TUF 4 episode 1

The Ultimate Fighter 4
—————————

Episode 1
———–

– Sixteen fighters. Those who have struggled to break into the UFC.  They are to return, seek revenge, and earn redemption. Wait, that’s the tagline for Heroes vs. Villains. For these three they want to smash a few foos up in the octagon and win the game.

It is The Ultimate Fighter 4: Comeback edition (which is no doubt inspired by Survivor: All Stars and The Amazing Race: All Stars. However, there aren’t any stars in this group with the exception of Mr. International.

– The winner of this season will receive the biggest prize ever–a title shot months after the TUF finale. What? A crappy fighter gets to fight Matt Hughes ahead of GSP or, you know, actual contenders? Poor choice by Dana White? We’ll see.

Intro time!

Welterweights
——
MIKEY BURNETT (Nothing bothers him, but what bothers him. . .)
SHONIE CARTER (FYI: I’ll refer to him as Mr. International from now on)
RICH CLEMENTI
JEREMY JACKSON
CHRIS LYTLE (A comeback for Chris Lytle? Wasn’t he already a well-established sophomore to the UFC universe? He’s Lights Out Lytle, man.)
MATT SERRA (The terra is written over the competitors’ faces)
PETE SPRATT (Weir kicked him pretty good from what I recall)
DIN THOMAS (He’s already fought on previews like Chris Lytle but okay)

-Insert ring girl butt shots here. Heh, been awhile since I’ve watched UFC. Forgot that is a staple of TUF.-

Middleweights
——–
PATRICK COTE (Replacement to fight Tito Ortiz in a rather lopsided affair)
EDWIN DeWEES (Can you have a comeback for a guy who looks like he’s 12? Doesn’t he need to ‘come’ in the first place and leave before it’s a comeback?)
TRAVIS LUTTER
CHARLES MCCARTHY (Never heard of this guy. Doesn’t ring a bell)
JORGE RIVERA (I’ve seen approximately ten fights of his already. Moreso than even Mr. International or Lights Out Lytle. He is seeking to move up from the undercard or the opening fight on a PPV)
GIDEON RAY
PETE SELL
SCOTT SMITH (If his name was less generic I might recall who he is)

TRAINERS
———–
RANDY COUTURE
GSP

2 TITLE SHOTS. OOOOOOO YEAH.

– Las Vegas, Nevada. What the heck is Mr. International wearing?!

International’s get-up:
– Red fedora.
– White bath robe.
– A cane that looks like was stolen from 50 Cent’s Magic Stick stash.
– A gold chain.

You would think it was a rap video but this is really the Super Bowl of Mixed Martial Arts. Wait did I say super bowl? Dang you, Goldberg!

– Dana asks International how big was the suitcase he brought. International doesn’t respond.

SHONIE: This is not a comeback. I was big before I even got here. This is not a comeback. No. Because I was wooping a– before I got here. I want the riches. F— the fame and the b—-es.

Maybe he thinks this is a rap video after all.

– Dana points out that he’s wearing a cubic zirconia. Rap video confirmed.

– Matt the Terra is saying something boring. He comments how he is one of the few to be on PPVs.

– Dana says this season is all about if they have a desire to train every day and do what it takes to be a champion. The answer of course is no.

– They’re all lined up. Everyone is looking tough while International looks like he rolled out of bed after f—ing fame and the b—-es.

– Dana welcomes them to the gym. They’re going to pick teams. But there won’t be team coaches. GSP and Randy Couture will train all sixteen unconditionally.

Everyone wins a preliminary fight, then win the semis, then win the finals, and they’ll get their title shot. International is holding a goblet, gestures it to Dana, and drinks in celebration of the announcement. Does the goblet contain Alize or Malibu? Any guesses? Maybe it’s some mothaf—ing Kool-Aid.

– There are two boxes. One for each weight class. Each person picks a jersey from the box.

Grey team is Matt, International, Din, and Chris for welterweights. Their middleweights are Patrick, Edwin, Pete Sell, and Scott.

Blue team has welterweights consist of Rich, Mikey, Jeremy, and Spratt. Middleweights are Charles, Gideon, Jorge, and Travis. If Sell and Spratt had a different first name, this would have been the easiest season for remembering names ever.

– Training session. International is training in his infamous red briefs. Phillip Sheppard would trump this seven years later.

– Matt comments on how International defeated him in his first fight in the UFC. Possible storyline?

– Mikey Burnett looks extremely beat-up. He says you can’t go through a divorce and alcoholism while fighting in the UFC. He hasn’t fought since his “nothing bothers me, but what bothers me” interview back in ‘99. Back when Pat Miletich didn’t have a fighting system and instead was champion.

– Dana brings all sixteen to the gym. It’s the first coin flip. One side is blue and one side is grey. The colour corresponds to the team. Team who is lucky will get to pick the first match-up of the season. It’s blue. Serra voices how pisseda offa he is with the flip.

– Jorge is the first middleweight confessional of the season. Therefore the first match-up will be in the welterweights. It’s a hunch. International talks about he is the lead horse in his squad back home but here he is struggling. He is vomiting through his mouth and nose. He said that was the first time he has ever vomited in exercise. I am certain he is gone by the end of the episode. Craaaap. Isn’t it going to take a couple rounds to unpack his suitcase? How in the world can he unpack and re-pack all in one episode?

– Holy crap. I haven’t had enough time to say this is the earliest I can recall the first coin toss happening and now it’s definitely the earliest that they’re picking the first match-up. Dana is barking at them to make their pick.

Spratt is picking his man Rich to fight Mr. International. Called it! Knew it had to be welterweight and involve International.

– Rich thinks he can beat International because of his poor shape. International says he’s danced with the devil.

– Weigh-ins already too. Fight must go to decision. Rich is 0-1 in UFC but overall 33-10-1. Dana says Rich won seven fights in a row against tough opponents. He fought in UFC 41 against my favourite lightweight fighter ever Yves Edwards. I love Yves Edwards.

– We’re shown highlights from the fight. Yves’ awesomeness is shown as he pummelled Rich for two rounds then submitted him in the third. I’ve seen at least 10-15 fights of Edwards. He doesn’t need no comeback.

– Rich is the first to utter the R-word (Redemption). I expect that word to be uttered fifteen more times.

– International enters in a blue robe. He unveils it to reveal one of his many speedos. He talks about how he has belts from five organizations and the only organization he’s fought in that he hasn’t won a belt is indeed the UFC. Dana chimes in to say that International crushed Gumm in UFC 24 and won by decision. In UFC 26 he defeated Serrano by decision that was met with boos. In UFC 31, him and Matt Serra fought for three gruelling rounds where Serra was winning the fight until International knocked him out with a spinning backfist with fifteen seconds left on the clock. International jumps in saying he’s in a hall of fame because everyone is trying his spinning backfist now. In UFC 53, International went up against TUF 1 alum Nate Quarry who knocked out International within seconds. After an impromptu rap after victories in WEC he is ready to make a comeback. For the face-off International pulls out a Bison-like expression on his face. He explains that he has fought five guys at one time, he has been shot at, he has had knives pulled on him, and his baby mama #2 threw an iron skillet at him. I wonder if it’s a game of Malarky where one of those is not true?

– International pulls out bunny ears during the face-off too after he gives up his cane. Rich told him to lose the cane multiple times.

– Din thinks something isn’t right in Mr. International’s brain and that he came out here to be only on television. I wouldn’t be surprised if that were true.

– International spray-painted UFC logos in the house to make it red-yellow-red. He is wearing diamond-studded UFC hats. In addition, he is wearing a yellow robe.

– It’s the next morning. International is wearing an old man golf hat, a robe, and another cane.

– Serra is surprised he will be International’s main coach and be in his corner. There’s no mention of Couture and GSP thus far. Neither have said a word. Then we launch into promo time. Rich says International will win if his uncle is on the Fighting Commission. One of the more creative insults that I have heard.

INTERNATIONAL – CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 81-15-8
RICH CLEMENTI – SLIDELL, LOUISIANA 33-10-1

What a difference between the fight records we saw in the original three seasons. One fighter has over 100 pro fights and the other is nearing 50. My goodness. Oh, and a butt shot. That means we’re ready to fight.

Two 5-minute rounds. If it’s a draw we go to sudden victory. No mention of 5k bonuses for submission or knockout. I am guessing their contracts must be too large for that to be an incentive.

Big John is our referee. My money is on Rich winning.

– The fight is sponsoured by Old Spice. They circle for 22 seconds. Rich punches while International kicks. Rich fires a kick. International fires an overhand but Rich sneaks underneath to clutch and throw him into the fence. Rich is in side mount. International uses the fence to spin around and get out. Rich gets International’s back standing up again. They’re in a clinch against the fence (International on the fence). International throws him away in a spasm of energy. They’re in the centre. They exchange punches. International is getting the better of the exchanges. International has a head kick and fires two wild punches that misses. The Babe Ruth of swinging for the fences. Rich fires a kick but the only thing that lands is Rich’s knee on International’s face. A couple more exchanges. International opts for a clinch. International tosses Rich onto the ground. Rich is on the bottom. He grabs International’s wrist and has legs wrapped around International’s head. International gets out and is in side control for the first time. Action has stalled. Serra’s voice is the loudest. International gives up and stands up. He stares at Rich who is laying on the ground. International is lightly kicking. Big John stands them up. They get into another clinch. End of round.

– Rich is slimy. Slimy. I’m slimy, coach.

– Round two. They high five to start out the round as opposed to touch gloves. Rich tosses International down. Rich is in full mount. International is rolling but it fails for twenty seconds. Rich is flattening him out more and more. International uses his lanky legs to push off the fence again. Rich grabs International’s wrist again and is attempting to yank on it as much as possible. International gets out. He is in Rich’s guard. International squeezes in a few punches but none of them connect. Less than three minutes remain. Rich brings the guard tighter but International is able to create distance. Rich sneaks in a couple elbows but they’re more annoying than effective. International gets out of guard and is in side control. It’s north-south now. Rich tricks International to give up north-south in exchange for full guard after Rich wrapped tighter. International is avoiding Rich’s rolly-polly submission attempts on the ground. International eventually has ahold of Rich on the ground. Rich stands up and is in a clinch with International on the fence. They break the clinch. International is missing kicks and punches. Rich goes for a clinch. Fifteen seconds left. They swing for the fences in the closing seconds. Decent fight.

I think this fight is pretty even. Rich has round one and International has round two. It’s going to come up with point scores from the judges. I stand by that International is gone this episode.

International won by unanimous decision. Wow. I was wrong. They didn’t build any suspense for points whatsoever. Fight is done and International’s antics will continue for a few more episodes.

– Rich is sitting in the loser’s chair. He whines about International being slippery. Dana says he might have another shot. Clearly after seasons two and three it has been proven that the insane number of season-ending injuries can go to the extent that fighters who aren’t even in the correct weight class will come back and switch weight classes to fill an empty slot. He is then expressing how it was a great experience.

PREDICTION: Rich’s story doesn’t feel conclusive at all. I think he’ll come back and Mr. International will suffer a devastating injury within the next couple episodes. The editing so far has been screaming that International’s departure is downright disappointing.

Next time on TUF: The terrible team names are used more frequently. Team No Love and Mo Jo if I’m not mistaken.

P.S. Thank you to whoever from Bosnia and Herzegovina is reading my blog!

P.P.S. Record low percentage of fighters received a confessional. The coaches are nowhere to be seen. Jorge Rivera must go deep because he is the ONLY middleweight to receive a confessional. What up with that?

Welterweights
———-
MIKEY BURNETT 1
MR. INTERNATIONAL 13
RICH CLEMENTI 9
JEREMY JACKSON 0
CHRIS LYTLE 3
MATT SERRA 7
PETE SPRATT 0
DIN THOMAS 3

Middleweights
——–
PATRICK COTE 0
EDWIN DeWEES 0
TRAVIS LUTTER 0
CHARLES MCCARTHY 0
JORGE RIVERA 1
GIDEON RAY 0
PETE SELL 0
SCOTT SMITH 0

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