THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER (Season 2 ranking)
– Las Vegas: Fight Capital of the World.
– Intro of people saying they’re here to win and how this is a big opportunity. Eli speaks about how the first time he fought somebody that the opponent was a pinata and the candy came out. Okay.
– Franklin and Hughes are the coaches. Hughes is pound-for-pound the best fighter supposedly and Franklin is supposedly a new breed.
– One welterweight and heavyweight will be eliminated by Dana White at the end of the episode.
– One guy insists nobody pisses on his bed. You have a legacy, Strange Brew.
– Luke turns his bed north to ensure he is in line with the chi of the universe. He also eats special food to increase his vitality. He doesn’t want to train…..WHAT THE BLEEP?!
– Melvin is talking such trash. He brags about 28 knockouts. I’m sure they were all amateurs. These are the big boys, Melvin.
– I can’t figure out who will be first gone from heavyweights. I think Melvin is first ousted from welterweights with an outside chance of Marcus. Maybe Marcus is an end-game player? Tough to figure out who will be Jonathan Libby’d and Wanda Shirk’d.
– First day of training. They’re all undergoing extreme physical assessment. Eli and Rashad are viewed as the two weakest. I have a feeling which one is the decoy boot. 😛 48 hours until the cuts are made. I’m waiting to see who will be the first to puke. Oh, Kenny looks like he’s too fatigued to continue. He’s totally the welterweight gone. Kenny and Eli are out.
– They have a wall sit competition. Everyone is done in a minute but Luke makes it to five minutes no problem. He is billed as this season’s Diego.
– Dana says all the players have come up to him saying they thought it would be tough but not THIS tough. They’re wasting no time blowing through the clichés.
– Kerry is on his way to the hospital to get his knee checked out. We wait to see his X-ray results.
– Eli calls in Dana, Hughes, and Franklin to say he’s not a b—-, but he wants to quit. Dana absolutely wants him to stay. A day and a half before Eli is throwing in the towel? Hopefully he can pull a Holly Hoffman-like rally. He’s thinking about quitting to be a fighter. This is good because the coaches viewed him as the weakest regardless.
– Eli gathers the players and says he will officially quit. He said he was out of his element about four or five times. If you can’t make it through The Ultimate Fighter training, I think he won’t be getting any big fights.
– Dana gathers everyone up and says Kerry is eliminated because he has a torn meniscus. A quitter and a med evac in the first three days . A welterweight will now be eliminated.
– Dana says Kenny is the weakest fighter…but he’s not gone! He gets to challenge another fighter to prove he’s not the weakest. Winner stays, loser goes.
– Hughes takes Kenny to the YMCA to make weight. What the heck? YMCA is the place professionals cut weight? Kenny has to cut TWENTY pounds and Sammy has to cut nine. That really sucks. I don’t think this will replicate the greatness of Southworth’s weight cutting though.
– Kenny says he is weak and tired but he has strength to throw stuff at the door, apparently. He lost eight today and has twelve more to lose tomorrow.
– Kenny has five more pounds. Franklin and Kenny’s friends are optimistic he can cut the last five. Out of nowhere, he quits the fight. What the heck? He has only three hours to go but he opts out. Why did they cast two quitters on this season? Even Jason Thacker stuck it out. Southworth lost twenty in eighteen hours. Haha, Dana just said that Jason Thacker has more heart than those two. I beat you to the punch, Dana.
– Dana is giving a speech laden with F words that question if they want to be a fighter. Be the mothaf—a, a mothaf—-ing champion, do you want to be here, etc. etc.
– Dan joins the cast as an alternate after the players reflect on the fact they’re bigger p—ies than season one. They proceed to their last day of training before Hughes and Franklin make their selections. Oh s—, another injury. Medics come in to fix up Jorge. This includes us getting to watch his knee getting drained. I’ve never seen so much blood in one needle.
– Marcus notes how Melvin can’t stop talking about Melvin.
– Franklin and Hughes visit the house to observe that their home life matches up with their training. Franklin takes the time to give out spoilers for those reading the Bible.
-FRANKLIN picks Keith.
-HUGHES picks Joe.
-FRANKLIN picks Jorge
-HUGHES picks Mike.
-FRANKLIN picks Seth.
-HUGHES picks Josh
-FRANKLIN picks Marcus
-HUGHES picks Dan
-FRANKLIN picks Rashad
-HUGHES picks Sam
-FRANKLIN picks Anthony
-HUGHES picks Tom
-FRANKLIN picks Melvin
-HUGHES picks Rob
-FRANKLIN picks Brad
-HUGHES “picks” Luke.
– WEC takes a hit after Brad Imes gets picked last. Mr. North didn’t take it as hard.
– Challenge time. And. . . There’s no Willa Ford. Only Dana and the coaches are there. That means we don’t have a Probst imitation. Wise move, TUF. Wise move.
– Oh, never mind. Randy is hosting an Extreme Right Guard Challenge. They will fight for a boxing bag in the centre of a segment of a tiny football field and drag it to the opposing team’s end zone. Luke, the one who was “picked” leads the challenge and wins it for Team Hughes. They are allowed to pick the match-up.
– Without any hints prior, Josh will fight Mervin.
– JOSH: Period. End of story.
Way to challenge your inner Evel Dick. Why the heck is Rashad narrating every event happening to Melvin thus far?
– Oh, Melvin talks about life on the streets and a tough background blah blah blah I have no love for no one and give hugs and kisses blah blah blah.
– Melvin goes into Dana’s office and says he wants to quit and how it’s not for him. Dana’s face is fallen. Melvin then smiles and slaps Dana on the arm. I totally fell for it too. Franklin is laughing hysterically.
– JOSH 15-2
Melvin by knockout. I predict.
– Dana says it’s 3 5-minute rounds. Herb Dean is our referee.
– Melvin gets Josh’s back early on and Josh looks like he’s really close to being choked out but they break it up. Josh gets onto Melvin’s back for the next two minutes. Melvin is flat on his stomach but Josh didn’t get a submission from there. They both get up. Josh picks up Melvin and casually Samoa slams him. Melvin is still conscious because he isn’t Matt Lindland. Josh doesn’t advance position as he moves along the fence with Melvin. They both voluntarily get up. One minute left. They clinch and throw strikes. Josh is clinched with Melvin against the fence for the next twenty seconds. Melvin gets a guillotine hold on Josh but there was only eight seconds left to improve the lock and choke Josh out. End of round one.
– Melvin lands a good right. Josh simultaneously lands a kick and falls. Melvin throws a head kick that misses. Josh picks up Melvin but Melvin gets down before Josh can turn it into a slam. They circle each other for the next minute. Josh picks up Melvin and slams him again. Josh is in Melvin’s guard. He quickly moves into half guard and full mount but is doing nothing with it. He is holding Melvin close to him. This is the most inactive full mount I’ve seen. He eventually moves to take Melvin’s back as Melvin turns a minute later. Melvin stands up with Josh on his back but he falls back down. Josh should get a choke by now, this is ridiculous. Melvin rotates to get into Josh’s guard. Josh rotates too and gets into Melvin’s guard. End of round two.
– Melvin explodes. He’s throwing kicks, knees, and punches but they mostly miss. They circle for a minute before Melvin has Josh in a head lock. Melvin is leaning on the fence. Josh uses this to his advantage and takes Melvin down. He is in Melvin’s guard. Josh jumps into full guard with ease. Herb warns he’ll stand them up. Josh lets Melvin enough time to move for Josh to get him on his back. Josh sucks again and lets Melvin to rotate and get into Josh’s guard. End of fight.
– So much for Dana thinking Josh was an idiot for picking someone as strong as Melvin. Franklin loses the first fight. I guess the strategy of coaching to ensure your players make weight isn’t enough to fulfill the role of ‘coach’.
– We review the fight. It turns out Josh messes up his elbow and has to go to the hospital. That sucks for the producers. Dana says that proves his theory for how dumb of a pick that was. Uh, sure Dana.
– Sammy says the green team “doesn’t give a care” about cleaning up the house and calls them disgusting. We are privy to several shots of cockroaches that supposedly reinforce this fact.
– We are given a Luke Chi session with his unusual diet and odd meditations.
– Josh returns with news that his arm is broke. Wow. Another bleeping alternate in 2 ¼ episodes? Not yet. Dana gathered everyone to tell him to get up and go. Nobody can pull a Nate Quarry this year, apparently.
– Rob talks about a torn labrum/shoulder non-stop.
– Randy hosts the next Right Guard Extreme Challenge. They will be on the water where they must keep up a ring for as long as possible. If any part of the ring touches the water then they lose. Rashad drops first and gives Hughes another victory. Is this the fifteenth example of the black guy losing a swimming challenge for his team/tribe? He was the one black guy in the whole cast, too. We award negative stereotypes a point in this instance.
– The team harps on Rashad’s performance. Rashad hopes it is him that fights. But two seconds later we’re told Brad (injured knee) vs. Rob (torn labrum) will fight.
– Jason Von Flue is the next alternate. Hughes insists he does the Hell Two Days that everyone did at the start. We get to see him do a double flip-off as he runs on the treadmill and an excessive amount of vomiting and an overdramatic fail in exercise.
– Brad gets featured for a while in a long training session. Rob, on the other hand, simply asks Hughes to push him in training and gives his word that he won’t use his shoulder as an excuse if he loses.
– The doctor asks about Rob’s shoulder. He says it’s fine. But then goes on to whine about it in a few confessionals.
– ROB MACDONALD 4-0
– BRAD IMES 3-0
– Brad by knockout, I assume. Herb Dean is our referee. They touch gloves. How nice.
– Rob takes Brad down. He tries to get into side mount but Brad pushes him off. Rob decides to swirl around Brad and form a 69. They are in this erotic position for thirty seconds. Rob stands up and goes into a headlock while Brad is on the ground. I haven’t someone have their head locked while in the side mount advantage. They get up and sprawl until Rob gets an arm around Brad’s neck and takes him into the ground. Brad loosens the grip a bit and pushes Rob into the fence. Rob lets go of the lock as he stands up and puts a new lock as he falls to the ground. The lock is slipping. Rob is in Brad’s full guard. Rob goes up a bit but after Franklin yells at Brad to put on a triangle for ten seconds, Brad FINALLY listens and complies. Brad eventually cranks Rob’s head down.
– Rob immediately complains in a confessional about how his shoulder gave out. He has fully torn labrum and needs shoulder surgery soon. Another Canadian is viewed as a complainer and early ouster on The Ultimate Fighter.
– VOICEOVER: Previously on TUF…Jason entered the house…and Jorge instantly hated him.
– It comes out that Rob tried to crank the guillotine so hard that it caused the extreme shoulder tear.
– The green car chants ‘Bongo! Bongo! Bongo!’ in celebration of Brad’s victory. I have no idea what’s that about.
– Everyone comments about Joe’s drinking. Oh, you get to see the shadow of the audio guy as he gets out of the pool.
– Joe says he drinks because there’s only times you can play dominoes, chess, and pool.
– Jorge, Marcus, and Anthony make an alliance and strategize. You do know there’s no way to strategize except if you win a challenge and pick a welterweight fight? How is that an alliance if you are the only three welterweights on your team? Ridiculous.
– Joe dares Jorge to put a noodle into his nose. Then he eats it. I turned away for half the clip.
– Joe and Jorge strategize about who to fight. Jorge wishes to fight Jason. These guys have watched too much Survivor for their own good.
– MARCUS: Jorge and I have an alliance. And we’re going to take everyone else out.
Wow. How do you plan to do that guys? Are you going to vote them out? Are you going to put Anthony on the sidelines and one of you will need to fight twice?
– Welterweight Extreme Right Guard Challenge hosted by Randy Couture. Whoever is the last one standing underneath those child playground spheres. As with all other challenges, no strikes are allowed. They can only wrap their legs around each other. It works down to Luke vs. Jorge. Luke makes a stupid move by lowering himself so Jorge swings his legs a bit and sends him down.
– There is an EXTREME close-up of EXTREME right guard. Someone comments how smooth the deodorant is.
– Marcus gets first pick because he’s older. He wants to fight Hughes’ toughest player who happens to be Joe. Dana warns them against it because he doesn’t want two tough guys to fight each other and be out of the game because of injuries early on. They pick that fight regardless.
– Hughes annoys Jorge about how he’s not fighting. He grumbles the whole time at the dinner table after the exchange. Everyone laughs at him for letting Hughes get to him. Then we see Jorge talk to Keith about how Marcus is the best stand-up guy and Joe is the best take-down artist of all the welterweights. Apparently Jorge is the centre of the first few episodes.
– Joe has extremely pointy nipples. Just something I noticed.
– Dana thinks that Joe has such a strong reputation that it must be true.
– Marcus says this is his career make-or-break fight. If he wins, he will continue fighting. If he loses, he will retire. Yeah right.
– Pre-fight rambling about how each person will slaughter the other and how the hospital will be used.
JOE STEVESON 24-6
MARCUS DAVIS 9-2
– Steve Mazzagatti is our referee. I guess Steve Mazzayatti from season one is no longer available.
– I predict Joe by submission in the first four minutes. It feels like this episode has been really long before the fight. Too many confessionals.
– They circle along with a few weak strikes for the first ninety seconds. Joe picks Marcus up and hoists him onto his shoulder. Marcus can’t seem to resist. Marcus takes his time to jog then drop him near the fence. Joe is in Marcus’ guard, then goes into side mount, then uses several elbows and moves into full mount. He smothers Marcus as he throws elbow after elbow after elbow in side mount until Marcus taps out from strikes.
– We are told Joe dropped Marcus on his shoulder and caused an injury.
– Joe recalls how much he slaughters Marcus in the previous episode. Everyone agrees his strikes from the crucifix position were extremely effective.
– Matt questions Jorge’s heart and says he only has five or six days left right after he says Jorge will wait until the end to fight.
– Hughes counts three injuries in his squad. Each of his heavyweights just so happen to be the three injured. Tom, Mike, and Dan are slammed by Hughes in a confessional for their inability to suck it up. Dana pipes in that Hughes comes from Team Militech where you train regardless of your condition. Oh
– Challenge time. The next Right Guard Extreme heavyweight competition is to wrestle the other team on your knees and take off their socks. Yep. Couture came up with this gem. Hughes wins 6 socks to 0.
– Two seconds later and Tom is fighting Rashad. I think this is really
– There is an EXTREME close-up of EXTREME right guard in a segment after the commercial inside the house bathroom.
– The green team trains in each other’s tighty-whities. What the heck? Jorge’s didn’t fit Brad too well.
– Franklin thinks Rashad is a sleeper in his group. The other team comments they chose to fight Rashad because he has a cut above his eye. They intend to open up the cut and end the fight that way. Now that’s a strategic move.
– I think this fight is a Rashad victory by submission in the second round.
– Rashad shaves Tom’s head and they’re talking to each other prior to the fight. I’ve never seen two people openly interact so much right before they intend to destroy each other.
– There is a ‘fling random crap at each other’ event in the house because of how bored they are. Sammy slips on the kitchen floor and takes a hard fall. Miraculously, he is not injured from it. I was sold that he would be injured considering the luck this season.
– TOM MURPHY 4-0
– RASHAD EVANS 7-0
– Big John McCarthy is our referee.
– Rashad gracefully skips over to touch gloves with Tom at the start of the round. Zero contact for the first fifty seconds. Rashad gets Tom in a clinch. He gets him against the fence and throws some knees. Tom returns an elbow. Other than that, this minute is relatively inactive. Rashad throws a few punches into Tom’s side. They haven’t moved an inch. They break it up and jog to the centre of the ring. No contact in the centre for another forty seconds. Rashad gets in a knee. No contact for the next forty seconds. Rashad throws a flurry, a knee, and clinches Tom into the fence. Tom catches an arm and is directing the clinch into the centre of the octagon. The fight is sponsored by Mortal Kombat and Xyience. Rashad and Tom exchange several punches for a couple seconds. Rashad throws a head kick. Tom gets in a good shot. Rashad follows by doing the robot. End of round one. Dana comments that round one was “horrifying”. I agree. It was awful. I haven’t seen too many fights that inactive in stand-up.
– Tom runs in and clinches with Rashad. However, Rashad takes control and puts him in the same spot as they spent half of last round. Rashad throws a knee. Tom switches places with Rashad and gets a head lock to take Rashad into the ground. Tom is really close to a guillotine. Rashad works his way back up and escapes. They stand up. Rashad is resting. Big John stops when he notices Rashad’s mouth guard is missing. They clinch in the centre of the octagon. Rashad puts Tom against the same bleeping fence. Tom lands a straight left. He lands a right. They clinch but instantly break away. Hughes insists for Tom to put on the pressure. Big John has told them to work about twenty times in these two rounds. They clinch again with less than two minutes to go. Rashad has him against the fence yet again. Rashad lands a punch. Tom fakes a punch that results in Rashad controlling a clinch and knees Tom. Nothing to write about for the next ninety seconds. They were both really lazy. Their hands drop. End of round two. Boring fight.
– These two being too good of friends is really hurting this fight. Rashad clinches Tom and puts him against the fence. Forty-five seconds has passed. Rashad throws a knee. Tom looks like he doesn’t want to do anything for nearly two rounds. Rashad throws a knee. What happened to Tom working aggressively to open up Rashad’s cut? They break up the clinch and are in the centre of the ring. Rashad clinches Tom but Tom falls to the ground. He wants Rashad in his guard for some reason. Tom attempts an armbar. Rashad gets his arm up and stands up while Tom pulls a Gracie and refuses to stand up. Rashad lands a big punch into Tom’s stomach that spurs a reaction from Tom to sprawl with Rashad. Rashad throws a few strikes that look like they do some damage. Tom swings for the fences. Rashad takes the time to strike a pose and flex. They are picking up the pace tenfold. Rashad clinches Tom and puts him up against the fence. Rashad pulls away from the clinch and swings his head like a teenager listening to Korn. The fight ends.
– I was going to predict Rashad by decision but I thought it was too far into the episode for it to go the full fifteen minutes. Unfortunately I should’ve gone with my gut instinct. Dana says this fight was the s—tiest fight he’s ever seen. I doubt he’s seen Severn vs. Shamrock or Shamrock vs. Gracie at this point or Renzo Gracie vs. Shoji in PRIDE 2.
– Hughes frowns upon a montage of Rashad’s dance moves. There is a confrontation. As always, Rashad is calm and collected during the exchange.
– Mike and Rashad apparently are no longer talking. Rashad is upset about the fight and this potential loss in relationship.
– RASHAD: My uncle Bernie said “Son, if people don’t like who you are. . .be yourself. They’re not your real friends if they don’t like you being yourself. F— em! Get them against the wall and put the handcuffs on them!”
That is quite the explosive uncle.
– Hughes is working his team extremely hard to make up for Tom having, in his opinion, the worst fight ever. The camera cuts to Franklin’s team at a nice swimming pool.
– The next Right Guard Extreme Challenge called Scarecrow. One heavyweight stands up while a welterweight has to make revolutions on the person’s body without the havyweight supporting the welterweight or the welterweight touching the ground. Joe spends over TWO HOURS to do 204 revolutions on Mike Whitehead and showboats the whole time. Franklin’s team goes next and Franklin decides to forfeit.
– There is a zoom-in of Brad’s armpits and Randy says “glad you use Right Guard, eh?”
– Franklin points out that Hughes isn’t ripping into Joe for showboating despite ripping into Rashad.
– Mike and Joe both had to see medics after their performance. The whole team was absolutely spent. The match-up is Jason vs. Jorge. Hopefully Jorge wins.
– Jason says he can’t sleep at night because he’s scared and nervous but the only thing on his mind is how he’ll beat that poor bastard. What a mix of optimism and pessimism.
JORGE GURGEL 12-1
JASON VON FLUE 11-4-1
Steve Mazzagatti is our referee.
– They circle each other for the first thirty seconds. Feeling out process. Jorge throws a leg kick then pulls away. Jason returns with a kick of his own. Jorge throws punches until they clinch. Jorge takes Jason down but Jason has the underhooks and gets into Jorge’s guard against the fence. Jorge gets out masterfully gets into side mount. He tried to get into north-south but Jason stands up. The fight is back on their feet. They exchange a couple punches. They each get some good right hands. Jason barely misses a nice uppercut. Jason throws another but Jorge runs away. A lot of punches and kicks being exchanged. I think Jason is landing more. Jason throws a couple more combos but Jorge returns with a very nice combo until he can hop up on Jason’s back. They’re against the fence. Jason falls. Jorge tries desperately for a rear naked choke. Jason is bleeding bad. Jorge is trying to get his arm further under Jason’s neck. Jorge converts it into a full mount. Ten seconds left. End of round one.
– Jason throws a couple kicks until Jorge is on his back. Jason and Jorge do some nice grappling on the ground until Jorge gets up. Jorge chases him around the octagon. Jason lands a good punch. They’re in another clinch. Jason throws a knee. Jason throws a head kick. Jorge’s mouth guard falls out. They are going back and forth trading. Jason connects a couple knees to the stomach. The pace slows as they are against the fence. Jorge grabs onto Jason’s knee as he throws it. A timeout for Jorge to get his mouth guard back. They touch gloves. Jason takes Jorge down. He is in Jorge’s guard for a minute. Jason stands up and wants to land kicks and punches from this position. It backfires as Jorge holds onto him and stands back up. They trade on their feet. This is a good pace. End of round two.
– They circle and eventually clinch against the fence. Jason throws a knee until he gets him on the ground. He is in Jorge’s guard. Jorge throws some annoying strikes from the bottom. Jason is really close to being caught in an armbar. He escapes. Jason opts to clinch Jorge from the side of his back for a Newton-Militech style choke but they are back on their feet. They trade on their feet. They trade non-stop. Clinches followed by strikes. They really want to drop the other. Jason’s face is pretty bloody. Jorge’s knee doesn’t seem to be hindering him at all. Jorge is underneath Jason who tries to control him but they both opt to stand up. Twenty seconds. Jason keeps landing knees hoping one will connect. My prediction of it going to decision pans out. End of fight. Now I wait to see if my prediction of Jorge winning will be correct too.
– The winner by unanimous decision is Jason Von Flue. The guy who rarely speaks. His cut looks like it may be the cause of yet another injury though. Wouldn’t they show him more if he won prior to this fight? Hopefully Jorge learns that strategy in TUF is completely irrelevant now that him and Marcus have gone in back-to-back welterweight fights despite being stoked that their strategies worked out.
– Recap of how amazing the previous fight was and how Jorge was really close to a submission. Jorge is the only fighter to get confessionals in the next episode. He gets three confessionals. What the heck? Jason and Jorge talk it out.
– Dana tells us that Jason needs stitches. Jason is freaking out and hyperventilating because he has never had stitches before. For someone with fifteen fights that is pretty incredible.
JASON: Aw…poop. See? You made me cuss and say poop.
What a tough man.
– Jason comes back from stitches to see everyone is in bed. He is sad that no one was awake to congratulate him. We see him going outside to eat and his team telling him to be quiet in their bedroom. We get an image of the Right Guard.
– SETH: We all thought how fun it would be to be mud wrestling. Lo and behold, we see a mud pit.
I’m sure that’s no coincidence.
– Challenge time. Right Guard Extreme Challenge. Wrestling in mud on your knees. You must push people out of the ring on your knees. Mike vs. Rashad and Dan vs. Brad simultaneously in the ring. Only the heavyweights battle. This seems like the challenge went on for a while. They are completely covered. Team Franklin is last team standing. Hughes frowns. I assume they’ll have another hardcore training session and incur more injuries.
– It’s Seth vs. Dan. Seth is upset because he thinks him and Dan will get banged up. Dana tells Hughes to give up a welterweight. Hughes gives up Jason because he’s the weakest. Jason gives him a ‘F— you’ in a confessional because beating Franklin’s best fighter shouldn’t make you the weakest.
– Another EXTREME zoom-in of someone putting on EXTREME Right Guard.
– Rashad barks at Jason’s introductory ceremony to Franklin’s team. What the heck?
– We’re treating to Joe screaming extremely right guard loudly as his hair gets dyed. Whitehead willingly does the job of dyeing Joe and Sammy’s hair blonde.
– Seth weighs in at 229 pounds. Dan weighs in at 264. Big weight difference. I think Dan will win this fight.
DAN CHRISTISON 7-3
SETH PETRUZELLI 8-2
– Steve Mazzaatti is our referee.
– I think Dan will win by strikes in the third round.
– They exchange punches early. Thirty seconds in. Dan lands a good one on the chin. They clinch. Dan throws a knee. Seth takes Dan into the fence. They break. Seth lands a really good punch. Dan is rocked. They are inactive for about twenty seconds. Dan kicks. They run into the fence and Seth throws a really good punch as Dan tried to get away. Dan fell from the punch but only stumbled before he gets back up. Seth throws a good body kick but Dan counters with a punch to the face. Seth lands a good punch on Dan’s face. Dan connects with a really hard kick to the groin. We fast forward to the fight. Dan throws a really hard kick to Seth’s groin. Unbelievable. End of round one.
– Dan is warned not to blow his nose. It looks like we could see some major swelling. They trade kicks. Pace is slowing down. They’re countering each other’s strikes pretty good.
– Seth gets Dan on the ground. They’ve been in full guard for over a minute. Virtually zero action. This is how heavyweights fight unfortunately. Mazzagatti stands them up. Seth winds up with a really nice head kick that makes Dan drop. They each go for more head kicks. Seth goes in for the takedown and succeeds. Dan tries to grab the fence but it’s too far away. Seth goes into half guard. Dan doesn’t seem to have much left. Seth rests on top. He reigns down punches but stands up anyway. Dan lays on the ground as Seth throws a kick or two for the remaining thirty seconds. End of round two.
– They exchange kicks that don’t have the height anymore. The pace slows down. Wait, I was wrong. Dan throws more kicks. One of these kicks is caught by Seth and we witness another takedown. Seth is deep into Dan’s full guard. They punch each other but nothing substantial. Seth slaps Dan on the face. Well, it’s more of like twenty quick little taps. Mazzagatti stands them up. They touch gloves. Dan throws a slow motion leg kick. Every move is telegraphed. Nothing else worthy to write about for the third round. End of fight. Our third decision in a row and fourth out of six fights.
– Seth wins by unanimous decision.
– Hughes continues to be a jerk and is rattled by how his fighters are doing terrible and that Dan didn’t put in any effort. Uh, what fight were you watching? You’ve criticized everyone on your team this episode.
– Dan is disappointed himself and uses the idea of Seth being his friend as an excuse.
– Previously on The Ultimate Fighter, the voiceover claims Luke is strange. He must fight in the following episode if he is being mentioned for the first time in three weeks.
– We are reminded that Dan fired two low blows and a sick head kick that should have knocked out Seth.
– Dana tells Seth he could have finished Dan and get the 5k because Dan didn’t look like he wanted to fight. Franklin tells his heavyweights that it’s nothing personal in regards to who is sent over.
– When Hughes arrives from practice, Franklin’s team comes out of the house and tosses water balloons mercilessly at the van. They turn it into spraying mustard at each other in the pool and squirting ketchup into somebody’s pants.
– Oooooh, the strategy music is playing. Mike is unhappy about the prospect of a fight. Joe calms him down.
– Next Right Guard Extreme Challenge. Randy Says. Judges will judge combinations that Randy says and use those combinations on the opposing coach’s punching bag. The punching bag is their face. Each technique is assigned a number that the players must remember. The winner gets Area 51 and Mortal Kombat. This is a welterweight challenge.
RANDY: Randy says bring your first two competitors forward. Randy says throw a 1-2-3-6 combination. Sprawl.
*Jason sprawls and Randy points and laughs*
Hey, have you seen Jason’s face? It’s still covered in bruises and cuts. I don’t think he can follow too closely in a challenge of strict listening skills.
– Hughes wins both heats. They win the prize pack from Midway games. Jason successfully narrates the whole challenge and talks about how he’s more angry about not winning the video games from Midway than being in control of the next picks. We are thrust into a very detailed experience of Hughes’ team playing Blitz: The League while the others are smiling and having a good time.
– Dana meets with Team Hughes and says that just because 15-20 people are watching live but there will be millions watching at home. He specifically mentions how Mike has had some great fights but nobody has f—ing seen them.
– It is announced that Anthony will fight Luke. It explains why he was featured in the ‘Previously On…’ segment. I think he will win. Franklin sends Brad over to Team Hughes. He is the only one who gets to be on a team with all the heavyweights.
– Anthony and Luke talk about which metabolism accelerant they are taking. Luke insists he is taking Xyience because that’s the way to go and Anthony adamantly agrees. Oh boy. Do advertising costs finance 99.9% of the show? My goodness. Anthony has fourteen pounds to cut but he thinks it will be no problem.
– Sammy gives tips to Anthony to help him beat his own stable mate.
– Anthony is representing Hawaii. At least he’s not like Marcus who wanted to represent a place he wasn’t born in.
– Luke eats a bowl of wild rice, celery, garlic, and kelp. He also draws anime figures in his spare time. They make us really root for Luke in this dynamic. Dana says Luke is the nerd who can beat you up after you make fun of him then you get laughed at for it. Uh, okay. We are then shown that Anthony is a caged animal and Luke says he will come back at whatever Anthony throws. Luke by submission in round one?
– LUKE HOMMO 4-1
– ANTHONY TORRES 3-3
Herb Dean is our referee. The last welterweight fight before the finals.
– They circle for the first thirty seconds. Clinch. Anthony gets into Luke’s full guard. Luke is using his legs to push off the fence. Anthony is throwing punches and elbows. He is by no means inactive in the guard. Heavy breathing. The microphone must be nearby. Two minutes later and Anthony is in half guard. Anthony eventually slightly stands up and kicks Luke while Luke tries to fling upkicks. Anthony then makes a jump to get Luke’s back but Luke turns it into him being on top in Anthony’s guard. End of round one.
– Thirty seconds later and we get a clinch. Luke is throwing several punches, knees, and elbows. Anthony is gassed. Anthony is merely hanging on. Luke hasn’t stopped with the strikes. Anthony is turning away too many times. Luke knees Anthony’s face but Anthony punches Luke straight in the head. They dance for thirty seconds. Okay, we finally get contact. Anthony takes Luke’s back while standing and keeps spinning and spinning until they fall to the ground. Oh boy Anthony is close to a rear naked choke. Oh, he’s got it. It’s right under Luke’s neck. Luke rotates and is now in Anthony’s guard but it’s awkward because Anthony is on his side. Luke is throwing strikes continuously. He reigns down several elbows and punches. Anthony did nothing to fight back. End of round two. Anthony was able to wait it out.
– Anthony gets in a good knee and a REALLY good elbow while standing. Anthony voluntarily clings onto Luke. Franklin yells at Anthony to get away from the fence and break the clinch. Anthony has not thrown a strike. Luke winds up before each knee. Luke is really wanting that knockout. It’s about 65-2 in terms of strike count this round. Timeout for a cut on Anthony’s eye. It’s lateral so we have nothing to worry about. Franklin is coaching Anthony so hard but it’s been ineffective for the past 2 ½ rounds. Luke throws an excellent kick and punch. Anthony is rocked. Luke flings him down and utters a big hammer fist. Anthony’s face is very bloody. Ten seconds left. This should be a 10-7 round. Anthony did zero while Luke landed ninety percent of his hits. Anthony will never be a UFC mainstay. Fourth decision in a row. That may go down as a TUF record. Five decisions total. It was 29-28, 30-27, and 30-26. I am surprised how much variation there was in that score.
– Luke sure enough wins the fight. Franklin has lost every single welterweight. Hughes has his four all make the semis. Wow.
Jason ( F ) 5
– We review Luke’s great punching over and over from last week. Hughes thinks Luke is amazing and has proved him wrong as being worthy of last picked.
– Luke thinks if Hughes was a normal human being that they’d have a break…cut to an immediate cut of them training really hard.
– We were overdue for an injury this season. Hughes injures his own player by kneeing Brad’s eyebrow and cutting him there. He cannot fight until it heals. Thank goodness he has a few days until the semi-finals.
– Luke compares his junk food celebration of his victory to having sex with a fat prostitute. He ate ice cream sandwiches and drank plenty of no-name root beer. Oddly enough, that’d be the same junk food binge that I’d have. There’s a couple shots of Xyience.
– Next Right Guard Extreme Challenge for the heavyweights. Each heavyweight is connected to a corner of an 8-sided octagon and it will be a tug o’ war to the opposing team’s Tug O’ War. It turns out Hughes’ team having a 60-pound weight advantage would result in a quick victory. Twenty seconds compared to three hours from last week. It saved plenty of film, for sure.
– Brad is injured and has fought once, therefore Mike shall fight for the first time. Hughes announces he is 6-2 in challenges. I don’t think the last one really counts. Oh, Mike is challenging Rashad. I guess Rashad’s terrible fight made Dana influence Hughes to pick Rashad. Keith joins the club of Sam and Swick of those who never have to fight prior to the semi-finals. Whitehead has a 25-pound advantage on Rashad. Dana questions Rashad’s will. Hughes is convinced Whitehead wins this fight nine out of ten times. I think Rashad wins by decision. They’re already on fight day. Holy crap this must go to decision. Another EXTREME zoom-in of EXTREME Right Guard. Rashad is lovin’ it. If Rashed is featured using the deodorant I think he must win.
– Whitehead has said three separate times that he is a little better at everything than Rashad. He forgot to mention he is A LOT better than Rashad at swimming.
– Rashad says he’ll win even if he is hated for showboating.
– MIKE WHITEHEAD 9-3
– RASHAD EVANS 8-0
Steve Mazzagatti is our referee.
– Twenty seconds of Rashad dancing. Forty. Fifty. One minute. No strikes yet. Seventy. First kick by Whitehead then goes for a takedown but it’s a clinch against the fence. Rashad has underhooks. Rashad threw a knee. They break apart. Whitehead deals a body kick. White head goes for another takedown but Rashad pushes him away. They get on the ground. They get up where Whitehead gets Rashad on his shoulder. Rashad lands in a way that seems like it doesn’t do any damage. He then gets Rashad’s back and looks like he’ll do a suplex but Rashad swings his body right when he is in the air to defend. They’re against the fence. They both take a turn at a guillotine attempt. Rashad has about seven unanswered strikes on Whitehead against the fence. Mike slowly gets up while Rashad picks his spots to fire strikes. Nothing happens for ten seconds. End of round one.
– Hughes’ new phrase is for his fighters to impose his will. Franklin pulls a quote from Koscheck and tells Rashad that Mike is tired. Round two begins. Nothing happens except a clinch in the first seventy seconds. Rashad lands a knee then breaks. Both are missing combos as they chase each other across the ring. Did you know there is an Old Spice product that is a 3-in-1? It acts as body wash, shampoo, and conditioner. It was on sale for three dollars. Rashad lands a good punch with one hundred seconds to go. A jab by Rashad. I can see why heavyweights are not popular on TUF. Whitehead is 252 pounds of fatigue. Read the word in French and you’ll understand why I chose that word. Rashad lands a combo that does minimal damage. Thirty seconds left. It will take a miracle for Mike to win this fight. Mike charges for a takedown but really he wants to push Rashad into the fence and do nothing. Rashad is winning this fight without a doubt. End of round two.
– Hughes tells Mike he’s not imposing his will. He throws the bottle at the fence in anger and gets in Mike’s face and yells “GET GOING OUT THERE! I’M SERIOUS!”. One of the most animated pep talks I’ve seen. I s’pose Hughes has more of a personality than Liddell or Couture though. Start of round three. Rashad is dancing at the start. He throws a couple combos. Mike lands a really good right then pushes Rashad into the fence. Apparently that’s the only thing Mike has energy for. I wonder if he’s hoping he can hold Rashad against the fence for four minutes and win the round. Rashad falls onto the ground and seems like he is in prime position to do an armbar but loses it. Rashad is sitting on his butt against the fence while Whitehead shoves his face into Rashad’s armpit. I wonder if the deodorant is working? Mike gets Rashad back up and has his back. Mike takes Rashad down. Rashad easily gets up and hugs Mike’s back and lands numerous strikes. Six or seven strikes before Whitehead crawls a few inches and repeat. Mike stands up and stumbles facing away from Rashad as if Rashad is his little brother with ADD who keeps asking him to play the same video game. My brother comes into the room and we talk for a minute. Not to worry because nothing worthwhile happened. End of round three. Hughes doesn’t look happy.
– Rashad wins 30-27. No surprise. Fifth decision in a row. Dana and Hughes both say Mike didn’t have the will. Mike is supposed to be the much better striker.
– I see a highlight where Mike walks away with ten seconds left and just stands there with his hands down. Rashad has his hands up and is waiting for Mike to come at him. Does Rashad have any worthy opponents? It looks like nobody on Hughes wanted to do anything. Luckily we are at the semi-finals where we may have a fight that’s worthwhile to watch in the heavyweight division.
Brad ( H ) 3
Jason ( F ) 0
– Previously on TUF…Mike was a motivator who yelled at his team to work, was an early favourite, and praised by Matt Hughes. Luke had a junk food binge. Whitehead upsets everyone and performs terribly.
– Rashad was surprised Mike wasn’t more aggressive. Or rather, not doing more than five punches. Dana says him and the coaches thought Mike would coast to the finals. We see Mike and Joe crying. Mike says “I’m done” and contemplates retirement. Why do people have their most boring fight possible when they’re broadcast on cable television? Choking is an understatement.
– Rashad goes to the hospital to get x-rays for his hand. He comes back with his arm in a sling and is crying. Jason sees a brace within the sling and Rashad starts cracking up. It turns out Rashad was lying and merely has a severely sprained hand. Yeah, that’s all it is.
– Seth was practicing an armbar on Jason and ends up with a nasty gash. It’s on his forehead so it’s away from his eyes. We see yet another return of Dr. Hsu. Needles galore and nineteen stitches. Heh, Jason had fourteen stitches earlier in the season. Thirty-three stitches in three weeks after never getting stitches for thirty years.
– Meeting at the gym with Dana. Each of the eight fighters will plead who they want to fight to the two coaches and the boss.
– Joe doesn’t care who he fights, he’ll submit or knock out any of them. Luke will fight Jason, Sam, then Luke in that order. Jason doesn’t care. Sammy wishes to fight Jason because he thinks they match up stylistically.
– Seth, Rashad, and Keith want to fight Brad. They claim that they matchup best with him but in confessional they think he will be the easiest to finish. Brad wants Seth or Rashad. It looks like Keith will be screwed over. Wow, everyone has a confessional.
– Luke vs. Sam; Jason vs. Joe; Keith vs. Rashad; Brad vs. Seth. Joe claims he is a little bit better at everything than Jason. Sound familiar? Dana warns us that Jason could be disqualified and that an alternate would take his place. Suddenly Marcus walks in. So much for ending his career for losing his fight.
– Keith claims to go through Xyience like blueberries. Sigh. Dana flips a coin for who will coach who for each match-up so nothing like last season where a coach sits out will occur. The only issue was if Rashad would be coached by Hughes. Guess what? Hughes is indeed cornering him.
– Sammy says business is business and pleasure is pleasure. What the heck? Hey, it’s day 37. It becomes very apparent that Sammy fights Luke this episode. Oh, the fight is starting already? I think Sammy wins by decision.
– Luke says he pumps himself up by getting it into his head that Sammy is responsible for bad things that have happened to him.
– LUKE COMMO 5-1
– SAMMY MORGAN 16-5
Herb Dean our referee.
– Flurry of punches ten seconds into the fight. They fall and Luke has side control but Sammy escapes. Sammy stands but Luke is hanging out on the ground. Sammy pulls off a PRIDE-like dive and launches a punch into Luke’s face. He turns it into having his back on Luke’s stomach and grabs Luke’s neck and wrist but can’t turn it into a submission. Sammy is on the ground and Luke is on top. Sammy tries to go for an armbar but it doesn’t materialize. Luke wraps his legs around Sammy but Sammy slams him into the mat. Only two minutes in. Luke is hanging out on the ground again and waits for Sammy to launch. Sammy launches but Luke upkicks into Sammy’s groin. Luke stands up. Luke takes Sammy’s back and tosses Sammy down. Sammy grabs a leg and they grapple on the ground until Luke has full mount. They rest while Luke tries to get a plan while in full mount. Sammy holds Luke really close to prevent strikes and forces Luke to be insane enough to give up full mount. They clinch against the fence where Luke lands a few punches until Sammy grabs him and forces Luke into Sammy’s full guard. Fifteen seconds. Sammy goes for an armbar but time runs out. End of round one.
– Sammy rocks Luke with two big punches to star tout the round. Luke impressively recovers and has side control. Sammy easily gets up and clinches Luke. They exchange punches thirty seconds later but I think Luke is swinging for the fences. One of those swings work because Sammy wobbles for a solid two seconds. They exchange punches and Luke lands a knee that looks like it kills Sammy because he doesn‘t get up. Medics check him out. Wow. I thought Luke gassed out. Such a great pace. Easily the best fight in the season thus far. Sammy cries not as epically as the Crying Man from Intervention on the ground.
– Luke goes from last person picked to being one fight away from a six figure contract.
Brad ( H ) 2
Jason ( F ) 4
– We review Sammy crying on the course. Aras would be proud. Dana tells him to cheer up while a poster of three women with their butt to the camera is visible in the background to make this moment not as serious. It’s funny that the room where Dana has a serious discussion with all the fighters has a booty poster in there. I find it amusing. Sammy proclaims he will fight Luke again.
– We are reminded for the seventh or eighth time in twenty minutes that Luke was the absolute last person picked. They said ‘last picked’ four times in ten seconds.
– We see Rashad flexing his hand to continually test how sprained his hand is. Franklin goes on to coach Keith and instructs him to go for submission. Rashad questions who to have in his corner while he swims in a pool and hangs out at a children’s water park. The water park was a really random place for him to be by himself. Doesn’t the house go to different locations as a unit rather than individually to wherever they place?
– Rashad’s confessional from last week is used again. “Be professional and have him corner me or f— him because he didn’t believe in me and I don’t need him.”
– Rashad asks how much Seth would pay him if he ate a dead fly. Seth will pay Rashad one hundred bucks to eat it and keep it down. Rashad vomits twice after eating it. Seth drops it to fifty bucks. Forty days in the house makes them do extraordinarily stupid things.
– Hughes comes into Rashad’s room and makes him feel confident that Matt can be in Rashad’s corner.
– Fight starts already. I think Jardine wins by decision. Rashad has fought for thirty minutes in the octagon and is expected to take on a guy his weight in a third fight. Keith was one of the first picks and is very fresh.
– I’m guessing Marcus doesn’t replace Jason Von Flue at this point.
– RASHAD EVANS 9-0
– KEITH JARDINE 9-1-1
– Big John is our referee.
– Rashad lands a punch with his sprained hand that drops Keith in the first fifteen seconds. Keith lands a solid punch. Keith goes for a combination. Both go for another missed combo. Keith fires a leg kick. Rashad clinches and runs Keith into the fence. Keith has a prime guillotine but Rashad spins it so the angle is awkward and leaves Keith in full mount. Rashad pushes him off and fires a punch before they’re on their feet temporarily. He launches some punches and elbows in side control. Keith gets up but Rashad gets him down against the cage. Rashad is throwing many strikes. Keith has a reasonable shot at an armbar from the bottom but Rashad pulls out easily. Rashad is in half guard against the fence. Tiny elbow shots by Rashad. Keith has a cut. Ten seconds left while Rashad throws the occasional punch. End of round one. How much does Rashad have left in him?
– Forty-five seconds and nothing happens except for a few fakes. Keith lands a punch that sends Rashad’s mouth guard flying. Keith puts him against the fence but Rashad pushes Keith away and he chases Keith around the octagon for ten seconds. They meet back at the centre. Rashad lands a punch. This would be the perfect time for Rashad to get his mouth guard back. They exchange a few flurries. Rashad dances. The pace has slooooowed significantly. They clinch where Rashad has the underhook but Keith twists to Rashad’s side. They break and lollygag to the centre. Keith absolutely rocks Rashad with a punch. He is getting the better of these exchanges by using a good variance in combinations. It’s not that Rashad isn’t landing anything. Both of Rashad’s eyes look swollen. Rashad is stumbling from leg kicks. End of round two. Each have won one round decisively. The third round remains.
– A zoom-in of the ring girl’s butt as she walks. Then commercial. Then two zoom-ins of another ring girl’s butt as she moves. After the heart rate of Spike’s horny audience has accelerated, the fight resumes. Rashad punches Keith in the eye. Keith grimaces. Rashad goes for a takedown that has them crashing into the fence and Rashad gets Keith on his back. Rashad has an odd side control where all of Keith’s legs are resting on the fence. Keith rotates so Rashad is instead in a half guard. Keith lands some elbows on Keith’s bald head. Keith has a NASTY gash above his eye and Rashad is attacking it. Rashad is fighting very smart right now. Keith makes his way up but Rashad picks him up and slams him with great impact. Over four hundred pounds between the two crashes onto the mat. They break. There’s a timeout for Keith’s cut to be checked. Fight resumes. They’re huffing and pussing. Rashad puts Keith onto his back without much resistance. Rashad is in Keith’s half guard. Keith attacks the cut. Keith stands up and wants nothing but to rest against the fence. Rashad is very close to full mount. Forty seconds remain. Rashad manipulates him into a position to reign down elbows. End of fight. My god. Rashad goes to decision for the third time in three weeks at the house. How many heavyweights can have no problem fighting fifteen minutes per week against competitors who are equally skilled in their weight class? I am impressed. Keith’s cut is much worse now.
– Judges score the fight 29-28 in favour of Rashad Evans. Keith is out. For the second season in a row, the fighters in each weight class who did not fight before the semis do not make it to the finals. I wonder if their hesitance to fight overall is a lack of confidence which the fighters who are willing to fight one or two times have a much higher level of confidence? Who knows. Just as long as nobody out there wants to say some momentum bull—- then I’m willing to consider whatever argument. One week left before the finale.
Brad ( H ) 3
Jason ( F ) 0
– We review a fight where Rashad fought someone who wanted to fight. We are reminded that Jason’s cut could put him out of the competition. An alternate for the alternate? Ah, Jason is officially cleared at the start. Weigh-ins already. One fight must go to decision.
Joe by submission in round two?
– JOE STEVENSON 25-6
– JASON VON FLUE 12-4-1
Mazzagatti is our referee.
Joe lands a jab. Joe gets a couple more punches. Jason throws a punch but it misses. Jason throws a couple more that misses. Joe lands a punch and a kick. Jason keeps missing. Jason fires a weak kick that lands but probably does nothing. Joe and Jason continue exchanging punches that somewhat land. Jason has a cut opened up. Joe is landing a couple kicks. Jason is getting too passive. I think he’s scared of Joe. Joe takes Jason down after Joe notices he has a cut on his own face and works his way into full mount. Joe falls back into half guard but gets into full mount and wails on Jason. Jason turns away which gives the jiu jitsu expert a major opening to execute a proper kimora. Jason taps instantly.
– In a matter of two minutes Seth and Brad’s fight is set up and has them entering the ring and weighing in.
– BRAD IMES 4-0
– SETH PRETRUZELLI 9-2
– Seth by decision is my prediction. Big John our referee.
– Brad Imes can certainly move. Few strikes thrown. Brad rushes with a big combination. Both sides are calling for a knee. Seth fires several strikes while Brad tries to clinch and control him. Seth fires more knees as they continue to wall ride the cage. Brad sneaks in a knee. Seth sneaks in a good punch when they break the clinch. Seth throws a kick. Brad rushes but it was futile because Seth lazily throws a punch that connects. Seth throws a kick and another kick. Brad is being too patient. Brad reaches down for a kick with his arm. Ugh. Seth should finish this fight soon. Brad falls to the ground. Franklin yells at Seth to let up Brad several times but Seth refuses to listen and lets Brad get damage on Seth. This was very counterproductive for Seth even though he is in Brad’s guard. Brad is packing in some shots from the guard. You would think Brad was controlling Seth. Seth breaks away and aims for leg kicks as Brad lays on the ground. Seth charges and one of them almost had a heel hook but only two seconds are left. End of round one.
– We see a shot of Seth wiggling his butt to warm up for the second round. And it begins. Seth and Brad clinch that results in Brad being too willing to fall to the ground. Seth jumps up the first chance he gets. But Seth throws occasional leg kicks and volunteers to go into Brad’s guard? What is wrong with him? Brad is doing much more in this damage. Rinse and repeat the process of Seth standing up then launching into Brad’s guard. Brad strikes the back of Seth’s head. Way too many shots on the back of the head. Big John didn’t stand them up after three minutes of this. End of round two.
– A butt shot later and round three commences. A clinch occurs where Brad ends up in Seth’s guard for once. I don’t think either want to fight standing for the remainder of the fight. Seth won’t let go of the cage. After twelve episodes, maybe Right Guard Extreme or Xyience are indeed worthy products. I personally like products that make me smell like soap and I want my muscle mass to be a bare minimum. I told my brother about what my favourite fights were this season and the match eventually ends. Thank goodness. This should be 30-27 for Brad with a remotely possibility of 29-28 unanimous for Brad.
– As I typed my last sentence Dana says it was a split decision. WHAT?! Who in the world thinks Brad lost that fight? Maybe because Brad was on the ground and wasn’t looking to finish the fight.
– Brad wins 29-28 by split decision. I guess both were extremely inactive in the second round. Seth cries because we all know deep down he had no interest in winning.
– We are reminded Brad was the last heavyweight to be on a team too. If Brad and Luke win, it will make the picks at the start of a season completely moot. Heck, they’re moot even now. 37 days of being in The House has ended.
Brad ( H ) 3
Jason ( F ) 4
Card starts with Kenny ‘Ken Flo’ Florian and Kit Cope fighting. Kit Cope is some long-awaited muay thai fighter who spent twelve years in Thailand and is making his UFC debut. Ken Flo handles him quite well on the ground. In fact, Ken Flo stretches Kit’s arm but Kit waited to tap until .2 seconds after the bell rings. Although Kit is hurt to the point where Ken Flo gets him on the ground and taps him out in 35 seconds. This is why people like Kenny, Kerry, and Eli from TUF 2 have thrown away such a great opportunity. Bonnar, Ken Flo, Quarry, Sam Hoger, Leben, and Koscheck have been featured on CABLE since TUF 1 and with the exception of Hoger, they are immensely popular. Sanford gets a headlining fight in WEC after TUF 1 because they were desperate for any alumni who would fight despite knowing how poorly Sanford performed.
Heh. Goldberg just said Korn are musical geniuses. Joe Stevenson said his child was born at 3:20am. Thank god that the kid wasn’t born at 4:20. He’d be six right now and I am sure would be made fun of for it in no time.
Goldberg asks Joe if Luke’s training with Matt the Terra Serra will help defend Luke from Joe’s jiu jitsu and takedown ability. Joe flat out says it won’t.
We take a deep breath and watch their journey through TUF. Luckily for you I did a rough recap of the whole season so you have nothing to worry about.
LUKE ‘SILENT ASSASSIN’ CUMMO : 6-1
JOE ’DADDY’ STEVENSON : 28-6
When they meet to hear the rules, Joe yells “Luke, I am your father!”
Big John is our referee. They touch gloves. How nice.
Luke and Joe clinch. Luke tries to take down Joe but Joe masterfully defends it and does an over-the-shoulder takedown of Luke. Joe gets into side control. He is absolutely controlling the action. A lot of people are cheering for Luke. Joe has an arm triangle. All he needs to do is hop over to the other side. Luke looks like he is ready to tap. Jluke gets out of it by forcing Joe into full guard. Nice. Joe tries to go for the anle lock but fell back. They’re both smiling. Luke launches one of the worst knees I’ve seen. Joe lands a good punch and turns it into a squatting clinch against the fence. Joe has side control again. Luke is using the fence as a good source of defense. Joe drives Luke into the middle of the ring while in side control. Elbows are dropped by Joe. Luke pushes things into half guard. Joe makes another failed attempt at full mount. After thirty seconds Joe has full mount. Luke is doing an excellent job of trying to buck him off. Joe is launching about fifteen elbows but Luke is doing a good job minimizing their effect. That is a 10-8 score. End of round one.
Luke fires an EXCELLENT punch that rocks Joe and a knee that forces Joe to scramble and go for a takedown. I haven’t seen a fight where so much half guard is implemented. The cheers for Luke are deafening. We’ve been in half guard for nearly two minutes. Joe succeeds in attaining his second full mount of the match. Three minutes left on the clock. Holy crap, Luke is completely out of it. Joe has a headlock on Luke and eventually turns it into another full mount. Joe seems like he has a great armbar but Luke gets out and stands up casually. Luke launches a knee and a punch that lands on Joe. Luke is exhausted. He takes down Joe but Joe goes for submission attempts and rotates to be in the top position. Joe is in Luke’s full guard. Ten seconds left. They don’t do much. End of round two. Amazing fight thus far.
Start of round three. Luke is dancing around the ring. Luke fires a good punch. Joe clinches but Luke is fighting the takedown and is on top. Both look really tired. Joe tries to go for any submission but Luke fends off all of them. He gets on top and throws down some hammer fists. Luke seems to fire something that looks a lot like a head butt. Luke gets up and Joe immediately takes him down again. This is anyone’s match. Luke almost has a triangle but Joe gets out of it and seems to have Luke’s back but Luke gets out of it. They both go for simultaneous ankle locks but both lose it. A clearly fatigued Joe tries to pick up Luke and slam him but he is so tired that it’s more like laying a kid to bed. Luke gets out from the bottom and they work their way onto their feet at the very end. End of fight. Both should get a contract. One of the best ground fights I’ve seen in a long time.
29-28, 30-27, 29-28, and the winner turns out to be Joe Stevenson. Wow. Great fight. I was about to type that it was Bonnar and Griffin but on the ground, and Dana says the exact same thing about two seconds before I typed this. Great.
The amp’d mobile replay moment was unnecessary.
Now we see prolonged build-up for Brad Imes and Rashad Evans. Apparently we shouldn’t call Brad a cupcake. Brad has fought in MMA for only one year. He has spent more time in arena football.
BRAD ‘THE HILLBILLY HEARTTHROB’ IMES: 5-0
RASHAD EVANS: 10-0
Rashad don’t need no nicknames. A clean shaven Herb Dean is our referee. The hillbilly heartthrob could be shortened.
We begin. Rashad is using his speed to his advantage. Brad lands a few strikes while they stand. Good ol’ Muay Thai clinch. Brad has a nice body lock on Rashad. He takes Rashad down and has his back for a half second but opts for half guard. Nobody is striking in this position. After doing nothing, they both stand while clinching. Rashad knees Brad’s body. Brad worked with Billy Rush and Jeremy Horn in the high altitude. Good choice considering 250 pound fighters aren’t known for good cardio. Brad fires a good kicking combination. Rashad fires an amazing ten punch combination. He continues throwing punches until Brad falls down against his own will. Rashad gets into side control and tries to fire punches and elbows whenever there is an opening. Brad is trying to make his way to his feet while Rashad sneaks in punches and elbows. How is Brad still conscious?Brad clinches Rashad and fires a huge knee. If only it were a running knee like James Irvin’s not too long before this match. Brad fires a slow head kick. Brad appears to be only a punch or two away from being knocked out. End of round one.
Brad still looks like a wreck. Both try to land punches but no significant damage. Next forceful punch will be the KO at this point. They continue to trade. I take that back. Rashad’s left hook didn’t take Brad down after I heard the impact. Goldberg demonstrates he doesn’t understand the definition of irony. Brad chases Rashad around firing punches and body kicks. Rashad lands a combo that makes Brad slightly stumble. Brad lands a great combination that lands on the chin. Rashad lowers his hands for a second and breathing really hard. Brad hits Rashad on the left side of his face. Both have their mouths open pretty wide. Brad clearly wants to finish after he forces Rashad to dodge fifteen punches. Rashad comes back at Brad a bit that makes Brad stumble into a clinch with Rashad. Brad misses a huge uppercut. They both exchange punches that miss. Rashad lands a huge punch that sends Brad’s mouthpiece flying. Rashad lands another huge punch. Ten seconds left. Brad tries to land an end of round flurry but can’t finish. Wow. End of round two. Oh, Leonardo DiCaprio is in attendance. Goldberg asks if Rashad can bring down the Titanic force in Brad Imes. Joe replies with an “Oh no you didn’t you pun master you.” It turns out that the mouthpiece I referenced earlier was really snot and blood.
Rashad lands a couple punches. How this is going three rounds is beyond me. Rashad knocks Brad down but Brad is still defending. Rashad is in full mount of Brad Imes. He decides he’d prefer side control. They stand up quickly and trade. Both are landing really weak punches and kicks. They’re in slow motion. Brad takes down Rashad for the first time all match! He is in half guard. Brad needs to go for a choke because Rashad is so exhausted that he would tap from such a lack of oxygen. Rashad uses all of his strength to stand back up. They clinch up against the fence. Rashad counters Brad’s head kick with a straight left. Brad is running but is really stumbling around Rashad to attack him. They miss. With twenty seconds left, they clinch. They break the clinch and trade for the last five seconds. End of fight. Wow.
Judges’ scorecards: 29-28 Imes, 29-28 Rashad, and the final judge scores it. . .29-28, the winner is Rashad Evans! Brad looks devastated.
Eli 6 / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X
Kerry 5 / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X
Kenny 7 / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X
Melvin 5 / 8 / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X
Rob MacDon 0 / 1 /14/ X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X / X
Marcus Davis 3 / 2 / 1 /11/ X / X / X / X / X / X / 1 / 1
Tom Murphy 1 / 0 / 1 / 2 / 11 / X / X / X / X / X / X / X
Jorge Gurgel 8 / 4 / 5/13/ 1 / 11 / X / X / X / X / X / X
Dan Christiso X / 1 / 1 / 0 / 1 / 0 / 7 / X / X / X / X / X
Anthony Torr 0 / 1 / 0 / 1 / 0 / 0 / 0/11/ X / X / X / X
Mike White 2 / 0 / 0 / 2 / 0 / 1 / 0 / 2 /12/ X / X / X
Sam Morgan 4 / 1 / 3 / 1 / 4 / 0 / 2 / 3 / 1 / 5 / X / X
Keith Jardin 1 / 1 / 0 / 2 / 1 / 0 / 1 / 0 / 0 / 3 / 5 / X
JasonVFlu X / X / 2 / 1 / 1 /10/ 5 / 5 / 0 / 4 / 0 / 4
Seth Petru 0 / 0 / 0 / 3 / 0 / 1 / 7 / 3 / 1 / 2 / 2 / 3
Luke Com 4 / 2 / 0 / 0 / 0 / 1 / 0 /10/ 2 / 8 / 0 / 2
Rashad Ev 4 / 3 / 3 / 0 /12/ 2 / 1 / 1 / 9/10/13/ 2
Joe Steven 1 / 1 / 3 /11/ 1 / 1 / 1 / 1 / 0 / 4 / 1 / 5
CupcakeImes 1 / 2 / 14/ 0 / 4 / 0 / 1 / 4 / 3 / 2 / 3 / 3
With 19 players there are only so many confessionals a person can get. No one comes even close to Leben thanks to Jorge’s early season steals and the fact that most people at the end have been rarely featured. Jorge was in it for half as long as Rashad but had a third as many confessionals. Dana White being shown more prominently, twice as many decisions, two more fights compared to last season, and three more players compared to last season really cuts down on maximum confessional ratio for each person. They really wanted us to root for Rashad. Maybe they think Brad really sucks?
Worst to Best Fights:
14) Tom Murphy vs. Rashad Evans (Two close friends in the octagon. Unfortunately, it’s a 15-minute version of what Joe Morreira and Oleg Taktarov from UFC 5 would have done. Did Tom have any desire to fight? Rashad was the first player to do a Sudo-like adaptation of the robot in the octagon.)
13) Brad Imes vs. Seth Petruzelli (The fight was boring to the point I only occasionally looked back at the fight to see if anything changed. Nobody was looking to finish after about four minutes into the fight then it was game over. At least Brad should have gone for the 5k after Seth indirectly quit the match, my goodness.)
12) Mike Whitehead vs. Rashad Evans (Mike walks away with ten seconds left and just stands there until the bell sounds. He threw about fifteen strikes total in the whole fight while Rashad was looking to battle with someone who was completely disinterested.)
11) Marcus Davis vs. Joe Stevenson (Did Marcus ever have a chance in this fight? Joe has control from start to finish. It reminds me of when Alex Karalexis fought in TUF 1. It doesn’t exactly make for the best fight when the better fighter is established five seconds into the match.)
10) Brad Imes vs. Rob MacDonald (It was okay. A big victory from absolute nowhere for Brad Imes thanks to Rob tearing his shoulder to where it collapses into his bicep. Ouch.)
9) Luke Commo vs. Anthony Torres (The first round was good but Anthony looked like he quit for the next two rounds. We were forced to wait eight minutes before the inevitable happened.)
8) Josh vs. Melvin (A grappling match and significant positions that people do absolutely nothing with. It was fun to see two fighters-in-training learn in the octagon without being a boring exhibition match. I thought the fight was going to end on seven or eight different occasions.)
7) Joe Stevenson vs. Jason Von Flue (Jason seems to concede defeat early on to the point where Joe can strike better and gets Jason on the ground immediately and taps. It’s not anywhere near bad but it’s not an incredible fight either.)
6) Rashad Evans vs. Keith Jardine (Both were competitive and seeing two heavyweights who wanted to bang is a refreshing change from Rashad’s other fights. It was back and forth and I was impressed it went to decision considering the pace. Rashad was bruised and swelling up. Keith had some nasty gashes. That’s evidence of what should be a good heavyweight match-up. Ninety percent of heavyweight fights leave fighters huffing and puffing by round three but neither of these guys looked too discouraged. I want to see them fight again in the future. I guess having two 220 pound guys makes a fight much more mobile than 250-260 pound guy fighting a 220 pounder. Bob Sapp has more cardio than the 260 pound guys.)
5) Dan Christison vs. Seth Petruzelli (One of the best heavyweight matches I’ve seen. They both landed lethal head kicks and did not waver in the action until the third round. I haven’t seen heavyweights throw that many kicks before. I was impressed. They would fall to the mat after a kick but get back up.)
4) Jorge Gorgel vs. Jason Von Flue (Freakin’ great fight. They gave it everything they had. Both were getting rocked but managed to stay on their feet. A lot of skills were showcased in the fight. A plethora of knees.)
3) Luke Commo vs. Sammy Morgan (After four consecutive decisions the rallying knockout from Luke wakes up the viewers and demonstrates that the underdog can thrive in this competition. It was an excellent pace that made it very tough for me to blog every move that was made unlike the other marathon fights. They both wanted the bonus and the fans to be on their side heading into the finals. A very nice change after going sixty-seven minutes without a fighter being finished in the octagon this season.
2) Rashad Evans vs. Brad Imes (The biggest heavyweight war I have ever seen. How did both survive to the end? Rashad was dead as of round two. Brad lost a huge level of snot and blood that we all thought was a mouth guard. My goodness.)
1) Joe Stevenson vs. Luke Commo (One of the best all-around fights that I have ever seen. Bonnar and Griffin were standing with legendary striking the whole time, while Joe and Luke were on the ground working the whole time.)
What a strange season for the first eight or nine episodes. There was a quitter, a medical elimination, and a refusal to cut weight that results in a messed up intro to the season. Many heavyweight fights were much worse than any fight from last season. However, Luke Commo’s matches, Stevenson’s dominance, and two absolutely incredible final fights erases the sloppiness of the first several rounds, two people who didn’t want to fight against Rashad in the ring, and the late-game match of Brad Imes against Seth Petruzelli. In other words, a terrible beginning mixed in with crappy fights mid-game but a finale that surpasses the first season’s finish easily. A well-earned 6.75 rating.