wearing a shirt that says ‘CALGARY’ on it. Oh the foreshadowing! The shirt must be donated, I’m guessing. How would a Calgary shirt make its way on the other side of the world?

– Bowling Moms and Mirna get to detour.

This is the hotel. I think it is the same price to sleep here as the hotel on Mediterranean Avenue.

– Roadblock. Who’s REALLY hungry?

COLIN (thinks about caviar): I guess I’m doing it.

– Phil says they must eat an ostrich egg. Pour the yoke into a bowl until it reaches the brim. From the bowl you cook it.

Colin is a little under the brim. Instructor says it is no good. Colin says he’ll gather the yoke on the ground and put it into the bowl. Instructor says no.

COLIN: Why not?
INSTRUCTOR: Because it’s not full.
COLIN: WHAT THE F—!

The instructor’s inability to address why he can’t add the dropped yoke annoys him.

– Colin accidentally spills the bowl before it hit’s the pot.  Christie screams at Colin and slams the clue onto the chair. This must be entertaining at the locals because there are no doors or windows in the hotel.

COLIN: It should be good. I overflowed that bitch.

– Meanwhile Kamkar are doing the detour. So is Mirna mainly. Brandon says Nicole is doing nothing in the task and Brandon believes he is carrying her.

– Mirna and Charla see a huge muddy spot on the road. They don’t they can get through it and would rather turn around. Bowling Moms fear no mud and work together to push through the mud. Charla walking through mud would be viewed by the editors as bad taste. They’ll leave crawling through mud to Judd Sergeant. And why is Judd coming up so much this season?

– We cut to Chip He is excited when he sees the roadblock clue. Kim says scrambled eggs are his specialty. I notice Chip is wearing a shirt that says ‘Got Mud?’ on the back. Creative cutaway from the mud in the detour.

– Phil earlier told us that an ostrich egg is equivalent to two dozen chicken eggs. The number of chicken eggs I consume are approximately zero.

– Colin wants to keep cooking the eggs. Christie is impatient and calls for him to just start eating because teams (or in her mind Mirna) are about to catch up.

– Bowling Moms sneak into a back street to the back door of the house. They have snuck into third place! Great detour for them.

– Kamkar are next. Then Brandon & Nicole. Mirna sees Brandon exiting the detour. She says Brandon is only two minutes ahead.

– Kamkar are back to the clue before Bowling Moms. They have maintained their third place position from the previous leg.

– CHIP: I was the Michael Jordan of eating the caviar–*burp*

The kids are laughing when he burps.

CHIP: But the eggs are heavier than the caviar because you have to chew.

– Colin chews and chews but hates how it is stuck in his teeth. He insists cooking it more will be faster. Christie grinds her teeth in disapproval. Colin takes his egg and puts it in the pot.

But Chip meanwhile is eating his doggone eggs.

– Mirna gets one of the locals to carry her bags.

Colin releases his Dexter energy as he does a complete stabbing motion with the wooden spoon. I believe I called Colin’s Dexter-like tenacity from the season premiere. I love it when my outrageous assessments pan out.

– Chip is done the roadblock. He cheers hoping the kids join him. They meet him halfway by clapping. No other teams have shown up.

– Pit stop time.

The obligatory integration of the Mesai which every few seasons of TAR seems to be craving to use. Teams will fly across on a zipline before the pit stop. It must be a cruel joke by producers. After caviar they make them run the tallest staircase of the race. After a meal that is equivalent to two dozen chicken eggs they make them fly across on a zipline.

How do I know I am a TAR nerd?

I thought the gorge was Batoka Gorge. But then I realized that’s the gorge from the Songwe leg in TAR’s series premiere.

– Kamkar are at roadblock. Colin is ready to vomit. He has a bucket next to him. Then Brandon arrives to do it. Then Bowling Moms where Karen is elected.

LINDA: Colin is a big baby. It’s just eggs!

– Charla & Mirna are last. Charla is doing the roadblock.

The viewers at home have lost their appetite.

– Christie says they need to go. Production cuts back and forth between Charla cooking the egg and Colin staring into the distance viciously.

– I can’t believe Charla is doing the roadblock in dead last. Mirna’s stomach is clearly much bigger and would have the will to eat even if she cannot handle bad food. It’s a million dollars.

– Chip & Kim have a big lead as they go across the zipline. Chip is not screaming ‘Oh the egg!’ this time. He even runs to the pit stop. Phil informs them they have won a trip to Latin America. A team checks into first at minute 39 of 43 minutes in the episode. Latest check in ever?

– Colin is done the roadblock seconds later. Linda announces Colin is done. So much for the amped up showdown between him and Mirna & Charla.

– Bowling Moms finish third.

– Colin & Christie ride zipline.

– Kamkar struggles. Brandon is done. Charla eats.

– Bowling Moms ride zipline.

– Colin & Christie check in.

– Mirna says Charla is two-thirds of way done. You know what washes down a two thousand calorie meal?

A three hundred calorie Coke. If they had brains they’d go for diet. Although it seems every team was given a glass of Coke. It must have been provided for free. I would never drink it. Charla makes the most disgusting burp noise I have heard in my life. Worse than when I left a drug awareness lecture and puked French Fries into my hands.

– Brandon & Nicole ride zipline.

– Egg race continues.

– Bowling Moms check in.

– Charla eats.

– Brandon & Nicole check in.

– Charla eats.

– Karli says she is grabbing her bags and getting ready to leave because Kami should not be taking any longer. Kami internalizes this and finishes the egg by washing it down with WATER. Now that’s how you do it.

– Kamkar leave.

– They show Charla finishing .2 seconds later.

– Kamkar are on the zipline .2 seconds later.

– Kamkar check in 5th place .2 seconds later.

– Charla & Mirna on zipline .2 seconds later. It is as if nobody will check into the pit stop in last place.

– MIRNA: It might be a non-elimination. Just do it.

They run to the pit stop.

– PHIL: Charla & Mirna, you’re the last team to arrive.

*dramatic music plays and cuts to Charla & Mirna before showing Phil*

PHIL: Sorry to tell you you’ve both been eliminated from the race.

And I am also sorry to tell you there will be no more hugs after this leg. This will be your seventh and final hug.

– Charla talks about how groundbreaking she was to prove everything she could do and to accomplish her dreams. Phil is even tearing up. Charla says Mirna is an amazing person to be around. Charla says little people have to try triple as hard as a regular person to do things and work triple as hard. Although if she worked triple as hard that dang clue would have been open. Sad music plays as they leave.

– Next time on TAR: Nicole is furious about Brandon handing out money like it’s “toilet paper”. Colin is furious with a cab and may be off to jail. Colin in jail? Did they, uh, find the body perhaps? Scuba divers found quite the loot in the shores of Miami.

So Charla & Mirna are eliminated at the literal halfway point of the race. The audience was shocked. Really? This is how their huge storyline ends? Because they wouldn’t push a cart through mud accompanied by a flight delay? Kamkar outlasts them?! But they don’t even exit because Colin & Christie outwit them–it was a force out of their control. My mom and sister were huge Charla & Mirna fans and HATED Colin & Christie. Colin especially. I echoed them at the time.

But on this re-watch in particular and doing a deep analysis, I find very little wrong with Colin & Christie. The feud begins when Mirna interrupts Colin for no good reason. Mirna only has the Bowling Moms in her camp not because of prejudice against her and Charla, but because Mirna’s attitude pissed off every single team except the one team she wasn’t rude to which was the Bowling Moms.

I recall my mom saying “They’re gone but that Colin is still in!”

These Egypt legs really made people hate Colin & Christie more than ever. They were viewed as being more despicable than Kelly & Jon near the end of last season. More than Flo. More than Guidos. And ALMOST as much as Tara & Wil.

Next round Colin would launch himself into the Reality TV Hall of Fame as he accomplishes the impossible task of eclipsing Tara & Wil. Colin would easily be the most talked about reality TV figure for the next few months. No question.

Brandon&Nicole 7.2
Kami&Karli 4
Linda&Karen 6.3
Colin&Christie 4.3
Chip&Kim 6.3
Charla&Mirna 5.7

12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8

9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF

Rank the Legs
——-

1) St. Petersburg -> Giza (Ancient Egypt? The race goes to freakin Ancient Egypt?! God this leg was memorable. Egypt never entered my mind as a destination. The leg was very up and down for all of the teams. Unless you’re Colin & Christie. Yeah there was a stupid Fast Forward but it had no bearing on this leg. Colin & Christie finished with perhaps the biggest lead at a pit stop. Kamkar effs up with a puzzle, Linda effs up her ankle, and Marshall effs up his knee. Nobody was safe. Well, actually everyone was safe. I remember how blown away I was when the last place team lost all of their money and would have zero money for the next leg. My biggest complaint about the first four seasons of TAR had been eliminated. All of the viewers speculated how much of an impact having zero dollars to your name would paralyze you in the race. Charla & Mirna’s Trojan attack in the airport was pretty good too. This is the best non-elimination leg as well because TAR broke the predictable structure of 6-5-4-3 or 5-5-3. Even though there is only four non-eliminations we see it first occur with seven teams which was a necessary shake-up for the race. It forced you to run hard on every leg. Best location ever for the race and a very memorable episode.)

2) San Carlos de Bariloche -> St. Petersburg (I have nothing bad to say about this leg. Mirna continued her path of destruction with other teams as she interrupts Colin and hurls nasty insults. In addition she taunts teams at the roadblock for good measure. If nobody knew who Colin was last episode, they certainly did this episode as he once again stepped in the leader role and booked bus tickets for four teams. They in turn gave them the best flight available. Speaking of flights, the journey from Patagonia to St. Petersburg is perhaps my favourite of all-time in the series. There were five–FIVE planes! Editors should be given an Emmy for editing an episode that likely lasted four or five days into a 40 minute block. Seriously. The tasks were very inspired too. Vodka at midnight, hockey shots with amateurs, and eating the delicacy known as caviar. Do the rich have terrible taste? Chip & Kim’s random jump from being next to last several times into being first place and passing the mactors was great. Nicole and Christie’s reaction to the caviar was one of the funniest things I had seen on the race. Nicole nearly goes unconscious because she doesn’t like the food! The pit stop location is pretty dang epic. Brandon & Nicole cutting ties with their closest allies was also entertaining for its short-sighted move. Overall a very very very good episode of TAR. Even if we lose Bob & Joyce.)

3) Cairo -> Luxor (A gigantic equalizer at the start of the leg is a quick strike. Colin & Christie’s lead should not have been taken down from seven hours to zero minutes before they reach the inside of the pyramid. The shove between Mirna and them was proof of how much nearly everyone hates Mirna which had never been witnessed before. It made the Guidos look like moral gods. Tasks were very inspired. We moved from the royal Ancient Egypt tasks in leg five to the more peasant like tasks of Ancient Egypt here in leg six. No one knew what a scarab was. Junk shots from the goats. Colin awkwardly riding a donkey. The only other downer for this leg is that the Pizza Bros were DOA from the moment I saw Marshall walking out of the pit stop. Kamkar’s poop allergy balanced this.

4) Buenos Aires -> San Carlos de Bariloche (Awesome leg. Pizza Bros’ confrontation with Mirna is so quotable. I have imitated Marshall saying “I hate her sooo much” at least once a month. I have yet to get the accent down. The frenzy in the airport is one of the series’ best. Brandon & Nikki betraying Mirna was great. Mirna wondering why everyone treats her so badly by then pulling an underhanded move on Pizza Bros was great. Colin joining in on the bashing by saying “we have to beat the midget!” creates a clear theme for the season. No taxis are present in this leg which is always awesome. The tasks are great considering how small of a space they are in. Well rounded. Oh, and Kamkar swimming to the pit stop.)

5) Luxor -> Kilimanjaro (Ranking these legs are really tough for TAR 5. I s’pose the midway leg will hover around the midway point because it was solid but not terribly memorable. Nobody quits, hangs out at the Sphinx, or shouts ‘b—’ in opposing taxis. In fact if anything this leg would be considered a slight disappointment. Right when Mirna has a shoving battle with Christie, Mirna is knocked out along with Charla because of luck as opposed to one titan or another using brilliant strategy to get ahead. How in the world was the yield not used by Colin & Christie? Despite losing our star team it was a fun leg. This is one of the most remote locations for the race but also fairly populated. The chaos between Brandon & Nicole with the Calgary guy was fascinating. Chip & Kim stop to hang out with people on the detour on the race is even better. Seeing Colin’s intensity mount to nothing more than whining about eggs was great. There is not much else to say about the leg. Perhaps too much time spent in airports pumping up ‘clash of the titans’ when it amounts to nothing?)

6) Montevideo -> Buenos Aires (Mega discos are awesome. Charla asking directions from a prostitute. Kamkar and Chip & Kim get into a mud fight thinking they are last place but it turns out it was all for naught and in fact the face-off in the cab nearly had Alison & Donny catch up. Taxi vs. Bus dilemma was good because it made you think short term versus long term. At the time Alison’s elimination was a bonus because the stunt casting team would not be able to corrupt more than two episodes. The only negative is that we had to see dogs having sex.)

7) Santa Monica -> Maldonado (Although it is this low it is by no means a bad premiere. It’s a great premiere. Jim’s knee injury, Charla & Mirna’s craziness, Chip, Kim, Kamkar, and Donny ignoring a preposition in the clue would be enough to have this premiere be the best leg in any season. But this is TAR 5. There’s just too many memorable and entertaining legs that topple the premiere. The fact Jim & Marsha survive and boring couple Dennis & Erika are first out was one of the better scenarios. Biggest negative for the leg is that the semi-celebrity team is the one that wins the leg. Nearly everyone in the audience thought Alison’s win on this leg was rigged. Obviously this would prove to not be the case. There was also too many equalizers.)

Rank the Teams
—-

6) Dennis & Erika

Why is it that I have nothing to say about the first couple that gets eliminated in each season? They are likely underdeveloped and are branded with zero personality so we do not care about them. Matt & Ana, Hope & Norm, Debra & Steve, and now Dennis & Erika. Dennis played the nice guy to the point it was irritating. All because he could not handle being labeled as a scumbag which none of the other teams really meant too seriously. I doubt anyone cared about their storyline of getting back together and being re-engaged.

5) Alison & Donny

I never approved of Alison being cast on the race. Although Big Brother is not too popular internationally I would say it is still unfair to the other players. Why not cast someone who has yet to appear on one of the big three reality shows? Instead Alison is cast solely for her name. We are lucky that the couple’s extreme lack of compatibility made them have the most ridiculous fights ever seen on TAR, and we are also lucky they did it in an honest and non-camera whoring fashion. They earned their airtime by winning the first leg then falling to last place on the next. I just wished TAR didn’t continue the practice of casting d-list celebrities in the future.

4) Marshall & Lance

Pizza Bros who are loud, witty, and offensive to anyone they don’t like. They gave great confessionals and got along surprisingly well for being a loud sibling team. They were ultimately a casting mistake, though. Marshall should never have been allowed to enter the race as heavy as he was. I cannot recall anybody who has entered the race heavier than he was. His knees were bound to be ruined. I think even Steve & Dave from TAR 4 had an easier time.

However, if you eliminate the weight, there is no real reason why this team should not have been cast. They were great television despite being scumbags. That’s right. Scumbags.

3) Bob & Joyce

The Internet dating couple. Both lost a spouse to cancer but on the race discovered they truly loved each other. They were at the front of the pack for most of the race until a business class ticket screwed them over. Bob looking humorously old and Joyce’s wacky attitude only made them more likeable. They were the first older team outside of Teri & Ian that I truly liked in TAR. Sure Bob got into an odd fight with my man Chip, but hey, who knows how much of that two second clip was set up by editing. It sucks how they went out.

2) Jim & Marsha

One of my favourite teams. Who wasn’t disappointed to see them go early? They nearly miss the first flight of the game because Jim tripped on the pier and had a nail go into his knee. A ton of blood. They were nice and polite to the other teams but remained competitive. Incidentally the only time they finished outside of last place (or next to last place) is a leg that did not involve planes. Sometimes the bad luck is not with the taxis but rather with airports.

They are also the first father-daughter team to be on the race.

1) Charla & Mirna

Otherwise known as “Schmirna & Mirna”. Seriously, can you think of a reason why these two should not be cast? Charla is the first Little Person on the race. However her partner is perhaps the most polarizing person to ever be on The Amazing Race. It goes against the stereotype of reality TV contestants who are celebrated for their disabilities and positively breaking barriers. Mirna & Charla contradict this. Mirna is a conniving mothaf—er and Charla plays along. They have fun, cry, yell at other teams, play victim, play bully, and can do the whole cycle in every single episode. Plus they have the highest ranking of any team to finish in sixth.

Need we say more? Or as we say on Martha Stewart’s Apprentice, need we play more?

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