TAR 5 episode 2 ranking

Leg two
—-

Previously on TAR: Phil reminds us of TAR’s structure. Charla & Mirna are running. Uruguay is a place where beef is king. Charla is the strongest woman there. And teams took a leap of faith into a pool. Jim has a bloodied up knee. Charla and Mirna were snubbed by the other teams. Alison & Donny won despite Donny not knowing what a ferry is. Chip & Kim and Kamkar both escaped the first elimination despite making a mistake. Dennis & Erika are first out.

Thanks Phil for recapping the premiere. I love how Jim & Marsha were the central focus of the premiere but are now “the one team who faced injuries”.

This is the last supper for one of these teams. Note how Charla and Mirna are seated closest to the camera. Intentional? I think so.

Is this a pit stop or a resort?

– Phil tells us how amazing Casa Pueblo is and how it sits on the Atlantic Ocean.

Questions: Will Jim’s knee slow them down?  And will Alison & Donny maintain their lead despite bickering?

This is the least inquisitive Phil has been in quite some time.

– 12:48pm arrival for Alison & Donny means they will depart at 12:48am.

– We’re off to Montevideo’s Shake’s Mega Disco. Alison butchers the pronunciation by saying Mont-uh-video rather than Mont-uh-vi-day-oh. Rookie mistake, Alison. At the disco they must pop a soap ball that frequently drops from the ceiling. Inside will be the next clue. What is it with South American leg two and a need to go to a club? Brandon Hantz has been waiting since TAR 2 for a new temptress.

– Pizza bros. are second. Lance says they are in good shape (ha) to find Montevideo.

– Bowling Moms successfully read a sign to Montevideo. Then widows kiss upon departure. Heh, Bob looks like Mr. Magoo more and more. He has one of the strangest frames I have seen a person possess.

BOB: We’re a strong team. Joyce show em your guns. She has muscles.

Sadly a 60-year-old woman has more muscle than I do. Bob stares intently. Just another American man who loves playing with guns.

– Charla and Mirna time. Mirna says that everyone else said they were the weakest team of all. While there was ZERO evidence in the previous episode of anyone saying they are weak Mirna says they will prove people wrong of something they did not say in the first place. They want to surprise people.

– Nicole believes Brandon would be a good husband but not convinced he is the one.

– Mirna drives into a dead end. Surprise! People did not think you would go the wrong way!

– Christie says her and Colin are competitive and that they want to win. The viewers are sceptical but that will all change very very quickly.

– Chip says he will become Daddy Domingo when he arrives at the disco club. Google turned up zero results when I typed in ‘Daddy Domingo’.

– Kamkar check out shortly after. Chip & Kim says to follow them out onto the streets while Kamkar claims they know the way to Montevideo. Why the two teams who screwed up on reading a clue last leg are teaming up is beyond me.

– Kamkar loses Chip & Kim after one block. Classic.

– Jim’s knee is getting stronger. He has nothing to speak of except his knee. They depart at 1:39am. In other words the teams are extremely close together.

– Bowling Moms busts the ball first.

Look at how much soap she has on her hands! What a wild place this is. Anyways, it’s time to go to the ferry station to board a ferry to Buenos Aires.

– Donny asks for directions to the ferry station. Alison does not think Donny is capable of obtaining the correct directions. Probably because Donny only learned what a ferry was in the previous leg.

– Colin’s car passes Mirna’s car. Mirna says he is going over 60. Charla jumps in to say the speed limit is 90. Surprise!

– Lance is upset nobody can give him directions to the ferry.

LANCE: They were useless. Useless foreigners.

Not a foreigner in Uruguay.

– Kamkar ask a man in another car to take them to the disco. When the man agrees they confirm the request by making their voices uncomfortably high pitched and pre-pubescent. Later they say they are going to flirt to a million dollars. If that is their definition of flirting, I think they should re-assess their situation ASAP.

– Nicole says a man in the club was grabbing all over her and was yelling for Brandon to come over to take her away from him. Who was it?

I’m baaaaaaack.

Actually it was this guy.

Mumbai train or Montevideo dance club? A female TAR player’s dream decision to make.

– Donny has a compass.

DONNY: I have a compass. Go straight.
ALISON (mutters): I have a compass. Like that will get us out of Uruguay.
DONNY: If you weren’t blonde you wouldn’t be so stupid.

Did Donny call Alison ‘stupid’? This is coming from the guy who went inside of the Blue & White Hotel and didn’t know what a ferry is.

– Kamkar each bust a ball of their own.

– Mirna approaches a woman at a bus stop.

CHARLA: She looks like a prostitute.
MIRNA: The prostitute would know where the disco is, wouldn’t she?
CHARLA: Donde est mega disco?
MIRNA: She looks pissed we’re asking her, Charla. She probably has business to attend to.

I love how editors support the theory that she is a prostitute by including only this shot of her:

High heels fill in all blanks when it’s 3 o’ clock in the morning in Montevideo.

– Alison and Donny are first to the ferry at 3:30am. First ferry leaves at 4:30am. All teams will be on the ferry judging by the departure times from the pit stop.

– KIM: They were trying to kiss me! That was the most disgusting thing in the world!

Kim should take it as a compliment. How many people at a disco full of 20 somethings would kiss a 44 year old woman? It ain’t so bad now is it Kim?

– Jim & Marsha are in ninth. Charla & Mirna are in last.

– JIM: I ain’t never heard of a foam club before. You’ve gots to go to Uruguay to go to a foam club.

Jim breaks out his lingo that assumes he integrates with dem young’ins. Next episode there will be a karaoke challenge where Jim will say

We’re gonna party like it’s your party
We’re gonna party like it’s your party

Anyone who reads this blog a year from now will be completely lost with that reference. All hail Jon Stewart!

– 3:50am is when the other teams begin trickling in.

– Charla and Mirna ask for directions at a gas station.

(ATTENDANT motions with his hands that it’s on your left.)
CHARLA: Turn to the left.
(ATTENDANT motions with his hands that it’s on your right.)
CHARLA: Then it’s on your right.
MIRNA: . . .I didn’t get any of that.

What is there not to get?! Turn left then it’s on your right. Charla & Mirna have surprised us all by quickly putting themselves into last place. Surprise!

Here is my favourite:

Charla is trying to mime swimming to indicate they want to go to the ferry. I love it when the attendant has to turn away and laugh because of how ridiculous they look asking for directions that he has already given. Not to mention Charla’s coat makes her look like Yoda.

– 4:18am. Charla and Mirna have twelve minutes.

Charla is shouting in a corner store as Mirna asks the clerk for directions.

It is 4:30am. The boat has pushed away the steps preparing to leave. Simultaneously Charla and Mirna are at the desk attempting to get a straight answer if the ferry has left or not. Charla decides to peer up from the counter hoping to garner sympathy and get on the ferry.

– Turns out the ferry is waiting for Charla and Mirna. The ticket lady smiles as she touches Charla’s shoulder softly. Everyone is equalized at the start of the leg. Luckily it is an early equalizer.

– Editors are making us think the other ten teams are pissed with Charla & Mirna making the boat.

This is the only shot of Linda and Karen on the ferry. It is just Karen looking as miserable as possible.

– Phil says teams are going to find the grave of Evita Peron. They must figure out that the correct cemetery is Recoleta as opposed to the other cemetery of Chacarita.

– While the other nine teams run off in Buenos Aires, Jim & Marsha are at an office exchanging their dollars for pesos or whatever currency Argentina uses. Jim says the Bowling Moms told them they need to exchange money.

The problem: Jim & Marsha are the only ones exchanging money. Ironically while teams are heading to a grave, it is really Jim & Marsha that are in a grave situation.

– Chacarita is for Evita’s husband. Kamkar get saved by their cab driver. Meanwhile Chip & Kim, Bob & Joyce, and Colin & Christie are all sent to the wrong prison.

– Jim believes they have been had. The odd thing is that this is never mentioned ever again for the whole show. There was not a conversation beforehand showing us that the Moms told Jim this, and no confrontation shown afterwards. The Bowling Moms never even mention it to the camera. My question is why did this need to be in the episode in the first place if there is zero evidence that the Bowling Moms ever lied to Jim?

Bypasses the camera. Sneaky devils.

– It’s time to get our Cemetery on. Charla & Mirna are granted to ride aboard a small vehicle that is used at the cemetery. Linda & Karen miss it by seconds. They face the taxing task of walking.

– The Chacarita people are redirected to Recoleta. The shrill ‘You Just Put Unleaded gas in a Diesel Truck’ music plays for each team.

– Charla claims she can do anything a regular person can do.

Except grab a clue from the clue box. That doesn’t count.

– Detour time. Teams choose between Perro and Tango. In Perro teams must take on the extremely popular job of dog walking. The team must take them through three checkpoints on a one mile walk. The dogs are conveniently outside the cemetery (odd place for dogs if you ask me). In Tango teams take a taxi 1.5 miles to a tango centre. They will be given a program with a single photo of a man. Match up the Tuxedo Mask look alike with the correct man who is tangoing and teams will receive their next clue.

– Charla and Mirna are going to watch people tango. Bowling Moms are walking the dogs. Pizza brothers and Brandon & Nikki shortly follow.

– Bowling Moms have a giant leash that has eight dogs attached to it.

– Brandon & Nicole opt to tango.

– Donny is guiding the team as Alison walks the dogs. Who knew Alison would be comfortable controlling a bunch of bitches.

– Charla & Mirna are singing as they enter the tango centre. Mirna is hopping to the stage while Charla is spinning as she runs.

I must say the picture in the program is ridiculously exaggerated. It reminds me of what Bart Simpson would have used as a fake love interest for Edna Krabappel.

EDNA: Oh dear Woodrow.

– Mirna screws up on the picture. Next time they are lucky because they are given a photo of a guy with a larger nose.

– Kamkar arrive at the detour. The twins say they can’t control dogs. But then Kami (or Karli) look at the map and say it looks really easy. Holy crap. If Kamkar can figure out a map then Donny is a serious idiot.

– Donny took them to the wrong street. Alison maintains to freak out at him whenever he screws up in a Tara-like fashion. He works with the Bowling Moms to help screw up directions as much as possible.

– Meanwhile. . .

Mirna completes an additional task not required on the race: Tango with Woodrow.

– Teams must travel by bux or taxi to La Invernada which is an Argentine ranch. Cue pictures of cows. Argentina must be the Prince of beef.

Mirna wants to take a fifty dollar taxi because she knows if she takes a bus that they would be eliminated this round. I am not so sure about that because. . .

Kamkar is too busy getting her booty sniffed by other dogs on the detour. This is also an additional task not required to complete this leg of the race. Stick to the clues, people. TAR will never tell you to go doggy style.

– Pizza Bros. complete the tango. Three teams have done the tango before anyone has finished Perro.

–  Donny stops to read the map. Editors think we should see Alison’s dogs having sex with one another. When did this turn into the Discovery Channel?

ALISON: WILL THESE DOGS STOP HAVING SEX!

Argentines must love American tourists.

ALISON (clapping): Why are you looking at the map Donny? We did not pass by three checkpoints! (increased clapping) WE DID NOT PASS BY THREE CHECKPOINTS!

DONNY: This is the worst one ever.

ALISON: You know what? We’re done.

Bowling Moms and Alison & Donny switch detours.

– Kamkar make the brightest move thus far–they recruit a local to direct them to each location. Within seconds on camera they are finding the checkpoints quickly.

– Alison & Donny are in a cab.

ALISON: If I see a frickin checkpoint on this way I will flip out.
DONNY: It’s nothing new and you don’t scare me.
ALISON: You’re so ignorant.
DONNY: You’re an embarrassment.
ALISON: F— you! You’re a loser.
DONNY: You’re an embarrassment.

Kids, kids, kids. You’re both right.

– Jim & Marsha beat some of the teams to the cemetery.

Chip & Kim are in last. Them, Colin & Christie, and Jim & Marsha are all going to the tango centre. Bob & Joyce shall walk dogs. Jim & Marsha see the Bowling Moms heading into the tango centre.

– Bowling Moms’ first photo is rejected. Alison gets the clue on her first try. Despite bickering they have found their way into fourth place of ten.

– Kamkar find the third checkpoint. Jim & Marsha pass the tango and on the way to La Invernada. Colin & Christie pass the tango next.

PERRO: 0 TANGO: 6

– Donny says they do not have much money. They are the only team that opts for a bus as opposed to a cab.

– Bowling Moms finish tango next.  Them and Colin & Christie take cabs too.
– JIM: No way would I take a bus.

– Roadblock time. Charla & Mirna and Brandon & Nicole arrive simultaneously.

In this roadblock a team must play a classic Argentine children’s ranch game: Ribbon roping.

Snag a red bandana from the neck of a calf. You cannot tackle or pull the young calf at any time. And yes, these calves run at a decent speed. Once you have snagged a bandana the team will receive their next clue from a gaucho.

– MIRNA: The person who performs this task should have quick hands and quick feet. It’s me.
CHARLA: Yeah of course. You might have to stick your hands up the cow’s ass.

Surprise!

MIRNA: Oh my god! Can you stick your hand in the cow’s ass?
CHARLA: . . .I don’t have quick feet.
(MIRNA opens up clue.)
MIRNA: Go into the corral and retrieve a bandana from the neck of a cow.

This is such a great exchange. First, there is NOTHING to indicate you have to stick your hand up a cow’s butt. Second, the first thing that comes into Charla’s mind is that TAR would force you to put your hand in a cow’s butt. Thirdly, Mirna disregards quick hands and quick feet immediately hoping Charla is willing to do the handiwork (pun intended). Lastly what makes this scene so great is that Charla does not deny the request, but what stops her from doing it is that the clue said “quick feet”. Otherwise, Charla is all for shoving her hand into a cow’s butt.

– Brandon is doing the roadblock. Mirna is frightened by the cow. Charla shouts that it is frightened by her.

– Kamkar finish the detour in 8th. Chip & Kim are 9th. Chip expands on his Spanish by pronouncing ‘Bus’ as ‘Boose’.

– Alison & Donny are on the bus. They see no other teams. May the shouting of ‘we should have taken a cab!’ begin.

– Chip & Kim and Kamkar both get to the bus station. They are on the last bus.

– Whoa. Forgot about Bob & Joyce. They finish the Perro detour. Their decision is to take a cab. Only option if you’re in last place.

– Pizza Bros are shown for more than two seconds. Their cab ran out of gas. Marshall says these cabs in particular take forever to fill up with natural gas. Those foreigners have no idea how to pump gas, right Marshall?

– Jim continues to whine about the lie the Bowling Moms made. We cut to the Bowling Moms who do not acknowledge the incident whatsoever.

– Brandon is first one finished the roadblock. Charla has the funniest voice crack heard in the history of TAR as she yells at Mirna to finish the task.

– Mirna is done shortly thereafter.

– Pit stop time. Take a horse drawn carriage from the roadblock and ride it for 150 yards to the pit stop.
– MIRNA: Charla, get your ass over here!

So you can stick your hand up it, Mirna?

– Alison digs through the fanny pack and puts together enough money that could’ve been used for a cab.

I won’t transcribe any more of their conversations but this pretty much says it all:

– Charla & Mirna are ahead but Brandon & Nicole pass them on the run. Amazingly enough Brandon & Nicole finish first. Charla & Mirna are team number two. Mirna goes in for the hug once again.

Nicole comments on Charla & Mirna being tough competitors. Charla has a confessional stating she will show the world what she is capable of. One day there will be that roadblock where she will stick her hand up a cow’s ass.

Production goes even further to shove the spotlight onto Charla.

– Marsha completes the roadblock. Karen is next but it seems they finished too far apart for a confrontation. Bob & Joyce have jumped from 10th to 5th because Bob finishes the roadblock. My guess is their cabbie disregarded the speed limit.

– Marshall & Lance are back in their cab. Colin & Christie are now at the roadblock.

– Kamkar spot a cab outside the bus station. Chip runs them down hoping to steal the cab. Kami enters the cab first with Chip a split second behind.

Awks.

– Both assume they are the last two teams and sit in the cab until the second cab arrives. Chip & Kim pile into the second cab but follow Kamkar regardless.

– Linda & Karen are amazed they are fourth.

– Alison’s cab is “cruising”.

– Lance disagrees to run. He gets the bandana and runs back. Hmmm. Pizza Bro just wanted to look cool for the task.

– Chip & Kim’s cab passes Kamkar. He is screaming “One ohhhh!!!!!!” as loud as he can. Kamkar can hear him from the newly trailing cab.

– Bob & Joyce are fifth. Bob throws his hat into the air in celebration.

– Chip and Kami are doing the roadblock. Kami races ahead of Chip.

– Colin & Christie are sixth. And that is all we see.

– Kami is in an excellent position to snag a bandana but then Chip cuts in front of her and. . .

He makes a diving play! No way, man!

– Alison & Donny see Kamkar at the corral. Kamkar is done the roadblock right before Donny gets inside. He is done quickly.

– Chip & Kim sprint to the pit stop. They find out they’re eighth.

CHIP: Wow. You give good news a lot, Phil. You shocked me, bro.

How Robb Zbacnik of a thing for Chip to say.

Wait a second. . .Oh god. There was no need to sit in the cab with Kami or to shout at them as we passed. Oh no.

– Kamkar give a confused look when they are told they’re ninth. It’s as if the twins could not entertain the thought of teams screwing up more than they did in back-to-back legs. Advancing to leg three is icing on the cake for them.

– That leaves Alison & Donny in last. Surely they’ll come together as they hit the mat before their dismissal?

What a sweet metaphor. They finish the race the same way they started–completely disjointed.

ALISON: Honey, can you not run so far in front of me.
DONNY: Huh?
ALISON: You’re too far in front of me.
DONNY: You know what? You’ve disappointed me severely.

Something tells me this conversation is heavily edited. It makes zero sense for Donny to freak out about Alison wanting to run together to the mat.

ALISON: Donny, would you quit it? I’m running.

Okay. Maybe not. Wow.

– Donny learned to redefine his love for Alison. Is that ALL he took away from it?

Next time on TAR: Colin & Christie battle Charla & Mirna. That’s really the only highlight I can think of. Fat guy is forced to eat more chocolate than Agoostus Galump in a chocolate waterfall. And a new alliance in the race is formed.

P.S. Everyone was shocked that Alison & Donny were the second team out. So was I. Their elimination proved they do not slant the table even for their stunt casting. This sentiment will change in later seasons though.

P.P.S. With Alison & Donny’s elimination, some of the more subtle teams thus far will become almost as big of a focus as Charla & Mirna or Kamkar. It’s going to be fun to watch it play out.

Brandon&Nicole 0.4
Kami&Karli 10
Linda&Karen 2.1
Marshall&Lance 1.1
Charla&Mirna 3.9
Bob&Joyce 1.1
Colin&Christie 0.2
Chip&Kim 6.0
Jim&Marsha 6.1
Alison&Donny 3.5

12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8

9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF

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