TAR 4 ranking episode 3

Third leg

Previously on TAR: Reichen calls Steve & Josh “Weezer & Geezer” so viewers don’t argue amongst themselves when they’re trying to understand which Steve they’re talking about. Reichen put his backpack in front of the door but we’re not explained why so the segment won’t make sense. Russell & Cindy, who rarely speak to each other apparently have talked enough for tempers to flare. Just for the hell of it, we’ll mention Tian & Jaree are fighting too.  Amanda & Chris were eliminated because Amanda says Chris was a jerk. Four teams have been mentioned: Which one of these four teams will be eliminated tonight?

– Phil asks will Steve & Dave be able to stay in despite lingering pains from injuries sustained on the first leg?

With a cut knee, an abused liver, and forcing all of your weight onto one leg, the cure for all of these pains is heart-clogging chicken wings! Dave means business. Steve needs to eat more wings if he wants to be as prepared as Dave heading into the next leg. Protect that lead, boys!

– Phil asks will Cindy try to get in closer with Russell to get to the front of the pack. I don’t know–oh Steve & Dave who sat down to eat Leif Manson at 2:45pm, licked their plates clean to check out of the pit stop at 2:45am.

– Leg three and we’re leaving Italy. However, it’s only a train ride as opposed to the typical thousand mile plane rides we see at this point. The previous leg must’ve taken around fifteen hours total with that math then.

– Reichen thinks the rest of the competition views him as arrogant.

– Kelly wants to be fifty percent as opposed to two percent of the team. She ain’t no milk variant, Jon. Her version of 50/50 is to yell at Jon to come on. By that logic, Flo was one hundred percent of the team last season.

– Teams are departing by 5:19am. Let’s think on that for a bit. The roadblock from last leg started at 5:00pm.  So to complete the roadblock AND get to the pit stop can take as little as twenty minutes? That means some teams were faster than how long the roadblock took for all nine teams on TV. That’s a technical foul by production. Horrible equalizer. But I digress.

– Cindy gets another solo confessional. Three legs and they’re still two separate teams.

– Millie and Chuck have very disjointed confessionals. Chuck says he doesn’t know if he wants to get married or not. Millie can’t wait Chuck forever again.

– Monica says being professional athletes told them it’s not over until it’s over. Obligatory NFL wives confessional fulfilled?

– All teams (sans Steve & Dave) are bunched at the train station.

– Monica & Sheree form an alliance with Reichen & DK because they’re the two minorities. Monica forgot to mention that Reichen & DK are working with David & Jeff who are a minority of their own — they were born without a TV-friendly personality.

– Everyone scurries to the train except for Millie and Chuck who are having sex!

This is the peak of Millie & Chuck’s sex life after twelve years.

But seriously this woman is having an asthma attack. Suck on the inhaler Chuck is placing so firmly into your throat, dear Millie.

This asthma attack is getting my laptop steamy. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

– The whole segment is about how nice the clowns are for staying behind to help with Millie & Chuck. The train has LEFT. Jon & Al  are such nice clowns. All other teams are a–holes and are gone pursuing a million bucks.

I’ve never noticed this before. Either Josh stayed behind or this was shown out of sequence. That’d be funny if this scene wasn’t meant to include Josh and its intent was for viewers to fantard over Jon & Al.

– Tian and Jaree get into another fight. Apparently the sight of Kelly triggers their ridiculous feud. I’m getting a bit tired of finding new ways to make fun of the ridiculous female model stereotype team. It’s time I bring in a guest to ramble.

You after ten NFL wife jokes.

Oh, our guest is here.

Hey, Troyzan, what’s up?

–These chicks be crazy. Cindy can’t work with Russell because Russell knows what he’s doing. The dude works. You don’t need to listen to Cindy, man. And those biker babes? God. Jaree’s smoker breath must be unbearable. No wonder why Tian is so irritable. They can’t work as a team when you have that much estrogen in such close proximities.

And Kelly? She should leave the New York City boy impressions to Steve and Dave. She’s a redhead. I’m amazed none of these all-female teams haven’t got themselves eliminated yet.

– We’re reminded Jon and Al are the best.

– Steve & Dave find out they wasted their time in Padua and will now be in dead last. Wasn’t Steve the one who said you need to beat the teams mentally? Oh wait.

– Teams get there by 7:00pm. Jon & Al going out of their ways to be fan favourites thanks to all ten teams forced to camping out until 8:00am. They get to run in the sewers in what Kelly calls ‘potty water’.

– Next task: Grab a ticket from the door of a fiacre. Groups of three or fiacres will travel every thirty minutes. You MUST grab a ticket.

– Josh butchers the pronunciation. It sounds like he’s saying ‘fiarcade’. Does daddy still pay for your tokens to play skeeball?

– Jon (of the clowns) grabs the ticket to steal Reichen & DK’s fiacre. DK says “no…it’s not true!” like he’s an eight-year-old. He was in perfect position to start reigning barrels down on the clowns. Josh could announce the clowns’ point totals, too.

– Tian grabs the ticket on Kelly & Jon’s fiacre. Kelly smacks Jon with the clue, whines for Jon, and pulls out a cry that couldn’t sound more stereotypically southern if she tried. You’re owning up more than fifty percent of the whining, Kelly!

– Reichen and David make a deal. Reichen and DK will each grab a ticket while Jeff distracts Millie & Chuck like they’re Marty McFly. Unfortunately it doesn’t work. Millie is too fast and Jon went for the furthest fiacre. Plus DK goes over to apologize to Millie for shoving his hand into her face. Although DK gets wounded by a cut on the mouth. Liiiiike a virrrrrgin. Cut a mouth for the very first tiiiiime.

Oh, did I do that?

– Detour time. Mozart or Beethoven. Carry a bass fiddle six miles or carry sheet music to one of Beethoven’s little known homes a much further distance. Racers are catching on to the obvious hitch with this detour.

– The NFL wives and the Feminists team up on the base fiddle task to prove Troyzan wrong.

– JON: The paper or the base?
KELLY: THE PAPER! HELLOOO!
JON: It’s obviously going to be further away.
JON: Kelly decides to take the sheet of music because it’s going to be easier for her but like she’d carry the base anyway.
KELLY: We have to take this sheet of music to the Beethoven Memorial which would be logical but Jon is doubting EVERYTHING!
JON: I wanna make sure we’re going in the right direction.
(KELLY exits.)
JON: I WANNA MAKE SURE WE’RE GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION! RE-LAX!
KELLY: You’re wasting time. The train is right here, please!
JON: What if there’s more than one place where he wrote music?
KELLY: Are you retarded? How many Beethoven Memorials do you think there are?

– Steve & Josh are going for the fast forward after not being shown letting the clowns and Millie & Chuck taking the fiacres ahead of them. Dang, even Steve & Dave are ahead of them! Fast forward for this leg is more difficult than climbing up a snowy mountain in ski shoes or lying down while Venetians do a mock incision of your body. In this Fast Forward, they have to balance a tray of fifteen glasses filled with champagne across a ballroom that has several couples doing a Waltz.

My favourite segment of each TAR post. Should I rank the turtlenecks in the future?

– 25 dancing couples. I have a feeling that number of dresses and tuxes amounted to a higher-end price tag for a task in TAR.

– Upon winning the Fast Forward, Josh yells and celebrates loud enough to test out the echo of the ballroom. They can now travel to the pit stop: The Scheeshloss Orth. This lisp-friendly place is the pit stop for this leg of the race.

– JON: We need to go the house.
LOCAL: Oh. Not the memorial. You go here.
KELLY: …. (looks at the camera) Jon was right.
JON: Double ding.

Leave the NY impressions to Jon, evidently.

– The female teams are first to deliver. They must go to the Donatrum. A really tall and narrow tower in the middle of Vienna. Anyone want to guess what the roadblock will be?

– Kelly & Jon are in last place right before the roadblock for the second leg in a row.

– Yep. Tallest tower jump in Europe. Tian, Sheree, DK, Clown Jon, and Millie get to do it.

Leading the pack and doing a huge jump. Your thoughts, Troyzan?

–That is one tough chick. I told you these chicks be crazy.

Thank you, Troyzan. An update of our scoreboard, please?

Patriarchy: 7 Feminism: 1.333

– Other teams bungee. They go through the ‘this is going to be nuts/can’t believe I’m doing this’ speech. Millie is having a mini asthma attack but does it anyway.

– Russell & Cindy and David & Jeff are seventh and eighth to the roadblock. Russell hands them a clue first before reading his own. This allows David to get the number first. Oops. But there’s good news:

They finally get a confessional together!!! Although Russell seemed bored to death. It’s like he couldn’t be less attracted to Cindy if he tried.

– Steve does the roadblock to save Dave’s knee.

JON: Take me. I’m yours.

AUSTRIAN: No, no, no.

I guess the Austrian isn’t up for playing into the Europen sexually open stereotype on American TV. Wait until the cameras are off, Jon.

– JON: I asked if I could go backwards and I lied and said I’ve done it a bunch of times before.

Classic Jon. Just for good measure he does a backflip when he gets down.

– David and Russell don’t jump and flirt with the safety specialists as much entertainment value.

– Russell & Cindy and Steve & Dave are the only ones to not make the train. Steve is still stuck at the roadblock.

DAVE: It was an eclipse. Where did the sun go? People were asking to stop throwing whales off the tower.

– Steve & Josh win the leg. Best father-son team in the history of TAR. No FF fail like Dennis & Andrew from last season.

– Russell & Cindy buy their tickets and have two hours to kill. Steve & Dave are at the wrong station.

– Russell & Cindy find out they bought tickets to Gmund as opposed to Gmunden. They lose 45 minutes. Are Steve & Dave really going to survive this leg?

– A million teams check in during this suspense.

Who makes it in ninth?

Two chunky goblins?! When did this stunt casting happen? Oh wait. It’s Steve & Dave laughing. They’re ninth. I think they set a curse on the other train given their current appearance.

– Well we know who’s last. Cindy makes a confession that they’ve never been more in love.

*record scratch*

Woops. I always mix  up my Cindy/Cyndis.

CYNDI is the one who has never been more in love.


CINDY is the one who thinks the relationship won’t go anywhere and thinks it’s a dud.

Next time on TAR: The men try to intimidate Tian. Will the feminist movement hold out or will Troyzan claim victory once and for all? Chuck’s virginity isn’t the only thing that defines him. And prepare for TAR’s biggest format change since they expanded to twelve teams!

P.S. A quick Googling indicates Russell and Cindy didn’t speak to each other after the race ended and Russell couldn’t give a crap about reality TV to the point he didn’t do an “After the Race” interview that everyone was supposed to do at that time.

Tian&Jaree 2.1
Steve&Dave 11.3
Reichen&DK 5.2
Millie&Chuck 5.2
Steve&Josh 2.5
Russell&Cindy 11.6
Monica&Sheree 3.2
David&Jeff 1.5
Kelly&Jon 5.2
Jon&Al 1.2

12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF

Next round I’ll rank the first four legs. You really think I’d forget my favourite part of the rankings blog? 🙂

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