Previously on TAR: Millie & Chuck argued, cried, and worried about their future while the camera zooms in on her mole. Tian & Jaree snatch maps. Steve & Dave were eliminated to eradicate all ‘Steves’ from the season once and for all. Three gone in five legs. With the viewers no longer confused, who will go home tonight? By the way, the sound byte they played from Dave was that he would keep the cheese.
– Military battle music plays as Phil introduces us to the super serious and combative country of Netherlands.
It’s this week’s edition of Phil in a turtleneck. He switched in red for classic white. Savour the moment, people. This is the last time we see Phil in a turtleneck. His promiscuousness will reach new heights when he starts exposing his neck.
Will Millie & Chuck sustain their lead now that they used/wasted their Fast Forward? And can Tian & Jaree work together? And how long until Phil acknowledges one of the other five teams?
– Millie & Chuck depart at 2:25am in the rain. Millie SHRIEKS when she sees they’re going to India. Mumbai, India that is. Formerly Bombay. So leg six and TAR repeats another country in their short catalogue. At least we’re headed to the east side.
– The clowns leave the pit stop. Al makes another poop joke that he was happy to come in #2 last leg. Really, guys? The cow manure jokes were sooooooo episode five.
– Sheree gets a rare confessional when she talks about her relationship with Monica reaching a whole new level after spending this much time with her. She doesn’t bother with much more insight than this.
– David wants to run the race conservative. Jeff wants to run it like a business deal and be focused. I doubt any of this means anything.
– Tian & Jaree depart one hour after David & Jeff.
JAREE: We’re not going to get through (this leg) if we keep fighting.
I disagree. You guys have fought for five consecutive legs and are still alive in the race. In fact I think that’s a point for Feminism.
Patriarchy: 12 Feminists: 4.0
– The gay married couple consider a connecting flight to Mumbai through Milan. Kong specifically asks if the weather is fine in Milan. Is that foreshadowing? Anyways, the connection is very tight. The next flight that everyone else is on will be a direct route that will get in forty minutes later. So do you opt for the tight connection go for a forty minute lead but could put you too far behind to catch up or do you stay with the pack? If this were Andre & Damon we’d know exactly what they’d do:
Don’t drift from the pack. If you lose the pack, you’ll be eliminated.
But maybe because Reichen & DK do just fine racing on their own, there’s more thinking to be done.
Am I the only one who thinks the employee behind the ticket counter looks like Sean Hayes?
– Clowns call Monica & Sheree the “NFL Chicks” and David & Jeff as “The Goats”.
– Reichen & DK decide to go against Team 9-1-1’s sage advice and go for the connecting flight. It works, and they get a 40 minute lead. They arrive at 10:50pm while the other six teams arrive at 11:30pm.
We’re no longer in Europe! Hoo-rah!
And what’s the best way to break in a new continent?
Da-da-dadada-da-da-da-da-da-da-dada dada…oh, we’re racing?
– Editors show the same taxi driver driving two different taxis. Apparently he is driving Monica & Sheree as well as Kelly & Jon. Don’t know what that’s about.
We collect some ‘I didn’t mean to say that!’ quotes:
TIAN: I love being in a new place. It smells different–
JAREE: Oh IT smells different.
Be weary of karma, Jaree!
DAVID: We’re going straight into the desert to be sacrificed.
The best part is that Jeff is waiting in the cab while he delivers this brilliant one-liner.
– Reichen & DK get to the Bollywood studio a.k.a. first route marker. Search the stage inside for the next clue. The stage opens at 9:30am. If teams knew this I think they’d wait to get on a flight that gets in at 9:15am.
– Teams arrive at the route marker at 1:30am.
– Producers go way over the top with ethnic music. It’s like they want to portray it as some ‘other’ land.
Millie & Chuck and the Clowns get a full thirty seconds discussing how lucky we are and saying she would donate the money to the people here. They really want the viewers to root for them.
I remember my mom took this as an opportunity to tell me that we are all lucky and I should feel lucky. I don’t know why but that stuck with me after ten years.
– All of the teams get on bikes and ride to the Bollywood stage. The goats get there first and David claims it.
Detour time. The coolest mellow hip hoppy remix I’ve ever heard TAR use can be heard in the background for this explanation. Suds or Duds. Suds requires you to wash a load of laundry by hand in vats until you can see the clue printed on one of the articles of clothing. Duds requires you to find a hard-to-find shop and search a million sauries/sorees/sourees/saourees/whatever they’re called until you find one with a clue printed on it. You must get to both detours by using India’s bewildering public transportation.
The fun is just getting started, folks.
– Everyone starts to run wildly in opposite directions trying to find a bus while Reichen & DK grab their bikes and ride back to the start of the route marker. Personally I think bikes are faster.
– TIAN: Jaree! She can’t run. It sucks. We’re way behind.
JAREE: Everyone is ahead of us anyway.
I like your logic, Jaree. Note to future racers: When you’re in last, avoid using any techniques that might help you catch up in a foot race.
– Kelly & Jon yell for David & Jeff to get on the bus. Alliance in the making? Millie avoids an asthma attack and gets on.
– Reichen & DK arrive at the train station. It’s time for some fun.
The funny thing is that I currently ride on the public transit that is officially the highest in demand for further additions. So crowded public transportation where you have zero personal space and stand for over an hour at a time is something I’m used to. In fact, my first experience with my university bus rides on the highway is comparing it to the public transportation of leg six in TAR 4. Yep, that was the first comparison to pop in my head a couple years ago.
Reichen & DK squeeze inside.
Kelly & Jon and David & Jeff aren’t satisfied with the lack of room and decide to wait for the next train. You have to be aggressive on public transit. I can teach y’all. As long as you have an arm and a bar to balance there shouldn’t be any complaints.
– Who really has it the worst is the camera and audio crew. The camera crew has to mount a camera on one shoulder and balance expensive equipment while taping meaningful footage. The audio crew has a gigantic microphone to handle. That’s why TAR deserves every award they get.
Kelly complains her booty is being pinched.
– Are producers going out of their way to flood Chuck’s claustrophobia? Despite his hesitation Chuck manages to squeeze inside.
– Tian & Jaree get on the train. Jaree’s first words when she gets on the train?
JAREE: Ow. Somebody just grabbed my boob, man. Don’t grab my boob dude or I’ll throw you off the train.
(Rest of train giggles.)
Patriarchy: 12 Feminists: 3.0
JAREE: Ow! Ow! Why are they pinching me?!
Patriarchy: 23 Feminists: 3.0
Patriarchy: 431 Feminists: 2.0
This isn’t really a scene where you can say ‘this is my favourite part,’ but the editors insert the creepiest photo possible. It’s during Jaree’s Fondling.
Remember that Jaree is yelling about being dry raped on the train.
I’ve seen this season four or five times but this is the first instance I’ve caught onto that. Whichever camera crew worked to get that shot please tell me how you did it.
CAMERA GUY: Okay. I want you to imitate Herman Cain’s slow smile.
EAST INDIAN: Who is Herman Cain?
CAMERA GUY: Oh, a candidate who runs for president nine years from now. I want you to do a three-second slow smile.
EAST INDIAN: You mean like this:
(EAST INDIAN slow smiles.)
CAMERA GUY: Got it! Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll discreetly fondle Jaree while she doesn’t notice. I’ll pay you thirty American dollars if you take the blame.
But seriously, this is the worst a team has been treated for their gender since Nancy & Emily, a team who annoyed me in TAR 1, were not sold train tickets in, whaddayaknow, India because they were women.
Sadly, balancing things on your nose won’t be a roadblock.
– Phil pipes in to remind us what the detour is. Ten minutes showing off the train station has distracted us that these teams are really putting up with this to win a million dollars and likely never visit Mumbai ever again.
– Reichen & DK and David & Jeff complete the detour. They take taxis. Kelly & Jon take the bus. At least it’s not the train.
– Millie washes a local’s clothes and threw them into the dirty water. Oh, Chuck finds the marked clothes. The local gets angry. Another reason to add to the anti-America propaganda–they washed our clothes with dirty water.
– Tian cheers when she uncovers the clue in the vat. She insists for all of the men in the area to rejoice as well. I think the last thing you want to do is encourage the men after your booty got black and blue on the train, Tian.
– Monica & Sheree have an uneventful train ride and quickly complete the detour yet they said they had to wash their laundry twice before getting the clue.
– Jeff and DK arrive together at the roadblock. Load up a basket with twenty of a specific type of fish and carry them back to the vendor. DK says they’ll work together because India is a free for all.
Jeff and DK complete the task simultaneously. They get in a taxi race to Gateway of India. DK’s five second lead at the roadblock is erased when David & Jeff get a taxi nearby. They are bumper to bumper. When David & Jeff exit the taxi, Reichen & DK’s cab was an inch away from running them over like Shola or Doyin’s ankle.
It seems that cruises will be offered as the winning prize until the end of the race because David & Jeff, considered by many to be the most boring team at this point, are awarded it.
– Kelly no longer wants to be a part of the team as she lets Jon do his fourth roadblock of the race.
Chuck, Jon, then Tian complete the roadblock. Tian has now done five roadblocks. After she exits Monica & Sheree enter and Monica finishes in a three-second segment.
– Millie & Chuck are fourth. The clowns get into a foot race with Tian & Jaree. Tian & Jaree have a better sense of direction and beat out the clowns. They totally thought they were gone and get sixth. Five seconds later editors let us see Monica & Sheree. They’re eliminated immediately.
I have to take an aside. Monica & Sheree were barely shown this leg. They received significant amount of airtime in legs prior with Monica narrating a huge chunk of crap but for some reason they were reduced to quick little sound byte confessionals once they hit India. Were they too depressing for any of their footage to get shown because of the train station and not adapting to a not-so-clean environment because they are married to professional athletes? Woops, didn’t mean to say that. Their status as NFL wives didn’t come up in this episode either. You think their pre-race status would be the one exploited the most in their farewell. I think David & Jeff were far more distinctive than Monica & Sheree this leg. It was actually the first time I recall rooting for David & Jeff when this season initially aired. Monica & Sheree become an afterthought and must’ve been unable to be presentable on camera that they end their run on a really low note.
Next time on TAR: Jon gets nasty talking about Millie’s mole. Kelly says something hurts. Tian is unable to hold onto something. And Tian screams.
Patriarchy: 172 Feminists (after an all-female team gets eliminated, moleyness, Kelly whining, Tian’s weakness and screaming): -47.2
1) Hamlet near Amsterdam -> Mumbai (An incredible leg. The equalizer occurs at a time that makes sense when teams arrive at the first route marker at 2:00am. The season gets a breath of fresh air (poor pun I know) in India as it contrasts with the central European spamming where it’s either cold, recreational, or gondolas everywhere. The train ride is one of the most daring ventures in filmmaking as teams get one of the biggest culture shocks in recent memory. Millie ruins a stranger’s clothes, the infamous creeper smile, and a leg that has you engaged from start to finish is TAR at its finest.)
2) Marseilles -> Hamlet near Amsterdam that nobody cares about (The only European leg to not feature any equalizers. It’s incredible. The rivalry between Kelly & Jon and Millie & Chuck increases when they equally share nasty names for each other when the audio crew is nearby. A detour where teams put up with a lot of crap is fun to watch. Don’t forget the phallic roadblock. Tian’s sunglasses are a highlight too. Did I mention everyone in Amsterdam looks like they’re stoned? Oops. Will my Arts editor edit that one out? But seriously, this should’ve been the first leg of the season. It could’ve set the tone for the whole season.)
3) Venice -> Gmunden (There’s only one equalizer but it’s before the detour and roadblock. It’s an inspired leg for racing in central Europe. Producers bring out fiacres straight out of the 19th century, Beethoven vs. Mozart as a detour because they had the biggest rivalry until Yankees vs. Red Sox, and the largest tower jump in Europe is acceptable enough for a mindless task. Now to the highlights. Millie and DK get into a scrap where the female virgin cuts DK (although it’d be funnier if the gay guy cuts the virgin — C’MON, the irony of the situation!), Tian and Jaree get into a fight over who knows what, and Kelly goes into full on Southern Flo mode. Millie’s asthma attack where Josh sneaks into the frame is great, too. Also, Steve & Dave surviving the third leg was the most surprising thing I’ve ever witnessed in TAR history at this point in time. Steve & Dave were hours behind Russell & Cindy, the only task remaining was to take a train to the pit stop, and in the scenario that Steve & Dave arrive in Gmunden first, how could they possibly avoid being outrun by Russell & Cindy to the pit stop? Steve & Dave’s reaction when they get to the pit stop is hilarious too. They were as shocked as we were that they were ninth.)
4) L.A. -> Cortina D’ampezzo (Over an hour premiere is a good idea. Particularly when all twelve teams get airtime. Sure, I agree it’s the weakest premiere yet when teams have to find the best airplane ticket then the best bus ticket for the first forty minutes. Jaree abandoning a coffee before she can drink it while in last place is memorable for me. The most satisfying part of the episode is when Debra & Steve get eliminated. If you look up their interview on RNO you’ll see them agree that they aren’t the most exciting television to watch.)
5) Gmunden -> Marseilles (I s’pose it was an okay leg. Not that great. I’m happy teams were able to drive themselves this leg which producers wanted to be a rarity this season for whatever stupid reason. Nowhere near as much tension on an intra basis this leg except the mild bickering between the father-son. Chuck panicking about tight spaces and a roadblock coming before detour makes this memorable enough. I wish the detour had a bit more originality. It took DK’s inability to follow directions to make this one entertaining. I don’t know. The leg otherwise feels a bit flat.)
6) Cortina D’ampezzo -> Venice (Okay. This leg isn’t THAT bad. The mountain rafting looked awesome. Kelly & Jon snow rafting without a raft was hilarious. The guy at the pit stop could have bitten his thumb at the teams. Gondola race was neat. Reichen & DK hanging onto the doors when a bus arrives to put them at the back of the line is a funny little moment. Did you know it was revealed that David & Jeff held onto the doors as well? However, a couple of equalizers in a 17-hour leg makes this one of the sloppiest designs to a leg in TAR.)
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
See you next episode.