- We’re introduced to Miami, Florida/beaches and tall buildings.
Phil is incapable of doing the intro from any place other than a tall building or a huge ship. Seriously, it’s like playing Where’s Waldo? for the first .2 seconds of each season.
Static hair and no Turtleneck? Holy crap. Phil is all business. Luckily not Unfinished Business. *shudder*
PHIL: Who are these All-Stars? They’re the best of the best!
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF
Oh my god. These are our eleven teams? I’m so stoked!
PHIL: They will do almost anything in their second chance to win one million dollars.
Even kill a man?
And what the heck is this? Cheerleaders doing some Miami State University formation? I don’t understand. They are on-screen for two seconds. I don’t understand the significance. Phil doesn’t explain who they are. Are they the eleven teams’ nephews and nieces who got to usher them into the waters by learning how to balance on each other?
The cover of Jaws 2 has nothing on these guys.
PHIL: Our first team. . .
The Coneheads?! They’re not the best of the best! Oh, it’s Kevin & Drew. And Drew is battling shrinkage by the looks of it.
But still, they’re not best of the best! They’re ranked 26th overall (by the way I broke down Team Averages into a letter grade system at the bottom of the post).
KEVIN: We both got married.
DREW: We’re both five more years out of shape.
KEVIN: I was a circle then, I’m an oval now.
Maybe if you didn’t work at a hot dog stand for the past five years you wouldn’t be in rough shape. This is All-Stars. Did you guys consider, I dunno, exercising before a race around the world? You’re gonna be left on the shores of Karabi beach in no time.
Next. . .
ROB: This time a whole new bag of tricks.
AMBER: The other teams will be trying our old tricks. We’ve got some new stuff for you.
What tricks did you pioneer exactly? Because the Fern strategy was used by Oswald & Danny, Andre & Damon, Charla & Mirna, and well, most teams who have ever made a deep run into the race. Quit a roadblock task that almost puts you out of the race? I dunno if I call that a trick rather than borderline suicide that resulted in a lucky break the next day.
I’m curious what their new tricks were supposed to be.
ROB: See what I’ve created?
Somebody who should have stopped being relevant as of day 33 in the Australian Outback.
Rob is trying way too hard for the Michael Corleone look.
Tried out for Survivor: Marquesas, but Probst didn’t find him dynamic enough or marketable.
3rd up. . .
Even millionaires wash their own car by hand. By the way, did Uchenna steal Michael Skupin Jr.’s shirt?
While Uchenna’s shirt is playing with water, Skupin’s shirt is playing with fire.
They talk about how vitro didn’t work out. No child. Their marriage is stressful and are looking to find a way to have a lasting marriage.
Earlier Phil said “All of these teams have relationships that have evolved since their last race”. Oh, so it’s all dynamic intra-personal team relationships?
What the f—, Phil? They’re not the best nor their relationship has evolved. Did they start dating each other? Did one get jealous of the other looking more like a chipmunk? This is ridiculous!
KANDICE: This time the teams we’re competing against are really out for blood.
o rly? Which producer told you to say that? There are barely any rivals here. There’s not even mean-spirited rivalries on his race. I don’t understand.
DUSTIN: It’s like racing against your teacher. It’s a little bit intimidating.
Did Dustin just. . .flatter other teams on the race?
On to team number five. . .
PHIL: Joe & Bill. . .
Even when Phil is talking about a different team, Charla & Mirna are mugging for the camera. For shame.
- .01 seconds into being shown and Joe is already talking about and showing off Guido. I’m surprised production didn’t let Joe & Bill run around on the race course as Guido accompanies them.
BILL: This is our mascot. Hahahaha.
JOE: We’re not alpha males. Hahahaha. We’re two gay guys. Hahahaha. We’re two gay grandpas. Hahahaha.
Wow. If any stand-up comedian did a private performance for the Guidos, I am sure they are re-examining their own jokes to see if they are funny. I bet this is where Jay London started out.
Logan is the only person who consistently references me over the past ten years. Thank you. I don’t care if it’s always the subject of ridicule. Thank you.
- Charla & Mirna are indeed next. Their first quote?
CHARLA: Being a Little Person, I’ve always gotten attention.
Didn’t work for this guy. I have a feeling people only turn in Charla’s direction because Mirna is standing right beside her. If only Colton lasted longer, Leif could’ve stood with him to get additional camera time.
Or maybe the cameramen are perverted. They are willing to angle the camera downwards to view Charla but unwilling to do so for Leif. The disparity in airtime has been explained.
Yeah. I made a cleavage joke.
Success for Mirna! Charla has disappeared in a pile of Leifs and Mirna can ramble and spit in the camera.
What is this? The one thousandth cartwheel that Charla has done on the race? Drew is experiencing major jealousy.
Okay. I just cracked up at the image of Drew attempting a cartwheel.
- Then it’s David & Mary. The 78th greatest team of all-time gets to be on All-Stars. Joy.
This reminds me of something. . .
Follow the Country Road.
DAVID: Mary is more confident.
Holy Jesus. Mary has CONFIDENCE now? Romber is shaking in their boots. Shaking. In. Their. Boots.
And Mary’s daughter can play Darts. This will benefit them. Somehow. I’m surprised Dustin & Kandice aren’t the bullseye.
And can make a wicked hair ribbon. David & Mary’s arsenal is COMPLETE.
MARY: I can win first place without someone giving it to me.
That’s right David. No sex.
- Now we’ve got our slightly older (but 46th best team) Teri & Ian.
They have an additional seven more wrinkles and a smoker’s neck to attest to that.
IAN: Here fishy fishy. . .
Be careful. You might catch a whale shark that has Michael Skupin inside of it.
Teri is on a bike. OH NO! She’s not even wearing padding! Watch out for the corner, TERI! She has learned nothing from last season.
- It’s onwards. Oswald & Danny.
I think Danny just made his first funny of the race.
- Oswald says they went through a difficult one year fight. Inb4 somebody calls Oswald a Drama Queen. We see them walk into shops and buy earrings.
Oswald is thinking about getting an advance on all of the money handed out from production at the start of each leg just so he can buy the necklace in the case. They unintentionally became the next team to participate in Around the World for Free.
DANNY: We’re husband and husband.
- John Vito & Jill are up!
- Jill talks about her brother passing away, John Vito helping her through the grieving process, then recapping their whole relationship, blah blah blah.
Turn around and talk to the red hand because our faces don’t wanna listen.
My sister was crushed to hear they broke up, by the way. Even more than Kris & Jon from TAR 6 (wait, there’s another Kris & Jon?)
JILL: We stopped working as a couple. Even though we’re broken up I’m open to anything happening with John Vito.
Translation: Friends. With. Benefits. We cracked the code, Jill.
And everyone calls him John Vito? Not even John? Jay Vee? But John Vito? That’s bada–.
ME: Who are you?
JOHN VITO: I’m John.
ME: Just John.
JOHN VITO: No! I’m John Mothaf—in Vito!
- Last but not least, Eric & Danielle. Phil has to explain to us that they are from two different teams.
ERIC: Like that she has a lot of attitude.
Well, she did just pull the whole Todd Bertuzzi and hit you in the back of the head with a volleyball. Concussion alert.
And slapped him hard. I think Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz had a less abusive relationship in their first year dating.
DANIELLE: When I first met him, I thought ‘alright, he’s Casanova, he just wants to get in the girl’s pants.’ But he’s a gentleman, and you don’t find that in New York.
Correct me if I’m wrong but these are the following quotes Eric uttered in TAR 9:
ERIC: Those hos passed us.
ERIC: Did you see pretty girls with big boobs?
ERIC: If we get some sex on the race, then it’s good. Naughty things are going to happen.
ERIC: You gotta make the girls feel good. So you can get in their pants later.
ERIC: Yeah, I’d spank her butt too.
ERIC: The pretty girls, with the big boobies?
ERIC: Do you girls have hickies?
Good thing Danielle wasn’t on The Mole because she expresses the worst judgment ever.
PHIL: Which team will prove to be the best of the all-stars by winning the one million dollars?
What happened to brains, brawn, determination, and teamwork? Phil is a wild man these days. He went off script.
Phil gathers his familiar troops for a peptalk.
- PHIL: In just a few minutes you’ll be leaving on your second race around the world. But first take a moment to look at the fierce competitors around you.
PHIL: No one should take anyone else for granted. Except David & Mary.
PHIL: Some of you have done battle before. Some of you are friends. Some of you are enemies. Some of you like Star Trek. Some of you like Star Wars.
- Phil stays on script for the rest of the speech. The cars they will be jumping into are not specified. I guess it doesn’t have a hands-free trunk opening device or automatic parking.
- The world is waiting, good luck, travel safe, go!
- This is only a one hour episode? What a rip? Everyone reads their clue. Quito, Ecuador. Mirna mugs for the camera instantly.
Marshall hates her so much, he cannot even begin to describe it.
- So everyone runs. It’s unclear who is in the lead. All we know is Charla is always last in these sprints. So much for ‘I can do anything’. The other ten teams pile in their cars and. . .
*does double take*
Are they running backwards? No? Forwards???? How is this possible? Charla outruns Drew? And oh my god. . .
Wedged between them is Jeff Probst’s niece! Even his niece is outrunning Drew! And slightly ahead is Gus McCleod.
DREW: I’m doing the best I could!
KEVIN: You’re killing me here.
Best I could = Charla beating you by about twenty seconds? She’s not even in the same shot anymore. This could be a short race for these two.
Oswald & Danny are in the first car. Danny brags that he knows Miami and goes to the airport a lot. Like in TAR 2 when he flew from Miami to the starting line in Vegas, then at the end of TAR 2 when he flew home from San Francisco to Miami.
But first Danny is going to pop his left eye out.
- Advantage: Oswald & Danny, and Teri & Ian. Both from Miami to my knowledge. John Vito & Jill have minor advantage thanks to Everglades starting line in TAR 3. Romber now live in Florida. So the four leading teams should know Miami well.
JILL: FOLLOW DANNY & OZZY! WE CANNOT LOSE THEM!
I suppose these two could have forgotten Miami after four years.
- Romber is 3rd. Joe & Bill are fourth. Dustin & Kandice are fifth and decide to follow Guidos. Uchenna & Joyce are sixth.
UCHENNA: This is the chance of a lifetime twice!
*cue up TAR 11 intro*
- Classic images incorporated. Many past tropes such as wine glasses, park wanderings, beaches, ice skating, city skyline, and ritzy shops are all incorporated. Ain’t nothin’ original about this.
DANNY: I need to catch my breath.
OSWALD: I told you. Less martinis and more cardio.
So all-star teams really didn’t prepare to right the wrongs of the past? Ugh. All-star image is drifting quickly.
- Vito is happy to be back. Heh. Him and Jill congratulate each other. Jill thinks they will have the same caring for each other that they did during season 3. When you measure your love by TV seasons, you can’t help but feel society went down the wrong path.
What is this competitive reality TV genre doing to us all?
- Rob congratulates Amber. Geez. At least hold off until you survive the round. Amber recaps there is Copa Airlines and American Airlines. Bill complains that he isn’t in as good of shape as he thought he was. Wow. The teams from seasons one and two have really lost their grip on the reality of the race.
- Bill thinks going to Miami every seven years will help them out. Followed by laughter.
- Chipmunks identify the Turnpike.
KANDICE: We don’t want to be known as the Beauty Queens who got fourth, we want to be the first all-female team to win.
Of course. When I think of the Chipmunks as of TAR 10, I always say “the Beauty Queens who got fourth”. Casual fans say this too. Rolls right off their tongues.
- Danielle is nauseous to be back. Eric really wishes Roobaker was on his side. Eric says this formation can make or break a relationship. And that this is a new partner. I have a feeling a 1.83 average won’t be happening with Danielle.
ERIC: As long as she realizes I’m in charge then I’ll be fine.
DANIELLE: You’re the boss, Eric.
I think Eric’s expression on his face spells out C-A-S-A-N-O-V-A.
- Eric & Danielle passes by Uchenna & Joyce. Uchenna says Eric is from Miami. Apparently every single team has a connection to Miami. Miami is where stars are born.
UCHENNA: That’s the Frat Boy and the Double D.
Needs a better nickname.
- Teri isn’t so focused.
TERI: What did you think of the boat?
IAN: It was nice. It was Miami Vice like we were chasing drug dealers in the 80s again.
Miami Vice? 80s? Oh. He’s old. And hilarious. Ever since the end of TAR 3 Ian has developed a wicked sense of humour.
IAN: I am a retired police officer and I worked undercover in narcotics.
If he had to do the Mauritius detour Salt Mound task from last season, he would have busted the whole crew thinking it was cocaine.
And a new hat! Or his white hat has gotten really really really dirty.
- Ian thinks that the cocaine busting will help him think on his feet during the race. The idea of Ian shoving Charla against a car and patting her down for cocaine is a real amusing thought.
- Ian commands Teri to give him a call for the teams he is passing. Uchenna & Joyce are passed and fall to eighth. He proceeds to pass Eric & Danielle.
IAN: That’s pink and uh–
Needs a better nickname.
YES! The one thing that hasn’t changed about Ian. It’s official. TAR All Stars has begun.
- David glares as he sees Teri & Ian pass them. David & Mary are ninth. Two spots better than I expected ten minutes into the episode. Uchenna commentates as David passes him. Uchenna & Joyce fall four spots in a matter of a couple minutes on the road. Uchenna is too passive.
- DANIELLE: Hey it’s the Hillbillies behind us.
Is that politically correct? Although Kandice called them the yokels last season.
- Mary knows that Teri & Ian are from Florida so she instructs David to follow them.
- Teri & Ian gets off the 826 exit. David & Mary follow. Eric & Danielle stay on. Charla & Mirna take the 826. Then scream. Sound operator was bright enough to pack earplugs.
CHARLA: I can’t believe I outrun Drew.
MIRNA: You outran Drew?!
DREW: Did you see everyone pass me? I can’t run at all with that backpack.
**We are re-shown the highlight of Charla outrunning Drew.**
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. This is the start of the slowly growing trend of using black-and-white flashbacks to events that happened earlier in the same leg. Luckily there is no sound for this one. It’s just a split second flashback. As if we forgot it happened six minutes ago.
So you’re out of shape and you pack too much? Dump half that crap out. Under no circumstances should Charla be stumbling her way past you. Probst’s niece was awarded with lemonade after the jog.
- Danny sees the airplane sign.
OSWALD: You’re doing awesome.
DANNY: Keep stroking me, I like it.
Go to commercial. Now.
- Romber and Vito and Jill creep up behind Oswald & Danny. Romber passes into first place.
ROB: Amber and I didn’t drag our a–es back out here to finish in second place. Mark my words.
Consider your words marked.
- John Vito & Jill pass Danny & Oswald. The leading two teams get lost though. Oswald & Danny pull in, but fail to find a parking spot. John Vito & Jill are the first team to park and get in a shuttle, and instruct not to pick anyone up.
- Romber get into the second shuttle. Oswald & Danny scream for it to stop. Amber initially yells for it to keep going. Rob is the man of the house and commands it to stop. As Cha Cha Cha climbs aboard, he says it’s to reward them for leading him here.
ROB: It’s the least we could do.
ROB: It’s the first kind gesture I have done on the race. It killed me to do it too.
Whoa buddy. You really crave that faux villain image, eh?
- Introductions between two teams we never thought would interact.
DANNY: I hear you two have your own cable channel.
Yes, Danny. It’s called CBS between 2001 and 2011.
- Mirna passes David & Mary then Teri & Ian. She is exceptionally happy to pass Ian in particular.
TERI: It’s Mirna & Schmirna.
Whoa. These two don’t get along. What’s the back story here?
- TERI: Love how we all come with names? Do we have a name?
IAN: I hope we’re the Big Kahunas.
Ian pushed for that nickname in TAR 3 too. It will be the first and last time we hear that name this season.
- Jill sees the two airlines. The trick is that American leaves later but gets in earlier. In addition, American comes up earlier on the Shuttle route. So Copa leaves earlier, appears earlier, but gets in later. It would have been better if Copa appeared earlier. It would have been tricky stuff, producers. So much for all of the stops are being pulled.
- In the second shuttle, they discuss going to American because it seems too easy, however American appears earlier on their route.
- The three teams check the arrival time of the Copa flight. 750pm arrival time means the leading three teams get the AA flight. Charla & Mirna scream for the Shuttle as well as Ian. Teri is the only one that is mute. Mirna pulls out Spanish on the driver. Was that really necessary? Ian grumbles as he is stuck in a shuttle with them.
- Mary sees the Shuttle going away. So they board the fourth shuttle.
BILL: There’s David & Mary.
JOE: Oh geez.
KANDICE: There’s David & Mary. Wow.
*Guidos and Chipmunks shrug and proceed to run*
For those two seconds, David & Mary impressed other teams. This moment should be sticky’d to the front page of any David & Mary Fan Club message board.
- Mary yells for the driver to not pick up Guidos or Beauty Queens. It works. Fourth shuttle.
- Chipmunks and Guidos are on the fifth shuttle. The original and the newest manufactured villains on a shuttle together. Production is loving this. These two teams decide to go to Copa because it’s earlier. D’oh!
- MARY: Would you choose 330 or 350?
MARY: Thank you!
Well. They were doing so well for those. . .six minutes. Explains why those top three teams are maintaining their early lead.
- Mirna wants to go to American. Ian wants Copa. Mirna jumps off as they head to American. Ian is being tricked by the departure time too.
- Charla & Mirna talk to Oswald. Oswald informs them this flight is 1 hour and 40 minutes. However I bet there will be overnight sticker pulling that will spread teams twenty minutes apart. That has been the tradition for the past seven of eight seasons.
- Uchenna & Joyce, whose finish line was in Miami in TAR 7, have navigated themselves in the wrong direction. Joyce screwed up. That’s what happens when you let all of the teams pass you on the road, Uchenna.
- Kevin & Drew are driving in circles. Naturally this leads to an argument of who needs to shut up. Bickering is the one thing that these guys have maintained.
Physical shape? Gone.
Navigation skills? Gone.
Simple leg one strategy to follow pack to airport? Gone.
- MARY: We’d like to book this flight.
AGENT: Okay. You’re on.
DAVID: Is this faster than American?
AGENT: American gets in at 750pm. Copa arrives at 945pm.
MARY: No way!
If only there was a way for David to ask BEFORE the tickets were purchased instead of 1.2 seconds after!
This is where the true victory lies. It could’ve been worse if they were 2nd or 3rd to Copa. Granted it makes no difference, but the fact they were FIRST is a real accomplishment.
It’s like Football. Yes, the NFL has the top 32 teams in the world and have their own championship. However, the CFL may have the 33rd to 42nd best teams in the world, they have their own championship as well.
David & Mary effectively won the Grey Cup.
- KANDICE: We like David & Mary. We’re really happy to see ‘em.
Oh please. You only say that because they were ahead of you.
KANDICE: What’s the deal?
MARY: Copa Airlines is the fastest.
MARY (confessional): I flat out lied to the Beauty Queens. We don’t wanna help them. We want them out.
DAVID (confessional): We’ll backstab, lie, and cheat.
Pay attention to Mary’s confessional later on. And note how David uttered the same crap at the midway point of last season.
- Chipmunks discuss if Kentucky would use their One Lie on the opening leg.
MARY: I flat out lied to the Beauty Queens. We don’t wanna help them. We want them out.
Geez. It wasn’t even a second before the commercial and re-aired after the break. Mary’s was a full minute. This is a bit much.
- David tells Teri & Ian that the other airline is faster because Ian led him to the airport. David ruined the advantage, but the other airline was faster. Guidos overhear and bid farewell to the Chipmunks.
- Chipmunks, like all other teams thus far besides David & Mary, ask which flight is faster. Sure enough American is faster and they run off. Mary cannot believe that her lie which would have taken two seconds to verify didn’t work.
- Mirna asks Oswald to push anybody out of the line who attempts to cut in front of her. Oswald reassures her that he will. Although knowing how Mirna handled Christie Woods, I doubt she would be afraid to get into a physical altercation with any racer. Especially Drew. I bet his body is too dead to hit back.
Drew vs. Mirna fight, please.
- They hug and kiss each other.
CHARLA: You’re so tall.
WHAT OSWALD SHOULD SAY: You’re so short!
If they were soft drinks, they would be Large, Medium, and Small. I love how Charla barely makes it into the frame.
- Teri & Ian arrive in line. Oswald & Danny announce Charla & Mirna are ahead of them. Chipmunks and Guidos get in line. Oswald says the flight is close to full.
- Meanwhile David & Mary take the time to get an atlas. I love how they take the time to research and be prepared for any event except for the absolute most important thing of the episode.
- David & Mary are starstruck to see Romber. Mary hangs back as David introduces himself.
David must be thinking that they are giving him the D-List celebrity treatment and are shunning him. Until he realizes. . .
Oh right. Rob & Kim was the 12th team this season that suffered a broken car as they tried to pull out of the parking lot. I hear Rob Diaz has a distinct New England accent.
DAVID: We’re real fans. . .just to meet ‘em. . .
MARY: We’ve already won.
Shaking hands with a woman from a town called Beaver is a victory? Oh David & Mary. . .just. . .oh no.
- Eric & Danielle show up to the party. Eric declares him and Danielle suck. Charla & Mirna are fourth on the flight. Teri & Ian are fifth. That means the remaining six teams are on the other flight.
- Phil breaks into narration mode. Yet we have not seen Kevin & Drew or Uchenna & Joyce. We will assume Kevin & Drew were last to the airport.
COPA (later flight): David & Mary; Uchenna & Joyce; Joe & Bill; Dustin & Kandice; Kevin & Drew; Eric & Danielle
AMERICAN (earlier flight): John Vito & Jill; Oswald & Danny; Charla & Mirna; Teri & Ian; Rob & Ambuh.
Because teams are traveling to countries that are similar or identical to ones visited in previous races, I thought I would have an Advantage segment for each round.
MAJOR ADVANTAGE: Romber and Uchenna & Joyce (spent four rounds in South American Spanish speaking countries)
ADVANTAGE: Charla & Mirna (3 rounds in South American speaking countries)
MINOR ADVANTAGE: Teri & Ian; John Vito & Jill (2 rounds in Mexico
BARELY AN ADVANTAGE: Eric & Danielle; Oswald & Danny (2 rounds in South America but was Portuguese speaking Brazil)
CRAP ALL: Kevin & Drew; Joe & Bill; David & Mary; Dustin & Kandice
When they land, they must find the Plaza San Francisco. Venga Boys bear their next clue.
- Oswald speaks fluent Spanish. Mirna’s exaggerated Spanish takes hold.
MIRNA: Mori rapideaux. Step on it.
I don’t think the latter is a universal expression.
- Vito hails a cab. 3rd. Romber are fourth as Rob asks for a shortcut. Ian laughs as he playfully uses his Spanish. Teri is tres grumpy.
OSWALD: My face is going through menopause.
Well at least eggs everywhere else are just chipper.
- Mirna complains there is too little rapideaux. Vito asks to go faster as he passes Charla & Mirna. Such rare interactions. Sure enough the only woman driver is for Charla & Mirna. Stereotype reinforced.
- Romber is first to the Plaza. Shortcut was true. Oswald & Danny point out Romber are first. Vito and Jill have an edited “There’s Rob & Amber–dammit” spliced together.
- Charla points out Rob & Amber. Nothing about Cha Cha Cha or Vito.
Luckily it’s a departure time rather than a menu with outrageous prices listed inside.
- 700am, 715am, and 730am are the departure times. It’s a mystery the exact distribution of teams. It would be hilarious if production did something like 1-1-9 to mess with the teams.
- Vito is stumped as to how Romber got there first. Ambuh proceeds to brag to the camera about it.
- Teri & Ian are fifth to the clue box. Teri whines about being behind. Geez. You’re not even on the second flight.
- Romber and Vill (yes, John Vito & Jill) have a 700am departure. Cha Cha Cha has 700am too. Then Charla & Mirna. They luck out and get 700am as well. Production was generous for the leaders.
- Mirna asks if there are lumps in the bed. Don’t worry Mirna. Standard practice is that monsters hide under the bed worldwide. Even in Ecuador.
Although with 22 players, 22 sound and camera crew, and a monster for each bed, it will be an awfully tight fit at Pim’s Restaurant.
- Romber examines the departure time.
AMBUH: If you ask us who we’d love to race against, there’s really nobody. But if you ask everyone else, I’m sure they’d say ‘I’d love to race against Rob & Amber.’
I could see a bunch of people saying Rob. But you included yourself, Ambuh? Talk about tooting your own horn.
By the way, I’d love to race against Ken & Gerard, Eric & Jeremy, Hippies, Michael & Kathy, and Lyn & Karlyn.
- OSWALD: We know of Rob & Amber because obviously we live on this planet.
MIRNA: Rob & Amber are really fierce competitors. So they’re really a team to beat.
VITO: I’ve had enough of Rob & Amber. I think America have also.
ROB: We did good today. We haven’t lost it. It’s been two years but we’ve still got it.
When this aired, my sister said “why do they all keep talking about Rob & Amber?! Enough! Get over it!”
The Truth: I bet producers asked about them, and they aired 100 percent of all footage where other teams discussed Rob & Amber. Producers made this segment feel out of place and rather excessive if you ask me.
- Teri & Ian have 715am departure time. Teri is pissed. Ian is happy there is one flight behind.
This is bizarro world. Ian is always the optimist while Teri is the pessimist?
IAN: Times have changed. People change.
I think that describes this team’s transformation.
- Second flight gets in. The old and new villains are first into cabs.
BILL: We see maybe that the people in race ten aren’t tired yet. No Gutsy Grannies here.
**Both roar with laughter**
Okay. You got me Joe & Bill. This was always my favourite quote from you two. Dropping a Gutsy Granny reference right on cue.
- Eric & Danielle, then Uchenna & Joyce, then David & Mary, then lastly Kevin & Drew are in cabs. No surprise to that order whatsoever.
- Back at dinner. . .
ROB: The fact that the other teams aren’t here. . .my heart is bleeding. It really is.
AMBUH: We’ll give them big hugs when they get here.
**Everyone roars with laughter**
Uh, what? A fatigued crowd after several hours of traveling is easier to get laughs out of than Joe & Bill on marijuana.
- Everyone opens their clues at the Plaza in the same order. David & Mary pass Eric & Danielle during the cab ride. Danielle wishes she could drive the cab. I think Danielle would find a way to drive in circles around Germany if she took the wheel.
- Kevin & Drew are dead last. Kevin spots the box. Kevin hops out of the van. Why they hailed a van taxi rather than a small cab is beyond me. I guess sound and camera crew are as big as Kevin & Drew.
However Drew is on another planet. Probably preparing to kill Harry Potter.
Dumbledore messed his knee up real good.
Drew prepares to jump out after Kevin did so just fine. . .
Closes the door. . .we’re getting somewhere. . .
Sees Potter in the Plaza. Everything is going according to plan. . .
Hunches over. . .Uh oh. . .the scar burns. . .occlumency is a bizzle. . .
Twists his legs in unnatural directions. . .
And suffers night terrors on the streets of Quito.
If only he mastered the Elder Wand!
At least Kevin took the clue amidst this chaos.
KEVIN: Drew, you gotta get up buddy.
Silence, muggle! Voldemort is suffering from a Charlie Horse.
- This Plaza is deadly. Earlier that morning. . .
Yeah. I went there.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Here’s what I want the readers to do:
Step one. Play the part where Peter Griffin holds his knee and moans in pain.
Step two. Pause and play Drew agonizing in pain on the ground.
Step three. Pause and press play simultaneously.
Step four. Make a Baltimore Remix out of it.
DREW: Get up get up get up get up get up
- Shockingly, it is NOT his knee. Drew rolled over his shoulder on the ground. Sure, he was grabbing his knee in pain but it was really his shoulder. Drew thinks he dislocated it and rolled over it. He does his Peter Griffin moans for a good five seconds. Hysterical. This beats anything he did in TAR 1.
Looks like Harry Potter will enjoy his second half of the school year for once.
- Chipmunks are 715am. So are Guidos. Kevin thinks he cut something but Drew insists it was his shoulder. Kevin says Drew couldn’t move it if it was dislocated. Oh my. More Peter Griffin noise.
- Uchenna & Joyce have 715am by about one second in front of David & Mary. David understands not getting on the first flight was a big mistake. Mary says fifteen minutes can cost ‘em the race.
Every minute counts!
- Back to Drew. . .
He draws first blood on TAR All Stars.
Jim from TAR 5 has the record by bleeding profusely at the starting line.
KEVIN (casually): You’re back to blood again?
What kind of medical condition does Drew have?!
- Drew thinks everything is feeling better. Kevin spots another team. He jumps out and is ahead of Eric & Danielle. Wow. Eric’s cab was SLOW. However Kevin misses the entrance and runs through the gates. It doesn’t matter because both possess 730am departure along with David & Mary.
- This all-star so far has worked out exactly as how we all thought it would Danielle 8th place Pink is at the back with 78th ranked David & Mary and whatever limbs of Drew that remains functional.
I doubt the teams at 700am and 715am needed the 15-30 minute cushion on them.
- Fast forward to 700am. Clues are opened. Using a provided map, teams must go to the parking garage, get into an unnamed vehicle, and drive 62 miles to Cotopaxi National Park. Here they must find Hacienda San Gabriel Las Palmas. I mean Hacienda Yanahurco. I get those two mixed up. It is an ecological reserve in Cotopaxi National Park.
PHIL: Teams are advised to enter through the north entrance.
A.K.A. Ingreso Norte.
- Cha Cha Cha are first into a car followed by Vito. Romber is 3rd. Charla & Mirna are fourth as they ask a man to hop into the car with them.
MIRNA: I’m not good with a stick shift.
IT’S F—ING ALL-STARS. IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A STICK SHIFT, I WILL CALL COLIN GUINN PERSONALLY AND SHOVE YOU DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS WITH TOBEY MACGUIRE. BULLS—, MIRNA.
- Bill tries to open and read the clue. Joe sighs and says Bill needs to do it faster.
That’s right. Prior to the race, they put papers inside of envelopes and tested themselves on opening it. Bill clocked in an average time of 3.1 seconds, while Joe was able to do it under three seconds flat.
- Joe firmly says to go to the parking structure. Joe goes into the driver’s seat but Bill insists he’s navigating. Oh boy. Their whole gameplan is a mess this morning. I thought old people work better at dawn more than any other time during the day.
- Ian exclaims ‘Hoo-Rah!’ as he rips past Guidos into fifth place.
BILL: Everyone underestimates him because he is crotchety and old looking.
Sounds like someone else I know, Bill.
- Chipmunks are seventh. Uchenna & Joyce are eighth. Joyce lowers the map and comments on the beauty of the streets.
- Vito tries to ask a guy who only speaks Spanish other than ‘I don’t speak English’. Vito gives up knowing it’s a waste of time. Rob pays a taxi driver to lead him and Amber to the park. Oswald, the pioneer of the Fern Strategy, pays a driver too.
- 730am. Eric & Danielle are ninth and drive. David & Mary and Kevin & Drew, two equally physically unfit teams who don’t have a chance of Hell at winning this game,get into a battle for a car. Drew has the lead.
Drew comes up with the cunning idea of going to the trunk of the car. He sees David grab the handle of the driver’s door and pushes against him.
DREW: He grabbed it out of there.
KEVIN: Drew, you really are an idiot.
Drew’s Fight Record
DREW vs. CHARLA = Charla wins by twenty seconds
DREW vs. DAVID = David wins by brains
DREW vs. MIAMI = Miami wins by leading him in circles
DREW vs. PLAZA = Plaza wins by inducing Russian Leg Sweep
DREW vs. HARRY = Harry masters Elder Wand
Drew is 0-5 in 24 hours. Time to hang up those gloves and call it a career, Drew.
- Kevin instructs Drew to drive to the gate and block David & Mary from getting out. It works. Somehow Kevin & Drew are tenth and David & Mary are last. David & Mary really burn out quickly.
- Charla & Mirna get to know the guy in their car–Juan. Mirna talks about the locals.
MIRNA: We’re not afraid of them. We enjoy them.
The locals unfortunately cannot say the same about Mirna.
- Vito pulls over at a gas station. A man agrees to lead them. For free? Good.
- Romber find the Norte sign. First. Rob wonders if he’s first. Amber says other teams could have found a faster way. The road is off road.
- Man leading Vito pulls over. He tells Vito to keep going on the road and they’ll be there in one hour. Vito exclaims loudly at one hour.
- Danny makes the ‘Babe’ sound as he sees pigs on the road. Sweet 90s reference.
- Vito reports the news to Jill. They entertain the idea of the park being huge and that they are being led to the wrong entrance. Vito reads the part about the north entrance.
- Mirna pulls over and reads the map with Juan. Juan hops out. He says this is towards the South entrance. I could recap what they say but Mirna’s reaction says it all. . .
Rapi. . . d’oh?
- Charla says they might be able to use the South end because North entrance would be too dang far away.
- Teri sees a sign. She projects they are halfway there.
- BILL: It’s nice to be on our own, and concentrate on driving and what we’re doing.
Until Jonathan Baker’s hand comes out of nowhere to push Bill’s head ordering him to name ten chocolate bars before he will stop.
- Romber opens the clue. It’s a Detour. Wrangle It or Recover It.
In Wrangle It, teams must “help” local cowboys to lasso, tie down, and groom one wild horse.
PHIL: Whose hooves grow so long it cannot walk properly.
Whose hooves whose hoos. Crap. I would hate to be Phil rehearsing that line. Whose hooves. Whose hooves. Whose hooves. That took quite a few takes.
- Team members use clippers to trim its nails to a safe length, and also trim its mane and tail. When the horse is free they will receive their next clue.
In Recover It, one team member must put on a historical military uniform. Then they must search the field for three items missing from the uniform. An epilep (sp?), a sword, and a button. Once teams find all three items, they will receive their next clue from a general.
That is one mighty impressive general. I wonder if Drew could take him?
- Romber says animals are always dangerous, so they choose to Recover It. Rob puts on a uniform. They find the sword. Rob is frustrated looking for a button. Amer instructs to look at the mounds.
- Other teams are on the road. Ian feels close. Danny is impressed by off-roading water run.
- Romber has enough time to quit this task and go to the other Detour option. Rob elects not to waste three hours looking for a button. Wise choice. Animals are right there for the taking. Rob’s uniform is off. I’m curious how much time they wasted since no other team has shown up.
- Amber says trimming a horse’s mane is the weirdest thing she has done in her life. Oswald & Danny show up to the task. Finally some competition. Oswald decides to wrangle it.
OSWALD: I’ve always wanted a career in beauty. So if I can cut nails on a horse, I sure can sure cut somebody’s hair and give them a manicure.
- Both teams have awfully edited comments about each other’s presence.
- Romber is done the detour. They read that they must run up a nearby hill to Mirador Cotopaxi. Uh, that’s a short leg. Drive to airport. Fly to Quito. Go to Plaza. Grab a number. Go to park. Do detour. Run up hill? Only one real task involved. A bit less epic than the numerous tasks they have done in the past couple premieres.
The downside of a one hour season premiere. Shame on you, CBS.
- Romber starts making their way. Guidos are in 4th place on the road. Oswald & Danny let up the horse. They start running as they see another car.
- TERI: You’re the first team to arrive.
IAN: AH HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH. That would be a miracle. God. Are you listening?
I have never heard Ian laugh like that in my life. My guess is he confiscated some cocaine last night at the San Francisco Plaza.
For the 15 minute departure delay, Teri & Ian resume kicking butt.
P.S. Ian’s laugh comes right before Romber checks into the pit stop. It will scar you for life.
GREETER: welcome to (mumble mumble quietly).
Quietest. Greeter. Ever. I can’t hear a word he says. Shyest greeter I have heard in my life. Luckily the ‘hello-goodbye’ task didn’t occur this season because using this guy’s low voice would have been a cheap move.
- PHIL: Rob, you can smile man. You guys are team number one.
- Ambuh commands him to shut up. Phil says they have won a Four Seasons Resort at Whistler, Canada. About five hours from my house. I considered trying to figure out when Romber would be there. No joke. Never heard about them being there after the race though. I’ll never meet a competitive reality TV “star”.
- Big Kahunas are in 3rd as they grab the clue.
TERI: Wrangle It.
IAN: You’re a horse person.
- Eric brags he caught up to the 715am teams. He has a confessional about hating to lose because this is a competition.
- Chipmunks and Uchenna & Joyce stop at the river. Eric passes them.
ERIC: I don’t know what hesitate means so I drove over it.
The same way in which Eric drove through the river in Sur, Oman to claim first place. Who knew it would come in handy here. These older racers know nothin’ about dem off-roading into river tasks.
- Cha Cha Cha is second. Immediate embrace.
- Charla & Mirna come from through the South end. They pull over to ask a guy. They are told it is another hour. Should’ve gone through Norte, Mirna.
- Back to Kevin & Drew. Drew is driving and comments on the weather. You won’t believe what he said so I must screen cap it.
Huh. It is. Wait a minute. Kevin knows there is a contradiction in Drew’s statement.
I think Drew’s geographical awareness is worse than Linda Weaver’s.
This will be the first (and hopefully final) time where someone thinks they are in the wrong country.
- Mary yells at David to ensure the Norte sign means they are going Norte. What is Mary’s role, exactly?
- Vito gets directions from a police officer. They are told it is the opposite direction. Oh poop. So much for 700am departure. Vito knew they were running a great leg. Jill knows one mistake can make it go downhill from there.
- Mirna does not see a hacienda. She thinks they could be driving all night.
- Detour is done. Ian yells at Teri to run as the next two teams show up. Phil informs Teri & Ian they are team number three.
- Guidos and Eric & Danielle all opt to wrangle it.
- Drew has a sore throat as Kevin points out Kentucky is behind them. He tells Drew not to let Kentucky pass them on the road.
- Drew’s car stumbles as Kentucky roars past. Kevin is pissed but Drew insists he had to slow down.
- David outwits Drew physically and mentally. Wow. David giggles as he has a ton of fun doing it.
- An oncoming van honks at Jill’s driving. Women drivers. Vito & Jill pull over. It’s the South Entrance. They never were any good navigating on their own. Hopefully Jill is more aggressive than Mirna.
More aggressive than Mirna on the road? Impossible.
- Uchenna & Joyce and Chipmunks Wrangle It. Mirna doesn’t know where she is going anymore.
- Guidos and Eric & Danielle finish.
- Phil says Eric & Danielle are fourth.
ERIC: That’s not bad.
Coming from the guy who finished below second only once in all thirteen rounds last time he played. The price of being a Casanova.
- Charla sheds tears from the stress.
- Guidos are fifth.
- Charla & Mirna see David & Mary behind them. Oh my. So David & Mary and Kevin & Drew went through the wrong entrance too? The South Entrance is about an hour delay by the looks of it.
MARY: Look at Charla. She’s so beautiful!
I dunno if that’s sarcasm or not.
- Charla shrugs through the window. Mary figures out that those two are lost.
- CHARLA: We can outrun them in a foot race.
MIRNA: Yeah right.
Charla suffers from an overload of confidence after her first running race victory over Drew. She truly believes she could beat any person of any calibre in a foot race. Look out, Usain Bolt.
- Jill assumes they are last because they went through the wrong entrance. John Vito reminds her of TAR 3 and how many times they thought they were in last. It’s true. Teams assume they are last whenever they screw up. And when Drew and David & Mary are in a season together, you should always assume you are ninth anyway.
- Drew’s car shoots up and down. Kevin gets out.
Classic case of pulling a Rob Diaz.
- KEVIN: What do you want to do?
DREW: I’m not changing a flat tire. Let’s go.
Wow. Brave souls. I recall Gerard driving on the rim.
- Uchenna & Joyce and Chipmunks finish task.
- Chipmunks are sixth.
- Uchenna & Joyce are officially seventh.
- Charla & Mirna grab the clue. Charla says she can hold down a horse. Goofy sound effect plays. Charla is really confident in her physical abilities.
- Drew sees the sign and curses about how horrible this drive is. That’s why you should’ve gone through the North entrance.
That may be worse than Ken & Gerard’s flat tire from TAR 3.
You be the judge. Drew should change it because he has a spare tire on his stomach ready to put in place.
- Kentucky wrangles it.
- Jill says not to give up. Drew says it doesn’t pay to fix the tire and it will be just as fast to keep trucking along with it.
- Kentucky is done. So are Charla & Mirna.
- Jill keeps encouraging herself.
- Charla & Mirna outrun David & Mary. David says they are the biggest fans of Charla & Mirna. David is flattered that some of the other racers like him. He tears up.
Awe. Mirna’s first Twitter follower.
CHARLA & MIRNA: We are just as big of fans of you. We’re gonna put our heart and soul into this and beat ‘em to the end.
- Suspense between Kevin & Drew and Vito & Jill. who will it be?
- It’s Kevin & Drew. Somehow. They are wrangling it.
- Jill sees the sign. She is happy. Vito says it’s perfect. Kevin & Drew are not shown doing the task but are at the mat and crowned tenth place. Kevin is relieved.
While Drew shrugs and is annoyed. He looks into the distance contemplating how to strike Hogwarts next. Or figuring out how to get to the next yellow and red route marker by incurring more injuries than Michael Skupin.
- Sad piano music plays. John Vito & Jill’s first season had a very suspenseful non-elimination foot race with Ken & Gerard that ended in a five second difference followed by a one minute difference two rounds later with Teri & Ian. Here they appear to be a good hour behind and therefore receive the slow piano music.
- Vito said he had a good time and it felt “right” to have Jill by his side and felt great to be back. They finish the task and start running up the hill.
- Phil is too heartbroken to eliminate these two so early in the season. Someone else has to do the dirty work.
JOHN VITO: How is that possible?
The downfall of all-stars who make deep runs where someone has to suffer the fate of going out early.
- They cry and talk about the reunification of their relationship.
JILL: More than just friends.
So. . .Friends With Benefits? Because no real relationship happens. . .so. . .
Next time on TAR: All editor’s eyes are on Rob & Amber. And Charla stands up to the Chipmunks.
John Vito.Jill 6.4
Bulls— Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
– F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th John Vito & Jill 11.0
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
– F +–
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
8th Tom & Terry 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
7th Dave & Lori 5.83
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th Fran & Barry 4.89
–C + –
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
4th Monica & Joseph 3.50
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17
3rd Weaver Family 3.15
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
–BEST OF THE BEST–
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF
Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF
Rank the Legs
1) Miami -> Quito (The season premiere of any all-star edition of any competitive reality TV show is always a top ten episode of any franchise. Why? Because of the unlikely interactions. You can’t help but feel giddy as Ian groans at Charla & Mirna, as David and Drew physically fight over a car, teams going from goons to gods, and gods to goons. Who can finish at the top of the all-star pact or falter to the bottom? How do they match up against our expectations? So many great storytellers for the first round make minor events seem like the funniest things in the world.
Then there’s the jokes editors throw in. Gutsy Grannies reference thrown in for good measure. Themes in how teams continue to treat each other. You should watch a different show if you didn’t enjoy the premiere.
The only way I can penalize this episode is that the difficulty of these tasks were lousy. Cotopaxi seemed to be tricky for teams but it did not translate well on TV. Producers could have been more harsh, but with so many teams to catch up on in a one hour episode, I believe a one episode grace period is in order.
And Poor Drew. He probably gives enough hope to people like James & Abba to try their luck at a Craps table.
Rank the Teams
1) John Vito & Jill
Bad directions from locals and perhaps bad luck from an overnight sleep at a restaurant sent them out the door.
It was nice to see them return and disappoint my sister yet again. However in a field of such crazy teams, they are probably ecstatic to avoid the chaos that will no doubt ensue any moment.
Go Team Friends With Benefits!