Previously on TAR: Ten teams left Uruguay. Mirna tango’d. Mirna nearly missed the boat. Alison and Donny turned on each other. Jim & Marsha felt set up by the Bowling Moms. Former failing allies Chip & Kim and Karmkar fought over a cab when they were convinced nobody could be as stupid as them over these past two legs. They were wrong because they forgot a team from Big Brother was cast on this season.
– Intro time.
– Phil introduces us to Buenos Aires. On the countryside is an Argentine estate. Not as luxurious as a hotel on the ocean. Questions from Phil: Will former allies Chip & Kim and Kamkar remain enemies? And will the twins move out of last place?
Why is Phil suddenly lacking his inquisitive nature at the beginning of an episode? What’s wrong with you, man?
– Brandon & Nicole, who arrived at 11:50am, will depart at 11:50pm. That means the previous leg lasted only eleven hours considering Alison & Donny checked out at 12:48am at the start of leg two. Montevideo, Buenos Aires, and a countryside can all be visited in one morning.
We miss the land of Buenos Aires that before this I had only known because of Mario Is Missing.
And head to San Carlos de Bariloche, a small town in Patagonia. What’s Patagonia? Translation: Some place high up in the Andes. They must search for Mayor Al Bundy for their next clue.
– Brandon & Nicole are dating long distance and seeing if they are compatible.
– Charla & Mirna are working together well according to Charla. Mirna has formed an alliance with Brandon & Nicole because they are also god fearing people.
– The roads are muddy. Nicole ends up getting the car stuck in the mud. Nicole shouts at Mirna to pull over. Friends who lead together also fall to the back of the pack together.
– Jim & Marsha exit nearly thirty minutes later. Marsha thinks going from tenth to third crowns them the comeback kids.
– Brandon sees that his right shoe is muddy beyond belief. He is disgusted. His solution to eliminate the mud off his shoe?
Sock in mud. Ah. Much better now. No way this can be worse.
– A kid in a tractor rescues Brandon & Nicole right away.
– Charla is making her way back. She is having a tough time balancing.
So she supports herself with an electric barbed wire fence.
CHARLA: I just got electrocuted! I got electrocuted!
The most shocking thing to happen so far on the race.
– Mirna believes that Brandon & Nicole will help them if they ever get stuck as a repayment of debt.
– Charla and Mirna head straight.
BRANDON: Turn left.
NICOLE: Why are they heading straight?
BRANDON: Well it’s not the right way. We can’t be stopping too much for everyone.
MIRNA: Is nobody behind us? That’s what we get for trusting somebody.
Hilarious. Charla and Mirna help out a team who turns around and betrays them for the THIRD episode in a row. They must not be popular.
– Bowling Moms and Widows check out of the pit stop. Linda helps Karen break out of her shell. Joyce thinks mental agility is the key for an older team to win.
I live in a retirement town. Bob must live near me because I see him all the time:
Coming to a retirement home near you! Joyce is wearing over-the-top glasses too.
– Charla pulls over to a corner store and mimes an airplane. Mirna screams for her to get back in the car.
– Up tempo intense music plays as Colin & Christie check out of the pit stop. Colin is sizing up the competition and believes he can win.
– Brandon & Nicole arrive at the airport. First flight is sold out. Next one is at 10:30am. You cannot reserve them over the phone. Only the ultra competitive TAR ticket counter is the way to go.
– Mental agility fails Bowling Moms and the Widows. They pull over to the side of the road.
– Colin sees his competition. He pulls over to lead the group.
Your mental agility will fall to the powers of my shaking Jazz hands. Please note my hair is slicked back.
– The teams agree to follow Colin to the airport. He grins in the car. His strategy is to help everyone in the beginning so he can get that faithful piece of information when it counts at the end. Good luck with that.
– Pizza Bros. get a flat tire.
– Chip & Kim check out at 1:08am. Kim concludes there is no such thing as an alliance on TAR. That is the smartest thing Chip or Kim have said the whole race.
– Kamkar check out at 1:13am.
– The Pizza Bros. read a manual in the car that tells them how to change a tire. They lose thirteen minutes.
LANCE: Who said two fat Jewish guys couldn’t change a tire?
The answer: No one has ever said that. Except me. When I think of people who can help with tires that need changing, I instantly black list all fat Jewish guys in my local phone book.
– Mirna is at the airport. She questions Brandon & Nicole if they ditched them. Brandon insists they waited. Mirna pretends to accept the response but in a confessional she admits to not trusting them.
– Kamkar say Chip is a jerk. The camera cuts to Chip doing an over exaggerated evil laugh in the car as he sees the twins close in behind them. A Walt Disney character has a less evil laugh than Chip.
CHIP: My little nickname for the twins is the Bad Seeds. They look cute and innocent but they will chop your head off.
– Pizza Bros get to the airport. They get the Widows to watch their bags as they search for an earlier flight. Another airline is offering a 9:40am flight.
– Mirna sees them and asks about the flight. Lance talks to the ticket agent. They only sell tickets at the counter across the airport. Charla and Mirna grab their bags and go first in line.
Uh oh. How many teams hate them now?
– MARSHALL: Mirna and Schmirna jumped into line first. That’s a huge problem for us because they were buying seats for multiple teams and shut us out.
– Marshall interrogates Nicole. Mirna jumps in the conversation but Marshall shushes her saying he can talk to Nicole. Turns out Brandon & Nicole will be in the other line and will ensure her and Mirna get tickets for both flights.
– MIRNA: Why do you have to explain it to him, Nicole?
Lance is pissed. Marshall even has to put an arm on his brother and calm him down. Then Marshall launches into my favourite airport confessional of all time.
MARSHALL (full on accent): I hate her so much I can’t even begin to explain to you. When I have the opportunity you watch I will get even.
Evil music plays throughout.
– Chip & Kim and Kamkar get to airport. Everyone is in line at 4:00am for the 10:30am Areolineas flight. Only one ticket is available.
– Nicole asks Marsha at the front of the line to buy her and Brandon tickets. Marsha obliges. Everyone is on standby.
MIRNA: Why is Marsha buying your tickets now?
NICOLE: That’s not what’s happening.
MARSHA (turns around): I put you guys on the 10:30 flight.
Uhhhhh. Great deception, Miss Teen USA.
– All of the teams are getting on the 10:30am after Jim’s stand-up ticket though. No idea why that is happening. Only Kamkar are on stand-by.
– There is now a 9:10am flight. Christie begs to be on the flight. Colin is not impressed.
Chances Colin gets laid tonight: approximately or less than one percent.
– Colin asks to be on top of the waiting list.
– Nicole whimpers to get on the 9:10. She is on standby for 9:10 and 9:40 as well as being booked for the 10:30.
– Turns out the flight Marsha was trying to book for Jim was 9:10. Ugh. Things are chaotic in an Argentine airport.
– Charla says she needs to go to San Carlos de Bariloche to see a doctor. Ticket agent caves and gives them priority on the waiting list. The camera crew following her and eight other teams likely made the ticket agent think Charla’s claim was bull—-.
– Jim tells his daughter she screwed up. She has a confirmed ticket for 9:10am with Jim on standby. However she did NOT buy any tickets for the 10:30am flight.
– Nicole looks up to the ceiling hoping the Lord will grant her a flight to Patagonia. God music plays and the ceiling is coloured brightly in a mocking manner thanks to the craftiness of the producers.
And the Heavens said, “Please give these two spoiled mactors confirmed reservations to Patagonia to help win them a million bucks on a reality television program”.
– Standby counter for 9:10am. Suspense music plays. Colin & Christie are on the flight. So are Charla & Mirna.
– 9:40am standby counter. Brandon & Nicole are on. They join Pizza Bros.
– 10:30 am. Chip & Kim, Bowling Moms, Widows are confirmed on the flight. Standby counter approves of Kamkar. Jim & Marsha, who were first to the ticket counter, are now in dead last. Gotta love the airports in TAR.
– Phil tells us who is on which flight. Luckily I already told you.
– Jim & Marsha are on the 11:30am flight. Not the end of the world.
– Charla & Mirna are first in the car. Colin spots which ones have good tires.
– 9:40am arrives. Pizza Bros follow Brandon & Nicole who have perfect directions. I hear following Brandon & Nicole are great to team up with on the road.
– Colin & Christie are in first.
I was really hoping it would be Juan Vargas. Colin tells him it is a beautiful town in Spanish.
– Clue tells them to go to the Chocolate Factory. I hope you’re hungry!
– Roadblock time. That’s right. You thought those two legs from TAR 4 that started with a roadblock were just a one-time deal? Think again.
The roadblock requires each team to bite pieces of chocolate until they find the white centre. Out of the eleven thousand pieces only twenty have white centres.
Colin loves chocolate. He puts on a chef’s hat.
So does Charla. Am I the only one who hates how much chocolate is wasted on the ground? Somebody had to prepare all ELEVEN THOUSAND pieces for god’s sake? Bono would hope you are thinking of the starving children.
– Charla finds the white centre before Colin. She shouts as she jumps off the chair and the chair is sent flying into the chocolate. Christie is not impressed.
MIRNA: Give the chocolate to the master!
The master and Charla look adorable!!! Er wait. They’re adults. I. . .I didn’t mean it in a belittling fashion.
– Next clue is at the ski village of Villa Cathedral.
– Mirna can’t get the car out of gear. As Andre would say, “She can’t freakin drive a stick!”
– Pizza Bros pass them into the mayor’s office. Not silently though.
It is so juvenile which makes it so hilarious. They are like ten year olds because they time it just as Mirna is turned away. I am sure Marshall did the same thing to a substitute teacher when she was exited the room and barely out of earshot.
MIRNA: Who was that? Who was that? Someone just yelled b—-!
– Pizza Bros giggle.
– Brandon & Nicole and Pizza Bros are third and fourth.
– 10:30am flight arrives.
– Brandon does the roadblock. Editing makes it look like he did it right away.
– Colin & Christie are directly behind Villa Cathedral.
– Marshall is doing the roadblock. He is biting the chocolate like a mad man.
– Chip & Kim, Widows, and Kamkar all have the clue from the mayor. Only Jim & Marsha remain.
– Joyce joins Marshall at the roadblock. Fifty minutes are made up. Joyce finishes and is done before Marshall.
– Jim & Marsha’s plane lands.
– Linda does the roadblock. Kamkar is there too. Over an hour of biting chocolate. Marshall is ready to vomit. If he had a sweet tooth before this task I believe it will be erased now.
– Chip finally gets to the roadblock. They cheer on the twins as they leave. Kamkar says “Yeah, right”.
– Linda is done too. Then Kim. Marshall is second to last. Sucks to be them. Mirna supporters must believe it is karma.
– Charla & Mirna and Colin & Christie get into the gondola together.
– Jim is done the roadblock. They hire a taxi to lead them to Villa Cathedral.
– COLIN: I’m serious we have to beat the midget!
Editors want to make a Colin & Christie camp and on the other side a Charla & Mirna camp. No in between.
– Detour. Paraglide off the mountains or ride rough bikes down a windy and long hill. Only option is to paraglide.
– Colin & Christie are first into the air. Charla & Mirna are next.
– Brandon & Nicole and Widows are at the detour.
– Pit stop time. Drive 14 miles to Bahia Lopez. A small bay outside San Carlos de Bariloche. Find the unnamed island off the shore to check into the next pit stop. Good luck getting directions to a place called “Unnamed island”.
– Chip & Kim ride the gondola with Kamkar. Kamkar have passed them in the run.
CHIP: We’re tired of eating your dust!
For once this expression is used literally thanks to the dusty trail to the route marker. These teams are moving on up as they move up to 5th and 6th.
– Bowling Moms are seventh to do the detour. Linda is frightened.
– Note that the reason why all of these tasks are rushed in this blog is because it appears as rushed on television. Teams did not land in Patagonia until about minute 19 or 20 of the episode. Everything was stretched out when the first couple teams were finding the mayor’s office. Nine teams going to the mayor’s office, chocolate factory, paragliding, and pit stop all in a span of three hours must have been fun for editors.
– Bowling Moms say two confessionals before launching. Then commercial. Bowling Moms repeat the exact same confessionals. As we know Linda does the paragliding anyway.
– Pizza bros and Jim & Marsha are now getting to the gondolas. However Pizza Bros are in a gondola alone. Meanwhile Jim & Marsha must wait.
– Mirna fixes up her hair as she is driving for Phil. Charla gives an eye roll as she re-aligns her map on her knees.
– BRANDON: We’re so competitive. . .that we just want to win.
As opposed to those who are competitive but don’t want to win?
– Despite being in eighth place Marshall refuses to run on the trail to the route marker.
– Jim & Marsha are not even in the same shot as them. Yet editing presents it as both teams paragliding very close together.
– Colin & Christie see Phil on the island. They hop along the shore.
They are re-enacting the same run from The Wizard of Oz as they hop along the Yellow Brick Road.
– Pizza Bros finish the detour.
Charla and Mirna also walk along the shallow path in the water. There is also a flag at the start of the path. Phil is forced to hug both of them.
– Jim & Marsha are done the detour.
– Pizza Bros pull over to a convenience store. They are lost.
– Widows are fourth. They are one of the best older teams ever.
– You know how the first four teams walked along the short, shallow, and conspicuous path in the water?
You guys were so close from having a perfect leg of reading directions!
Just need to climb your rocks and you two will have a solid finish.
And the Bariloche kid greeters laugh at their misfortunes. That is the same face I made too.
– PHIL: That was quite the entrance. All the other teams just walked along the shallow water.
I love it. Karli is looking over Kami’s shoulder searching frantically for the path.
– CHIP: The mothers beat us. The mothers beat us we’re such nimrods!
Believe it or not the mothers have beat Chip & Kim all three legs thus far.
– Only two teams remain. Ten seconds of suspense before Pizza Bros come into view.
MARSHALL: Lance, slow down! My knee is killing me.
The first time Marshall complains about his knee. I will tell you right now this is only the beginning.
– Sad piano music plays as the Monopoly Man and his daughter gets to the pit stop. Phil Philiminates them.
– JIM: Anything I thought I could teach her. . .she. . .(crying). . .she already knew. I’m so proud of her I can’t put it into words.
Both are teary in SEPARATE confessionals.
MARSHA: My father taught me you can do unbelievable things when you’re the underdog.
Like be the third team eliminated in the race and never be remembered for the rest of time in the history of TAR? You only have me left, Marsha. Me. Meee. Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
– So they’re done. Let’s move on.
– Next time on TAR: Colin & Christie face off with Charla & Mirna (again). Pizza Bros make a poor choice. And other teams are crying and lying on the ground because of a Russian feast.
Wait a minute.
A RUSSIAN feast?
The race is going to Russia?!
In Soviet Russia, The Race runs you!
It is now time for ranking the legs. I will also rank the teams that have been eliminated thus far.
Rank the Legs
1) Buenos Aires -> San Carlos de Bariloche (Awesome leg. Pizza Bros’ confrontation with Mirna is so quotable. I have imitated Marshall saying “I hate her sooo much” at least once a month. I have yet to get the accent down. The frenzy in the airport is one of the series’ best. Brandon & Nikki betraying Mirna was great. Mirna wondering why everyone treats her so badly by then pulling an underhanded move on Pizza Bros was great. Colin joining in on the bashing by saying “we have to beat the midget!” creates a clear theme for the season. No taxis are present in this leg which is always awesome. The tasks are great considering how small of a space they are in. Well rounded. Oh, and Kamkar swimming to the pit stop.)
2) Montevideo -> Buenos Aires (Mega discos are awesome. Charla asking directions from a prostitute. Kamkar and Chip & Kim get into a mud fight thinking they are last place but it turns out it was all for naught and in fact the face-off in the cab nearly had Alison & Donny catch up. Taxi vs. Bus dilemma was good because it made you think short term versus long term. At the time Alison’s elimination was a bonus because the stunt casting team would not be able to corrupt more than two episodes. The only negative is that we had to see dogs having sex.)
3) Santa Monica -> Maldonado (Although it is this low it is by no means a bad premiere. It’s a great premiere. Jim’s knee injury, Charla & Mirna’s craziness, Chip, Kim, Kamkar, and Donny ignoring a preposition in the clue would be enough to have this premiere be the best leg in any season. But this is TAR 5. There’s just too many memorable and entertaining legs that topple the premiere. The fact Jim & Marsha survive and boring couple Dennis & Erika are first out was one of the better scenarios. Biggest negative for the leg is that the semi-celebrity team is the one that wins the leg. Nearly everyone in the audience thought Alison’s win on this leg was rigged. Obviously this would prove to not be the case. There was also too many equalizers.)
Rank the Teams
3) Dennis & Erika
Why is it that I have nothing to say about the first couple that gets eliminated in each season? They are likely underdeveloped and are branded with zero personality so we do not care about them. Matt & Ana, Hope & Norm, Debra & Steve, and now Dennis & Erika. Dennis played the nice guy to the point it was irritating. All because he could not handle being labeled as a scumbag which none of the other teams really meant too seriously. I doubt anyone cared about their storyline of getting back together and being re-engaged.
2) Alison & Donny
I never approved of Alison being cast on the race. Although Big Brother is not too popular internationally I would say it is still unfair to the other players. Why not cast someone who has yet to appear on one of the big three reality shows? Instead Alison is cast solely for her name. We are lucky that the couple’s extreme lack of compatibility made them have the most ridiculous fights ever seen on TAR, and we are also lucky they did it in an honest and non-camera whoring fashion. They earned their airtime by winning the first leg then falling to last place on the next. I just wished TAR didn’t continue the practice of casting d-list celebrities in the future.
1) Jim & Marsha
One of my favourite teams. Who wasn’t disappointed to see them go early? They nearly miss the first flight of the game because Jim tripped on the pier and had a nail go into his knee. A ton of blood. They were nice and polite to the other teams but remained competitive. Incidentally the only time they finished outside of last place (or next to last place) is a leg that did not involve planes. Sometimes the bad luck is not with the taxis but rather with airports.
They are also the first father-daughter team to be on the race.
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
I’m going to get chocolate wasted now.
Oh, pardon me. I see Kami is well ahead of me.