TAR 5 episode 1 ranking

THE AMAZING RACE 5
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COUNTRIES VISITED:

USA, URUGUAY, ARGENTINA, RUSSIA, EGYPT, TANZANIA, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES, INDIA, NEW ZEALAND, PHILIPPINES, CANADA

– So here we are. TAR 5. Arguably the season that kept TAR afloat to the present day. For those of you who have not been watching TAR since day one, virtually every season was followed by a rumour of cancelation. The ratings for TAR were much lower compared to its competitors at the time. This is a big swing from the past few years where TAR wins virtually every Sunday night.

– TAR 3 ended in December on TV and we waited until May for TAR 4. At that point people thought this would be TAR’s swan song because a summer season is not a sign of a series lasting much longer. Look at The Mole, Pirate Master, and Murder In Small Town X to see what I mean. So when TAR 4 concludes in August, and not a sign of the show in the fall and winter schedules, many thought the show was done.

But it came back. After a record eleven month hiatus for the series, TAR 5 was set to premiere thanks to many campaigns supporting the return of TAR. This would not come without many changes to try and salvage the show for years to come.

FORMAT CHANGES:

1) Return to eleven teams. The days of 12 teams to reduce the number of non-eliminations is over. Perhaps having one less team plus an audio and camera crew for the opening leg is significantly cheaper for production. In addition it could be a move for us to know the teams better even though a team is eliminated in the season premiere.

2) Four non-eliminations. When you have one less team that means you need to have an extra non-elimination leg for it. This was a surprising move given that TAR was heavily criticized for having extremely boring non-elimination legs, and that two of the four seasons saw a winner finish dead last on a non-elimination TWICE but end up the champion. This was viewed as the most unfair aspect of TAR (including by me). More so than equalizers. Production knew this is a big flaw and bring in one of three enormous changes to the series. . .

3) Penalties on non-elimination legs. If you came in last you would be penalized. The penalty was in the form of stripping you of all of your money. You might say ‘Couldn’t they just beg for money?’ the truth of the matter is that yes, nearly every team has no problem begging for money. In fact there will be instances over the next couple seasons where the team who had all of their money taken away end up with the most money because of how much they begged. Production would remedy this situation in the future. Furthermore, non-eliminations were set up in the poorer countries on the race course to ensure begging money would not be as easy as in France or Italy.

4) Fast forwards are slashed. This was my least favourite change. The Fast Forward was the biggest strategic tool offered in the first four seasons of TAR. You had to guess when it would be most advantageous for you to take it, if somebody ahead of you would take it, if you should wait if you were ahead, or if you should wait if you were behind, or save it for when you are certain it is an elimination leg, or use it on a non-elimination leg to better position yourself. That is a TON of strategy. Unfortunately production disagreed and every season through to present day has a maximum of two Fast Forwards.

The implications of only two fast forwards?

The team that is in first place will automatically go for it to gain a bigger lead. Situations where this does not happen is if the leading team is not confident they can complete the task or if trailing teams are too stupid to think that the leading team won’t go for it. I would prefer it if Fast Forwards were not in existence at all; production will eliminate Fast Forwards after taking six years to figure out that these things are a ridiculous component to the race. I wish Fast Forwards were offered on every leg but I digress.

5) Yields. It replaced Fast Forwards. The yields were a negative twist as opposed to the positive twist of the Fast Forward.

Fast Forward – You use it to put yourself ahead.
Yield – You use it to push others back.

That’s what I mean by positive and negative. It is not a reflection of my like/dislike of the twist. I think the Yield is inappropriate for TAR. Why? Because TAR is all about you. It is how you and your partner work together as team to get to the finish line. If you win or lose you have nobody to blame but you. The Yield hinders the integrity of TAR when you may be eliminated through no fault of your own. That is not how I want to see someone eliminated from the show. Dumb taxi drivers would be preferred.

It just occurred to me some of you may not have seen TAR during the Yield years. That boggles my mind. The Yield will always be the ultimate fangle dangle twist that TAR employs but yet it is dead by the first half of the series. A true sign that this show has lasted a long time.

The Yield is where one team can choose to freeze any other team for a predetermined amount of time (I am thinking twenty to thirty minutes).  Much like the U-Turn, the Yield is at a specific location and all teams have to step on the mat to announce whether or not they will yield. Keep in mind the Yield is in every single leg of the race. This is the only reason why I forgave the decrease of Fast Forwards–there was still plenty of strategy with the yield.

The subtle purpose of the yield? To create drama between teams. I whine about this every season but this is where production decides that interpersonal conflict of teams is more important to the show than intrapersonal conflict.

6) A much larger race course. Previous seasons ignored at least one continent or in the case of TAR 4 they ignored nearly three continents. TAR 5 changes that. They visit every continent with the exception of Penguin Land. This move by production leads to SEVEN new countries being visited. TAR 4 is shaking in its boots as it only added Netherlands and South Korea. Anybody who thought TAR ran out of countries to visit were hushed thanks to this move.

Now let’s start the show!

LEG ONE
————
– We begin in Santa Monica. Our second LAX start for the race in a row.

May as well savour the turtleneck while we can.

– Lifeguard trucks are transporting the teams on the sand until they hit the pier. Let’s meet our teams.

I believe we have our first mactor team. Are they mactors? Survey says. . .

Yep! Nicole was Miss Texas.
Brandon and Nicole are dating long distance but recently moved in together. They have their own mirrors, thank god. Otherwise nothing would get done.

This is Kami & Karli. Identical twins. Much like Shola and Doyin I have no idea who is talking half the time. So I decided to unify Kami and Karli’s confessional count. A few re-watches and I have given up on making them distinct.

Please note that the intro features them heading a soccer ball back and forth. This is crucial because after so many soccer balls in the head this team will make some of the dumbest decisions ever witnessed in TAR. Be prepared to find charm in their stupidity.

Kami flashes her teeth more come to think of it.

Linda & Karen. Bowling moms. Although I must say Linda is doing a MJ crotch grab rather than tossing a bowling ball. We’re off to a good start.

Pizza brothers. Mario and Luigi. But seriously, this is Marshall and Lance. Brothers who run a pizza joint together. Please note they are fat. This is a storyline that comes up later on. I’m not kidding.

This is a mother and daughter team. I thought you needed to be at least 21 to race but I guess eight-year-olds are allowed on the race.

Woops! Sorry, sorry, sorry. These are Armenian cousins Charla and Mirna. Charla is the first Little Person to be on the Race and incidentally the only Little Person to be on Survivor, TAR, Big Brother, or The Apprentice until this past year when Leif was cast for One World. TAR beat the other shows to the punch by over eight years (this season aired shortly after Survivor: All Stars).

Dennis and Erika.

DENNIS: Erika is very high maintenance.

I would have never guessed considering this is the first team to film their audition video while SHOPPING! Boy oh boy Erika is not going to like this race. Add in the fact this is a team that was formerly engaged and they should be fun to watch if they can stick around. By the way, did anyone see the TV show Stickin Around?

Bob and Joyce. Widowers who found each other on the Internet. And no Aaron Frazee, this is NOT Bill and Cathi.

Both of them lost their previous partners to cancer. Considering I made a joke about Little People, I will opt to save face and not make a joke about these two. I don’t want to lose every fan out there.
BLAHBLAHTEAMSWILLUNDERESTIMATEUSBLAHBLAH.

Sorry, couldn’t do it.

If you do not recognize these two then I am guessing you have not watched TAR for more than five years and that you are probably too young to read this blog.

It is painful for me to give you the answer but this is Colin & Christie in case you didn’t know. Note that Colin is not smiling. Get used to it. By this picture I am guessing one of three things:

a) He is posing for a mug shot.

b) His teeth are yellower than Shrek’s.

c) He is really into dudes.

Christie says they are both aggressive leaders and Colin chimes in to say he may be the most intense person to ever run the race.

And nobody will disagree with you, Colin.

This is Chip and Kim. Married couple who runs a business out of their home. They spend 23 hours a day together. You have to get along pretty dang well to be each other’s employment bosses as well as spend all of your free time together. They’re calm and nice.

Jim and Marsha. The first father-daughter team ever to be on the race. Jim also happens to be the first Uncle Pennybags impersonator to ever be cast for the race. The evidence for my assertion?

Boi-Oi-Oi-Yoing! If the race makes a stop at the Reading Railroad his thimble-like mind is a shoe-in to race his horse to the end.

MARSHA: He refuses to see me as anything other than a ten year old little girl that needs to develop focus.
JIM: I don’t see you as a ten year old little girl sometimes I see you as a six year old little girl.
MARSHA: Oh. . .Perfect.

Marsha did not pass Go. She did not collect two hundred dollars.

Snowball fight!!! This is Alison and Donny.

Yep. That is indeed Alison from Big Brother 4. I must share Big Brother 4 is the first season of BB that I watched every single episode. BB4 aired exactly one year earlier and that is why Alison is even cast for TAR. Donny was her boyfriend when she filmed BB4. She kissed Nathan, hung out with her ex Justin who was in the cast, lied, flirted, and was a raging you-know-next-Tuesday. One year later and somehow Alison and Donny are still together. Wow.

This was TAR’s first major stint of stunt casting. You might be thinking ‘Alison Irwin? Big deal’ but that is your 2012 bias coming in and the fact you don’t recall the reality TV atmosphere of 2003-2004.

Alison was extremely well known at the conclusion of BB4 in 2003. She made her rounds making guest appearances on random shows and was one of the few non-BB6 contestants to be cast for All Stars. Alison was given a ton of airtime, hype, and attention as she nearly won the game via one of the most simultaneously flirtatious and vicious strategies ever seen in a major reality TV competition. Thus when TAR 5 was set to be filmed she was cast in hopes of being a big ratings draw. In fact, BB5 was premiering the same week as TAR 5 which made drawing in BB fans to watch TAR and vice versa to be a big part of bringing her on the show.

You have now made me sad thinking that Alison used to be a huge star. Today that is laughable and I doubt 95% of today’s reality TV fans could recall her as being on TAR or BB.

Phil gives his speech of who will have the right combination of brawn, strategy, and teamwork to claim the million dollars.

Then we see Phil lecturing about there being 13 legs, cash being provided except airline tickets, and does his usual ‘everyone understands that?’ and we are cut to varied nods. Uh oh. Phil says you don’t want to be last at non-elimination legs either. A new twist that “will make your lives very very difficult”. Heh. TAR 7 contestants may disagree with you, Phil. Chip cannot stop smiling.

– Dennis and Jim both wipe out on the pier in the initial run. Charla is a mile behind everyone. So much for doing anything that bigger people can do. Dennis and Jim get stampede’d on but are well ahead of Charla instantly. This is the last time the starting line is on a hardwood pier because of this incident, if I recall.

– Colin is first to the clue. Now they’re piling into their cars. First destination is Uruguay. Kami (or Karli) randomly shouts outside the window as they leave the pier).

– Intro time. Several snapping head turns. Ian and Teri have a legacy it seems.

– CHRISTIE: Go, go, go, make a right.

Half of those words were not useful.

– There are two flights.

– I didn’t notice this before. Erika accuses Colin of being the one to push Dennis from behind leading to why Dennis tripped.

– Jim draws first blood. His knee landed on a nail when he fell. Talk about getting Jonathan Penner’d.

JIM: I hit one of those doggone nails.

My apologies. It was a doggone nail. A doggone nail.

– Christie says Colin is her rock. That’s true. He probably does fly at your face from time to time.

– MARSHALL: We’re losing these people. They’ve got women driving back there.

Marshall’s Sexist Comment Count: 1

– Marshall says the twins aren’t too bright because they weren’t aggressive enough on the road.

– Erika says her and Dennis broke off the engagement because they weren’t ready. That’s random. Why the intimate detail so early on?

– First flight holds four teams. The second flight holds seven teams. Trick is that the second flight has a shorter layover and arrives earlier, according to Phil.

– DONNY: Turn here.
ALISON: I can’t!
DONNY: . . .And it begins.
ALISON: Shut up.

How sweet.

– Teams are at the terminal. Marshall & Lance get on the bus and insist the driver does not pick up the other three teams that are waiting.

– Three teams get on the next bus. Dennis & Erika, Alison & Donny, and KamKar all agree to not pick up more teams. Donny says the cousins have the midget to worry about. Eh, I don’t feel so bad about Marshall & Lance not wanting to pick up those three teams anymore.

– Marshall & Lance join up with Colin & Christie. They do not spot the flagged airline counter. They re-read their clue to confirm the counter has to be flagged.

– Dennis & Erika hope this is the earlier flight. It’s a 1:00pm arrival.

– Alison & Donny and KamKar check which flight arrives earlier. 12:35pm. Oops.

– Colin & Christie and Marshall & Lance are at the counter with Dennis & Erika. Dennis is holding up the line because he said he would hold the *worst* tickets for Kamkar and Marshall & Lance.

– Lance is telling the other teams that this is bull—- and points out Dennis & Erika. The line has been held up for TWENTY minutes. Every team is in line.

What does Chip think?

Daaaaaaamn!

– They call Dennis a scumbag. Dennis says they’re definitely not getting on the *worst* flight now. OOOOOOOH, we’re scared going on the better flight!

Meanwhile. . .

Jim’s knee is bleeding worse than Edwin Dewees’ preliminary fight in TUF 4.

– Twins get a sense of direction as they finally find Dennis & Erika. Sucks to be them.

– The four teams check on the slower flight. Therefore the other five teams are punished by going to the other ticket counter and getting on the faster flight with Kamkar and Alison & Donny.

– A doctor in the airport who was no doubt called by production finds Jim and examines his knee. Jim wants to fly but that does not fly with the doctor (zing). He must go to an emergency medical clinic and get stitches ASAP. Too bad if he can’t make the flight.

– Chip & Kim hate the slower flight and hates being behind seven other teams.

– Huge traffic. Flight leaves at 2:40pm. They get to the clinic at 1:55pm. Traffic is bumper to bumper on the way back. They get to the airport at 2:30pm. At 2:37pm they board the flight. We were three minutes away from the strangest elimination in the history of TAR.

– Phil reminds us the first route marker is the Hand in the Sand.

Oddly enough this is a metaphor for TAR’s current condition ratings wise. Holding on for dear life.

PHIL: The fingers jetting out from the sand resemble the last thing you see before a person drowns.

Uruguay: The Most Morbid Country on Earth????

– 12:35pm. Our fourteen heroes arrive in Uruguay. They frantically ask for directions to the bus terminal. Doesn’t matter because all seven teams are on the same bus.

– 1:00pm. The four teams get on the second bus. Did someone forget to tell Kamkar that a plane arriving an ‘hour later’ is not the same as ‘twenty five minutes earlier’.

– BRANDON: We have a half hour lead on the other teams.

When Brandon the Model beats you at math, you know you’re in trouble.

– They found the Hand. We’re off to Gorriti Island. A former hideaway for Spanish pirates.

– Kamkar (shouting): Talk to me! Talk to me!

(CAB DRIVER points at his cab.)

‘Talk to me’ is not a universal phrase. Sorry Kamkar.

– Now for the strangest strategic tool brought onto the Race. Charla’s whistle. That’s right. Charla brings a whistle onto the Race to stop traffic. In most countries a person on the road wearing a whistle is used to DIRECT traffic but hey that’s just me. Their first whistle bout does not do anything except Charla falling on her butt. Mirna yells in Spanish to flag down a cab.

WHISTLE: 0 MIRNA’S EXAGGERATED SPANISH: 1

– Brandon walks to the ferry and wants to save money while everyone except the Bowling Moms get into cabs.

– Alison and Donny are in a cab to the ferry. Love this exchange.

DONNY: I think we have to take a boat there.
ALISON: That’s what a ferry is.
DONNY: Where’s the ferry then?
ALISON: He’s taking us.

In all fairness, those are poor directions by Alison. Imagine driving on the street and stopping her to ask for directions.

STRANGER: Hey! Do you know where Allenby Street is?
ALISON: You’re driving there.
STRANGER: But how do I get there?
ALISON: In a car.
STRANGER: Oh. . .thanks!

Although Donny not knowing what a ferry is hilarious.

Alison busts out a quote from The Sandlot. Next week we will see Alison show Donny what a s’more is.

– Bob & Joyce are first to the ferry followed by Alison & Donny. They scream for the ferry to go but Kamkar gets on in the nick of time. Twins think they were yelling for the ferry to go because the two fast girls were coming. Who knew a team would yell for a ferry to leave because FAST people may get on before the ferry leaves. Science!

– Jim and Marsha, Charla and Mirna are on the next ferry.

– Brandon is carrying Nicole’s bags.

NICOLE: We’re the last ones.
BRANDON: We’re not last. We don’t know where the other teams are.
NICOLE: We gotta focus on making smart decisions. Together.
BRANDON: I need you to support me, Nic.
NICOLE: I need you to include me on our decisions, Brandon.

BRANDON (confessional): What Nicci needs to understand is that we’re trusting the Lord and he’s gonna protect us and trust that god has our best in mind.

I wonder which one is more religious. I know this confessional was uttered before the race started because of the backdrop, but I wonder if this will be Brandon’s go-to quote anytime he makes a controversial or stupid decision on the race?

– Bowling moms are on a ferry with Brandon and Nicole.

– Trailing bus gets to the clue. I swear Colin pushed aside an attendant as he got off the bus. Although in his defense I think he slipped

– Gorritti Island time. It is the infamous ‘search this area for tomorrow’s public transportation departures’. Instead of a charter bus location or a cosmopolitan centre it is instead a wooded area that has 8:00am, 8:30am, and 9:00am ferries.

Bob & Joyce and Alison & Donny are on the eight o’ clock.

– Mirna offers to work with Marsha so both can find the best tickets. Given they are at the front of the pack there should be no reason for Marsha to reject it. However Marsha blatantly lies when Mirna asks if they have found earlier times.  Oh you so bad for not helping the Little Person. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! (End of The Brady Show reference).

– Both end up on the 8:30am anyway. Mirna complains nobody is helping them (although can’t Charla do anything a big person can do? Should be no problem then). I do think Marsha was dumb for lying to a fellow leading team on the second day of the race. Especially when your father’s decrepit knee is causing him to be slower than Charla’s size disadvantage.

– Bowling Moms snag the last 8:00am ticket. They’ve moved up. Impressive. Brandon & Nicole managed to find all four 9:00am ferries. How unfortunate. Colin screams he has not found any later than 9:00am but takes it anyway.

Nicole insists they take it. Brandon consults his luscious blonde hair then agrees. Marshall & Lance take it instantly.

– Brandon feels bad about not listening to Nicci earlier and opting to get into a taxi. Luckily it’s not the Lord’s fault. That would’ve been bad press.

– Chip & Kim and Dennis & Erika are also on the 9:00. I s’pose the distribution of tickets was 3-3-5? I guess they wanted more trailing teams. Chip claims they are the bottom feeders once again.

– the players camp out in tents on the island and have a Survivor-esque campfire. This would become a new TAR tradition. Marshall and Lance brand it a hellhole. Worst night of camping for them ever. There is a zero percent chance you will recruit them at a taco stand to be on Survivor.

– 8:00am ferry arrives. They must go to the town of Maldonado and find the meat shop. Kimmi Kappenberg’s nightmare. I will always wave my route marker in your face. The three leading teams get on a bus.

– 8:30 ferry time. Mirna says Charla has eyes like a cat as they spot a route marker that nobody can miss. They run away from the other teams to read the clue hoping nobody saw them. Meanwhile Jim & Marsha and Kamkar are missing an obvious clue.

Your days are numbered, Kamkar. Even elephant eyes would be more ideal than theirs.

– Charla & Mirna claim that the other teams missing the clue is revenge for not talking to them the previous day. Oh, they’re in a taxi to Maldonado.

– The three teams arrive there simultaneously with Charla & Mirna. Everyone must put on white suits as they carry 50 pound beef. All four teams run for a few minutes before. . .

A wild Yield appears!

I love how it’s plopped down on the side of the road. You think locals would be wondering why the heck this giant English yellow sign is on the side of the road. In fact maybe that oncoming car is about to yield thanks to the sign. This is quite the structure that production will be putting up on every leg of the race.

Oh, and you can only yield a team that is behind you. Forgot to explain that earlier. And a yield may only be used once.

Donny thinks using a yield at the front of the pack is spineless at this point in the race. Does he know you can only use the yield if you’re ahead, Donny?

– Mirna has dropped the meat several times. It is too heavy. She thinks it weighs one hundred pounds despite the clue explicitly stating it is fifty pounds. The mind:matter ratio is 2:1 for Mirna.

I’d hate to be the person consuming that beef.

At least Charla is having fun. Inappropriate, but fun.

– Alison & Donny are first. The next clue is ACROSS from the Blue & White Hotel. ACROSS.

– Bowling Moms are surprisingly in 2nd. Widows are third. ‘Mori rapideaux’ is revived. I also know I butchered that spelling. Heh, butchered during a beef task.

– Jim’s knee gives out as he drops the meat. Fail.

– Donny misplaces the clue. Cue Alison to yell at him.

– Charla brings out her whistle. It fails to bring a taxi.

– The trailing teams get there together. This is a mad scramble. Five teams are at a taxi stand all calling for taxis. Chip & Kim call for another taxi.

– Kamkar get in first. Then the Pizza Bros. Then Chip & Kim. Then Brandon & Nikki. Then Jim & Marsha. Elsewhere Charla & Mirna get a taxi. Then Colin & Christie.  Well, Erika spotted the cab first but Dennis voluntarily gave it up to Colin & Christie. Justification is because Dennis hated being called a scumbag. Somebody needs thicker skin for a taxi line.

– Erika calls Dennis “Mr. Fairplay”. Note that Survivor: Pearl Islands aired not long before this season was filming.

– Alison & Donny enter the hotel. Donny sees the flag and continues inside but Alison is sceptical. She says a clue must be outside.

– Sure enough she’s right. It’s detour time, b—es!

Zips or Chips. Go to the top of the hotel and walk across some cables to get to an adjacent building. From there teams will plummet into the hotel’s swimming pool. In chips, teams receive twenty chips to play Roulette. They receive their next clue only if they hit their number. It’s not scary but if they lose their chips they will have to do zips anyway.

In other words the detour is set up so the camera crew can get a bunch of exciting zipline shots rather than sitting on your butt in a casino.

– Signs you have a good teammate?

Insta-deflection from Linda! Way to throw your partner to the wolves, Linda.

– KAMKAR: There is a clue across from the hotel.

Clue across from hotell–OH! A FLAG! LET’S HEAD INSIDE!

Across from the Blue & White Hotel. . .Roulette. Tomato, tomato. Big diff.

– Alison & Donny are in the pool. Alison gets the clue. Pit stop time. Casa Pueblo is described as a one-of-a-kind homestead. Okay, Phil.

– Linda & Karen get into the pool second. I wonder if Heidi Strobel thinks they got into the pool faster than Alison because their body fat excess pulls them to the ground faster? I am now visualizing Emmanuel Yarbrough on the zipline. Great stuff.

KAMKAR: Luckily we won it by chance. I don’t know how.

Did anyone tell Kamkar that the only way you win is by chance? Oh, and yes, their number did indeed hit and they get the clue for the pit stop.

– Chip & Kim are outside searching for the clue box.

Across from the Blue and White Hotel. . .Oh! A flag! Let’s head inside! They pass Kamkar on the way out. Isn’t passing Kamkar a sign of trouble?

Looookin for something? Mmhmmhmhmmhmhmhmhm.

KIM: I was wondering why they would give us chips.

– Marshall and Lance are the first team to voluntarily play Roulette. Marshall says he is a lucky guy at Roulette and always plays family birthdays. Sure enough they are behind Chip & Kim and pass them.

– Chip & Kim win at Roulette. They are the first inside a cab. Kim is surprised there was not a detour.

– KAMI: We got the clue at the Blue & White Hotel.
KARLI: There was a blue and white hotel?
KAMI: Yeah, right behind it. Did the clue say across from the blue and white hotel?
KAMKAR: . . . . . .

Aw, poop.

– Charla and Mirna get to the clue. Mirna says they should do chips much to Charla’s chagrin. Mirna thinks it is a sign that they should gamble. Charla plays along because Mirna is shouting louder than ever.

– Jim & Marsha cannot find the Zips rooftop. They try to open a locked door and flick a light on and off for no reason.

– Charla and Mirna succeed. Geez, every team should have done Chips. Mirna asks to do a hit of blackjack. Evidently she needs to go to Gamblers’ Anonymous.


Let me see if this switch opens the door.

Now now Marsha, when the lights go up our detour will APPEAR!

Pennybags fail.

– Chip & Kim and Kamkar arrive at the pit stop together. Chip & Kim race in ahead.

PHIL: Chip & Kim, you are team number one.

CHIP: No way, man!

PHIL: However, you did not pick up a clue. You need to go get it before I can check you in.

CHIP: No way, man!

– Kamkar suffer the same fate. At least both teams knew which clue they missed. Although cuing into the fact that you did not go across from a hotel certainly helps.

– So who comes in first place this leg?

Oddly enough Donny would have made the mistake. The brilliant mind of Alison’s knew that if you are instructed to go across from a hotel, that you do not go INSIDE the hotel. Prepositions are key on the race, people.

Phil says they won a vacation to “beautiful” Hawaii compliments of American Airlines. Just once I’d like Phil to say “you’ve won a vacation to repulsive Alaska which you can hopefully pawn off after the race”.

– Dennis & Erika are at the detour finally. Marsha is nervous because she knew Dennis & Erika were the last taxi.

– Pizza brothers check in 2nd place. Family birthdays ftw. Bowling Moms are third. The two least fit teams occupy two of the top three spots amazingly enough.

– Kamkar’s sound byte of “Por Favor please” is played multiple times to show how desperate their situation is.

– Widows are fourth. Charla and Mirna are fifth. Mirna says her motivation is to see Phil on each leg because he is gorgeous. The first thing she does when Phil checks them in is to hug Phil. Mirna is aggressive in all aspects of her life evidently.

– Jim entered a pool of water with one day old stitches. Doctors are not happy.

– Everyone has completed the detour. Brandon & Nicole are sixth.

NICOLE: That’s my lucky number!

Six is your lucky number? You think Brandon’s religiousness would have been freaked out by the idea of his girlfriend’s favourite number is six.

– Colin is disappointed by a seventh place finish. I would be disappointed too. Why? Because seventh on the first couple legs guarantees you virtually no airtime.

– Chip & Kim return in eighth place. They are optimistic considering they did everything wrong but still come in eighth place.

– Kamkar are ninth. They did far worse than Chip & Kim so they should be in excellent shape for the future.

– Jim says ‘Si’ about twenty times in a row but does it in short breaths so it sounds like he has a stutter of epic proportions.

Jim & Marsha checked in tenth place.

– That means last place belongs to. . .

The scumbag. His worst fear was coming in last. That’s what you get. Scumbag.

Judd agrees.

– Although during their interview things get a bit naughty.

Nothing yet. Then. . .

Sash slip! TMZ is all over this s—. The Uruguayan local is oh so naughty.

– They lost because Dennis is nice. Erika says it’s fine because he is nice as opposed to a jerk. And he did a lot of the work.

Next time on TAR: Alison & Donny get into an immature fight. Charla & Mirna dance. Chip & Kim fight fellow clue misreaders in Kamkar. Let the battle of the illiterates begin! Oh, and the next episode is more than twenty minutes shorter. Thank. God.

Brandon&Nicole 4.2
Kami&Karli 9
Linda&Karen 5.2
Marshall&Lance 4.1
Charla&Mirna 3.7
Dennis&Erika 5.5
Bob&Joyce 2.1
Colin&Christie 1.3
Chip&Kim 8.3
Jim&Marsha 8.8
Alison&Donny 7.6

12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8

9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF

This entry was posted in The Amazing Race, The Amazing Race 5, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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