TAR 5 episode 5 ranking

Look pal, I don’t see what’s so funny and great about this blog!

Previously on TAR: Colin & Christie led their fateful followers to Russia. Mirna managed to be ruder than ever. Brandon did not drink vodka because of his religious beliefs. Meanwhile Mr. Wacky himself never drinks because he has a fear of being videotaped when becoming inebriated. The top two teams could not overcome eating two pounds of caviar. Chip triumphed and ate up the competition into the lead. Widows were ousted after Nicole and Christie recovered. Seven teams remain. Who will be eliminated this round?

Just caught on that Phil said Chip “tasted” victory for the first time. Oh Phil.

– Intro time.

I wonder if it will be foreclosed on because of the housing crisis?

Phil introduces us to Catherine’s Palace. It was built by Peter the Great for his wife Catharine. Will Chip & Kim, who are in the lead for the first time, stay ahead of the pack?

– There are a couple tables showing teams eating at the pit stop. Charla & Mirna are the only ones with a table by themselves.

– Chip & Kim who arrived at 9:11pm depart at 9:11am. I love a rare daytime departure. A couple times per race is all I need to fill that need.

– The next clue is at the Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg. Once there, a curator will follow them until they point at a Rembrandt painting known as ‘Return of the Prodigal Son’.

– 9:42pm for Colin & Christie. That was a long caviar meal. 10:01 for the Pizza Bros.

– LANCE (rips open clue): Go to the Hermitage.
MARSHALL: My knees are killing me! I woke up this morning and I could barely walk.

Editors waste no time airing that confessional.

– Chip says ‘choo choo’ to be taken to the train station.

– Mirna says ‘choo choo’ to be taken to the train station.

– Chip & Kim are on the first train alone.

– Brandon says Nicole helps him believe in himself.

BRANDON: Choo choo?
(DRIVER nods.)

– Chip says the town looks like on a postcard.

– 12:14pm then 12:50pm for Bowling Moms and Kamkar. Kamkar struggled just as much with the caviar then if they arrived at the restaurant before Linda & Karen.

– CHIP (enthusiastic): The hermitage. Being in there you could just feel its historical greatness.

The word we were looking for was ‘aura,’ Chip. Aura.

– MARSHALL: The Russians might be the most miserable looking people on the planet. They’re angry looking. The freezing cold temperature must not help them because it made us miserable too.

Given we are off to the Hermitage, I present to you Exhibit A and Exhibit B of my greatest artwork, ‘The Miserable Russian’.

– Chip is in a narrow hallway as three people walk by him.

CHIP: Return of the Prodigal Son?
VISTOR #1 walks by silently.
CHIP: Return of the Prodigal Son?
VISITOR #2 walks by silently.
CHIP: Return of the Prodigal Son?
VISITOR #3 walks by silently.
CHIP: Return of the Prodigal sooooon.

TAR: The Musical. Coming to a museum near you.

– Mirna asks on the train where the painting is. Someone tells her which floor. Excellent.

– Colin looks at the map. He leads the way.
– Brandon & Nicole are on a train. They kiss. This scene is claimed by my older sister to be the dumbest scene ever aired in reality TV.

. . .

Ladies and gentlemen, I announce that the entire TAR audience at home has officially gagged.

– Brandon says Nicole is a girl that every guy could want. Even if her nose is a bit strange.

– COLIN: Isn’t the prodigal son, Jesus?
CHRISTIE: Okay well there’s a MILLION paintings of Jesus in here.

Well at least we can rule out all non-Jesus paintings. The parameters are narrowed down from 2, 000 possibilities to 1, 990.

– Chip & Kim find the painting first. Curator hands them the clue. They are astonished to discover they will be going to the top of the Tower of Cairo in Egypt. This single-handedly makes this season have the most epic race route ever. Cairo. Freakin. Egypt. Oddly enough I was in the 7th grade when this season aired and I had just finished an Ancient Egypt project at the end of the year. So that was even more awesome. TAR finally returns to the continent of Africa. About time.

– Bowling Moms say it is a race between them and the Twins for last place. Isn’t it always a race between the Twins and somebody else for last place?

– Colin finds a Rembrandt. He’s stoked. A few seconds later and he finds it.

– Pizza Bros come up with a trial and error strategy. Essentially the curator has to follow their index fingers pointing at every painting possible. They do this all the way up and down the floor until they find the painting. The curator was ready to commit suicide I think.

Lance practices his index finger pointing styles.

– Mirna & Charla then Brandon & Nicole enter the museum. They find it. Then Brandon & Nicole find it.

BRANDON: WOO HOO!
NICOLE: Shhhhhhhhhhh. Gosh.

Brandon does indeed coil back in fear. He looks like a cat who is sprayed with water for jumping on the couch.

– Charla has always wanted to see the pyramids. Will she get that chance?

– Chip goes to Airport International. Lady points them to Lufthansa office. Earliest flight is 3:15pm. They book it.

– Colin & Christie find a flight at a travel agent. 2:25pm arrival. Maybe I should get a pen and paper.

– Pizza Bros walk to the yellow building at the airport. Apparently that’s the Lufthansa office where Chip booked his tickets.

– Charla & Mirna enter the office while they’re still inside.

This is a record that Mirna has gone without interrupting anyone.

MIRNA (loudly): Charla, do a dance for us. Entertain us while we wait.

Really? You ask the Little Person of all to entertain you? I am sure there is no historical context to that.

And let us hope Charla never dances on camera again.

LANCE: We dislike Mirna and Schmirna. Not the type of people we’d hang out with.

What? You dissing their dance moves, Lance?

Marshall & Lance exit.

CHARLA: Okay this is going to be easy. . .same tickets.

– Brandon & Nicole buy tickets. They chilled with the other teams. There was no more research to be done. Which, if Nicole is giving a confessional stating this, obviously means there is more research to be done.

– Pizza Bros wonder if Colin went to a travel agent. They decide to walk to the building with Air France’s office in the airport. They have people sitting around in uniform but they’re closed. Why the heck are they sitting there then as if they’re ready for customers?! So Pizza Bros.

– Colin & Christie enter airport. Pizza Bros walk up to them. They ask about Colin’s flight. Pizza Bros inform them they have the best tickets because Air France’s office is closed (yeah, Colin’s flight is on Air France). Champion music plays as Colin looks away with a  grin. Colin & Christie board their flight.

– Lance carries on with his role as narrator. Them, Chip & Kim, Brandon & Nicole, and Charla & Mirna are all on the same flight. Bowling Moms and Twins have yet to show up.

– Bowling Moms and Twins run into the Hermitage. Holy crap they’re behind. Twins found an English speaking local and takes them directly to it.

Hey, you can’t be a team of three! Bertram, they’re cheaters!

– Camera zooms in on the third girl’s butt as she walks. Shameless camera operator.

– Kamkar are at travel agent already. They have the 3:15pm flight. Equalizer time except for Colin & Christie.

– Bowling Moms finally get the clue. They enter the cab. They’re off to the international airport. They think so, anyway. Their cabbie won’t respond.


Their cab driver is also Jimmi Simpson. Don’t trust him guys! He blew up CTU!


LINDA: Can I get tickets to Cairo, Egypt?

I told you not to trust Jimmi Simpson!

– The flight leaves at 7:10pm. Twins make it at the very last minute. Bowling Moms are the only ones stuck in Russia.

LINDA: Tickets to Cairo?

Heh. I think Arnold from Magic School Bus is happier than you right now, Linda.

– She redirects them to the Magical Yellow Building. Turns out Bowling Moms’ flight leaves tomorrow morning but will connect with all of the other teams in Frankfurt before Cairo. So the thirty seconds we thought that the Bowling Moms were screwed have already been corrected.

– Colin & Christie are in Paris at 6:30. They research further for flights. They discover there is a flight that leaves an hour from now and arrives in Cairo at 2:35 IN THE MORNING. Versus arriving at 2:25 IN THE AFTERNOON. This is the biggest advantage a team has had since TAR 1 when Kevin & Drew and Guidos were days behind Frank & Margarita and Rob & Brennan. Or David & Jeff who took an extended vacation in Hawaii.

– Teams are chatting in Frankfurt. Having fun. Charla and Mirna go to a ticket counter. They find a flight that arrives at 2:25pm. However there would be no way to get an advantage if the other teams see them at a different gate. Their solution?

Ah yes. The classic Trojan Horse of TAR manoeuvres. Attack the gates (of the terminal) when all is peaceful in Lufthansa. Luckily Lisi Linares isn’t around so they don’t have to worry about waking up too early to beat an old cat like her.

Marshall is dreaming of free and easy mobility in his knees.

The only person who is awake is whoever is capturing this dang footage. This is why TAR wins emmys. How the heck do you film this without revealing to the players what is going on?

– India music plays as Colin & Christie arrive in Cairo. The tower does not open until 9:00am so they camp outside. It’s a few years before the Arab Spring so it’s safe to sleep outside.

– Bowling Moms are still in Russia. They get on a flight.

– Everyone else wakes up to see Charla & Mirna gone. Bowling Moms come in though. Nicole concludes they are all tied for last. True.

– Colin & Christie in a full continent away are at the top of the tower opening up the clue.

It’s a fast forward. Lucky bastards. Christie jumps and screams in excitement. The first person ever to do so when seeing a fast forward. In seasons one to four this was a gigantic headache.

– Phil explains this is the first of two fast forwards.  No team can claim the fast forward more than once. In other words, being in first and claiming the fast forward to increase your lead once is fine. But doing it twice is completely ludicrous and instead someone else should have a turn.

PHIL: Teams have to decide when it’s most advantageous to go for it.

Uh, how about when there will be only one more offered and you have a seven hour lead? Would it be advantageous to go for it then, Phil?

– In this fast forward teams must transport the sarcophagus from a village and transport it onto a ferry that will take them to a small island on the other side.

I recall watching an Inspector Gadget educational video about Egypt in grade seven. He would say ‘sarcophagus’ in that funny Inspector Gadget voice. I have imitated him every single time I say the word ‘sarcophagus’. It’s a tough habit to break.

– Colin guarantees the sarcophagus is on the other side. They get to the other side and see no sarcophagus.

CIRIE FIELDS: Back across the ocean.

– So Colin & Christie return and see the sarcophagus within two seconds. Colin laughs for the first time this season.

COLIN: Don’t drop the dead body.

Colin knows this all too well.

– CHRISTIE: You know, you never trust me. I said sarcophagus was on the other side.
COLIN: You know what, Christie? We stopped over there because you stopped over there. We were coming to the ferry then you change your mind and said you wanted to stop over there.

The Egyptian priest is not happy with their lack of cohesiveness. For anyone familiar with Richard Marsh, I wish the priest would scream “The Beetle” twice just to freak them out.

– CHRISTIE (casually): Go to your next pit stop: The Sphinx.

Yeah, The Sphinx. No biggie. It’s not like one of the few remaining natural wonders of the world that has survived for thousands and thousands of years. Another place I know of thanks to Mario Is Missing.

– COLIN: We are at one of the most incredible places on the planet Earth. This is breathtakingly astonishing.

Lucky bastards.

The pit stop greeter is wincing. I think the beetle is overtaking his body.

Christie says ‘Awww’ when the pit stop greeter welcomes them. I can’t help but observe that to be condescending.

For the first and only time ever, a time stamp is shown for when a team arrives at the pit stop. It’s to demonstrate how far ahead they truly are. It is only minute 21 of the episode.

– Charla & Mirna get to the tower. They must go to Giza and find a path of yellow rocks to the next clue. Is another reference to Wizard of Oz in order?

– CHIP: Is this the Nile?
DRIVER: Yep.
CHIP: This is where Moses said ‘Let my people go!’

– MIRNA: Look at the pyramids. They’re huge!

Who knew the pyramids would be big.

– MIRNA: Where are the yellow rocks?
CHARLA: I don’t know. Why did we walk down here?

Hilarious. Charla just wanted to walk around the Pyramids for the fun of it. It reminds me of when Bender jumps into the pool of Slurm in the Slurm Factory and says ‘I don’t know. Just wanted to be a part of it.’

– All teams are on the way to Giza except Bowling Moms and Kamkar. Yes, they are in the last two spots once again. This time it’s the cab drivers and Customs that can be blamed.

– Bowling Moms are sixth. Kamkar are dead last.

– Not for long. Kamkar’s cab driver passes the Bowling Moms. Kamkar congratulates him and says he rocks.

– Lance mentions Marshall’s knee is in pain so they have to take it slow.

– Charla & Mirna are searching for the clue. They finally find it. Roadblock time.

In this roadblock one member must climb down to the base of Osiris Shaft. Grab a satchel at the bottom and climb back up to the surface. Hand it to the Egyptologist for your next clue.

Have fun.

– Kamkar nor Bowling Moms have found yellow rocks. We presume all of the teams ahead have found the rocks but not the roadblock.

KAREN: I want to catch up with the twins.

Er. Maybe not.

KAREN: Are you okay?
LINDA: No. I twisted my ankle in that whole. Thhhhhh.

Linda is channelling her inner Peter Griffin as she grabs her foot and grimaces in pain.

KAREN: Did you not see it?
LINDA: Obviously not.

I love cranky Linda.

– Mirna is concerned. Charla sings about things that are around her to calm herself down. Charla bends over to grab the satchel. Helmet cam shots are frequent.

The Egyptologist also bites his nails in concern. Nice ring, by the way. My bet it has a Superman ‘S’ on it.

MIRNA: We should’ve given her a whistle to signal for help.

A whistle, Mirna? Remember in Uruguay and Argentina where you guys tried to use a whistle? Might not be the best weapon of choice.

– Charla climbs back up and resurfaces. The Egyptologist hands them a map.

– Phil explains that teams need to use the map from the Egyptologist, and the puzzle pieces inside their satchel to figure out their next clue. Put the puzzle together inside the red square on the map and a hole will be found. That is where their next clue is hidden.

Like so. Really cool puzzle by production, eh?

– Charla and Mirna put the puzzle together but they do not have it on top of the map. Mirna wonders if the hole has anything to do with it. Seconds later Charla figures out the problem and they know where to go.

– Pizza Bros, Brandon & Nicole, and Chip & Kim all get to Osiris Shaft. Brandon is nervous because he does not like to go deep into holes that you can’t get out of (explains his virginity), Chip, and Lance a.k.a. The Guy Who Does Not Have Pain in His Knee.

CHIP: Alright BIG B! Show me how it’s done, doctor!

Chip has another stint of Cool Daditis. Who talks like that, really?

– Charla tells Mirna to jump onto the first step of the pyramid and peer out to see if she can spot the clue. It works. Detour time. Rock and roll or hump and ride. In rock and roll, teams must contact their inner slave as they use ancient tools to transport a six hundred pound rock across a hundred yards. In  hump and ride, transport carpet on a camel for one mile. At least a camel is not as uncomfortable as riding the elephants. Jon & Al can tell you all about that. And Brian Heidik.

– Charla & Mirna want to ride the camels because the rocks would be impossible for them even though they say they can do anything. The problem: Camel detour closes at 5:30pm. It’s 5:27pm. I don’t get what the point of calling it a detour is if it shuts down and turns into a one-way street but whatever. They’re off to run over the hill in three minutes.

– Brandon retrieves the bag. He is the first to compare it to Indiana Jones. I think Chip did too but I can’t quit hear him.

– Charla and Mirna ride horses while the Egyptians ride the camels. Charla is thrown onto the horse.

I love how the Egyptian says ‘Up-puh!’ as he balances Charla on his shoulder and thrusts her onto the horse.

MIRNA: You look like a true jockey!

Heh. Never thought of that. Really short people are stereotyped as jockeys. I bet Charla was one of the people who told Homer Simpson that he must lose the next race with Furious D.

– Charla goes into a speech of ‘if other people can’t do it why can’t I’ fest.

– Chip & Kim and Brandon & Nicole solve the puzzle together. Marshall leans on Lance as they walk up a short hill to get on a straightaway to the next clue.

– Charla & Mirna wrap up the detour. It’s off to the Sphinx they go.

– Chip & Kim, Brandon & Nicole, and Pizza Bros are at the “detour”. This is because the camel task is indeed closed. Brandon is happy he does not have to hump and ride.

– Kamkar spot Osiris’ shaft from a distance. Kami is doing the roadblock. She gets down and shouts up what a satchel looks like. How about that enormous bag in the water?

– Nicole and Kim explain pulling the concrete block. Chip is working like a slave pulling the blocks. Brandon is doing well. Pizza Bros have moved nowhere. I hear Marshall may or may not have an injury that will prevent him from being much help. It is essentially a second roadblock for Lance.

– Charla & Mirna get the Lawrence of Arabia music for five minutes but it comes to an end as they finish second. Charla talks about how she can do anything AGAIN.

–  Kami stares into the water.

At least she knows the routine by now. Stare what you need in the face and maybe after a third or fourth attempt you shall receive.
But Kami finds it! She is running a near perfect leg despite being in sixth. Oh the twins are coming around. How the twins are coming around.

– Bowling Moms have a flashlight on but see nothing. See no clue, hear no clue.

– Kamkar open up the map and examine the puzzle pieces.

Karli literally pushes the puzzle pieces aside. What do you mean it is for something else? Bartering? Toilet paper? Tickets back home? Why would it be useful for any time other than now?!

– KARLI (pointing at the map): That’s where we need to go next!

Kami comes in with a valid question though.

Well because. . .well. . .hmm. You are onto something, Kami. Perhaps pointing at a blank map isn’t the place we should go after all.

KAMI: Karli and I don’t have a plan. We don’t know where we’re going.
.
.
.
We’re clueless.

I have never agreed with anything you have said more than what just came out of your mouth. I love the double entendre in that statement. Clueless literally and mentally when it comes to The Amazing Race.

– Kamkar consult the blank map and figure out which way is north. This is too much.

– Karen is doing the roadblock because of Linda’s ankle. Marshall’s knee, Charla’s height disadvantage, Linda’s ankle, Kamkar’s reading comprehension, it’s all disabilities that impede their progress in the race. It’s why Colin & Christie are ahead by a minimum of seven hours.

– CHIP: We are like a well oiled machine now, baby girl!
BRANDON: Hey Chip! Can you help a brother out?
CHIP: Sure.

Chip casually pulls six hundred pound blocks and returns to his station.

CHIP: It might come back to bite me but it’s in my nature to help.

Right?

– Karen pulls the satchel. They solve the puzzle and are going to the hole.

– Chip & Kim finish the detour. So do Brandon & Nicole.

– Kamkar run into Chip & Kim. They ask if they’re going the wrong way. The wrong way from what? Your map is BLANK!

– Chip agrees to quickly lead them to the clue. Chip does it to make up for the taxi clash in leg two.

CHIP: I love you guys. Forgive me now, Kami!
KAMI: Okay, you’re redeemed!

Chip is redeemed. But can we honestly say the same about Kami who eff up again and again and again…and again? This is leg 5. Four agains should be in that sentence.

– Brandon & Nicole are third. Chip’s generosity boosts them up a spot.

– Chip & Kim check in fourth place.

CHIP: I’m thinking. . .fourth? Helping Kami & Karli let Brandon & Nicole pass us. I’m not gonna be a pushover but I’m not gonna stop being me.

He says it in a tough fashion. It’s funny. Chip is saying that he is a nice guy and he doesn’t care but makes it come off like he will beat you.

Is that an Egyptian artifact laying about? No it’s Kami ducking for cover from figuring out these clues. But seriously she tripped and fell. No ankle twisted luckily.

– Pizza Bros are close to finishing. Kamkar pull but nothing moves.

Muttley over there is taking in all of the action. He has been watching Egyptians pull these stone blocks for three thousand years.

– Egyptians clap as Pizza Bros finish.

– Kamkar are done the detour before the Bowling Moms get to the blocks.

– Pizza Bros check in the pit stop in fifth place.

– Two seconds later Bowling Moms are shown finishing the detour. No way you do it with a twisted ankle.

– Kamkar and Bowling Moms race to pit stop. Might be Osiris’ shaft search sound byte but Bowling Moms exclaim they see the twins still looking. It might be in reference to The Sphinx because the twins could have gotten lost in such a small area. Not the most shocking thing to occur.

– A few seconds of suspense but Kamkar do indeed check in. They’re sixth.

– Bowling Moms check in last place.

PHIL: Linda & Karen, you’re the last team to arrive.
LINDA: Yeah, we kinda figured that.
ME: Yep. They’re last. Eliminate them. Non-eliminations are not until last leg. I’ve seen all the seasons Phil. We know there aren’t any tricks to the format outside of TAR 3’s 5-5-3. Too early for non-eliminations to start. Finish them.

PHIL: However, I am pleased to tell you Logan is a presumptuous f— and that this is the first of four pre-determined non-elimination legs and you’re both still in the race.
PHIL: The bad news is that there’s a new twist in this race. I need you to empty out your pockets and your wallet and give me all your money. Whatever you’ve got just hand it over to me.

Nope. Still not enough for me to retire. Looks like I’ll have to host at least fifteen more seasons.

PHIL: In addition, at the start of the next leg you will receive no money. You’re still in this but you’re hanging on by a thread. The question is how are you going to stay in the race without a penny to your name? Good luck, get some rest, cause I think you’re gonna need it.

Is this allowed? Get workin, Bowling Moms!

LINDA: We have no money and we’re in Egypt where everybody is poor.

Please refer to my suggestion in the previous picture. Thanks.

Next time on TAR: Bowling Moms sell apples for money. Brandon takes off his shirt. Colin & Christie are face-to-face with Charla & Mirna. You know that’s good. Also there will be a ton of panty shots. No joke. Next episode will have a ton of panty shots. I promise you.

Brandon&Nicole 4.3
Kami&Karli 6
Linda&Karen 5.2
Marshall&Lance 5.3
Charla&Mirna 7.6
Colin&Christie 7.4
Chip&Kim 8.1

12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8

9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF

Rank the Legs
——-

1) St. Petersburg -> Giza (Ancient Egypt? The race goes to freakin Ancient Egypt?! God this leg was memorable. Egypt never entered my mind as a destination. The leg was very up and down for all of the teams. Unless you’re Colin & Christie. Yeah there was a stupid Fast Forward but it had no bearing on this leg. Colin & Christie finished with perhaps the biggest lead at a pit stop. Kamkar effs up with a puzzle, Linda effs up her ankle, and Marshall effs up his knee. Nobody was safe. Well, actually everyone was safe. I remember how blown away I was when the last place team lost all of their money and would have zero money for the next leg. My biggest complaint about the first four seasons of TAR had been eliminated. All of the viewers speculated how much of an impact having zero dollars to your name would paralyze you in the race. Charla & Mirna’s Trojan attack in the airport was pretty good too. This is the best non-elimination leg as well because TAR broke the predictable structure of 6-5-4-3 or 5-5-3. Even though there is only four non-eliminations we see it first occur with seven teams which was a necessary shake-up for the race. It forced you to run hard on every leg. Best location ever for the race and a very memorable episode.)

2) San Carlos de Bariloche -> St. Petersburg (I have nothing bad to say about this leg. Mirna continued her path of destruction with other teams as she interrupts Colin and hurls nasty insults. In addition she taunts teams at the roadblock for good measure. If nobody knew who Colin was last episode, they certainly did this episode as he once again stepped in the leader role and booked bus tickets for four teams. They in turn gave them the best flight available. Speaking of flights, the journey from Patagonia to St. Petersburg is perhaps my favourite of all-time in the series. There were five–FIVE planes! Editors should be given an Emmy for editing an episode that likely lasted four or five days into a 40 minute block. Seriously. The tasks were very inspired too. Vodka at midnight, hockey shots with amateurs, and eating the delicacy known as caviar. Do the rich have terrible taste? Chip & Kim’s random jump from being next to last several times into being first place and passing the mactors was great. Nicole and Christie’s reaction to the caviar was one of the funniest things I had seen on the race. Nicole nearly goes unconscious because she doesn’t like the food! The pit stop location is pretty dang epic. Brandon & Nicole cutting ties with their closest allies was also entertaining for its short-sighted move. Overall a very very very good episode of TAR. Even if we lose Bob & Joyce.)

3) Buenos Aires -> San Carlos de Bariloche (Awesome leg. Pizza Bros’ confrontation with Mirna is so quotable. I have imitated Marshall saying “I hate her sooo much” at least once a month. I have yet to get the accent down. The frenzy in the airport is one of the series’ best. Brandon & Nikki betraying Mirna was great. Mirna wondering why everyone treats her so badly by then pulling an underhanded move on Pizza Bros was great. Colin joining in on the bashing by saying “we have to beat the midget!” creates a clear theme for the season. No taxis are present in this leg which is always awesome. The tasks are great considering how small of a space they are in. Well rounded. Oh, and Kamkar swimming to the pit stop.)

4) Montevideo -> Buenos Aires (Mega discos are awesome. Charla asking directions from a prostitute. Kamkar and Chip & Kim get into a mud fight thinking they are last place but it turns out it was all for naught and in fact the face-off in the cab nearly had Alison & Donny catch up. Taxi vs. Bus dilemma was good because it made you think short term versus long term. At the time Alison’s elimination was a bonus because the stunt casting team would not be able to corrupt more than two episodes. The only negative is that we had to see dogs having sex.)

5) Santa Monica -> Maldonado (Although it is this low it is by no means a bad premiere. It’s a great premiere. Jim’s knee injury, Charla & Mirna’s craziness, Chip, Kim, Kamkar, and Donny ignoring a preposition in the clue would be enough to have this premiere be the best leg in any season. But this is TAR 5. There’s just too many memorable and entertaining legs that topple the premiere. The fact Jim & Marsha survive and boring couple Dennis & Erika are first out was one of the better scenarios. Biggest negative for the leg is that the semi-celebrity team is the one that wins the leg. Nearly everyone in the audience thought Alison’s win on this leg was rigged. Obviously this would prove to not be the case. There was also too many equalizers.)

Rank the Teams
—-

3) Dennis & Erika

Why is it that I have nothing to say about the first couple that gets eliminated in each season? They are likely underdeveloped and are branded with zero personality so we do not care about them. Matt & Ana, Hope & Norm, Debra & Steve, and now Dennis & Erika. Dennis played the nice guy to the point it was irritating. All because he could not handle being labeled as a scumbag which none of the other teams really meant too seriously. I doubt anyone cared about their storyline of getting back together and being re-engaged.

3) Alison & Donny

I never approved of Alison being cast on the race. Although Big Brother is not too popular internationally I would say it is still unfair to the other players. Why not cast someone who has yet to appear on one of the big three reality shows? Instead Alison is cast solely for her name. We are lucky that the couple’s extreme lack of compatibility made them have the most ridiculous fights ever seen on TAR, and we are also lucky they did it in an honest and non-camera whoring fashion. They earned their airtime by winning the first leg then falling to last place on the next. I just wished TAR didn’t continue the practice of casting d-list celebrities in the future.

2) Bob & Joyce

The Internet dating couple. Both lost a spouse to cancer but on the race discovered they truly loved each other. They were at the front of the pack for most of the race until a business class ticket screwed them over. Bob looking humorously old and Joyce’s wacky attitude only made them more likeable. They were the first older team outside of Teri & Ian that I truly liked in TAR. Sure Bob got into an odd fight with my man Chip, but hey, who knows how much of that two second clip was set up by editing. It sucks how they went out.

1) Jim & Marsha

One of my favourite teams. Who wasn’t disappointed to see them go early? They nearly miss the first flight of the game because Jim tripped on the pier and had a nail go into his knee. A ton of blood. They were nice and polite to the other teams but remained competitive. Incidentally the only time they finished outside of last place (or next to last place) is a leg that did not involve planes. Sometimes the bad luck is not with the taxis but rather with airports.

They are also the first father-daughter team to be on the race.

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