Previously on TAR: Teams are wearing out mentally and physically. Couples are fighting. Reichen & DK fight with everyone. Jon jumped backwards. The father & son are the only team mentioned specifically outside of the virgins and DK. Who will be eliminated tonight? And what groundbreaking twists will occur for the first time ever in TAR?
– We’re told the pit stop is a castle in Gmund. No, not Gmund. Gmunden! Will Millie & Chuck continue to be slowed down by Millie’s asthma? Will Reichen & DK tone down their aggressiveness? Steve & Josh, who arrived at 2:57pm will depart at 2:57am.
– Fly to Paris then ride public transportation to Le Mans raceway. It’s four legs in and teams have yet to drive themselves. What up with that? Were there four legs in TAR 1, TAR 2, and TAR 3 where teams didn’t drive themselves? This is Europe after all. I doubt teams will be driving much once we get into Asia.
– Josh says you can’t drive to Salzberg. Steve says you can because it’s only eighty kilometres. The clock is ticking. Your lead will be erased in three, two, one. . .Yep. Lead is gone. Josh gets his way when they ride to the train station to save the eighty to one-hundred fifty bucks. Not to mention the train doesn’t leave until 5:00am when airports will open. Less than an hour later at 3:51am the first words we hear are. . .
Four effin legs in a row. Sheree’s expression reflects that of the audience when Monica speaks. Note how Monica is the ONLY ONE who talks about being married to a professional athlete. Sheree has yet to speak about football, husbands, and luxuries. Sheree doesn’t fall into any of that stereotype crap.
– DK worries about getting too competitive. Jaree tries to grab a map from Tian but she takes it away.
– Steve bets Josh five bucks they all drive directly to the airport. He goes so far as to call his son ‘Little McScrooge’. Steve will go down as the first male figure to complain about youth NOT spending their money. Josh says if Steve is wrong that he doesn’t want to hear a word from him. It’s like Christian Slater and his dad in Heathers when they switch parental roles.
– Millie & Chuck wait for Jon & Al. They have an alliance. Although Amanda & Chris’ interview stated them, Steve & Josh, and Steve & Dave were in this alliance too, it would be too complicated for the audience to comprehend. Although wasn’t there the Twin Hunt alliance?
– Kelly says she’s sick of looking at Jon’s a$$. While she is saying this we get an extended shot of none other than. . .
Yep. While she’s talking about Jon’s a$$, the camera crew shows an extended shot of Kelly’s a$$. The sad part is that it’s not the first time they’ve shown an extended shot of Kelly’s booty during the race. I recall an out-of-place one back in leg two.
– Kelly asks Millie for directions. Millie refuses. Kelly proceeds to trash an opposing racer for the first time this season.
– Reichen & Chip move from standby to receiving tickets for the first flight to Paris with the Feminists and the newly coined Team Supremes. The NFL wives nickname is officially done!
High five for mounting an inevitable sure-fire comeback! Look out. No knees, a black eye, and a FF used in a prior leg, there’s nothing that will make it safe to go back into the water.
But seriously, I love how much of a joke these two think that they survived three eliminations. They’re so banged up that even Lance from TAR 5 could move at a faster rate.
– Jon & Al and Millie & Chuck sneak away to a different train. Meanwhile Kelly & Jon convince Steve & Dave to race together because they know they can beat Steve & Dave in a foot race. I believe Steve & Josh did this in leg one to ensure they could pad their lead on the first flight.
– Reichen & Chip are kicked off the flight in Frankfurt because their seats were in business class. Oh well. The next flight to Paris was less than two hours later.
– For the third leg in a row Kelly & Jon are in dead last. They take the time to coin Steve & Dave as the BFGs which is an acronym for the Big Fat Guys. I was waiting for this nickname to be announced because now I can cut down ten extra letters each time I refer to them. Kelly scores a point for this blog.
– Dave’s confessional from leg one is used.
“If there is a foot race, Steve and I will finish way behind. . .If we can use our brains, we’ll do just fine.”
Get it? Because they’re fat and slow.
– Paris time finally. 11:00am. Supremes are in first when they find a faster train. Feminists and DK get on the 12:00pm train.
– 1919: The Treaty of Versailles.
1939: Hitler invades Poland.
1969: Man lands on the Moon.
1970s: Disco is prevalent.
1989: Berlin Wall was torn down.
1992: Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series.
2000: Richard Hatch wins the first season of Survivor.
OH. MY. GOD. LOOK AT THEIR HANDS. THAT’S A ROADBLOCK. BUT THE DETOUR HASN’T HAPPENED YET.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU F—ERS!? ARE YOU MAD?! THERE HASN’T BEEN A DETOUR YET!!!!
Mind = blown.
That’s right. TAR experiments with doing a roadblock before the detour. What joint circles did they have when they ate, slept, and mingled with the other teams? Yeesh. Unbelievable. The most revolutionary thing to happen in TAR since they expanded to twelve teams. But I digress.
– The det–er, roadblock for this leg is simple. Nail in tires on a race car then hop into the passenger seat of the race car and ride for a full lap. So basically you only need to change tires at a pit stop. Luckily this pit stop is a pre-determined non-elimination location. Ziiiiing.
The roadblock hint: Who can fit into a tight space?
Keep that in mind. I thought of a cruel joke.
– Sheree explains this is the first roadblock before a detour. Now teams have a while to catch up before the detour. Although she fails to be aware that before doing a detour gave you a while to catch up before the roadblock thus creating no difference.
– Drive to Marseilles. Or as Sheree says, drive to “Marsells”. I like butchered pronunciations. It makes me feel better about myself. Note that this will be the first time teams get to drive themselves.
– Tian & Jaree and Reichen & DK arrive at the det–roadblock at the same time. Tian gets a five second head start on DK.
TIAN (re-used confessional): We’re just as strong as the guys. I want to show how strong women can be.
It’s a close one, ladies and gentlemen. Who will score this round?
DK’s rally and surpassing Tian scores a point for this round.
Patriarchy: 8 Feminism: 1.7
– DK says it was a dream come true to drive in Le Mans with a race car driver. Some people dream of being a firefighter or a police officer. But not DK. He wanted to be in Le Mans with a race car driver. That’s a very specific dream.
– Okay. Remember when I said the roadblock hint requires you to fit in a tight space?
A tight space.
Likes tight spaces, too.
Married to professional Tight Ends. (c wut i did thar/)
Well as long as they choose Millie I s’pose they’ll be fine.
Uh oh. You want to re-think that one? After all as I recall Chuck is a. . .
What does that say at the bottom of the screen? Oh yes. He’s a virgin.
I thought when the hint read “Who can fit into a tight space?” would frighten Chuck. Oh well he should be fine.
So far he’s doing fine. See, tight spaces aren’t so bad Chuck. Although when I stand on a bus and we’re all packed in so tightly together, I’m always freaking out and have cried from the tightness a couple times.
Awww, Chuck was freaked out by the tight space. Just take your time and get back inside. Then everything will be allllllright.
He even gives us this brilliant confessional.
CHUCK: I’ve never done anything like that. As far as being in a tight space I was freaked out for a little while. I was nervous.
And that concludes this edition of Sexual Metaphors on The Amazing Race.
So does that make Millie the only virgin on the team now?
– Jeff completes the roadblock in less than ten seconds.
Now I know why Flo let Zach do all the roadblocks. . .
– Another effing equalizer in this leg. Route marker doesn’t open for nearly another twelve hours until 9:00am in Marseilles. Although Kelly & Jon don’t get there until 5:30am. How many lives do Kelly & Jon have? Third leg in a row where an equalizer saves them.
– Teams slowly park along the shoulder of the road because security says they can’t park in front of the gate. Teams sleep in their cars. Feminists and Reichen & DK sleep in a hotel. When Feminists get to the gate, security stops them and says to park there because too many teams are parked on the road. They’re in first. David & Jeff and Steve & Dave confront both teams. Steve gives this brilliant line:
Fear the stache.
STEVE: You guys check your tires. Girls, you too. Kehhh, because you’ll never know what will happen. (insert wink and thumbs up here)
You gonna let a MAN boss you around, Tian? You gonna let the straight white men boss you around DK?
This Kong ain’t nothing to mess with. Don’t make him throw barrels at you.
– Reichen & DK pull to the back of the line. DK blows up at everyone else for questioning his integrity.
– So what will the Feminists do? Who gets to score this time?
Tian stands and lets all of that testosterone get their way. Considering she lets David & Jeff, Jon & Al, Steve & Josh, Steve & Dave, and Reichen & Chip all pass her and dominate her in the race, the scoreboard will reflect this change:
Patriarchy: 12 Feminism: 1.7
– Teams arrive at the lighthouse and are instructed to go to the Gorges Du Blavet/whatever the heck it’s pronounced. It’s been four years since I completed French in high school. My spelling might not be as good as usual. Kelly calls Millie as Millie the Mole for the second time this episode.
– David & Jeff get to the gorges in the lead. Reichen & DK park near a flag (it was supposed to be a banner) on the road (the clue said a marked parking lot) and walk through the forest (it was supposed to be a marked path) to get to their next clue. Let’s see how they succeed!
– It’s road–er, detour time! Ropes or Slopes from the Dieselgate leg in TAR 3 is revived.
This puddle from Super Off Road is apart of the marked path to the route marker, I’m sure of it!”
– The Clowns get to the clue box with the lead despite finishing the roadblock behind David & Jeff, Chateau Des Aillenes is the next pit stop. Kelly & Jon have catapulted into second. David & Jeff revive their detour fail from leg one. Too bad there’s no snow mobile instructor to tell them otherwise.
– Eight minutes left in the episode and Feminists opt for the FF. I’ll be amazed if their lead is more than thirty minutes. The FF requires them to solve a tile puzzle that reveals the location of the pit stop. Six minutes and no one has checked in.
– David & Jeff find the clue and lost at least thirty minutes in the process. They’re in fifth because of their Mr. MaGoo eyes.
– Kelly & Jon lead the pack. Equalizers have saved them to insane degrees.
– Reichen & DK get to the detour and are slightly behind Steve & Dave.
– Jon gets directions from the locals.
JON: This doesn’t look right. Maybe the French are idiots.
Normally I’d say that would be offensive, but in this case Jon is definitely right. The French are indeed idiots. I got into the ring yesterday with Glass Joe and Gabby Jay, and can safely say (that rhymed) that the French are idiots and are losers. Luckily Jon can insult them without fearing any backlash, because if Jon is beaten up TAR will step in and give him twelve hours to recover and try again. Ah, equalizers.
– In the 40th minute, Tian & Jaree are team number one. Is this the latest initial check-in for a leg ever? Like for all one-hour episodes in nineteen seasons of TAR? Somebody out there needs to prove me wrong. Usually it’s around minute 30-35 that the leading team creeps in during the Fast Forward era.
– While I typed the previous statement Jon & Al and Millie & Chuck tied for second, Monica & Sheree finished fourth, Kelly & Jon lost thirty minutes because “French are idiots,” Reichen & DK crack into fifth despite finishing the roadblock last, David & Jeff finish sixth without saying a word.
– Suspense in minute 41. Will it be Kelly & Jon or BFGs who will end up last? TAR wastes a mere five seconds to give us the news.
Kelly & Jon are seventh. Jon is disgusted with the finish and the French.
And with yet another Philly turtleneck. The red is blinding.
I s’pose this is long overdue. Phil breaks them the news. They’re team number eight. Wait, what?
Yep, they’re eighth. Dave is confused as we are and shrugs it off anyway. Did we forget somebody? I certainly hope the seven teams are grabbing a baguette to eat before the BFGs clear the table. They have the worst high five I’ve seen in my life.
– Steve & Josh get to the gorges in the dusk.
Oh right. Them. Well, they ran a terrible leg. They took a train to the airport to be behind everyone. Then they caught up at the airport but finished the roadblock near the end of the pack. Then they get in the top five of the pack but drift to being way behind in last place. Whatever happened to the team that finished 1st-9th-1st-9th. Go big or go home with their racing strategy, evidently. Rivers Cuomo and his dad are officially out of the race.
Next time on TAR: A normal leg. That means none of this roadblock before a detour insanity.
1) Venice -> Gmunden (There’s only one equalizer but it’s before the detour and roadblock. It’s an inspired leg for racing in central Europe. Producers bring out fiacres straight out of the 19th century, Beethoven vs. Mozart as a detour because they had the biggest rivalry until Yankees vs. Red Sox, and the largest tower jump in Europe is acceptable enough for a mindless task. Now to the highlights. Millie and DK get into a scrap where the female virgin cuts DK (although it’d be funnier if the gay guy cuts the virgin — C’MON, the irony of the situation!), Tian and Jaree get into a fight over who knows what, and Kelly goes into full on Southern Flo mode. Millie’s asthma attack where Josh sneaks into the frame is great, too. Also, Steve & Dave surviving the third leg was the most surprising thing I’ve ever witnessed in TAR history at this point in time. Steve & Dave were hours behind Russell & Cindy, the only task remaining was to take a train to the pit stop, and in the scenario that Steve & Dave arrive in Gmunden first, how could they possibly avoid being outrun by Russell & Cindy to the pit stop? Steve & Dave’s reaction when they get to the pit stop is hilarious too. They were as shocked as we were that they were ninth.)
2) L.A. -> Cortina D’ampezzo (Over an hour premiere is a good idea. Particularly when all twelve teams get airtime. Sure, I agree it’s the weakest premiere yet when teams have to find the best airplane ticket then the best bus ticket for the first forty minutes. Jaree abandoning a coffee before she can drink it while in last place is memorable for me. The most satisfying part of the episode is when Debra & Steve get eliminated. If you look up their interview on RNO you’ll see them agree that they aren’t the most exciting television to watch.)
3) Gmunden -> Marseilles (I s’pose it was an okay leg. Not that great. I’m happy teams were able to drive themselves this leg which producers wanted to be a rarity this season for whatever stupid reason. Nowhere near as much tension on an intra basis this leg except the mild bickering between the father-son. Chuck panicking about tight spaces and a roadblock coming before detour makes this memorable enough. I wish the detour had a bit more originality. It took DK’s inability to follow directions to make this one entertaining. I don’t know. The leg otherwise feels a bit flat.)
4) Cortina D’ampezzo -> Venice (Okay. This leg isn’t THAT bad. The mountain rafting looked awesome. Kelly & Jon snow rafting without a raft was hilarious. The guy at the pit stop could have bitten his thumb at the teams. Gondola race was neat. Reichen & DK hanging onto the doors when a bus arrives to put them at the back of the line is a funny little moment. Did you know it was revealed that David & Jeff held onto the doors as well? However, a couple of equalizers in a 17-hour leg makes this one of the sloppiest designs to a leg in TAR.)
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF