What most people do when I post a link to my blog.
Previously on TAR: Alliances are broken.
MIRNA: They’re buying tickets for you.
NICOLE: No, no!
MARSHA: Hey Nicole, we put you on the 10:30 flight.
I really didn’t think this lie through.
Mirna fights with Marshall. Jim & Marsha were screwed over at the airport. Teams paraglide. Then Jim & Marsha get eliminated. You are now caught up.
– We’re in San Carrlos de Bariloche. Teams walked (or in Kamkar’s case, swam) here for a twelve hour rest period. Will Chip & Kim languish (new word in Phil’s Kiwi vocab?) or will Brandon & Nicole continue to make short-term allies only to leave them in the dust?
– Colin & Christie arrived at 3:10pm. Therefore they depart at 3:10am. Clue says go to the Battleship Aurora which fired the first shot of the Russian Revolution. Pack your bags kids cause TAR is going to St. Petersberg, Russia! Over eight thousand effin miles from the southwest of South America to the most northeastern point of Europe. Incredible. But first teams must ride a bus to Buenos Aires.
Didn’t we fly from Buenos Aires to Bariloche in the previous leg? Was there only enough production money to fly teams to Bariloche but not out?
– Nicole wants to share the love of the Lord but be as ruthless as possible on the race. Did anyone tell her there is zero benefit to being ruthless in the early legs of TAR? This ain’t Survivor.
– Colin talks to a worker at the bus station.
Mirna enters and watches the conversation.
But can’t wait her turn. Mirna undergoes a self-fulfilling prophecy that none of the teams will work with her. Obviously no one will work with you if you CUT OFF THEIR DANG CONVERSATIONS!
– Mirna’s response to Colin?
MIRNA: I do but I’d love to speak to him too. He’s the only person here.
COLIN: Well we got hours and hours. So go sit over there–or stay right there.
MIRNA: I’m gonna stand right here. You can do whatever the hell you want to do.
Colin objects to Mirna’s actions. Although Mirna is an actual lawyer. She will find a way out of it.
COLIN: Mirna might be the rudest person I’ve ever met in my life.
Time to prepare the room of plastic.
– 5:04am now. Kamkar check out of pit stop.
KAMKAR: Being twins can be tough. We have the same strengths and no way to balance out the weaknesses.
Well I’d say.
– Bowling Moms depart. Chip & Kim are tired of being bottom feeders. Bowling Moms drive in the wrong direction.
– Pizza Bros depart at 5:34am. They fight at home but here they get along. Their hatred of Mirna has bonded them.
– Chip & Kim are lost too. Them and the Bowling Moms are last two teams at the bus station.
– Joyce counts off the numbers in the line. Everyone has a position one through seven.
– Colin talks to the worker who is no doubt being bombarded by all eight teams. He tells Colin there is a later bus it will arrive at the same time as the earlier bus because it has less stops. I also just noticed that Colin looks a lot like Dwight K. Schrute.
Colin does not look like somebody who finds The Office too funny. Especially in 2012.
– Pizza Bros switch counters behind Colin & Christie. Charla & Mirna join them. Colin asks if the same order should be maintained. Joyce confirms.
MIRNA: Well then we were second here–
LANCE: Don’t talk to me.
Talk to the hand because his chubby mouth does not want to listen. Next he’ll yell for Charla to get in muh bell-eh.
Not impressed nobody will work with her.
– KAMKAR (from the back of the lineup): Are we all gonna respect each other’s order or not? Because I’m tired of being pushed back.
CHIP: What was the order?
LANCE: It’s a new order. It’s a different line. Are we gonna maintain that line for the rest of the day? Why would we do that?
CHIP: Then. . .I’ll just be up here.
BOB: You’re not kidding anybody, Chip. We know what you’re doing.
CHIP: You know what, Bob? Let me tell you something–
BOB: Big setup, big setup buddy.
CHIP: I’m going to be in front of you.
CHARLA: We didn’t fool–we didn’t cut in front of you.
CHRISTIE: We were willing to do you a favour.
MIRNA: Have you ever done anyone in your life a favour? To do us a favour?
CHRISTIE (off guard): Y-yes! Are you kidding me?
MIRNA: We have god and we have ourselves. We don’t need a favour from you.
This is the most chaos I have seen in a bus station at seven o’ clock in the morning. I can only imagine the people behind the counter watching sixteen players, and sixteen TAR personnel all go at it in a small bus station first thing in the morning. This is one for the memoirs.
– Colin bought tickets for Chip & Kim, Pizza Bros, and Brandon & Nicole. The goal was to keep Charla & Mirna off the bus. Colin says there is a new alliance of their four teams against everyone else.
– MIRNA: I am so happy I am on a different bus and do not have to see that criminal’s face.
A criminal because he runs an illegal beet farm. Or he’s sexy and he knows it. One of the two.
– Brandon pitches the idea for all four teams to go to a travel agency and search for the best flight to St. Petersburg, Russia.
– KAMKAR: We are stuck on a bus with no Internet and no cell phone service. We are completely on our own.
What type of buses are they used to riding?!
– LANCE: One team can go earlier than the rest of the teams. We have no problem with them [Colin & Christie] going.
So Colin & Christie have the best tickets. The other three will be on the following flight.
– Buenos Aires time. Scramble into the taxis. Charla & Mirna, Bowling Moms, Widows, then Kamkar in the taxis.
– Express bus arrives a few minutes later. Brandon is second guessing their travel plan agreements. They did not want to get bunched up.
BRANDON: We want to try and not let anyone know what we’re doing when we get to the airport.
– Charla & Mirna ask for a flight. It’s full. Priority standby will do.
– Everyone is off to different ticket counters.
– KAREN: We decided to work with Kami and Karli to get tickets.
Milk was a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad choice.
– Brandon is calling the travel agent in Bariloche to find out if there’s still room on the first flight with Colin. Is there space available?
Angel choir music begins to play. I’m serious. TAR used that track. The angels are a sign because Brandon does indeed get on the flight.
– Phil tells us Colin is traveling through Sao Paulo and Paris through to St. Petersburg. They are alone on the flight. Something tells me this will get confusing.
– Brandon & Nicole get on a British Airways flight. It gets awkward when Chip & Kim and Pizza Bros creep on them. Brandon mumbles a lot. They get their tickets. No one else can because it’s full.
KIM: We can’t get mad at them. They’re playing the game.
LANCE: I’m not mad at them. But they’re scumbags.
Please note Survivor: Guatemala did not air yet. So Judd took all of his inspiration from TAR 5.
– Phil tells us Brandon & Nicole are flying through Sao Paulo and London.
– Swiss Airlines flight does not pan out for Mirna.
– Pizza Bros and Chip & Kim are traveling through Madrid and Frankfurt.
– Bob & Joyce get tickets on Air France. Turns out ticket agent decided to be a d— because she gave them business class tickets. YOU’RE USELESS! We are reminded of the race rule that you cannot buy business class tickets on the race unless it’s for the same price as economy.
– Mirna travels around to the other offices. Although this picture would suggest she’s shopping in a grocery store.
Charla is sitting in the cart. If she is good while Mirna uses her coupons and takes advantage of things on sale, Charla will be able to pick out a candy bar. It can’t have nuts though. Charla is allergic to nuts.
– Widows are on a Madrid flight with Bowling Moms and Kamkar. While Bowling Moms and Kamkar have another connection through Paris, Widows take a later flight through Frankfurt.
That is five f—ing flights.
– Charla & Mirna fall to dead last. A group cancelled though (likely production) and are connecting through Frankfurt.
– We are no doubt fast forwarding a good day or two. Charla & Mirna see Pizza Bros and Chip & Kim in Frankfurt.
MIRNA: It’s my favourite people.
LANCE: Well that’s uh, Mirna and Schmirna.
So it looks like Charla & Mirna are nowhere near last.
– We are now in St. Petersburg. Colin’s airport savvy has given him and Christie a good lead. Winter gear and snow everywhere. Brandon & Nicole are shown landing shortly thereafter.
Look at that get up!
– Detour time. Block five shots or Drink one time.
Which means the return of the turtleneck. Second of the season. Phil explains blocking five shots requires a team to get into a hockey goal and block five shots from a junior team. Drink one shot means you must each balance a glass of vodka on a sword and consume it while it still balances. The hall where vodka will be consumed is further away than the hockey arena.
– Brandon & Nicole get to hockey rink. Nicole wants to drink. Brandon meanwhile wants to do hockey because his faith is with the Lord and thus Thou Shall Not Drink is this week’s sermon.
– Anchov Palace for Colin & Christie. How can you not choose to go here on the race? There’s people doing the Kankan.
Commie got moves.
Am I the only one who thinks Colin, vodka, and nine sabers do not equal a fun night? Inspiration for The Hangover 3? He might hang Charla from the rafters in a drunken rage.
– Christie is in the process of drinking the vodka.
COLIN: Put your mouth against it, put your mouth against it. Hold it with your lips. Hold it with your lips.
He had too much joy in instructing Christie to do this as she drank. It’s time to find the Bronze Horse which is dedicated to Peter the Great.
– They find the statue. They must now go to the Old Tower Restaurant in the town of Puschkin.
– Brandon & Nicole struggle through the hockey task but complete it before any other teams fly in. I wish Phil reminded us how far apart these flights were. Brandon & Nicole must be a half hour behind Colin & Christie then hours ahead of the next pack.
– Charla & Mirna, Pizza Bros, then Chip & Kim get into taxis. Chip points out they are at the back of the pack. He forgot there is still two other flights.
– Brandon & Nicole find the Bronze Horseman.
– Old Tower Restaurant time.
“Who has a taste for the good life?”
Phil says that person must eat one kilogram of caviar. He makes the imperial conversion and says it is ‘just over 2 pounds’. Does Phil not know it is 2.2 pounds? That’s a basic trivia question.
– Christie does the roadblock. If only Colin liked chocolate as well as caviar. Her first reaction to the caviar?
Don’t forget to tip the waiter!
– COLIN: Mix it with the juice. Half and half. Do you want to try mixing it with the juice? Have you tried mixing it with the juice? Why won’t you try mixing it with the juice?
CHRISTIE: Because! Justleavemealone!
That’s right. No spaces. She says it all in one breath. Note how clenched that neck is to the point you see the arteries. Scary stuff.
This is a first. Colin is frightened. He is scared. History is being made.
Touche, Ms. Texas.
– Charla & Mirna find the battleship clue. We can see the yield sign in the background. Production has ignored the Yield since the season premiere. They will do vodka. But then Mirna says she wants to do hockey. Comedic music plays as Mirna puts on a jock strap and Charla complains her ass is too big for the equipment. How small are the kids if even Charla’s booty struggles to find its way in the equipment? Geez.
– CHARLA: I feel soooo protected. Thanks for not doing the shots MIRNA for not drinking vodka!
– Christie is crumbling before the caviar. Colin comes over to pet her hair, pull it back, and whisper in her ear like a bad romance novel. The dark lighting does not help making us think Colin has completely clean intentions.
– Meanwhile in Happy Music Land, Charla and Mirna get in goal. I’d shoot in the gaping hole above Charla’s head every time if I was one of the players. Top right corner!
– Pizza Bros successfully drink vodka. They finish and ask for directions. Locals can say it is walking distance. Lance insists it is a race but they walk anyway.
– Chip’s reaction to drinking vodka:
In Soviet Russia, bottom feeders are in the middle?
– Lance screams at those foreigners to tell him if they really know where to go.
– Chip & Kim do the detour. Then they ride ahead to the Bronze Horseman in third place.
– Charla & Mirna complete the detour.
Some people say Charla is a Little Person. This photo says she does not look like any type of person at all.
– LANCE: There! It’s a horse!
MARSHALL: My knees are killing me! People that are heavy having problems with their knees and I’ll just have to fight through it.
LANCE: Your legs are that bad?
MARSHALL: You have no idea the pain I’m in.
“I’m in pain, dammit!”
I don’t know why but Eve Madison’s pain quote from being in the punt in TAR 3 episode 3 is the first thing that came to mind.
– Brandon & Nicole read the roadblock clue.
BRANDON: You’ve got a taste for the good life. You’re Miss Texas, baby!
BRANDON: Baby, caviar, it’ll go like that!
(BRANDON sees the caviar.)
BANDON: . . .Oh.
Nicole asks Christie if the caviar is bad. Her answer:
Either she is saying the caviar is bad or she is hurting from Colin taking a bite out of her neck.
– BRANDON: What’s it like?
NICOLE: It’s like swallowing a giant loogie. Or a logie. Some people call me Logie. I probably don’t taste too good.
– Charla & Mirna find Old Tower Restaurant.
– NICOLE: I’m full.
BRANDON: I don’t think anyone will be able to do it.
COLIN: Oh, they’ll do it. If you have the motivation you’ll do it.
– CHIP (inside cab): I wanna get to the front of the pack somehow. And the way we’re gonna do it is at the roadblock.
– Chip volunteers to do roadblock.
Fast music plays. Chip starts eating and then takes a drink of juice. Christie and Nicole watch.
Chip’s vinegar face agrees but he quickly spits “No!” and continues eating.
– Lance enters. He’ll do the roadblock.
– Charla says she’ll eat the caviar. It weighs more than her.
– We are treated to a Rocky-like montage of Chip finishing the caviar. Lance says Chip is the man. Everyone sits in silence.
– Pit stop time. For the second leg this season, teams will ride a horse drawn carriage to St. Catherine’s Palace.
CHIP: We’re number one, we’re number one!
KIM: You think so?
CHIP: I think so Boopy Koopa.
When a pet name goes too far.
– Charla & Mirna are at the roadblock with all three teams that hate them the most. Mirna eggs everyone on as Charla progresses through the roadblock.
MIRNA: Charla is clearly the strongest woman here.
COLIN: I hate that woman. We need to get out of here.
The hate for Mirna motivates Christie to finish. She pushes it away as her allies applaud her performance.
– Chip and Kim run up the steps.
CHIP: Oh the caviar! Oh the caviar!
It’s so funny the way he yells it. My blog won’t be able to justify it (or much of anything) in words. Kim is giggling.
The pit stop greeter is none other than Rah-rah-Rasputin!
Or Osama Bin Laden upon a closer look. That’s where he was hiding!
CHIP: No way man!
I don’t know if they’re using the same sound byte from leg one because I do not see his lips move, but I wouldn’t be surprised either way.
CHIP: I love being a front runner baby! I’m no longer a bottom feed, no longer a bottom feeder, baby. Number one is where we need to stay!
His hands are spinning in a circle as he says it too. Classic.
– BRANDON: You okay?
NICOLE: I just feel so sick. So dizzy.
Jeff Probst would chime in to say she is taking a million dollar nap. Brandon and Colin eat chocolate but Miss Texas contestants were forced to eat caviar.
– Lance and Charla both finish the roadblock as Nicole shakes her legs (voluntarily as opposed to involuntarily).
– Seven minutes left in the show and completely forgot there’s a flight with two more teams. Marshall & Lance check in. I wonder how Marshall’s knees responded to walking up the steps? They’re team number three.
– Kamkar then Bowling Moms both arrive at the battleship. They both independently choose to drink vodka.
– Widows are now in St. Petersburg. Yeesh. These three teams are getting an extremely rushed edit for this leg. Bob & Joyce are going to play hockey.
– Kamkar barely pass Bowling Moms in vodka. Only Linda was behind.
– Widows are blocking pucks. Joyce trash talks the hockey players. Hilarious. They eventually block five shots. We don’t know how long it takes.
What is she? Luna saying ‘goodbye’ to her viewers after an episode of Big Comfy Couch? I can only imagine what vodka would do to her system.
– Everyone is heading to the roadblock. Nicole senses this and sits back in her big boy chair and completes it. Brandon tells her to punish it, she’s at the goal line, and that there’s only three more big bites. My mom tells her daycare kids the same thing when she feeds them their food. Nicole is growing up on this race.
– Brandon and Nicole kiss so Nicole can spread her Soviet germs.
– Kamkar faces off against Linda. Linda is able to finish her food first because mama always taught her to eat her food.
– KAREN: We beat the twins in an eating contest. Imagine that!
I am sure Linda’s husband is turned on by her caviar consumption skills.
– KAMI (OR KARLI): You need to do this. Time is of the essence.
– Kamkar finishes it. They check in.
Which one do you think ate the caviar?
– Sad piano music plays as Joyce eats her caviar. The caviar is salty but she is not shown complaining once. They talk about how finding each other was a rare shot at second love.
What about the guy from Workaholics who talks about the importance of third love?
They talk about finding each other and how lucky they are blah blah blah. Phil philiminates them and they embrace on the mat. A good time was had by all.
– Next time on TAR: Everyone is shown tripping and falling on sand. Brandon and Nicole are kissing. And Charla gets lost in a cave. That’s right. Brandon and Nicole kissing is supposed to be a reason for people to tune in next round.
My question: There were actually diehard fans of Brandon AND/OR Nicole?!
P.S. We witness why the new Fast Forward format is so stupid.
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
Rank the Legs
1) San Carlos de Bariloche -> St. Petersburg (I have nothing bad to say about this leg. Mirna continued her path of destruction with other teams as she interrupts Colin and hurls nasty insults. In addition she taunts teams at the roadblock for good measure. If nobody knew who Colin was last episode, they certainly did this episode as he once again stepped in the leader role and booked bus tickets for four teams. They in turn gave them the best flight available. Speaking of flights, the journey from Patagonia to St. Petersburg is perhaps my favourite of all-time in the series. There were five–FIVE planes! Editors should be given an Emmy for editing an episode that likely lasted four or five days into a 40 minute block. Seriously. The tasks were very inspired too. Vodka at midnight, hockey shots with amateurs, and eating the delicacy known as caviar. Do the rich have terrible taste? Chip & Kim’s random jump from being next to last several times into being first place and passing the mactors was great. Nicole and Christie’s reaction to the caviar was one of the funniest things I had seen on the race. Nicole nearly goes unconscious because she doesn’t like the food! The pit stop location is pretty dang epic. Brandon & Nicole cutting ties with their closest allies was also entertaining for its short-sighted move. Overall a very very very good episode of TAR. Even if we lose Bob & Joyce.)
2) Buenos Aires -> San Carlos de Bariloche (Awesome leg. Pizza Bros’ confrontation with Mirna is so quotable. I have imitated Marshall saying “I hate her sooo much” at least once a month. I have yet to get the accent down. The frenzy in the airport is one of the series’ best. Brandon & Nikki betraying Mirna was great. Mirna wondering why everyone treats her so badly by then pulling an underhanded move on Pizza Bros was great. Colin joining in on the bashing by saying “we have to beat the midget!” creates a clear theme for the season. No taxis are present in this leg which is always awesome. The tasks are great considering how small of a space they are in. Well rounded. Oh, and Kamkar swimming to the pit stop.)
3) Montevideo -> Buenos Aires (Mega discos are awesome. Charla asking directions from a prostitute. Kamkar and Chip & Kim get into a mud fight thinking they are last place but it turns out it was all for naught and in fact the face-off in the cab nearly had Alison & Donny catch up. Taxi vs. Bus dilemma was good because it made you think short term versus long term. At the time Alison’s elimination was a bonus because the stunt casting team would not be able to corrupt more than two episodes. The only negative is that we had to see dogs having sex.)
4) Santa Monica -> Maldonado (Although it is this low it is by no means a bad premiere. It’s a great premiere. Jim’s knee injury, Charla & Mirna’s craziness, Chip, Kim, Kamkar, and Donny ignoring a preposition in the clue would be enough to have this premiere be the best leg in any season. But this is TAR 5. There’s just too many memorable and entertaining legs that topple the premiere. The fact Jim & Marsha survive and boring couple Dennis & Erika are first out was one of the better scenarios. Biggest negative for the leg is that the semi-celebrity team is the one that wins the leg. Nearly everyone in the audience thought Alison’s win on this leg was rigged. Obviously this would prove to not be the case. There was also too many equalizers.)
Rank the Teams
3) Dennis & Erika
Why is it that I have nothing to say about the first couple that gets eliminated in each season? They are likely underdeveloped and are branded with zero personality so we do not care about them. Matt & Ana, Hope & Norm, Debra & Steve, and now Dennis & Erika. Dennis played the nice guy to the point it was irritating. All because he could not handle being labeled as a scumbag which none of the other teams really meant too seriously. I doubt anyone cared about their storyline of getting back together and being re-engaged.
3) Alison & Donny
I never approved of Alison being cast on the race. Although Big Brother is not too popular internationally I would say it is still unfair to the other players. Why not cast someone who has yet to appear on one of the big three reality shows? Instead Alison is cast solely for her name. We are lucky that the couple’s extreme lack of compatibility made them have the most ridiculous fights ever seen on TAR, and we are also lucky they did it in an honest and non-camera whoring fashion. They earned their airtime by winning the first leg then falling to last place on the next. I just wished TAR didn’t continue the practice of casting d-list celebrities in the future.
2) Bob & Joyce
The Internet dating couple. Both lost a spouse to cancer but on the race discovered they truly loved each other. They were at the front of the pack for most of the race until a business class ticket screwed them over. Bob looking humorously old and Joyce’s wacky attitude only made them more likeable. They were the first older team outside of Teri & Ian that I truly liked in TAR. Sure Bob got into an odd fight with my man Chip, but hey, who knows how much of that two second clip was set up by editing. It sucks how they went out.
1) Jim & Marsha
One of my favourite teams. Who wasn’t disappointed to see them go early? They nearly miss the first flight of the game because Jim tripped on the pier and had a nail go into his knee. A ton of blood. They were nice and polite to the other teams but remained competitive. Incidentally the only time they finished outside of last place (or next to last place) is a leg that did not involve planes. Sometimes the bad luck is not with the taxis but rather with airports.
They are also the first father-daughter team to be on the race.