39 Day Survivor Challenge (Day 25 — Best Storyline)
Alex Jordan, Diogo Almeida, Rosey Sigglekow, Brian Wildman, Ian O’ Brien, Nelson Escobar, – Chris’ comeback (A storyline so interesting that Lamont Lidstrom published an article in an Anthropological journal about it.)
David Healy, Ori Kohav, Phillip Scherer, Rob Beasley, James Wall, Sarah Casa- Mutiny and Aitu 4 (If, for whatever reason, you agree to give up a million bucks just to switch tribes in exchange for a spot on Fans vs. Favs or Heroes vs. Villains, please step off your mat. Thank you Jonathan and Candice. Oh, and anyone not named Ozzy, good luck being cast again.)
Karl Marquez, Clay Halford, Ryan Weiss, – Richard Hatch (An arrogant gay exhibitionist wins the first televised social experiment. Oh, then he shoves matches up his butt, grinds a native Sioux Hawk, and spends virtually all of the past six years in prison.)
Julie Bentz, Alissa Schultink, – Rob and Amber fall in love (Where is Maralyn Mad DogHershey to count the number of condoms at camp?)
Matt Pike, Elliot McMurchy, – Demise of Russell Hantz (He has to catch the ball, he has to pass the ball, he has to run the ball, AND he has to take care of those warts under his armpits! So much work when you have to beat Boston Rob’s neglected child in a game of Survivor Dominoes.)
Brett Watts, Justin M. Lesniewski, – Rob father (Watch Rob try to manipulate a bunch of mactors in his fourth attempt at Survivor for the next thirteen weeks. Apparently you’re not a true fan if you stand up and cry as you applaud his efforts at the finish line.)
Bren Porter, – Dragon Slayer (Oddly enough, this pick was made before South Pacific. Think this would have more votes now?)
Aaron Frazee, – Rudy Boesch (Aaron loves this storyline. Not in a homosexual way, though. That’s fer sure.)
Anne Curtis, – Matt and Mike on RI (………)
Angie MacNeil, – Billy Garcia and Candice
(CANDICE: We love you.
BILLY: I love you, too.
BRANDON HANTZ: Burn her! Candice is a temptress!
ME: I bet her name isn’t woodcock by coincidence, Brandon. Bahahahahahahahaahahahahahaha.)
Francisco Grilo, – Jerri and Colby (Jerri wins this best-of-three series two games to one. Unfortunately we won’t be seeing a game four or five.)
Jason Bleau, – Matt (Everyone thought he was crazy at the start. Then they thought he was crazy in the middle when he sharpened his machete more and more. Then everyone thought he was crazy at the end when he compared himself to playing Survivor in a similar fashion to Colin Powell. I wonder if that’s why Powell had to quit office? That couldn’t have been good publicity.)
Logan Saunders, – Ian’s meltdown
(IAN: If we go to the final two, I will win.
TOM: Yeah cause me and you are on fi-uh, Ian.
*runs off to KATIE*
IAN: Katie, if you don’t agree to join me to vote out Gregg ten minutes before Tribal Council, I will burn your house down and make you pick rocks.
COCHRAN: I’m not Katie! How scatterbrained are you, Ian? But yeah, I’ll do it anyway. I hate picking rocks.
IAN: Caryn, I just don’t know if I can promise you final three even though you threw your own game away to join me and Tom, and most of the jury finds you annoying. I can’t promise. Good job on acting dour and sour to save our necks, by the way.
CARYN: Ian sucks.
IAN: I promise to vote out Tom after I beat him in immunity today.
JEFF: Tom wins immunity!
JENN (chasing after TOM down the beach): Ian agreed to vote you out. That was the deal.
TOM: Ian, did you say that?
IAN: What? Tom? No, I said I would vote you out. But that was game talk.
TOM: And did we not make a gentleman’s agreement that we’d take each other to the Final Three.
IAN: I said I’d TRY to take each other to the Final Three.
TOM: You said you WILL vote me out but that you’d only TRY to take me to Final Two? That is it, Ian. You’re going to have to make fire. I hope you DIAFi-uh.
JENN: That’s a cruel joke in my presence. Show some sensitivity, Logan.
JEFF: Ian wins the duel and ensures this finale will be memorable!
IAN: I’m sorry Katie. Waaaaaah.
IAN: I’m sorry Katie. I’m just so screwed up right now.
TOM: You’re a lie-uh Ian. A big stinking lie-uh.
JEFF: You have now been listening to Tiny Bubbles for twelve consecutive hours. Win this and you win a million bucks. Make a deal, and Ian wins a million bucks.
IAN: Uh, I refuse to make a deal unless it’s to lose $ 925, 000 for no reason.
Ben Nehls, – Alexis’ downfall (There is a new idol in play on Exile Island that can be found in less than three days. That’s why I should send the one person I intend to target if Erik wins immunity to go and retrieve it. Swish.)
Joey Pannullo, – Downfall of The Alliance/Borneo (Mr. Alphabet is sent packing. The Sioux are betrayed by a rafting guide who flopped her vote for no reason. Rudy loses his concentration after the challenge creeps into his bedtime. The Sioux speak of a legend that involves snakes and rats. A gay exhibitionist wins out of the remaining five. Wow.)
Brandon Alexander, – Yau-Man and Dreamz car deal
(YAU-MAN: If I give you this car and head to Exile Island, then you must give me immunity if you win it at Final Four.
DREAMZ: I swear to god I —
*DREAMZ turns to the camera and gives a shakwilo/shelingual/shaquary*
DREAMZ (monologue): My heart is racing. A new truck? Damn, I’ve never owned a vehicle let alone a truck! This vivacious, breast-enthusiast, intelligent, generous man is offering me a vehicle he could very elect to keep, ya know? But what if he wants me to make this deal for the sole purpose of voting me out? I’m not pointing no fingers, but I think greed and selfishness are responsible for his actions. Alas, I cannot make this car deal in good faith!
YAU-MAN: So Dreamz, you will make the trade right?
DREAMZ: I swear to god I will no–
YAU-MAN: Great! Just sign here, here, and here. Science!)
Aaron Conn, – Sandra’s two UTR games (Win the immunities in the first half of the pre-merge phase so my tribe doesn’t have any reason to get rid of me, cuss out Fairplay, then win if I feel like it. Win the immunities in the first half of the pre-merge phase so my tribe doesn’t have any reason to get rid of me, cuss out Russell, then win if I feel like it.)
Bobby Harvey, – Heroes vs. Villains (Ten years of Survivor has amounted to ten years worth of storylines continuing or coming to a conclusion. Oh, and there’s this new guy Russell.)
Andrea Zabala, – Brenda and Sash’s takeover (Marty gives up an idol. Na Onka is temporarily under their control. Sash admits in psychotherapy sessions that he will use the idol if he loses his trust in them. Asian Sensation + Sash O’ Frash = ^_^)
Clayton Spivey, – Holly rallies (Dumping sand in a paraplegic’s $1, 600 dollar shoes and voting in the minority at the beginning eventually morphs into complete social and alliance dominance. Incredible.)
Daniel Knowles, – Black Widow Brigade (We’re such geniuses for outwitting Einsteins and god-like figures who go by the names of Ozzy, Jason, and Erik to get to Final Four.)